Deciding what is fair.

[Elizabeth86]

Soooo....here we go. Dh is changing to the 2nd shift at work this quarter. This means he will get off work at midnight and home at 1. 2 if he and his friends workout which they do sometimes. I pretty much have always let him sleep until he is ready to wake up, but life is really really busy for me right now and I really need a few hours of help in the morning with school or playing with the littles while I do school. I would like him to help make his own lunch too. He has to leave for work at 1 in the afternoon, so is there a good fair time for me to expect him to be up and helping the family. He usually requires an hour of silence and a cup of coffee, a cigarette and time to waste on his phone and poop before he is willing to talk to any of us. So, if he fell asleep at 3 am and he would need to sleep until 11 to get 8 hours of sleep and it would be noon before he was functional and then it would be time to get ready to leave for work. I can't ask him because he will say to wake him when I need him, he will be fine. Well that would ideally be at 8 am and this just wouldn't be good. Realistically I would like him up at 9 or 10. So, what do you think is fair in this situation. If I just let him to do what is natural, he will have between 0 and 5 hours with us during his work week. I personally think he needs to come home and go to bed at 1:30 and only work out on the weekends, but I hate to ask him not too. Also, he always gets to sleep until he wakes up every weekend.

[Tanaqui]

Tell him that you need him home. That means either he copes on less sleep, or he forgoes his workout. His choice.

[SKL]

I'd wake him up between 9am and 10am.  He is in charge of lunch (for everyone) and some other chores.

 

Can you put the kids to bed a little earlier so you have some quieter time in the evening?

[BlsdMama]

I have a question - is 2nd shift optional? Can he do what he does at another place?  I only ask because wow-  that is a painful schedule.  Essentially he goes to work at 1pm and gets home around 1:30am - then, like you said, even he fell asleep ASAP at 2am - you're still looking at only 2 hours of family time before he leaves again at the very best with zero time for you to have for you to have any downtime and zero time for him to have any downtime.  ((Hugs)) all the way around.  I will tell you from a person who was married to someone who didn't want to take time away from the family to go to the gym, I wish he had.  I could care less if he's carrying a few extra pounds, but I think mentally and physically he would be better off if he'd carve that time out for himself and I wish he'd do it.  At the same time I can see what you're saying too - and that is being "on" 24/7 is exhausting.  It seems to me like that schedule leaves the two of you on a lot. I'd love to think there was another option. :(

[JanetC]

There are no good options here, so don't present him with your "solution" -- have a discussion and see what you can agree on. I would also make plans to revisit whatever you decide every three weeks or so in case something isn't working for either of you.

 

I would work on ways to ask as little as possible from DH during the week so he can sleep. For example, rather than demanding he make his lunch, you or he might make a week's worth of mason jar lunches on the weekends. Then he could spend time with the littles after he wakes up and grab lunch on the way out the door.

[Elizabeth86]

Honestly? I'd let him sleep 7 hrs or so, and tell him to get over it with regards to his quiet hour. When you have kids, it's time to "suck it up, buttercup".

:lol: I think I'd rather tell him he can only sleep an hour a night than take his precious quiet hour from him.

[Elizabeth86]

Tell him that you need him home. That means either he copes on less sleep, or he forgoes his workout. His choice.

I agree.

[Guinevere]

Can you shift your family schedule to better reflect his schedule? We've done that when our kids were younger. The kids stay up until midnight or so, and then they sleep in, too. Life just shifts to later in the day.

[Elizabeth86]

I'd wake him up between 9am and 10am. He is in charge of lunch (for everyone) and some other chores.

 

Can you put the kids to bed a little earlier so you have some quieter time in the evening?

For sure. With hin gone in the evening bedtime is changing by 1 1/2 hours earlier. Woot.

[bolt.]

I'd go with, "I need you on duty happy, friendly and ready to actively take care of kids at 10:45 every day. However early you need to wake to be ready for that is up to you."

 

I would neither wake him nor make his meals. I might set aside lunch items or make extra for him (as just general kindness when it's not inconvenient).

Edited December 8, 2017 by bolt.

