Pen Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 DS is in 9th grade at BMS. Not homeschooling currently because he did not want to anymore, needed more social and sports opportunities, and was refusing to work for me. He is now refusing to work for his BMS teachers also. Not only in most of his academics, but also in supposedly more fun electives. His Study Hall teacher called me up. His teachers are frustrated. I am frustrated. No one is sure what will make things better or worse. When ds does his work he is capable of making A's. His current grades are tending to be a mix of 100%'s when he does something and 0%'s when he does not--averaging out to around 50% which is an F. His last quarter grades were 4 A's, 2 B's, 1 Pass. Even if he gets all F's right now he will pass everything but English for the Semester because of last Quarter's grades. BUT if he does not start doing his work, he will be too far behind in math and science and maybe foreign language (at this moment the one academic class he is apparently still keeping up in) to be able to catch up and pass them for the next quarter, semester and year grades. And he is already red-shirted, so cannot just redo the year. DS says the only thing that would motivate him to want to do school work would be if he were paid. I might actually consider this, but am concerned it might make things worse. Ds does have some LD's and is 2e, but that does not seem to be the main problem. He has fallen in with a few of the worst possible influence type of kids. He told me that one of them will soon turn 16 and can legally drop out, as if that is a goal of ds's now, though he did not specifically say that. So far, though, he still is enjoying the social and extracurricular activities parts of school. And has almost perfect attendance, and likes to go to school. ETA: and when I asked him about maybe going back to homeschool said he wants to stay in BMS, so maybe telling me about the kids who is planning to soon drop out is just talking and not ds's goal. There is an upcoming trip for Ds's track team to go to Seattle, which given ds's current grades, the coaches may refuse to let him go on. It is not clear if this will end up helping to motivate ds to get to work so that he can go, or be one more thing that will keep him out of some of the positive things he is still doing and more positive peers he still interacts with. Ds has also expressed some interest in National Guard when they recruited, and there is apparently a possibility that if he officially expressed interest to a recruitment officer that might be something that would help lead him toward a more disciplined attitude to school and life--but again, it might not and could backfire. And it is not clear if he was really interested or it was just a passing thought. Thoughts? Suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 Turn off the router at home and get a cell phone jammer if he has a phone you aren't willing to take away. Don't give him rides anywhere. Don't buy the food/snacks he likes. Get in his space, and don't get out until work is done. I would probably threaten to go to school with him, but I'm evil that way. Most school districts have a set grade point average required for sports and clubs; check into this and calmly inform him of it. Basically, all fun and extras should stop while he is refusing to work. You can't force him to do the work, but you don't have to provide him with yummy food and fun things to do, either. I can't imagine paying my kid for doing schoolwork, but then again I don't have a kid in danger of failing out of school, so no judgement. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grantmom Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 :grouphug: That sounds like a really difficult challenge. Have you asked him what he needs, what he would like to do? Does he have any motivation or aspirations for a certain career? Are there any technical or vocational programs that he could enroll in that would help give him some focus and direction? Locally, we have things like architecture, drafting, electrical stuff, trades like auto or plane mechanic, etc. What is his contact with the students you feel are a bad influence? Is it only in school? Or do they spend time together outside of class? I think I would be trying to get him involved in activities that would be a positive influence on him, focus on how he needs to keep his grades up to participate in the clubs and things. To be honest, it sounds like he just doesn't see the benefit and needs to figure out a real motivation for doing the work. Is he bored? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoodGrief Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 What about a military type boarding school? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jilly Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 Ds does have some LD's and is 2e, but that does not seem to be the main problem. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the LDs as being the main problem. Many 2E teens can get good grades once in a while when they try hard. The problem is in doing it every single day. There could be some issues going on that are discouraging him and it could be things that even he can't quite understand. If you haven't had him evaluated or tested lately I would consider doing that. If you have, I would look at what accommodations he has and see if you need to change them or add to them to help him succeed. