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What Self Care Really Means


sassenach
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Just some thoughts on this commercializing of this new buzzword "self-care." The concept has been around and I am sure throughout millennia, people somehow have found some way to soldier on. I kinda don't like the word "self-care" because in my mind it has been thrown around too much and has taken on various meanings. For some it's an excuse to be lazy, for others it's a lifeline so there is some kind of tomorrow.

When I hear it - or when/if I use it, it is usually in the way of filling your tank a little so you are not running on empty all the time. And during moments of desperation, I completely flounder - I know because I have been there like most of you - but a friend who can remind you or even just say: Let's walk around the block OR asking a husband to play with kiddos for a moment so the other spouse can take a shower without little people yanking on the shower curtain or sticking their head in every two seconds - this is the not so glitzy and glamorous yet still effective kind of "self-care."

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Coming back to this. I love all of the different perspectives! I find it a little interesting that some of the same posters who were pro-millennial in the snowflake thread are also ones pointing out that the author is a millennial. I can hear her age (snapchat, acai bowls ) but I also related to the thread of truth running through it.

 

I was 19 when I had my son with severe CP. So, yeah, a person in their early 20's can have suffered and worn themselves thin at the same level as a 30-something. Self-care back then would have looked like getting my wisdom teeth pulled instead of ignoring them and paying for it now.

 

This summer was hugely stressful and I gained 10 pounds by coping with TV and sweets. And drinking too much wine. What I really need to do is stop netflix binging and take a walk.

 

I love what someone said upthread about it being more about the why than the what. Sometimes all you have the time or energy for is that chocolate bar between crises, but also sometimes that chocolate bar becomes a habit rather than a relief.

 

But yes, I can see how the article fits more for my daughter than for those of us with serious, unending stress. But I still relate!

IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢m still pro millennial. I am also pro this blog. I donĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t get some of the bitter reactions, honestly. ItĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s not supposed to be scripture. Or to be a thesis on all the ins and outs of self care. It doesnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t diss anyone else and their solutions to self care even if it does focus on a less commercial perspective. ItĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s just one page with one personĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s musings. IsnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t that what a blog is? Edited by Jean in Newcastle
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IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢m still pro millennial. I am also pro this blog. I donĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t get some of the bitter reactions, honestly. ItĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s not supposed to be scripture. Or to be a thesis on all the ins and outs of self care. It doesnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t diss anyone else and their solutions to self care even if it does focus on a less commercial perspective. ItĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s just one page with one personĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s musings. IsnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t that what a blog is?

 

IKR?  I was thinking, boy are we getting old.  Can "Get off my lawn!" be far behind?

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I havenĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t gotten that, but one of the pastors actually clapped me on the shoulder and told me he was so glad to have Benny around so that the other kids could get more experience loving on a special needs friend. I know he meant well and I donĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t think my cringe showed, but IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢d really rather be wasnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t an object lesson for other kids, or a zoo exhibit. It was an ouch but I know he loves the baby and his heart was in a good place.

 

I have gotten the Ă¢â‚¬Å“you must be a special mom, I couldnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t handle _____Ă¢â‚¬ and thatĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s almost as bad. IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢m not special, IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢m just barely hanging in there by GodĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s grace alone. Blah!

I OVERstand. My child isnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t here to inspire yours or make her feel lucky or be a training device for teaching yours a little compassion. I didnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t take a test proving I had some outstanding skill set which resulted in me being qualified to raise a special needs son. We were just a normal family until one day we werenĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t. I Ă¢â‚¬Å“canĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t do itĂ¢â‚¬ either, but you figure it out for your child and somewhere in there normal life has to happen.

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IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢m still pro millennial. I am also pro this blog. I donĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t get some of the bitter reactions, honestly. ItĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s not supposed to be scripture. Or to be a thesis on all the ins and outs of self care. It doesnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t diss anyone else and their solutions to self care even if it does focus on a less commercial perspective. ItĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s just one page with one personĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s musings. IsnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t that what a blog is?

 

I actually liked the article, too. I liked that she examined what self-care can mean, beyond the chocolate plus bubble bath.

To me, self care is much more than the things we do when we are stressed and grab that rescue chocolate and netflix. It is a mind set that is based on a feeling of self worth and the realization that we, too, matter. And that, I think, has little to do with the outside stressors in our lives. If you have a lot on your plate, it is even more important to view sleep, nutrition, time for a walk not as unnecessary luxuries, but as basic, fundamental care for your health and well being. Of course the realities are sometimes such that you can't make the time for it - but I think she is correct that caring for yourself in these basic ways, especially when you are a caregiver for others, is vital.

 

I don't share the sentiment that she does not know what she is talking about, just because she is young. First, we don't know her life. Second, sometimes somebody who is not embroiled in the same difficulties can offer valuable outside perspective.

