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Showing content with the highest reputation since 09/15/2019 in all areas

  1. 37 points
    I will do my best not to be too harsh. The problem isn't you, it's your DH. What I am reading is that he has things he's supposed to take care of, but then, he doesn't. So then, knowing that he isn't doing what he is supposed to/what he said he was going to, he makes it seem like you are the one with the crazy problem. I think they call that gaslighting?
  2. 24 points
    Why don't you already know who to contact? Other than his controlling and awful behavior, there's no reason that you, as the other adult in the house, should NOT know how to contact maintenance for issues. I mean, what would happen if he was out of contact for some trip, hospitalization, whatever...and an emergency happened, such as a busted water heater or something. Does he expect you to sit around with a flooding house until he can come home and fulfill his place or something. I am sorry, I probably should not post much in this thread because you haven't ever posted much about your DH that makes me inclined to be "not harsh" regarding his behavior. I don't find it to be acceptable on most levels.
  3. 21 points
    I would, quite frankly, get a new phone and phone number. Change her email address and only add contacts she wants. Make abundantly clear to everyone in her circle that she is NOT to be tagged in any photos they post or have her activities or whereabouts discussed with this young man or posted online. Ensure the location settings are NOT turned on with her phone, including (sadly) find my iPhone and "Find Friends".
  4. 18 points
    I don't think it's reasonable to be annoyed that she got a job for Fridays. You weren't/aren't paying her for Fridays, so there should not have been any expectation she'd keep them open for you.
  5. 17 points
    Employee benefits, tax evasion, ... Petty cash is pretty much under the table payment, like for an ad-hoc babysitter, pet sitter, gardener, tutor. I have worked as a temp and has always been paid direct either by the employer’s payroll or the temp agency’s payroll. It’s your mom’s employer’s problem basically if you need to quit. Her employer would have to look for another temp to do whatever you are now handling.
  6. 16 points
    ok, ya'll are always good at what you do, haha. Reservation made ❤️
  7. 16 points
    Please don't cancel. Breathe. Go for a walk. Distract yourself. Make a to do list. Catch up on laundry. Talk to someone. Not only will you possibly regret it afterwards. You will very deeply disappoint someone else. I can't imagine being excited for a trip like this and have someone bail on me this close to the event. Let her know how you're feeling and maybe you want a little extra downtime during the trip and maybe a little extra relaxed. You obviously thought this was a good idea at some point. If you need a staycation at some point that's great. Plan that intentionally. I have anxiety at times though it is much better controlled now than it used to be. I remind myself anticipation of something is always far worse than it actually is. I always get twitchy getting ready for travel and always wonder if it's worth it. It always is.
  8. 16 points
    Why not just ask your priest? I have always found that the Catholics on online forums are far stricter about the rules than actual priests tend to be in real life, particularly in a situation like yours where there is a medically fragile child involved.
  9. 16 points
    Like the OP, I find the notion of cultural appropriation confusing. I've been to many cultural festivals - Greek, Chinese, Polish, Japanese (the town I grew up in had a huge Obon festival every year and I attended many times, despite not being at all Japanese). People are encouraged to eat the food, learn how to cook the food - I've bought a few cookbooks at festivals such like this - buy the traditional clothing, enjoy the dancing and even partake of dancing lessons... people are not turned away because they are from a different culture. In my experience, people are more than happy to share their culture. I loved this line from the linked article: A strong argument can be made, after all, that stigmatizing the sharing of cultural elements only creates more distance between us. Of course there are ignorant people who will be disrespectful, but (again) in my experience, those people are in the minority.
  10. 15 points
    There are issues with doing this anyway; it was never something I seriously contemplated, because it comes with its own set of problems. It really is a very last resort, imo. I think you've done great over the last few days - you spoke more openly to your mum, and you are going to look for one job. The more you can draw your energy back from wondering 'why is he doing/saying this, is it me ?' and putting it into things that benefit you (and by extension, the kids) the better. Plus you got the assessment done with the psychologist. That's three things. Idk. I think that's pretty good. Keep going!
