Jump to content

Menu

Asking young adults to contribute to household


Night Elf
 Share

Recommended Posts

We have never believed in charging our children to live in our home. We just feel like it's telling them this is not a home to them, but a rental. So with that in mind, we're now thinking about asking our ds who has Aspergers to start contributing. He quit his job last November to explore opportunities but nothing is happening. He doesn't spend much money so his savings from working at Kroger for a year can keep him happy for a few years. He pays for all his own dinner food out. He eats our food at other times but I'm talking about slices of deli meat, Lucky Charms cereal, Gatorade, and soda. Those are the 4 things we buy during our normal weekly grocery run that he eats. He pays for all his own medical and dental expenses. He only goes to the doctor twice a year for medication management and an annual physical that is free. Same for dentist, once a year the past couple of years because he doesn't like going twice a year.

 

How do I know how much to ask? I don't want to be unreasonable, especially because I don't like having to do this. But he's got it easy right now so of course he doesn't care to go out and do something to work ,i.e. school or work. Do I ask for a portion of our expenses? Mortgage/Utilities/Internet? Or do I ask for a token amount like $100/mo. Whatever he gives to us is going into a special savings account without his knowledge so if he ever moves out, we can give him that money back. We don't NEED his money to run our household. We're just trying to light a fire under him to get out and do something.

 

Counseling didn't help. He went for 7 - 8 weeks and got nothing out of it. They mostly discussed careers and nothing interested him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To help you shift your perspective remember that your dh pays to live in his home. You pay by managing the household. Paying to live is normal for an adult. I know you have spoken over the months about your ds's unrealistic view of work/life. Not having him pay does not help (but I hear you get that--I'm not criticizing, just trying to help you frame this as positive.)

 

I think $100 is much too low. That's half of what my parents charged my brother in the early nineties and that wasn't tough for him to meet ( that's only 10 hours a month of work ). I would charge $400 at the least. And, with that little I would require significant household help--bathrooms, vacuuming, fixing several dinners a month and dishes. I might even start with that amount and raise it $100 a month for each month he doesn't get a job/ go to school.

 

Whatever you do, put it in writing and be clear. Remember he had shown he can work, so there is no reason he can't. People tend to be happier when they are productive.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I very rarely buy my dc junk, sugar-laden food like Lucky Charms, Gatorade, soda, etc. I'd stop that habit right away. If he wants that kind of "candy" then let him pay for it. He can pay for his dental bills as well. 

 

You are making life far too comfortable for him to remain at home doing nothing.  What is his motivation to do anything different than he's already doing? 

 

 

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Many families I know started out by having the kids take over one bill. So, they'd be responsible for paying the electricity bill on time, knowing when it was due, keeping track of the fluctuations, calling the company over any issues. This bill was a few hundred every quarter, not a huge amount weekly to save for but a big enough bill to impact how the kids viewed living rent free...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd consider not having him pay rent if that's not your preference, but having him pay to contribute in a more serious way to bills and food.  I'd also say that he needs to do a good share of the housework as his way of contributing to actual housing.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you really had the wrong kind of counseling.  He is depressed (from what you have said) and piling on paying for rent on top of everything won't fix that IMO.  

 

Making him pay for foods you wouldn't normally buy is fine......"This is what I buy, if you want fruity pebbles, you need to purchase that yourself"  but I personally would not charge him rent.  YMMV

 

What is your plan when he has paid you all the money in his account but still lives at home?  Kick him out?  

 

 

  • Like 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Following along, because we may soon be in this same situation with our oldest......

 

One thought, not sure if it applies or not, but if he drives his own car, is he paying for it? All of his gas, car insurance, any car payment? If he drives a family car, can he take over paying the car insurance and such? 

 

If he has a cell phone, same thing, can he/is he paying for it himself? 

 

Any of the things that would become his responsibility when he moves out, I'd start switching now. Maybe one at a time to ease him into it, maybe all at once if you think he can do that. If he values his savings, then perhaps the desire not to "burn through it" will motivate him to begin working again.....hopefully. 

 

(but, again.....also following for ideas as we approach this situation soon with our oldest, so.....)

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was also raised by my parents rent free to live at home as an adult. But, I paid by working and contributing to bills, being a student full time, etc. I usually only lived with them a few months at a time a handful of times.

 

To me, rent isn’t necessary if parents are helping their kids establish themselves. But, it’s usually conditional on the kids doing X towards establishing themselves, not a trust fund situation where they aren’t expected to ever support themselves. If your DS doesn’t meet disability requirements and can financially support himself, he should do that. Putting the money aside is your choice, but living in a home should meet 1/x living expenses so he can prepare realistically to live on his own. Or going to school to get a career prepared for himself. Or investing for retirement, or anything. I understand with ASD his situation is different, but the reality is he still needs to be in a place, financially and maturity-wise, where he can take care of himself. Unless you anticipate him always needing in home support. In which case he should meet disability requirements. Or, if he can work, put the money into insurance for eventual in home help or investment for the same goal.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a tough one.  I guess I'd want to figure out why he is so unmotivated to do anything. 

