s/o If you grew up "poor", does this color how you guide your kids?

[solascriptura]

I grew up solidly middle class, but I saw how incredibly hard my parent's worked to provide the necessities of life.  They easily worked 10-14 (or more) hour days 6 days a week with a vacation only about every 10 years.  Much of my reflection only occurred when I had kids and thought back to my own childhood.  

 

The thread on growing up poor has some fascinating comments, but this is something that I've wondered for some time.  

 

If you grew up poor with parents that struggled to provide, are you are will you encourage your children into more secure futures?  What loving parent wouldn't want their kids to "follow their dreams" or pursue a future that will make them happy?  As many of us know, this doesn't always provide for security.  Will you insist that your children finish degrees that will help them secure decent paying jobs?  I'm just curious what others think.  

 

 

[Carrie12345]

My upbringing clearly does influence them, as does dh's. I have kids who are reluctant to tell me they need new shoes or undergarments, but they sure can fill bags when we shop!

 

Future wise, we're still about the dreams. I have a music major and two future public servants, possibly more. I try to make sure they're financially literate. They know those paths aren't destined for riches.

[Acorn]

I worry the most about college.  My childhood was difficult, but I had grants and scholarships to cover most of college.  I don't know how middle class families send kids to college.  We have small savings for each kid, only it seems like a vast amount of money to me, but it so fractional of what the current costs are.  I don't know how or if I should try different investment plans.  

[Arcadia]

If you grew up poor with parents that struggled to provide, are you are will you encourage your children into more secure futures?

My husband grew up not poor (as in food, shelter, utilities were never an issue) but having to do without and work hard for scholarships. He is definitely looking at college and college majors for our kids with regards to earning potential. The difference between him and his parents is that his parents are focused on salaries while my husband is focused more on long term employability. So a math major would have long term employment here as a tutor or private school teacher but his parents would have been upset because it is not a high paying job or a high status job. My husband was definitely pressured to pick medicine or engineering by his parents instead of what he may be interested in. It work out okay job wise but he always has a nagging feeling of being denied a choice.

My parents (lower middle class approximately in high cost of living area) are very supportive of education and career choices and my husband is using them as a guide/basis because he has seen how my relatives are happy owning their education and career choices even if the choices aren’t perfect.

I would put my in-laws in the lower middle class category in a low cost of living area but my husband’s childhood was filled with being denied all wants and some needs. He could not understand why his dad has to drive to work when all his dad’s colleagues (some staying further from work) including the boss took public busses. The family car is only used by his dad for work and it was a big expense. My parents walk, took busses and cabs and has more disposable income so it really hit him that his dad “overspend†on the car and that money came from the grocery budget (MIL had a very limited budget for grocery and housework costs). My in-laws has a bigger home and they hoard stuff so the living space is less. My childhood home is smaller but less cluttered so it was a stark contrast for him. My dad and his dad earned about the same income but the spending priorities are different and the mom’s social status are different too.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I think it has effected their upbringing in that we promote hard work and academic excellence in hopes of receiving scholarships. So far so good. I have a morbid fear of borrowing money my parents passed to me courtesy of their parents living in fear of losing their farms. What the kids choose to study is up to them. I didn't resent being poor though. That may make a difference. My dad owned his own mechanic shop. He could have made more working at a factory but would have hated it so I have a background in "follow your dreams". My leaving my career to homeschool is a similar choice.

 

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[TravelingChris]

I was on that thread even though I did not, on the whole, grow up poor, but tight, because my family experienced a sudden big drop in income to basically almost none for a period of about 4 months at age 13  and then a move probably from the tight middle income to lower income when my father died.  And that uncertain big drop in income which has happened  a few times more (always actually something to do with government bureucratic mess or with government inefficiency type stuff/) and been threatened a few times more.  That sudden drop has been an issue of mine.  For my dh, he grew up with a not atypical lower working class family that became more and more atypical both with less money and more stresses monetarily because of mental illness and life choices as he was grew up.   Oh and my mom had a tremendous drop in lifestyle too as in very wealthy straight into Soviet gulag hell as did my father with a normal income and lifestyle also suddenly in war and Soveit gulag hell.

Those things made giant choices on us plus the fact that three of our parents died in early 60s.  So while we emphasize working hard, we also emphasized not putting off everything you want to do to a so-called golden retirement. We did not control what the kids did as a major until the last one who had a choice of doing certain majors at one school (and any kind of minor) where we are paying full load this year (almost complete private college tuition) or anything she wanted to do at local college or certain state colleges. But it mainly affects us in that we are much much more hesitant and not interested in opening up a business but are happier working in an employee owned company and now are urging children to look for those type companies to hire them since you get the profit and the wages.  One child is now at such a company. One is still in college and one is not but thinking about how to transition maybe into such employment.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I encouraged my dc to get enough education that they would have a choice.  Its their life, so they get to choose, but of course we gave them the resources to understand what being, say, an artist was going to mean.  I've known others who push their kids into security...that's a state job with pension and retiree medical, where they can moonlight as well as retire after 20-25 years..then grow their side business into fulltime.   Others gave the dc a lift down to the recruiter.

