Do most young men play violent video games?

[Reya]

A western on TV is by no means the same as a graphics laden video game. Not even close. And they are laying in his hospital bed because his Granddaddy is disabled. There is a time for leniency for all rules in my speck of the world. It is not an everyday, time filler either. So yes it is vastly different.

 

Again...because you WANT it to be.

[Dawn in OH]

Where to start.....

 

I used to game. As an adult. I played an online multi player role play game. Yes, my game of choice had some violence. Mostly towards orcs, trolls, ettins, gargoyles, but sometimes against other human types.

 

I am not a violent person. But the game was something fun to do, inexpensive and I could do it from home therefore not needing a baby sitter to care for my children.

 

I got to interact with other live human beings, something that as a SAHM is a really precious experience. At the time I had 2 kids under 5, a husband that worked A LOT and living in a new town with few "real live" friends. The game was a huge stress relief and a bit of a social life. (I kind of feel silly admitting all of this to other non-gamers).

 

A lot of those games have educational aspects. You have to earn money to buy your gear (armor, weapons, bandages, etc). You need to assess what you need and do you have enough money to obtain it all. Sometimes you have items to sell. You can sell to a vendor and in some games set up your own store. Now you are running a small business (online and imaginary, but a business nonetheless). So you can see, there's quite a bit of math.

 

Then there's the community aspect (socialization!). You play with other people. Some players join a guild/clan. There are rules and requirements in most of these. You have to abide by the rules, get along with the other members, work as a team.

 

Some of the games have role playing. Some of the games let you design a home or other building. Some people in those games write in game books and poetry. Some of the games have other games within them were 2 people will sit down and play chess.

 

Some of the games will require use of strategy and tactics. There is thinking and problem solving involved.

 

I knew a lot of kids that played. They were smart kids. I actually had some kids teach me how to do a few things.

 

While my children are too young for games like that, I think to myself that I would rather have my children, when they are older, huddled over the computer in the basement playing an online video game than out driving around in someone's car drinking beer, chasing girls (or in my daughter's case, being chased), having sex, doing drugs, etc. The kids are tucked away at home nice and safe and out of trouble.

 

My 7 year old son likes to play Never Winter Nights (offline). Although, I don't think he does much "playing" really. He goes off and kills a few low end creatures, collects his gold, struggles with reading the names of the magic armor he's picked up, decides if it's worth keeping or selling, and then goes on a huge shopping spree. We let him play this one particular game because he liked it so much and it forces him to work on his reading skills. His reading and his math have both improved since we let him play.

 

Is he addicted? No. But he will take every possible opportunity to play. Was I addicted? Yes, but because I jut wanted to talk to people that could make complete sentences with meaning.

 

I also view the video games differently for males. The role of the male in our modern society has changed drastically. Men were once the "hunter - gatherers", and now that is not so much needed anymore. But men are genetically designed to do these things. I think running around in game "killing stuff" helps them work some of that hunter-gatherer need out of their system and work out some hostility so that they aren't violent in real life.

 

I hope this made sense,it is so far beyond my bedtime.

[Reya]

Well, I don't think it makes him a *bad* person, but I am struggling with feeling disappointed that our lovely, gentle, sweet boys will grow up to enjoy games that involve blowing other people's heads off.

 

Um. You didn't ever listen to your lovely, gentle sweet kids in the sandbox, did you?????? I can GUARANTEE that if they are male, they played games involving blowing other people's heads off. Even if they were Lego heads or Barbie heads.

 

They also had discussions involving disgusting bodily functions that they found uproariously funny EVEN IF no one they ever spoke to found such things funny.

 

You're being disappointed that they have a Y gene, here......

[katemary63]

Um. You didn't ever listen to your lovely, gentle sweet kids in the sandbox, did you?????? I can GUARANTEE that if they are male, they played games involving blowing other people's heads off. Even if they were Lego heads or Barbie heads.

 

They also had discussions involving disgusting bodily functions that they found uproariously funny EVEN IF no one they ever spoke to found such things funny.

 

You're being disappointed that they have a Y gene, here......

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

My son was asked to make an "All About Me" poster in 1st grade. This was before he ever owned or played video games, and certainly NOTHING violent was ever modeled in our home. Among other things, the poster had a space for him to draw a picture of something he didn't like. He drew his sister's Barbie dolls hanging from a noose! He drew Barny the Dinosaur being run over by a train. I was mortified and scared to tell the truth. I asked him why he drew those things. He says, "Because I don't like them" with a huge smile on his face. I finally came to realize it was that Y gene! In the end, he turned out to be a very normal, if imaginative and a bit fiesty, little boy and now, a great young man.

[LilyK]

I think the answer to the original question is yes. For our family, we try to encourage moderation. We expect moderation in time spent playing, as well as moderation in level of violence. I have seen some games that, frankly, I find demented. My sons just know better than to even ask for them. But I am not opposed to Halo, Call of Duty, the Star Wars Games, and many others. These games provide hours of conversation among their peers. I can't remember where I heard or read this, but someone once referred to these games as "social currency" amongst boys today.

