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gender disappointment (JAWM)


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#1 caedmyn

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:54 PM

So we found out yesterday baby #6 is another boy. #s2-5 are also boys. I've been telling myself the whole time that he was a boy and didn't let myself think about girly stuff but it didn't help with the disappointment. Aside from the disappointment, having another boy is just more problematic. All my boys have had tongue ties, my daughter didn't. I so didn't want to deal with a tongue tie again but I suppose there's no hope of him not having one. DH has insisted that our boys have names that start with one particular letter which I don't see the point of, and there are zero names left that I like that start with that letter, and really zero boy names left that I like at all, except one which I know he won't agree to as he's always made derogatory comments about it when I've suggested it before.

I don't even want to tell people it's a boy. I don't want to spend the next 5 months telling people, dealing with people asking if I'm disappointed, and dealing with whatever comments people make about it. But I don't see any way to avoid telling people as all my big kids know and I'm sure they won't/can't keep from telling. I really wish we hadn't found out. It would have been better to assume a boy and plan to send someone out to buy some cute girly stuff for me if by some miracle he'd turned out to be a girl.

#2 Catwoman

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:56 PM

I’m sorry you’re sad, Caedmyn. :grouphug:

#3 Arctic Mama

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:58 PM

That’s why I stopped finding out - I didn’t want to deal with any not-awesome feelings and the high of giving birth smooths a lot of those out. Well okay, except this last time.

I’m sorry you’re disappointed mama :(. It will go away, you know that. But you’re human and allowed to have those feelings. You’re also allowed to not share with anyone else and just say “a baby” when they ask “what are you having?”.
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#4 Catwoman

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:59 PM

So we found out yesterday baby #6 is another boy. #s2-5 are also boys. I've been telling myself the whole time that he was a boy and didn't let myself think about girly stuff but it didn't help with the disappointment. Aside from the disappointment, having another boy is just more problematic. All my boys have had tongue ties, my daughter didn't. I so didn't want to deal with a tongue tie again but I suppose there's no hope of him not having one. DH has insisted that our boys have names that start with one particular letter which I don't see the point of, and there are zero names left that I like that start with that letter, and really zero boy names left that I like at all, except one which I know he won't agree to as he's always made derogatory comments about it when I've suggested it before.

I don't even want to tell people it's a boy. I don't want to spend the next 5 months telling people, dealing with people asking if I'm disappointed, and dealing with whatever comments people make about it. But I don't see any way to avoid telling people as all my big kids know and I'm sure they won't/can't keep from telling. I really wish we hadn't found out. It would have been better to assume a boy and plan to send someone out to buy some cute girly stuff for me if by some miracle he'd turned out to be a girl.


Ok, wait.

You had to agree to your dh’s demand that all of the boys’ names had to start with the same letter, and after all of your kids got names he liked, he still won’t agree to the one name you prefer???

No.

Just NO.

Why don’t you have a say in this decision???
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#5 Rach

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:00 PM

It’s ok, I get it.

By the way, congratulations on the new addition!
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#6 arctic_bunny

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:13 PM

Congratulations on Baby! I’m sorry you’re feeling disappointed right now. ((Hugs))

#7 edelweiss

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:23 PM

I can understand your disappointment.  Big hugs! Sorry you are feeling sad.  



#8 Mama Geek

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:25 PM

Hugs and congrats on a new little one!



#9 Liz CA

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:28 PM

I think with baby # 6 you have earned the right to name him whatever you like!!!

 

Sorry, it's a disappointment at the moment. 


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#10 AK_Mom4

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:28 PM

Hugs Caedmyn! May you find this to be a peaceful and easy pregnancy and we will all coo over how beautiful your little baby is after the arrival!

Maybe this baby needs a nickname? Something you like?

Edited by AK_Mom4, 13 February 2018 - 09:29 PM.

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#11 Heatherwith4

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:34 PM

I’m sorry. I remember feeling that way for a while with my second baby. Hugs to you and congratulations on the baby.

#12 maize

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:34 PM

:grouphug:

It is OK to grieve over a disappointment; that is part of the process of moving forward.

You know you will love your baby, that is not what this is about. You are grieving the lost dream of having another little girl and that is a true loss.

And I'm definitely on Team Caedmyn Gets to Choose The Name!

If Dh can't handle not getting his preferred first initial maybe go with that for a first name but call the baby by his middle name--chosen by mom who after all did all the work of bringing him into the world!