[hjffkj]

If your husband is willing to wake up when you need him then trust him to take care of himself and just wake him up when you need him. He is an adult and can decide how much sleep he needs. If it starts effecting him he will adjust.

 

I personally don't think he should have to give up working out. Working out is important and shouldn't only happen on weekends. But the hour to himself in the morning is something he likely needs to stop doing because during this phase of life that just isn't always reasonable.

 

What is fair is sitting down together and figuring out how everyone gets the proper help they need from the other. Anything short of that isn't fair because it is one person deciding another person's priorities.

[Elizabeth86]

I have a question - is 2nd shift optional? Can he do what he does at another place? I only ask because wow- that is a painful schedule. Essentially he goes to work at 1pm and gets home around 1:30am - then, like you said, even he fell asleep ASAP at 2am - you're still looking at only 2 hours of family time before he leaves again at the very best with zero time for you to have for you to have any downtime and zero time for him to have any downtime. ((Hugs)) all the way around. I will tell you from a person who was married to someone who didn't want to take time away from the family to go to the gym, I wish he had. I could care less if he's carrying a few extra pounds, but I think mentally and physically he would be better off if he'd carve that time out for himself and I wish he'd do it. At the same time I can see what you're saying too - and that is being "on" 24/7 is exhausting. It seems to me like that schedule leaves the two of you on a lot. I'd love to think there was another option. :(

His shift was optional, but both of us like this shift half of the year for several reasons. More money, a guarantee of Christmas morning off (he works that night), this is his natural rhythm really, we don't have to wake up at 4-5 am on cold winter days. The only difference with the day schedule is he has a set wake up time.

[Starr]

I hated that shift as far as life goes. By the time you fall asleep there’s never enough time left before you’re off to work again. And I was single. Good luck!

[Carol in Cal.]

I think it's really hard to get up and do your 'evening' before you do your 'work'.  

So I wonder (I know this will sound crazy, but...) is there something he could do when he gets home, even though it is the middle of the night, that would move your family forward but not wake anyone up?  I think I would lean that way.

 

I used to get a lot of housework done when I woke up in the middle of the night, and I didn't wake anyone up, either.  Laundry and bill paying are especially quiet.  So are dusting and mopping.  If the kitchen is far away from the bedrooms, he could make his lunch and get a good start on your family's meals at home as well.  Then maybe that would give him time to settle a bit before going to bed, and also you would have less to do so it would be easier to hit the ground running in the morning and not feel so burdened.  

[JFSinIL]

Could you shift YOUR schedule? I have a friend here in town who when her hubby got a different shift that required him to work at nights, the entire family shifted to "dad time". When he slept - they slept. They got Daddy around for a couple hours in their version of "morning" and at the end of his shift, too. Bonus - grocery shopping etc. in the "off" hours means fewer lines :-)

 

Isn't one of the joys of doing school at home this ability to be flexible? Just a thought.

[Elizabeth86]

If your husband is willing to wake up when you need him then trust him to take care of himself and just wake him up when you need him. He is an adult and can decide how much sleep he needs. If it starts effecting him he will adjust.

 

I personally don't think he should have to give up working out. Working out is important and shouldn't only happen on weekends. But the hour to himself in the morning is something he likely needs to stop doing because during this phase of life that just isn't always reasonable.

 

What is fair is sitting down together and figuring out how everyone gets the proper help they need from the other. Anything short of that isn't fair because it is one person deciding another person's priorities.

Right. Basically guys, he literally just has to have this alone time. If I ask him a question he literally only grunts, he will not form actual words for at least an hour.

[Rachel]

How many days per week does your husband work? Does he work 4 -12 hour shifts? Does his schedule stay the same or do his days off vary?

 

I think it is reasonable to get him to prepare lunch. Sometimes there is no fair way to divide things up so you just do the best you can.

[Elizabeth86]

So, he's doing 12 hr shifts, did I read that right? Is he doing that 4 days a week?

I think I may have typed that in wrong.