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I totally agree. At the beginning of summer, I started running. I now run or walk every day. It takes getting up at 4:50 am so I can get to work on time, but it has totally improved my attitude and my life. I wish I had done this years ago.

 

I actually liked the article, too. I liked that she examined what self-care can mean, beyond the chocolate plus bubble bath.

To me, self care is much more than the things we do when we are stressed and grab that rescue chocolate and netflix. It is a mind set that is based on a feeling of self worth and the realization that we, too, matter. And that, I think, has little to do with the outside stressors in our lives. If you have a lot on your plate, it is even more important to view sleep, nutrition, time for a walk not as unnecessary luxuries, but as basic, fundamental care for your health and well being. Of course the realities are sometimes such that you can't make the time for it - but I think she is correct that caring for yourself in these basic ways, especially when you are a caregiver for others, is vital.

 

I don't share the sentiment that she does not know what she is talking about, just because she is young. First, we don't know her life. Second, sometimes somebody who is not embroiled in the same difficulties can offer valuable outside perspective.

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I want to add another thought:

I find it really important to distinguish between nourishing actions that truly care for our health and well being and actions that numb the discomfort and just appear to make us feel better, the ones Jennifer Louden calls "shadow comforts". For example, at the end of a rough day or week, I might feel like vegging in front of the computer because I am so exhausted, but it will leave me with a hollow, unsatisfied feeling. What I really should have done would have been to go to bed early or go for a walk or do something creative, because those would make me feel better in the long term. I found it very helpful to think about and identify these "shadow comforts" to be more mindful about what really nourishes and restores me.

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I want to add another thought:

I find it really important to distinguish between nourishing actions that truly care for our health and well being and actions that numb the discomfort and just appear to make us feel better, the ones Jennifer Louden calls "shadow comforts". For example, at the end of a rough day or week, I might feel like vegging in front of the computer because I am so exhausted, but it will leave me with a hollow, unsatisfied feeling. What I really should have done would have been to go to bed early or go for a walk or do something creative, because those would make me feel better in the long term. I found it very helpful to think about and identify these "shadow comforts" to be more mindful about what really nourishes and restores me.

I think thatĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s part of what the author was getting at though she didnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t put it as eloquently.

 

Another thought- I remember how horrible it felt to be dismissed when I was young because I was young and Ă¢â‚¬Å“couldnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t possibly know what I was talking about Ă¢â‚¬Å“. Of course my views have matured with age. But young people can contribute to the bigger conversations in society. Not that I think that this topic is one of the deepest but it is still worthwhile.

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I want to add another thought:

I find it really important to distinguish between nourishing actions that truly care for our health and well being and actions that numb the discomfort and just appear to make us feel better, the ones Jennifer Louden calls "shadow comforts". For example, at the end of a rough day or week, I might feel like vegging in front of the computer because I am so exhausted, but it will leave me with a hollow, unsatisfied feeling. What I really should have done would have been to go to bed early or go for a walk or do something creative, because those would make me feel better in the long term. I found it very helpful to think about and identify these "shadow comforts" to be more mindful about what really nourishes and restores me.

 

I agree. As one whose life is in utter turmoil right now, I have to watch that what is do is truly best for me versus OK for me. Certain things seem fine, but they drain me. My reserves are already thin, so I have to watch that.

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I hope that we didn't shut down the sharing of what works as self care for different people.  I think that is valuable.  It's just not going to be the same for all people in all circumstances. 

I don't think it should look the same for all people, but I think the elements might remain the same. Do what nourishes you physically, emotionally, spiritually (creatively) and socially. 

That would certainly vary from person to person, and even for one person, there might be an emphasis on one thing or another from day to day.

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Maybe not more valid than someone else's, but more valid for them than other alternatives they might pursue. Right now, I need to ignore indulgence 9/10 of the time. But I've also had a spell where I just staggered through life. I can easily say "I should have <whatever>," but I don't think I could have. I was just...gutted. Depressed. Devastated. The cause would probably make some people laugh, and that's ok. Now that I'm not staggering through, I can see where things crept in that I now need to weed out, and I have the wherewithal again to do something about it. But for those staggering through, that's really probably all they've got.

 

On that note, if one is inclined, google "You Will Fly Again" and read the blog post. Some CC, but I feel like the message is universal and so, so true. But see, it found its way to me when I was grounded and was so spot on for me.

Clarification: grounded as in couldn't fly, not grounded on a solid foundation. Very much not the latter.

(Or I'll add the link if that's ok? I cant keep the forum rules straight, unfortunately.)

 

ETA: Alrighty. I hope this works; I'm editing from my phone.

http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/7061

Edited by CES2005
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Maybe not more valid than someone else's, but more valid for them than other alternatives they might pursue. Right now, I need to ignore indulgence 9/10 of the time. But I've also had a spell where I just staggered through life. I can easily say "I should have <whatever>," but I don't think I could have. I was just...gutted. Depressed. Devastated. The cause would probably make some people laugh, and that's ok. Now that I'm not staggering through, I can see where things crept in that I now need to weed out, and I have the wherewithal again to do something about it. But for those staggering through, that's really probably all they've got.

