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Divorce folks, I need your help


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#151 wilrunner

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 09:50 PM

I have to delay because I have very little proof of anything and it just looks like a clear cut case of a lazy and neglectful mother right now. :'( besides feeding my kids, which wasnt easy due to special diets, he took all my time and energy.

 

I have no experience with divorce or abuse, but the highlighted part sounds like your husband has you brainwashed. He likely uses that same statement over and over to describe you, convincing you that's what you are. But what you've told the women here who here is enough for them to tell you to get an attorney. You don't hear them telling you you're lazy and neglectful. Your words on this forum don't sound like a lazy or neglectful mother, they sound like someone who has some things she needs to do to get out of an abusive marriage. Don't believe what he tells you; do what you need to do.


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#152 elegantlion

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 10:05 PM

He is being reasonable now. Giving me time... the kids do very little school sporadically and stay up all night very often. I'm trying to change that but it's incredibly hard with our health problems. We have doctor appointments every week not counting counseling.

Reality. It's hard. So hard. He is acting like we aren't splitting at all. And it just seems like I have no choice again. I start thinking that this life is purgatory, and at this point I no longer care. I dont want more refining. I just want relief and I dont care what form it comes in.

I cried so much last night that my eyes got swollen. They look like they are infected now. And I'm supposed to pull myself together and do more now than I was able to before. It's so so hard. Maybe knowing about women's rights is a bad thing. Because reality is reality. Some of us really do have to be sex slaves to survive. Then again, that was breaking me too.

 

Do not believe this. You are tired and hurting, but you are not destined to a life of purgatory just because this is your current reality. 


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#153 texasmom33

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 10:23 PM

I have to delay because I have very little proof of anything and it just looks like a clear cut case of a lazy and neglectful mother right now. :'( besides feeding my kids, which wasnt easy due to special diets, he took all my time and energy.

 

You're married- not separated, not divorced. There's no custody agreement. You both have equal custody at this point,  in which case he shares just as much credit/blame of any scenario with the kids right now as you are. He can't turn around and call you neglectful if he's been there acquiescing to it the entire time. Does that make sense? He doesn't get to make that accusation. 

 

I also wouldn't worry about proof. I'd let my attorney worry about proof after my kids and I were out and safe. In all likelihood your definition of proof is going to vary from what the legal aspects of it are anyway. I would try and focus on putting one foot in front of the other right now and take it one step at a time. I know you are tired of hearing this, but step one is tending to your kids and yourself for basic needs and safety and step two immediately thereafter is finding an attorney. 

 

You are in an emotionally draining cycle that is not going to end until you step out. 

 

I'm so sorry, and although I wasn't in a situation like yours, I do know that simply being in a bad marriage is trying and exhausting, much less being in an abusive one- I can't even imagine. But don't give up. And don't sell yourself short and consign yourself to a prison before you've even explored more options. 

 

Please don't give up. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. 

 

:grouphug:


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#154 Catwoman

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 02:20 AM

I have to delay because I have very little proof of anything and it just looks like a clear cut case of a lazy and neglectful mother right now. :'( besides feeding my kids, which wasnt easy due to special diets, he took all my time and energy.


You don't have to delay. You don't need proof of anything right now.

You need an attorney.

Please be honest with us. Do you really want to get out of your marriage? Because based on your posts, I'm not sure you do. If you want to remain in the marriage, that's your decision and we will respect that, but I wish you would level with us because it seems like you complain about your dh, but then you immediately backpedal as soon as people give you specific advice on how to proceed toward a divorce.

I feel very badly for you because you seem very unhappy, but I'm not sure how to respond to your posts because I can't figure out what you really want.

#155 Rosie_0801

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 02:38 AM

You don't have to delay. You don't need proof of anything right now.

You need an attorney.

Please be honest with us. Do you really want to get out of your marriage? Because based on your posts, I'm not sure you do. If you want to remain in the marriage, that's your decision and we will respect that, but I wish you would level with us because it seems like you complain about your dh, but then you immediately backpedal as soon as people give you specific advice on how to proceed toward a divorce.

