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school17777
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The kids have off school tomorrow. Early in the week at storytime with the little girl I watch, a mom was talking about her trip to the aquarium that weekend. That gave me the idea to check to see if dh could get passes for me for tomorrow. The passes were available, so I asked youngest dd who she’d like to invite to join us (I had three extra). So, I asked the mom if she and her daughters wanted to join us on Friday. She said yes and asked to ride together. I offered to drive since I will also have the little girl I watch on Fridays. We have to go to dh’s office to pick up and then drop off the passes. She was fine with that.

 

Just a got a text that she wants to just meet us down there because she’s now meeting up with someone after we leave the aquarium. Dd is disappointed to not have company on the drive. Me too! One of the reasons to invite someone else to join us was for the company for the ride, in addition to the Aquarium. Now I’m going to be wondering if she’s going to want to rush through to go onto her other activity.

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That's a bummer!

 

I usually don't agree to ride with other people because ... um, control issues LOL ... but I have mentioned that I have "to meet someone after" and much of the time it's very boring but a "while I'm on this side of town" kind of thing. Think: meeting with the tax guy, lunch with that cousin I always put off because we're never on this side of town, itty lie but stopping at the used bookstores that I rarely make it to because they're on this side of town ... 

 

I'm sure she and her daughter are looking forward to your field trip together :) it seems like she'd feel comfortable canceling if she truly were more focused on her other plans. I hope you guys enjoy the aquarium! 

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That's a bummer!

 

I usually don't agree to ride with other people because ... um, control issues LOL ... but I have mentioned that I have "to meet someone after" and much of the time it's very boring but a "while I'm on this side of town" kind of thing. Think: meeting with the tax guy, lunch with that cousin I always put off because we're never on this side of town, itty lie but stopping at the used bookstores that I rarely make it to because they're on this side of town ...

 

I'm sure she and her daughter are looking forward to your field trip together :) it seems like she'd feel comfortable canceling if she truly were more focused on her other plans. I hope you guys enjoy the aquarium!

If you didn’t feel comfortable riding with someone else, would you offer to drive instead? We have a 3 hour round trip drive without traffic (normally would be two, but longer because of picking up and dropping off passes).

 

In the 17 years we have had the benefit of borrowing my dh’s companies passes to various places in the city, we have always ridden together with whoever we invited. It is so much easier to get the passes with another adult. In fact, if dh was in his downtown office tomorrow, I would cancel altogether because it would be very inconvenient to get the passes by myself (I would have to park and pay in two or three (depending on how I got the tickets back to him) different parking garages in the city). I will tomorrow too, but I won’t have to pay for the garage at dh’s office in the suburb.

 

Next time I offer free passes to someone to join us, I am making it clear in the invitation that it is on the condition that we ride together! (I don’t care who drives).

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I would be disappointed, too. I live in a tiny town and all the good stuff is at minimum an hour away (like the aquarium) and it’s such a long slog driving there and back. Especially the ride home when you’re tired, but still have to be focused on the traffic. A passenger who will help keep you awake is so helpful. I would certainly be disappointed at the lost time with friends and would wonder if they’d have to cut out early.

 

But the aquarium that I think you’re going to is awesome (it’s one of the top 10 in the US), so even if the friends leave, you’re all pretty much guaranteed a great time. Don’t let them rush you through.

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If you didn’t feel comfortable riding with someone else, would you offer to drive instead? We have a 3 hour round trip drive without traffic (normally would be two, but longer because of picking up and dropping off passes).

 

In the 17 years we have had the benefit of borrowing my dh’s companies passes to various places in the city, we have always ridden together with whoever we invited. It is so much easier to get the passes with another adult. In fact, if dh was in his downtown office tomorrow, I would cancel altogether because it would be very inconvenient to get the passes by myself (I would have to park and pay in two or three (depending on how I got the tickets back to him) different parking garages in the city). I will tomorrow too, but I won’t have to pay for the garage at dh’s office in the suburb.

 

Next time I offer free passes to someone to join us, I am making it clear in the invitation that it is on the condition that we ride together! (I don’t care who drives).

 

Why "feelings hurt" and not simply "it's not as fun or convenient" if you drive separately? You aren't taking this as a personal snub, are you? It's a very nice offer, and I'm sure that she is very happy to have the opportunity to do this activity with you. Sorry it didn't work out exactly how you were expecting and hoping. Hope you have a good time, though. 

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I would also be disappointed. Even though I'd know theoretically that people have many friends and that the day wasn't all about us, I'd feel like "oh, you have someone else as well?" 