 

On that note, if one is inclined, google "You Will Fly Again" and read the blog post. Some CC, but I feel like the message is universal and so, so true. But see, it found its way to me when I was grounded and was so spot on for me.

(Or I'll add the link if that's ok? I cant keep the forum rules straight, unfortunately.)

Article and blog links are fine. Selling things or soliciting money are not. Copying whole articles or photos and posting to here are not.

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I have a relative who reminds me of this writer. She may know what works for her, but she assumes that is what everyone else should do too.

 

I agree, she needs to work on doing the hard work and stick to her budget. Her real life is self indulgence. So self care would be acting like a responsible adult.

 

IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢m already hyper responsible. I need no reminders to pay my bills and get the hard work done. I actually do need the self care of a salt bath and Netflix. I donĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t eat sugar though.

 

She is rejuvenated by going to a party or shopping. Doing those things make me feel drained so spending time on the computer actually helps me recover from too much stimulation.

 

I get so tired of people who have all of the answers when they figure out one tiny thing that only applies to some small percentage of the population anyway.

 

Bah Humbug!

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She is rejuvenated by going to a party or shopping. Doing those things make me feel drained so spending time on the computer actually helps me recover from too much stimulation.

 

 

 

Mee too. Going to parties or shopping is work. Give me a good book and a cup of tea instead. :)

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It sounds to me just like, "If only those poor people would just spend their money more wisely, on rice and beans, instead of fast food  - that would be the responsible thing to do and they wouldn't be so poor all the time!"

 

Now, I am super sympathetic to the above.  Many poor people (and many rich people) are irresponsible with money.  Many people who are depressed, or under a lot of stress, or work all the @#$% time, do things they might call "self care" that are actually not all that good for them.

 

But (newsflash) they aren't doing these things because they think they're good for them in the long term.  Poor people don't think buying a 6 pack of beer and a frozen pizza on Friday night instead of another night of beans and rice is actually good for their budget in the long term, either.  What they mean by "self care" is not "do the most responsible thing I can do to make myself feel better and work more efficiently over the next 6 months"; rather, it's "take the night off and do something self-indulgent for once because I've just about reached my limit of endurance in this moment."

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I love it, and I hate it.  It made me very uncomfortable.

 

On one hand, I could be a lot more productive (and therefore experience much fewer feelings pending doom) if I got a few more things done, rather than binge watching a mindless sitcom.  I'd feel physically better if I'd IP some shredded chicken and rice (and save money) rather than ordering some not-real-pizza from a crummy delivery chain to "take a night off".  I'd be less tense driving to early morning activities if I'd quit leaving stuff in the car every time I exited it.  So I can agree that sometimes self-care IS doing the stuff we don't particularly want to do so the avoidance doesn't build up later.

 

On the other hand, like others have mentioned, my stress isn't foo-foo.  My busyness isn't trivial.  I don't have an Insta-life. My Facebook is mostly to keep my family in the loop and to share (what I consider to be) my amusing parenting fails. And sometimes actual, important stuff.  I don't Lula-oil-candle-book-shake with the Joneses (though I do have a weakness for Thirty-One bags.)  In a frivolous month, I might hit up Target twice, and it's probably for underwear or a cleaning product.

 

The ability to say no is crucial, though.  I have a difficult time prioritizing because I find all of my activities and responsibilities to be important.  Meeting my kids educational, emotional, and financial needs.  Being a responsible and productive community member.  Caring for family and friends. Trying to keep my house safe and functional.  Keeping myself healthy in order to do those things.  I do need to say no more often, but it's hard when we're talking about charities and college planning, not selfies and $10 bath bombs.

 

(Luxurious baths would require descaling my tub much more frequently, anyway, and I tend to say no to that.)

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I think you said this very well!

 

I love it, and I hate it. It made me very uncomfortable.

 

On one hand, I could be a lot more productive (and therefore experience much fewer feelings pending doom) if I got a few more things done, rather than binge watching a mindless sitcom. I'd feel physically better if I'd IP some shredded chicken and rice (and save money) rather than ordering some not-real-pizza from a crummy delivery chain to "take a night off". I'd be less tense driving to early morning activities if I'd quit leaving stuff in the car every time I exited it. So I can agree that sometimes self-care IS doing the stuff we don't particularly want to do so the avoidance doesn't build up later.

 

On the other hand, like others have mentioned, my stress isn't foo-foo. My busyness isn't trivial. I don't have an Insta-life. My Facebook is mostly to keep my family in the loop and to share (what I consider to be) my amusing parenting fails. And sometimes actual, important stuff. I don't Lula-oil-candle-book-shake with the Joneses (though I do have a weakness for Thirty-One bags.) In a frivolous month, I might hit up Target twice, and it's probably for underwear or a cleaning product.