 

If you think it is a matter of him having it too easy, I guess you could charge an amount that is somewhat painful (but stash the money away for him and give it back once he has taken steps to do something with himself).  Say...$500 a month?  That would be a perfectly reasonable amount to cover rent, food, utilities, cleaning services of the common areas, etc. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that it is time for a different approach with his medication or counseling. 

Are there ary outward bound type thing he would like? Maybe a special program somewhere that would interest him? 

 

If he stays at home, I would also mandate that he either works or volunteers 20 hours a week plus an exercise routine (mostly because that is so good for depression) and do a chore. The $ for rent is not going to motivate him to move out if he has plenty of it and does not spend it anyways. 

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have three teens, ages 19, 17, and 15. The 19 y.o. is taking a gap year (maybe two) and lives at home. 17 y.o. is planning to do the same.

 

Our family rule is that we will not charge them to live here, but they must be engaged in something productive for at least 40 hours a week, whether that is work, school, or a combination.

 

19 y.o. is working 45+ hours per week and in his spare time, is doing much of the work for our remodeling project. So far, he has done most of our kitchen renovation, repainted several rooms, and is now laying our new wood flooring. He fixes anything that needs it around the house and also does some of the housework. The kid more than earns his keep. 17 y.o. is also planning to work full time after he graduates.   

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My 22DD who also has Aspergers(or would if she was diagnosed earlier), pays mt $100 per month right noe to help cover the cost of her car insurance.

She pays for her own personal expenses, car expenses, any special food, and any medical expenses, but she is on our family medical and dental insurance. As she starts to make more money, she will be expected to gradually contribute more. We do have a looming threat of me possibly losing my job in June which will change things if that happens.

 

If I remember correctly, your DS doesn't drive or have any expensive hobbies, so I might start out with making him pay for a portion of the internet service that he uses rather extensively. For my DD it helps to tie what she is paying to a specific expense rather than just "rent"

 

My DD did spend about 5 months "between jobs". I basically had to give her a deadline (for us it was equal to about 1sem of school). She was going to have to get a job doing something or start going back to school. She did start volunteering at an animal shelter while she wasn't working. I agree that you are going to have to insist that he do something. He is never going to choose to be uncomfortable in a job that he doesn't really like.

 

 

My DD and I spend a lot of time talking about how no job is good all the time. She hears all about the things that make me not like my job some days. I think it is important for her to understand that many people have to work wether or not they "like" their job. She knows that if life were different I would quit my job tomorrow, but I don't have that option right now.

 

It does help if there is some sort of financial goal. My DD knows she will have to buy her next car (we gave her current car). She would also like to move out of the house in a year or two and is starting to realize how much money that will take.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess it depends on his functioning level. Mine that get SSI help contribute. I am assuming he is too high functioning for SSI, right?

 

I think helping to contribute is just part of being an adult. What and how much is up to you.

 

I also like the idea of 20 hours a week volunteering and doing chores around the house as well. No reason for an adult, even if special needs, to sit around home while everyone else works or is in school (or runs the household).

 

My friend has a son with some learning disabilities and other issues but when he does not have a oayng job she leaves him a list (very detailed as he needs the detail) of chores to do.....washing walls and windows, washing all bedding, cleaning woodwork and trim, lawn care, cleaning bathrooms, etc so that he stays busy.

 

While I am strongly in the camp of proper medication and counseling for depression, I am also in the camp that lack of meaningful work can cause more depression.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does he contribute in other ways, like cleaning the kitchen or keeping his bathroom clean? If you want to Kirghiz a fire, making him a contributing member of the household is a nice start. I love the poster above who said you and dh contribute to living there, so should ds.

So...starting with things like chores is a good way to get him moving and not having his whole day free to himself. Because when he gets a job his day isn’t all his- his employer gets part of his day.

If you want him to learn to contribute financially (also a good idea) perhaps start with something like car use. If he doesn’t drive, someone still drives him places (or did when he worked, and will again when he works again). so a set (token) amount for car use is reasonable since whe he works it shouldn’t cost YOU money. Not that you can’t afford to absorb that cost, but it teaches responsibility. Same with laundry, cell phone,and internet use. so if you decide to charge him $100 a month, remind him that it isn’t really ‘rent’ as much as to contribute to things that he uses.

Having said that, I do not think this is going to motivate him to get a job. However it might relieve some tension that you and dh feel about him stagnating. <— Been there, done that.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He doesn't drive so he has no associated costs. He does pay for his dental. It's just minimal because we have such excellent coverage. The same goes for medical.

 

I don't think he has many symptoms of depression. He seems happy and content. He's doing things he enjoys. He does help with laundry sometimes, usually doing his own if I get backed up and end up with more than 2 loads of darks or lights. Yes, I do some of his laundry sometimes. I'm only doing laundry for me and DH. It's no hardship to toss in some of ds's things. He helps in the kitchen with the dishwasher and drying dishes I wash by hand. He doesn't cook except for an occasional pasta in a box mix. He doesn't really like food at home. He eats out nearly 7 days a week. If we have steak one night, we do get enough for him. He eats it plain with no sides. He just doesn't like  food at home so that's why we got him paying for his own food. I don't mind paying for the deli meat and cereal because he eats on them for a week. He doesn't eat a lot of food. His weight is fine. He has no problems with his appetite. He just had a physical and all his lab work looked good.

