College kids living at home

[Liza Q]

My daughter Katie will be living at home for college and I am wondering about how things are going to play out with her at home.

 

I don't want to be on top of her schoolwork but...she has never taken a class before and I am wondering if I should make myself available to help her plan her time? She has never been the organized type and I am worried about her!

 

I don't want her to feel unwelcome but...I don't want to have to plan our lives around her new schedule. Her sisters should be able to have friends over without having to worry that Katie is reading or writing and needs things quiet as she will probably always be reading/writing and need things quiet!

 

And other things are floating through my mind - curfew, housework, budget, friends....I can't tell if I am worrying over nothing or if I should be planning some rules in advance.

 

Any suggestions from those who have btdt?

[Ravin]

The first thing that comes to my mind is that both you and she need to make the transition to her being an adult member of the household, rather than a child of the household. Exactly what that means in your family is something you're going to have to work out for yourselves.

 

Some things to consider:

1. While it is a courtesy and common sense for her to keep you informed of where she is going to be, esp. at night, and when she will be home, and to come home quietly if she gets home late--whether from being out with friends or from the library--as an adult a curfew may not be appropriate.

 

2. Adults in a household have responsibilities to that household. Presumably she's not contributing to the household financially, but what will be her responsibilities? The same chores she did in high school? Helping a certain amount of the time with younger siblings or doing the grocery shopping for you? Does she do her own laundry, or help you with all of it? Clean or take turns at cooking dinner? Those expectations should be clear on both sides.

 

3. Adults in a household can make reasonable demands on how the household functions. Such as, if one's schedule involves odd hours, or there is a need for quiet for studying, respecting that by not waking the sleeper or interrupting studying is likely called for. On the other hand, if she needs quiet ALL THE TIME for studying, it might not be unreasonable for her to plan to study at the library, student union, or other chosen spot on or near campus during the hours the house might be noisy because of the activities of younger siblings. I went to college as a mom, and planned blocks of study time into my class schedule, such as a 2 or 3 hour break between classes a couple of days a week, so that I could have uninterrupted study time while DD was in daycare. I found a study lounge I liked, and hanging out there became part of my regular routine.

 

4. Part of being an adult is managing one's own time. Hopefully, you've been easing her into this over the last couple of years. I admit the first time I attended college (at age 16), I had NO CLUE how to study or budget my time. Part of that was a result of being a product of PS where I was not in the least challenged and never had to study. As a result, I did poorly and was disqualified from the scholarship/early study program I was in. It wasn't until I joined the Navy that I was explicitly instructed in both study methods and how to manage my time--the latter by being required to study a certain number of hours a week or night while in school. We had to log in, and how long we studied was kept track of. When I returned to college later, I kept my own study log, which helped me keep track of how much time I was putting into each class. I usually found that the rule of thumb of 1 hour of study time per hour in class as a minimum, extending to twice that for things like language classes, was what I needed. I got nearly straight A's in college because I'd learned how self-discipline and time management.

 

If you don't think your DD is ready to "sink or swim", and more importantly if SHE doesn't think she's ready for that, and WANTS your help, helping her plan study time into her schedule might be good. But by now she should be responsible for following her syllabi and getting her own work done, kwim?

[Quiver0f10]

I have 2, soon to be 3, adult college students living at home. I do not plan their schedule or help with their schooling unless they ask me. They are adults and need to learn to manage their time now. ( Ideally this should be taught in high school) Sometimes letting them fall is the best help we can give them, even though it's painful to watch.

 

The same goes for their budget. My kids all work and are paying their own way through school. If they ask for my help, I am there, but otherwise they manage on their own. Again, Ideally this should be taught in high school.

 

They do write their schedules on a large calandar in the school room. I do my best to keep the house quiet when I know they are studying, but with my family that is impossible sometimes. They can use the school library and have done so at times.

 

None of the adult kids have curfews, but we ask that they use common sense and that they give us an idea when they are going to be home. If they are going to be late, they call. They let us know who they are with and where they are going.

 

Our basic house rules do still apply and they are expected to follow them. As far as chores, I don't have them on the chore chart but they help out when needed or able ie: tossing a load in the washer, washing a floor etc.

[Gwen in VA]

I would certainly encourage her to do a fair amount of studying at the school library. Your younger kids shouldn't have to worry about being quiet at all hours of the day just so she can study!

 

I would work at keeping the lines of communication OPEN. You should set basic ground raules in place early, but then be open to change as the need arises. Talking helps prevent friction and hurt feelings.

[MamaT]

My oldest son is living at home and going to college. He manages his own time, sometimes well and sometimes not, but he is an adult. We give our opinion/help when he asks for it, and he sometimes does.

 

He is not expected to help around the house, other than picking up his own stuff, because work and school keep him very busy. If we are cleaning and he is here, he is more than willing to help. He also picks his sisters up from gym/dance once a week. About twice a year he watches his siblings over the weekend so dh and I can go off alone.

 

He does not have a curfew, but calls us or lets us know ahead of time if he is going to be out later than normal so we don't worry. I actually love having him at home and enjoy it all the more because I know my time to have him here is running out.