Edited by maize, 13 February 2018 - 09:36 PM.

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#13 CES2005

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:35 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:



#14 Tibbie Dunbar

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:36 PM

I named my fourth baby boy by myself. It was a very difficult pregnancy, I needed to accept and bond, and I told dh I just was not ready to discuss names. A few weeks later, he asked me, "What are you going to name your baby?"

It really helped that he said that. It gave me some connection and agency - I was the one doing this very hard work while also taking care of three little boys, some of whom had serious issues. I needed to think of baby as MY baby whom I would name.

So I named him. He's in the kitchen right now, playing cards with dh, age 13.5. I still remember how important it was that I could name him, as part of connecting with him.

Take the labeler out of your dh's hands and name your baby if you want to, Caedmyn.
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#15 Crimson Wife

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:36 PM

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

FWIW, I've never heard anything about tongue-tied being sex-linked. All 3 of my babies have had it, so my vote is that it was just a fluke that your girl didn't.

 

Not a fan of naming kids with all the same first letter. If your husband really insists, see if he'll do the initial + middle name and just call your son by his middle name thing. My grandma and MIL both did that.


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#16 nixpix5

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:37 PM

Ahhh..I am sorry mama :( you are only human and totally allowed to mourn the picture you had in your head of frilly girly goodness. When you finally get to hold that cute little bundle I am sure he will be exactly who you didn't know you needed. ;)

Any way you can come up with a name you love that has a nickname that uses the letter of your other boys?
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#17 wendyroo

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:39 PM

I would push to give him a name that starts with the same letter as his big sister. 

 

He would still be part of a pattern, just a different pattern.  He wouldn't be left out, she wouldn't be left out, and if he does end up being the caboose, then it would be a nice little bond between the oldest and youngest.

 

Plus hopefully that would open up a whole new realm of possible names.

 

Wendy


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#18 happypamama

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:47 PM

My 2 through 6 are all boys too. Number 6 is the only one we found out ahead of time, and when they said boy, I just started to laugh because what are the odds?

We have a specific theme for our names, two actually. We’ve had to be a little creative. And it took us a few days to name some of them. I’m sure we would find a sixth boy name if need be, and I am sure you will find the right one too.

Hugs!
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#19 Mothersweets

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:53 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:



#20 gardenmom5

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:59 PM

I'm sorry you're disappointed. it's understandable. - it's nice to have a mix.    I also commend you for not telling people so you don't have to have them ask if you're "disappointed" - becasue if you say yes, they'll remember and someone will tell your son you "didn't want him.".

 

 

I have a bit of experience with this - my grandmother was one of TEN girls.  zero boys.  (on a farm.)  of course, there were no US then, so they found out with the birth.   It affected my grandmother - girls = bad, boys = desirable.   when the youngest girl was born - it made it into the town newspaper.  only, they got it wrong and it said __ finally got his boy.



#21 Junie

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:00 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I completely understand your disappointment with the gender.  (My family is the opposite of yours.  I so wanted a brother for ds17...)

 

I had the same disappointment with dd10.  With dd7, the feeling wasn't quite as strong.

 

I hope that you are able to come to an agreement about the baby's name.  Maybe you can start a thread telling us the letter of your other boy names and we can brainstorm with you.

 

 



#22 Seasider

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:01 PM

Ok, wait.

You had to agree to your dh’s demand that all of the boys’ names had to start with the same letter, and after all of your kids got names he liked, he still won’t agree to the one name you prefer???

No.

Just NO.

Why don’t you have a say in this decision???

After four (at least three) times of his demanding to do things his way, it's your turn. Funny/not funny, you could tell him you don't want people to think you're like that couple out in CA....

Sorry about your disappointment.

Edited by Seasider, 13 February 2018 - 10:12 PM.

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#23 Seasider

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:10 PM

I would push to give him a name that starts with the same letter as his big sister.

He would still be part of a pattern, just a different pattern. He wouldn't be left out, she wouldn't be left out, and if he does end up being the caboose, then it would be a nice little bond between the oldest and youngest.

Plus hopefully that would open up a whole new realm of possible names.

