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  2. That would be why I get confused - it is the opposite.
  3. Today
  4. Laundry Eagle Project -- keep bugging and following up with DS. Bug the kids to clean, because I don't want to. Maybe swim? The weather doesn't make that likely. Wait on pins and needles as we decide our housing situation for our move this week (we have a firm deadline). Optimal decision financially that makes a huge positive impact on our living situation and a smooth transition. Other situation has us in temporary housing for 90 days, and will be a more difficult financial path -- but still doable.
  5. Being the type of person who withdraws... what this looks like often depends upon who is doing the hurting. Early on in my marriage, I withdrew from a room to try to get my feelings and emotions under control. My husband followed me and kept demanding an answer, asking repeatedly what was wrong. I E.X.P.L.O.D.E.D. Much, much later that day, I explained to him that when I feel myself growing upset, or frustrated and angry, I withdraw so that I can gather my thoughts and self composure until I can come back and talk reasonably. That was the only time in our marriage this happened. With others, friends, acquaintances, etc. -- I tend to simply withdraw from and be a lot more quiet around them, answer simply, and not seek out additional engagement. I probably will never open myself up to them in any significant way, although I may continue to work "professionally" along side them and be pleasant and often accommodating. I have often still gone out of my way to help them when in need, or where I could. But I don't count them as a personal friend, as someone I can share my intimate thoughts with. The silent treatment (used in anger as a demonstration of anger) is totally different and IMO, not productive for anyone.
  6. This is what I discovered when I looked it up. I had a misconception about silent treatment. to me it meant that one person wasn't talking to the other for a short while - instead of having an argument they would just stop speaking for a while - not in a passive aggressive way but rather I am not talking to you at the moment and I am not even going to be in the same room for a few hours until we calm down kind of way. When I looked it up I found out I had a complete misconception and it is much worse and very manipulative. https://pairedlife.com/problems/silent-treatment-abuse
  7. We have never canceled yet. We are always buying travel insurance too. We had hoped that when dh retired from the USAF, that we would be able to take a vacation to celebrate that before he started work. That didn't happen because the circumstances were such that he started working again two or three days after he could. My girls and I were travelling at that time or shortly after but that wasn't a vacation, rather a visit to a renowned clinic to attempt to help my one daughter. Dh, youngest dd, and I did go on a nice vacation slightly more than six months later. Another time, we had a vacation planned to go to college reunion with our youngest and have her visit Chicago too (she never had been except airport transfers and holdovers). it happened that i was hospitalized only about two weeks before we went. Dh was very worried about going but everything turned out fine and I will be always so thankful we went because my youngest got to meet one of our dearest friends in college and she just died last year (blood clot during routine surgery). Her mother, who is also our friend, planned a wake a few months later. it was three days before a trip we were taking (first group tour) to Greece. i wanted to go but dh rightly told me I couldn't because it would be too exhausting for me. He was absolutely right.
  8. @YaelAldrich I'm sorry you are going through this. FWIW, what looks like internet addiction can sometimes simply be a way of avoiding all the things that are difficult. That's what I've seen in a young person close to me. He can function without it for a period of time, but that wish to escape becomes stronger and stronger. When the opportunity presents again, nothing else matters. In our experience, tackling the reasons for needing the escape - which a bright child may be able to hide quite well from family and doctors - allows the internet to become a useful tool for self-regulation, rather than a seeming obsession. Best wishes.
  9. The USA is a heavily urbanized nation. 80% of us live in cities or suburbs close to cities. I get that cars are more necessary in the rural parts of the country, but.... With that said, some NYC students travel an hour to get to school, but the DOE considers it a legitimate hardship if you travel more than 75 minutes, and will issue a transfer to another, closer school in that situation. The average NYC 9th grader lives 31 minutes away from their school, and commute times of 60 minutes or more are rare - even more rare for students who are not attending a highly in-demand school such as Stuyvesant, LaGuardia, or ICE. Only about 10% of high school students in NYC have commutes of an hour or more. If my kids hadn't been so bound and determined to go to school off the Island, they'd attend a high school 20 minutes away. An hour long commute is not a joke, especially not when you have multiple obligations. Somebody who ONLY needs to attend school or work can hack it, but I wouldn't ask somebody to commute an hour to school, while also juggling a full time job, running a household, and raising children. Lots of people will experience burnout if they try that, and then they won't get good grades or make a good income, and their house will be a mess. You know, I really don't understand this about contractors. WHY DO THEY MAKE IT SO HARD FOR US TO GIVE THEM OUR MONEY? The advice is always "shop around, take the middle estimate" and my reality is "call everybody, throw all your cash at the one who shows up". All our kids ought to become plumbers. That must be where the money is, because all these folks who never show up are still solvent.