 

The ability to say no is crucial, though. I have a difficult time prioritizing because I find all of my activities and responsibilities to be important. Meeting my kids educational, emotional, and financial needs. Being a responsible and productive community member. Caring for family and friends. Trying to keep my house safe and functional. Keeping myself healthy in order to do those things. I do need to say no more often, but it's hard when we're talking about charities and college planning, not selfies and $10 bath bombs.

 

(Luxurious baths would require descaling my tub much more frequently, anyway, and I tend to say no to that.)

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It spoke to me the morning I saw it, because just the night before I had told my dh in a moment of frustration that I don't have the luxury of self care. I can't take the night off from cooking, go get a pedicure, buy a fancy cup of coffee, or a new outfit or fresh makeup or skincare, have a hobby, or even read a book unless I let go of something else. That's just not my life right now.

So when I read this it helped me sort of let go of the frustration and self pity. The things she talks about I actually can do, and if I can change my perspective and think of those things as self care, I can let go of the frustration about not having what the market calls "self care."

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited by SamanthaCarter
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Maybe counseling? Indivudual and/or marriage? I just started personal counseling, and DH and I are going to marriage counseling. It's been a huge benefit to our family and me individually.

 

Also, we've done lots of church counseling in the past, but not professional. You couldn't pay me to go to church counseling now. So much time and many years were wasted seeking help from nonprofessionals.

 

:confused1:  My marriage is fine. My daughter is getting all the help we can possibly give her. We juggle a busy life with stressers on it pretty darn well if I do say so myself. And part of that juggling act is making sure everyone gets the self-care that they need.

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Genuine question Mimm...how ?

 

I literally have no idea how to balance the major stressor plus the all the chronic stressors, plus school, work, general parenting etc AND make sure that 4 people, myself included, get all the self care they need. 

 

The most caring thing I could do for myself right now would be to take time off and go away on a break. How do the moms in a challening situation get that ? They can't. 

 

I am guessing that your dh must be more involved than mine is. 

 

I'm not saying we're perfect at it of course. But yes, my husband is very involved and I wouldn't be dealing nearly as well without his involvement and support. He is going out of town next week and I'm not looking forward to it. He comes home from work and I frequently take half an hour alone in my room. He's very helpful with the kids and totally understands when I simply say, "I need a break." I respect his veg time, which is mostly video gaming. Oldest gets the most care of course. Middle gets stressed from a demanding school schedule, but we do our best to support her in setting and meeting her own goals and priorities rather than imposing our own and this helps. Everyone tries to meet Youngest's needs which are the easiest at this age.

 

I've dealt with anxiety for the first time this summer. I didn't ignore it, and got what help I could to try to manage it better. I felt like I couldn't possibly deal with this at this time because I'm stretched too thin as it is. I was honest with my kids that this was something I was going through and when I'm laying in bed emotionally crippled, or exhausted from meds I take as needed, they take up the slack as best they can. We have a family culture that isn't perfect but it is one of trying to help everyone do what they need to do and help meet everyone's needs. Again, we aren't perfect, but we do our best.

 

I will say that if I needed a longer time off, I couldn't do that at the drop of a hat. But if it was a very serious need, my husband would actually have the freedom to take a week off work and allow me to leave town and visit family or whatever. It would be a sacrifice but it would be doable. I've been in situations most of our married life where this would not be possible, so we are fortunate that it is now. And fortunate we haven't needed to take advantage of it. I have been in situations where I simply couldn't meet my emotional needs and it was hard. You take it one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time. And realize that everything always changes, eventually. Even if the problem is a permanent one, your ability to cope and resources to deal with it may change in the future. It's hard. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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I liked the article. It sounds to me like the people who bristled at the article really are overwhelmed and responded on this thread from a position of exhaustion with no end in sight. And so I get it that the blog was distressing for those hivers to read. If I wasn't on the ipad, I'd put a hug emoji here for you.

 

However, I think the blog post was spot on for the majority of people. The blog was about looking deeper into what really benefits a person long-term vs a bandaid fix.

 

I have found myself doing the things in the blog she suggested to great benefit--eating well, getting off the computer and accomplishing a task, etc. I've also found myself not doing the things she suggested to my detriment--slacking off my exercise routine and then feeling creaky and unflexible from being too sedentary.

 

I know people who would greatly benefit from reading this who do have huge commitments and obstacles in their lives, yet still need the type of self care from the article. I have a friend who is pre-diabetic and stretched very, very thin in her life. Taking a bath would just stress her out more because she'd feel anxious about all the things she needs to do. It wouldn't be self-care in the long run. The problem is that she runs a day care and gets so involved in caring for the children that most days she doesn't eat a single bite of food until 4 pm. Being pre-diabetic, that's self-destructive. She needs to self care by eating something, anything, during the day. This blog would do someone like her good to read.

