I want to be a better conversationalist

[Guinevere]

Tips?  Topic ideas?  Book suggestions?

 

Thank you!

[Rosie_0801]

In what area do you think you are deficient?

[regentrude]

Can you specify what you mean by that?

Do you lack ideas what to talk about? Or don't have enough subject knowledge to respond to topics somebody else brings up? Too shy to talk to strangers?

 

I find the best way to be a good conversationalist is to converse frequently and extensively with all kinds of people.

Ask them a question and listen.

[KrissiK]

Ask them a question and listen.

I find this to be extremely effective. Generally, if it’s someone I don’t know that well, I will start off with, “so, what is keeping you busy?†And then go on from there.

[Guinevere]

In what area do you think you are deficient?    

 

I think I'm not very good about coming up with new topics, or thinking of different ways to ask follow on questions.  Part of it is probably being taught as a child not to be nosey.  If someone wants to tell you something, they'll tell you, was sort of the thinking.  Part of is that I'm a really goal-oriented person, and inefficiency drives me crazy.  I want to be solving or fixing something, but those are delicate conversations, and not ones everyone wants to be having all the time.  If they are relational or emotional problems, well, that's no fun at a party, you know?  And if it is a more concrete thing, usually people just want to vent, not have you actually take apart their broken bicycle, or whatever.  

 

So I think I need some ways to keep a conversation going longer on a neutral, or even better, amusing topic.  I don't know.  I just feel like I need to study this for a while and figure out what it is I don't know, if that makes sense.

[Guinevere]

Maybe I need to spend some time really thinking about the people in my current circle, and thinking up a handful of questions and curiosities so I am more ready.  I tend to just react and deal the best I can with what is going on at the moment.

 

And what are interesting, yet safe, topics to discuss if your partner is the introverted quiet sort?  I know it's okay to just be in silence, but I'm saying in those moments where you really need to keep a conversation going for a few minutes, and you are going to be the one talking a little more by default. 

[KrissiK]

Are you talking about one on one conversations with a person, say at a party or a gathering? Or are you talking about being in a group of people discussing a subject?

[Guinevere]

Are you talking about one on one conversations with a person, say at a party or a gathering? Or are you talking about being in a group of people discussing a subject?

 

Both

[KrissiK]

Both

Well, I think the “asking questionsâ€approach works best one-on-one. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. The “in a groupâ€thing, I have no idea. I usually just sit and listen, and nod my head.

[Garga]

https://smile.amazon.com/Art-Civilized-Conversation-Expressing-Yourself/dp/0767921690/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1512963109&sr=8-1&keywords=the+art+of+civilized+conversation

 

The Art of Civilized Conversation by Margaret Shepherd.

Edited December 11, 2017 by Garga

[Guinevere]

https://smile.amazon.com/Art-Civilized-Conversation-Expressing-Yourself/dp/0767921690/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1512963109&sr=8-1&keywords=the+art+of+civilized+conversation

 

The Art of Civilized Conversation by Margaret Shepherd.

Just bought! Thank you!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I find out people’s interests. My family jokes that I interview people but they don’t seem to mind. I’m genuinely interested in how A went to culinary school and how B went on a tour of skateboard parks (both real examples).

 

If I already know something about someone (like A’s interest in cooking) I will tell them an amusing anecdote of my latest cooking disaster. My teens assist in this by saying “Hey, Mom, tell A about how the dog ran off with your bbq ribs!â€

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Garga]

Yes, certainly asking questions. I've found that it's best to let someone fully and completely talk about a subject. Do not cut in with your own story. Let them have the floor for a good long while. Practice asking questions that keep them talking.

 

I've been thinking about getting a puppy.

NOT this: Oh, yes, me too! OR. No way! I'd hate to have a puppy!

YES this: Oh yeah? Why are you thinking that?

Well, I'd like the kids to have a dog to play with, but it's a lot of work.

Is it? How do you know? Have you had dogs before?

When I was a kid, but my mom did all the work, so...I'm not really sure if I'm ready to take on a dog.

Yeah, good point. What sort of work do you think it'll be?

(Person lists work)

What benefits would there be?

(Person lists benefits)

Etc.

