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Book for those looking to adopt


stephanier.1765
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We adopted our children. I’m afraid I have no advice regarding books. We never read any books, just kind of went into it blindly, although we did have a good support group with other adoptive families. Everyone’s adoptive experience is so different, people go into it with all different sorts of expectations, etc. I wouldn’t say there is one “standard†way adoptions go.

Edited by KrissiK
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Two great books to have on hand for the kids (and also parents) are As Real As It Gets and My Very Own Aliens.

 

These are fun kids books that touch on some weight adoption issues but in a way kids can understand. They were written by my friend Amanda Barton and her 3 adopted kids.

 

www.westolivepress.com is the cheapest way to find them but Amazon also has them if you have a discount from there.

 

A local support group is invaluable as well in finding local resources.

 

Are they doing older international? Transracial? Foster care? Private? Special Needs?

 

We adopted our 3.

Edited by Ottakee
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They are adopting out of foster care but aren't fostering to adopt. They want to give an older child a chance for a home; one that is past the cute baby stage. Not transracial but I don't think they've ruled out special needs. Right now they are in the taking classes and home study stage so I was hoping to pass on any help I could to help them the rest of the way and the way after the adoption. To be honest, I'm a little nervous. I'm afraid of an older child bringing a lot of baggage but I would never tell them so and they have my support 100%.

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They are adopting out of foster care but aren't fostering to adopt. They want to give an older child a chance for a home; one that is past the cute baby stage. Not transracial but I don't think they've ruled out special needs. Right now they are in the taking classes and home study stage so I was hoping to pass on any help I could to help them the rest of the way and the way after the adoption. To be honest, I'm a little nervous. I'm afraid of an older child bringing a lot of baggage but I would never tell them so and they have my support 100%.

ALL adopted children have needs.  There is trauma involved in breaking that original bond with the mother.  That said, each child processes that differently and some have few issues and others have more.  We adopted our 3 through foster care and the one that came to us at 7 1/2 years old has had almost no adjustment/adoption issues while the one that came to us at 2 days old has had the most.  The books I mentioned above would be great to have on hand.

 

Another thing to remember, is that while we as adults think the child should feel thankful and blessed to be adopted and while adoption is a huge blessing, there is the trauma that led to them needing to be adopted that no child should have to go through.  We are blessed to have them but they are not "blessed" to need to be adopted.

 

A few blogs/facebook pages to look at are Stephanie Grant PhD, Stacy Manning, Nancy Thomas.  I would also encourage them to link up with other foster and adoptive families in their area for social get togethers, support systems, accessing services, etc.  It will be very important for the child to have peers that "mirror" them......it is very helpful for adopted kids to have friends/peers that were also adopted so they don't feel all alone.

 

Another thing to navigate will be birth family/birth siblings.  Depending on the situation on why they were removed, etc. there may be little to no contact or there might be a lot.  It might be a lot with certain family members but none with others.  It can feel very threatening to the adoptive parents but in most cases continuing appropriate family relationships helps the child in their new family.

 

Our son had contact from day 1 with several siblings and an aunt and uncle.  Later one we added contact with more siblings (including 2 we never knew about until years later) and his birth father.  He attended his birth mother's funeral as well.

 

Our girls had each other and after 20 years of searching we located 5 of the 6 older adoptive siblings.  One of the 5 was deceased.  We traveled a great distance to meet the other 4 and it was a wonderful time for my girls and their siblings.  The similarities are striking between the siblings even though they had never met until they were young adults.

 

Sorry if I sound a little preachy but this is my little soap box after having adopted 3, and fostered over 100 others over 22 years.

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They are adopting out of foster care but aren't fostering to adopt. They want to give an older child a chance for a home; one that is past the cute baby stage. Not transracial but I don't think they've ruled out special needs. Right now they are in the taking classes and home study stage so I was hoping to pass on any help I could to help them the rest of the way and the way after the adoption. To be honest, I'm a little nervous. I'm afraid of an older child bringing a lot of baggage but I would never tell them so and they have my support 100%.

We adopted our kids from foster care. They were all very young, though. I wish them all the best.
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Another thing to remember, is that while we as adults think the child should feel thankful and blessed to be adopted and while adoption is a huge blessing, there is the trauma that led to them needing to be adopted that no child should have to go through.  We are blessed to have them but they are not "blessed" to need to be adopted.

 

 

 

 

So true. I am now working partially in the foster care system and constantly feel that ambivalence of knowing the bio parents are not providing a nurturing environment yet getting adopted is traumatic in itself to some degree.

Much will depend on the child's innate resilience and temperament and the adoptive parents' perseverance.

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I am fostering to adopt and I have sisters (2) adopted from China, one as an infant, the other as a preschooler.

 

I personally wouldn't take a child that didn't have some contact with someone in their family and even with the prior foster parent. I know it sounds strange, but after seeing my what my sisters are going through as they get older it is awful. The trauma that they experienced especially the one adopted as a preschooler is awful. The more houses they have been in or the longer they have been in the system, the worse it is. That is just a fact of life. Having connections to one's past is vital. 

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I completely second The Connected Child.  Anything by Karyn Purvis is really, really helpful and perspective changing when it comes to understanding what she calls "children from hard places".  There are videos online as well by Dr. Purvis.  