Edited by Garga
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I have one huge bone of contention. The way I read it, she assumes that all the pressure that results in the need for self care is internally applied, by our own desire to keep up with false expectations.

 

What about the expectations that are real and somewhat forced upon us?

 

Homeschooling because the public schools in one's district are a dangerous and unacceptable alternative.

Taking on a job in addition to homeschooling because the cost of living and health care has escalated.

Returning to full time work or reeducation because the spouse turned out to be a schmuck.

Dealing with the needs of parents who were irresponsible or simply unable to provide for their own long term needs.

Children or spouses with dire medical situations or special needs that require full time care.

 

 

I have been told by my physician that if I don't get serious about self care now, I am setting myself up for some long term health issues. I do agree with the writer that true self care must be nitty gritty - it's all about discipline. But that's much harder when meeting the real needs of others is the reason behind the need for the self care rather than merely reexamining whether or not you should be trying to keep up with the Joneses.

This!

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

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I liked the article. It sounds to me like the people who bristled at the article really are overwhelmed and responded on this thread from a position of exhaustion with no end in sight. And so I get it that the blog was distressing for those hivers to read. If I wasn't on the ipad, I'd put a hug emoji here for you.

 

However, I think the blog post was spot on for the majority of people. The blog was about looking deeper into what really benefits a person long-term vs a bandaid fix.

 

I have found myself doing the things in the blog she suggested to great benefit--eating well, getting off the computer and accomplishing a task, etc. I've also found myself not doing the things she suggested to my detriment--slacking off my exercise routine and then feeling creaky and unflexible from being too sedentary.

 

I know people who would greatly benefit from reading this who do have huge commitments and obstacles in their lives, yet still need the type of self care from the article. I have a friend who is pre-diabetic and stretched very, very thin in her life. Taking a bath would just stress her out more because she'd feel anxious about all the things she needs to do. It wouldn't be self-care in the long run. The problem is that she runs a day care and gets so involved in caring for the children that most days she doesn't eat a single bite of food until 4 pm. Being pre-diabetic, that's self-destructive. She needs to self care by eating something, anything, during the day. This blog would do someone like her good to read.

No. Not really. IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢m not overwhelmed and exhausted at all. In fact, I have a lot of time and energy for self-care nowadays. Not only do I encourage other moms to do it too, but I help them physically with household tasks and responsibilities when possible so they can. This is still not an article I would personally recommend to any of my friends.

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This is a HUGE thing for anyone who really needs self care. Help make it happen for them.

 

When dc was in hospital, my sister just rocked up with sleeping meds and adrenal support herbs, said 'here, take this', and put me to bed. She didn't say 'oh, I've got a good article for you on self care.' or 'are you looking after yourself ?' - she just made it so sleep and re-energising could happen.

So true! If gov saved half the money they spend on printing PND quizzes and put them toward giving mums a better hospital experience or more in home support it would be great.

 

Worst thing is I want to be that person that turns up with a meal and a vacuum cleaner or whatever is needed but the social anxiety plus introvert plus crazy homeschooling life is making me not that great at doing it. I need to lift my game at other people care as well as self care...

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We can't do all the things.

 

My only point was that some things are more helpful than an article :)

So who does have the time for those things? 20-somethings? Empty-nester 50-somethings? Perhaps you could write an article that might inspire them to consider those things? Or maybe a 20-something writer with some time could write an article that at least gets people thinking about what self-care really means? That blog post might then not be helpful to you specifically, but it might help move society in the general direction you are pointing out we so desperately need to go.

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The whole concept of 'self care' is a fairly narcissistic one, really. And can better be described as 'have good habits'. 

 

I don't think so. I observe that many women who are carers for others (children, elders) put their own needs last, to the degree that they will not take care of their basic health because culture drums it into women that being a martyr is  a good thing.

Getting women to realize that they, too, matter, that their needs are valid, and that they need to take care of themselves in order to be able to take care of others is a good thing IMO.

 

ETA: And I intentionally said 'women", because I observe the behavior much more in women than in men.

Edited by regentrude
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I don't think so. I observe that many women who are carers for others (children, elders) put their own needs last, to the degree that they will not take care of their basic health because culture drums it into women that being a martyr is  a good thing.

Getting women to realize that they, too, matter, that their needs are valid, and that they need to take care of themselves in order to be able to take care of others is a good thing IMO.

 

ETA: And I intentionally said 'women", because I observe the behavior much more in women than in men.

 

Is it that? Or is it the plain truth for so many that no one is going to come and help?

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Is it that? Or is it the plain truth for so many that no one is going to come and help?