Wendy


I love this idea. Bookends!
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#24 LifeLovePassion

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:12 PM

I vote tell people you didn't find out gender. A friend did this with her 4th pregnancy, she had 3 boys already. #4 turned out to be a boy too, but she had time to process it ahead of time and then she didn't have to deal with as much commentary as people tend to say less when baby is actually here.
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#25 caedmyn

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:36 PM

Our first two boys' names started with the same initial...and they share a middle initial also...by coincidence. When the third boy came along DH wanted a name with the same initial, and I found one I liked ok, and then he insisted he had to have the same middle initial as the others so hr has a middle name I do not like. When I was pregnant with #5 I told him right off the bat that if he was a boy and he insisted on the same initial I wanted to call him by his middle name, which was NOT going to be the same middle initial as the others. So this one will be called by his middle name too, but I'd just as soon skip the whole matching initial thing in the first place. It seems silly to choose a name I don't like for the sake of matching. I think I will insist on him having 3 names and the third one being a name from my family that I've wanted to use as a middle name and he's never agreed to.
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#26 okbud

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:38 PM

It'll all work out in the end, as you know.
(((((()))))

You're having a baby!! You're going to be just so great! And so is he.

Congratulations momma.
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#27 maize

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:39 PM

Our first two boys' names started with the same initial...and they share a middle initial also...by coincidence. When the third boy came along DH wanted a name with the same initial, and I found one I liked ok, and then he insisted he had to have the same middle initial as the others so hr has a middle name I do not like. When I was pregnant with #5 I told him right off the bat that if he was a boy and he insisted on the same initial I wanted to call him by his middle name, which was NOT going to be the same middle initial as the others. So this one will be called by his middle name too, but I'd just as soon skip the whole matching initial thing in the first place. It seems silly to choose a name I don't like for the sake of matching. I think I will insist on him having 3 names and the third one being a name from my family that I've wanted to use as a middle name and he's never agreed to.


Your husband has had his turn doing things his way. It is your turn to do things your way!

Three of mine have double middle names, all with family significance.
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#28 FuzzyCatz

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 11:29 PM

I vote tell people you didn't find out gender. A friend did this with her 4th pregnancy, she had 3 boys already. #4 turned out to be a boy too, but she had time to process it ahead of time and then she didn't have to deal with as much commentary as people tend to say less when baby is actually here.


I did this for both my kids. It gave me time to process. My SIL was told the wrong gender for one of her kids with a single ultrasound at 20 was so I wanted to see it first hand before sharing anyway. People say such stupid things to pregnant women they wouldn’t say when a beautiful baby is born and in front of their face. 💕
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#29 BooksandBoys

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 12:30 AM

Hugs, Caedmyn. Congratulations on your baby, but I understand the disappointment. I still grieve that I’ll never have a daughter. I think gender grief is a tricky thing.
I hope you can name your baby what you want.
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#30 Melissa in Australia

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 12:43 AM

Congratulations I get the whole disappointment over not having more girls   and no, dil are not the same at all

 

 

 

it is a pain when children get older ant they have the same initials. I have 2 boys with the same initials and one child with same name as DH. it makes mail very difficult  especially when they are living away and still having mail sent here -( becasue of shifting work locations) . Who do I forward it to?? - it makes superannuation difficult- DH hates it now that he named a child after him and when he makes a doctors appointment he has to say senior - he hates it 


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#31 katilac

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 01:15 AM

DH has insisted that our boys have names that start with one particular letter which I don't see the point of 

 

Does he have some kind of Duggar fixation? No, just no. I love the idea of bookending with his sister, if you feel the need for some kind of pattern, but honestly, you've been pregnant 6 times, name the kid whatever you want. Tell dh he has dibs on all the kids he gives birth to. 

 

Sometimes we humans want things that are hard to explain. Not only did I desperately want a girl, I desperately wanted both of mine to be girls (don't ask me why, I was actually more used to boy babies than girl). I got my wish, but I know I would have been disappointed if I had not. And that's okay, we're human, we're a little weird sometimes, that doesn't make us awful people. 

 

But seriously, hold out for naming rights. I told dh that we could negotiate, but any human that gets pushed out of my body is going to have a name that I like. 


