Second guessing--am I the only one?

[KarenNC]

Now that acceptances are in or coming in, along with scholarships and financial aid info, anyone else also totally second-guessing how they handled the entire college application process? 

 

In reality (vs anxiety-world), I know that we have everything we possibly can to support her and put her in the best position for likely success, but there's still the niggling "but what-if"s.

[GoodGrief]

My oldest graduated from college last spring and I still have regrets about how we handled her process, lol.

[teachermom2834]

Maybe a little. We are making two visits in the next month and I really would have liked to have done that sooner. These schools just came on the radar a month ago so it feels very rushed. It will work out okay but I would have planned the visits sooner for sure.

 

I realized today that both my boys have chosen the last schools that really came under consideration. All of the being out in front of it and planning and researching really was not useful. (Of course it was because we had plenty of information and knew what we were comparing things to but my boys visited alot of schools early in the process and ended up with the late comers)

 

I think my kids just dont know what they want until closer to graduation. I do always warn people that kids change alot in a short period of time. True in my house, at least. My next ds is in 9th grade and I've got to remember this if there is any talk of ED applications. Good thing my older boys didn't go that route.

[JanetC]

Yeah, the fear of missing out is real.

[regentrude]

Not really, because I think the choice of college is much less important that we are led to think.

 

I am coming from a completely different perspective: in my back then home country, we were allowed to submit one wish for a combination of major and college, and we either were allowed to go, or offered one alternative combination of different major and/or college and could take it or leave it. There was none of the wealth of choices, you didn't expect there to be - and you went to that one school and made it work. 

So, coming from a background like this, I know that a fulfilled, happy life is possible even if you don't have the wealth of choices.

Don't get me wrong, choices are great, but an overabundance can be paralyzing and lead to second guessing and dissatisfaction, because you can't shed the nagging "what ifs". 

 

Also, as a college instructor, I observe that it is ultimately up to the student to make things work and get the best out of the college she ends up at. I see students seek out all kinds of opportunities and craft their own, personal college experience. Sure, a certain educational standard must be satisfied (there are so called colleges that offer a substandard education, but I don't assume we are talking about that) - but beyond that, all those choices are a luxury, and the penalty for making a less than perfect selection is not severe.

Edited February 1, 2018 by regentrude

[KarenNC]

Not really, because I think the choice of college is much less important that we are led to think.

 

I am coming from a completely different perspective: in my back then home country, we were allowed to submit one wish for a combination of major and college, and we either were allowed to go, or offered one alternative combination of different major and/or college and could take it or leave it. There was none of the wealth of choices, you didn't expect there to be - and you went to that one school and made it work. 

So, coming from a background like this, I know that a fulfilled, happy life is possible even if you don't have the wealth of choices.

Don't get me wrong, choices are great, but an overabundance can be paralyzing and lead to second guessing and dissatisfaction, because you can't shed the nagging "what ifs". 

 

Also, as a college instructor, I observe that it is ultimately up to the student to make things work and get the best out of the college she ends up at. I see students seek out all kinds of opportunities and craft their own, personal college experience. Sure, a certain educational standard must be satisfied (there are so called colleges that offer a substandard education, but I don't assume we are talking about that) - but beyond that, all those choices are a luxury, and the penalty for making a less than perfect selection is not severe.

 

Good points. Actually, I'm not concerned about the quality of her education at any of the schools and while each has it's specific pros, I think she will find her place at any of them and be fine. I see her now taking the fullest advantage of her dual enrollment classes when others in the class don't, so I don't have any concerns that she won't take advantage of opportunities at a four-year school. The only one that I had some reservations about --socially, not academically--she actually crossed off the list after a second visit without my having to say anything.