As for the addiction part of it, I'm the first to admit that I am addicted to Guitar Hero, so who am I to talk.

[KJB]

But then, he's a military dinosaur. (0;

[ElizabethB]

Um. You didn't ever listen to your lovely, gentle sweet kids in the sandbox, did you?????? I can GUARANTEE that if they are male, they played games involving blowing other people's heads off. Even if they were Lego heads or Barbie heads.

 

They also had discussions involving disgusting bodily functions that they found uproariously funny EVEN IF no one they ever spoke to found such things funny.

 

You're being disappointed that they have a Y gene, here......

 

When my son was 2 and my daughter was 5, we moved here and visited boy cousins on the way, they were 4 and 6. They were sword fighting. My son saw them and immediately grabbed a fishing pole and joined in.

 

My daughter walked in the room, and I'll never forget the look on her face. She has some intense, funny looks. She looked at them like they were crazy, like, "Why is that fun? Why are you doing that, why would you want to do that?"

 

For most of the visit, she played with the boys and my son just followed along or threw balls for their dogs, but this was one activity where she was the one left out (by choice.)

[Reya]

:iagree::iagree:

 

My son was asked to make an "All About Me" poster in 1st grade. This was before he ever owned or played video games, and certainly NOTHING violent was ever modeled in our home. Among other things, the poster had a space for him to draw a picture of something he didn't like. He drew his sister's Barbie dolls hanging from a noose! He drew Barny the Dinosaur being run over by a train. I was mortified and scared to tell the truth. I asked him why he drew those things. He says, "Because I don't like them" with a huge smile on his face. I finally came to realize it was that Y gene! In the end, he turned out to be a very normal, if imaginative and a bit fiesty, little boy and now, a great young man.

 

 

OH NO!!!! I nearly peed myself laughing. DS never did that...but...when he was 4, he colored an angel ornament at church black because "it was the bad guy."

 

Ooooooh, he had such a crisis of conscience when he realized that bad guys weren't just the ones with the cooler costumes. He resolved it by deciding that real bad guys--murders, etc.--were really bad, terrible people, and you should never pretend to be them, but pretend bad guys weren't really bad because it's all pretend, and so that was okay.

 

Works for me, and at least he's popular because he's the kid always willing to be the Storm Trooper.

[Danestress]

or who you are talking to. I never called my son an addict. He's far far from an addict. He has a very busy and active life with school, work, friends and activities. Heavens, where did THAT come from?

 

The reason I said that you blow people in half to score points is because when I walked in the room, that's exactly what I saw - a person literally blown in half. I don't know if he actually got points for that, but I you don't literally score actual points, you do advance in the game with those actions - more or less the same thing in my mind.

 

If anything, you created the situation when you taught him that it was morally reprehensible and he discovered that you were wrong and so is, well, stuffing himself temporarily like a kid at a party who's never had chocolate before.

 

 

Speaking, of judgmental, lol. I newer taught my son that video games are morally wrong, nor do I think that they are. Not owning something is not the same as thinking it's morally wrong. I'm not sure if I think that the particular video game he was playing was morally wrong or not, in my mind. I do think that playing super graphic games where you rape women for "fun" is crossing a line into moral corruption, though I am sure reasonable people would disagree and I would hear them out. Same with games involving stealing. So games involving killing might include the same moral issues for me, but he's an adult and he can decide these things for himself.

 

Anyway, thanks for your views. I do have to laugh when someone with a six year old instructs me on how to talk to my 21 year old. I have so many friends whose relationships with their adults sons are strained and it's a lovely thing to have a 21 year old that you can really talk to and engage with. I'm not interested in telling him what games he can play - he's an adult. If I want to ask him why he enjoys these games, I think I can handle it, and I know he can handle that I am dismayed that he does. We are not the same person and will not always see things the same way, and are good at agreeing to disagree and also at knowing that we might learn something from each other.

[Kelli in TN]

 

I do have to laugh when someone with a six year old instructs me on how to talk to my 21 year old.

:iagree:

[Haiku]

I asked my dh about this and he said that, although he likes video games, he has never seen the appeal of violent ones.

 

And he goes one step further. Although he is generally not one to ban things (*I* am the one who banned video games in the house, before we ever had kids, in anticipation of having kids), he said that were one of our children to come home from college (or high school or anywhere else) and use our TV to play violent video games, he would tell them no, not in our home.

 

I don't think it's the nature of "all" boys to do this, and personally, I think that the "boys will be boys" attitude is not the best approach to dealing with it.

 

Tara

[katemary63]

I do think that playing super graphic games where you rape women for "fun" is crossing a line into moral corruption, though I am sure reasonable people would disagree and I would hear them out. Same with games involving stealing.

 

Oh no, rest assured, no REASONABLE person would think a "game where you rape a woman for fun" in NOT morally corrupt. It certainly is that and more - beyond sick. Even my former US Marine, Barbie killing, Barney squashing macho man son would not play that sick game. No one should. Point Blank, end of discussion.

[Kelli in TN]

I'm pretty sure my 23 year old does. I know that he and his friends have these huge gaming parties where everyone brings their computers to one person's house and sets them up and they play games all night long.