I feel very badly for you because you seem very unhappy, but I'm not sure how to respond to your posts because I can't figure out what you really want.

 

I understand where you are coming from, Cat, but you're asking a very unreasonable question. 

 

If you don't know what support to give, it is perfectly reasonable not to respond with anything more than a huggy smilie.



#156 Jean in Newcastle

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 02:53 AM

You don't have to delay. You don't need proof of anything right now.

You need an attorney.

Please be honest with us. Do you really want to get out of your marriage? Because based on your posts, I'm not sure you do. If you want to remain in the marriage, that's your decision and we will respect that, but I wish you would level with us because it seems like you complain about your dh, but then you immediately backpedal as soon as people give you specific advice on how to proceed toward a divorce.

I feel very badly for you because you seem very unhappy, but I'm not sure how to respond to your posts because I can't figure out what you really want.


If you’ve never been in a DV situation then you aren’t going to understand.
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#157 kiwik

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 04:03 AM

I suspect she wants to leave but sometimes even a bad situation seems better than the unknown. Better the devil you know etc. And of course you always feel guilty that you can't fix it.
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#158 Carol in Cal.

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 09:25 AM

Out of the frying pan, into the fire is a reasonable risk to assess.  It has nothing to do with what someone *really* wants.  It has everything to do with what someone can reasonably expect.


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#159 emmaluv+2more

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 09:29 AM

This is an extremely scarey thing to confront, and if you’ve never faced a situation like this, in which you fear for the future itself and the possible loss of your children, then you simply cannot judge.

Joyce, I hope you find your path and your peace soon. I no longer know what advice to offer, but you do still have my support.
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#160 LucyStoner

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 12:59 PM

You don't have to delay. You don't need proof of anything right now.

You need an attorney.

Please be honest with us. Do you really want to get out of your marriage? Because based on your posts, I'm not sure you do. If you want to remain in the marriage, that's your decision and we will respect that, but I wish you would level with us because it seems like you complain about your dh, but then you immediately backpedal as soon as people give you specific advice on how to proceed toward a divorce.

I feel very badly for you because you seem very unhappy, but I'm not sure how to respond to your posts because I can't figure out what you really want.

Leaving a DV situation is the most dangerous time of a DV situation. Life and death danger. We can’t presume know what she can safely do or not. Stress, trauma and fear can be a crippling trifecta.

This isn’t like talking to someone who is unhappy in their marriage or upset because their spouse cheated. This is someone who has been raped, financially abused and probably more than she is even ready to openly talk about. Her kids have at best witnessed abuse and more likely than not have been abused.

Unless you have specific understanding of DV, your comments can be very harmful.

Edited by LucyStoner, 01 February 2018 - 01:05 PM.

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#161 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:13 PM

Thank you all. I have an appointment with an attorney but I'm so nervous. It is at 4pm on a Thursday. I have to lie about where I am going. It's downtown. I'm afraid I will get lost and he will definitely know where I am. I am going to say it's group therapy. (It's at a women's shelter.)

He saw that I called a lawyers intake line 2 weeks ago and freaked out on me. Demanding to know if I had a lawyer and the details. Called me a liar saying that I agreed to doing this without lawyers... and I might. I know that there are no assets. We filed for bankruptcy 18 months ago and I did the paperwork. He gets paid cash occasionally but only a few hundred dollars here and there. Nothing major. And right now He is working with me... at least allowing me time, buying my medicine, and a computer so I can start a work from home job.

There was a 9am appointment as well but the kids and I typically sleep until 12. I dont think I can make that one. I'm less likely to have to lie about that one though so idk.
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#162 Arctic Mama

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:27 PM

I’m praying for the appointment to go well! Have you thought about trying to purchase a cheap tracfone from Walmart for any legal calls? They tend to run under $20 and I know money is tight but if he is watching all call logs it’s prudent to have one and hide it in the bottom of a food box he doesn’t eat or in a seasonal dish or pot in a cupboard, you know?

That also gives you a safe phone to call for help from that he doesn’t know about, and a place for your legal help to leave messages he won’t intercept. Setting up a new gmail account and possibly a PO box would be wise if you can swing it too. Are you usually able to intercept the mail before he does?

