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What church would you recommend?


Greta
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This is not for me, but for a loved one who is trying to heal from a spiritually abusive church.  He needs a church which is warm and gentle and kind.  No fire and brimstone.  An emphasis on reconciliation rather than judgment.  Particular points of doctrine or theology are not as important and the overall spirit of the church.  And I realize that's the kind of thing that varies from church to church even within the same denomination.  But which denominations would be a good place to start?  Or which ones would probably be best avoided?  He lives in a small town in a very conservative Christian area.  The churches available to him are:

 

Roman Catholic

Episcopal

Lutheran

Methodist

United Methodist

Seventh Day Adventist

Assemblies of God

Church of Christ

Church of God in Christ

Church of the Nazarene

Disciples of Christ

Pentecostal

Presbyterian

Non-denominational

And Baptist, lots and lots of Baptist churches!

 

I just want to help him narrow his options down a bit.  Any thoughts?

 

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I'd suggest any of the top five in your list could work.  I would check out what kind of Lutherans they are though - some of the more conservative ones can be more influenced by fundamentalism, which I think is what he'll want to stay away from.

 

Beyond that, any of those could be ok or not - local differences make it harder to say much.  As far as the Episcopalians, for example, they aren't likely to be too fiery, but some congregations might be too silly, or occasionally to politically divided.  

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I'd suggest any of the top five in your list could work.  I would check out what kind of Lutherans they are though - some of the more conservative ones can be more influenced by fundamentalism, which I think is what he'll want to stay away from.

 

Beyond that, any of those could be ok or not - local differences make it harder to say much.  As far as the Episcopalians, for example, they aren't likely to be too fiery, but some congregations might be too silly, or occasionally to politically divided.  

 

 

Thank you so much, Bluegoat!  According to the website of the one Lutheran church in his town, they are Missouri Synod.  Does that tell you anything?  (Tells me nothing, I'm sorry I'm so ignorant about these things!)

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United Methodist or Episcopal. Which would depend on the culture of the individual church, as far as welcoming/more mind your own business, etc. But I wouldn't expect fire and brimstone from either. Or from a Roman Catholic, but he wouldn't be able to take communion there. He could at the other two. 

 

Presbyterian IF it is PC-USA 

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Thank you so much, Bluegoat! According to the website of the one Lutheran church in his town, they are Missouri Synod. Does that tell you anything? (Tells me nothing, I'm sorry I'm so ignorant about these things!)

Missouri Synod is one of the more conservative denominations.

If you are looking for the most liberal of the Lutheran churches, you want the ELCA. (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America)

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The only help I can give is to recommend to avoid Roman Catholic. That's how I was raised and I would rank it as very spiritually abusive so the opposite of what your friend is looking for.

 

I'm so sorry.  :grouphug:

 

 

He needs to ask around about the pastors of the particular church.  Honestly, it is very different.  I go to a Baptist church.  We've had pastors that made people feel judged and the climate wasn't good.  However, now we have a pastor and our slogan is Love God. Love People and that is what we are trying to do.  He is in NO way fire and brimstone.  He is so incredibly nice and the church is growing and have adopted a similar way of acting...

 

So he needs to somehow ask around about the climate at the church.  Honestly, the name means nothing.  I've been to Methodist churches who literally believed the Bible and methodist churches who never even opened them.  Sermons were all about feeling good.  So, you really need to find out about the church itself. 

 

 

 

Yes, I wish I knew more people there to ask, but most of the people I know who live there either attend the church he's trying to escape or don't attend church at all.  He knows plenty of people he could ask, but he's uncomfortable talking about it, and I don't think he'll open up.  In fact, I'm not even sure he'll go through with it and actually attend a church.  But I wanted to try to give him a gentle little nudge in the right direction.  :)

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Thank you so much, Bluegoat!  According to the website of the one Lutheran church in his town, they are Missouri Synod.  Does that tell you anything?  (Tells me nothing, I'm sorry I'm so ignorant about these things!)

 

Yes, they are the more conservative Lutherans.