 

His actual work has him there for 8 hours, but you have to be there an hour and half before and an hour and a half after. You don't HAVE to according to the ones in charge, BUT it's a courtesy to your relief. It takes a while to trade off and discuss what has been going on during your shift and the time spent waiting on the carpool people. You just dont always clock out right on time. So, if he wants anyone to speak to him at work you do it. So, 8 hrs of work, 1 for that stuff. 2 hour total commute.

[Elizabeth86]

How many days per week does your husband work? Does he work 4 -12 hour shifts? Does his schedule stay the same or do his days off vary?

 

I think it is reasonable to get him to prepare lunch. Sometimes there is no fair way to divide things up so you just do the best you can.

Yes, days off are the same.

[Tap]

A few questions:

 

1. Leaves at 1pm gets home at 1am w/o the workout.  Does that mean he has a very long commute, or is working 4x10 or 5x10?  Is he working 40ish hours or 50?  

 

2. If he gets a hour to wake up in the morning ok, some people really need that.  But then he also gets an hour of workout time....how many days per week? 

 

 

If he is working 40 and has a 3 day weekend every week, I would ask him to only work out 3-4 days a week (the three days he is off and maybe 1 of the other days). 

 

If he is working 50 and taking a personal hour every day, plus working out, I would say he needs to specify a hour every day he is willing to commit to, to give you a personal hour each day too.  Maybe you use that hour to do household items at your choice, but you can choose to leave or go chill too.

 

Or while maybe a hour each day of help is ideal for you, maybe you can have extra specified-hours help on his days off.   That way you can have personal time or just time to prep for the week to make your busy days easier.

Edited December 8, 2017 by Tap

[Elizabeth86]

To address keeping the kids up late. No thanks :lol: I want those hours to myself to clean. I just want him 2 hours in the morning 4 days a week to help with school that he is so die hard we do, but does nothing to help with. And to help make his own lunch. He won't even give me feedback as to what tastes good to him reheated. I don't want to always do sandwiches because it's his dinner kwim?

[Guinevere]

I think it's really hard to get up and do your 'evening' before you do your 'work'.  

So I wonder (I know this will sound crazy, but...) is there something he could do when he gets home, even though it is the middle of the night, that would move your family forward but not wake anyone up?  I think I would lean that way.

 

I used to get a lot of housework done when I woke up in the middle of the night, and I didn't wake anyone up, either.  Laundry and bill paying are especially quiet.  So are dusting and mopping.  If the kitchen is far away from the bedrooms, he could make his lunch and get a good start on your family's meals at home as well.  Then maybe that would give him time to settle a bit before going to bed, and also you would have less to do so it would be easier to hit the ground running in the morning and not feel so burdened.  

 

That's a great idea!   Maybe he could tidy the house, and get breakfast basically ready for the kids!  So you wake up to a picked up house, and easy food.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When Dh had that schedule I just made do as a “single momâ€. It wasn’t my choice it it was the only thing that really worked. I asked for some time for myself on Saturday.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Elizabeth86]

That's a great idea! Maybe he could tidy the house, and get breakfast basically ready for the kids! So you wake up to a picked up house, and easy food.

I'm :lol: that would be way more than he has ever been used to in our 13 years of marriage. All I want is quiet time to do school with ds. Maybe we will do 2 of those on dh day off.

[Elizabeth86]

Ok, I think I am still not getting it. If he has to be there an hour and a half early, AND stay an hour and a half....that's 8hr shift, plus THREE hours extra. I sure hope he's getting paid for those three hours.

 

But then, you said one hour for that stuff.....so do you mean in a half hour early and out a half hour late? I mean I still hope he's getting paid for that hour.

 

Also, Two hours to commute? Like an hour in and an hour back, every day?

 

 

He needs a new job.

 

But, it is what it is right now. You need to talk to him. You need to decide what you need help with and then ask him to come up with the solution. I don't mean just up and drop it in his lap. I mean you basically just say something like "here are the issues that this new shift is going to create, how can we work together to solve these issues?"

