Prioritizing Everyone's Needs

[Gabrielsyme]

Sitting and reading during quiet time today and my mind keeps drifting to the herculean task of meeting each of my children's needs. I have two school age gifted kids who are not technically diagnosed as 2E but see a private OT for mild sensory processing stuff, a three year old and a baby. My oldest (8) is in a fairly demanding university model school that meets twice a week so I spend the bulk of my academic energies shepherding her through assignments on her home days. Her younger brother is a bottomless pit when it comes to learning so he trolls around sucking up everything he can get his hands on but as he gets a little older I can see ways in which this free form approach needs guardrails. He needs guidance when it comes to focus and taking instruction from others. The SPD factor, although not severe, throws its weight around, especially if we are tired or overly busy. 

 

I know this is stage of life but I could use a pep talk. For those of you with more than two kids, did you get a handle on it as they grew older? I think we're doing fine right now but I'm beginning to see ways in which focus on OT has sidelined an ideal academic path for my second and generally speaking I'm concerned that I won't be able to individualize my approach and challenge each kid appropriately. I have no concerns that they'll be behind, just that they might not thrive if I am as scattered and distracted by sleepless nights, OT and the accompanying behavioral issues that come with SPD. I've never been further down the road than I am at this moment (like all of us) and I could just use some encouragement that homeschooling four emotionally reactive gifted kids can and has been done well.

[Black-eyed Suzan]

Hopefully someone with more kids and more wisdom will come along, but until then... :grouphug:

 

I only have two likely-2e children (and my oldest is only 11), but I do want to encourage you in this. The difference in my oldest from 8 to 11 is vast. There has been a lot of maturing and many things are easier than they were 3 years ago. I'm sure that other challenges are coming soon, and there are different issues affecting my younger, but hear this:

 

Just because it's particularly difficult now does not mean that it will always be that way.  

 

When I feel overwhelmed, I like to listen to wiser women who have already accomplished homeschooling. Sally Clarkson and Cindy Rollins come immediately to mind (I listen to their podcasts while I do chores), but there are many on this board that I've read, too. They talk (among other things, of course!) about making sure to take care of ourselves, about being creative about fitting in learning opportunities, about accepting that we will not be able to "do it all" or find the correct formula that will create perfect children, but also that it is ok.

 

One encouragement with your 2nd child specifically - focusing on OT now will likely make academics easier in the future than they might have been. Remember the leaps that happen? They are easy to forget when you are in a lull, but it is all part of the process. 

 

Hope that helps!  :grouphug:

 

 

[....]

I've never been further down the road than I am at this moment (like all of us) and I could just use some encouragement that homeschooling four emotionally reactive gifted kids can and has been done well.

 

Not sure how helpful I can be, but I'll try!  I'm very frazzled lately, so I don't feel like I'm an encouraging person.  

 

I have 5 kids.  16, 15, 13, 10 and 2.  I have one (oldest) who tested as gifted in the brief time she went to public school, one that is absolutely beyond-the-shadow-of-a-doubt gifted in one thing (13 yro) and two kids who I suspect are 2E (15 and 10) but I was never able to get them tested.  They probably needed to be tested (one of my biggest regrets), but the school district here is not homeschool-friendly.  One of mine has very intense emotions (the 13 yro) and I think my hair is starting to turn white at the roots from this kid.

 

I don't think any of them would've been ok in school.  Well, and the oldest two weren't ok, which is why I pulled them out.  So, homeschooling is our only option.  

 

My entire day is spent working with my kids on their schoolwork, helping them with their guitars or violins, taking them to their sports, driving them to classes/activities, doing PE with them (it's weird, but we all do "PE" together - they love it), etc.  I'm very organized.  They have a daily schedule of things they need to get done.  I have a daily schedule for myself.  We have a dry erase board in the kitchen with our entire day mapped out on it so everyone knows what to expect and when we are supposed to be "where".  Our day generally goes very smoothly, except for the 2 year-old. But the oldest kids play with him a lot, invite him into their bedrooms, etc.  So that is very helpful.

 

I should probably add some encouragement here.  After ten years of homeschooling, my oldest teens have turned out fine.  They're not weird or not able to function in the "real world" or whatever junk people spout off about when they talk about homeschooling stereotypes.  They're very smart.  They're not behind their peers or whatever, academically.  