 

That could be ok - it means they are more like "classical" Lutherans.  But some seem more like standard American Evangelicals, and they can be very focused on what is needed to become a member.

 

The evangelical Lutherans are on the other hand very much like the Episcopalians, in fact they sometimes trade around clergy.  Espicopalians can be very good - just as long as they aren't foolish.

 

The advice to ask around is good though - if they know someone happy with their congregation.  

 

I might also look for a place with a smaller or medium congregation - too large and it can be kind of impersonal.

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United Methodist or Episcopal. Which would depend on the culture of the individual church, as far as welcoming/more mind your own business, etc. But I wouldn't expect fire and brimstone from either. Or from a Roman Catholic, but he wouldn't be able to take communion there. He could at the other two. 

 

Presbyterian IF it is PC-USA 

 

Thank you, Katie!  I wasn't thinking of it when I originally posted, but I do think that being able to partake of communion would be an important experience for him, because he's never done it before (in his former church, only certain people are allowed to partake, and he wasn't one of them).  So I would like for that option to be open for him.  I can't seem to tell from the Presbyterian church's website if they are PC-USA or not, but I will try again, and I'll definitely put Episcopal and United Methodist on the list.

 

 

Missouri Synod is one of the more conservative denominations.

If you are looking for the most liberal of the Lutheran churches, you want the ELCA. (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America)

 

 

Thanks!

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Wow. Not my experience of the RC Church at all. I’m sorry this happened to you.

 

 

I was surprised because the Roman Catholics that I know are so very gentle and kind, exactly the kind of spirit that I'm hoping he'll find.  But I also realize that the church can vary a great deal from parish to parish.  

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I would recommend any of the top 5, plus Presbyterian.  Have the person take a denomination- matching quiz or two and choose whichever of those comes closest to their own theology.  The reason for this is that all of these denominations require advanced degrees and have extensive oversight.  IME spiritual abuse tends to be strongly linked to "feel the spirit" independent churches without much education or oversight required. Not that those churches don't have their place (they can truly ignite a spiritual fire in someone), but it is also easy for abuse to occur in them.

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I would recommend any of the top 5, plus Presbyterian.  Have the person take a denomination- matching quiz or two and choose whichever of those comes closest to their own theology.  The reason for this is that all of these denominations require advanced degrees and have extensive oversight.  IME spiritual abuse tends to be strongly linked to "feel the spirit" independent churches without much education or oversight required. Not that those churches don't have their place (they can truly ignite a spiritual fire in someone), but it is also easy for abuse to occur in them.

 

 

That's a very interesting point.  Thank you!

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Thank you so much, Bluegoat! According to the website of the one Lutheran church in his town, they are Missouri Synod. Does that tell you anything? (Tells me nothing, I'm sorry I'm so ignorant about these things!)

I'm LCMS (aka Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod). We're theologically conservative, but not fundamentalist. The pp is right that in the 60s/70s era there was something of a fundamentalist borrowing/influence in the LCMS, particularly wrt the inerrancy of Scripture, and in some places that might have held over to today. (Not in any churches I've attended, though.)

 

Interestingly, today the most theologically conservative LCMS churches are actually going to be the ones with the *least* fundamentalist influence. That's because theologically conservative in the LCMS means holding to the Lutheran Confessions, and there are some major, major differences between Lutheran theology and fundamentalism. I mean, *huge*. And so the people/churches who borrowed most from fundamentalism/evangelicalism were the people who were *least* interested in being Lutheran, the least theologically conservative in a Lutheran sense. Even so, most of the borrowing I know of wasn't of the hellfire and brimstone variety.

 

Generally speaking, I'd say a Lutheran Church ought to be a good bet - our theology is very grace-focused, and there's not a history of hell and brimstone style preaching or legalism (our bugaboo is usually trying to avoid falling off the antinomian side of the road). Individual churches do vary, but I think the Lutheran church would be a good one to try.