 

I don't get it. But my son is a good man, a good attentive husband. He is even tempered and not at all violent.

 

I will admit I just don't get the attraction at all. Neither does my husband, though my husband likes fairly violent movies.

 

Men. It's like they are from a different planet!!!!:tongue_smilie:

[Kelli in TN]

I'm not sure if I think that the particular video game he was playing was morally wrong or not, in my mind. I do think that playing super graphic games where you rape women for "fun" is crossing a line into moral corruption,

.

 

I would be really bothered if I thought that someone I care about was attracted to games of that genre.

 

I think my son plays war type games, which I would not have in my home with my kids, but I can sort of kind of see that men like to think of war (war games, war movies....).

 

But rape? I would be seriously concerned about what is making someone enjoy that as a fantasy.

[katemary63]

I asked my dh about this and he said that, although he likes video games, he has never seen the appeal of violent ones.

 

I don't think it's the nature of "all" boys to do this, and personally, I think that the "boys will be boys" attitude is not the best approach to dealing with it.

 

Tara

 

For one, we are talking about young men in their early 20's. My 46 year old husband doesn't see the appeal either, although he would not go so far as banning most of them.

 

I used the "boys will be boys" comment, not to excuse things that are objectionable, but just to state that they ARE BOYS. And like the other poster said, they ARE hard wired to protect, hunt....etc. I think games where they take on the role of soldier, FBI agent, or other "good guys" and "fight the bad guys" are as boyish as you can get and shouldn't be thought of as violent for violent's sake. Other games where unjust violence and crime are glorified DO go beyond the pale IMO and would not be allowed in my home. I WOULD be "disappointed" in my son if he chose to play those. But let's face it, BOYS have been playing WAR forever. Not many people would be disappointed that thier sons decided to play with little toy soldiers. Just because now, technology provides for an air of reality, doesn't mean it's no longer acceptable to "play" war.

[Kelli in TN]

We probably do allow the "junior" version of war games as we have Brawl and other games like that.

 

They play a little Brawl and then they play a little Harvest Moon. So I guess they self moderate between the "violent" (though it's hard to think of Brawl as violent I guess in a way it is) and the gentle.

[Haiku]

For one, we are talking about young men in their early 20's.

 

 

Ah, yes, but not so long ago, my dh was a 21 year old who played video games.

 

Also, my "boys will be boys" comment was not directed at anyone in specific. I have not read the entire thread so I was not responding to any one person's comments, just the overall tone of "boys will be boys" that seems to mean "boys will be violent."

 

Tara

[Carrie12345]

I didn't read all of the replies, but I'd like to mention that my 31yo dh plays some violent video games, and has for about as long as they've existed.

 

He also graduated from college with honors while working 3 jobs and playing hockey. He's highly successful and respected in his career. He's a wonderful, involved father. He's a caring and attentive spouse. He's very close to extended family, and he's a cherished friend.

 

No psychotic serial killer here!

[Terabith]

Yes, I think most young men play video games. I think most young men play violent video games. However, there are limits. Yes, I know a lot of them who play even morally horrific video games, but not all do. And it is CERTAINLY within your rights to say that they can't play it at your home. I see a huge difference between Halo and Manhunt. I would definitely talk to him about what in particular bothers you about a specific video game. I'd definitely try to him if one specific video game bothers you. But even some of the ones where you get points for killing or blowing someone in half are not necessarily morally evil. A lot of them are killing bad guys or people who are trying to hurt you. I've never personally seen one where you raped for fun. That doesn't mean anything, but my dh, who is an avid gamer, also doesn't know of any. In Grand Theft Auto you can pick up or shoot hookers. I really dislike Grand Theft Auto, and probably would ask that it wasn't played in my house, and would have a discussion, nor would I let my younger kid/ teen play it (under 15 or 16), but I know a lot of great men who play it.

Edited March 9, 2009 by Terabith
asked dh

[MBM]

... he had friends over late the other night, and they were playing a really really violent video game. It was a World War II thing, but shockingly violent (I guess war itself is shockingly violent). ... Are there 21 year old men who would say, "I don't like violent games?" or is it just the nature of the beast to enjoy that kind of stuff?

 

Yes, there are 21-year-old men who don't play violent video games.

 

In the future you might want to mention to him that you found the video game disturbing and you'd prefer he not play it in your house.

 

You might also discuss with him that in life we are given only so much money and time and that he should think carefully about how he spends both. Then I'd leave it at that. He's an adult and has to make his own decisions and live with the consequences. Chances are, he'll be fine.

[dragons in the flower bed]

Are there 21 year old men who would say, "I don't like violent games?" or is it just the nature of the beast to enjoy that kind of stuff?

 

My favorite men -- my brother, my father, my partner -- don't like violent games. They'll all three say they prefer something cute (what was that game with the alien plant people who follow you around? they loved that), a puzzle, a mythology and history to the game's plot (think LOTR only for a video game) and aren't afraid to admit the gory stuff disturbs them. All of them have spent time as nonviolence advocates, though, so maybe they're not a good sample.