  11. 15 points
    Am I the only one who thinks we need a pinned thread called the "Quotable Rosie"?
  12. 14 points
    Well that explains it. They are the aliens’ reconnaissance team. That monolith is a homing beacon, should they need a swift extraction. The boy statue with the globe-now-pumpkin and the addition of the flowers are their attempts at camouflage and copying the cultural norms of squash, mums and costumes in the fall. The ladder is where they went wrong. They forgot to put it away and it’s drawing continued attention. Yes, the ladder is what’s going get them busted.
  13. 14 points
    !! I'd totally forgotten that in the past couple of years I've seen this happen! I have a friend who started opening up to me about her husband. He never hit her, though there was one time it was very close and she ducked down expecting a blow. He was certainly verbally abusive, though. He's a big, strong, fit, intimidating man and would yell and her and her daughters and make them all very upset with his loud booming yelling. He was mean and crabby all the time about basically everything. And sometimes he would say cruel things to my friend out of the blue that were very hurtful. As she was telling me this I was thinking, "Oh my goodness! She has to get out of there! She needs to leave asap!" but I sat on what she'd told me for a week and thought and thought about it. Because there were other times she told me of his social anxieties in groups and how his family causes him a lot of anxiety (lots of weirdness in his FOO--too much to go into here.) So, instead of advising her (with no degree, no job and 3 little girls) to leave him, I sat with her and we seriously discussed his mental health. And we talked together about his anxieties and how they aren't treated. And we talked about how very, very unhappy he is overall. And she decided to talk with him about getting help for it. And somehow or other, he listened and started talking anti-anxiety meds. And he's a whole new man. He's joyful instead of miserable and angry. He stays calm and doesn't yell anymore at the drop of a hat. They still have issues, sure, like we all do, but they're normal issues now. They're nothing anywhere near worth leaving in the middle of the night with daughters in tow over. Of course, not every situation will be like that. The person has to be willing to listen and get treated. And some people even with treatment just flat out won't/can't change. I want everyone to know that I'm not saying that every single marriage can be salvaged--some simply can't. At all. But sometimes, they can be.
  14. 14 points
    I would be worried about the tax situation and want to get out because of that...but as far as dealing with Mom, I would only take this one approach, and stick to it: "Mom, the significant life change of dd coming home for high school is making this job impossible; she needs me and I'm just stretched too thin. This is my last week. I'm glad I was able to help you out for awhile. I hope your boss will hire a proper temp or that you'll be able to find a better job." I wouldn't allow sidetracking and if she bossed or whined or cried, I would leave the conversation. You are not superwoman! And this was meant to be temporary, as evidenced by the pay arrangement. Other temps could be hired, or Mom could pursue other options, but nobody but you can be there for dd right now. Anyone should be able to see this. They might not LIKE it, but that's not the same as not comprehending your choice.
  15. 14 points
    Professional help is much more likely to help your son than redecorating. If he really is getting worse and worse and this is his senior year of high school, please get him help yesterday. You do NOT want a depressed young man going off to college. I cannot stress this enough. Please get your ds to a professional. Redecorate if you’d like, but please take him in. Start with your regular doctor, get some names of good therapists and make an appointment tomorrow.
  16. 14 points
    Gratuitous favorite-cat picture.
  17. 13 points
    Please take your kids to trick or treat at this house. We need to know more about these people. 🎃😜
  18. 13 points
    Who else has a tiny, four legged, furry terrorist that runs their lives? This is Baby. She is an indoor kitty, goes outside only with me watching her, has her own room. Notice her little bed is on my bed. She prefers it there although she actually sleeps on my feet. I do my best not to move. She is part of the reason I have my own bedroom. When I go out of town dh has to send me what we call "proof of life" pictures every day. I have 12 cats but Baby gets special treatment. She's better than a dog and much more loyal. Pics of your terrorist required. ETA- the flecks of crap on my bedspread are catnip.