Edited by Arctic Mama, 01 February 2018 - 01:29 PM.

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#163 LucyStoner

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:29 PM

Take the kids with you to the lawyer if you can. Try not to leave them in his care because you don’t want him to have them if he finds out where you are and freaks out.

Have you given any thought to going to a family shelter with the kids?
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#164 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:33 PM

I have a hope phone from my advocate. ^-^

We were in a shelter and had to leave because of my daughter's health issues. She had lost 8 lbs and they wouldn't let her eat off schedule.
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#165 Arctic Mama

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:35 PM

I have a hope phone from my advocate. ^-^

We were in a shelter and had to leave because of my daughter's health issues. She had lost 8 lbs and they wouldn't let her eat off schedule.

Oh good! That’s one thing you don’t have to worry about then.

I’m sorry your daughter’s issues make this even more challenging.

Edited by Arctic Mama, 01 February 2018 - 01:36 PM.

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#166 Liz CA

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:37 PM

Just wanted to say he is behaving very typical of someone who is abusive and controlling but does not want to lose anything or anybody. It is a very conflicted state. Very "textbook" for someone like that to quickly offer to pay for all kinds of things you need or want. It is at best a temporary state of things but you know that already since you are living it.    :grouphug:

 

Hope you get lots of encouragement from the attorney. Please stay in touch with friends. You sound like you lost all confidence in yourself which is not surprising given the circumstances. Once you have an attorney handling the legal side, you could use some friends around you. Don't allow him to isolate you!! Go to meetings at the women's shelter, church groups, wherever you feel comfortable and stay in community with other women.

  


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#167 Liz CA

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:39 PM

I have a hope phone from my advocate. ^-^

We were in a shelter and had to leave because of my daughter's health issues. She had lost 8 lbs and they wouldn't let her eat off schedule.

 

 

And he does not know you have this phone?


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#168 LucyStoner

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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:48 PM

I have a hope phone from my advocate. ^-^

We were in a shelter and had to leave because of my daughter's health issues. She had lost 8 lbs and they wouldn't let her eat off schedule.


Are there any other shelters? Here the family shelters offer private rooms and access to a kitchen where you cook and prepare your own meals. What does your advocate/case manager have to say about shelter options.

It sounds to me like he doesn’t have a lot of financial resources. He may not be able to fight a temporary protective order very well.
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#169 Tsuga

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 12:33 AM

I have a hope phone from my advocate. ^-^

We were in a shelter and had to leave because of my daughter's health issues. She had lost 8 lbs and they wouldn't let her eat off schedule.

 

I am so sorry to hear that.

 

That said, would they possibly accept a doctor's note, or a note from a social worker?

 

I know it's so hard, but you have to fight. You are going to have to keep fighting for a while. Fighting and fleeing. It is incredibly difficult and he will always question you because that's the easiest way to control you and that's his only way to feel powerful, to feel strength. But you have strength inside you for your kids.

 

And you are going to fight like you've never fought for your kids. Now you have someone who's helping a bit, with a phone, with advice. They can't do it for you though. Start asking them:

 

"How do I fight for an attorney? How do I fight for shelter?" Special food privileges, a better shelter, a faster lawyer, a restraining order. You will have to fight. But I believe in you. I believe you are strong enough to fight for your kids.

 

I could have n ever done it for myself but I did it for my kids. And you can, too.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  You are not the first and you will not be the last. You are going to turn into a survivor. I know you can do it. I promise you. So many people helped me in real life, but I had to get out there and I had to start fighting. You have started your journey and you are strong enough--don't turn back now!


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#170 Rosie_0801

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 02:08 AM

Thank you all. I have an appointment with an attorney but I'm so nervous. It is at 4pm on a Thursday. I have to lie about where I am going. It's downtown. I'm afraid I will get lost and he will definitely know where I am. I am going to say it's group therapy. (It's at a women's shelter.)