 

He's shown he can succeed in school and work, or at least a menial job like stocking. He's hesitant to go into retail because his all or nothing perception is seeing it as him accepting such a position as his career for life. I've tried explaining he needs to make a paycheck until something better comes along. He doesn't understand how that can happen. He's a black and white thinker. 

 

I was hoping when he quit his stocking job that he would see he'd be better off with a degree of some kind. We looked at our local technical school and nothing appeals to him. He knows he'll hate any job of those types. He has no one to mentor him or to allow him to become an apprentice. Retail is the only thing I can come up with because he has no skills. At least he has one year of a steady job with a good reference so I'm sure he would get hired on in retail in most places. His problem will come from personal interaction. He wouldn't do well with customer service, for example. I'd like to think that once in a job, he'll learn that skill but not all Aspies have that ability to interact with strangers.

 

I wonder what he would think of this topic. I've mentioned it to him a few times, starting when he was working so he had an income. But DH didn't want to take his money that he was saving. I'm worried that if I start expecting it now, it would be a punishment. I can just see he'll see it that way.

 

We have a low mortgage and our utility bills aren't great. Our largest expenses right now is dd in college. I think $400 would be fair as it would cover part of mortgage/utilities/internet. I don't want him paying for things he doesn't use such as tv and telephone. Oh he does pay for his cell phone which he only uses as an alarm clock. When he was working he used it like a watch. He doesn't have anyone to text or call and he doesn't use internet on his phone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have mentioned before but this is what we do - I came up with this after my oldest dd, after blowing off most of her classes in high school yet graduating told us she was "taking a year off to relax and recover'. Er, no. "I am an adult now and you can't tell me what to do" was also heard.

 

So - I reminded her that Mom and Dad were adults, too, and we did not have to support another adult under our roof if we did not want to. She could not tell us what to do either. I smiled. She blanched - never occurred to her it worked both ways. Anyway, I let her know that she could still be at home - BUT the options for her and all the others as they "adulted" were: 1. Attend college with passing grades in all classes and you can live at home and/or be supported in college as FAFSA indicated. You pay for your own toiletries, phone etc. so find a small p/t job if you need to. 2. Attend the local cc part-time and work part-time since you have $300 in room/board to pay each month. 3. Attend NO college or further job training of any kind and work full time since you then pay $600/month in room board. Of course, getting a job and moving out to be totally self-supporting always an option, too. Note, this dd DID choose option 2 for a while, then found a full-time job via a temp agency and moved to option 3...which we cancelled after our car crash as she put off moving out (since she by then made ample money to do so with roommates) for several months to be the primary person in charge of house and brother with autism until we were back on our feet. Ended up handy having a functional extra adult around the house then ;-) At this time our oldest was three hours away at college, and youngest was still in high school. So oldest dd had to step up for a time.

 

But the idea of offering option is still a good one. School or school/work or work. And set an amount you feel achievable rent-wise for options 2 and 3. But doing NOTHING not an option unless person totally disabled and unable to do anything. Our son with autism is now in a group home and goes to a day program for folks with autism. School and/or work simply not an option for him. You know your son best and what he can/can't achieve. Don't let him settle for less than he is capable of!

 

AutismMan's fraternal twin, who almost finished college before his brain broke (bipolar/anxiety/insomnia/etcetc) currently is functioning well enough on five or six meds to be able to work part-time and take one class at the local cc at a time. He says he feels better being able to get out of the house and DO SOMETHING - and now pays some rent, too. He might be now making enough that student loan repayment will kick in soon, which will be a chunk of his pay, so he will only pay $200/month (and cover all his phone/car/toiletries/snacks etc expenses).

Edited by JFSinIL
  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

About six years ago, my niece stayed with a family for a summer. They charged her $100 a week, just to use a basement bedroom and bathroom. She did not share meals with them. So just for being there in the house, she had to pay $400 per month.

 

If your son does not want to pay that much, you could tell him he can work some of it off. For each hour of chores, he can reduce it by $10. This may help make the association that if you don't work, you have to pay someone to do the work for you.

 

Because he has asperger's, I think you have to expect this transition to not be easy. Meaning, he may not easily accept a new way of doing things. But don't give up. As long as he feels he has the option to live at home without having a job or contributing to the household, he does not have a reason to see a job as essential.

 

I do think you may be able to find a different counselor who would be more helpful.

 

Could you find or create a financial literacy class, so that he he can see how much it costs just to keep a roof over his head? And that he has to prepare for a day when he will need to live on his own? And that he needs to think ahead toward retirement? Somehow, he needs to gain a long-term perspective.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is how we've worked it with ds, who is in college full-time and receives aid. We also have a three generation household, so my mom chips in for his expenses more than I am. He pays no rent, that's part of our agreement since we can't afford to help him with school. 

 

He pays two household utilities, his own phone bill, and is responsible for half of the gas costs. We all tend to buy our own groceries, and ds buys any of his own food at school or if we go out.

 

The utilities come in either my mom's name or mine and we hand the bill to ds to write the check or he'll pay it online. That's the training of paying bills on a regular basis. 

