My parents are struggling-- what would you do??

[borninthesouth]

This is a very long and complicated story about my parents and my brother.  I will try to put it in the simplest terms possible, so you can understand the situation.  I really just need a place to vent, but any helpful ideas are welcome.  I guess the stress of this situation along with homeschooling and just life, in general, have me really on edge.   

 

About 12 years ago my brother's mental illness began to take over his life and he started threatening the authorities in the area he lived in.  He was suicidal and in a bad place.  Eventually, it came to a head, he was arrested, put in jail, and charged with several felonies.  While in jail he got mental help.  He continued treatment after he got out and was able to go work with my dad, who owned a small carpet cleaning business.  My dad's business really wasn't big enough to pay him much, but my brother had no other job prospects after committing the felonies.  

 

They worked together for about 4 years and my dad was diagnosed with cancer.  My dad could not run his business, so my brother ran the day to day for him and my brother was paid the lion's share of the profits.  My dad was in the hospital getting treatment for about 3 months and then he needed several months to recover.  He was able to draw disability after this because of the kind of cancer that he had.  He was 56 at the time.  After that my dad did not do any of the physical labor for the business.  He handled the books, bills, taxes, insurance and all that, but he did not clean any carpets.  He still made a little money off the business, but not much.  Most of the profits went to my brother.  During this time my brother also moved in with my parents.  They paid him more than before since he did most of the work, but he lived rent-free-- he didn't pay any of the household expenses.  

 

My dad did a short stint with Uber, but otherwise would not work.  I say would not, because after his recovery he could have gotten a job that did not require physical labor.  My mom worked cleaning houses and at Walmart during this time.  About 4 years ago my brother started acting really crazy again.  He was always mentally ill, but it really started to get bad again 4-5 years ago.  I won't go into all the details (I would need to write a book!!).  Let's just say he threatened someone else and now has a misdemeanor on his record... But, his felony convictions have been taken off completely.  It looks like he has a clean record except for his misdemeanor.  

 

This Christmas he came to me and my 3 sisters and told us that he wanted my dad to give him the business entirely.  My parents don't make much off the business-- maybe $500-$800 a month, but they were staying afloat.  He wanted us to start supplementing their income, so he could take the business and begin a life with a new girlfriend.  My dad agreed to this because he lets my brother walk all over him, but whatever it is between them.  I said from the beginning that it was none of my business.  My other sisters were not so nice about the situation, and he lost it and threatened all of us because my sisters told him what they thought.  He agreed to pay my dad $600 a month in rent and he would handle everything for the business except my mom's cleaning. Actually, a pretty fair deal. 

 

Fast forward to today-- my brother is yet to pay rent.  He got really mad at my dad one day and threatened to kill all of us-- my sisters, their children, my parents, and my family.  My dad had to send my mom away that day because he was afraid of what he would do.  My dad sat on the couch and the porch all night with his pistol hoping he would be safe.  My brother has access to a lot of guns.  Everything is in my dad's name, but as I said before he bullies my dad and my dad gives in.  I think my father is scared for us and scared for himself-- understandably so.  He has made some stupid decisions regarding my brother, as I said before I am trying to simplify.  But, there have been many decisions along the way that we tried to warn my dad against and he wouldn't listen.  

 

I know many of you will say, "go to the police."  Trust me.  We have.  The only things we can do at this point are: take a restraining order (which does nothing) or have him put in a mental institution, where more than likely he would only stay for a maximum of 2 days.  I have a friend that works for a sheriff's department and we talked for an hour yesterday.  She said the police really can't do anything unless he breaks another law.  