 

I think social conditioning that women are expected to sacrifice themselves for their families is pretty strong. And often women are flaunting it in masochism (and look down on, and badmouth, women who refuse to play that game)

I think there is a difference between doing what's needed and playing up the martyr part.

Edited by regentrude
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I don't think so. I observe that many women who are carers for others (children, elders) put their own needs last, to the degree that they will not take care of their basic health because culture drums it into women that being a martyr is a good thing.

Getting women to realize that they, too, matter, that their needs are valid, and that they need to take care of themselves in order to be able to take care of others is a good thing IMO.

 

ETA: And I intentionally said 'women", because I observe the behavior much more in women than in men.

I don't know that I observe it more in women. It's just different in men -- working long hours, long commutes, night shifts, time sacrificed with their families to make sure the family can eat.

 

ETA: before someone jumps my stuff about this, this is what I observe in my circles. Women that are running themselves ragged caretaking have husbands doing the same in a different capacity. No one is getting off easy, or at least not one gender consistently.

 

I wish it didn't have to be about which gender has it the worst.

 

I think most of the world (and most of human history for that matter) would find the American idea of "self care" to be obscenely decadent, in any case.

Edited by EmseB
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We are all healthiest when we have balance in our lives.

 

So caring for ourselves means that when we get too far over to one extreme, we make an effort to move more towards center.

 

Now the problem is that so many of us are at the extreme of caring for others out of necessity. There is no one else who can/will do the work. That is when we really need to try to help each other. IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been in that spot.

 

When my dad was dying, I had a nursing infant. He was in hospice but wanted to return to his hoarder home to die.

 

My best friend stepped up and cleaned his house so he could go home. That is the real life help that we need in times of trouble, not advice.

 

Right now, my life is pretty easy. I only have 2 kids left at home. They are at a cooperative age. There is no reason for me remain at the extreme of caring for others and neglecting myself.

 

I actually have a checklist for my self care. It includes eating a good breakfast, taking my vitamins, bathing, remembering to take some tea with me when I bring the kids to swim practice. We already get a lot of sleep, so that one isnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t on my list.

 

I have a childless relative who doesnĂ¢â‚¬â„¢t work and has a maid and basically obsesses over herself 24 hours a day. She needs to move over towards the middle by doing hard things and paying her bills and thinking long term and caring for others.

 

So I understand why some people respond to this post and others find it insulting.

 

It would have been so much more palatable if the author had titled it Ă¢â‚¬Å“pondering on self careĂ¢â‚¬ and had used qualifiers like Ă¢â‚¬Å“for meĂ¢â‚¬ or Ă¢â‚¬Å“perhapsĂ¢â‚¬ instead of asserting Ă¢â‚¬Å“What Self-Care Really IsĂ¢â‚¬.

 

It just screams immaturity.

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I am familiar with a different definition for "self care", as has been presented to my daughter frequently in therapy for depression; that is, assuring that basic needs have been met: bathing, eating, etc. I was expecting something entirely different in this discussion, but do think some interesting points have been made.

 

My takeaway from the article, which I read before reading the comments, was that the young woman was cautioning against escapism (in the form of procrastination or other indulgences) when faced with difficulties. I'm certainly guilty of that, and can see her point (if that is, in fact, her point.) It probably is a particularly valuable message for her generation.

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Not sure if you are responding to my comment about this being a valuable message for her generation?

 

My reason for that statement is that I think it's a particularly valuable piece of advice for people who are early along in their life path, without too much baggage. Hopefully they could avoid some of life's difficulties (not all, but perhaps some) with this concept. And behavioral responses tend to be cemented the longer we use them.

 

Absolutely no intended implications about characteristics of any particular generation on my part.

 

 

 

 

Edited by GoodGrief
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And now I see people saying this is maybe for young people.  Well I'm 51.  I was doing "all the right things" according to the article while my life was relatively predictable, but when big changes hit, I fell off the wagon, and then here came some more changes ... so for me, despite being 51, it's a time in my life when I need to pull my head back out of my butt and do the right things.

 

But that's just me.  :P

 

PS the article didn't scream "young and inexperienced" to me .  I have friends who are older than I am who fit what she is describing.

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A funny related to self care.

 

We are a one bathroom house. So itĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s polite to warn people when you will be occupying it for awhile. About once a month I, ... need the toliet for awhile. I let my family know IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢ll be wanting it on and off, mostly on for the next two hours or so by saying, Ă¢â‚¬Å“IĂ¢â‚¬â„¢m going to be having some me timeĂ¢â‚¬. So, to my kids, Ă¢â‚¬Å“me timeĂ¢â‚¬ meant the person had the runs and was giong to be occupying the bathroom for a bit.

 

At my parents house the kids saw a commercial for ladies wanting to get away for some, Ă¢â‚¬Å“me timeĂ¢â‚¬ for the whole weekend. They were very very confused, first off about how women could know enough to schedule it far in advance, and the fact they would want friends with them, and could spend the whole weekend having, Ă¢â‚¬Å“me timeĂ¢â‚¬.