 

I think you should consider his long-term goals. Does he plan to move out at some point down the road? I'm not familiar with Asperbers, but ds is someone that doesn't like a lot of change thrown at him all at once. Next year he'll take on more bills as I'll hopefully be away at grad school. So by the time he graduates in two years, he'll be well versed in handling monthly bills, just by adding a little more responsibility every few months. 

 

He's in the process of getting his license, so that's our next big expense. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Related to my previous post... Does he have a retirement account? Can he transfer his savings to one? You can teach him about compound interest, and that he can prepare for retirement (when he can't work) by dong that. And then he will not have access to that money now (when he can work). If he has to pay rent but has no savings to pull it from, he will need to get a job.

Edited by Storygirl
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you really had the wrong kind of counseling.  He is depressed (from what you have said) and piling on paying for rent on top of everything won't fix that IMO.  

 

Making him pay for foods you wouldn't normally buy is fine......"This is what I buy, if you want fruity pebbles, you need to purchase that yourself"  but I personally would not charge him rent.  YMMV

 

What is your plan when he has paid you all the money in his account but still lives at home?  Kick him out?

 

I agree.

 

And even if he’s not depressed, he’s certainly confused. He can’t make a decision about work or going back to school or even decide what in direction he might want to start looking.

 

Beth, is your son scared? Is he afraid of failure? Is he afraid of making the wrong decision about work or school? Because that’s what it sounds like to me. He’s scared of being locked in a menial job so he won’t even consider going back to work at a grocery store. He wants to be a writer but he’s not really working at it and submitting anything for publication — could that be because he’s afraid his work will be rejected?

 

I agree with Dawn. I don’t see how charging him rent is going to change anything for the better right now. I think you need to figure out the underlying problem.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Somehow, he needs to gain a long-term perspective.

 

That's a problem with him. I am not sure he sees a big picture. He very much lives in the present. We've told him he can always live with us but eventually he'll have to start helping because DH retires in 9 years and our income will go down and it won't be enough to support 3 adults. He says he understands this but 9 years is a very long time away for him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a problem with him. I am not sure he sees a big picture. He very much lives in the present. We've told him he can always live with us but eventually he'll have to start helping because DH retires in 9 years and our income will go down and it won't be enough to support 3 adults. He says he understands this but 9 years is a very long time away for him.

 

I am going to say one more thing, even if it is discounted.

 

I don't think it would be fair to say to your son, "Ok, you now will be paying $400/mo."  

 

I think it far more fair to say, "We feel you need to get a job or go to school.  If you are working or not working, you will start paying in October of this year.  You have 7 months to figure this out" or whatever.  And your previous "you need a job or school in 6 months" doesn't count unless you added the "and you will be paying rent at that time" in the past.  He needs some time to process this idea.

  • Like 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a problem with him. I am not sure he sees a big picture. He very much lives in the present. We've told him he can always live with us but eventually he'll have to start helping because DH retires in 9 years and our income will go down and it won't be enough to support 3 adults. He says he understands this but 9 years is a very long time away for him.

9 years is too far away for it to matter to your son. He needs goals for 9 months from now and 9 weeks from now — maybe even 9 days from now. He needs motivation to do something.

 

If you know he lives in the present, that’s what you need to focus on. Concrete things that can happen quickly.

 

Has he met with a career counselor? I can’t remember if he has done that.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree.

 

And even if he’s not depressed, he’s certainly confused. He can’t make a decision about work or going back to school or even decide what in direction he might want to start looking.

 

Beth, is your son scared? Is he afraid of failure? Is he afraid of making the wrong decision about work or school? Because that’s what it sounds like to me. He’s scared of being locked in a menial job so he won’t even consider going back to work at a grocery store. He wants to be a writer but he’s not really working at it and submitting anything for publication — could that be because he’s afraid his work will be rejected?

 

I agree with Dawn. I don’t see how charging him rent is going to change anything for the better right now. I think you need to figure out the underlying problem.

 

Oh the writing idea is out now. He finished Stephen King's book and told me he didn't have a passion for writing and he believes it helps a writer. Since he was unable to come up with even one story idea in a couple of months, I think he realized this was not a job he was suited for.

 

I don't know if he's scared about a lot. I do think he's scared he'll be locked in a job he doesn't like. When we told him it was okay to quit his job to explore other opportunities, we trusted him to follow through with that. At first he said he had some ideas but I don't think he's doing anything anymore. 

 

He loves his sleep schedule. He sleeps from 7:30am to 4:00pm and wants a job that will accommodate that. I told him that was stocking in a grocery store. Costco doesn't do that. Publix doesn't do that. I haven't checked with Ingles yet. Yes, he should be doing this researching himself but he's not doing it and it needs to be done. If I can find him a possible job, I can strongly encourage him to consider it. I do want him to call Kroger this week to ask about the opening and hiring dates for a new store opening in our area. I found an article in my local newspaper that it was slated to open spring 2018. We need something more concrete than that. I did tell him if he can't find a job anywhere else, he needs to strongly consider going back to Kroger but to the new store with a new manager and to tell them he has Aspergers to see if that would help him any. 