[Murphy101]

I don't think that all violence is equal.

 

Take Call of Duty - the guy playing that game is playing the hero who saves the day. It's not a game where the player is just out raping and pillaging.

 

Now if a guy in my house were playing Grand Theft Auto, they'd see a whole other mess of violence from ME.;)

 

As for addiction and so forth...

 

anything can be addictive.

 

I'm not a fan of screen time, tv, game, or computer for any of my kids.

 

But I don't think the occassional game of heros kicking bad guy bum is a terrible or disappointing thing, esp for a grown man who is fulfilling his other commitments.

 

As for the question of kids asking for permission for screen time vs asking to go play soccer or climb a tree - um yes actually they do have to ask permission in my house and I have been known to say no.

 

If they didn't do their chores, home work, or whatever - it's not time to go play ball or climb trees. Duty to family, God, and academics comes before play of any kind. (altho we try to enjoy our duties as much as possible:))

 

Aside from that, I don't expect grown men to ask their mom's permission to do much of anything. I expect grown men to have learned some level of responsiblity and moderation. So I might tell a 21 yr old son visiting my home to remember he has younger siblings that it is not appropriate for (so maybe play it late at night or in a room without younger ones around), but I certainly wouldn't tell him he can't do it unless I truely felt offended by what he was doing. Such as that horrid GTA game previously mentioned.

 

But my perspective of a 21 yr old son might be skewed. My dh at 21 was the sole support for a wife, 2.5 children, and a mil dying of cancer. So I really can't picture someone (even his mother) actually having the right to tell him he couldn't take break from stress and hard work to play the hero in a video game.

[Stacy in NJ]

I get a bit concerned when I hear someone say that their older-but-not-yet-legally-adult teen (16/17) "isn't allowed" to do a certain thing. I'm not talking about not being allowed to do something *illegal*, just something that the parents may not approve of.

 

ER's college campus has lots of guys who weren't "allowed" to do certain things; their parents didn't allow them to make some of their *own* decisions regarding which tv shows or movies to watch and which video games to play, etc. And when these young men arrived on the college campus they started doing things like staying out all night or going out drinking or skipping classes, etc. Why? Because they *could*. They got that first taste of freedom and didn't know what to do with it because mom & dad always made those decisions *for* them. These young men have no experience in deciding "small" things for themselves while still in the protected environment of the parents' home, so when they suddenly found themselves in a position of being their own bosses (18+ yo & legally adults) and mom & dad weren't there to supervise, they went a little (or a lot) wild.

 

I can offer a similar observation about my own college days. I had very permissive parents and was allowed almost complete freedom in my teen years. Surprisingly, or not, I was pretty moderate in my own behavior during both my highschool years and my college years.

 

I attended college with several girls who had attended a very conservative and religious school in my home town. They went absolutely mad at college; drinking, sex, all nighters. It's a bit like learning to drink wine in France. A little bit of wine mixed with water at a young age teaches moderation. To be told that wine is completely off-limits, then turn 18 and be handed a bottle ~ it can too much for some kids.

[Tree House Academy]

Most do that are not otherwise permitted from doing so. We do not allow any violent video games in our home because the one time we made the mistake of doing so (it was a Star Wars Playstation 2 game), my kids started telling each other, "I am going to kill you." That was more than enough for me to sell the game and ban violent games in our home.

[AuntPol]

My husband loves to play video games and plays almost daily. He doesn't do GTA and he rarely does any of the combat games that I would consider violent. He did play more often and more violent games in his 20's when I first met him. Part of the change of games is because we both are former Marines and have had our fill of real war and part of it my son wants to play whatever he's playing. He and my 8 yo son play strategy games like Age of Empires, Crusader, and Lord of the Rings games. Some consider these violent and some don't. They play together and usually are playing with my children's godfathers and other family friends.

 

My husband is co-owner in a computer company and works more than 40 hours a week. Despite playing video games daily, he still has time for:

 

Coaching the homeschool football team (both fall and spring),

Coaching my son's baseball team,

Playing on the church softball team,

Playing fantasy football (we have a family league),

Creating new cookie, candy, fudge, etc. recipes and baking (which I Personally wish he would quit for my sake lol),

Reading (at least a chapter a day and usually a book that I or my son is reading so we/they can talk about it),

Teaching a free computer class on Wednesday nights (picking that night since the kids and I have classes at church so that he doesn't miss time with family),

Helping the kids make a new outfit for the renaissance faire every year, Entertaining kids groups with juggling,

Aways has a jigsaw puzzle going,

Spends weekends taking kids to zoo, museum, nature walks, playing laser tag, etc.

Taking family adventure vacations every year (in the past year, we've kayaked to see manatees in Florida, explored caves in Kentucky, white water rafted in the Appalachians, hiked/climbed in the Blue Ridge Mountains)

Teaching our son how to shoot, fence, mixed martial arts, fix computers, etc.