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#32 mamakelly

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 01:28 AM

Oh mama, I totally understand. I had similar feelings when we found out #4 was another boy. I actually tried to back out of the ultrasound because I was afraid of how I’d feel if it turned out to be another boy, but dh pushed me to find out. As far as names go, we had two boys with “B” names and a girl with an “M” name. Dh really pushed for another “B” name for baby #4 but I flat out refused. We needed up naming him and “M” name like his sister and it’s worked out great.
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#33 lailasmum

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 01:55 AM



Congratulations I get the whole disappointment over not having more girls and no, dil are not the same at all



it is a pain when children get older ant they have the same initials. I have 2 boys with the same initials and one child with same name as DH. it makes mail very difficult especially when they are living away and still having mail sent here -( becasue of shifting work locations) . Who do I forward it to?? - it makes superannuation difficult- DH hates it now that he named a child after him and when he makes a doctors appointment he has to say senior - he hates it


Yeah in my husband's family he has the same initials as his dad and mail was always annoying. I can imagine it would be a total nightmare if you've got multiple teens with the same initials at the same address all opening each other's letters and knowing who to forward to.
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#34 Kinsa

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 07:02 AM

Ah. Well, as the mom of six boys and no girls, I don't understand your disappointment (LOL)... but I understand the idea of running out of "usable" names!

I know you know this, but it will be okay. You will still fall in love with this child and come to adore him, regardless.
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#35 Scarlett

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 09:50 AM

Ah. Well, as the mom of six boys and no girls, I don't understand your disappointment (LOL)... but I understand the idea of running out of "usable" names!

I know you know this, but it will be okay. You will still fall in love with this child and come to adore him, regardless.

 

 

Yep.  And as the mom of an only I am thinking.....hmmmmm.....6 kids would have been nice.  But I am with you on the naming.  You need the say on this one.  

 

My dh is one of 7.  Girl, boy/boy/boy/girl/boy/girl. The first two girls have names with the first letter.  All of the boys have names with the same but different letter.....and the youngest?  Well, their father was killed in an accident before she was born and she has a totally different first letter and a name that is a female version of their dad's.  

 

Start a naming thread.  I love name threads.  :)



#36 Elizabeth86

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 10:17 AM

I have tried twice to reply, but I get to rambling on each time. Long story short, btdt and :grouphug: to you. It turned out fine for me the instant I held my baby so no big deal in the long run. Gender disappointment is HARD.
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#37 Katy

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 10:29 AM

Name the baby what you want.  I'd just announce the name you like is the one it will be, and your DH can just learn to like it or not, but that's what he's being named.

 

Also, feel free to keep gender a secret.

 

Also, it's okay to grieve not having a girl.


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#38 ashfern

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 10:37 AM

:grouphug:  It's ok to feel sad but please don't let it fester.  :grouphug:



#39 Garga

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 11:54 AM

Your husband has had his turn doing things his way. It is your turn to do things your way!
Three of mine have double middle names, all with family significance.

I have a son with two middle names, though he doesn’t know it yet. You know the phrase, “Danger is my middle name?” Yeah. It’s his middle name. I’ll tell him when he’s old enough to need to use his social security card for the first time. I want him old enough to appreciate his second middle name. Humor is important in our family. And he never has to tell anyone if he doesn’t think it’s humorous.

OP: I understand. I only have two and I felt serious disappointment that I didn’t get one of each. Of course, it evaporated the second I held him.

Edited by Garga, 14 February 2018 - 11:54 AM.

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#40 desertstrawberry5

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 12:01 PM

I agree with arcticmama. That's why we stopped finding out. I really and truly did not care in the end. With all of my complications, I just wanted to make it to term with a living child. I didn't want to hear anything about gender. 

 

Hugs Caedmyn! May you find this to be a peaceful and easy pregnancy and we will all coo over how beautiful your little baby is after the arrival!

Maybe this baby needs a nickname? Something you like?

Yes. Luna's name is Victoria. I don't care. After D vetoed every other name I liked, it occurred to me that I can call her whatever I want, regardless of what's on her birth certificate. I was 100% sure we were having an Adam, which I loved, so I agreed to Victoria half-heartedly. But I can still call her Luna if I want. 


Edited by desertstrawberry5, 14 February 2018 - 12:04 PM.

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#41 peacelovehomeschooling

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 12:41 PM

Ok, wait.

You had to agree to your dh’s demand that all of the boys’ names had to start with the same letter, and after all of your kids got names he liked, he still won’t agree to the one name you prefer???

No.

Just NO.

Why don’t you have a say in this decision???

 

I second all of this.  Please have a very serious conversation with your husband and get a say in this baby's name.  You deserve to have the name you like and choose.  Especially with how you are feeling about the gender of this baby.

