MIL jewelry

[MEmama]

My MIL has a very large collection of jewelry, much of it which was her mother's. It is very important to her that it "stays in the family" and I am the preferred DIL to give it to. Unfortunately every piece is enormous and gaudy--not something I would ever, ever wear. She has been asking lately if I've had it resized or reset (which would be acceptable to her), but in truth there's no way I would spend money to do either of those, only to continue to store them in the back of a drawer. There is simply no way to make them into something I would willingly wear.

 

I only accepted the pieces because I wanted to be polite, and because there really was no kind way to get out of it. Anyone who has ever taken one glance at me knows I wouldn't wear it, and after 25 years she really ought to know I'm not the sentimental type. I figured she would be content just knowing she had passed it along, but now DH is being put into the uncomfortable position of answering what I've had done with it.

 

How do I handle this politely? I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like the pieces aren't important.

[Samm]

Somehow just convey that you haven't sold it or consigned it (it's being lovingly preserved together and intact) but that if she needs it back for any reason whatsoever, you will back as a whole group no questions asked.   She may just be concerned that anything got sold

.

[MEmama]

Have you thought about displaying the pieces? Maybe a shadowbox, alongside any extended family photos or portraits?

Oh no, it's so ugly I could never stand to display it my home! Lol

 

She wants me to wear it. I think a display would make her upset.

[Elizabeth86]

Do you have a daughter. Maybe you could be saving it for her?

[MEmama]

Somehow just convey that you haven't sold it or consigned it (it's being lovingly preserved together and intact) but that if she needs it back for any reason whatsoever, you will back as a whole group no questions asked. She may just be concerned that anything got sold

.

She wouldn't worry I would sell it. Although it does make me cringe whenever I do a purge and remember I'm forced to hold onto it. Lol

[MEmama]

Do you have a daughter. Maybe you could be saving it for her?

Nope. Just a minimalist son. :)

[Bootsie]

I was recently watching the old Dick Van Dyke show and this was the plot of one episode.  Laura accidentally put a family heirloom down the garbage disposal after her MIL gave it to her.  She did her best to get it "repaired" but MIL noticed--at which point MIL said, "I never liked the piece either--didn't you notice I always wore a scarf or a jacket over it?"  Is wearing it sometime to a special family event (but covering it up) a possibility at all?

[mlktwins]

I totally get where you are coming from, but is it possible you can wear a "tolerable" piece if you go to see her or if she comes to see you and you aren't going anyplace (like out for dinner)?  It might make her very happy to see a piece every now and then.

[plansrme]

Is there really not one single item that could be refashioned or repurposed into something you would wear? A pin for a coat, a bracelet, a hair clip? Maybe if you could Google or search Pinterest for some ideas for one or two pieces, she would be satisfied.

[itsheresomewhere]

“It is just too special to me to wear.â€

 

Perhaps a nice shadow box frame to store the jewelry in. You could take it out to display when she comes over. I understand exactly what you mean on this. Some of my family’s jewelry is just wow. Not something most of us would wear.

[marbel]

Nope. Just a minimalist son. :)

 

You are saving it for your future daughter-in-law.  

 

Honestly, if it was getting to be a problem with her asking, I would have my husband tell his mother that while you appreciate the jewelry and what it means to her, it is not the kind of thing you are going to wear. but that you will keep it for future generations. Sorry Mom, but please stop asking her about it.  

 

My MIL used to give me the ugliest clothing.  One year she just went over the top and gave me a multi-colored, horizontal-striped, bomber jacket.  I am an overweight apple shape, and I hate "loud" clothing.  Plus, bomber jacket on me makes me look like a fullback.  He finally told her that the clothing she was choosing for me did not suit. She said something like "well, she needs a little livening up!" I don't know his reply to that.  Anyway, she didn't stop buying clothing, but she changed to calmer colors, no stripes, and styles more suitable to my shape. I still don't like them, but they are not completely laughable anymore. 

 

One of the best things my mom ever did for me was make it clear that while some of her things were beloved to her, she didn't expect us to keep them forever if they weren't things we liked or could use.  End of story.  

[DesertBlossom]

Why did she give it to you if she's not dead yet? If she wants someone to be wearing it now, she should have kept it longer.

[maize]

This is what I was thinking too.

 

Are here any stones that could be reset at all?