 

My biggest what-ifs are about cost and whether she could end up with less debt. Would a different school have offered her more, particularly one she had been interested in initially but crossed off the list? If she's not getting the larger awards we hoped for, should I have encouraged her to look at other schools that might end up being similarly costly? I'll get over it. :)

Edited February 1, 2018 by KarenNC

[elegantlion]

I don't have any regrets, I do wish that circumstances had been more optimal for him, but there was nothing we could change about those. Ds originally entered college with one major in mind, then switched interests to something our school doesn't have a major in, so he decided to major in a tangential field. I think he's happy. Transferring was going to cost more money that he wanted to spend (borrow in loans), so he's staying put. I feel a bit sad about that, but there is nothing we could have changed in the application process. 

[Vida Winter]

Not exactly second-guessing but I find it interesting how the perception of a college changes based on the scholarships that are offered.

[JanetC]

My kiddo had a lot of Not Good Things happen to her that could have honestly happened anywhere. But they happen to have happened where she is going to school. There's no way to have a kid experience trauma and not have the feeling of coulda shoulda woulda.

[KarenNC]

Not exactly second-guessing but I find it interesting how the perception of a college changes based on the scholarships that are offered.

 

I'm going to be interested to see whether her perception of the one lowest on her list changes if she gets a substantial scholarship offer. This school is the only one we haven't heard anything at all financial from, though she's in and in the honors college. Now I'm making note of all the admitted student days for one last look.

[frogger]

My kiddo had a lot of Not Good Things happen to her that could have honestly happened anywhere. But they happen to have happened where she is going to school. There's no way to have a kid experience trauma and not have the feeling of coulda shoulda woulda.

I'm so sorry. :(

[GoodGrief]

an overabundance can be paralyzing and lead to second guessing and dissatisfaction, because you can't shed the nagging "what ifs". 

 

 

Excellent point!

[8filltheheart]

Not really, because I think the choice of college is much less important that we are led to think.

 

I am coming from a completely different perspective: in my back then home country, we were allowed to submit one wish for a combination of major and college, and we either were allowed to go, or offered one alternative combination of different major and/or college and could take it or leave it. There was none of the wealth of choices, you didn't expect there to be - and you went to that one school and made it work. 

So, coming from a background like this, I know that a fulfilled, happy life is possible even if you don't have the wealth of choices.

Don't get me wrong, choices are great, but an overabundance can be paralyzing and lead to second guessing and dissatisfaction, because you can't shed the nagging "what ifs". 

 

Also, as a college instructor, I observe that it is ultimately up to the student to make things work and get the best out of the college she ends up at. I see students seek out all kinds of opportunities and craft their own, personal college experience. Sure, a certain educational standard must be satisfied (there are so called colleges that offer a substandard education, but I don't assume we are talking about that) - but beyond that, all those choices are a luxury, and the penalty for making a less than perfect selection is not severe.

I agree. This has been our experience.

 

  

Good points. Actually, I'm not concerned about the quality of her education at any of the schools and while each has it's specific pros, .....

 

My biggest what-ifs are about cost and whether she could end up with less debt. Would a different school have offered her more, particularly one she had been interested in initially but crossed off the list? If she's not getting the larger awards we hoped for, should I have encouraged her to look at other schools that might end up being similarly costly? I'll get over it. :)

You can't know the outcomes ahead of time. You can make your best educated guess at the time. Do you have younger kids? My younger kids have the benefit of my moving ahead in the learning curve as we go through the process multiple times.

 

As long as your Dd has a few affordable options to choose amg in the spring, you have given her excellent guidance. They don't have to be dream schools. They don't have to be "perfect fits." They just have to be realistic financially and offer a decent education. The kids who have no choice that fits their financial reality or who only applied to competitive schools and were denied.....they are the ones who received poor guidance.

[DawnM]

Going to a school isn't a prison sentence.  If you don't like it, you can change schools.

 

I am trying to let my middle son find his path.  It is hard for me.  I want to step in and tell him what to do.  I am good at it!  hahahaha!  

 

But he is insistent (so far) that he wants to stay home and go to CC next year, get his stuff together and figure out what he wants, and then apply for his sophomore year.  I keep thinking, "You have gotten into two 4 year colleges with scholarships!  Just go, enjoy!" but I can't push it.  And I should be thankful, since I already have one off at college.