 

I know you'll get over it and that as an adult you have perspective but until the dust settles...  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Why "feelings hurt" and not simply "it's not as fun or convenient" if you drive separately? You aren't taking this as a personal snub, are you? It's a very nice offer, and I'm sure that she is very happy to have the opportunity to do this activity with you. Sorry it didn't work out exactly how you were expecting and hoping. Hope you have a good time, though.

Yes, I guess I am taking it as a personal snub. I hope I can get over before we meet up.

 

And now a wrench thrown in just now - ds came back for the weekend. He mentioned a few days ago that he might come home this weekend, but didn’t say for sure nor that he would be home tonight. He wants to go with us. And I already offered her the 3rd ticket that I thought I’d need for the little girl that I’ll have with me, but she’s free so I offered it for her other dd. There’s one ticket left, but dh wasn’t able to reserve it. He can ask in person for it, but he doesn’t know if he can get it or not. I’ll just wait to leave after he checks. Hoping they let him use it if no one else is.

 

Eta: I can buy extra tickets at a discount, so I can get another ticket for $20, if dh can’t get another pass for me. I’ll bring ds with us then. I guess it works out that she’s driving separately because ds probably wouldn’t have wanted to go if they were going with us. Dd was asking when she’d see her brother.

Edited by school17777
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I would try not to take it personally. If it were me, I would not ride with you and I would prefer you didn't ride with me. Nothing personal -- I just don't like to be at someone else's mercy. It's just my thing. If you invited me and then told me we had to ride together or no tickets, I would probably say no. I do take other people's kids in my car, but not usually the mom's too.

 

It would bother me a bit about making plans after, but if it is an hour or so drive each way, maybe I wouldn't be as upset. As long as I didn't feel she was rushing with me to get to the rest of her day.

 

What I don't like is when a mom invites me and the boys somewhere so our boys can play together (like bowling) and they show up with another boy or two that her boys are already great friends with and her nous totally ignore my boys. That won't happen again. I might not have gone if I knew she was bringing the other boys.

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I'm sure it's nothing personal, after all, she wants to spend time together at the aquarium. If she has other things she needs to do, she needs her own transportation.

 

Carpooling is just not something that I personally do for long trips. No matter how much I care about someone, making small talk for that length of time is exhausting--and that's about me, not the other person. Unless I'm with family, I can't just relax enough to be myself and be fresh and fun for the main event. 

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I would think of this as cautionary to the next invitation.

If I wanted someone to drive with, I'd phrase it as, "I'm heading to the A. on Friday and have some extra tickets.  Would you and YY like to join us for the trip?"

 

When I went back to work fulltime and had to reduce the amount of 'carschooling' we did, I used to order 4 tickets to field trips, routinely, and offer to take two other kids along with DD and I.  I would ask the parents to send along money for lunch, and I would not commit to a specific return time, but if it got late I would pay for dinner.  I was really clear about all this upfront.  There were other parents who thought this was fine and great, and others who hated not having a return time so much that they wouldn't send their children.  Well, *I* hated being tied down to a specific return time too much to accommodate them, so we agreed to disagree and saw each other at other times instead.

 

I was disconcerted once when a mother announced that she and her son would take my two extra tickets and the ride.  I really wasn't looking for adult company at all, but rather to pull 3 kids together for nice trip to a science museum program 90 minutes away.  But it turned out to be fun.

 

The point being that there are a lot of ways to have fun on a field trip, and you kind of have to steer them your way if you're hosting and if it's important to you.

 

I think that the way this went down would have hurt my feelings a bit, too, but in general I don't expect to drive together with other adults in the same car, and also I tend to value having openended commitments.

Edited by Carol in Cal.
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I'm sure it's nothing personal, after all, she wants to spend time together at the aquarium. If she has other things she needs to do, she needs her own transportation.

 

Carpooling is just not something that I personally do for long trips. No matter how much I care about someone, making small talk for that length of time is exhausting--and that's about me, not the other person. Unless I'm with family, I can't just relax enough to be myself and be fresh and fun for the main event. 

 

Yes, this is totally me!  I am an introvert that loves some social time, but get over-stimulated after being around too many people for too long (i.e. an aquarium).  The ride home would be my decompression time.  I'm fine with my boys and family (or even another kid), but to have to entertain another adult in my van for an hour or more, not so good for me.  Even a friend I really love!