 

Do you have any pics to share? Maybe we could help you come up with some ideas if we can see what it looks like.

I agree. If there is anything at all that you could find a way to use...

 

Think of the money invested as a gift to your MIL/an investment in the family relationship.

 

It's about the person, not the jewelry.

Edited February 18, 2018 by maize

[Sandwalker]

I agree. If there is anything at all that you could find a way to use...

 

Think of the money invested as a gift to your MIL/an investment in the family relationship.

 

It's about the person, not the jewelry.

A brooch that would be gaudy is pretty as an addition to a dressy bag. Or put on a long chain and worn as a necklace.

 

If there are large stones, earrings or a necklace made with just one big stone could work.

[Catwoman]

Oh no, it's so ugly I could never stand to display it my home! Lol

 

She wants me to wear it. I think a display would make her upset.

 

Pictures! We need PICTURES!!!

[mlktwins]

 

 

One of the best things my mom ever did for me was make it clear that while some of her things were beloved to her, she didn't expect us to keep them forever if they weren't things we liked or could use.  End of story.  

 

I am going through some of my mom's stuff now!  She never told me this, but I know she wouldn't want me to keep everything.

 

I have told my DH and boys (they are 12) that if something happens to me, that they shouldn't feel guilty not keeping all my stuff.  As I am storing some stuff, I am putting a note in it for them not to feel guilty and to get rid of it (these are the few things I can't part with, but don't really want to keep).  I would be sad if they dumped all the pictures I have taken of them, but that will be up to them.  They know that is what I would save in a fire :-)!!!

[foxbridgeacademy]

Tell her you don't want to resize it and possibly ruin it for your own future daughter in law

 

[wonderchica]

No stones that could be reset into a simple pendant?

[Catwoman]

If your MIL is asking your dh what you did with the jewelry, can’t he just tell her you save it to wear for special occasions?

 

Do you see her often? If not, I would make a point of wearing a different piece of her jewelry every time you see her, and be sure to tell her how many compliments you get on it.

 

It was so kind of her to give you things that meant a lot to her, so even if you hate the stuff, I think you should try to wear it when you’re going to be with her.

 

Obviously, if she lives two doors down from you and you see her three times a week, my idea won’t work. ;)

[Rachel]

Is it gold? I’m guessing outright selling it is out of the question. Could you melt it and have it turned into a pretty ring or earrings without hurting her feelings?

 

I’m just not that attached to my stuff and hope that if my kids don’t want it, they don’t feel obligated to keep it.

[Catwoman]

You'll have to set your boundaries, she doesn't get to pick what you wear.

 

I haven't been given anything personally of MILs but I've received a few costume jewelry items when she has done a group order. I donate them to the library fund raisers. Someone else of that age group will enjoy them far more than I will. When mil asks, I just say that my mother gave me plenty of jewelry and it would not honor her memory to leave it in the drawer. If pressed, I remind that my husband is my jewelry supplier these days and start talking about what each piece means and where it came from....that's usually enough to shut the convo down.

It’s not really a matter of her MIL getting to pick what jewelry MEmama wears. I don’t see this as a boundary issue as much as a curiosity issue.

 

I’m sure MEmama did what we all do when we receive a gift that we know was important to the gift giver... she probably thanked her MIL for the beautiful jewelry. So it makes sense that MIL is wondering if MEmama is wearing and enjoying her gifts. And MIL isn’t pressuring MEmama directly; she’s asking her son about it. I can understand why she might do that.

 

I don’t think it’s a big deal to wear a few pieces of ugly jewelry every now and then, just to make MIL happy (assuming MIL is basically a decent person.) Let’s face it, MIL must think pretty highly of MEmama if she gave her the jewelry, so unless MIL is constantly doing other things to try to control MEmama’s life, this doesn’t raise any red flags for me.

[KungFuPanda]

Pictures! We need PICTURES!!!

Definitely. How bad can it be that you can’t find ONE piece to wear to a family event to humor her? If it’s real jewelry, there’s likely a way to make something work.

[Garga]

I want to see pictures, too.

[Elizabeth86]

Definitely. How bad can it be that you can’t find ONE piece to wear to a family event to humor her? If it’s real jewelry, there’s likely a way to make something work.

I agree! However if the op is anything like me, I understand. Anything besides a basic wedding band is too much. :lol: I loathe jewelry.