  19. 13 points
    Hello, my lovely friends! I miss everyone! Life has been crazy hectic lately, but everyone is healthy. Imma bed now. But I will check in tomorrow. 😍 sweet dreams everyone
  20. 13 points
    I'll happily start a conversation with someone face to face over something I disagree with. But I avoid those types of conversations on social media. Mainly because that is not why I am on social media and I am not interested in having a disagreement like that with a friend over the computer.
  21. 13 points
    Affect mood? Sure. Cause clinical depression? No. Definitely not.
  22. 13 points
    Have read the whole thread: I like big family weddings, but I am increasingly convinced that people put far too much emphasis on this stuff. Not just spending a lot of money or other silly things, but the idea that this is your one big day, and that if someone, even your mom, can't come because of religious convictions, it is ruined, your relationship is ruined. If you really want someone there, you make it possible for them to attend, you find a way. And if you really, really can't, you say, oh well. It's one day. We plan to be married for a lifetime, there will be plenty of times for mom to show her support. Somehow we have come to this social approach that says that people have to affirm us, like we think we will melt if they don't.
  23. 12 points
    I remember that. You've been trying to fix things for a long time now. This isn't 'dh got annoyed with me once, and now, because I can't think for myself, I'm gonna do what the internet tells me and divorce him tomorrow'. All the ducks in a row stuff is good for you and the kids whether you get divorced or not, anyway.
  24. 12 points
    You haven't seen mental illness result in abusive behavior? Dysregulated brains are not good at nice polite interactions. In something like ADHD, impulse control may be the primary problem. What we have going on here is more complex than that but yes abusive behavior has certainly been an issue over the years and treatment including medication and, currently, TMS has played a primary role in behavior regulation. Surely you can figure that if mental illness can compel a person to end their own life it can just as easily compel a person to yell or hit or attempt to control someone else? Abuse of self--as in self harm, or eating disorders, or suicide, is not so very far a step from abuse of others. It may be that men are more inclined than women to turn outward in acting upon mental dysregulation, I don't know. Our behavior--all of our behavior--is regulated by our brain and if the brain is malfunctioning that turns into behavioral malfunction. Is that the source of all abuse or even most abuse? Almost certainly not. But I think it is a bigger issue than is often recognized. Irritability is more and more recognized as a primary symptom of depression in men.
  25. 12 points
    Would his family help him financially with legal fees? I ask because honestly I think it comes down to who can out lawyer who. If time was available where you could go without the kids, I would suggest going around and getting a few free consults with non-legal aid lawyers, just to get your butt in a chair and seeing if you could read what they're telling you about your chances. Because honestly, if he can outgun you legally speaking, and you do not feel like you are in a place where you can match him head to head on an attorney, and aren't being physically abused at this point, it may be better to bide your time. I know what you are going through is hard, but I am very cautious of telling you to just plunge ahead with legal separation, or contemplating a divorce, if he can summon up a decent lawyer with the help of his family. In all honestly, I have yet to see a divorce case with unequally matched spouses as far as finances where the mothers have come out ahead. It just doesn't work that way. And that's even in cases of physical abuse. Especially with a history of depression. I am not trying to steal your hope, but any mental health history is going to be used to rip you to shreds by an attorney if he throws that info out. Therefore I think you should gather information from attorneys, but i would then sit back and give all of that plenty of time to digest before you decide your next move as long as you feel neither you nor the kids are in physical danger. Because like Rosie and Stella both said, psychological abuse towards you and him isn't' really going to play into anything. You also have a pubescent boy who odds would lie with the chance he would chose to be with his dad (statistically). Your dh also has a work history and the term "able to keep them in a manner to which they are accustomed," isn't at all uncommon to be used to hand full custody to a father who has worked long term while the mother has not. You might get alimony if you have been home a certain number of years (depending on your state), but if you are still unemployed at the time of the trial, he could very well get the kids and you end up with visitation. I would save legal aid until you are ready to pull the trigger and have no money for a retainer. There's no reason you can't avail to some legal consults of non-aid firms. They don't ask your income when you call. Just say you are contemplating separation or divorce and ask if they can give you a free consult. Then tell the kids you have a job interview or something and leave them with a friend for two hours. Since you are looking for a job anyway, it's not unbelievable that you'd go to a lawyer's office and apply as a receptionist or something. But once you are there I'd be blunt with the truth about the financial situation and what he makes, where you are, etc. and what they think is the best move. Maybe you need to do VIP Kid for a year, skim off the grocery money, be insane frugal and get yourself a nice little stash in some bank somewhere. And also maybe work on yourself and on the marriage. Then you are covering both ends. Maybe it gets better and you don't want out. Maybe it gets worse and you need out ASAP. But I don't think you have to do it today, or tomorrow, or next week. Sometimes it is what is it. But it would be fool hardy of anyone to say, get out, then worry about it. That never is going to work well for you in the longrun unless you are fleeing physical abuse from the looks of it (and sometimes even then they still get the kids because $$ seems to be key in divorce.)