 

So, here are my questions... My parents can't pay their bills. They won't ask my brother for the rent he promised because they say he will be mad at me.  Whatever, I think that is a cop-out.  I think he will be mad at me no matter what.  Luckily, I live 3 hours away, but my sisters are not so lucky.  They live about 30 minutes away.  My dad can't work now because he needs a knee replacement.  He promises he will get a job as soon as he gets that done, but he didn't have a job for more than 6 years when he could have worked.  I told him I would help some.  I can afford to help some, but I am the only one.  My one sister is a single mom with no spousal help and the other is a very, young military family, so they only have enough for their needs.  I am afraid that my dad will keep asking until it breaks me.  It is so sad for me to write those words.  I love him so dearly, but I think he would be ok with me going back to work and sending all my kids back to school to support him and my mom.  When is enough, enough? By supporting him no strings attached, my crazy brother wins all around.  If they lose their house at least they can live somewhere a little safer without him around.  (They would have to get subsidized elderly housing.)  But, they would give up a lot.  Do I let them face the consequences of not preparing and bad choices or do I help as much as possible because of some of the rotten hands they have been given?  And because they are my parents? 

 

Also, we have had to start doing "what if" drills in our home.  What if my brother decides to do something horrible?  How do I hide my kids when he will be armed with AR15s (please no gun arguments-- I know the pros and cons and just don't wish to go there right now)?  What can I do to beef up security in our home?  Do you think an alarm would help?  

 

Sorry to have such a heavy subject.  I really don't want to talk to people I know about this because most people just think I am crazy.  It is CRAZY!!  I know it!  If you made it through-- thanks.  You have been a great help to me today.  

Edited March 15, 2018 by borninthesouth

[SKL]

What a difficult situation!

 

I think I'd help your parents move to the retirement community you mentioned and leave your brother out of it.  It sounds like he has what he wants and is not going to pay the rent.

 

I am surprised it isn't a crime to threaten to kill people.  Seems to me that should get him arrested and his guns confiscated, but you say your sheriff friend disagrees, so I guess I don't get it.

 

I have helped my parents a lot (financially) over the years, and no amount is ever enough.  So, decide what you are willing to do and do that.  And don't let anyone make you feel guilty.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

No.

 

I know more about this than I'd like to put online, but based in those experiences, my answer is

 

1. Cut them all off.

2. Move.

 

Your parents are in a horrible spot but some of this is consequences of allowing him to do what he wants to them. Sisters are in a bad spot but you don't have to let them also write the script for your children.

 

You have children. You brought them into this world, knowing this is their extended family, but you can make a decision for the violence and fear not to touch them. Cut everybody off and change your address, email, and phone number. If you can't help yourself and must reconnect, for whatever reason, check back with them after your children grow up and move away.

 

Your children are not responsible for bearing the burden of your misplaced loyalty and guilt. Protect them like nobody has ever protected you.

Edited March 15, 2018 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Rosie_0801]

Why isn't elder abuse illegal?

[dirty ethel rackham]

I don't have any answers for you.  As the parent of a mentally ill child, I do know that I have made many choices and decisions that I never thought I would have in order to help keep my child stable and not upset the apple cart.  I never thought I would be "that parent".    Without meds (or if the meds stop working), my child could become your brother and it scares the crap out of me and I know that there will be hard choices to make and I have to keep in mind the welfare of everyone, not myself. 

 

My heart aches for your parents and the situation they are in.  The stress of the situation must be unbearable ... knowing that everything they say or do could trigger a violent reaction.  They love their child.  They want to protect their child (and you and the rest of the world) from his own mental illness. My heart aches for you.  This must be so hard to see them in such a hard place and to experience the financial pressure.  

[Laurie]

 

 

Fast forward to today-- my brother is yet to pay rent.  He got really mad at my dad one day and threatened to kill all of us-- my sisters, their children, my parents, and my family.  My dad had to send my mom away that day because he was afraid of what he would do.  My dad sat on the couch and the porch all night with his pistol hoping he would be safe.  My brother has access to a lot of guns.  Everything is in my dad's name, but as I said before he bullies my dad and my dad gives in.  I think my father is scared for us and scared for himself-- understandably so.  He has made some stupid decisions regarding my brother, as I said before I am trying to simplify.  But, there have been many decisions along the way that we tried to warn my dad against and he wouldn't listen.  

 

 

 

When you say that your brother has access to a lot of guns/AR15s...who exactly owns them?  If your father owns the guns, then he needs to sell them all immediately and put the money into an account that your brother can't use.  Your father and mother will have some money and your brother can't use the guns.  To me, this is the first step and if your father won't do it, you owe them nothing more.  Cut them off.

