Wedding shower-might be a JAWM

[whitestavern]

So my niece (via marriage) is getting married in June. DD and I received invitations to her shower about a month ago. In big letters it stated the shower was being thrown by my SIL, niece's mother. I'm pretty sure Emily Post would have something to say about that, but whatever, maybe SIL didn't know that moms aren't supposed to host the bridal shower.

 

A couple of weeks later we were with SIL and she commented to my dd that she would be needed to help out, since the shower is being held at my MIL's home and dd is familiar with where things are (basically letting her know her and her cousins would be washing and putting away dishes afterwards.) Okay, another hmmm moment. But we're nice people, don't mind helping out, so okay, although it would've been nice to ask, "Would you mind helping out? We'd really appreciate it" versus being told.

 

So the shower is next weekend. Yesterday I get an email from SIL (which was also sent to my two other SILs) telling us what she was planning on serving and to please reply all about who would be bringing what. I was like huh??? I mean I'm happy to bring something but there was never any conversation about this, no previous "heads up" that we'd be asked to provide food for the shower. I could totally see if we had all gotten together and said let's all throw niece a shower, but it was never even discussed. I got the invite, SIL noted on the invite that she was hosting, and that was that. Is my thinking out of line? This just seems so bizarre to me. Would love to hear input from the hive.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, I think it's ok that she is hosting it and all that, but the last minute oh by the way what are you bringing is kinda weird. 

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Tacky tacky tacky.  In so many ways.  And entitled.  Did I mention entitled?

[Bluegoat]

Hmm.  I think my interpretation would depend on whether they were usually clueless about such things.

 

I have found most people do not have a clue that there are etiquette rules about who is supposed to host a shower.  And quite a few too may come from areas where the tradition is actually quite different - this seems especially the case in rural communities.

 

As far as the food etc, it could be that they are disorganized more than rude.  People seem to get very flustered with planning wedding related stuff, especially if several people are trying to do the planning.

[OneStepAtATime]

I will admit that there have been times I made huge faux paus in the moment because I was very busy and frazzled and juggling too many things.  My words/actions made sense in my own head but came out completely wrong.

 

That being said, while I don't care who is hosting the party (and think in today's day and age we should be past getting our knickers in a twist regarding this type of thing), the assumption that your DD would NEED to help out and the assumption that you would be bringing food to help out without ever discussing this with you and your DD, and never even ASKING politely, just basically ordering you two to do these things, is really annoying, rude and obnoxious.  To give her the benefit of the doubt maybe she is just really not thinking clearly and has no idea how this is coming across.

[unsinkable]

Well, the etiquette of who is "supposed" to hold a shower doesn't even cross my radar, so I that's not something I would care about. And, family helping in various ways, also doesn't cross my weird radar. BUT....no previous heads up about the pot luck status and an email a week before saying here are the dishes, pick one (which is how I am reading your post, if that's not correct, apologies) that would be weird.

I tend to agree with this. I'm Ok with bringing food, and a week heads-up is more than enough time for me.

 

But yeah, weird the way it evolved.

[marbel]

I think the etiquette on hosting has changed.  My sister, who has always been a real tight-*** when it comes to etiquette, recently hosted a baby shower for her daughter.   

 

The food thing sounds like it could be a couple of things - your SIL thinks she already asked you, or your SIL figures that as family, you would be standing ready to help as needed, at any moment.  I could see either of those happening with some members of my family.

 

 

[goldberry]

Don't care about the etiquette/who hosts part.  Just "expecting" that you will help without asking is rude.  Very.

[Garga]

I’ve been in a “whatever†mood lately, so I’d probably just shake my head and then bring the food.

 

But I would be worried that there would be more demands to come. I think that after the shower I’d say, “It was great bringing the food, but I don’t remember us ever meeting and planning all that. It surprised me. Are there other plans for the wedding that I’m involved with that I need to know about now? I don’t want another surprise.â€

[Starr]

It’s much more pleasant to be asked than told.

[whitestavern]

Thanks, all. You kind of confirmed that I'm not crazy to think this was outside of normal.