[MEmama]

Thanks for all the great ideas! I think I'm just going to have to take a deep breath and tell her I'll keep it safe for future generations. It won't satisfy her (the pressure is mounting) but I honestly have no opportunity to wear it when she visits and there simply are no special occasions for me to wear tacky, oversized jewelry. She knows it, it's a passive aggressive control issue more than anything.

 

There is only one niece and she's four, so suggesting the rest goes to her isn't exactly viable. Lol. But she will like the idea that it will be passed on eventually, despite my obvious failings as a non jewelry wearer . :)

[marbel]

Thanks for all the great ideas! I think I'm just going to have to take a deep breath and tell her I'll keep it safe for future generations. It won't satisfy her (the pressure is mounting) but I honestly have no opportunity to wear it when she visits and there simply are no special occasions for me to wear tacky, oversized jewelry. She knows it, it's a passive aggressive control issue more than anything.

 

There is only one niece and she's four, so suggesting the rest goes to her isn't exactly viable. Lol. But she will like the idea that it will be passed on eventually, despite my obvious failings as a non jewelry wearer . :)

 

In this case, I really encourage you to have your husband talk to his mother about it and get her to back off.  She shouldn't be badgering you and you shouldn't have to deal with this.  They are his family "heirlooms" after all, not yours.

[Catwoman]

Thanks for all the great ideas! I think I'm just going to have to take a deep breath and tell her I'll keep it safe for future generations. It won't satisfy her (the pressure is mounting) but I honestly have no opportunity to wear it when she visits and there simply are no special occasions for me to wear tacky, oversized jewelry. She knows it, it's a passive aggressive control issue more than anything.

 

There is only one niece and she's four, so suggesting the rest goes to her isn't exactly viable. Lol. But she will like the idea that it will be passed on eventually, despite my obvious failings as a non jewelry wearer . :)

If she is truly upset or hurt about you not wearing the jewelry despite knowing that you have nowhere to wear it, I would suggest that you offer to return the jewelry to her so she can either give it to someone else or sell it. If she says she still wants you to have it, she will know that you will keep it as a family heirloom and pass it down to the next generation, but that she shouldn’t expect to see you wearing any of it on a regular basis.

[MEmama]

In this case, I really encourage you to have your husband talk to his mother about it and get her to back off. She shouldn't be badgering you and you shouldn't have to deal with this. They are his family "heirlooms" after all, not yours.

Excellent point. Thank you.

[MEmama]

If she is truly upset or hurt about you not wearing the jewelry despite knowing that you have nowhere to wear it, I would suggest that you offer to return the jewelry to her so she can either give it to someone else or sell it. If she says she still wants you to have it, she will know that you will keep it as a family heirloom and pass it down to the next generation, but that she shouldn’t expect to see you wearing any of it on a regular basis.

I like this. Honesty has never really worked with her before but I'll keep trying. These are excellent talking points.

[KungFuPanda]

Get you son to wear EVERY piece to a family dinner. Make him a felt vest to hold it all. 😬

[Sandwalker]

Get you son to wear EVERY piece to a family dinner. Make him a felt vest to hold it all. 😬

[emoji38]

[SparklyUnicorn]

That's a tough one.  I would feel exactly the same. In fact, my MIL gave me an old gold watch.  It is absolutely NOT something I want to wear.  Luckily she would not know I never wear it since she lives in another country.

 

I like KungFuPanda's idea.  LOL 

[Zebra]

If it is a passive aggressive control issue, then it has nothing to do with the actual jewelry, KWIM?

It's like the book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.    If you wear the jewelry once, she'll want you to wear it twice.   And if you give the jewelry back, she will sigh and make sure to bring that up every time she sees you.

 

I guess I would just stop feeling guilty.   And if she ever directly asks you, "Why don't you wear the jewelry I gave you?" I would just take a deep breath and calmly tell her, "I appreciate how much this jewelry means to you, and I am keeping it in a safe place to pass on to my future DIL.   It's just not really my style to wear though.   I'm happy to return it to you, so you can keep it for my future DIL if that would make you more comfortable."   

 

It's not easy, even with sane in-laws.   I am guessing, since I don't have any  :lol: !