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabis Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 I had a somewhat similar experience with my daughter in middle school. She was a bright kid, capable of better grades than she was getting, and enjoying all the social aspects of school. She just didn't care about the schoolwork and was also forming less than desirable friendships. After a few incidents and warnings from us, and continuing poor performance, we stepped in. We came up with a solid game plan, sat her down one night, and lowered the boom. She was told that since she had shown herself incapable of making good decisions, all decision making was being taken out of her hands and we would be making all decisions for her. She was told what was expected with her grades, and our expectations were reasonable. Nothing like, "You must have straight A's." We were available to help, but would not be asking her if she needed help. She would have to take the initiative. But the kicker was, to make sure that she had the necessary time to get her work done, we basically took everything away. We took the phone away entirely for about 8 months. Yes, I paid for a phone that was never used. She had to come straight home after school. There was almost no getting together with friends, there were no sleepovers. Every invite was turned down. Did she like us? Not really. Was her attitude worse for awhile. Yep. We just didn't engage. We would calmly repeat the rules and remind her what would need to occur before she was allowed more freedom again. It was up to her. We knew this would only work if we stayed consistent and didn't back down. And I'm not going to lie. It was sometimes hard. It restricted us as well. But we knew it wasn't going to be a quick fix. She did eventually decide that never getting to do anything wasn't any fun. Her attitude improved, her grades improved, and she became a much nicer person. Her grades still aren't what I'd like, and I don't think she works as hard as she could, but they're decent. They're good enough. She's fun to be with and I truly enjoy her company now. And I trust her. That's my story. I don't know if that will work in your situation or not. It wasn't fast, it wasn't easy, but it worked for us so I thought I'd share. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted December 9, 2017 Author Share Posted December 9, 2017 What about a military type boarding school? Would consider looking into that, and seeing if we can afford it, if he can get in, etc. Any specific ones you suggest? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted December 9, 2017 Author Share Posted December 9, 2017 :grouphug: That sounds like a really difficult challenge. Have you asked him what he needs, what he would like to do? Does he have any motivation or aspirations for a certain career? Are there any technical or vocational programs that he could enroll in that would help give him some focus and direction? Locally, we have things like architecture, drafting, electrical stuff, trades like auto or plane mechanic, etc. What is his contact with the students you feel are a bad influence? Is it only in school? Or do they spend time together outside of class? I think I would be trying to get him involved in activities that would be a positive influence on him, focus on how he needs to keep his grades up to participate in the clubs and things. To be honest, it sounds like he just doesn't see the benefit and needs to figure out a real motivation for doing the work. Is he bored? bold part: yes. I think that is so, and why even though I think LD's may play a part it is this, and not LD's that are the main problem. No VoTec program possible until 11th grade--and out of district so iffy even then. He's potentially interested in a few things such as construction, business, technology, law (unlikely to be a good choice for him given his feelings about studying). But he's not putting together the present behavior with the long term result. He had a hands-on class in mechanics (fixing tractors and so on) that he thought he would love, but didn't--in fact, found that boring as it was a great deal of sanding and not much else. He also did not love woodshop as much as he had hoped. But he did love helping a contractor repair drywall in a real life situation. And he confirmed his interest in National Guard. Possibly some other military area. The bad influence contacts are in school only. But most of his classes are with the bad-influences, and that is not insignificant. My impression that they are bad influences is based on what teachers have told me, and what ds has told me teachers are telling him. One negative influence that I think also exists, but has not been articulated is that the girls seem gaga over the bad-influence boys...sort of a James Dean thing. His sports involvement is positive, and teachers are urging him directly to keep with it, and me to push him to keep with it. And it is a reason that where his grades still leave it in their option to either not let him participate in sports trip or to let him go, they may let him go because it keeps him with more positive peers and in an activity that helps with aerobic exercise and other benefits. Yes. He is somewhat bored in some areas. There is quite a lot of hard busy work to do such as balancing chemical equations or writing about To Kill a Mockingbird that is not intrinsically interesting to him. His study hall teacher told him to suck it up--that the academic parts are the cost of admission to the sports, music, social time, trips, and school dances that he does like. That may have helped some since ds tells me he completed 7 undone assignments yesterday and today (and apparently study hall teacher took them and said he will take them to other teachers and ask them to accept them). Whether that will be enough to pull up the F's we don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
historymatters Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 (edited) Would consider looking into that, and seeing if we can afford it, if he can get in, etc. Any specific ones you suggest? Don't forget to ask the military schools if they have scholarships and ask for advice on other sources of financing. Edited December 9, 2017 by historymatters Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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