 

Also, I am sorry you are disappointed and sad.  Hugs to you....
 


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#42 ktgrok

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 12:55 PM

Hugs. I've lucked out in the gender department, to the point I actually felt kind of guilty I got what I wanted each time when so many don't. You know and I know that you will love this baby just as much, but that doesn't mean you aren't disappointed. It's okay, we get it and don't judge you. 

 

As for names, we can help you brainstorm! But yeah, you carry the kids, you get veto power. 



#43 Rosika

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 02:52 PM

:grouphug: Five boys, one girl here.

 

I had four boys. A surprise pregnancy five years later gave me the sweetest daughter. Another surprise pregnancy 11 years after her, and I dared to get my hopes up that she'd have a sister of her own. I almost didn't find out the gender for fear of being disappointed. Add to that the fact that, like you, I knew that having a boy locked me in to using a name I didn't love (or even like very much.) But I knew I had to find out the gender so I could have time to deal with the potential disappointment, and I'm glad I did.

 

My 1 year old is a boy who has a name I hate. I refuse to call him by his formal name, and the older kids are smart enough to go along with me in calling him by a nickname. So are my in-laws. The only one who uses his "guv'mint name" is his father. (And to be fair, this is my sixth child but his first - and expected only - biological child. He wanted our son to be the fifth generation to honor a stupid family tradition they have, and I get that, so I caved. Maybe not so graciously. And I'd do it again, but I still hate the name LOL.) 

 

All that to say I truly understand your situation, and you have my complete empathy. Congratulations on your baby, and (((((hugs))))) as you process everything.



#44 stutterfish

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 04:01 PM

Congratulations I get the whole disappointment over not having more girls and no, dil are not the same at all



it is a pain when children get older ant they have the same initials. I have 2 boys with the same initials and one child with same name as DH. it makes mail very difficult especially when they are living away and still having mail sent here -( becasue of shifting work locations) . Who do I forward it to?? - it makes superannuation difficult- DH hates it now that he named a child after him and when he makes a doctors appointment he has to say senior - he hates it


Yes, this. I only have two children with the same first initial and now they are older, the mail thing is a real issue,even though their middle initials are different.

#45 lexi

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 05:00 PM

So we found out yesterday baby #6 is another boy. #s2-5 are also boys. I've been telling myself the whole time that he was a boy and didn't let myself think about girly stuff but it didn't help with the disappointment. Aside from the disappointment, having another boy is just more problematic. All my boys have had tongue ties, my daughter didn't. I so didn't want to deal with a tongue tie again but I suppose there's no hope of him not having one. DH has insisted that our boys have names that start with one particular letter which I don't see the point of, and there are zero names left that I like that start with that letter, and really zero boy names left that I like at all, except one which I know he won't agree to as he's always made derogatory comments about it when I've suggested it before.

I don't even want to tell people it's a boy. I don't want to spend the next 5 months telling people, dealing with people asking if I'm disappointed, and dealing with whatever comments people make about it. But I don't see any way to avoid telling people as all my big kids know and I'm sure they won't/can't keep from telling. I really wish we hadn't found out. It would have been better to assume a boy and plan to send someone out to buy some cute girly stuff for me if by some miracle he'd turned out to be a girl.


I’m so sorry you’re disappointed. And I understand. We have 5 girls and 1 boy. We’re pregnant and expecting another girl. Yes I was hoping for a boy. But I’ll be ok. However I loathe telling people it’s a girl again. I get some really unkind and insensitive comments from people. I’m 20 weeks and I still haven’t even told everyone I’m pregnant.
I’m no help. But I really get it. Hugs to you!
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#46 Mimm

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 05:49 PM

Maybe I'm thinking about this all wrong, but it always boggles my mind when husbands are super insistent on names. Women's bodies go through SO much with pregnancy and childbirth, they should have most of the say when it comes to names. I know a couple who fights to the bitter end over every name, including the time she almost died during childbirth! I have to say, I kind of respect her husband less for fighting over a name with his wife who he almost lost.

 

But hey, this is coming from someone who named all three of her children without her husband's input. Names matter to me, and not so much to him.


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#47 Splash

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 09:54 PM

Congratulations!  If you're thinking this is your last  what if you use same letter as your daughter's so she has someone match her letter.  Just an idea.