He saw that I called a lawyers intake line 2 weeks ago and freaked out on me. Demanding to know if I had a lawyer and the details. Called me a liar saying that I agreed to doing this without lawyers... and I might. I know that there are no assets. We filed for bankruptcy 18 months ago and I did the paperwork. He gets paid cash occasionally but only a few hundred dollars here and there. Nothing major. And right now He is working with me... at least allowing me time, buying my medicine, and a computer so I can start a work from home job.

There was a 9am appointment as well but the kids and I typically sleep until 12. I dont think I can make that one. I'm less likely to have to lie about that one though so idk.

 

No! "I might do without lawyers" is a lie you tell him if it seems a good idea at the time.



#171 texasmom33

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 08:46 AM

No! "I might do without lawyers" is a lie you tell him if it seems a good idea at the time.

 

Agreed. Attorneys get a bad rap and people push the idea that things would be so much more simple without them, but when it comes to divorce, you don't simply need help with the paperwork. You need someone who is advocating for you and who will tell you that your husband is lying, or manipulating you or something else. It is very helpful to have someone outside of the echo chamber- someone that will tell you you aren't being selfish. And that it doesn't make you a horrible person to look out for yourself and your kids, regardless of the shrieks you will hear from your husband when you start to do exactly that. 

 

And on a practical front, it is helpful to have someone who knows what to do when your soon-to-be-ex refuses to sign something. Or keeps losing the paperwork. Or finds a million other stall tactics because that's what guys like him do. 

 

You need a trained advocate to go to battle for you over this because from the sounds of it you need to garner every other ounce of energy you have just to get out and survive. There are very few things you're dealing with that can be outsourced at the moment, and getting unshackled from this guy is the most important one that can if you are ready to take that step. 


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#172 Alessandra

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 09:09 AM

I have to delay because I have very little proof of anything and it just looks like a clear cut case of a lazy and neglectful mother right now. :'( besides feeding my kids, which wasnt easy due to special diets, he took all my time and energy.


I wanted to make two comments. First, divorce proceedings are not like episodes of law and order in terms of standards of proof. So proof may not have to be a major worry. And, iirc, all states now have no fault divorce, either as an option or as the only path.

Second, dh may try to make you feel like a bad mother so that he can fight for custody of the children. But it is not uncommon for one spouse to fight for sole custody only as a bargaining chip -- to make you give up other things.

Obviously, attorney. And I see you have an advocate, good. Have you checked to see if there is any other help -- counseling, groups -- through your county social services? A DV hotline would have that info.
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#173 Scarlett

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 09:18 AM

I wanted to make two comments. First, divorce proceedings are not like episodes of law and order in terms of standards of proof. So proof may not have to be a major worry. And, iirc, all states now have no fault divorce, either as an option or as the only path.

Second, dh may try to make you feel like a bad mother so that he can fight for custody of the children. But it is not uncommon for one spouse to fight for sole custody only as a bargaining chip -- to make you give up other things.

Obviously, attorney. And I see you have an advocate, good. Have you checked to see if there is any other help -- counseling, groups -- through your county social services? A DV hotline would have that info.

Exactly. Especially when there is not a lot of cash or resources to fight it out in court things will often progress right on through. Judges really don't care about so many things that abusive husbands try to frighten their wives with. Sometimes in these cases if you can just say, 'if we can't work it out we will just let the judge decide'....and show no fear of the outcome.....sometimes once the abusive person realizes they have lost their power they will just fold and be reasonable. I know this is not a guarantee because there are some who just won't quit.....so ymmv.

((((Hugs)))))

Edited by Scarlett, 02 February 2018 - 11:55 AM.

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#174 bolt.

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 09:31 AM

...
And right now He is working with me... at least allowing me time, buying my medicine, and a computer so I can start a work from home job.
...

I want to zero in on your thinking here. You have called this "working with me" but what it really is should be called "abusing me less and manipulating me".

You are saying, "Habitually, he fully controls all of my time, but recently his control includes a few breaks where I get to make my own choices. He only lets me do that sometimes."

You are saying, "Habitually, he abuses me by denying me medication that I need, but recently he has decided to temporarily pause that particular form of ongoing abuse. It feels like a privilege to me because he wants me to think of it as a gift, and I have been conditioned to believe him."