Gah half hour. Sorry. I suck at typing on my phone. Yes an hour there and back. Our area is very rural, everyone. Commutes far. There is no possible way he could make this much money doing anything with only a hs diploma. No way. This is the best job in our area unless you have a degree. He's too far in to quit now, he will be retiring in 12 years and all he put in would be lost. Plus, to him his job is way easy. We just need to move :lol: Edited December 8, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[hjffkj]

To address keeping the kids up late. No thanks :lol: I want those hours to myself to clean. I just want him 2 hours in the morning 4 days a week to help with school that he is so die hard we do, but does nothing to help with. And to help make his own lunch. He won't even give me feedback as to what tastes good to him reheated. I don't want to always do sandwiches because it's his dinner kwim?

 

He is an adult, let him make his own meals. If that is sandwiches, let it be sandwiches. You are taking in more work than you need to when you aren't getting help in the actual areas you need help in.

[HomeAgain]

Let him sleep.

 

Dh works 12 hour days sometimes.  Seriously, it's just better to suck it up and do the single-parent thing during the work week and then to do family time on the weekends.  On the weekends, I definitely would be shoving him out of bed when you hear one of the kids, if not to deal with them directly, then to make the coffee and take care of the morning chores so you can take kid duty.  And I'd encourage you to schedule your time alone out of the house during the weekend so you get a break, too, even if it's just the library or grocery store.

[gaillardia]

In my perfect little world...

I'd say he can start getting paid for that extra 2-3 hours he's on the jobsite. He can also work out twice a week during the week if the Queen approves.

 

Now, where in here do you get to work out? Go for a walk without kids, exercise, breathe, take a shower?

 

I know how hard it can be to switch to that evening shift when you might have a ONE YEAR OLD (ymmv) who habitually awakens an hour before sunrise. 

Tea time was also hard to schedule a slot for on that schedule. 

 

I'm having serious problems with the part where you said he is going in 60-90 minutes early and staying after that long. 

 

[MedicMom]

Right. Basically guys, he literally just has to have this alone time. If I ask him a question he literally only grunts, he will not form actual words for at least an hour.

He doesn’t HAVE to have it. He can talk just fine; he’s not a baby.

When he chose to have kids, he signed away his right to daily alone time.

 

I would tell him to suck it up and deal with it. Otherwise you have zero help because by the time he’s done with alone time it’s time to go back to work. Working four 12s in a row sucks. I did it and hated it because there’s just not time. I stopped when I had kids for precisely that reason and found a different job.

 

60-90 minutes early? What does he do? I know firefighters and corrections officers who go in 30 minutes early unpaid routinely, because that’s how it’s done, but no one who goes in 90 minutes early to shoot the sh$t.

Edited December 8, 2017 by MedicMom

[Elizabeth86]

In my perfect little world...

I'd say he can start getting paid for that extra 2-3 hours he's on the jobsite. He can also work out twice a week during the week if the Queen approves.

 

Now, where in here do you get to work out? Go for a walk without kids, exercise, breathe, take a shower?

 

I know how hard it can be to switch to that evening shift when you might have a ONE YEAR OLD (ymmv) who habitually awakens an hour before sunrise.

Tea time was also hard to schedule a slot for on that schedule.

 

I'm having serious problems with the part where you said he is going in 60-90 minutes early and staying after that long.

I typed that wrong. Sorry 30 min before and after.

[Elizabeth86]

I'm going to discuss it with him tonight and I'll let you know what we come up with.

[Anne]

First - I would sit down with him and have a discussion over how we want to adjust the family schedule to reflect the new work schedule.

 

After that, based on the worst case scenario of him being unwilling to do anything helpful, If it were me - I would probably just assume I was basically a single mom for this season.

 

I would turn his food prep over to him completely.

 

I would plan a sanity saver time for myself every weekend if possible - at least an hour, preferably two, out of the house ALONE.

 

I would do what I could do school-wise and call it good.

 

You can only do what you can do!

 

Anne

[Elizabeth86]

First - I would sit down with him and have a discussion over how we want to adjust the family schedule to reflect the new work schedule.

 

After that, based on the worst case scenario of him being unwilling to do anything helpful, If it were me - I would probably just assume I was basically a single mom for this season.

 

I would turn his food prep over to him completely.

 

I would plan a sanity saver time for myself every weekend if possible - at least an hour, preferably two, out of the house ALONE.