 

I don't know whether you are able to move or not.  But if you stay, get an alarm system to protect your family.  You might even want to alert your neighbors about your brother.  Give them a photo/description of him/his vehicle and tell them to call the police if they see him because he has threatened to kill you and your family.  If your brother shows up, you call the police even if your parents are with him.  Don't let him in ever. 

[SKL]

Yes, if they are your dad's guns, come on a day when your brother isn't around and take them away.  Or have someone neutral do it, so your brother doesn't attack you over it.  Get rid of them.

[Tsuga]

Threatening to kill someone is a crime. That is assault.

 

http://blogs.findlaw.com/blotter/2016/01/criminal-penalties-for-murder-threats.html

 

I would call the police and if they don't respond, call a lawyer. He could go to prison.

 

 

 

I know many of you will say, "go to the police."  Trust me.  We have.  The only things we can do at this point are: take a restraining order (which does nothing) or have him put in a mental institution, where more than likely he would only stay for a maximum of 2 days.  I have a friend that works for a sheriff's department and we talked for an hour yesterday.  She said the police really can't do anything unless he breaks another law.  

 

With a restraining order, it will be easy to catch him breaking the law. That's what those are for. You're thinking, it won't give an armed guard, so what? But the point of that order is to make it illegal for them to continue harassing you. Then when they do, they can be charged with a misdemeanor or a felony.

[itsheresomewhere]

Personal experience here- helping them also would be giving your brother money even if they say they won’t. The best thing would be to not help with money handed to them. Maybe make a donation to the power company on their account, drop off some groceries every now and then.

[prairiewindmomma]

I kinda agree with Tibbie on this one. We have had our own family drama on a similar refrain and ultimately your parents’ decisions are their own and where there is already an established pattern of behavior, it is very hard for them to change course.

 

They have options. Moving and selling the house is one of them. Closing the business is another.

[umsami]

Way too much of what you have written is familiar to me.

 

1) Who owns the guns.   If your Dad, get rid of them, lock them up (you keep the combo/key), etc.

 

2) Talk to the police about removing the firearms.  Some states will now do that before a crime is committed, just based on threats.  Plus, your brother's history of mental illness should help.

 

3) Regarding your parents/business, I think they should probably close the business or give it to the brother and move to a location that he does not know.  Then go zero contact.   

[katilac]

Yes, I do think a good alarm system will help, along with security cameras. The cameras are pretty cheap these days, we have them and we can check them on our phones when we are away. Lots of motion-activated lights around the house. A dog can help. Alert the neighbors - and don't be proud, make sure they know exactly how dangerous your brother is. Alert the school; they should not allow anyone access to the children that aren't on a list, but I'd take the extra precaution. I'm glad you live far away. 

 

Take the time to carefully consider what type of help you will offer your parents, and for how long. 

 

Or, just take Tibbie's advice. It's the hardest but probably the smartest. It sounds like you have solid reason to be afraid. 

 

[Spryte]

I wish this didn’t sound familiar.

 

Briefly, I would:

 

- make sure all of my fathers’ guns were inaccessible. Is brother still living with them? Remove all guns, as much as possible. Have someone else do this, not you, you don’t want to be the target of his rage.

 

- help your parents sell their home and get into the facility you mentioned. If brother still lives with them, that might get hairy. It might require legal action to evict him, and you want that restraining order. Planned strategically, the two days he gets held in a psych ward if you can do that, might be enough to clean out the house.

 

- now that I’ve typed all that, I want to say - forget that. You’ll never feel safe again. Never. :(

 

- so rather than the above, encourage your mom and dad to do those things.

 

- I have an alarm. Sure, you could get one. But speaking from recent experience - don’t count on it to save you. It won’t. You still need a plan for safety.

 

Bottom line, after writing all this: I think you should move. Don’t give your brother or your parents your new address (because brother will get it from your parents, somehow).