You are saying, "Right now, it's hard for me to fully care for and educate my kids the way I want to. It's a source of insecurity that makes me hesitate to seek divorce. He has decided that I should spend some of my time earning money too, which will reduce his obligations to me if we divorce, and contribute to his ability to hurt me through criticism if we stay together. But there's a computer, which would be nice to have. I think we will do this his way, because I have been conditioned to be sn agreeable and compliant wife. I'm sometimes agreeable and compliant because I fear his anger, but sometimes it's because I'm just used to it. It's hard to have my own perspective -- it's easier just to have his."
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#175 OneStepAtATime

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 09:57 AM

:grouphug:

 

You are no longer able to think or see clearly.  That is not your fault.  He has isolated and controlled and manipulated you for so long that it has changed the way your brain processes.  You need an outside perspective.  You need to interact with the outside world and see just how off the situation is.  It can be so hard to maintain a realistic view when years and years of manipulation and abuse, that probably started out quite subtle, slowly wore you down and altered your brain's perception of things.  Couple that with health issues that sap your mental and physical energy and it becomes nearly impossible.   You are the frog in the pot of cold water that got slowly heated up, not the frog that got dumped into a kettle of boiling water.  His actions and choices are wrong.  They are dangerous.  You have rights he is not respecting.  You CAN change the path you are on but it is going to take a leap of faith and a willingness to go through some tough times and you absolutely need outside perspective.  I totally understand second guessing things while he is treating you a bit better.  What a relief!  I get it.  But this won't last and it isn't even remotely enough.  You should be partners, not slave and master.  You don't have to live like this.

 

Bottom line, he does not have the right to do the things he is doing to you.  Period.  Keep holding that in your mind.  You deserve better.  You do have the right to seek a better life.  100%.  And you CAN.  You can.  The temporary change in his actions is only that, temporary.   You deserve even better treatment, though, and this won't last.  He is buying time because you are potentially gaining some control when he had had all the control.  He doesn't want to lose that control so he has created the illusion that he is changing and trying to make things better.  It is only an illusion. 

 

I wish I could scoop up you and the kids and take you somewhere far far away, give you all a chance to breathe and think.  It can help so much to regain some equilibrium and a clearer perspective when you can get away to breathe and think.

 

Talk to the lawyer.  Do not cancel that appointment.  And maybe try to meet up with a DV group if you can.  Get support and feedback from others who have gone through this.  And keep posting here.  Let people here be a lifeline, especially if you can't find anything locally.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:


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#176 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 11:47 AM

My state is a no fault state. No alimony. Only temporary spousal maintence that would require loads of proof that its needed. Even if I could get it I'm not sure he can afford it.

The child support calculator only changes by about $75 a month no matter how drastically I change my income.

Edited by Joyce Gripe, 02 February 2018 - 11:48 AM.


#177 Scarlett

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 12:05 PM

My state is a no fault state. No alimony. Only temporary spousal maintence that would require loads of proof that its needed. Even if I could get it I'm not sure he can afford it.

The child support calculator only changes by about $75 a month no matter how drastically I change my income.

You need an attorney. An attorney will subpoena his income records....and some men who will lie to their wife about income will not lie to a court.

Here is what I told myself when going through a divorce......the judge may not give me one dime more than what xh is offering....but it will be the JUDGE making the decision about my life . NOT my (now) XH.

I didn't get everything I asked for. But certainly got more than xh offered.

Edited by Scarlett, 02 February 2018 - 01:11 PM.

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#178 Rosie_0801

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 12:08 PM

The guy is probably still freaking out that you're going to report him to the police. It's called sucking up, not working with you.



#179 Scarlett

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 12:08 PM

My state is a no fault state. No alimony. Only temporary spousal maintence that would require loads of proof that its needed. Even if I could get it I'm not sure he can afford it.

The child support calculator only changes by about $75 a month no matter how drastically I change my income.


What do you mean by 'loads of proof'? Is that husbands words or words of any attorney? I mean, you are a SAHM with a special needs child. You had to leave a shelter because of your child's dietary needs.......