[Liza Q]

You've all given me a lot to think about!

 

Time management. I will see if she asks me for help here. She has been very responsible with her part-time job, which is great. She does get her school work done on time but sometimes she is very last-minute, which can make things hard for her sisters. But she should be able to do a good deal of work at the school library as she will be buying herself a laptop this summer.

 

Chores. This is a big one - she is one of those (just like me, sadly!) who can walk past a mess and not even notice it. I think that I will wait until she has her schedule and then we will work out some chores that can be done when convenient for her, rather than the way we do things now.

 

Money. We are not expecting her to contribute any money to the household as of now. The school she has decided on gave her a scholarship for about 2/3 of the tuition and we are covering the other third for the first two years. After that, we'll reevaluate! She will be responsible for her school fees, books, transportation costs and food out of the house, as well as any social stuff - movies, museum trips, whatever. We'll continue to pay for her clothes (well, she gets a lump sum twice a year and if she wants to spend more she has to make up the difference) and of course she can eat at home!

 

Curfew - we've never had one, mostly because we always know where she is and make sure that she gets a ride home if it is after dark. Our neighborhood is - ok, but we are concerned about her making wise decisions. I think that she is expecting that her Dad will pick her up like he usually does...we're going to have to make some decisions about this! I want clear expectations all around. I would not want her going out for dinner with new friends, then going for a walk and then the movies, losing track of time because she is having so much fun, getting out of the movies at 11pm and than calling us, wondering how she is going to get home!

 

Now there are other things on my mind - like boys! - but I think I will make that another post.

 

Thanks so much for letting me think out loud here!

[Sharon in MD]

Next year, both of her boys will be living at home and going to the same college. I also have a really close friend whose son is living at school, but very close by home. So...here is what I've seen them both do with their boys regarding helping them schedule themselves. Both boys needed, and recognized that they needed, help in developing their schedules. Both sets of parents offered to help if the guys wanted it. They have been looking over the syllabi and offering to help suggest the schedules. Sometimes they still need Mom or Dad to help them set guidelines and to help them say "no" to the invitations to fun things. Some kids need this more than others. It is a growing process and some grow more slowly than others. I've really tried to get my ds ready to stand all on his own and yet I strongly suspect mine will need our help next year as he struggles with it this year at home. We've already told him we will help him if he wants it and stay out of it if he wants that. But he also knows his scholarship is the only thing that will keep him at his dream school....good incentive KWIM?

 

I think you have already done a great job in thinking ahead on this one. The whole question of what are reasonable quite hours at home is a good one...why not make it like they do in a dorm....quite hours are from 10 pm to 8 am kind of thing....or if your younger children have an earlier bedtime, back it up. But, try to set up something consistent that your older daughter can rely on. If she were living on campus, I guarantee you it wouldn't be quite in mid day.

 

Chore wise, I'd try to be a little lite or easy on it. I'm thinking her job is school, if she's a full time student....again, I 'd agree on something ahead of time and try to stick with it. You both need to know what is expected so that there aren't a bunch of hurt feelings or frustrations...."you never do your part" "you're never satisfied" could easily become a really big negative.

 

I think it is a real blessing that she is going to live at home and you can make this work out really well for her and your whole family. You just have to think ahead, as you are already doing, to plan for how it will work.

[Liz CA]

Yes. very true! Ds is much less organized than I was and still am. He picked up a few pointers that I tried to hammer into his brain during homeschooling. I buy a planner for him - but after all this I let him loose and decide for himself how he is going to handle the workload. This current semester was the first full-time college semester for him and he is doing well - despite my not hanging over his shoulder or because of it. ;)

He is eighteen and if he needs my input he is always welcome to ask. He had me read some of his English papers, that was it. He is now an adult - a young adult but it is now up to him to manage his time.

 

Be clear that you are still available for advice but that she is now free to choose when and how she approaches her tasks.

[TravelingChris]

We have one living at home and it was unexpected. He did two and a half years away from home and then developed serious medical problems and couldn't continue. He has transferred to a college near our new home and is nearly finished with the semester. We don't have the same rules we would have if we had much of a choice. We pay his tuition, his transportation (bus pass), his books, his food, and he has health care through us though he refuses to use it. He isn't on our sleep schedule, sleeps through occasional classes, and doesn't hardly help at all around the house. We are putting up with this because of his issues (major depression that has disappeared for now) and because with the economy, we really want him to finish his degree and then move out. We would not continue to support him if he is not in school or not working. He has been doing one or the other since August so we are okay.

 

What I will do differently if any of the younger children want to live at home- set rules beforehand about medical issues, school responsibilities, and household responsibilities. But I really expect not to have the same issues with my girls anyway even if one of them gets depressed. For their whole lives, they have been much more accepting of medical treatment than he has. My middle is absolutely convinced she needs to continue ADHD medication while my son has decided he was misdiagnosed. This as he routinely forgets or loses everything including bus passes, keys, important papers, books, etc,etc.