  26. 12 points
    It’s not you. It’s him. Returning the crap in your trunk to his employer? That was you setting a boundary. I can think of no possible reason why you shouldn’t be able to contact maintenance about a hole in your yard after he failed to do so. You are a tenant, the same as him. It is definitely him. These things are not you being weird or inappropriate. The gaslighting is him convincing you that these are weird or awkward things about you when your behavior in both instances is totally normal. He has you questioning your competency and abilities. He has you second guessing yourself for no reason.
  27. 12 points
    I think Regards is my favorite on your list 😆
  28. 12 points
    In my first reading, I missed that the other boys are 10 and your son is 7. I think some of this will fix itself for you. 10 year olds will have homework and school friends, and may not be as interested in playing with a 7-year-old. And...I’m not sure how to say this nicely...but a child who is not allowed to watch television or play video games is likely to be ostracized. Once they can’t play Xbox or watch a movie with him, they’re likely to just stop inviting him over, as they can’t do their preferred activities while he’s there. It goes the same for other kids, even homeschooled kids. The homeschooled kids in the 8-13 age group I know talk incessantly about things like Minecraft and DanTDM on youtube. I applaud idealism. I once held many of the same views as you(in fact my BFF just reminded me that when my son was born I said I was going to extremely limit his exposure to pop culture, as our sons battled it out on my Xbox playing Lego City). But as my kids grew, we decided that having friends are more important than never watching a movie or playing video games. I also think you may want to tone down the judgementalism. Simply because a family is allowing their kid to play video games while they work on home projects doesn’t mean they aren’t supervising and are participating in a “mainstream culture that is corrosive to families.”
  29. 12 points
    I think he should move out ASAP. I feel for you. I have an angry (with me) 20 year old son. He moved out recently, and that’s a very good thing. I love him, but I don’t miss him living here. When he’s not angry, ready to follow our house rules, and not miserable to be around, I’d welcome him back if he needed/wanted to be here. But, I hope he never needs to move back, because I think he just needs independence from me and living with me = failure in his mind, which makes him mad, and me miserable. So, I’d suggest moving up the move out timeline.
  30. 11 points
    I agree. It sounds like the other parents want a constantly-present babysitter for their teen and that’s unreasonable. I mean, it’s not like Quill was bragging to them about how she keeps a big basket of condoms and porn DVDs in a basket in the front hallway for the kids! (Quill, you weren’t bragging about that, right? 😉 )
  31. 11 points
    It's hard to assume the best about giving the green light to overt ethnic cleansing.
  32. 11 points
    I think 10,000 Kurds have died rooting out ISIS, I believe 20 or so American soldiers working with them lost their lives. When our leader claims that WE or he got rid of the caliphate 100percent, he is wrong. The Kurds did. When we can turn our backs on humans who died fighting with us and for us, what does that say about our loyalty. The US last night blocked a UN Security Council effort to condemn Turkey’s invasion. Anyone know why that could be?