 

That's how I've been.  I was a lot less willing to entertain the idea of artist in the beginning though.  There has been a shift in my thinking.  Mostly I was practical to a fault and now I am starting to believe that there are ways to do stuff that's less practical and that liking what you do is probably the biggest motivator to making it work...whatever it is. 

 

But 100% my kids lives are their own.  So long as they go to college.  LOL  No I kid.  My younger kid has said he does not want to go.  He is only 12 so hopefully he'll change his mind, but he's smart so I don't doubt that he'll do something good whatever it ends up being.  So I'm not worried too much about it.

[SKL]

I always tell my kids they need to prepare to have jobs that will pay well enough to support their lifestyles.  How could I do otherwise?  There are enough options in the USA that they can combine enjoyment with employment.

 

That said, I have told them they can live with me as long as they want, provided they are not obnoxious housemates.  I don't want them to "worry" about starving or being homeless.  But if they are anything like me, they will be eager to be independent as young adults.

[SKL]

My kids do see me spend a lot on travel though.  As an older mom, I don't feel I should wait until they are grown up to have my fun, so they get to come along for the ride.  Obviously it's not sustainable into independent young adulthood.  I explain to them that I can afford this (and also their extracurriculars and Lutheran school) because I was frugal about everything else / paid off my house and all bills early so I could have free cash.  They didn't see me in those years though.  Just hearing me talk about it probably sounds like "I walked 5 miles uphill both ways barefoot in the snow to get to school."

 

Because my situation is so different from my parents' was when I was a kid, I really don't have a model to follow.  I just do what feels right and hope for the best.

[prairiewindmomma]

Yes.  We've been very upfront with our children about some of the grim realities of growing up poor.  I've tried to show photos and talk about specific situations, but I think they really have no concept of the emotional weight that poverty carries.  That's ok.  

 

One of our consistent messages has been that our kids, with their specific medical needs, need to always have good medical insurance.  I worry that I am clipping their wings a bit, that perhaps they won't be as entrepreneurial or whatever as they would be independent of my messaging, but even now as adults with decent salaries, we've had our nest eggs totally ravaged by medical expenses WITH good insurance.

 

Another of my messages has always been to have not only money set aside, but a bit of food as well.  If the finances fall apart, at least they won't go to bed hungry.

 

We've also talked about corporate benefits. My mother just took her first full week of vacation in her entire adult life this past year.  When she got on an airplane to fly home (we covered the ticket), the kids and I discussed on the way home about paid v. unpaid vacation.  When you work in a job with unpaid vacation, you have to save salary in advance to be able to afford to take off work.  My mother is of retirement age, but unable to retire financially.....so while all of her friends are retired, she's still working 50 hours a week and rarely has more than 2 days off in a row.

 

I wish I could send our children happily off into the adult world, but I feel more like I am girding them for battle, iykwim.

 

 

[gardenmom5]

my parents used to fight about money all the time - then my father died when I turned 12 and we were below the poverty line - in a very middle/upper-middle class area.  dh's father died when he was 20.  went from a two-income to no income family.  (in an era of one-income families.)  neither of our mothers could handle money to save their lives and constantly spent more than they took in (my grandmother was always bailing out my mom.  dh took over his mother's finances, for the good of the younger kids and to get them all through college, and having to fight her.)  - no matter the damage that did to their children.

 

my kids know how to manage money, which  may be even more important than a degree . . . and even my one spendthrift kid - has learned a lot of self-control and to be realistic and thoughtful about spending.

 

I pushed my kids to degrees that make a decent living.  you can't pursue your dreams if you can't pay your bills.   while money isn't everything, not enough is incredibly stressful when you don't know how you'll make your next mortgage payment (let alone grocery shopping) - or pay for that broken bone.

 

I have a child with a classics degree.  (what are you going to do with that?  mother, don't bother me with details)   I used to console myself it would make a great undergrad.   I used to suggest she consider contract law - as she loves nuance.  (and latin was her favorite language.)  she does computers, it's more applicable than you'd think.   and pretty sure she makes more than my pharmacist dd.

 

I also pushed my dds to get an education that makes a decent living because husbands lose their job.  husbands can't work.  they die.  husbands leave their wives with kids.  and - not all women get married, so why should they live a low income life?  1dd is single - but she has a good income and can afford to live in our high col area.

 

dsil grew up in an upper middle class family.  it's hysterical to listen to him.  (i really do love my dsil.)  their only debt is their mortgage.  their discretionary income = our entire income.  (it was all posted on the wall in their office while I was there.)    he freaks becasue he's never felt so poor/broke. . . . dd just smiles, because she's never felt so rich.

[Reefgazer]

It certainly does.  My number one priority for my kids is that they be able to support themselves financially and not be dependent on anyone for their support.  I drum this into their heads all the time, and I tell them that the way to greatly reduce the likelihood that they live in poverty is to finish their education, get married before they have children, and to stay married.

Edited January 18, 2018 by reefgazer