If you tell us what you mean by 'loads' of proof we might can help you think it through. .
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#180 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 05:49 PM

It was the first attorney I called. He said we'd need proof of my and my daughter's disability by calling witnesses (which I don't have, we're isolated) which would be unlikely and cost thousands more.

What do you mean by 'loads of proof'? Is that husbands words or words of any attorney? I mean, you are a SAHM with a special needs child. You had to leave a shelter because of your child's dietary needs.......

If you tell us what you mean by 'loads' of proof we might can help you think it through. .


Edited by Joyce Gripe, 02 February 2018 - 05:50 PM.


#181 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 05:56 PM

That's fine as long as it continues LOL

The guy is probably still freaking out that you're going to report him to the police. It's called sucking up, not working with you.


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#182 Tsuga

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 06:16 PM

 Judges really don't care about so many things that abusive husbands try to frighten their wives with. Sometimes in these cases if you can just say, 'if we can't work it out we will just let the judge decide'....and show no fear of the outcome.....sometimes once the abusive person realizes they have lost their power they will just fold and be reasonable. 

 

Other than the "fold and be reasonable" part (I would say, they will give up because they know they can't win), this is so true. It works. And it works for women, too! I know a woman who kept threatining this crap. Finally he said "you know what? Let's just see what the judge says." It works, because while there are horrible judges, most of the time, they do side with the person who does not come across like a used car salesman in court.

 

I would not worry about alimony.Even if you got alimony, he could just not pay it and even if you sued him he could just go to jail. Many men do! As bizarre as it may sound, working for money is so much more liberating and easy than working for an abusive husband.

 

I understand your family's decision to have a SAHM, but as a single parent, you'll need to figure out a creative solution. Do you have parents you can move towards? Could you do in-home daycare?

 

What is the disability that is hard to prove, or a better question would be: if the disability is hard to prove, is that because you haven't had evaluations? Did you know you can get those paid for by the public school system?


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#183 Tsuga

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 06:17 PM

That's fine as long as it continues LOL

 

Don't worry, it won't. As soon as you relax, he'll start again.


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#184 texasmom33

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 06:22 PM

My state is a no fault state. No alimony. Only temporary spousal maintence that would require loads of proof that its needed. Even if I could get it I'm not sure he can afford it.

The child support calculator only changes by about $75 a month no matter how drastically I change my income.

 

I don't know what state you're in, but I live in a no-fault state too that technically has no alimony. However, if you've been a stay at home mom or spouse for more than 7 years (I think that's the # here) all bets are off and you CAN definitely get maintenance and in some cases years of maintenance. I've seen it happen with my dh's co-workers. There doesn't have to be fault on either side. There just has to be the case of a woman giving up her career to stay home with kids.

 

I always thought hearing we were a no alimony state meant exactly that, but turns out there are caveats. My point is, don't trust "common wisdom" on how it works, because here are usually exceptions and loopholes. I've no way to know, but I'm guessing your state probably has something similar. 

 

As for the amount he can afford- is he purposely underemployed right now? If he is, there are carrots and sticks the court can apply on that end as well. 


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#185 Scarlett

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 06:33 PM

I don't know what state you're in, but I live in a no-fault state too that technically has no alimony. However, if you've been a stay at home mom or spouse for more than 7 years (I think that's the # here) all bets are off and you CAN definitely get maintenance and in some cases years of maintenance. I've seen it happen with my dh's co-workers. There doesn't have to be fault on either side. There just has to be the case of a woman giving up her career to stay home with kids.

 

I always thought hearing we were a no alimony state meant exactly that, but turns out there are caveats. My point is, don't trust "common wisdom" on how it works, because here are usually exceptions and loopholes. I've no way to know, but I'm guessing your state probably has something similar. 

 

As for the amount he can afford- is he purposely underemployed right now? If he is, there are carrots and sticks the court can apply on that end as well. 

 

 

 I found this to be to true. My XH was sooooo sure he wouldn't have to pay alimony.  He was wrong.


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#186 Alessandra

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 06:45 PM

It was the first attorney I called. He said we'd need proof of my and my daughter's disability by calling witnesses (which I don't have, we're isolated) which would be unlikely and cost thousands more.