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I understand feeling disappointed if you were looking forward to the drive time to visit with your friend. I would be disappointed too. But the idea that accepting the offer of free passes creates a social obligation to drive with you is unreasonable. It makes perfect sense, especially since it's a longer drive, that if she has something else she's been wanting to do on that end of town she'd drive separately and combine the trips.

 

:iagree: This is what I was thinking too. 

Edited by Word Nerd
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I wouldn't be hurt at this if you didn't discuss plans with her for after the aquarium. It probably wouldn't occur to me that the other person was relying on me to ride with them - of course, if I were the one who offered to drive, I would absolutely stick to that. 

 

Try not to worry about her rushing through. She isn't likely to do so, but there's nothing you can do about it if she does. You absolutely do not need to rush with her, though! 

 

If it's difficult to get the passes without another adult, mention this up front: We'll have to plan on riding together, because yada yada yada. 

 

If you want to spend time together after the aquarium, mention that up front: Do you want to join us for the day? We'll be going to the aquarium, I can get you free tickets, and then out to lunch at XYZ or somewhere similar. 

 

Just decide ahead of time what you will say if they want to do only one part of the day. It's perfectly fine to say, I'm sorry, dd really wants to have a friend along for the entire day. Maybe next time! 

 

Regarding lunch and other activities: I always like it when people give me an idea of the type of place they are wanting to go to for lunch. Particularly when my kids were younger, the places some people went to routinely were way out of my budget! 

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Another introvert here. I breathe a sigh of relief when someone breaks off a previous plan we had made to carpool. I only agree to carpool in the first place because it will save gas. 

 

I usually tell my own kids "It's quiet time now" about half an hour into a trip (10 min if it's the way back from a place). 

 

I'm astonished that so many people's feelings would be hurt because I decline to carpool with them :/ Please don't feel bad. 

 

 

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Another introvert here. I breathe a sigh of relief when someone breaks off a previous plan we had made to carpool. I only agree to carpool in the first place because it will save gas. 

 

I usually tell my own kids "It's quiet time now" about half an hour into a trip (10 min if it's the way back from a place). 

 

I'm astonished that so many people's feelings would be hurt because I decline to carpool with them :/ Please don't feel bad. 

 

I reluctantly agreed to carpool with someone last weekend. It turned out fine and I had fun, but my first reaction when she asked was to say nope. 

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It worked out well today. She explained that her niece had a baby in January and she found out that the niece would be around for her to visit with the girls on the way home.

 

I am surprised that so many of you would want to drive separately on such a long drive. Seems silly to drive separately and pay for gas and parking for two cars coming from the same area.

 

I guess my future invites will only be to friends who I know won’t mind riding together. I’m too nervous now hearing about people’s preferences to not drive/ride with others to invite new people that I don’t know that well. I will take the suggestions make sure that I am clear about that in the invitation as both dd and I enjoy the company on the drive and it makes the logistics of getting the tickets easier with another adult present.

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I've been going in circles trying to figure out how to say this nicely, and I'm afraid it's not going to work. So know I mean it in a supportive way even though I'm going to be blunt.

 

I understand feeling disappointed if you were looking forward to the drive time to visit with your friend. I would be disappointed too. But the idea that accepting the offer of free passes creates a social obligation to drive with you is unreasonable. It makes perfect sense, especially since it's a longer drive, that if she has something else she's been wanting to do on that end of town she'd drive separately and combine the trips.

 

We almost never visit other people when we travel to visit my husband's mother because she gets upset if every minute of the trip isn't hers. If we want to see dear friends, who we see maybe every four years and who live right on the way to her house, we can't tell her we're doing it or it will ruin the whole visit for her. Don't be like that. Don't ruin your own pleasure in the time with your friends by nurturing this attitude.

Depending on where I have to pick up the tickets, I might have to have another adult with me to make it happen. Today, it wasn’t necessary, but that might not be the case next time.

 

I will be clear in the future when inviting that I need their help in getting the tickets and if they don’t feel comfortable enough to ride with me or do the driving for both of us, then they can tell me so, so I can invite someone else.

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I agree with Tangetine. Never in a million years would it occur to me that that what she did would hurt anyone's feelings. I see it all pragmatically.

 

I am so glad it worked out for you. I think your idea about being clear is excellent. We are all so different and most of the time don't intend to hurt others.

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If you didn’t feel comfortable riding with someone else, would you offer to drive instead? We have a 3 hour round trip drive without traffic (normally would be two, but longer because of picking up and dropping off passes).