  33. 11 points
    Of course this is far more complicated than was has happened in the last few days, or the last few years. And of course Turkey is actually the country forcing even more people from their homes in Syria. But it’s precisely because of Turkey’s appalling track record regarding the Kurds that the US shouldn’t have behaved this way. The world has abandoned the Kurds multiple times, and capitulating to Turkey yet again was the wrong thing to do. And it’s not just that it was immoral, it was a stupid foreign policy decision.
  34. 11 points
    This is very impressive! Worthy of chocolate and trophies and accolades of all kinds! 🏆🏆🏆
  35. 11 points
    I’m so sorry this happened to your mom, but I’m in awe of her bravery. And she is very lucky to have you as a daughter and advocate. You are both in my thoughts during this difficult time.
  36. 11 points
    Also, even though people keep telling her to document and that this and that is abusive, I can nearly guarantee any fight for custody would not end well. Nothing he has done will be seen as reason to keep him from the kids. There are literally kids being born with drugs in their system, sexually abused by parents, starved, beaten or totally neglected. I know it is a harsh reality but kids don't get perfect parents. And he will be their father until the end of their lives....nothing will change that. So trying to legally keep him from them will be seen as alienating. I believe Heart's best best is to become fully informed about the likely legal outcome and then work to achieve that peaceably. And also, there is the chance that he will decide to put some effort into saving his marriage once he discovers Heart is serious about divorcing him. Best case would be to have a good marriage with the father of her children.
  37. 11 points
    A state fair is an entirely reasonable place to take kids. Do you ask him before you do things like this because you need his permission to spend money? If I were going to take my kids to the state fair on a week day I would just do it, I don't need dh's permission and if I thought he might try to shoot down the idea I would not mention it in advance. I think in the healthiest marriages spouses can discuss most anything with each other because responses can be expected to be reasonable and mostly supportive. That's the kind of marriage where most decisions can be mutual. In my marriage it works best to not involve my husband in most decisions regarding stuff that I mostly take care of--like the children and the household. I think you need to find a way to carve out some of that independence for yourself, you do not need him shooting down all your ideas, you shouldn't need his permission to take the kids to a fair.
  38. 11 points
    Yup;. Having worked in veterinary medicine and studied vaccination and immunology for my degree I sometimes have questions/concernes about a particular thing and immediately people think I'm going to ask for homeopathy and charcoal instead of vaccines or something.I have to explain that I'm not anti science, it is because of my science background that I have these concerns! But there is a difference in wanting to know the likelihood of side effects between say, separate MMR and Varicella vaccines and the combination one, and thinking thatmeasels is a bioweapon developed as a hoax to make money. And how do people believe this stuff?!?!?! The new one I see is that, "doctors don't even understand this stuff because they don't study vaccines in medical school". Um, WHAT? Are you SERIOUSLY trying to tell me that you think immunology isn't covered in medical school???? But random person with a website with bad font choices - they have all the expertise???
  39. 11 points
    There are other jobs for librarians that aren't in the middle of nowhere with no options for you to work and gain some independence and options. Library skills are also highly transferable to other admin type jobs. What I hear is that dh doesn't WANT to put effort into finding a job elsewhere; he's fine with how things are, his wife's options be damned. I know there's nothing you can do about that. If it's frustrating to read about, it must be so much more frustrating to live it. But he is talking b/s about not being able to find a job anywhere else, and about it being awkward if they contact his employer - these things happen every day.
  40. 11 points
    Well, sure nothing wrong with knowing that. I just worry that you are trying to figure out what you are doing wrong that makes him so difficult. Because nothing you could do should cause him to act in some of the ways he does.