 

Beyond Logic, Consequences, and Control is also a great resource.

 

If they already have children in the home, I highly, highly recommend Brothers and Sisters in Adoption by Arleta James.  

 

We did older child adoption (daughter was 13 at time of adoption), and it was hard to find resources for teen adoption.  

 

 

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I would like to do foster care and possibly adoption too. I will not do it until my kids are much much older. If they don’t already have kids and are prepared for traumatized children, it can be a great and loving thing.

 

But I would not put my own children’s mental health, security and safety at risk. I actually actively support bringing back small group homes with highly trained “home parents†vs the foster care system as it stands now.

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There is a good reading list at attach-china.org. Go to the adult reading list there for suggestions. I suggest reading as many books as possible and possibly getting counseling to explore the couple's own personal marriage and individual issues. It sounds like this couple is probably young. I adopted at the age of forty-one and was grateful that I had considerable age and experience and some personal counseling prior to becoming a mom. If you have processed your own history fully, you can more effectively meet the needs of someone who has a different history.

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The Connected Child--after reading this, dh commented that he wished we had read it before we had brought our child home. (I'm not sure we would have understood its importance then though.)

 

Also, two of my favorite/most helpful books are:

https://www.amazon.com/Attaching-Adoption-Practical-Todays-Parents/dp/1849058903/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1513007837&sr=8-1&keywords=attaching+in+adoption (The hardback is selling used from other sellers for cheaper.)

 

https://www.amazon.com/Nurturing-Adoptions-Creating-Resilience-Neglect/dp/1849058911/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1513007837&sr=8-6&keywords=attaching+in+adoption

 

Deborah Gray's books are so practical and straightforward. She just straight out talks about situations and ways to handle them. Her books have a hopeful tone while not glossing over difficulties. Some of my most effective tools (high structure, high nurture, for example) came from her matter-of-fact approach. 

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The Connected Child--after reading this, dh commented that he wished we had read it before we had brought our child home. (I'm not sure we would have understood its importance then though.)

 

Also, two of my favorite/most helpful books are:

https://www.amazon.com/Attaching-Adoption-Practical-Todays-Parents/dp/1849058903/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1513007837&sr=8-1&keywords=attaching+in+adoption (The hardback is selling used from other sellers for cheaper.)

 

https://www.amazon.com/Nurturing-Adoptions-Creating-Resilience-Neglect/dp/1849058911/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1513007837&sr=8-6&keywords=attaching+in+adoption

 

Deborah Gray's books are so practical and straightforward. She just straight out talks about situations and ways to handle them. Her books have a hopeful tone while not glossing over difficulties. Some of my most effective tools (high structure, high nurture, for example) came from her matter-of-fact approach. 

 

 

Totally agree with Deborah Gray recommendations, too!

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Why?

because if things go slightly not well  it will completely destroy your life. if things go ok then it consumes your life. I haven't seen a single example of things going better than ok. My twins are going ok sort-of-ish, their brother was not - we could not continue with him-  the fall out is destroying us. if you want details pm me

 

I personally know several families who have done permanent care ( our equivalent of foster to adopt here in my  country) we are all finding similar things, it is never better than ok

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It was remembering Melissa's story (and other stories I've seen here over the years) that made me nervous when they told me they wanted an older child. They have no children right now. I've tried asking if they want bio children down the road but I never got a real answer since they are so focused on what is happening now and I don't want to push and be a negative voice in their ear. I know adoption is stressful and I don't want to add to that which is why I was hoping for some book ideas since I have zero experience to help guide them.

 

Thanks everyone for the ideas. They just might end up with several books and not just the one.  :hurray:

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I think books by Deborah Gray and Karin Purvis are my favorite.  I learned so much from them.  Beyond Good Intentions was also good, by author that wrote 20 things adopted kids wished their parents know.  At one point I'd literally read every book in print I could get my hands on. I figured knowledge would help, and it did but living it is so much more.  Adoption is wonderful and hard.  Happy and sad. I'm thankful for all my kids but man we've been through some tough times, others even more difficult.  I'd also begin to build a support network.  These people will be an invaluable resource and sounding board.  I've been blessed by so many people along the way.  Teen and early adulthood are doubly hard on the kids who were adopted.  So many layers, like an onion.  I love my life, my kids, and would choose to adopt again.  There are times though I wonder how my life would be different if we didn't have the adoption piece to work through.  FYI I have five, all were adopted under 1 from Korea.

 

Kimberly  

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There are a lot of good stories out there but even with those there is a lot of work.

 

One family I know adopted 3 kids at 1,3 and 5 who were thought to be unadoptable. One had sickle cell (life expectancy of 10-12 years) and one was thought to never walk and was autistic.

 

Fast forward almost 20 years. After much toil and tears and hard work and much love them are doing well. One is a college graduate with a good job and has started public speaking on adoption issues. The one with sickle cell is now CURED after a cutting edge bone marrow transplant and is working full time and in a serious relationship. The non walker, thought to be autistic one is playing big 10 football.

 

My own have done very well considering their backgrounds and special needs.

 

A good support system is key. As someone else mentioned adoption has many layers like an onion and different stages in life mean different layers.

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