Edited February 2, 2018 by DawnM

[J-rap]

Yes.  Most of my kids were pretty independent and we let them make their own college decisions, offering support but believing they were well equipped to make a good decision. 

 

In hindsite, I feel we should have been more proactive in steering them. 

 

Two of them now regret their choices and believe they would have been better off choosing a different school.  I remember thinking that at the time and questioning them about it, but in the end their choices seemed well thought through.  I should have trusted my instinct.  But on the other hand, I really don't know if I could have persuaded them to do it differently.  They were independent and also very stubborn!

 

 

[whitestavern]

I'm kind of there. In hindsight dd shouldn't have applied to any schools that didn't offer merit, even though one of them is her first choice. The income used in this year's FAFSA was much lower than subsequent years will be, so even if she gets in to some of those schools and gets FA, she won't be getting enough in the future. She has several good options that gave great merit, and one she is very happy to attend, so I guess it turned out okay, but what a waste of application fees and the cost to send test scores and CSS profiles. Also, there was one OOS university she really wanted to apply to, but we didn't think she'd get enough money to attend. Now we're hearing quite a few folks got decent money, so maybe she would've gotten some as well. Ultimately I don't think it was a good match, but she regrets not trying.

[KarenNC]

You can't know the outcomes ahead of time. You can make your best educated guess at the time. Do you have younger kids? My younger kids have the benefit of my moving ahead in the learning curve as we go through the process multiple times.

 

As long as your Dd has a few affordable options to choose amg in the spring, you have given her excellent guidance. They don't have to be dream schools. They don't have to be "perfect fits." They just have to be realistic financially and offer a decent education. The kids who have no choice that fits their financial reality or who only applied to competitive schools and were denied.....they are the ones who received poor guidance.

 

She's our only, so while she has gotten all the time, energy, and attention, she's also gotten all the mistakes along the learning curve. Hopefully it will all more or less even out in the end. :)

[JanetC]

I'm so sorry. :(

Aw...thanks, guys.

[MerryAtHope]

As long as your Dd has a few affordable options to choose amg in the spring, you have given her excellent guidance. They don't have to be dream schools. They don't have to be "perfect fits." They just have to be realistic financially and offer a decent education. The kids who have no choice that fits their financial reality or who only applied to competitive schools and were denied.....they are the ones who received poor guidance.

 

Yes. Years ago I had a pastor who used to say to pursue excellence, not perfection. Perfectionism never allows us to be happy because there could always be something better--it sees the 5% poorly done and misses the 95% well done. It magnifies the bad and minimizes the good. Pursuing excellence has molded my thinking and helped with many choices throughout life.

 

And, as I tell my kids--we can't change the past. We can only move on from here--so don't worry about what's past, learn from it if we can, and move on. 

Edited February 1, 2018 by MerryAtHope

[SanDiegoMom]

 

Don't get me wrong, choices are great, but an overabundance can be paralyzing and lead to second guessing and dissatisfaction, because you can't shed the nagging "what ifs". 

 

 

 

This was definitely our experience -- being military means we are moving midway thru our dd's college so she has no attachment to VA, and her going on the GI bill meant she could apply anywhere. The choices were overwhelming, and she kept changing what was important to her because really, what 16/17 year old knows exactly what she wants out of life? ;-) We are still figuring out ourselves! 

 

We spent a lot of time and money visiting campuses, and I am very glad we did. At one point she was in love with a certain university, yet when we visited it the huge campus combined with a smallish student population made it feel extremely lonely. Another time she was dead set on a "city" school, only to find it was tiny, basically was just a bunch of tall buildings.  

 

I think the what-ifs are definitely always there and I've heard them from my dd a few times as she is struggling now at a very large school.  But I always tell her she would have these type of struggles anywhere she went. It helps to have friends at different colleges going through the same things right now. They can all commiserate. 