  41. 11 points
    I'm going to pick this apart in a different way. I think you're conflating some different things here. I *think* you're talking about the fairness doctrine, which has mostly been revoked in stages - beginning in the late 80's and ending a decade or so ago. It made broadcast TV networks, who were essentially leasing the public airwaves, dependant on the FCC for their licenses. The FCC believed there was a public good in regulating what was broadcast and thus did so. The doctrine was challenged in court - I don't know that whole history, but I know that's part of why it fell apart in the end. However, this doctrine never applied to newspapers and print media. In other words, newspapers have *always* had this sort of bias. If you look at papers, many have always been called the "Nameofplace Republican" or the "Nameofplace Democrat." And that's not just a name. It was an indication of the leaning of the paper's editorial board. But it didn't mean those papers were necessarily overly slanted in how they covered the news. And the same is true today. Good journalistic outlets DO still have rules for how they do their coverage. NPR, the Economist, your major local daily paper, CBS, NBC, CNN, the WSJ, the AP... these outlets do still have internal rules for how they present information. They issue retractions when they're wrong. They have rules for how they source things and present information. In the late 90's and early 2000's, something WAY more important happened to kill the fairness doctrine. Broadcast television began to die. So media is now very diverse because it's online and to a lesser extent on cable. This basic fact is one of our biggest issues as a nation right now. A few scant decades ago, we were all consuming the same news. Now, we simply are not. You used to be able to assume that your neighbor that you heartily disagreed with on nearly everything had also watched the evening news and skimmed the local paper. From there, you could disagree. Now, not the case at all. It's possible that you read and watched one set of coverage, your neighbor watched an entirely different one. And all those media outlets can choose to do things however they like. Some still have a lot of journalistic integrity. Others have less. But even most of the more biased mainstream outlets have rules for their journalism - if you watch FOX or MSNBC's basic news coverage, it's factual and relatively fair. Now, they do choose what to lead with and give time to, but it's usually more even than you might expect. Not so for outlets that are openly not trying to be "the news." This brings us to another effect of the diversification of media and news. To sell themselves and fill content time and space, they have turned away from news reporting to editorializing more and more. Many people do not understand the difference at all. This is also something that I don't think is addressed in the above. And I think conflating editorial and fact is a bigger problem than some mythical lack of fair news sources. We have fair news sources - many of them - some with more conservative or moderate slants and others with more liberal ones. But nearly all of them are also very much blurring the lines between fact and opinions about facts. Basically, the whole nature of news media has changed. You can't put the genie back in the bottle on this. A fairness doctrine now would have no ability to legally be implemented in the first place. The only reason the FCC could do it was because they controlled the airwaves. But we don't get our news that way anymore anyway.
  42. 11 points
    The dojo owner asked dd16 if she would like a job; details still to be worked out, but I think it would be teaching two evenings a week. This is her dream job, she is over the moon. Maybe she can pay her own tournament fees going forward 😄
  43. 11 points
    Not in my opinion. I don’t think inauthentic relationships are better just by being more plentiful. I would rather have one true friend than fifty fake friends or mere acquaintances who don’t really know the real me. The people I love most are those who really know me and who accept me anyway. I don’t really like the phrasing “...we demand respect...” because I don’t think it’s respect if you have to demand it. Ideally, respect is a natural by-product of having a deep regard for another person. Someone who *demands* respect from me is actually very unlikely to get it from me, unless they wield some power that make it unavoidable. Even then, I don’t really *respect* them, I’m just willing to play the game to avoid negative consequences.
  44. 11 points
    Ok I was wrong, Buttermilk is definitely a boy.
  45. 11 points
    Why? It might seem this way if you are accustomed to family expressing an opinion on all of your decisions, but I promise you no pretending is needed. My brother leases a car when I think it's really stupid for him to do so - I don't need to pretend I approve, I simply don't need to comment on it! I can say "wow, nice!" without adding "but I disagree with leasing it" and no pretending is needed. People don't have to say everything that comes into their head, that's why we have thoughts. And why would my brother care if I disagreed? I'm not paying for the car!
