Would you guys look over my 16 year old's writing?

[RhondaM.]

Right before I found out I had breast cancer while in California this summer, my 16 year old was happily working his way through Literary Lessons from LOTR. He wrote one paper, then life happened (we came back home to Texas so I could start all my medical testing, then my mom died...on and on.).

 

Besides this ONE paper he has not really written ANYTHING to speak of this year. And of course I am in a panic because he is already behind and because I am not a writing teacher.

 

Anyway...I was wondering...would you guys mind looking over my son's paper he wrote? It is on the theme of courage in the first book of LOTR.

He actually still had some revisions to do on this paper...(he never even wrote a title for it) but it never got done due to everything that happened. But it is the only thing I have to show and ask for an opinion on.

 

This was his first paper of this type to write, I am NOT a writing teacher, and this kid struggles anyway. With all of that going for him I thought the paper wasn't that bad. :001_huh:

 

I'm not asking for ways he can improve the paper...we are DONE with it...and I am going to try to enroll him in a Home 2 Teach writing course as soon as they have an opening.

 

I guess I just need to hear it straight...are we WAYYYYY behind? Or is the paper at least ok?? Is this a decent paper for a first attempt?

 

Here it is below...thanks in advance.

RhondaM.

 

 

J.R.R. Tolkien who wrote the Lord of the Rings, created marvelous characters that seem to come to life as they journey through middle-earth. There are several themes in the Lord of the Rings, such as the Loss Theme, and the Corrupting Theme of Power. It could be said that one of the lesser known themes is one of courage because it endures to the end. Encarta states that Courage is the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action, which reflects what the elves said when they stated that “courage is found in unlikely placesâ€. As in the hearts of Hobbits, in the face of danger, and in places of evil.

It is said that big things come in small packages, and Frodo proves it, for in his small hobbit heart he finds greater courage than what he thought he possessed. As Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin travel through the Barrow-Downs they are captured by a creature called a Wight. When Frodo wakes he finds his three friends lying in a pile of jewels with a naked blade laid across their necks. Horrified, he looks around and sees several other figures whispering incantations over the bodies. He is even more afraid when he notices a hand slowly reaching for him. Suddenly he is grasped by the urge to put the ring on his finger, vanish and abandon his friends. In that moment he fights within himself knowing he should help his friends but wanting badly to run. However, his courage wins, and in his heart his resolve hardens. Grabbing a sword he cuts the beast’s hand off. Instead of taking the easy way out he did what he knew was right and he prevailed through courage and faith in himself.

Courage was also found in a place of evil when the Hobbits were leaving Crickhollow. Knowing that they should not travel by the East Road because it would be watched closely by the Black Riders, they decided to pass through the Old Forest which was inhabited by monsters and many evil things. Their decision was based on the knowledge that if they were caught by the Black Riders the ring would be taken to Mordor and given to Sauron who would use it for his evil purposes, but if they fell in the forest then though the ring would be lost the world would remain safe of its evil corrupting power. Passing through the forest, they noticed that the trees moved like living things and it seemed to the Hobbits that they were being led somewhere, precisely, to the heart of the forest; where the father of all madness, Old Man Willow, resided. In the unlikely place of the Forest Frodo found that through courage he could prevail even in the darkest places of evil.

Later, Frodo finds himself in the face of danger but his courage overpowers all nine of the Black Rider and again he is victorious. After Frodo’s injury on Weathertop they continue on their trip to Rivendell. They realize that they are going in the wrong direction and turn in the direction of the ford. On their way to the Ford they meet an elf named Glorfindel who helps them make their way to the ford. However when they arrive all nine of the Black Riders bear down upon them. Luckily, Frodo’s horse is fast enough and he makes it across the Ford. As the horse reaches the bank, again Frodo is persuaded through dark powers to turn his horse around to face the Black Riders. He does so and is immediately overcome with the desire to put the ring on which would enable the Black Riders to see him. Realizing that the black riders are making him feel this way he is able to overcome and tells the riders to go back to Mordor but they only laugh.

With the last of his strength he points his sword in the very face of danger and courageously proclaims, “You shall have neither the Ring nor me!â€

The Lord of The Ring is truly one of the greatest epic novel of our time in which courage is an important theme. From the time Frodo was called on his adventure in which he would ether live or die until the destroying of the ring he proved that through courage you can face the places of evil and the face of danger even if you only have the heart of a hobbit to guide you through the test and trials that life throws at you.