I'd be interested in what others think, but the witnesses requirement sounds odd to me, as many divorces reach the settlement stage through meetings of the parties and their attorneys, rather than in court with witness testimony. (One reason people try to avoid court, if at all possible, is that attorneys have to be paid for sitting about waiting for case's turn.)

Or is this a case where dh says that a disability does not exist? I can see how that would complicate things.

Do you have medical records that would support a diagnosis? Usually, if you have a doctor visit or get a prescription, there is a diagnosis. If you have insurance that is.... or do you not have medical insurance?

I am sorry for what you are going through.
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#187 Seasider

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 07:17 PM

It was the first attorney I called. He said we'd need proof of my and my daughter's disability by calling witnesses (which I don't have, we're isolated) which would be unlikely and cost thousands more.


Has your disability not been documented by a medical professional? That seems essential. What do witnesses have to do with it?
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#188 maize

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 07:17 PM

Doctor letters might be enough evidence of disability.

You know, it might be worth contacting a disability lawyer if medical needs are severe. The lawyers who handle social security disability cases usually work on a contingency basis and only get paid if benefits are awarded.

I think it might be worthwhile to look into this for your daughter at least.
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#189 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 07:36 PM

Actually she is less disabled than she was. She is able to cook for herself most of the time now.

I am also less disabled than I was because I am on a lot of herbal medication.

We just got insurance and have doctors appointments every week. I do have diagnosis but they are 10 and 20 years back.

#190 Tsuga

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 10:09 PM

The length of time since diagnosis would not necessarily invalidate it.

 

The important thing here is that you need to get away from your husband being the only person who decides what you can and cannot do. You need to go through that process with a doctor, with the school, and possibly with a disability insurance lawyer. Then you will have a whole team of people helping. That's what we're here for, we in society. To help out. Now, they might say "you could at least work for half the normal income." Okay, we have programs to help you get work (even posted in this thread). But your husband will always want you dependent on his opinion: You can't work, oh look you are lazy.

 

Right now, you are used to your husband determining what you can and can't do. In the future, you need to decide and you can reach out to many people to help. You will do your best to be your best, and you will apply for the disability insurance and other state benefits that we as a society have decided you have a right to. And if that's enough to survive for half the month, let us know: many people earn livings from home, doing technical writing, home day care, all kinds of things.


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#191 Catwoman

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 10:12 PM

Yes I can communicate with Carol. I have a church. My pastor is good moral support. I have a case manager and a therapist. I don't really have friends or family.

It was the first attorney I called. He said we'd need proof of my and my daughter's disability by calling witnesses (which I don't have, we're isolated) which would be unlikely and cost thousands more.

Actually she is less disabled than she was. She is able to cook for herself most of the time now.
I am also less disabled than I was because I am on a lot of herbal medication.
We just got insurance and have doctors appointments every week. I do have diagnosis but they are 10 and 20 years back.


I know you have mentioned a few times that you are isolated, but if you have a pastor, a church, a case manager, and a therapist, and you also have doctors’ appointments every week, I think you may have more support (and witnesses) than you realize.

Have you asked these people for help, advice, or support? Can you ask any of them to attest to your character and your abilities as a mom if your husband tries to make you appear negligent or incompetent?

I also agree with others who have already suggested that you ask the doctors to document your disabilities, as well as your daughter’s disabilities.

Edited by Catwoman, 02 February 2018 - 10:14 PM.

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#192 IfIOnly

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 04:42 AM

:grouphug:  I'm glad you got involved with this thread and for the support and care you've received from this group. The only help I can offer that hasn't been mentioned is suggesting you look into a vocational rehab office near you. They help people with physical limitations find jobs. Even if you don't want employment exactly right now, they will help with getting the medical records you need to document your disability and then you'll also be set up and know the process and have help for when/if you do go back to work. I've found it to be a very supportive place.   :grouphug:


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#193 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 08:01 PM

Thank you so much. I'm working on it. 🤗

Just wanted to say he is behaving very typical of someone who is abusive and controlling but does not want to lose anything or anybody. It is a very conflicted state. Very "textbook" for someone like that to quickly offer to pay for all kinds of things you need or want. It is at best a temporary state of things but you know that already since you are living it. :grouphug:

Hope you get lots of encouragement from the attorney. Please stay in touch with friends. You sound like you lost all confidence in yourself which is not surprising given the circumstances. Once you have an attorney handling the legal side, you could use some friends around you. Don't allow him to isolate you!! Go to meetings at the women's shelter, church groups, wherever you feel comfortable and stay in community with other women.