Goes to every cheer competition my daughter, goes to her practices once a quarter, and is trying hard to keep a relation going with her (hard for him as she is a girly girl who's into webkins, Hannah Montana, horses, and fairies but he will sit with her for her one disney show and discuss it with her -which I can't stomach lol and he takes her to Lowes to get stuff for her interior design projects and we have a dollhouse hidden away for them to do together soon).

Calling his parents each week even though his mom would never call us otherwise unless she needed something.

He always seems to be helping someone move, do house repairs, fixing some friend, partner's wives, neighbor's, etc computer for free too (and that is my #1 pet peeve as it really kills our family time more than anything).

 

So most men have an interest in the games but it is possible for them to still have well rounded lives and still be good fathers, husbands, and sweet, good men in general.

Edited March 9, 2009 by AuntPol

[phathui5]

My husband plays video games, some of them violent. The less violent ones, my eight year old and assorted boys from our neighborhood play together. My husband is not a violent guy, actually we started going to a Mennonite church two years ago and he writes for Our Faith Digest.

[Jeanne in MN]

 

I didn't see her coming off that way at all.

[Nestof3]

I can offer a similar observation about my own college days. I had very permissive parents and was allowed almost complete freedom in my teen years. Surprisingly, or not, I was pretty moderate in my own behavior during both my highschool years and my college years.

 

I attended college with several girls who had attended a very conservative and religious school in my home town. They went absolutely mad at college; drinking, sex, all nighters. It's a bit like learning to drink wine in France. A little bit of wine mixed with water at a young age teaches moderation. To be told that wine is completely off-limits, then turn 18 and be handed a bottle ~ it can too much for some kids.

 

I really always fail to see a connection. I see it flip-flop as well. I had very permissive parents and yet continued to go even wilder in college.

 

It's really all about how mature a person becomes prior to leaving home, I think. It's hard for people this day and age to believe that convictions can come from within an 18 year old. People always assume that if a person hasn't gone wild, it's all because the parents are keeping them from going wild.

[Nestof3]

My husband plays video games, some of them violent. The less violent ones, my eight year old and assorted boys from our neighborhood play together. My husband is not a violent guy, actually we started going to a Mennonite church two years ago and he writes for Our Faith Digest.

 

Wow -- that sounds very different from the Mennonite people we know. I can barely wear my wedding ring without feeling guilty. ;)

[Jeanne in MN]

You don't "cut people in half to score points." That's the silliest, most judgmental thing I've heard in a long time. You may cut people in half because in Gears of War (actually, I bet it was GOW2), the chainsaw is the most powerful close-combat weapon. But not to score points!

 

 

I highly doubt it's about how they get points that's the issue. It's about how people get killed that is the issue.

 

 

If anything, you created the situation when you taught him that it was morally reprehensible and he discovered that you were wrong and so is, well, stuffing himself temporarily like a kid at a party who's never had chocolate before.

 

If you approach him about it, ESPECIALLY in the tone you take here, he won't take you seriously.

 

 

Is there a way to express your feelings that isn't quite so harsh?

[Stacy in NJ]

It's hard for people this day and age to believe that convictions can come from within an 18 year old. People always assume that if a person hasn't gone wild, it's all because the parents are keeping them from going wild.

 

My point was that kids need time and space to actually develop and test their own convictions. 18 and the first time out on your own isn't a good time, whether it's a permissive or authoritarian home, to start testing. That should have been done incrementally at a younger age.

 

Of course, people are different and travel different paths regardless of their home lives.

[Tracey in TX]

Young men and video games go hand-in-hand. I personally think it's a yawn-fest, but refuse to shelter my children from the world. We raise them with our values, but granting them permission to slowly enter 'the real world' allows them to be tested. Yes, there is blood and guts in Call of Duty. I strongly urge anyone to skip the headphones, though, as it is a machine-gun style barrage of profanity. Without headphones or volume, that is avoided. (It's enough to make a sailor blush. :ohmy:)

 

DH & our boys spend quality time playing golf and playing video games together. While I still think it's b-o-r-i-n-g, that's what they love to do. fwiw, our boys also play the same games outside sans the screen time, using air soft guns pretending to be in WWII. They're learning something more than just hanging out on the computer. (And for those who think it's for people who have nothing else going on in their lives--DH works a minimum of 75 hrs/wk and spends most of weekend at kids' sports. It's for busy grown-up boys, too.)

[fj62]

Sunshine, I just want to say that I completely agree with you and think you have articulated your thoughts(in all the posts) on the subject very well! I believe this is one of those issues that parents have not been diligent enough in steering their kids away from to better options. And to those who have defended video games by saying that their husbands play the games- how sad. I wouldn't have a whole lot of respect for my dh if he chose to spend his free time this way!!! Have you ever watched the faces of these kids playing these games?(I have many times at our library) Don't really care how much heat I take for this, this is what I believe and I'm taking a stand. I guess I am just tired of seeing and hearing of 40 year old men still living at home with mamma and boys that never grow up.

To the OP though, cut yourself some slack. We can do our best to train and guide our children, but they eventually have to make their own choices.