 

My oldest is huge into volunteer work and either wants to be a doctor or go into missions work with the church.  She volunteers 1-2 x week with a dog rescue.  She helps set up and run their 5K every spring, she works their weekly adoption events, she goes to their facility and paints their fences, walks the dogs, cleans the kennels, helps fix things, etc.  She also works once a week at an equestrian physical therapy place for special needs adults and kids.  She usually does the side walking or leads the horses.  Also, she runs some kind of social media thing where she searches local shelters for dogs about to be euthanized and then contacts dog rescues in the local area and they go pick up the dog/try to get it adopted.  

 

Second oldest wants to be a doctor and also works with special needs adults at the equestrian PT facility.  He's huge, so he helps lift the adults on/off the horse and helps the PT with the exercises.  He also spent a summer helping with the Special Olympics.  He helped teach martial arts to special needs kids for several years.  He's really into sports, so he is constantly doing "something".  He ranked #6 in the world in a particular sport a couple of years ago, but he has dropped that sport and has moved onto track & field.  He has been invited by a coach to join a high school football team in August, so we are considering that.  

 

*shrug* They seem to have turned out OK.  And people were very against us homeschooling when I first pulled them out of school.  No encouragement from anyone.  I pulled them out anyway.  I don't regret my decision.   

[Gabrielsyme]

Wow guys, 

 

Thanks for your gentle, thoughtful replies! I didn't post this on the learning challenges board because I have found it to be a (tiny) bit more reactionary than I'm comfortable with. Raising a kid who is different than his or her peers can be isolating and hard and it's so easy to hear our own experience in the voices of others. It's so very common for GT kids to be sensory, emotionally intense, resistant to change, etc... and when I've described (an admittedly low point from a few months ago) my kids over there I've gotten an immediate hand slap in the "your child is on the spectrum and you aren't handling it appropriately" vein. We're really happy with the OT we're doing and I can see real progress in that area and many others but it's so hard to see around the bend in the road that is inevitably right in front of us. 

 

I loved Cindy Rollins book Mere Motherhood. It really caught me off guard as it's the type of book I usually give up on about halfway through. Lovely. My oldest (8) was crying the other day and saying that she doesn't know any other kids who are as emotionally intense as she is and she's sure her friends NEVER cry the way she does. We talked about modern life in a community where we don't get to see or hear the lives of our neighbors and how that distorts our view of "normal." I can't promise her that her friends are every bit as emotionally intense as she is but I KNOW they cry sometimes, their parents get overwhelmed, they aren't always perfect. I appreciate both your responses because they help to chip away at that feeling of isolation just a bit, as Rollins book does, as working to make community more transparent, more real often can.

[scbusf]

I don't know. I have: 11 y.o. DS (ADHD, gifted, SPD, Dysgraphia), 10 y.o. DD (severe anxiety, academically advanced, but not gifted), and 7 y.o. DD (ADHD, SPD, gifted - possibly profoundly, maybe CAPD). And to add to the fun, both of my girls were adopted from China w/ cleft lip and palate, so we have surgeries, speech therapies, etc. All 3 kids see Counselors for all these issues.

 

I just don't know which way is up most days. I am in the process of ditching all the textbooks (except math) and moving everything to project-based learning and unit studies.

[....]

I am in the process of ditching all the textbooks (except math) and moving everything to project-based learning and unit studies.

 

We did this for years and it was wonderful.

[....]

 Raising a kid who is different than his or her peers can be isolating and hard and it's so easy to hear our own experience in the voices of others. It's so very common for GT kids to be sensory, emotionally intense, resistant to change, etc... and when I've described (an admittedly low point from a few months ago) my kids over there I've gotten an immediate hand slap in the "your child is on the spectrum and you aren't handling it appropriately" vein. We're really happy with the OT we're doing and I can see real progress in that area and many others but it's so hard to see around the bend in the road that is inevitably right in front of us. 