 

I would do what I could do school-wise and call it good.

 

You can only do what you can do!

 

Anne

Well even when he is on days, it is the same and he helps none. I was just hoping he could give me a few quiet school hours to work with ds. I don't think it is asking too.mich to play with 2 kids while I do school and help make lunch. I have been getting it done without him. Nothing is going to be harder with his shift changing. I was just hoping for more help.

[Elizabeth86]

I hope you guys can come up with a solution that gets you the help you need.

Thanks!

[LMD]

I feel for you, that's a pretty brutal shift!

Basically, he is getting an hour of alone time working out plus an hour of waking up time everyday. So, if he's working 9, commuting 2, sleeping 8 and using 2, that leaves 3 hours a day.

So ge leaves at 1, starts at 2, works until 11, works out until midnight, gets home at 1. Shower/relax then asleep by 1.30 (no dawdling!), up at 9.30 - be useful by 10.30.

Couldn't he watch the little kids while you school 10.30-12, then between 12-1 you all pitch in together to make lunch - including an extra portion for him to take - and tidy up afterwards. This is your family dinner meal, all together.

[Garga]

I wrote a lot, but before any of it will matter, I'd need to know if your DH will actually lift a finger to help or not.  Will he clean?  Will he cook his own lunch?  Will he do anything reasonable to help you or does he believe it's all your problem to deal with?

 

I think the only thing you may feel you have control over is not making him lunches.  You simply don't do it and he's left with no food unless he solves that problem for himself.  He'll probably resort to buying lunch out every day.  Can the budget handle that?  Does he do the budget or do you?

 

Edited December 8, 2017 by Garga

[Elizabeth86]

I feel for you, that's a pretty brutal shift!

Basically, he is getting an hour of alone time working out plus an hour of waking up time everyday. So, if he's working 9, commuting 2, sleeping 8 and using 2, that leaves 3 hours a day.

So ge leaves at 1, starts at 2, works until 11, works out until midnight, gets home at 1. Shower/relax then asleep by 1.30 (no dawdling!), up at 9.30 - be useful by 10.30.

Couldn't he watch the little kids while you school 10.30-12, then between 12-1 you all pitch in together to make lunch - including an extra portion for him to take - and tidy up afterwards. This is your family dinner meal, all together.

See this is what I'm thinking. I mean, is this too much to ask? I'm not saying all 5 days either as we only do 4 day school weeks. Edited December 8, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Elizabeth86]

From what you have already told us this is unsustainable for you. And I’d say as much to him. No protecting his time or feelings, because if your body craps out he is up a creek with no workout AND a bedbound wife. And that’s if you don’t divorce him.

 

Been there, done that, and my husband is a wonderful helper - it’s been hard on everyone to have me running at 30-60% capacity. But in your situation, he is being very selfish with his time by all representations you have made to us, and that will hurt him in the long run when you can’t keep it all going alone anymore.

Well he knows I won't divorce him. I guess that's the problem.

[Elizabeth86]

It doesn't sound like he's going to help at all.

 

Within the parameters you've given, it sound like making his own lunches is the only thing that can help you. That's what my DH does, but my DH used to be a latchkey kid who came home and watched Julia Child and cooked for the family when he was a teen. It sounds like your DH wouldn't do that.

 

People have to work out. When else will he do it than after work? He has to drive for 2 hours. He has to open and close out his shift for an hour. He has to work for 8 hours. He has to sleep for 8 hours. I think telling someone to get less sleep is a very bad idea. Sleep is something we all act like we don't need, but that's just foolishness. We need sleep.

 

So...I'd be of the mindset that you're a single parent and then I'd hand off lunch making to him. That's all I think you can expect him to do. If you simply stop making him lunch, he'll probably end up going out to buy it, but at least it's off your plate and is his issue to deal with. Then again: who handles the money in the family? If he buys lunch every day, is that something that will cause problems?