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Not sure if you are responding to my comment about this being a valuable message for her generation?

 

My reason for that statement is that I think it's a particularly valuable piece of advice for people who are early along in their life path, without too much baggage. Hopefully they could avoid some of life's difficulties (not all, but perhaps some) with this concept. And behavioral responses tend to be cemented the longer we use them.

 

Absolutely no intended implications about characteristics of any particular generation on my part.

 

 

Sorry, possibly I am slightly sensitive :)

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I prefer to get my advice from people with more life experience than me. 

 

I do not think this article will move society in the general direction of being more helpful to each other.

 

The whole concept of 'self care' is a fairly narcissistic one, really. And can better be described as 'have good habits'. 

I've learned some things and heard some truths from younger people, as well as older. Are you really saying your kids have never offered you good advice?

 

Having thought about it, here's my article:

 

Try to cultivate good and healthy habits. Help other people when you can. 

Since the author's thrust is distinguishing between consumer, indulgent self-care and actual self-care, if you re-read the article and wherever the author refers to actual self-care, replace with 'good and healthy habits', you've pretty much written the same article.

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Eh, the article sounds good but I kind of don't get it. Maybe because I was a military wife for so long and there were times when I really did neglect myself because I didn't have a choice. No amount of "rewiring what I have" was going to bring my husband back from Afghanistan early. I wish then I had listened to people older and wiser who had urged self-care of the common sort she seems to be ranting against. I could have used more babysitters, a housekeeper, a night out with girlfriends, a little more takeout, and a haircut more often. I did fine but there's nothing wrong with wanting a break or escape from routine either. That's why people take vacations, even when they love their work. 

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Sadie, you really made me think on this thread. So I am cross-posting something I wrote in another thread here. Helping someone else do self care...

 

So after reading SadieĂ¢â‚¬â„¢s posts on the self-care thread, I decided to put some magic into Christmas for another family. The family across the street has a 4 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old, and they are expecting in June or July, so mom is really tired. So we are taking their kids for a few nights between now and Christmas to do Christmas crafts, decorate cookies, and make presents for mom and dad. I also made the whole family Christmas pillowcases and got them my favorite Christmas book from when I was little. So while my kids are big and want wireless ear pods and a subscription to Netflix for Christmas, we are all going to have fun playing with the kids from across the street. And mom and dad will get a break for some self care. (And I will be making dinner for the kids at my house and mom and dad at their house.)

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Eh, the article sounds good but I kind of don't get it. Maybe because I was a military wife for so long and there were times when I really did neglect myself because I didn't have a choice. No amount of "rewiring what I have" was going to bring my husband back from Afghanistan early. I wish then I had listened to people older and wiser who had urged self-care of the common sort she seems to be ranting against. I could have used more babysitters, a housekeeper, a night out with girlfriends, a little more takeout, and a haircut more often. I did fine but there's nothing wrong with wanting a break or escape from routine either. That's why people take vacations, even when they love their work. 

I share regrets like that, too. This article did suggest, though, that taking those breaks needed to be an intentional part of our routine caring for ourselves, rather than a form of procrastination or self-sabotage.

 

Final line from the article:

Someone who knows that salt baths and chocolate cake are ways to enjoy life Ă¢â‚¬â€œ not escape from it. tc_mark.gif

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I've been pondering this opinion piece since yesterday. 

 

Now, I've just come off of the most stressful year of my life. Both of my parents died, my college son had a health crisis and I was the executor of my mother's estate. So, I know grief, stress, depression and a whole host of other emotions on an intimate level. I have also death with other crises throughout different times in my life, stressful jobs w/deadlines and my son has a disability that I have had to manage for years. Additionally, my husband travels about 40% of the time.  I am looking a this from a place of experience.

 

I think she has a great point in encouraging people to build lives that they don't need to escape/recover from. We should be able to structure our lives in a way that minimizes our everyday stress as much as possible.   For me, that means taking control of the aspects of my life that I can control. Doing that helps me cope with things that I can't control. 

 
There were some routines and material things that I already had in place because they made my everyday life easier. When I entered my crisis period, they helped us survive the long term stress I found myself living under: 
 
I shopped w/coupons and stocked up on items when they were on sale. This meant that we lived off of our "stock" and it cut down on my errands over the past year. It was months before I had to think about whether or not we had deodorant, paper products, detergent, cleaning supplies, etc.. 
 
i was caught up on family paperwork - insurance claims, correspondence,  etc. was all up to date, which meant I could let things like that slide for several months while I traveled back and forth to my parents' home to be there for them and then to clean it out and prepare it for sale. We had an established system to make sure bills were paid and we stuck to that system. My contact list in my phone was up to date so I was never with out a number I needed, no matter where I was. 
 