 

Let them discuss the topic. Once they've had a long chance to talk, then you can give your thoughts on the subject. Too often, people cut each other off and stop a stream of conversation too early instead of exploring one person's thoughts at a time and getting deeper into the subject. The above was an off the cuff example just to show how to keep asking questions about the last thing the person said to keep the ball rolling. Most of the time people like to have a chance to do a lot of talking without interruption and changing their line of thought. See things through all the way to the end of a thought before switching gears to another line of thought.

Edited December 11, 2017 by Garga

[Rosie_0801]

I think I'm not very good about coming up with new topics, or thinking of different ways to ask follow on questions.  Part of it is probably being taught as a child not to be nosey.  If someone wants to tell you something, they'll tell you, was sort of the thinking.  Part of is that I'm a really goal-oriented person, and inefficiency drives me crazy.  I want to be solving or fixing something, but those are delicate conversations, and not ones everyone wants to be having all the time.  If they are relational or emotional problems, well, that's no fun at a party, you know?  And if it is a more concrete thing, usually people just want to vent, not have you actually take apart their broken bicycle, or whatever.  

 

So I think I need some ways to keep a conversation going longer on a neutral, or even better, amusing topic.  I don't know.  I just feel like I need to study this for a while and figure out what it is I don't know, if that makes sense.

 

It sounds like you need more reasons for conversing.

 

You read different books depending what you want out of that "conversation." A how-to book for problem solving, a fluffy romance if you're on a downer and need *someone* to live happily ever after, a classic or a recent publication for cultural literacy, etc.

[J-rap]

I've never liked talking about myself, except with my very closest friends.  But, I learned over time that many people are comfortable with that, so I've learned to ask a lot of questions!  (And, I usually really do like to hear what other people have to say.)  I used to think my questions had to be well thought through, but I've also learned that generally any ol' question will do, whatever pops into your head to keep the conversation flowing.  Just go with the last thing they said, and ask the first question that comes to mind -- whether you're interested or not, and whether it seems important or not.   The interesting thing is that once you start doing that, the conversation starts feeling more comfortable and then just starts going on its own.

[PeterPan]

I don't know how much breakdown you want, but this is stuff they teach explicitly in social thinking. Socialthinking - Articles  Here's an article on "add-a-thought" but Jean's suggestion is also covered by the ST people. They call it having a "people file"...

[Guinevere]

It sounds like you need more reasons for conversing.

 

You read different books depending what you want out of that "conversation." A how-to book for problem solving, a fluffy romance if you're on a downer and need *someone* to live happily ever after, a classic or a recent publication for cultural literacy, etc.

 

Would you mind explaining this more?  I don't think I understand?

[Rosie_0801]

Would you mind explaining this more?  I don't think I understand?

 

If you see the purpose of conversation as problem solving, you're going to seek to understand the problem and provide solutions.

 

If you see the purpose of conversation as bonding, you listen, agree that is the best/worst ever, and share relevant anecdotes from your own life.

 

If you see the purpose of conversation as wasting time because the line at the grocers is long and you're bored, you'll comment on other people's shopping with "Baking day, is it?" or "It looks like there's going to be a party at your house! What's the occasion?" or other such pleasantries that neither you nor the person speaking to will bother to remember.

 

If the purpose of the conversation is to make your nanna feel attended to, you'll say "Oh yes, I meant to ask about Elsie at the garden club's recovery" even if you didn't remember Elsie had a hip replacement done recently or that there ever was an Elsie at the garden club. 

[Cosmos]

And what are interesting, yet safe, topics to discuss if your partner is the introverted quiet sort?  I know it's okay to just be in silence, but I'm saying in those moments where you really need to keep a conversation going for a few minutes, and you are going to be the one talking a little more by default. 

 

I mostly like to keep the conversation by prompting the other people to talk. I don't like to share a lot of personal details from my life, and it sometimes takes me a long time to form my opinions. So I follow a lot of the advice above about asking people questions. I try to avoid asking about their jobs, just because I was not employed for so many years and it always felt awkward to me. I ask about hobbies or recent travels or where they grew up. This time of year I might ask about their family traditions at the holidays. People always seem to have interesting stories.

 

But I also try to keep in my back pocket some interesting thing I learned about recently. I didn't quite realize I did this until I was reading this thread, but I do. If I feel it's really my turn to contribute, I say, "Hey, I was reading an interesting article recently. Did you know that . . .?" Obviously, I avoid politics or controversial subjects unless I know the other person well! This week, I would probably talk about the guy who created a fake restaurant that got rated number 1 on TripAdvisor (google it -- crazy story!)