 

Here's a link to a sermon by a Lutheran pastor that might be helpful for your friend: The Gospel for those broken by the Church. There's video, audio, and a transcript, all free: https://www.1517legacy.com/1517blog/rodrosenbladt/2014/02/the-gospel-for-those-broken-by-the-church

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I'm LCMS (aka Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod). We're theologically conservative, but not fundamentalist. The pp is right that in the 60s/70s era there was something of a fundamentalist borrowing/influence in the LCMS, particularly wrt the inerrancy of Scripture, and in some places that might have held over to today. (Not in any churches I've attended, though.)

 

Interestingly, today the most theologically conservative LCMS churches are actually going to be the ones with the *least* fundamentalist influence. That's because theologically conservative in the LCMS means holding to the Lutheran Confessions, and there are some major, major differences between Lutheran theology and fundamentalism. I mean, *huge*. And so the people/churches who borrowed most from fundamentalism/evangelicalism were the people who were *least* interested in being Lutheran, the least theologically conservative in a Lutheran sense. Even so, most of the borrowing I know of wasn't of the hellfire and brimstone variety.

 

Generally speaking, I'd say a Lutheran Church ought to be a good bet - our theology is very grace-focused, and there's not a history of hell and brimstone style preaching or legalism (our bugaboo is usually trying to avoid falling off the antinomian side of the road). Individual churches do vary, but I think the Lutheran church would be a good one to try.

 

Here's a link to a sermon by a Lutheran pastor that might be helpful for your friend: The Gospel for those broken by the Church. There's video, audio, and a transcript, all free: https://www.1517legacy.com/1517blog/rodrosenbladt/2014/02/the-gospel-for-those-broken-by-the-church

 

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to help educate me!   :001_smile:

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My experience is with Baptist and church of Christ. I think either could be good for him or bad for him. It really depends on the individual church. I love my current church and while it isn’t perfect I think it does a lot of things right.

 

Sitting down with a pastor or a church leader is where I would want to start.

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Episcopal will have communion every Sunday (with certain unusual exceptions), so if that might be good for him, that's a sure bet. And he absolutely, in no way, will hear anything fire and brimstone. He will hear three readings from the bible, hear a beautiful liturgy, hear some good hymns, and be able to partake in communion. Just watch what the person next to him does for that, as far as doing it. Episcopalians still have an altar rail and kneel for communion, and it is real wine, by the way. Rite I services are in more Elizabethan language, and usually attended by senior citizens in my experience. Rite II is more modern language, and typically the main service. Still beautiful though. And if he doesn't want communion he can just cross his arms across his chest or stay in his seat. 

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I would recommend any of the top 5, plus Presbyterian.  Have the person take a denomination- matching quiz or two and choose whichever of those comes closest to their own theology.  The reason for this is that all of these denominations require advanced degrees and have extensive oversight.  IME spiritual abuse tends to be strongly linked to "feel the spirit" independent churches without much education or oversight required. Not that those churches don't have their place (they can truly ignite a spiritual fire in someone), but it is also easy for abuse to occur in them.

 

Yes, I think this question of oversight is really important and makes a big difference.

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He may want to check out http://thewartburgwatch.com/   The site is a blog focused on abuse of all kinds in Christian churches. Many of the people who comment have their own experience of abuse. It cn be healing to realize that it wasn't just him--and to see the patterns that are virtually the same in every form of abuse. Additionally, every week, they put up a "Sunday service" with prayers, songs, and a sermon from a reliably kind preacher for those they know can't go back to a church at least for the time-being.  

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The only help I can give is to recommend to avoid Roman Catholic. That's how I was raised and I would rank it as very spiritually abusive so the opposite of what your friend is looking for.

 

I'm so sorry you had that experience. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  But you cannot throw out a whole group because one was bad. I would say that of *all* faith-based groups.

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I would definitely avoid any Baptist church.  I was raised Southern Baptist....it.was.not.good.

 

I admit to being biased, but I wish you had listed Unitarian Universalist.   After being completely broken by people in our previous denomination/church (not baptist), I truly believed I was done with formal religion.   Then I read about UU.  It has been tremendously healing and beneficial to me.    It is gentle, accepting, kind, and pretty wonderful. 