 

Honestly, I was recently in a semi-similar situation, and had to make hard choices to protect my minor kids. It was wrenching. Is wrenching. I still don’t feel safe, even with an alarm and security cameras installed because of that situation. :(

 

It’s ok not to destroy your family unit, your household unit, paying for mistakes your parents and brother have made. It really is ok not to pay for their mortgage, or anything else. You need to keep yourself safe. And your kids.

 

Protect your kids. Please.

 

 

 

 

 

How’s that for a turnaround in a post?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Spryte, we all understand that turnaround! (((Hugs))) Trying to think how to make it kind of okay, no, wait, it's still not okay... ðŸ™

[Spryte]

Spryte, we all understand that turnaround! (((Hugs))) Trying to think how to make it kind of okay, no, wait, it's still not okay... ðŸ™

Some things just can’t be okay, and I’m coming to terms with that. My 14 year old is struggling with how to make sense of it, but one can’t find sense in the senseless.

 

OP, I understand any compulsion you feel to help, but your first responsibility is keeping your kids safe. Do the hard thing.

 

And if you can’t move - still distance yourself, and definitely get that alarm. I believe our alarm may have helped us recently - we will never know for sure, but it looks that way. It was a bad, bad night. It’s a terrible, horrible thing to carry around, that kind of fear.

[borninthesouth]

When you say that your brother has access to a lot of guns/AR15s...who exactly owns them?  If your father owns the guns, then he needs to sell them all immediately and put the money into an account that your brother can't use.  Your father and mother will have some money and your brother can't use the guns.  To me, this is the first step and if your father won't do it, you owe them nothing more.  Cut them off.

 

I don't know whether you are able to move or not.  But if you stay, get an alarm system to protect your family.  You might even want to alert your neighbors about your brother.  Give them a photo/description of him/his vehicle and tell them to call the police if they see him because he has threatened to kill you and your family.  If your brother shows up, you call the police even if your parents are with him.  Don't let him in ever. 

 

Those are good suggestions.  My father is afraid of the repercussions if he takes the guns away.  My brother would grow irate at the removal of the guns and considers some "his" although they are not.   My sisters and I have been discussing the conditions of me loaning them money ONLY if he removes the guns.  I don't think it will ever happen though.  We have been begging him.  

[borninthesouth]

Threatening to kill someone is a crime. That is assault.

 

http://blogs.findlaw.com/blotter/2016/01/criminal-penalties-for-murder-threats.html

 

I would call the police and if they don't respond, call a lawyer. He could go to prison.

 

 

With a restraining order, it will be easy to catch him breaking the law. That's what those are for. You're thinking, it won't give an armed guard, so what? But the point of that order is to make it illegal for them to continue harassing you. Then when they do, they can be charged with a misdemeanor or a felony.

 

If we were to get a restraining order he would retaliate for sure-- no doubt.  It would take the police an average of 9 minutes to arrive.  It is no contest.  I don't think you understand his state of mind.  He doesn't care about being caught at that point.  It would be about retaliation.  He would do whatever it took to retaliate.  

[borninthesouth]

Threatening to kill someone is a crime. That is assault.

 

http://blogs.findlaw.com/blotter/2016/01/criminal-penalties-for-murder-threats.html

 

I would call the police and if they don't respond, call a lawyer. He could go to prison.

 

 

With a restraining order, it will be easy to catch him breaking the law. That's what those are for. You're thinking, it won't give an armed guard, so what? But the point of that order is to make it illegal for them to continue harassing you. Then when they do, they can be charged with a misdemeanor or a felony.

 

 

We have talked to 2 different people in law enforcement that say he would be out in a few days if we pressed charges.  He would then come after us.  

[maize]

Really distancing yourself sounds like the only thing you can do.

 

If your parents would move and cut off contact that would maybe be best, but if that us not possible I do not think there is much you can do.

 

Your parents cannot save your brother, and it sounds like they are unlikely to distance themselves.

 

Mental illness is so devastating :(

 

I agree with those who suggested you move if you can--move, and don't give your address to any family members.