 

This is just so hard. He's always done what we suggest. He started digging in his heels when he quit college. He was adamantly against beginning a new semester. We told him he had to go to counseling and get a job instead. He did both of those things. The counseling didn't do anything. I don't think he knows what to talk about during a counseling session. The last counselor he went to we told the counselor he was there to learn and understand reality and to explore careers to find a goal. It didn't work. He came out only knowing jobs he'd hate. He has no dreams of being anything so no goals to work towards.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You said he doesn’t drive so he has no costs associated with driving. But you also said he eats out nearly every night. does he walk there? He does have costs associated with driving but you’re the one paying them.

Laundry- no, it’s no trouble for you to toss his laundry in with yours. But adults do their own laundry.

I’m not trying to be argumentative. I’m just trying to get you to see that you might have to toughen up in order to get him to take the steps needed to be an adult. Like JFS says- school or work...there’s a choice. But adults need to be responsible, productive, and moving forward if possible.

 

Asking gently- are you afraid that if you push your son that he’ll get upset with you and it will damage your relationship? If I recall correctly, your dd isn’t coming home from college this summer and that upset you. I get it- when kids fly the nest it can be hard.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am going to say one more thing, even if it is discounted.

 

I don't think it would be fair to say to your son, "Ok, you now will be paying $400/mo."  

 

I think it far more fair to say, "We feel you need to get a job or go to school.  If you are working or not working, you will start paying in October of this year.  You have 7 months to figure this out" or whatever.  And your previous "you need a job or school in 6 months" doesn't count unless you added the "and you will be paying rent at that time" in the past.  He needs some time to process this idea.

 

That's a good idea. I'm scared to just spring this on him as he'll see it as a punishment. Maybe if he knows there is a deadline, he'll be more able to make a decision. We did tell him originally he had 6 months to find something new and that is May. I bet he's already forgotten about that. But we didn't set a dollar amount to contribute to the household.

 

9 years is too far away for it to matter to your son. He needs goals for 9 months from now and 9 weeks from now — maybe even 9 days from now. He needs motivation to do something.

 

If you know he lives in the present, that’s what you need to focus on. Concrete things that can happen quickly.

 

Has he met with a career counselor? I can’t remember if he has done that.

 

His last counselor went over career counseling. Ds did some tests and they talked about the kinds of things ds might like. He came away with the same list he had when he went in, all unrealistic, like being a writer or hacker.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

This is just so hard. He's always done what we suggest. He started digging in his heels when he quit college. He was adamantly against beginning a new semester. We told him he had to go to counseling and get a job instead. He did both of those things. The counseling didn't do anything. I don't think he knows what to talk about during a counseling session. The last counselor he went to we told the counselor he was there to learn and understand reality and to explore careers to find a goal. It didn't work. He came out only knowing jobs he'd hate. He has no dreams of being anything so no goals to work towards.

 

 

Find a new counselor.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This doesn't have anything to do with whether it is a hardship for your family. It has to do with teaching someone what being an independent adult looks like.

 

I disagree about giving him another 6 months to process the idea. He had proven he can work. That's why I suggested staggering the amount by month. It gives him time.

 

You are over functioning by doing his laundry and cleaning for him whether you enjoy it or not. If you want him to learn to be responsible and independent you need to teach him.

 

People with disabilities who live in group homes go to sheltered work programs bc it was found to be healthier than having them sit at home.

 

I loose motivation to get things done over the summer. Having a purpose is important.

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Asking gently- are you afraid that if you push your son that he’ll get upset with you and it will damage your relationship? If I recall correctly, your dd isn’t coming home from college this summer and that upset you. I get it- when kids fly the nest it can be hard.

 

I've never thought about how these things will affect my relationship, such as it is, with him. What I"m afraid of is he'll be devastated and won't want to do his best. He may go back to Kroger but he'll hate it and not work hard. That's my fear. I want him to be at his best. If he got fired from a stocking job, where would he go next?

 

He's adamantly against school. He sees it as a complete waste of his time. When he was at the 4-year college, he was a computer science major but he didn't like the major. It was just the lesser of the evils for him. We simply don't want to pay for him to go to college to earn a degree he doesn't want. For this decision, we feel it has to be up to him. We can't change him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh the writing idea is out now. He finished Stephen King's book and told me he didn't have a passion for writing and he believes it helps a writer. Since he was unable to come up with even one story idea in a couple of months, I think he realized this was not a job he was suited for.

 

I don't know if he's scared about a lot. I do think he's scared he'll be locked in a job he doesn't like. When we told him it was okay to quit his job to explore other opportunities, we trusted him to follow through with that. At first he said he had some ideas but I don't think he's doing anything anymore. 

 

He loves his sleep schedule. He sleeps from 7:30am to 4:00pm and wants a job that will accommodate that. I told him that was stocking in a grocery store. Costco doesn't do that. Publix doesn't do that. I haven't checked with Ingles yet. Yes, he should be doing this researching himself but he's not doing it and it needs to be done. If I can find him a possible job, I can strongly encourage him to consider it. I do want him to call Kroger this week to ask about the opening and hiring dates for a new store opening in our area. I found an article in my local newspaper that it was slated to open spring 2018. We need something more concrete than that. I did tell him if he can't find a job anywhere else, he needs to strongly consider going back to Kroger but to the new store with a new manager and to tell them he has Aspergers to see if that would help him any. 