 

Wherever he goes, I do hope he finds the healing and peace he needs and deserves.  Being broken by a church is a special kind of hurt that is very hard to recover from.  It is awful.

 

The thought of a UU church did occur to me!  Unfortunately, there is not one anywhere near him.  I am so happy that you found healing there.  :grouphug:  

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I'm so sorry you had that experience. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: But you cannot throw out a whole group because one was bad. I would say that of *all* faith-based groups.

I was just responding to the post asking for any thoughts on the religions she listed and I provided my experience with one on the list.

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I am seriously considering going back to the Methodist Church.  The theology is more what I grew up with and espouse.  I am currently at a Baptist church and I am finding myself drawing more and more apart from *some* of the teaching. It is very "we" and "they" and if you don't believe exactly a certain way, welp, you aren't really a Christian.  It all wears me out.

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That’s a pretty hard one. Every church varies so much it’s impossible to say if a certain church or denomination is will living and gentle. The best I can say is for him to find one that is Biblically sound and seeks to live out the gospel. However, no church is perfect and flaws will be found in all.

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Many churches have websites and post their sermons online. Once you find some possibilities, you might try checking their sermons out. Even a scroll through sermon titles may be helpful in determining whether it's a "fire and brimstone" type.

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Many churches have websites and post their sermons online. Once you find some possibilities, you might try checking their sermons out. Even a scroll through sermon titles may be helpful in determining whether it's a "fire and brimstone" type.

 

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.  Thanks!

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Many churches have websites and post their sermons online. Once you find some possibilities, you might try checking their sermons out. Even a scroll through sermon titles may be helpful in determining whether it's a "fire and brimstone" type.

That’s a great suggestion!! Over the past several years, I have attended mostly non-denominational churches. They have all had their sermons online and the ones I’ve attended sound like they would work well for your friend. So he may want to check out the websites of the churches in his area.

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I would vote for the Episcopal or RC from my (limited) personal experience though I do understand that some struggle with the RCC. I would also be another vote against the SBC.

 

Personally, I would be leery of non-denoms if he lives in the South. In my area, they tend to be like South Baptists with a thin veneer of loving kindness of top. And, when you get past that veneer, many are actually more (much more) conservative than the SBC.

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I just don't think it is as easy as this.  I have been in two exact same denomination (down to the branch within that denomination) churches only twenty minutes apart that felt like worlds apart.  Even within a set denomination, different churches have different values and "flavors".

 

 

Edited by Attolia
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Some of these are hard to say not all are true denominations we got to a Baptist church that is lovely but several in town have very different beliefs.  Why because it is not a denomination it is a loose coalition each church is self governing.  Trying churches is the best bet but I can understand why that would be hard.

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I find this whole discussion so strange.

 

If you don't like a religion you are free to leave it. There might be consequences, but nonetheless you are free to leave.

 

No one said they aren't free to leave, but they aren't changing religions, just finding another Christian church that meets their needs a little better.

What is so strange about it?

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He will probably need to try out different churches to get a feel for them.  Growing up in the ELCA Lutheran church, I'd say it is a very loving and accepting church in general.  I'm sure other denominations are too.  

 

I attend another church now that I love -- it's nondenominational but quite unique, I think.  It's definitely far less conservative than nondenominational churches in most small towns.  It really just focuses on the meat of Christ's teachings.

 

I've heard good things about the Disciples of Christ churches, though have never attended one.

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The more I think about it, th more I'd say to narrow it to either the UMC or the Episcopal one. And then choose from their depending on if he wants something that feels a bit familiar to him (UMC) or something totally different, (Episcopal). Even in the south those should be very mainstream. 

 

 

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I would highly suggest a United Methodist, a Free Methodist or Church of the Nazarene.  All of those would be a good place for someone who has been spiritually hurt.  I would stay away from any independent churches or churches labeled Baptist at this point.  They maybe very good churches but you also tend to find some of the legalistic and judgemental churches under these two labels.  ( I am not saying all independent or Baptists churches are like that, far from it but this person does not seem like they are in a place to risk it).