[eternalsummer]

The thing is, with mental illness, you can't just count on staying on his good side forever by doing the "right" things and appeasing him.  Someday he will react illogically to something you either didn't mean to do or say or that you didn't even do or say or that has nothing to do with you or that doesn't even exist except in his head.

 

I would feel really terrible about your parents too, and I'd give them all the advice I could and monetary support I could to escape - but I'd also take my kids (and husband) and leave yesterday.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This is getting worse. OP, you should be conducting this conversation from somewhere other than home.

 

Active shooter drills with little children at home, calculating minutes for police response, you've already tried to get advice from law enforcement, you really believe that the switch could flip and he would come to your house to kill you.

 

Look, at this point, you don't have to have actually worked against him. He only has to THINK that you have done that, and then he will bring his assault rifles to your babies' home and shoot you?

 

This is when you go to the DV shelter if you don't have a friend in another state to put you up for a few days, while dh secures the house and moves you all out. And changes the email and phones and everything.

 

And if you live in such a hellhole that the good old boys network is so apparently unconcerned, that's something to consider when you are looking for your new location.

 

Again, this is my experience with arsenals and sheriffs and packing up kids and bugging out...but I'm about as triggered as I want to be for one day, so I will probably not continue to read this thread.

 

But I hope you will get your children to safety and teach them a new normal. It is a tremendous loss, the distance from the family we wished we had. Nobody thinks it's easy. But children should not live in fear for their lives if their parents can help it. That is your duty. To your children, not to your parents.

 

:(

[Spryte]

In complete agreement with Tibbie.

 

And also triggered. :(

[hjffkj]

With everything you have said I personally would relocate my family and not tell anyone where I was. 

[whitestavern]

borninthesouth, no advice, just lots and lots of virtual hugs of support. So sorry that you have to go through this, that anyone has to go through this. But at least those that have can share good advice to you.

[TechWife]

This bears some similarities with my extended family. If I knew then, what I know now...

 

I think that your parents need a way out. Not being able to afford their bills is a good reason for them to change their living situation.  At this point, I don't recommend providing financial assistance to them. It will simply put off the inevitable. My answer might be different if your brother was not in the house. I provided a lot of assistance to my parents for many reasons, and I don't regret a dime of it, but I didn't know the extent to which my brother took advantage of them until after they died. If I had known, that would have been addressed first. 

 

Other than not giving them money, I do have some suggestions for you: 

 

1) Continue to make a safety plan. An alarm system may or may not act as a deterrent. If you get one, get one with a camera. 

 

2) Ask your parents to make a safety plan. 

 

3) Decide at what point you will involve the authorities. That includes not only law enforcement, but social services. Depending on the age of your parents, your brother could be considered to be engaging in elder abuse (not paying rent might be considered financial mismanagement and threatening behavior is a piece of the pie as well). 

 

4) If your brother asks your to support your parents at any time, don't engage with him. Tell him that your relationship with your parents is between you and them - don't let him be the go-between. It's unhealthy for everyone concerned. 

 

5) Think ahead a little bit -  ask your parents to get power of attorney for both financial and health care in place, complete advance directives and update their wills. This will help things go smoother when the time comes that they can't take care of their personal business. 

 

6) Remember that it's okay to not answer the phone when your brother calls. 

 

7) Keep detailed notes of threatening behavior towards you, your own family and your parents. Threatening behavior is both physical and verbal. You may need these notes to justify a restraining order at some point. 

 

ETA: I finished reading the rest of the posts you and others made. You need to make sure you and your family are safe. Don't tell your family where you go, just go. 

 

 

Edited March 16, 2018 by TechWife

[Garga]

How would the OP move and not be found? Can’t a person be found by credit cards or through driver’s licenses? It always seems to easy for people to figure out that info in the movies or in books. Is it actually hard IRL and the books and movies are just silly? I mean, you can go online and type in a person’s name and a state and it gives you their address. He could just type in their name and go state by state and find them, right? The OP would have to figure out a way that their address isn’t in any white pages. And you can google people’s names and if their company has posted something about them, it can be found by anyone and now he’d know where your DH works. Or if he was really on his toes, couldn’t he hire a PI and have them found?