 

Often it prompts the other person to think of something related and the conversation is off and running again.

[Scarlett]

People do like to talk about themselves. I have a job that lends itself to people telling me stories. The other day I talked to a man who played professional baseball and retired from it in 1975. It was very interesting!

 

I had another business man tell me about his job and how he got it.....he was on vacation in Belize and witnessed an extreme act of kindness by the owner of the resort, so he found him later that day and asked him about it and the man told him an incredible story of the man he had helped earlier....anyway, I know that is convoluted but when the vacationing man got back to the states he emailed the resort owner and eventually he went to work for him.

[regentrude]

And what are interesting, yet safe, topics to discuss if your partner is the introverted quiet sort?  I know it's okay to just be in silence, but I'm saying in those moments where you really need to keep a conversation going for a few minutes, and you are going to be the one talking a little more by default. 

 

Depends on your conversation partner. If it's friends, there really are no "unsafe" topics.

 

If you just want to make superficial small talk, you can always talk about:

things happening in the community (Christmas concert, parade, construction)

things you experienced recently (I can always talk about our latest hike, climbing trip, choir concert, writing project) and ask about theirs,

books you have read and movies you have watched

stuff happening at work

joint acquaintances ("Have you heard from X recently?")

 

If you know each other well, you can talk about deeper issues: family problems, spiritual development, societal problems, world politics.

 

The people who are most fun to talk to are people who are passionate about something. It can be anything. People who get excited about their work or hobbies are fascinating conversation partners. What are YOU excited about? 

And the boring people are people who cannot muster enthusiasm for anything.

 

Edited December 11, 2017 by regentrude

[PeterPan]

I have a surprising number of introvert friends, and I think it's partly that they *like* that I ramble and make things happen. It's sort of easy for them and disarming, if a bit fatiguing. So if you feel secure in your relationship, maybe think back to good times and consider yourself accepted actually as you are, that maybe they aren't wanting you to try harder.

 

Also, some people really enjoy being together in silence. Like even doing things in parallel or drinking tea or reading in the same room or maybe rubbing feet. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I realized a number of years ago that I was a conversation hog and that just because I talked a lot didn't mean I was a good conversationalist. It meant I was annoying. I didn't want to be annoying anymore, at least not on *every* front--nor did I like that about myself, that it was always mememememe.

 

I didn't read a book (but the one above sounds interesting) but I watched my mom because SHE is a good conversationalist. And she was also an excellent journalist. Hmmmm. Maybe it has something to do with learning and listening and asking and not knowing and talking and telling....I thought.

 

So I set myself a task: I would talk to people and I would ask questions. It was really hard at first--everything worth doing takes practice, I guess. So I refined my rule. I would ask questions for 15 minutes before I would talk about myself at all. Then 20 minutes. Then 30 minutes. And by that time, I had learned to be interested in what the other person had to say, and to put myself in a proper place in the conversation.

 

I guess the thing I have learned through this exercise (and at least 5 other intentional exercises I have done through the years) is that you don't have to have your attitude fixed before you change your actions. That intentionally changing your actions can change your attitude, and where it doesn't, it will at least build better habits for you.

 

Still, sometimes, I end up going to a meeting/meet-up that makes me nervous...and when I am nervous I talk too much. So on the way to the meeting, I'll think of as many questions as I can that will keep the action in line with the attitude I want to acquire.

 

The thing I still have a hard time with is that I have a big bubble--questions that other people ask and are perfectly normal and good questions seem NOSY to me, and so I don't ask them, which leaves early relationships a little shallower than they probably need to be for a longer time.

 

Good for you, though! I think you will really enjoy your time with people more as you intentionally build this skill. :0)

Patty, I have always thought that you were a good conversationalist. I have enjoyed meeting you for lunch at Coho’s in the past. :)

 

I thought if this thread today as I got into a conversation with the owner of a small cafe that we like to frequent. Her story of how she came to open her restaurant was so interesting! And we got told about the “special menu†that is only for a chosen few. Anyway, it did require me to pluck up my courage and to ask if she was the owner but once I did so and then told her how much we appreciate her special gluten free cafe, we had a lovely chat where I was able to live vicariously through her passion for what she does.

[solascriptura]

I thin the best advice I can give is to be a good listener. Listen to why the other person says and ask questions about what they are saying.