 

My husband did tell me during the time that  I should be more hands off, and I am very glad I didn't listen. I know two people here who are waiting for acceptances to come in that let their kids do everything. One applied to all Ivies and one safety and we already know he will not get into any of them except the safety (my daughter knows him very well through school) and the other one applied to only a few and most without visiting them.  One of them was the above one that my daughter hated on sight (the no campus one).  Another was NYU, which gives notoriously little aid (and they are not rich).  A little bit of research would have saved them some trouble, for sure. 

[GoodGrief]

 

My husband did tell me during the time that  I should be more hands off, and I am very glad I didn't listen. I know two people here who are waiting for acceptances to come in that let their kids do everything. One applied to all Ivies and one safety and we already know he will not get into any of them except the safety (my daughter knows him very well through school) and the other one applied to only a few and most without visiting them.  One of them was the above one that my daughter hated on sight (the no campus one).  Another was NYU, which gives notoriously little aid (and they are not rich).  A little bit of research would have saved them some trouble, for sure. 

 

I have always been very sensitive about not wanting to be the Controlling Homeschool Mom, and that (and ignorance) was part of the reason I was very hands off when my oldest daughter was applying. It was a mistake financially. We had the GI Bill too (with more restrictions than the program currently has) and we definitely could have done better as far as the money had I been part of the process early on. Oh well.

 

It did lead to me being very cognizant of my next daughter's path toward college.

[whitestavern]

Kind of a thread hijack, but does anyone have any experience with the honors programs at either Susquehanna or Allegheny? DD has been invited to both. Allegheny is one of her top choices already, but their program is only in its third year, I believe, so there's not a lot of information out there. Neither seem like they are super robust, but a benefit is a benefit even if small. Just wondering if anyone had dc in either of the programs.

[SMMom1]

This was definitely our experience -- being military means we are moving midway thru our dd's college so she has no attachment to VA, and her going on the GI bill meant she could apply anywhere. The choices were overwhelming, and she kept changing what was important to her because really, what 16/17 year old knows exactly what she wants out of life? ;-) We are still figuring out ourselves! 

 

We spent a lot of time and money visiting campuses, and I am very glad we did. At one point she was in love with a certain university, yet when we visited it the huge campus combined with a smallish student population made it feel extremely lonely. Another time she was dead set on a "city" school, only to find it was tiny, basically was just a bunch of tall buildings.  

 

I think the what-ifs are definitely always there and I've heard them from my dd a few times as she is struggling now at a very large school.  But I always tell her she would have these type of struggles anywhere she went. It helps to have friends at different colleges going through the same things right now. They can all commiserate. 

 

My husband did tell me during the time that  I should be more hands off, and I am very glad I didn't listen. I know two people here who are waiting for acceptances to come in that let their kids do everything. One applied to all Ivies and one safety and we already know he will not get into any of them except the safety (my daughter knows him very well through school) and the other one applied to only a few and most without visiting them.  One of them was the above one that my daughter hated on sight (the no campus one).  Another was NYU, which gives notoriously little aid (and they are not rich).  A little bit of research would have saved them some trouble, for sure. 

 

I agree. There are too many moving parts in the college application process, and I don't know many 17 year olds who can navigate the process well. They definitely need a parent to help guide them. The financial side of it alone means that parents really need to help out. I'm very tired of hearing the reports of kids graduating from NYU with $150,000 in debt...and that could be prevented if parents intervened and brought some common sense to the process.

 

 

[RootAnn]

I'm very tired of hearing the reports of kids graduating from NYU with $150,000 in debt...and that could be prevented if parents intervened and brought some common sense to the process.

 

Except, as has been pointed out here many times, there is no way for an underage student to take out this much in loans by themselves. The debt would be their parent's or at least co-signed. I think the parents don't have much common sense either!

 

(It was different way back, bit I did navigate the process on my own. My parents refused to fill out the FAFSA, so I was completely on my own. In terms of research, it is so much easier now. In terms of affordability, it is much more difficult now.)