 

I’m not saying this to discourage the OP from moving, but maybe people who are saying she should move (and have moved in secret themselves) have insights into how she can be sure they’re not found once they move.

Edited March 16, 2018 by Garga

[Garga]

OP, you might want to change the title of this thread to, “I have received death threats-how do I protect my family?†and more people might read the thread and give you more ideas.

[TechWife]

 

I’m not saying this to discourage the OP from moving, but maybe people who are saying she should move (and have moved in secret themselves) have insights into how she can be sure they’re not found once they move.

 

For safety reasons, I doubt the people who have had to do this will answer questions on a public forum.  A domestic violence shelter is a valuable resource for anyone who finds themselves in a DV situation. 

[umsami]

How would the OP move and not be found? Can’t a person be found by credit cards or through driver’s licenses? It always seems to easy for people to figure out that info in the movies or in books. Is it actually hard IRL and the books and movies are just silly? I mean, you can go online and type in a person’s name and a state and it gives you their address. He could just type in their name and go state by state and find them, right? The OP would have to figure out a way that their address isn’t in any white pages. And you can google people’s names and if their company has posted something about them, it can be found by anyone and now he’d know where your DH works. Or if he was really on his toes, couldn’t he hire a PI and have them found?

 

I’m not saying this to discourage the OP from moving, but maybe people who are saying she should move (and have moved in secret themselves) have insights into how she can be sure they’re not found once they move.

 

If you are a DV survivor, you can get a change in SSN and stuff.  I think she should seek the advice of a lawyer to engineer this in a way to best protect herself.  https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/should-you-change-your-social-security-number

 

Make sure you change your phone numbers go unlisted.

 

You can buy property in the name of a LLC or otherwise hide your identity.  

 

Honestly, if you truly fear he would pursue you, I would even consider a last name change for yourself and kids...even if it's just a spelling change to make you harder to find.

[Plink]

The best way you can help your parents get out of this awful situation is to allow them to go bankrupt.  That will give them the excuse they need to get out of the house, and move into an elder-care facility that brother can't follow them to.  I don't know any legal details, but I believe it may even require the sale of the majority of their assets, and would therefore remove the guns from the equation.  

 

I am so sorry.

Edited March 16, 2018 by Plink

[EMS83]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[LucyStoner]

How would the OP move and not be found? Can’t a person be found by credit cards or through driver’s licenses? It always seems to easy for people to figure out that info in the movies or in books. Is it actually hard IRL and the books and movies are just silly? I mean, you can go online and type in a person’s name and a state and it gives you their address. He could just type in their name and go state by state and find them, right? The OP would have to figure out a way that their address isn’t in any white pages. And you can google people’s names and if their company has posted something about them, it can be found by anyone and now he’d know where your DH works. Or if he was really on his toes, couldn’t he hire a PI and have them found?

 

I’m not saying this to discourage the OP from moving, but maybe people who are saying she should move (and have moved in secret themselves) have insights into how she can be sure they’re not found once they move.

Her brother is a mentally ill person with a criminal record who runs a small carpet cleaning business.

 

I’m sure she couldn’t hide from the cops or people with the money for pricey investigators but I’m fairly sure that her safety is enhanced by him not knowing where they are when he’s spiraling.

 

If she moves, it would take awhile for public records searches to update and there are steps you can take to suppress or remove your data from public record searches.

Edited March 16, 2018 by LucyStoner

[Garga]

Her brother is a mentally ill person with a criminal record who runs a small carpet cleaning business.

 

I’m sure she couldn’t hide from the cops or people with the money for pricey investigators but I’m fairly sure that her safety is enhanced by him not knowing where they are when he’s spiraling.

 

I suppose I was thinking of him obsessing over finding her as part of his illness, and a simple white page lookup could direct him right to her doorstep. The people who posted about asking lawyers or DV shelters was what I was looking for--ways for the OP to move and still stay hidden.

 

 

 

Edited March 16, 2018 by Garga

[LucyStoner]

I suppose I was thinking of him obsessing over finding her as part of his illness, and a simple white page lookup could direct him right to her doorstep. The people who posted about asking lawyers or DV shelters was what I was looking for--ways for the OP to move and still stay hidden.