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There is a small order of Roman Catholic priests who are especially kind and welcoming, I've found. It's called Companions of the Cross, and they have parishes in Houston and Detroit. There are a few locations in Canada as well. http://www.companionscross.org/

 

Fr Mark Goring, in Houston, has several videos that are amazing:

 

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=fr+mark+goring

Edited by wintermom
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I would definitely avoid any Baptist church.  I was raised Southern Baptist....it.was.not.good.

 

I admit to being biased, but I wish you had listed Unitarian Universalist.   After being completely broken by people in our previous denomination/church (not baptist), I truly believed I was done with formal religion.   Then I read about UU.  It has been tremendously healing and beneficial to me.    It is gentle, accepting, kind, and pretty wonderful. 

 

Wherever he goes, I do hope he finds the healing and peace he needs and deserves.  Being broken by a church is a special kind of hurt that is very hard to recover from.  It is awful.

 

I wouldn't totally rule out Baptist. Look to see if any are affiliated with the American Baptist denomination. They are much more on the liberal end of the spectrum and away from fire and brimstone. Likewise, I'd look for Presbyterian (U.S.A) (PCUSA) rather than Presbyterian Church in America (PCA).

 

We have been UUs for a couple of decades now and it's the best fit for us, but I don't know that it would necessarily be a great fit for someone who is looking for a specifically Christian community. It varies by church, however.

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I haven't had a chance to read all the replies, but I would recommend he check out LCMS Lutheran (caveat - I am a member). 

 

The LCMS does require spiritual education before offering communion to be sure there is understanding of it's meaning and significance, as they take it very seriously.  The spiritual education classes are usually a great way to get connected to the church, though, and also receive one on one time with the pastor -- often bringing healing to past hurts.

 

The LCMS is known for a very strong doctrine of grace and forgiveness.  They campaign against works-based legalistic teaching, instead seeing good works as simply a natural outpouring of the love we receive from Christ.  Of course like any denomination, some congregations are more welcoming than others, but many I have attended are very warm and visitor-focused.

 

 

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None. Get counseling before even trying. If you've been spiritually abused (I don't truly know what that means unless someone explains explicitly) to the point where one's emotional needs are the main deciding factor in one's choice of where to worship, serve others, and practice one's faith, then I think counseling is the way to go.

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None. Get counseling before even trying. If you've been spiritually abused (I don't truly know what that means unless someone explains explicitly) to the point where one's emotional needs are the main deciding factor in one's choice of where to worship, serve others, and practice one's faith, then I think counseling is the way to go.

I agree....I don't know what spiritual abuse means either, but it seems like choosing any religin should be based on what it teaches.

Edited by Scarlett
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None. Get counseling before even trying. If you've been spiritually abused (I don't truly know what that means unless someone explains explicitly) to the point where one's emotional needs are the main deciding factor in one's choice of where to worship, serve others, and practice one's faith, then I think counseling is the way to go.

 

 

 

He has done / is doing that, and the therapist thinks he is ready.  (It has actually been a number of years at this point.)

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I find this whole discussion so strange.

 

If you don't like a religion you are free to leave it. There might be consequences, but nonetheless you are free to leave.

 

 

Scarlett, it was out of respect for you, specifically and personally, that I didn't mention what religion this person had been in.  So your response is grating.  You and I both know perfectly well that your religion gives very serious, life-altering, sometimes devastating consequences for leaving, so don't pretend it's that simple.

 

 

 

Edited for a word that was too harsh.

Edited by Greta
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Most Episcopal churches I've been to would tend to be okay in that regard--especially if it has a broad or low Episcopal orientation, not a high church Anglican.

 

In a very conservatively Christian area, all the individual churches may lean to a more rigid version of the range within that denomination.  

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Most Episcopal churches I've been to would tend to be okay in that regard--especially if it has a broad or low Episcopal orientation, not a high church Anglican.

 

In a very conservatively Christian area, all the individual churches may lean to a more rigid version of the range within that denomination.  

 

I think it would be very hit or miss whether a low or high group of Episcopalians would be more likely to be welcoming.  

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