 

MIL is a crazy, must follow etiquette, do it how it should/should not be done, make sure we look good to other people type of person, so SIL isn't clueless. She's also not flighty. She is completely type A, planning the entire wedding, which is also being held at MIL's home, and has spent most weekends there prepping the place (painting, landscaping, etc.) for months. It will be very Martha Stewart, top of the line, no expense spared event. This family is not at all about potluck gatherings. I think that's why I was so surprised. Honestly I thought it would be catered--it's more their style. And Garga, I think you are right. I think we will all be expected to play a part in the wedding work as well. IDK, it's not really how I roll. I would for sure accept and even probably ask my sister, mother, best friend to help if it were me, but I'd consider everyone else to be a guest to the party.

[gardenmom5]

yes, it's bizarre.  sounds like she wants the credit without the work.

 

the fact miss manners would be getting the vapors by an aunt throwing the shower I would ignore because - family.

 

I had a friend who wanted to throw me a shower - and never asked about dates,  or who I wanted invited.

 

2dd had one her sil threw more for - family. then she had showers with friends/schoolmates/coworkers.

 

 

Edited February 23, 2018 by gardenmom5

[Seasider]

Thanks, all. You kind of confirmed that I'm not crazy to think this was outside of normal.

 

MIL is a crazy, must follow etiquette, do it how it should/should not be done, make sure we look good to other people type of person, so SIL isn't clueless. She's also not flighty. She is completely type A, planning the entire wedding, which is also being held at MIL's home, and has spent most weekends there prepping the place (painting, landscaping, etc.) for months. It will be very Martha Stewart, top of the line, no expense spared event. This family is not at all about potluck gatherings. I think that's why I was so surprised. Honestly I thought it would be catered--it's more their style. And Garga, I think you are right. I think we will all be expected to play a part in the wedding work as well. IDK, it's not really how I roll. I would for sure accept and even probably ask my sister, mother, best friend to help if it were me, but I'd consider everyone else to be a guest to the party.

In that case, I might reply by saying oh so sorry, I don't remember committing to bring food, we are actually going to XYZ the (hours, days) before arriving at the shower so we won't be able to assist you in catering this event. Hope that's not too inconvenient for you.

 

I understand it you may be agreeable to bringing something, but this reply would kind of set the tone for your possible reply to future expectations.

 

And fwiw, I understand etiquette perhaps "evolves," but for someone who is accustomed to following the normal rules to suddenly bend them all at her own convenience....yeah, weird.

[bolt.]

In some places the "known rules" might well be that if you are female and related to the bride (within xyz steps of relation), your role includes shower food and wedding work. That's a fairly common rural "pull together" perspective, so I wouldn't be too surprised not if I found myself unexpectedly 'not asked' to contribute in the ways 'all the women always contribute on these occasions'. (I mean, it's unexpected, just not unheard of.)

 

That doesn't sound like their style now, but it might be in their history. It's possible that it's one of those things that maybe was done during the mother's childhood or something -- and she just thinks everyone knows because 'everyone' does showers this way.

[eternalsummer]

In our extended family, the way Bolt describes it is accurate.  Family holds the shower (the mother of the pregnant woman or newly engaged woman, if possible) and every female relative is expected to pitch in - older ones bring food, younger ones do clean up or party prep.

[gaillardia]

Really, it was always my understanding that the following order is who hosts/plans a bridal shower: close friends, or cousins, or aunts. Or the mother of the best friend. Whatever, but definitely not the mothers of either the bride or groom.

I was put in this position, even though I know the Ms. Manners etiquette. In my situation: No, no friends to do it. (What?!) No, no cousins. No, no aunts. No, no church friends. Wow, what a friendless person. That's why the step-mom then invited 25 people. < <please detect my sarcasm.

I am the groom's mother. 

I love love love the bride-to-be, but will be really glad when the festivities are over. 

Pretty sure the step-mom doesn't understand the etiquette from our culture on having a bridal shower. I was afraid there was not going to be a shower for her and I had asked future dil which of her friends lived nearby and would be doing this for her. She said no one. 

I guess that might be the other thing...who will step up and do it? 

So, yes, in your situation the mother is out of line for telling people what to do and how to do it and I would either go ahead and man-up or say sorry, no. What other future events will she pull off like this and expect everyone to man-up on short notice? Why was she the one left holding the bag for the shower in the first place? Why aren't close friends of these young ladies stepping up?