Some options involve changing your name on paper or placing any real property into a generic sounding trust.

 

I have some relatives who do not know my full last name. Even so, I’ve contemplated changing it to something very generic at times.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[mom@shiloh]

No advice, just  :grouphug: .  It sounds like a really difficult situation.

[bettyandbob]

I wouldn't give the parents money.

 

Does the locality have an elder services or adult protective service (mine does). I'd call and see if you could get someone to start an investigation.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No.

 

I know more about this than I'd like to put online, but based in those experiences, my answer is

 

1. Cut them all off.

2. Move.

 

Your parents are in a horrible spot but some of this is consequences of allowing him to do what he wants to them. Sisters are in a bad spot but you don't have to let them also write the script for your children.

 

You have children. You brought them into this world, knowing this is their extended family, but you can make a decision for the violence and fear not to touch them. Cut everybody off and change your address, email, and phone number. If you can't help yourself and must reconnect, for whatever reason, check back with them after your children grow up and move away.

 

Your children are not responsible for bearing the burden of your misplaced loyalty and guilt. Protect them like nobody has ever protected you.

 

Yeah, I'm not seeing any other option either.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this. 

[lmrich]

Isn't this considered Domestic abuse? He is threatening so many people, has a history of violence and mental illness, and access to guns! There are no solutions that your brother is going to like. Can you speak to a therapist or a social worker about options?

[Seasider]

What an awful situation.

 

You are artificially propping up your parents in this situation. Stop giving them money. They will lose the house and hopefully then be forced into a safer living situation.

 

If I were you I would likely relocate. Not sure if the job will allow it, but what kind of life are you living now? You and your family are being held hostage by fear and the real prospect of violence. That's no way to live.

[maize]

Some options involve changing your name on paper or placing any real property into a generic sounding trust.

 

I have some relatives who do not know my full last name. Even so, I’ve contemplated changing it to something very generic at times.

Generic names can be good--I have very generic first and last names; I've done name searches on myself and even when I include my state of residence and age I mostly get a dozen other people who are not me. Edited March 16, 2018 by maize

[Pen]

I wouldn't give the parents money.

 

Does the locality have an elder services or adult protective service (mine does). I'd call and see if you could get someone to start an investigation.

 

This.  Even if your parents are not old enough to fit as "elders," your father and brother both have disability issues which in many places will suffice to be able to get senior and disabled Social Services involved.  But also keep contacting law enforcement, your area in addition to where your parents and brother are.  I'd be concerned with all the guns that brother may become one of these shooters in some public place as well as commit domestic violence.

 

House Alarm. Security cameras. Motion sensors. A watch dog perhaps though a dog could be another family member to have to protect.

 

Ideally, some way to learn if brother leaves his area and might be headed toward yours, and a safe place to go that is not your home at such a time might help. Living more than 3 hours away might help.

 

Have you read The Gift of Fear?  

[MotherGoose]

Those are good suggestions. My father is afraid of the repercussions if he takes the guns away. My brother would grow irate at the removal of the guns and considers some "his" although they are not. My sisters and I have been discussing the conditions of me loaning them money ONLY if he removes the guns. I don't think it will ever happen though. We have been begging him.

Maybe you could call your police friend and have them on standby (but not visible) when it he finds out they are gone and becomes "irate." Maybe he will commit a crime in the process and go to jail.

[Pen]

How did the felonies get expunged from his record?

 

 

eta:  I can understand your dad and all being fearful of him becoming irate if guns are removed, but it sounds like the problem is that he become easily and dangerously irate if he does not get his way, and I'd think an irate person without easy gun access would be safer than an irate person with easy gun access. Not to get into a gun debate, but I'm wondering if in your state your father as gun owner has legal responsibility for keeping guns out of reach of a person with known mental instability?  If your brother goes berserk and hurts someone with a gun belonging to your father, wouldn't your father also have criminal and civil liability?

Edited March 17, 2018 by Pen