#194 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 08:05 PM

I see my pastor very rarely. Just started because of this. Doctors appointments just started as well. I've met with my case manager 3 times. My therapist 4 times. None of whom have met my daughter. Thank you

I know you have mentioned a few times that you are isolated, but if you have a pastor, a church, a case manager, and a therapist, and you also have doctors’ appointments every week, I think you may have more support (and witnesses) than you realize.

Have you asked these people for help, advice, or support? Can you ask any of them to attest to your character and your abilities as a mom if your husband tries to make you appear negligent or incompetent?

I also agree with others who have already suggested that you ask the doctors to document your disabilities, as well as your daughter’s disabilities.



#195 Joyce Gripe

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 08:08 PM

Okay I will try asking about that

:grouphug: I'm glad you got involved with this thread and for the support and care you've received from this group. The only help I can offer that hasn't been mentioned is suggesting you look into a vocational rehab office near you. They help people with physical limitations find jobs. Even if you don't want employment exactly right now, they will help with getting the medical records you need to document your disability and then you'll also be set up and know the process and have help for when/if you do go back to work. I've found it to be a very supportive place. :grouphug:


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#196 IfIOnly

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 08:49 PM

Okay I will try asking about that


Try searching online for vocational rehabilitation + your city's name or a couple of nearby cities' names. Hopefully something comes up.
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#197 Catwoman

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 11:50 PM

I see my pastor very rarely. Just started because of this. Doctors appointments just started as well. I've met with my case manager 3 times. My therapist 4 times. None of whom have met my daughter. Thank you


I’m sorry if I misunderstood you, Joyce.

When you said in an earlier post that you had your church and that your pastor was good moral support, I assumed that you attended church regularly, and when you said you had a case manager and a therapist, I thought you meant that they were trying to help you. I also read your post about the weekly doctors appointments and didn’t realize that those were a new thing.

Here’s a suggestion, though — contact those people. Your pastor and the people at your church may be very willing to help you. The case manager and the therapist should be able to offer some assistance as well. And the weekly doctors appointments will provide the opportunity to make another valuable connection and to make another ally.

No one will help you if you don’t contact them and let them know what’s going on. It’s great when people come right out and offer their help and support, but most of the time, you need to ask them. I know it’s difficult, but in your situation, I think you should get up your nerve and start approaching people. Start with the people you have already mentioned — your pastor, case manager, therapist, and doctors, and go from there.

When is your appointment with the lawyer? I know you mentioned that it’s on a Thursday, but I wasn’t sure if it was this coming Thursday. I hope it is, and I also hope the lawyer turns out to be excellent!
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#198 abacus2

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Posted 05 February 2018 - 10:45 AM

I recommend meeting with more lawyers. If you walk away feeling discouraged from a first meeting, that isn't the lawyer for you. Court isn't a perfect instrument, but you absolutely can walk away from your abusive marriage and the right lawyer can help you in that fight, not discourage you by telling you all the things you won't get.


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#199 Joyce Gripe

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Posted Yesterday, 10:20 AM

I had my meeting with legal aid. It was anticlimactic. Hopefully I hear back in 3 weeks.

Question: if I get a lot of child support and spousal support now, can't he just take me back to court to get it reduced?

#200 Carol in Cal.

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Posted Yesterday, 10:53 AM

I had my meeting with legal aid. It was anticlimactic. Hopefully I hear back in 3 weeks.

Question: if I get a lot of child support and spousal support now, can't he just take me back to court to get it reduced?

The rules around this vary from state to state.

 

Out here, unless there is a change in circumstances, I don't think this is easy to do more often than annually.  Plus the public attorneys often take on the legal defense of the custodial parent in child support situations, making it free for her but not for him (something I find unfair, but there you have it.)