[CherylG]

With slightly different activities, of course. Music, church stuff, some sports, airsoft in moderation, reading, movies, etc. But 21 is looking very different and I don't get to walk into his home (he pays the rent) and tell him what he's "allowed" to play. I guess what I was wondering, from those who actually have 20 something boys, is whether most of our "not allowed" 17 year old are going to WANT to play violent games when they are self-moderating adults. It's probably silly, but I am sort of disappointed that he wants to play that junk. I thought I was insulating him from it a bit more. It seems so degenerate, but I know I am a woman and that I came of age before the age of video games, and I am wondering if I am unrealistic.

I too had that kind of 17 year old...very active in sports, music, youth group. But, now that he is almost 24, it is the same story. He's a reader and plays video games occasionally, BUT his sister (21)who was raised in the same house is marrying a gamer and she herself has turned into one (slightly). We only ever allowed sports videos-nothing violent and she never played-she was too busy with life.

 

A friend told me that video games are the today of what sport's teams were to our husbands. My husband is a musician-so that doesn't apply to him-he wasn't a sports watcher growing up. My 14 year old son think video games are a waste of time and sold all of his games at our yard sale.

 

I think each child is wired differently and it's our jobs to steer them but when they are adults we need to respectfully voice our concerns and then trust that they will let our words sink in-or not. Our parenting job starts looking a lot different when they are adults. There should be less words when you are parenting adults-if you want a relationship with them. (imho)

Edited March 9, 2009 by CherylG

[CherylG]

I get a bit concerned when I hear someone say that their older-but-not-yet-legally-adult teen (16/17) "isn't allowed" to do a certain thing. I'm not talking about not being allowed to do something *illegal*, just something that the parents may not approve of.

 

ER's college campus has lots of guys who weren't "allowed" to do certain things; their parents didn't allow them to make some of their *own* decisions regarding which tv shows or movies to watch and which video games to play, etc. And when these young men arrived on the college campus they started doing things like staying out all night or going out drinking or skipping classes, etc. Why? Because they *could*. They got that first taste of freedom and didn't know what to do with it because mom & dad always made those decisions *for* them. These young men have no experience in deciding "small" things for themselves while still in the protected environment of the parents' home, so when they suddenly found themselves in a position of being their own bosses (18+ yo & legally adults) and mom & dad weren't there to supervise, they went a little (or a lot) wild.

 

Our older children went to Europe right out of High School. Most of the people were haywire that they met.

 

Children with tons of rules at home and then they go to college with no rules and then it all blows loose. If you think of parenting as an upside down pyramid with the parental control tight like the tip of the pyramid when they are toddlers-hold my hand when walking across the street, say please, don't hit...and then we loosen our grip by allowing them more decision making ability as they get older. They will leave the house already making good decisions or having had the time to discuss the consequences of the "bad" decisions they made as 10-12th graders.

[Guest Katia]

It is interesting in this thread to see that some read the words "son" and "video games" and then using their own experience draw their own conclusions without regard to the age of the "son" in question.

 

There is a very, very big gap between the ages of 6yo, 17yo and 21-24yo.

 

What someone sees as good or bad for a 6yo is vastly different than for a 17yo.....but even between 17yo and 21yo there is a huge chasm. Just because a 21yo male chooses a certain form of entertainment does not mean that he wasn't raised/trained properly or that he is addicted. Come on ladies!

 

I agree with the pp who stated that she finds it comical that someone with a 6yo is telling her what to say or how to say it to her 21yo! When you have that 21yo, then come back and give her advice.

[Nestof3]

It is interesting in this thread to see that some read the words "son" and "video games" and then using their own experience draw their own conclusions without regard to the age of the "son" in question.

 

There is a very, very big gap between the ages of 6yo, 17yo and 21-24yo.

 

What someone sees as good or bad for a 6yo is vastly different than for a 17yo.....but even between 17yo and 21yo there is a huge chasm. Just because a 21yo male chooses a certain form of entertainment does not mean that he wasn't raised/trained properly or that he is addicted. Come on ladies!

 

I agree with the pp who stated that she finds it comical that someone with a 6yo is telling her what to say or how to say it to her 21yo! When you have that 21yo, then come back and give her advice.

 

I agree with you to some extent, but I don't care what rating some organization puts on something, I still find some things just wrong regardless of age. Just because a movie, for example, is rated for adults doesn't mean I agree that an adult should be watching it.

 

Do they have the choice? Sure Should theyhave the choice? Sure

 

But, there are things in my opinion that are "bad" for a person regardless of age. I couldn't care less what anyone thinks about me for thinking so.

[Colleen]

I agree with the poster who said that you have a right to set boundaries of what is acceptable in your home. If you aren't comfortable with it, who cares what everyone else does? If it doesn't jive with your values, have him save it for when he is with his buddies.

 

I haven't read all the replies, but in reading Dana's original post I was honestly surprised, given how upsetting she finds the game, that she's allowing it to be played in her home. Now, of course she can't control what her son does in his own home, or how he spends his money. And naturally, we don't want to make our homes inconvenient and uncomfortable to the extent that our children (young adults) won't want to spend time there. But I believe it's perfectly reasonable to establish limits when we find a particular activity wholly inappropriate. We might ask someone to smoke outside, for example. We might not allow a single young adult to sleep with his or her partner under our roof. We might say, "Please remove your porn mags and movies". And so on. Imo, none of these boundaries ~ or boundaries involving video games ~ are inappropriate.