 

In the 17 years we have had the benefit of borrowing my dh’s companies passes to various places in the city, we have always ridden together with whoever we invited. It is so much easier to get the passes with another adult. In fact, if dh was in his downtown office tomorrow, I would cancel altogether because it would be very inconvenient to get the passes by myself (I would have to park and pay in two or three (depending on how I got the tickets back to him) different parking garages in the city). I will tomorrow too, but I won’t have to pay for the garage at dh’s office in the suburb.

 

Next time I offer free passes to someone to join us, I am making it clear in the invitation that it is on the condition that we ride together! (I don’t care who drives).

 

Gosh, no, that makes me even more uncomfortable. I'm an awful driver LOL. I always offer the use of my car, if the other person wants to carpool and do the driving. I'd rather you drive my car, then me drive you in it. (Lots of issues over here!!) About half of the people take me up on it! I especially hate driving unfamiliar places. Downtown parking about kills me. I don't need the audience  :lol: .

 

Sometimes convenience trumps my "issues" though, and something like what you describe (3 hours RT) would definitely be the time for that. Maybe she's doing a cleanse and has gas. Maybe she's binge-listening to Fifty Shades before she goes to see the newest release. Maybe she's just weird. I am. I always think I can shelf it for the required amount of time (say, field trip + carpool) but the closer it gets to the event, the more nervous I get about really being able to behave like a normal person. 

 

Your husband's benefit is a pretty sweet deal. I'm envious! ... almost envious enough to ride with you if we lived in the same town! (We can take my car, of course!)  :thumbup:

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Threads like this make me worried that I am constantly offending people, because it would never cross my mind that I couldn't make plans after a scheduled activity for fear of hurting someone's feelings. Or drive myself because of those plans.

She changed the plans we already had in place for several days about 12 hours before we were supposed to meet up. That's why I was hurt.

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She changed the plans we already had in place for several days about 12 hours before we were supposed to meet up. That's why I was hurt.

 

I think feeling disappointed that the day didn't work out as you planned it is absolutely understandable.  I've been there!  

 

What I'm picking up on in that word, "hurt," is that you had a deeper expectation of this outing... That it's more than just the practical issues (because practical issue disappointments tend to make us feel annoyed, not hurt). Perhaps you viewed the ride as offering the opportunity to develop a closer friendship... something you really need right now?  That kind of expectation, when someone changes plans, does *feel* hurtful.  It's just that hurt is all on our side, coming from a truly legitimate place.   

 

I hope I'm not reading into things too much, and if I am, just ignore me.  

 

I've been there, trying really hard to reach out... Keep trying.  :)

 

Doodlebug

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Depending on where I have to pick up the tickets, I might have to have another adult with me to make it happen. Today, it wasn’t necessary, but that might not be the case next time.

 

I will be clear in the future when inviting that I need their help in getting the tickets and if they don’t feel comfortable enough to ride with me or do the driving for both of us, then they can tell me so, so I can invite someone else.

I probably don’t understand something, but why on earth would you need to have another adult with you to get tickets? Why do you put these obligations on people?

 

This is why I’m a bit of a hermit. I simply don’t understand why feelings get hurt over, for instance, whether or not someone carpools. I probably inadvertently hurt people’s feelings all the time.

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Gosh, no, that makes me even more uncomfortable. I'm an awful driver LOL. I always offer the use of my car, if the other person wants to carpool and do the driving. I'd rather you drive my car, then me drive you in it. (Lots of issues over here!!) About half of the people take me up on it! I especially hate driving unfamiliar places. Downtown parking about kills me. I don't need the audience  :lol: .

 

LOL you and I would never be able to get together.  I hate driving another person's car.   It makes me so nervous I'll wreck it -  not just crash, but do something wrong and mess it up.  I've been driving for 40+ years, my only accident was a rear-ender (I was the one rear-ended) and once I bashed up my bumper by hitting a low fence, but if someone asks me to drive their car I am all "aak, no, I'll wreck it!"  

 

On the other hand, I'm almost always happy to drive my car, so maybe we could be friends after all.  :-)

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I probably don’t understand something, but why on earth would you need to have another adult with you to get tickets? Why do you put these obligations on people?

 

This is why I’m a bit of a hermit. I simply don’t understand why feelings get hurt over, for instance, whether or not someone carpools. I probably inadvertently hurt people’s feelings all the time.

 

After reading this thread I'm realizing I probably hurt people's feelings too, though I completely don't mean to. When you're an introvert, though, it's just exhausting to have that much interaction all in one shot. I can do it with family and close friends, but that's about it, and even then I'm ready to retreat to my room with a book when it's all over. 