 

This is just so hard. He's always done what we suggest. He started digging in his heels when he quit college. He was adamantly against beginning a new semester. We told him he had to go to counseling and get a job instead. He did both of those things. The counseling didn't do anything. I don't think he knows what to talk about during a counseling session. The last counselor he went to we told the counselor he was there to learn and understand reality and to explore careers to find a goal. It didn't work. He came out only knowing jobs he'd hate. He has no dreams of being anything so no goals to work towards.

I hate to say this, Beth, but it doesn’t really matter if he loves his sleep schedule if his sleep schedule is preventing him from getting any job other than stocking shelves in a grocery store, which he doesn’t want to do any more.

 

We would all like to sleep whenever we want, but your son is an adult now, and maybe it’s time for him to start living and interacting in the world like most other people. His sleep schedule simply isn’t working. The only thing it’s doing is severely limiting his job prospects.

  • Like 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hate to say this, Beth, but it doesn’t really matter if he loves his sleep schedule if his sleep schedule is preventing him from getting any job other than stocking shelves in a grocery store, which he doesn’t want to do any more.

 

We would all like to sleep whenever we want, but your son is an adult now, and maybe it’s time for him to start living and interacting in the world like most other people. His sleep schedule simply isn’t working. The only thing it’s doing is severely limiting his job prospects.

 

Yes. I know that. I've had that discussion with him. His idea was to scale it back. He went from 8:30 - 5:00 to 7:30 - 4:00. I guess it's time to tell him to move it back again. He's also on a sleeping medication because he has insomnia like I do. Even with his pill, it takes him over an hour to get to sleep. So he's really operating on 7.5 hours. If left alone with no alarm, he could sleep 10 hours.

 

I can encourage him to get back on a regular sleep schedule but that still doesn't open opportunities. All he could do is retail and he doesn't want to do that. None of us has any idea what else he could do besides retail.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Different situation. After extensive testing the results are that they have no disabilities.

 

We did not charge the adult step-children rent because like you I am not a fan of the idea of it. I am not sure how well that worked though, they did not look for a job or partake in job training, college, volunteering, or do anything outside of staring at screens.

 

What we did was slowly increasing the things they had to pay for (cell phone, medical, etc) did not help motivate them. I stopped buying foods they would eat, which was easy as they would not put forth any effort to cook or prepare food. For example, instead of buying preshredded cheese and cooked flour tortillas I bought a block of cheese and uncooked flour tortillas. We stopped driving them places. We stopped waiting and found places for them to apply and made them go.

 

No jobs but they found someone else to pay for them to have a place to live and to buy them food.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes. I know that. I've had that discussion with him. His idea was to scale it back. He went from 8:30 - 5:00 to 7:30 - 4:00. I guess it's time to tell him to move it back again. He's also on a sleeping medication because he has insomnia like I do. Even with his pill, it takes him over an hour to get to sleep. So he's really operating on 7.5 hours. If left alone with no alarm, he could sleep 10 hours.

 

I can encourage him to get back on a regular sleep schedule but that still doesn't open opportunities. All he could do is retail and he doesn't want to do that. None of us has any idea what else he could do besides retail.

Maybe what he needs to do is completely reset his sleep schedule. Changing his bedtime by an hour every few weeks or months isn’t going to get him to a more “normal†sleep schedule for a very, very long time.

 

Your son needs to consider a day job so he will have more options. There are many, many opportunities aside from retail. I’m not sure why you are locked into retail as his only choice. :confused:

 

He could be a receptionist or an office clerk at any kind of business, get a job in online customer service, work at the post office, load UPS trucks, train to become a plumber or an electrician or a heating and air conditioning repairman, become a hair stylist — or sweep the floors at a hair salon or get a job transporting patients around your local hospital if you think he prefers a menial job. And those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. There are so many options.

 

Your focus is so narrow and I don’t understand that at all.

Edited by Catwoman
  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Has he looked into light manufacturing?

 

A young person I know who is a high school graduate with no plans for college works an assembly job. She likes it and she happens to be assembling items that perform a vital role of a healthcare related nature, so she gets a kick out of that.

 

Another job might be a baker or food prep. A sandwich chain has a baker position that starts at like 5 am and the baker makes all the rolls and cookies. The position is such that the baker works alone (no customers) and leaves when the day's work is done. I'm sure there are overnight positions in other food service jobs.

Edited by unsinkable
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Has he looked into light manufacturing?

 

A young person I know who is a high school graduate with no plans for college works an assembly job. She likes it and she happens to be assembling items that perform a vital role of a healthcare related nature, so she gets a kick out of that.

 

Another job might be a baker or food prep. A sandwich chain has a baker position that starts at like 5 am and the baker makes all the rolls and cookies. The position is such that the baker works alone (no customers) and leaves when the days work is done. I'm sure there are overnight positions in other food service jobs.

:iagree:

 

I really like these ideas!

Edited by Catwoman
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm concerned about the sleep schedule as well. Humans are not naturally nocturnal, our bodies need to be not only awake but outside in daylight hours.

 

Sleeping through the day and staying up all night is associated with many negative heath outcomes, including depression.