 

Now, that certainly doesn't mean the person in question is going to cease and desist from the activity at all times and places. In this case, Dana still knows her son plays the game, and it still stings a bit, given the fact that she'd hoped/assumed he wouldn't be interested in such a thing. I will feel the same way if and when my guys play such games when they're older and away from this home. It will disappoint me.

 

Will keeping them away from what I consider junk make said junk more enticing to them when they're older? Who knows, but that's neither here nor there to me. What if I looked in a crystal ball and saw that all my guys, as adults, were sitting around eating Twinkies, playing Halo day-and-night, shooting up, and engaging in satanic rituals? Would that affect my decision now to feed them healthy food in mind and spirit? Of course not. I do now what I deem best and trust that some of that good will, in the long run, stay with them throughout their lives.

[Colleen]

:)

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

What if I looked in a crystal ball and saw that all my guys, as adults, were sitting around eating Twinkies, playing Halo day-and-night, shooting up, and engaging in satanic rituals? [/color][/font]

 

LOL, now I know how my mom must have felt the first time she saw me wear a pair of slacks. She pursed her lips in deep disapproval, told me, "We didn't raise you like that!" and then she cried.

 

I might as well have been shooting up and engaging in Satanic rituals. (The Halo she wouldn't understand, and Twinkies were a major food group growing up, so that would have been ok.)

 

I know I deeply disappoint my mother just by living my own life and breathing my own air and being an adult. And it's alienating.

 

Anyway, just musing.

[Colleen]

I know I deeply disappoint my mother just by living my own life and breathing my own air and being an adult. And it's alienating.

 

 

I experience some of that from my mom, too (not about pants, just other life stuff in general) so I know what you mean. But the differences needn't be alienating. Okay, yeah, I confess I'd be pretty bummed if all my boys engaged in all the aforementioned activities as adults. Especially the Twinkies. I mean, I can handle satanic rituals, but Twinkies...?!!! (JUST KIDDING:D) But it's not my issue after a certain point in time, kwim? Maybe I'll go to one grown son's home and he'll serve up a vegan meal and lament the fact that he grew up on a dairy farm. Then I'll go to another's house and he'll give me a Big Mac and wonder how on earth I could've raised him without fast food. C'est la vie.

[ChristyB in TN]

They play 'em at my house! My 15 year old can play whatever games he wants, he's going to college in a couple of years and by golly, he's old enough to play the games. He loves them but because he is also an athlete who trains year round, 6 days a week, 2 1/2 hours a day, he only gets maybe a couple of hours a week of screen time. He has his own living area upstairs so the rest of us don't have to witness the carnage. :tongue_smilie:

The 9 year old boy is a different matter. He's young and I don't think it is appropriate for a nine year old. Also, his personality is completely different and I really don't think he'll ever really be into that stuff. He plays sports on the Wii only if he isn't actually outside playing sports.

I had to drop all this stuff when my oldest was a toddler. I wasn't going to let anyone in my house have a toy gun and my dd was never going to have a barbie because of the stupidity of it and the stereotypes learned. :lol: Well, my son started chewing sandwiches into the shape of guns and shooting all of us with it and someone gave my dd a Britney Spears Barbie for her birthday and it was her all time favorite thing. The damage was done. Then I got over it. Now my dd is a budding scientist (she's a teenager now) so the Barbie didn't damage her in the way I thought it would and my teenage son is not a long coat wearing "loner" who sits in the bedroom and dreams of shooting people. He's an athlete and a very sensitive and intelligent young man who sometimes likes to play violent video games. It's all good...

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

I haven't read all of the posts, but this seems like a hot topic. So I might be adding to the heat......We don't let our boys play violent video games, nor watch violent movies. We are strict on even PG 13's and never allow R movies, although I would agree many have great historical value. But you don't miss what you don't have. We don't participate as parents in them either. I personally feel, what you put in your brain stays there forever, whether it is porn, violence etc. There is so much good in the world to partake of. We just have a rule when the kids go to friends house, that they know they have to decide what they are going to watch and play. I do believe that overtime violence in video games and porn/internet/movies etc play out. Numerous studies confirm both. I have seen both ruin marriages and family units. This is a tough one, because tons of great kids are consumed with gaming. We too, love to play the wii together- but keep it more in sports and fitness games. Best of luck!

 

PS May I also add my husband and I both grew up with these same values, and neither of us rebelled when we had the chance in college or the likes.

Edited March 9, 2009 by Lux Et Veritas Academy

[Plucky]

The nicest boys I know come over for gaming parties. The games are moderately violent, usually good guy beats bad guy/military games. I have to approve all of my ds's games. My ds has even printed out reviews and written persuasive essays when he's wanted a game. I haven't been a push-over and he knows of the games that will not ever enter this house. He wouldn't even want a game with rape or killing innocent people for fun. We have boundaries I'm comfortable with.