Caught up on housekeeping - I could let things go a bit because I knew I only had a couple of weeks of grime on my carpet and that it wasn't a tragedy if I went for months without vacuuming, or moping the floor, etc. because I wasn't making a bad situation worse. Instead, being caught up meant I had the freedom to prioritize other things over what amounts to routine care. 
 
Routine house & car maintenance was up to date or already scheduled. I didn't have a small problem becoming a big problem during this past year. I could plan my travel around scheduled appointments or I could arrange for someone else to take care of something in my absense. Now, I have several small problems that have arisen over the past many months that I am tackling now that I have breathing room, but I only have about a year of small problems built up instead of more than a year's worth and, to my knowledge, I don't have any large problems pending. 
 
Strong friendships - Because I had spent time cultivating friendships, I had a lot of friends that I could unload on when I needed to - they just let me talk. They offered ideas when I asked for them. They understood that my time was limited and didn't take it personally when I couldn't be there for the movie night or to watch their kids or take them to that doctors appointment.  Now I can cultivate those relationships and grow them once again - I am actually going to a small Christmas party later this week where i will get to see some good friends and I will have an opportunity to make new friends as well. Not only that, I can be a listening ear to a friend who is now helping her own family members.
 
I think that is the type of thing that she means when she talks about everyday self care - taking care of daily business so that you don't create your own crisis or complicate a crisis that occurs due to outside circumstances. My life would have been much more stressful if I had not had these systems in place - the systems ran on autopilot, so to speak. That gave me more time and emotional resources to dedicate to the various crises that I encountered. They did not eliminate the stress,  they just didn't complicate it. I could leave home and know the essentials were taken care of - I wasn't sitting in a hospital room trying to pay my bills online or trying to figure out why the ceiling had fallen in, even though it had been wet for months (I took care of a small ceiling leak previously so that the problem didn't get worse). I could be more present where I was - I could fully be with my parents, with my family and then concentrate on the very real work that comes with cleaning out a house and settling an estate. 
 
She alludes to making a budget - that isn't going to eliminate the stress that comes with what happens when expenses exceed income, but it gives you a reference point as you make daily decisions. Many people are able to be proactive with their budget - saving for car repairs so that the money is available when the repair is needed, for example. Without the budget, the car repair could be a crisis that was avoidable. Yes, I recognize that there are many people who don't have the funds to save for the car repair and that car repair becomes  real crisis for them - but for those who could have saved and didn't, it is a crisis of their own making in some ways. She mentions that caring for people is more important than some goals - I took that to mean that we need to be routinely looking at our goals and making sure they are compatible with our priorities - if spending time with people is important, then make sure striving to meet your goals allows for you to continue to spend time with people that are important to you. If they don't, then reevaluate the goal in light of your priorities.  If you don't do that, it's possible relationships will suffer or that rushed encounters lead to misunderstandings and additional stress in a relationship that wouldn't be there if you had made sure to prioritize those relationships. Keeping up with household tasks looks different for everyone - someone else may make it their routine to vacuum the carpet daily or weekly or monthly, but having a routine in place helps minimize the number of household tasks that "must" be done in order for things to keep functioning (not functioning at an optimal level during a crisis, but just functioning). 
 

As far as self care that only impacts me goes - this is what it looks like on a regular basis: 

shower daily & get dressed

moisturize

wear makeup 

get haircut regularly 

get eyebrows waxed regularly 

always have a book with me to read - and grab stray moments to do it as well as setting aside time to read every night

time for my hobby of quilting 

 

In order for me to do those things, I have to do a certain amount of planning - budgeting, acquiring needed supplies, doing laundry, making appointments, time management, etc.. If I don't do that planning, then getting these mostly routine self-care tasks becomes stressful in itself. 

 

During the past year, my self-care looked more like this: 

Getting a shower every couple of days, getting dressed daily 

getting my haircut every three months or so - when I realized I wanted a headband instead of the hair dryer 

wearing makeup for appointments with care providers, attorneys, etc. 

having a book with me to read and sometimes spending a few hours at a time "escaping" from life by doing so 

eating junk food, because it was available and it was easy

 

I think that there is value in what she has written because she is encouraging making proactive choices every day. She does not explain how doing so can help prevent a crisis, not does she go into how these everyday choices help in times of great stress or crisis, because she very well may not have that type of experience. Self care is very practical - it doesn't have to involve scented candles and special tea, although for some it will. But, why not light that scented candle while you are working on your budget instead of waiting for financial crisis to hit and getting to the point that it is necessary to your well being to retreat for a period of time to rejuvenate. Enjoy the special things regularly while you take care of business. During times of crisis, I don't always have time to enjoy the special things, but if they are readily available to me (I have the candle and the tea on hand), then it is easier to grab that 30 minutes or 3 hours of escape without having to create a grand plan. 

Edited by TechWife
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