 

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm always a little confused when our MILs don't understand stuff like this.  Meaning, I am well aware that perhaps my future DILs won't have the same tastes in clothing or jewelry as me.  I would assume they don't really and not take that personally.  If I wanted to pass on some heirloom(s), I'd not put requirements on it.  And heck, to be honest, I'm not sure I'd pass on such a thing at all due to the fact maybe the person really would not want it.  My MIL has either forcefully given us stuff we did not want (we said we did not want it) or gone on and on about the stuff that we should take it (which frankly mostly comes down to her not wanting to deal with getting rid of it). 

[marbel]

I'm always a little confused when our MILs don't understand stuff like this.  Meaning, I am well aware that perhaps my future DILs won't have the same tastes in clothing or jewelry as me.  I would assume they don't really and not take that personally.  If I wanted to pass on some heirloom(s), I'd not put requirements on it.  And heck, to be honest, I'm not sure I'd pass on such a thing at all due to the fact maybe the person really would not want it.  My MIL has either forcefully given us stuff we did not want (we said we did not want it) or gone on and on about the stuff that we should take it (which frankly mostly comes down to her not wanting to deal with getting rid of it). 

 

I've talked to my daughter about this a bit.  (Not my son, he's oblivious about such things and wouldn't care to have the conversation.)   I pretty much live with the assumption that no one wants my old stuff.  She has told me not to worry about leaving a bunch of unwanted crap when I die because she will feel no compulsion to keep it.  I'm not sure I believe her... keep reading.

 

I do have a few nice antiques from my parents.  I treasure those pieces of furniture.  However, I had more before we moved, and had to give some of them up. It was hard, and sad, but, ya know, life works out that way. So she has seen me get rid of stuff my parents considered heirlooms.

 

Anyway, about my few antiques I still have. One is a dresser that my daughter uses but it doesn't suit her anymore. I said "let's get rid of it." She started fussing about how Grammy gave it to me, and it's pretty, and an antique... so I said to take some photos of it, and we'll see if we can find someone who will take it and love it.  That's helping, though she hasn't done it yet.

 

As far as the other things, I've told her that they were much-loved by my parents and me, but - if when I'm dead she and her brother (and as-yet-hypothetical sister-in-law) don't want them, she should get rid of them in whatever way works best. She could ask her cousins if one of them wants the pieces, but only if there is a reasonable way to get them moved (because no one lives nearby and probably never will).  She could give them away to someone she knows, so she feels they will be loved and cared for.  Or, she could put them out on the curb with a "free" sign on them.  That was my order of preference, anyway.  :-)

 

I think it's important not to burden our kids with unwanted stuff.  My MIL has tried hard to burden us. We still have a dining room set (just table and chairs) that we can't use (no space) but have hauled around for 20+ years because it's so dang important for us to have it. Why that is I don't know.  But it's my husband's heirloom, so I keep my mouth shut.   I make no promises for it if he dies before me... unless we move into a house with room to use it.  :-)

Edited February 19, 2018 by marbel

[MEmama]

If it is a passive aggressive control issue, then it has nothing to do with the actual jewelry, KWIM?

It's like the book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. If you wear the jewelry once, she'll want you to wear it twice. And if you give the jewelry back, she will sigh and make sure to bring that up every time she sees you.

 

I guess I would just stop feeling guilty. And if she ever directly asks you, "Why don't you wear the jewelry I gave you?" I would just take a deep breath and calmly tell her, "I appreciate how much this jewelry means to you, and I am keeping it in a safe place to pass on to my future DIL. It's just not really my style to wear though. I'm happy to return it to you, so you can keep it for my future DIL if that would make you more comfortable."

 

It's not easy, even with sane in-laws. I am guessing, since I don't have any :lol: !

You nailed it. It is EXACTLY like that! At least now during the inevitable conversations I can think of the analogy and giggle a bit to myself. :)

[SparklyUnicorn]

I will say there is one thoughtful thing my MIL did do in this department.  She is big into art and has a lot of art.  So she asked me if there was any picture she had that I liked and wanted to have.  And there was one.  So she gave it to me. 

[MEmama]

I'm always a little confused when our MILs don't understand stuff like this. Meaning, I am well aware that perhaps my future DILs won't have the same tastes in clothing or jewelry as me. I would assume they don't really and not take that personally. If I wanted to pass on some heirloom(s), I'd not put requirements on it. And heck, to be honest, I'm not sure I'd pass on such a thing at all due to the fact maybe the person really would not want it. My MIL has either forcefully given us stuff we did not want (we said we did not want it) or gone on and on about the stuff that we should take it (which frankly mostly comes down to her not wanting to deal with getting rid of it).