  46. 11 points
    Good morning! Home day today, but I'm hoping to get to the library later. The book I've been waiting for is in. Squee! Today we're house cleaning, doing a half day of lessons, and (hopefully) getting some prep work done for next term. I hope if I do it a little at a time, it will actually get done before the term starts! I think I want to do an Advent thing for the kids this year, too, but I need to keep it simple. Any ideas? I want to prep it well ahead of time, so it will a actually get done. Maize, how's your husband? Whitehawk, how's your ds today? Junie and Jean, how are you today? Slache, do we get snacks when Matt leaves, too? I scowled at my kids and said, "It's Talk Like a Pirate Day! AARGH!" Runner turned away. SuperDude and Squishy ignored me. Reader rolled her preteen eyes and said, "Aargh, me hearties," in the most teenager-y voice I've ever heard. Oy vey.
  47. 11 points
    Good morning! SuperDude is 6 today! He's gotten so big. We went for donuts while it was still dark, and now everyone is playing video games, because that's what he said he wanted to do. Birthdays are magical when you're a kid. Today is our first day of piano lessons. We're limping along with school, but we haven't totally abandoned them, so we're probably fine. We're having pancakes for dinner, because that's what SuperDude wanted. Hugs, dear ones. I hope you have a lovely day.
  48. 11 points
    I know that people are young at 22, but by then I’d been married for 3 years and a homeowner for 1 and had held down a full time job for 5 years. So, on one hand, yes, he’s young. And on the other, he’s a full-fledged adult. There’s a bit of tension at that age about how adult we all are. I was doing all those adult things and handling them (showing up on time, etc.) but I also remember a number of jerk-moves I pulled. I remember one time that I was going to give away my piano. A mother contacted me and we set up a date for her to get it. But then she forgot the date and didn’t show. She called and asked for a new date and I flat out refused. I was so offended that she wasn’t reliable that I said, “No. You can’t have it now because you left me hanging.” She said, “But my kids were looking forward to it! I can’t afford to buy one!” And I stood my ground and was proud of myself because I wasn’t going to suffer a fool who couldn’t show up to her appointments. Oh, what a jerk I was! I can assure you, I would never in a billion years do that now. I would absolutely hate being around my 22 year old self. I can barely believe I’m the same person today. I mean, what a rotten, judgy jerky-jerk I was. Just mean. If my mother had had a board like this and found out I did that, she’d have been on the board despairing of her horrid daughter. Again, I can assure you I’m about as opposite of that now as you can be. I did finally grow up which happened after marriage and house and full-time job. I’ve had very unflattering feelings/thoughts about my sons from time to time. I’ve noticed issues in their character that I feel a burden to try to correct. However, mine are 14 and 17, so it’s still my “job” to try to correct them, or at least provide strong guidance. If they were 22, I don’t know if I’d have a chance to try to help or not. When I was around 22 and horrible to that piano woman, I’m not sure anyone could have convinced me I was wrong. She was clearly wrong (I thought at the time), because people are supposed to be good for their word and she wasn’t. (That was my thought process—very black and white and no mercy.) So, I understand why the OP would say the harsh words. Sometimes the observations the parent has are just true. But at the same time, that has to be balanced out with not forgetting all the very, very good qualities of the person. Sometimes when it’s our job to zero in on the problem areas and clean them up, that’s all we can see and we forget the good qualities. I mean, my mother never knew how I treated that piano woman, but I’m sure she’d have been aghast that she’d raised a person who could be such a jerk and for a bit of time afterwards, I don’t think she’d have felt lovey-dovey around me. I think she’d have looked at me every time we were together thinking, “What a jerk person I raised! Why was she so mean to that poor woman?” OP, I’d be pretty upset. But I do think it’ll blow over. I think in a few months you’ll still be a little hurt, but not to the point of wanting to cry and feeling as raw as you do now. And you have all learned lessons. You might have to back off a bit from him and let him grow a bit more on his own.