  10. He's 15. Is it possible he's going through or just about to enter a growth spurt?
  11. It's probably faster and easier to just call the doctor.
  12. Just to focus on the bolded for a second, we can say that something is domestic abuse without saying it is JUST AS BAD (or even worse than) some other form of abuse. Sure, the silent treatment is probably better than marital rape and beatings. But that doesn't mean it's good or okay. Similarly, being punched is better than being choked to death, having the car restricted is better than being locked in a closet, having somebody check your phone is better than not being allowed to go outside without permission... but none of these things are good. The silent treatment, assuming an ongoing relationship*, can be classified as emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is still abuse. It's still bad even if it doesn't bruise. * Cutting ties with a person and totally severing the relationship is not "the silent treatment" because, well, you've just moved that person into the vastly larger category of "people who currently are alive with whom I have no relationship".
  13. I don't generally find that organic and fair trade products are less tasty than the other sort. More expensive, but that's only to be expected. Honestly, this is one area that we need to change with regulation. Personal action isn't enough, because the products that use forced or coerced labor or just generally exploitative practices are perforce going to be cheaper than the ones that don't!
  14. morning twins school work afternoon school work with Ds15 surprise visit form ds23 - he gave me some shark fillets (Flake) from a shark he caught Sunday night.
  15. Back in the saddle again. School camp business laundry yard work
  16. I used a lot of free and cheap stuff when my kids were young, but it was mostly teacher intensive. I am not sure I have many ideas for this specific situation. Most of the free online stuff I know of is mostly supplemental. Sadly, I am just not feeling like this situation is going to work for your friend.
  17. Ouch, that is a hard situation. And SO sad about him being mistreated at school. 😞 For the mild autism spectrum: does he have struggles with social cues and understanding how to interact with others? The son of a friend of mine was able to find a free program (it was a community-based program, not through the school system) where her son would go 1-2 times a week for several hours to help him learn how to interact with others and develop social awareness. Perhaps there is something like that for your friend to take advantage of? And being on a fixed income might open doors to other special helps that would be free for her. For the homeschooling: Would you and/or other homeschoolers be able to rally around and take the boy for several hours a few times a week, to help oversee schoolwork and give him some positive peer interactions? Or a "retired" homeschool mom who could volunteer to come and help a few times a week? Or would an extended family member or family friend be able to come in and help with DS's schooling? Would DS's LDs make him eligible for home tutoring assistance through doing a public school charter (so, the school's materials done at home, with some assistance provided by the school)? I do strongly recommend getting thorough testing so the mom can understand exactly what the needs are, and from there, that would best help her learn what materials (or therapies) would best help her son catch up, or move forward with his schooling. From my own experience with a son with mild LDs, but no autism, it took me SOOOO much time to get his LDSs figured out, and then to research, research, research, to figure out what materials and ways of teaching might best help him catch up. Everything having to do with his weak/behind areas (math, reading, spelling, and writing) took so much extra time to teach, and it all had to be done with me at his elbow, up into high school. There was very little he could successfully do independently, and he would have been completely unable to complete any work on his own if left alone at home for several hours. Of course, your friend's DS and his LDs and temperament are different from my DS's -- just providing the perspective of personal experience with LDs, in case it helps. BEST of luck to your friend in finding the best way to help address her DS's special needs. Warmest regards, Lori D.
  18. The last number wasn't from 2008. The uptick began at that time. Currently 75+ in the workforce is around 10%. There is an expectation the % will grow as life expectancy increases, but it will always be the lowest.
  19. So true. State nursing programs here are ridiculously competitive. You have to have pretty close to a 4.0 in prerequisites to be accepted. For RN programs at community colleges, it’s basically a waiting game until your name moves to the top of the list. For BSN programs, it’s just an objective numeric formula now due to the very high number of qualified applicants. The only way around this is having the $ for one of the very few private schools with nursing programs or doing as several young people I know did and going to an out of state private for an accelerated post-bac BSN. The number of doctors in the US is limited by the number of residency slots, but even then, we don’t remotely have enough medical school slots to fill them. The remainder are taken by US grads of foreign medical schools (a somewhat risky proposition for many) and foreign grads of foreign medical schools. Yet thousands of qualified applicants are turned away every year, and the US ranks quite low in the number of medical school graduates relative to our population. https://data.oecd.org/chart/4JWk Other medical professions, like pharmacy and physical therapy, now require a doctorate for new grads, meaning more years and more debt. And pharmacists who want to work in hospitals often complete one or two years of residency after the doctorate. While certainly things have gotten more complicated over the years, part of the push for higher degree requirements by the respective professional organizations is definitely tied to maintaining relatively high incomes. Not just to keep the number of grads low, but also to justify the pay.