 

 

[Ruth in Canada]

I just looked at this quickly. My impression is that he might be helped by establishing a good outline first. He has interesting things to say and has chooses words well. It's a bit disorganized, however.

 

I'm working with a 15 year old, and I've really worked hard with her on outlining. At first I did the whole outline for her, to show her what I meant. I gradually have backed off, asking her to do more and more of the outlining. Now I only get involved at a very high level when she's struggling with how to organize her paper. ("Well, based on what you've just told me, it sounds like your three points are x, y and z. Is that right?") I have not worried about doing outlines in a formal manner--I've been emphasizing developing functional outlines.

 

In this case, you might ask him (or show him, if he doesn't know how) to do an outline of the current paper. He can then rearrange it into a structure that makes more sense. Sometimes it's hard to do an outline until you've gotten your thoughts down on paper.

 

I know many adults working professionally who have the same organizational difficulty--so from that point of view, you aren't behind at all! If he can get his organization down in the next 2 years, he'll be doing better than most!

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I am noticing a lack of a hook in the first paragraph. I am not sucked in. The essay is a little bit clinical in its presentation. I am also noticing that there aren't a lot of descriptive adverbs and adjectives in the body of the paper. It needs a little more luster. Maybe some more strong verbs would help, too.

 

I can see the basic structure of this paper. Argument: point 1, point 2, point 3, closing. I just think it's a little dry. Maybe relating the closing a bit more closely to the opening- rather than just saying courage is a strong theme, saying more about why in the opening and closing paragraphs, then elaborating those points in the body would be a good idea.

 

It's a decent start. :)

[RhondaM.]

I am noticing a lack of a hook in the first paragraph. I am not sucked in. The essay is a little bit clinical in its presentation. I am also noticing that there aren't a lot of descriptive adverbs and adjectives in the body of the paper. It needs a little more luster. Maybe some more strong verbs would help, too.

 

I can see the basic structure of this paper. Argument: point 1, point 2, point 3, closing. I just think it's a little dry. Maybe relating the closing a bit more closely to the opening- rather than just saying courage is a strong theme, saying more about why in the opening and closing paragraphs, then elaborating those points in the body would be a good idea.

 

It's a decent start. :)

 

I agree with you and the other poster. He needs a lot of work. And I am not the one to pull it out of him. I am going to get him signed up for the paragraph class at Home2Teach. Hopefully it will be enough to get him ready for some highschool writing classes next year.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

RhondaM.

[Cedarmom]

If my son had turned this paper in at 15, I would have been delighted. His paper sticks to one topic, courage. He give three great specific examples from the book of that theme, and he has nice intro. and closing paragraphs.

 

I think the class is a great idea. You have given him a good solid base to work on. I think he is going to do great in the writing class. He will be able to improve on the good foundation you have given him.:001_smile:

[OHGrandma]

Don't get so bogged down with the semantics that you overlook what he chose to be his theme, courage. With the medical issues you've dealt with this past year, and losing your mother, 'courage' could be a topic very close to his heart.

 

I think it's a reasonable first draft. With some rewriting it could be a very powerful essay. You said he is done with it, and you have plans for future writing instruction, that's fine. But I'd keep this book review because of his theme.

[Explore Academy]

I agree with the comments above. If you are going to enroll him in a class, I'd suggest the sat essay class at bravewriter.com because it really helps kids understand what the difference is between a good essay and a great one.

 

One easy way to edit essays like this is to give him a list of things to add:

 

1. add 2 introductory clauses

2. add 5 interesting adverbs

3. add 5 interesting adjectives

4. revise your transition sentences

5. etc.

 

Hope that helps.

Cathy at Explore Academy

[Tree House Academy]

I think for a 16 year old, struggling BOY writer, it is darn good. I have a degree in English with a focus in Technical Writing, so I would like to hope I could judge fairly. Of course, it is not perfect and there is a lot he can improve upon, but I can only hope my struggling boy writer will get to that level by 15 or 16!

 

The key is that it is overall grammatically correct, it stays on focus for the theme of "courage," it introduces the topic and concludes in a flowing manner. I say good B- work. :)