  49. 11 points
    Is the same son whose girlfriend broke up with him and he has to see her every day in school? And who has a very heavy homework load and is applying to colleges? If so, I think those things might have lots more to do with feeling depressed than bedroom color, although I’m not totally discounting that it could be a minor contributing factor, depending on how much waking time he spends there. Is he getting enough outdoor time, exercise, and sleep? Eating a healthy diet? Socializing with friends? If not, I’d work on those things first before changing room color. Although if it doesn’t cost much, it might be a fun project for him.
  50. 10 points
    I think it's unclear about who has the dietary restrictions. Are you saying that YOUR family has dietary restrictions? FWIW, when my kids were very little, and all *four* were diagnosed with celiac disease, I angered off a lot of people by declaring or home gluten free. I did it for two reasons: 1. The transition was hard for my kids. They remembered special holiday foods. I am a decent cook and I've been able to create new traditions over time, but it would not have helped for them to sit there and watch everyone else eat their favorite foods, especially at first. 2. Cross contamination is a serious issue, for a family with children who have celiac disease or true allergies. The rest of the eating world is a minefield. Home should be safe. So when I was backed into a corner about hosting holidays, I said that I would be happy to host but if I did, I would need to do all the cooking. It would be a gluten free Thanksgiving, and they were very welcome to come and share the meal. This went over just fine with one set of grandparents and one other family, but the rest threw an absolute fit. They "needed" their favorite foods, and they didn't want their children restricted from walking all over the house, trailing wheat cooky crumbs, or "it won't feel like a holiday." (Which is fine! I don't question that people should have the holiday they want. I just thought they should have it at THEIR house, if they were not interested in accepting my hospitality. Although...I did have cookies, including delicious, crumbly ones, and I did have all categories of beverages, meats, vegetables, condiments and sauces, appetizers, cheeses, fruits, desserts, breads, so I was hoping that if I was almost commanded to host, they might be willing to try new things for one meal, just once...) The conflict continued to be a problem in the extended family for years. They resented that my children couldn't just eat everything. We started gravitating toward events where everyone just brought their own food - camping trips, for example, or an outing where there were restaurant or picnic options. A few times, I managed to bring a large cooler and ice, and my own cooking gear, to someone's house (with their total permission and welcome), and I just sneaked into the kitchen to prepare my children's food. Of course, that's not practical, and there's only one relative that I would have even asked to allow it. But at those times, it was the simplest solution because she was hosting the family in a different state, in a very rural location. Her tiny local grocery store didn't even have safe foods, so I had to bring food all the way from home. She could trust me to work quickly, and clean up promptly. The large family reunions were even worse, because nobody wanted to allow "special diet" foods on the collaborative menu. Even though there were multiple families dealing with dairy or soy allergies, or wheat allergies, or celiac disease, the people organizing wanted the dinner to be "easy" and "traditional," and they wanted to assign or approve what everyone brought. So all the families that were excluded, just brought their own picnic hampers and coolers. I'll tell you when this strategy fell apart: As my kids got older, and began to be invited to friends' homes for everyday dinners and holidays, their friends' parents were SO easygoing about food restrictions! A quick text or phone call, happy to accommodate, thrilled that I do always have easy solutions. Many people have a relative who eats gluten free or dairy free or whatever, so they'd say something like, "Aunt Susie always brings XYZ dishes, I'll tell her to make a little extra!" Or they'd ask what they could pick up from the store that would be ready made and safe, or tell me that I was welcome to send along favorite foods. What a contrast to all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who made life so hard. I noticed that the other families with allergies also stopped attending the reunions, eventually. All this to say, I don't know what to tell you about the family dynamics. You'll decide when you've had enough. But if you are trying to camp out on the boundary of keeping your own home gluten free for your children, that is your RIGHT. You are a hospitable person and you have invited friends and family to share in your hospitality. It's a kindness to share your home, your food, your don't have to allow others to contribute to your dinner menu. And likewise, any invited guests have the RIGHT to politely refuse an invitation, if they don't care for the hospitality offered. The conflict comes when a hostess is not clear and confident about what exactly she is offering, or when a guest tries to dictate to a hostess.
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