I don't understand it either. She has a kind of Depression era mentality about old stuff--that the next generation must need it and we must hold on to all old things just because...which I could kind of understand except she's not a product of that generation or of anything like what they endured.

 

It wouldn't occur to me to assume I'll even have a DIL someday, nevermind that she would have the same taste (and for that matter that my current taste wouldn't be hopelessly out of date by then).

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't understand it either. She has a kind of Depression era mentality about old stuff--that the next generation must need it and we must hold on to all old things just because...which I could kind of understand except she's not a product of that generation or of anything like what they endured.

 

It wouldn't occur to me to assume I'll even have a DIL someday, nevermind that she would have the same taste (and for that matter that my current taste wouldn't be hopelessly out of date by then).

 

My MIL has that same thinking as well.  She holds onto literally everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  She recently mailed us a huge box of Smurf figures with a Smurf play set.  Um..  Nobody here is interested.  You can't tell her no though. 

 

After my first was born she mailed us a box with all of her children's baby clothes.  These were clothing worn by her first who was born in 1969 and passed onto his brother.  There were things like corduroy bell bottoms with heart shaped patches sewn onto the knees.  I threw all of it out.  But again, you can't tell her no and she's like a freaking hoarder. 

 

Well yeah...I don't assume anything in that department truth be told.  My kids will have their own lives and choices and whatever. 

[Zebra]

You nailed it. It is EXACTLY like that! At least now during the inevitable conversations I can think of the analogy and giggle a bit to myself. :)

 

It's definitely become my personal mantra when dealing with certain people.

 

I am being dead serious when I say,  it is one of the best relationship advice books out there  :lol: .

[Zebra]

My MIL has that same thinking as well.  She holds onto literally everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  She recently mailed us a huge box of Smurf figures with a Smurf play set.  Um..  Nobody here is interested.  You can't tell her no though. 

 

After my first was born she mailed us a box with all of her children's baby clothes.  These were clothing worn by her first who was born in 1969 and passed onto his brother.  There were things like corduroy bell bottoms with heart shaped patches sewn onto the knees.  I threw all of it out.  But again, you can't tell her no and she's like a freaking hoarder. 

 

Well yeah...I don't assume anything in that department truth be told.  My kids will have their own lives and choices and whatever. 

 

When you give away something, you give away the right to decide what happens to it IMHO.

 

If it's that meaningful to you, you really should keep it.   

[SparklyUnicorn]

When you give away something, you give away the right to decide what happens to it IMHO.

 

If it's that meaningful to you, you really should keep it.   

 

exactly 

[Kiara.I]

If she wants it worn, why isn't she wearing it herself.

 

If it's passive-aggressive, then meeting it that way might be best.  In other words, forget polite.  Opt for blunt. "It's not something I'll ever wear.  Ever.  If you want it worn, here you go.  It's yours."  "Oh, no, you keep it, it's so important."  "I've said no."

[J-rap]

This whole conversation reminds me of a Dick Van Dyke episode we watched recently:   :)

 

("The Curse of the Petrie People")

 

 

 

 

[Murphy101]

I still want pictures. There’s got to be something purposeful for it!

[Scarlett]

I'm always a little confused when our MILs don't understand stuff like this.  Meaning, I am well aware that perhaps my future DILs won't have the same tastes in clothing or jewelry as me.  I would assume they don't really and not take that personally.  If I wanted to pass on some heirloom(s), I'd not put requirements on it.  And heck, to be honest, I'm not sure I'd pass on such a thing at all due to the fact maybe the person really would not want it.  My MIL has either forcefully given us stuff we did not want (we said we did not want it) or gone on and on about the stuff that we should take it (which frankly mostly comes down to her not wanting to deal with getting rid of it). 

 

 

Our MILs didn't have WTM boards to guide them. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Since you said "reset", I'm assuming that these pieces involve semiprecious or precious stones?  If you are interested, you could ask your dh to take the stones (and it doesn't have to be all of them) from a piece or two to make into jewelry for you for Christmas or a birthday.  But only if you are interested.