[Danestress]

While he's sort of up and down in how mature and "adult like" he acts, and some of our visits are smoother than others, I suspect that if I just said, "Gosh, I wish you wouldn't play that in my house" it probably would go in the box and stay - no real "rule" necessary. He's just home for a few days anyway, and mostly he entertains his 11 year old brothers (with age appropriate activities!). I can't be certain because he's definitely capable of being a bit childish still, but most days I see more of the man in him than the child.

 

My original post wasn't so much a question about what to allow in my house. I guess I wondered if all Moms feel repelled by that level of violence and if all young men (or most) enjoy it for whatever reason.

 

But I found your perspective very helpful. We try to raise them the way we think best, and muddle through it, knowing that as adult men they will laugh at some of our ideas and cherish others, and that it's hard to predict which is which.

[Colleen]

While he's sort of up and down in how mature and "adult like" he acts, and some of our visits are smoother than others, I suspect that if I just said, "Gosh, I wish you wouldn't play that in my house" it probably would go in the box and stay - no real "rule" necessary.

 

Yes, I know (in the "online friend" sense;)) enough about your son to know that he would respect your wishes if you put your foot down.

 

My original post wasn't so much a question about what to allow in my house. I guess I wondered if all Moms feel repelled by that level of violence and if all young men (or most) enjoy it for whatever reason.

 

I went off on a bit of a tangent, and I apologize for that. My "sound byte" response (which is likely no surprise to you) is that I'm totally repulsed by that level of violence conveyed in that context. I would actually be less disturbed by younger kids running around "blowing each other up" than I would adults doing it via a screen. As for whether or not all men enjoy it, I am going to adamently disagree with those who responded in the affirmative. I do know a whole host of great young (under 30) guys who aren't interested in spending their time that way.

 

We try to raise them the way we think best, and muddle through it, knowing that as adult men they will laugh at some of our ideas and cherish others, and that it's hard to predict which is which.

 

It's interesting. I have two close friends who were raised by mothers that were very big on healthy eating. In both cases, the daughters are completely different. They haven't "lived up to" the dietary standards established by their mothers in any way, shape, or form. One of these friends has jokingly said to me, "Doesn't that make you think twice about shopping at the co-op, etc?"

 

Well, no, it doesn't. In both these cases, the moms ~ now women in their 60s ~ are people for whom I've developed a great deal of respect. Years ago, I balked at their lifestyles. I thought they were totally off the wall. And here I am all these years later, connecting more (on this subject) with the moms than with their daughters. They're mentors to me in that respect. And, okay, their children haven't followed in their footsteps. Are they disappointed? Maybe. But they raised them as they saw fit, and they lived up to their beliefs, and they continue to do so ~ and they influenced others (like me!) along the way. I find that, and their ability to just be who they are, regardless of what their kids are doing, very inspiring.:)

[Elaine]

Yes, please honestly do. It may surprise you--and educate you.

 

Sheesh. ALL my DH's coworkers play games. They're computer scientists, and most are married and have very happy and stable lives. But I guess they don't count, hmmm?

 

*shakes head* You're making stuff up and trying to pass of emotion as fact.

 

Seriously? Why are you getting all worked up over someone else's opinion? You are being unbelievable rude in this thread.

[Colleen]

Seriously? Why are you getting all worked up over someone else's opinion? You are being unbelievable rude in this thread.

 

:iagree:

[Colleen]

I don't think it's the nature of "all" boys to do this, and personally, I think that the "boys will be boys" attitude is not the best approach to dealing with it.

 

 

I agree, on both counts. It's been interesting to read this thread. Interesting and, I suppose, fairly predictable. Generally, those who have husbands (or sons, or other significant men in their lives) who play violent video games believe the interest to do so is common to most guys; those whose husbands, etc. aren't interested believe otherwise. I fall in to the latter category. Someone else said, "most men have an interest in the games". I can only assume she and I don't know any of the same men.;)

[chaik76]

Ria,

 

I found it interesting that your children have to ask permission to play video games, and yet you indicated that you had no concerns about addiction. Do your children have to ask to play soccer and climb trees too?

 

If I were saying this aloud to you, I would not sound snarky, but there is no way of typing this question without it coming across that way. That is not my intention.

We all play video games (me least of all, though).

 

My kids have to ask to play video games...they ask if they want to play soccer or climb trees, too. They're still young of course...by the time they're teens I expect them to be mostly governing their own gaming time.

 

We already play what most consider violent games. Our seven-year old is allowed to play several WWII games. The ones we have chosen for him do not have blood and gore (when someone dies it isn't realistic). We also let him watch WWII videos and documentaries (some of which are very graphic).

 

I don't have a problem with gaming. Someone with an addictive personality can become addicted to gaming, just as they can become addicted to something else. Most people don't become addicted, most people never become violent because of a video game.

 

I think video games are fun, I think they can sometimes be useful, entertaining, and yes, sometimes even educational.

 

I don't know if "most" men are into violent video games. My husband plays both violent and extremely tame ones.

 

When I played video games more I liked the violent ones just as much as he did. I really think it's a personality thing.