  20. yep, they are both scarlet. Mom just wants dad back and my sister thinks she's the cutest little thing in shoe leather.
  21. I liked your post not to like it but to stand alongside you. ❤️
  22. I'm back. I really need to go to bed but I will try to respond to as many of the comments as I can. I really wished that people with real life experience with extremely rebellious teens would have chimed in. I bless the two people who did PM me - your messages mean a great deal to me. I appreciate the hugs and prayers. I appreciate the concern that all of you have and I have really thought about what you have said. I do not seem him as an immediate danger to my family. I also don't think he has the capability to wreak havoc on his school and teachers although they do know about his threats. My husband is on his way back from AU. He couldn't have gotten back any sooner than he is getting here. His Sabbath started 14 hours ahead of mine so he found out about what happened on our Saturday morning and was on a plane several hours later. I've dealt with serious mental health issues with friends and for those issues I would certainly break the Sabbath. My husband and I have talked several times since Saturday night (my time). He hears my worry about him coming of age. One of our options after this summer (where he will work for our friends in Japan - no internet, lots of hard physical work) to put him in a NOLS Year course in South America. He'll have to finish out high school later. This weekend was him ignoring my demand for his phone and going off on his own with his friends (I saw him out and about). He had a friend (whom we have mentored this year to help him get into college) come over for dinner. Our plan is get an doctor appointment for a general checkup and request for an MRI to check for brain damage this week. I have also contacted Boston's Children's Hospital. They have a new Internet addiction program that I hope will give us some information about what I think is a bad case of internet addiction. We are also in contact with our personal therapists/psychologists as to another person to evaluate our son. Mergath, we have had him evaluated by McLean hospital, the mental hospital affiliated with Harvard, along with several therapists (LCSWs/PhDs). We've not used any religious para-helpers. We're Jewish for goodness sake, we invented the science. 😏 To go along with that we don't shun him, rather he shuns us. He is disrespectful of our religion and practices but we let all but the most egregious actions slide because we cannot and don't want to control him religiously. He sees the hypocrisy of many of our faith but at least is honest that there are Jewish people who are not bad/do not shun him (the family in Japan) and he respects them. This is part of his rebellion even though it pains me. I made a different choice (practicing but conflicted Christian to Orthodox Judaism) but a choice nonetheless, so I can understand religious change. He tells us that he was never religiously minded and never believed in Gd and he tells us he told us he never wanted to be in a religious school. He also tells us he is a Republican and spews some of the more hateful slogans that are coming out now. That is not the child we saw growing up, especially the Republican part. LOL I think he is anxious and addicted to the internet and his phone specifically as almost every issue has stemmed from dumb use and his need of having his phone at all times. None of it is out of the blue. When the phone/internet is taken away he turns into a rather pleasant person. But when the phone is reintroduced (they were given back last week) he reverts to the person we have now. I must go to bed. I've been working/helping others non-stop all weekend to keep myself from falling apart. I must take care of myself as I cannot go to see my parents sick on Wednesday as my mother is undergoing chemo and cannot afford to get sick. Just found out my father's cancer has spread to a lymph node in his pelvis. I have contacted his cancer team to see if I can get an appointment while I am dealing with my mother's first major follow up appointment since starting chemo later this week. Did I mention my youngest had eye surgery last Wednesday and we are still doing aftercare? Oh G-d, how You hate me. 😭
  23. Yes. They’re organic and fairly local to me and good. Their Jasmine green tea is wonderful (and makes the kitchen smell divine)! I’ll probably get their loose Darjeeling to test out making black tea with as soon as my current stash of bags (Choice and Equal Exchange— also I think good companies) runs out.
  24. Who has been able to pick out the best print among those listed on this site? Printing service in Singapore
  25. Try tea leaves from Mountain Rose Herbs. I believe their products are all organic and responsibly sourced, also very tasty. https://www.mountainroseherbs.com/
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