 

Maybe you need to get him to a sleep specialist.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

He loves his sleep schedule. He sleeps from 7:30am to 4:00pm and wants a job that will accommodate that. I told him that was stocking in a grocery store. Costco doesn't do that. Publix doesn't do that. I haven't checked with Ingles yet. Yes, he should be doing this researching himself but he's not doing it and it needs to be done. If I can find him a possible job, I can strongly encourage him to consider it. I do want him to call Kroger this week to ask about the opening and hiring dates for a new store opening in our area. I found an article in my local newspaper that it was slated to open spring 2018. We need something more concrete than that. I did tell him if he can't find a job anywhere else, he needs to strongly consider going back to Kroger but to the new store with a new manager and to tell them he has Aspergers to see if that would help him any. 

 

 

 

Is there a warehouse job like FedEx or UPS within driving distance?  My oldest ds (who still lives at home) worked at a grocery store for FIVE years (from 17 on) and he had enough...he ended up at FedEx and really liked it.  (However, Starbucks finally called him back after he'd only been working there for 3 weeks and offered him FT and he chose that and loves that even more.)  Anyway, that fits with his sleep schedule, I think, and even though it's somewhat physically demanding, my ds enjoyed the process and little things like how nice it was to finish a particular aspect of the job before his shift was over.  Very satisfying even though there were always packages coming down the line, of course. Ds said he's never slept as well in his life because it just felt so good to crash afterwards!  He liked the team aspect, too, without customers interrupting the work!  LOL  Pay was decent with regular raises and a few opportunities to make more, move up if he wants to.  Just an idea!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes. I know that. I've had that discussion with him. His idea was to scale it back. He went from 8:30 - 5:00 to 7:30 - 4:00. I guess it's time to tell him to move it back again. He's also on a sleeping medication because he has insomnia like I do. Even with his pill, it takes him over an hour to get to sleep. So he's really operating on 7.5 hours. If left alone with no alarm, he could sleep 10 hours.

 

I can encourage him to get back on a regular sleep schedule but that still doesn't open opportunities. All he could do is retail and he doesn't want to do that. None of us has any idea what else he could do besides retail.

It is easier for the body's clock to adjust the other way; rather than moving his bedtime and wake time up he should move them back until they are in line with more normal hours.

 

He can do this in or two hours at a time or in bigger chunks.

 

Go to bed at 10:00 AM, get up at 7:00 PM (let him try 9 hours of sleep, some people need more than 8 to function well).

 

Then 11:00 AM to 8:00PM, 12:00PM to 9:00PM, 2:00 PM to 11:00 PM, 4:00 PM to 1:00AM etc until he gets to maybe 9:00 PM to 6:00 AM and then hold it there.

Edited by maize
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

we had a rule that kids going to school, lived here for free.   kids not in school, needed to be working - contributed to the household in some way.  could be money, could work regular chores, special projects, etc. it's what works for the family.   the point is - life isn't free, and I expect them to be working towards independence.   some kids are more willing/able to fledge than others . . . :glare:

we also expected them to buy their own gas/pay their own insurance etc.

 

2dd moved out for good during grad school. 1dd lived here for quite a while after college while earning a good salary. we charged her, but the rent she paid was a token - and far less than she would have paid living on her own.   it did enable her to save a fair down payment for a house.

my sons took (too much) time to figure out what they wanted to do, so we would have them do "special house" house/yard projects.  they are now both full-time 2/3's through their jr.  year of college.  (there were days I wondered if it would ever happen.  majors were changed, school started/stopped several times.)  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Has he looked into light manufacturing?

 

A young person I know who is a high school graduate with no plans for college works an assembly job. She likes it and she happens to be assembling items that perform a vital role of a healthcare related nature, so she gets a kick out of that.

 

Another job might be a baker or food prep. A sandwich chain has a baker position that starts at like 5 am and the baker makes all the rolls and cookies. The position is such that the baker works alone (no customers) and leaves when the days work is done. I'm sure there are overnight positions in other food service jobs.

These are great. I know someone who worked nights baking bread for a bread store.

 

But with the ASD I am concerned that he may be staying up to avoid the human interaction that he finds challenging. And by doing that he is not getting he practice he needs and if will get harder.

 

I just read a book called the Self-driven Child. It just came out and I thought it was wonderful. It did address anxiety and issues like ASD and ADHD.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you looked into JobCorps?  A nephew who has Asperger's and bipolar did JobCorps (don't be put off by the "low income" thing because his parents make tons of money and that wasn't a problem getting him in) and it has given him job skills, taught him to drive, and other life skills.  It's been really good for him.  He no longer lives at home and is self-supporting.

 

In our immediate family (I have two brothers on the spectrum also), the expectation was college and full time job.  Didn't really matter if they were "happy."  They got it done and support themselves.  Now, the younger one still lives with my parents at age 34 and will probably never move out because it's so comfortable.  But he at least has a full time job and owns his own vehicle and such.  He did have to switch majors from Computer Science to English major (with minor in CS) for that younger one, but he still was expected to finish school.

 

Don't know if any of that is helpful, but sometimes you have to make kids do what they need to do, whether they like it or not.  You may have to dig your heels in harder than he has dug his, for his future.  