Yes, buying lunch every day is not cool for the budget. Maybe 1 day, but it would have to taste good warmed up, he cant leave work for lunch. He grew up a latch key kid. I did not. We spoil our men folk and he has come to love it. I suppose telling him to sleep less is not cool, but I'm not sure I have had 8 hours of sleep in 6 years. I also have probably slept straight through the night about a dozen times in 6 years, soo I'm just not feeling much sympathy kwim? Edited December 8, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Elizabeth86]

And really I know doing homeschool with a first grader is not a huge deal, but it really drains me keeping him focused while keeping my crazy 2 year old from destroying everything. When I'm done with school I feel totally exhausted.

[hjffkj]

Well he knows I won't divorce him. I guess that's the problem.

You do not have to divorce a person to make it clear you will not put up with their behavior.

[Elizabeth86]

That’s okay, I won’t divorce either. I wasn’t sure where you stood on that. But the risk of your adrenals burning out is real. It’s been almost three years and I still have major struggles with energy and endocrine regulation. I’m not bed bound most days, but that’s because I scaled EVERYTHING back. And when I have an attack from overdoing it I’m literally stuck in bed and completely non-functional with migraines and vomiting until I sleep it off. That’s not to mention my massive weight issues, thermoregulation, blood pressure, you name it. It sucks. And it’s because I fried my body with back to back pregnancies, sleep deprivation, calorie restriction to manage weight, and unsustainably busy schedules with too little help. Now I can’t make cortisol and can’t cope with any sort of physical/emotional stressors without just crashing.

 

Beware of the burnout.

See the thing is lately I have been really trying to take it easy and not burn out. BUT that leaves life being chaotic and a lot left undone which I hate. He's totally on with my work piling up, no pressure but he isn't really up to lightening my load. We are getting a dishwasher this spring though. I will be the happiest woman ever!

[eternalsummer]

DH used to work the 2nd shift.  It is very very hard to go to sleep right after you get home from work, or even an hour or so after.  It's just hard.  Your body is used to staying up at least 3 or 4 hours after work to decompress.  I would definitely not ask him to give up regular exercise - when you're working 2nd shift your immune system is already down because the body finds it stressful to work those off-hours and because you get almost no sunlight.

 

It's too bad he has such a difficult shift - 2nd shift is very difficult. When DH worked it, the kids and I saw him for about an hour a day (when he woke up and ate breakfast and got ready for work, etc. around 3).

 

Some possible compromises if he doesn't want to wake that early: can you hire someone for a few hours a week?  Can he take a shift with the little kids on the weekend so you can get some focused work done with the olders?  Can he do something when he gets home, like say you leave the dishes or something, to take a bit of the load off?  

[Elizabeth86]

DH used to work the 2nd shift. It is very very hard to go to sleep right after you get home from work, or even an hour or so after. It's just hard. Your body is used to staying up at least 3 or 4 hours after work to decompress. I would definitely not ask him to give up regular exercise - when you're working 2nd shift your immune system is already down because the body finds it stressful to work those off-hours and because you get almost no sunlight.

 

It's too bad he has such a difficult shift - 2nd shift is very difficult. When DH worked it, the kids and I saw him for about an hour a day (when he woke up and ate breakfast and got ready for work, etc. around 3).

 

Some possible compromises if he doesn't want to wake that early: can you hire someone for a few hours a week? Can he take a shift with the little kids on the weekend so you can get some focused work done with the olders? Can he do something when he gets home, like say you leave the dishes or something, to take a bit of the load off?

Can't hire anyone. I am thinkong 2 school days will be the weekend. We shall see. I'll try to tell you all what he says tonight after we talk.

[EMS83]

:grouphug: , Arctic Mama

 

Elizabeth, sympathy is not a pre-requisite for holding down a fort, and not all absences are obvious.  Apply strategic laziness to spare your sanity--whatever that looks like.  Obviously people need to stay fed, clean, healthy, and moving reasonably along in their growth, but...eh.  When you're doing everything, you can't do any one thing excellently; you just can't.  Does he handle outdoor stuff and finances?  Home repair?

Edited December 9, 2017 by CES2005

[Anne]

See the thing is lately I have been really trying to take it easy and not burn out. BUT that leaves life being chaotic and a lot left undone which I hate. He's totally on with my work piling up, no pressure but he isn't really up to lightening my load. We are getting a dishwasher this spring though. I will be the happiest woman ever!