 

You may run into some really old posts of mine on this forum somewhere.  We had really hard time with dd13 when she was little.  I'm not kidding, I think the stress actually aged me.  She had so many sensory issues that she couldn't touch anything with her hands.  She used scot towels to touch everything.  She did the toe-walking thing when she walked through a room.  When she was about 4 or 5, she became afraid of Anthrax.  Yep, Anthrax.  She started washing her hands so much that the tops were bleeding.  She would throw huge fits and hit her head on the wall...she flung her head once and knocked out her front baby tooth.   :(  She couldn't sleep, because she couldn't "turn off her brain".  She became a vegetarian around the age of 6 (for moral reasons, of course -lol ).  She would put everything in her mouth - her shirt, her pencil, etc. 

 

I suspected she had mild autism or Asperger's, so I started going through the evaluation process at the doctor.  What they were saying scared me into throwing the doctor's business card in the trash and not pursuing it any further.  They were saying she was just doing all that to "get attention" and it was because we had a large family.  Also, they kept asking about homeschooling and saying they don't recommend homeschooling to anyone.  Like my kid would've been ok at school.  Yeah, right.

 

Anyway (I feel like I'm taking over your thread - sorry!), I went on a huge campaign to help her.  We started making changes to her diet - cleaning up her diet and removing processed foods and grains.  She liked art, so I took her on an art supply shopping spree at Hobby Lobby and we set up an art area where she could store all of her supplied.  Every morning, we started the day with art.  We didn't even do any formal schoolwork.  We just did art.  I started reading The Out of Sync Child and The Out of Sync Child Has Fun (I think that's the title) and started following those suggestions.  Every time we were out and passed a playground, we would stop so she could run around and climb.  I took her to a playground pretty much every day (I still do, actually).  I put her in martial arts and art classes and that helped, too.

 

Things got a lot better.  She's 13 and most of those issues went away.  She does get a little intense sometimes.  She is still constantly working on art.  She works individually with an art teacher several times a month and the teacher is telling me she is at an early college level in studio art.  She plans to major in fine arts when she goes to college.  We still have to do a lot of physical activities.  She does ballet, gymnastics and she did track & field last season.  She also has a black belt in TKD.  

 

Sorry for rambling.  I hope something out of there was encouraging.  You're not alone!

[4KookieKids]

I don't know. I have: 11 y.o. DS (ADHD, gifted, SPD, Dysgraphia), 10 y.o. DD (severe anxiety, academically advanced, but not gifted), and 7 y.o. DD (ADHD, SPD, gifted - possibly profoundly, maybe CAPD). And to add to the fun, both of my girls were adopted from China w/ cleft lip and palate, so we have surgeries, speech therapies, etc. All 3 kids see Counselors for all these issues.

 

I just don't know which way is up most days. I am in the process of ditching all the textbooks (except math) and moving everything to project-based learning and unit studies.

 

I'm right here with you. My oldest is only 8.5 and I also have 6.5, 4.5, and 2.5 year olds in the house. The oldest two are most definitely diagnosed 2E. Jury is still out on the younger two. :) We visit a variety of folks each week: speech therapists (one for speech and one for other language stuff), OT (for two different kids), vision doctor/therapy, psychologists (two older kids clicked with two different psychs...), etc. 

 

I have made my peace with the fact that, at this point, academics are the least of my worries. I'm sure there are others who feel differently, but I feel blessed to have the gifted side of the 2E because it means that, with very minimal effort on academics, my kids will stay on track with their peers (and, in all likelihood, far ahead of them still). I would feel much more stress side-lining academics in favor of therapies if they weren't meeting "normal" academic goals -- I'm not saying that it would be less important in that case, just that it would be more stressful for me to make that judgement call. I've made my peace with the fact that we could be doing more, and we're not. Ds8 *could* be starting pre-algebra, and my 6 yo would happily do lots more BA, and my 4 yo would happily have more reading instruction, and my 2 yo somehow taught herself to add and actually gets the idea of 1-1 correspondence, the other issues we're working on are more important, and I just don't have the mental energy (nor the time) to "do it all." 

 

So for this phase in our lives, academics are very minimal. Kids spend more time practicing instruments and reading and playing outside and doing therapy than any sort of actual academics. My husband worries about it much more than I do. He's concerned that the need to be learning to sit and do school. Even if they don't fall behind, he's concerned about their work ethic and their discipline. I'm far more concerned with my own sanity and the quality of our family life.