 

((hugs))

Edited by perkybunch
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is there a warehouse job like FedEx or UPS within driving distance?  My oldest ds (who still lives at home) worked at a grocery store for FIVE years (from 17 on) and he had enough...he ended up at FedEx and really liked it.  (However, Starbucks finally called him back after he'd only been working there for 3 weeks and offered him FT and he chose that and loves that even more.)  Anyway, that fits with his sleep schedule, I think, and even though it's somewhat physically demanding, my ds enjoyed the process and little things like how nice it was to finish a particular aspect of the job before his shift was over.  Very satisfying even though there were always packages coming down the line, of course. Ds said he's never slept as well in his life because it just felt so good to crash afterwards!  He liked the team aspect, too, without customers interrupting the work!  LOL  Pay was decent with regular raises and a few opportunities to make more, move up if he wants to.  Just an idea!

 

My dh (no college degree) has been working at a warehouse years. There are a lot of people 18+ that he works with. He worked nights for 2.5 years and currently is working days. Its a lot of walking and otherwise physical work but it is a doable job for an adult. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you checked with your county? Since he has a diagnosis, he may qualify for help from the department of vocational rehabilitation. This is exactly what they do -- help people train for and find jobs.

 

The statistics for long term employment among those with autism are poor, and the things you describe are some of the reasons why. County services will understand this and have programs to help.

 

Don't assume that he is too high functioning to qualify. If he cannot maintain employment, he is not too high functioning. Even though he has proven he CAN work, he needs help figuring it out, and that is extremely common with ASD.

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have no experience with Aspberger’s, but we recently had our 26 yr old struggling, unmotivated, mentally ill son living with us. It’s not the same, because he’s my DSS, and he always has an out - live with his mom, no rent no work necessary. So maybe apples to oranges. But I thought our experience might give you some ideas.

 

Anyway, we did not charge rent because we didn’t “need†it (we actually now think that was a mistake and we should have had him contribute to the household, even minimally). We wanted him to save his money and his savings, so he could move out. I don’t think moving out was on his mind though, unbeknownst to us.

 

What we did instead though, might be an idea: we required X hours of work outside the home each week. It could be a full time job, a part time job or jobs, or volunteer work. We didn’t care if it was paid or not, but it needed to be in the service of others. We required a few specific chores each week (cleaning a powder room and taking out the trash - less than our minor kids do). And we required that he attend his appointments with his psychiatrist, follow her recommendations and take his meds (he’s very non-compliant). And no substance use (though this is not an issue with your son, it was with ours).

 

In our case, it didn’t work, but not because of our requirements, I don’t think they were unreasonable. Our family therapist thought they were generous, and that we should have charged rent and asked for more household participation. I think it was a combo of mental illness, medical non-compliance and substance abuse. He just couldn’t/wouldn’t meet any of those requirements. He chose to go live with his mom again, who is fine if he doesn’t work and doesn’t charge rent, or require anything. (Lest I sound like an evil stepmom, his mom has the same mental illness as DSS, and they just sort of feed off each other, I’m only stating facts, no judgment. She does the best she can.)

 

For your son, if you are uncomfortable with charging rent, you might consider requiring other things you think might help him. Seeing a sleep specialist, getting out of the house daily for volunteer work or something else, buying his own treat foods, whatever you think will help.

 

The trouble is: what happens when they don’t comply? I’d encourage you to think through that clearly because you have to have a plan for what to do if they don’t comply and be ready to follow through. It might be something like upping the rent or requirements, doesn’t have to be asking him to leave.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe what he needs to do is completely reset his sleep schedule. Changing his bedtime by an hour every few weeks or months isn’t going to get him to a more “normal†sleep schedule for a very, very long time.

 

Your son needs to consider a day job so he will have more options. There are many, many opportunities aside from retail. I’m not sure why you are locked into retail as his only choice. :confused:

 

He could be a receptionist or an office clerk at any kind of business, get a job in online customer service, work at the post office, load UPS trucks, train to become a plumber or an electrician or a heating and air conditioning repairman, become a hair stylist — or sweep the floors at a hair salon or get a job transporting patients around your local hospital if you think he prefers a menial job. And those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. There are so many options.

 

Your focus is so narrow and I don’t understand that at all.

 

Yes to all of this. Even if the job isn't what he wants/likes or will challenge him socially, he needs to do something. Sleep schedules are OFTEN based on work schedules, not the other way around.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know how much you should ask for but it's not unreasonable to ask for something. Our view has been similar to yours but once they get beyond 18, they should be doing something. For ds (as it was for dss) you are either attending college full time or working. If going to school we don't ask for money, even if he has a part time job. If he's not attending school he should be working full time (or at least trying to find work - it's not easy for young adults) and if you're working full time you contribute in some way to the household.

 

Ds doesn't have ASD but he does have ADHD combined type (meaning both impulse control and focus issues) so I know it's hard when your young adult isn't NT.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Check with your local arc/ disabilities office for vocational training/career classes. With his issues, this would be beneficial to him. And find a new counselor.

 

To me- he sounds like depression( not everyone gets the symptoms we normally associate with it) and maybe a bit of anxiety. Having a bit of fear of going into the outside world, succeeding, etc. Very common among Aspies and the classes from the center could help with it.

 

His hours he wants to work could be actually a great way to ease into other jobs. Stores ( target,walmart,etc) and bakeries need people to stock and prep. A way to break into a new job/career with not as many people could propel him a good positive direction.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...