For many of us, our own perfectionism is the enemy of our health and sanity!

 

It seems to me that you have to figure out what you can do and what you cannot - what brings you joy and satisfaction and what does not. If you’re not getting any help, it seems to me that it would be reasonable to jettison everything that doesn’t jeopardize your children’s welfare or give you joy & satisfaction (we all do things we’d rather not for the health/welfare of our children).

 

If I recall correctly, your dh is the one who is primarily interested in homeschooling, right? If so, I’d be really tempted to make this a deal-breaker challenge: Honey, I really need some uninterrupted time with ds - can you play with dd for ___ (specified time/days) while you’re on this shift?

 

And you know - if my dh couldn’t manage that regularly, my kids would be going to a b&m school soon!

 

 

Anne

[eternalsummer]

Can you relax your housekeeping standards for a couple of years until the oldest is old enough to help out around the house some?  How much time do you spend on school?  Is it possible for your 1st grader to go to PS for a year or two until you're past the little kids hump?

 

This is the worst time, when you have all little kids and they are all at home.  Once you've got some kids who can clean up after themselves, and then once you've got some kids who can help clean up after other kids, it gets easier.  

[Elizabeth86]

:grouphug: , Arctic Mama

 

Elizabeth, Sympathy is not a pre-requisite for holding down a fort, and that not all absences are obvious. Apply strategic laziness to spare your sanity--whatever that looks like. Obviously people need to stay fed, clean, healthy, and moving reasonably along in their growth, but...eh. When you're doing everything, you can't do any one thing excellently; you just can't. Does he handle outdoor stuff and finances? Home repair?

Yes, all home repair, car repair and finances. As a matter of fact he single handedly put a new roof on our house. He just had his dad hand up the sheets of metal.

[hjffkj]

If you won't divorce, which I completely understand as I would not either, what would you do if he never changes his way? You don't have to answer the question but just give it thought. You may realize he is never going to change his behavior so you have to change yours.

 

An example in my life during a bad period of time for dh and myself. I was burnt out and he kept saying he'd help but never did. In hindsight, he was just as burnt out as me and struggled to take care of his own responsibilities. But in the moment, since he didn't help out I just made decisions that made life easier for me and didn't worry about anything else. For example, we have 3 bathrooms and I decided I was only going to use the master bath. Since it was the only one I used it was the only one I was willing to clean. The other 2 got so dirty and dh didn't even notice, but niether did I because I wouldn't even go in them. When people were supposed to come hangout I cancelled because the bathrooms that I was no longer responsible for were too dirty for company. So if dh wanted his friend over to hangout he'd have to clean. After cancelling 2 regular events with them he started cleaning.

 

At the same time I also stopped doing any laundry but my own. When ds didn't have any clean clothes to go to mil's house for dinner I said, "oh well, I guess we have to cancel." And we did. The next day dh had no clothes for work. My response, " I guess you're going to be dirty or late."

 

I also made food only for the kids and myself, even if dh was home. And I wouldn't do his dishes.

 

Looking back it all seems so harsh but he really had no idea all the things I did on top of homeschooling, and working part time. If he wanted to continue to live like that he could have made that choice. Instead, he sat me down and worked with me to figure out how we can make things work so everyone is happy. Now he makes breakfast almost every day while I sleep in. I do all the housework but do not hesitate to ask him to do something. And if I ask, he does it immediately. If he is home, he is as much involved in the care of the kiss are as I am, unless it is his down time. We each get down time but that changes depending on what is going on in our lives. No one gets to keep the same schedule, even though I'd be a better functioning parent if I had the first hour of the day to myself like your dh.

[Elizabeth86]

This needs to be included in your discussion. The fact of the matter is that him "not pressuring" you is useless. He should be participating in the running of the house hold simply because he LIVES in it.

 

 

What would he do if you ended up on bedrest. I mean that genuinely, because if I recall, you are pregnant, right? What if you developed a condition that had you on bedrest and you couldn't do the work you do. What would he do? Would kids get fed? Would they get taught? Would he have clean uniforms?

I imagine my mom would come to help.