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Emotional Vampirism


Teacher Mom
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I have someone (an adult) I love who can suck you dry emotionally, to the point that I have to nap after speaking with this person. Even more troubling, this person uses sudden emotional upheaval (that happen seemingly out of the blue) as an excuse for why this or that could not be accomplished. This person is in counseling, but, since I am not sure the person perceives this problem, counseling seems not to be working.

 

What do I do? If I engage, I am said to be judgmental. That leaves a conversation with the other person talking and me just absorbing. I just can't do it anymore-- I am going out of my way just to avoid this person. What do you do when you can be loving but not enabling? Any suggestions? 

 

I should say this is not my husband but someone I usually interact with multiple times weekly.

 

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I deal with people like that from sort of a concerned distance.

 

I always choose to make the assumption that they are telling me the truth (unless it is actually impossible to maintain that ) and that they are doing their best and are mature and sensible.  So I speak as I would to a person like that.  I don't take anything they do personally, at all, or invest myself emotionally in any outcome.  I say what I think within the bounds of tact.  If they step across the normal lines of polite discourse, I am surprised and a little disappointed and say or show that is the case.  I don't say things like "you should" but "I would" or "could it be that" or other things like that.

 

And if you don't have time to talk about it any more, say you don't have time but will think about it and let them know if anything occurs to you.

 

Anyway, people like this can be difficult, but basically I think the thing is a kind of emotional discipline on your part - you don't need to get sucked in, but you can still be nice about it.  Kind of like someone peeing in a toilet that's right off the living room and you can hear it - but you choose not to.

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Yes, this person has always been very high maintenance. Before, i was exhausted, so I thought the problem was me. Now that my life has slowed down, I realize that, while I love this person, I have not liked the person for a long time. The level of exhaustion makes it hard to remember that this should be a loving relationship. Does that make sense?

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Unless this is one of your kids, avoid as much as possible. My relative like this, I literally bow out of conversations that are deeper than the weather. I just can’t do it. And she does have a personality disorder (not npd).

 

And don’t become the rescuer in a crisis. Screen your phone calls.

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You don't have to absorb. Be the duck if you can't avoid them.

:iagree:

 

Can you keep nodding and smiling sympathetically until you can either change the subject or get away from this person?

 

It seems clear that sincere advice is unwelcome, so engaging in a discussion with this person seems like a waste of your time. (I’m assuming that you don’t want to be direct with this person and tell him or her that you’ve got your own problems and don’t have the energy to deal with their drama.)

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Some people feel safest when they're playing a victim, and they bring the trouble onto themselves.  I've found when you no longer engage or help, simply offer a polite but distant look of sympathy and say something like, "that's too bad," or "I'm sorry that happened to you," with an air of impatience and/or suspicion, then change the subject or walk away, they'll focus on people whose energy they can suck.

 

Don't try to get them to change.

 

If they get confrontational about why you're avoiding them you can say something like, "Gently, it seems like you bring a lot of problems on yourself.  Maybe you should talk to your therapist about that."  Then if they press say you really don't think you're an appropriate person to talk to about this sort of thing and they really need a trained professional.

 

 

Spiritual vampires are why I stopped working in ministry, and why I'm pretty sure I would be a terrible therapist.  I don't have the patience for it any more, and if someone pushes me I'm likely to be blunt to the point of being rude.  On the other hand, the boundaries I developed during that time in ministry have meant spiritual vampires actively avoid me now.  There's one in the extended family (I'm sure has a personality disorder) who actually seems a bit afraid of me.  She'll insult the rest of the family and be strangely deferential to me.

 

 

 

ETA:  Now that I'm thinking about it, it's not that this sort of person feels safest being the victim as much as that they don't feel they have enough connections to people to develop genuine relationships, so they put out this "in distress" vibe because nice people can't ignore those in distress.  It's emotional manipulation because they're too afraid to be real.

Edited by Katy
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Some people feel safest when they're playing a victim, and they bring the trouble onto themselves.  I've found when you no longer engage or help, simply offer a polite but distant look of sympathy and say something like, "that's too bad," or "I'm sorry that happened to you," with an air of impatience and/or suspicion, then change the subject or walk away, they'll focus on people whose energy they can suck.

 

Don't try to get them to change.

 

If they get confrontational about why you're avoiding them you can say something like, "Gently, it seems like you bring a lot of problems on yourself.  Maybe you should talk to your therapist about that."  Then if they press say you really don't think you're an appropriate person to talk to about this sort of thing and they really need a trained professional.

 

 

Spiritual vampires are why I stopped working in ministry, and why I'm pretty sure I would be a terrible therapist.  I don't have the patience for it any more, and if someone pushes me I'm likely to be blunt to the point of being rude.  On the other hand, the boundaries I developed during that time in ministry have meant spiritual vampires actively avoid me now.  There's one in the extended family (I'm sure has a personality disorder) who actually seems a bit afraid of me.  She'll insult the rest of the family and be strangely deferential to me.

 

 

 

ETA:  Now that I'm thinking about it, it's not that this sort of person feels safest being the victim as much as that they don't feel they have enough connections to people to develop genuine relationships, so they put out this "in distress" vibe because nice people can't ignore those in distress.  It's emotional manipulation because they're too afraid to be real.

 

You know, that's interesting about the avoidance.  I have some people, including family, like this in my life too - I tend to think they have BPD or something similar an some are addicts.  I don't find they avoid me, but they never seem to try and draw me into their drama.  Which is good, it's why I manage usually to maintain a good relationship even when the other family members don't.  My sister OTOH can't help but get drawn in and always ends up having to break off relations with these people.

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