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Depending on where I have to pick up the tickets, I might have to have another adult with me to make it happen. Today, it wasn’t necessary, but that might not be the case next time.

 

I will be clear in the future when inviting that I need their help in getting the tickets and if they don’t feel comfortable enough to ride with me or do the driving for both of us, then they can tell me so, so I can invite someone else.

 

So how do you get the tickets and avoid parking garages?  Do you run into the office building and have the other adult circle the block while you're gone?  That's what I'm picturing.  It's probably not really complicated but I think if someone invited me under those terms, I'd find it all very daunting and stressful. But I'm picturing doing that in downtown Philadelphia, and driving there is one of my visions of what hell must look like.   

 

:-)

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Ok. I find this kid of confusing.

 

First I do get why the OP feels let down. She had an expectation of the trip going a certain way and plans were changed at the last minute. This is frustrating. I totally get that.

 

However, not wanting to go on an outing with another family because they won’t ride with you? That’s what I don’t understand. If they won’t ride with you, you’d rather invite someone else. ?

 

I don’t ever ride with someone else because I rarely feel comfortable with them driving. Because my daughter has severe food allergies I like having my own car in case she were to need medical attention. And finally I have 6 kids and can’t fit into a car with any of my friends and their kids. There’s no room.

 

So, you would miss out on the experience of meeting me somewhere and spending time with me and my kids at the location because I won’t carpool? That’s what confuses me.

 

I typically meet up with friends at parks and museums all the time. Even ones that are a 45 min to an hour drive. It never occurred to me that it’s offensive not to ride together.

 

And goodness, after realizing this I am slightly worried that I offend and upset people.

 

Maybe I’m totally misinterpreting the post...

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She changed the plans we already had in place for several days about 12 hours before we were supposed to meet up. That's why I was hurt.

 

 

I'm on your side OP. 

 

Someone made plans with you and then changed them right before the trip happened, leaving you unable to make substitute plans with someone else.

 

It's rude. 

 

Edited to add: I don't consider the "I'll still meet you at the museum" as being worth much. It's still a significant change to the plans you agreed on together, announced to you via text, with no opportunity for input by you (e.g. "would you mind if I...?", with a chance for you to express that you were actually really wanted another adult in the car).

 

But I'm very hard-nosed about this type of stuff now, because, in my experience, this is a repetitive behavior on the part of some types of people. Maybe she isn't one of those types, and you try again, but I certainly would make note of it now & not be surprised if she does it again. 

Edited by Happy2BaMom
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LOL you and I would never be able to get together.  I hate driving another person's car.   It makes me so nervous I'll wreck it -  not just crash, but do something wrong and mess it up.  I've been driving for 40+ years, my only accident was a rear-ender (I was the one rear-ended) and once I bashed up my bumper by hitting a low fence, but if someone asks me to drive their car I am all "aak, no, I'll wreck it!"  

 

On the other hand, I'm almost always happy to drive my car, so maybe we could be friends after all.  :-)

 

In a situation like this, we'd ride in your car and I'd treat to the event or the lunch/dinner surrounding it  :001_tt1: ... you fly, I buy kind of thing. 

 

I honestly don't mind people driving my car but I'm surprised that about half of the time people will take me up on it. I don't even like driving my husband's car, or my kids' cars!! Murphy's Law being what it is, and being cursed with it and all ... I totally get what you're saying! LOL

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So how do you get the tickets and avoid parking garages? Do you run into the office building and have the other adult circle the block while you're gone? That's what I'm picturing. It's probably not really complicated but I think if someone invited me under those terms, I'd find it all very daunting and stressful. But I'm picturing doing that in downtown Philadelphia, and driving there is one of my visions of what hell must look like.

 

:-)

Yes, you are picturing it right, when he works in the downtown office! What we usually do is the passenger texts dh our arrival time and so he can run out and meet us. The passenger runs out and meets him and the driver pulls into the limo lane. The last time we did this, we hit the traffic light just right and dh was able to just run up to the car and hand me the tickets.

 

His office is a long walk to the attractions and the parking garage fills early, so by the time I’m getting down there, it is usually full. And, if I do have to park, it’s easier to run in and out without kids when dh doesn’t have the time to run out and meet us. The tickets have to be dropped off too because they have to be returned that day.

 

His normal location has its own campus and parking, but is half an hour away. Yesterday, he was able to come out to the car to drop off and pick up the tickets so I was able to park right by the door.

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