What are the secrets? The unwritten rules?

[MamaBearTeacher]

What are the secrets nobody talks about? What do we need to know but aren't told directly? What are the things you have learned as you get older or found out when you were young? What are the unwritten rules?

 

This is very open-ended. Share your own experience or life secrets you have learned. I

[SparklyUnicorn]

That moms don't really have eyes in the back of their heads.  They know what you are doing because they pulled the same crap when they were younger.  :laugh:

[Laura Corin]

That plans usually don't come to fruition, so flexibility is a really key trait. I planned an academic career; didn't plan to marry; planned a business career in the City; didn't plan to have children, let alone stay home and home educate them; didn't plan to go back to work full time; definitely didn't plan to have my mum to live with us.....

[Lisa R.]

For my daughters, I tell them that girls can seek attention or respect. Attention is easy to get. Respect is not. Aim for respect. It takes longer but it earned and it is satisfying.

 

When girls/ women take that advice to heart, it changes how and why they make certain choices. It’s helped my daughters become more independent and want to make wiser choices for themselves while foregoing some of the shallowness than can be temporarily rewarding but fleeting and ultimately empty.

[madteaparty]

There's no rewards for doing it the hard way.

There is something to be said about doing it your way though.

[Pawz4me]

Many, if not most, of the things you worry about happening in the future won't. Or if they do they'll turn out to be nowhere near the big deal you thought. What will get you will be things you never, ever imagined. Or even if you did you dismissed them, thinking they'd never happen to you.

[umsami]

Most women hate their bodies and their looks.  Even the girl who you think is so pretty and popular.  Thing is, boys are the complete opposite.  They don't see you as too fat, or that nearly invisible pimple which you think the whole world is focused on.... they think you're funny, nice, and even cute.  Like yourself. If you like yourself, it makes it much easier for everybody else too.   Much easier to find media role models of all sizes these days. 

 

 

School was easy for me for the most part and I never had to study much until I hit organic chemistry as a post-bac.  I thought, however, that only stupid people needed tutors and help.  I would have done much better had I learned to study back when things were easier, and I had learned that seeking help was the sign of a smart or want to be smart person.

Edited November 18, 2017 by umsami

[umsami]

Boundaries can be huge.  Girls are often taught (as I was) to be nice.....and sometimes you really can be too nice.  Being too nice means you sometimes don't say when things make you uncomfortable, or when people impose on you too much, etc. 

 

 

Trust your instincts. 

 

 

Although nothing new, don't do anything that you wouldn't want on the cover of the NYTimes (or Google News, I guess these days). 

 

Start saving young. 10% of your salary.  When you get a job, set it up so that 10% (or a set amount) automatically goes into a 401k or savings account. Do not touch that money at all. 

 

Even though very atypical these days, much easier to track your spending if you use cash.  Give yourself an allotment for the week, when you're out of cash, you stop spending.  Seems simple, but it's something that many people don't learn until later in life.  If you must use a credit/debit card, write down (in an app or whatever) every cent you spend and total it at the end of the day.  When you hit your budgeted amount, leave your credit/debit card at home.

[Janie Grace]

Learn to ask questions and follow-up questions. Be curious about others. No one likes awkward silence, and no one wants to hear someone else talk about themselves incessantly, even if the speaker is entertaining (and especially not if they are prone to negativity). Learn how to share interesting stories/pieces of information. There are ways to communicate that are engaging and ways that are not. (This is all based on this not coming naturally to me and having to pay attention to others who were "born" socially savvy. It goes a long way to work on this skill.)

[plansrme]

You can have it all. Just not at the same time.

[Cindy in FL.]

I overheard my dgs talking to my nephew recently about why he (dgs) was being mean to his sisters. He explained that his parents had told him that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. Since his sisters were being mean to him, then it obviously meant they wanted to be treated meanly. He was happy to oblige!

 

the golden rule applies...both versions

 

no one else's life is yours to command

[madteaparty]

I've learned as I've gotten older that it's really important to teach your children (as best you can) the importance of knowing how to pick good relationships. Friends, dates, spouse, etc. How to have a good "relationship picker" will serve them well. I've learned this because of my own life experiences with people through the years, including parents. The cliche "if people show you who they are, believe them" is something I've found to be true for the most part. Example: A liar is going to be a liar; they often don't change. Same is true for abusive and toxic people. Hence, the importance of being VERY careful with that "relationship picker".

 

Also, and equally important, no matter to whom you bond in life, never lose your own self identity and sense of self worth.

So true. Not sure it's teachable. Something to think about though.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

You need to live on your own terms, trying to do it someone else’s way isn’t going to work.

[KungFuPanda]

Learn to ask questions and follow-up questions. Be curious about others. No one likes awkward silence, and no one wants to hear someone else talk about themselves incessantly, even if the speaker is entertaining (and especially not if they are prone to negativity). Learn how to share interesting stories/pieces of information. There are ways to communicate that are engaging and ways that are not. (This is all based on this not coming naturally to me and having to pay attention to others who were "born" socially savvy. It goes a long way to work on this skill.)

I've learned that one person's awkward silence is another person's comfortable silence. It took me YEARS of living with and producing introverts to get this.

 

ETA: THEN I corrected too far the other direction and catered to the introverts until I realized they were perfectly happy making the rest of us become hermits and thus began my quest for balance. You should have HEARD the conversation I had with DH because he didn't understand why we needed to go to a family bar mitzvah then see the SAME people two weeks later for Thanksgiving. It's like he's from space. It's HIS family. (We're not Jewish. We've just somehow annexed a Jewish family we've known for 20 years into ours and we all have Thanksgiving at DH's brother's house. My theory is DH confused the insane amount of food served ALL DAY for an alternative Thanksgiving meal.)

Edited November 18, 2017 by KungFuPanda

[UncleEJ]

That adults don't really know what they are doing either. I remember being a kid and thinking that adults knew what to do about everything. Now, I know better. It's all guess work. LOL.

[Caroline]

Fair isn’t always equal.

[BarbecueMom]

Freedom to make choices does not equal freedom from consequences. And choosing a path does not equal choosing an outcome.

[J-rap]

That adults are often just older versions of kids.  Just because they're adults doesn't mean they're any wiser, even if they're professionals.  (Academically smarter maybe, but wiser??)

 

 

[wintermom]

Some people actually do have their own "secret" agenda that is not in line with the direction of the group. You may not know what it is, but it can explain some strange behaviour. 

 

 

Being adult doesn't necessarily mean acting mature and responsible. 

[gardenmom5]

For my daughters, I tell them that girls can seek attention or respect. Attention is easy to get. Respect is not. Aim for respect. It takes longer but it earned and it is satisfying.

 

When girls/ women take that advice to heart, it changes how and why they make certain choices. It’s helped my daughters become more independent and want to make wiser choices for themselves while foregoing some of the shallowness than can be temporarily rewarding but fleeting and ultimately empty.

 

they can have both, though the attention comes *from* the respect.  1dd never sought for attention - but she's certainly getting it in her current job.   from the lowliest peon to the ceo (roughly 200 ppl - and tech vendors), but it's because of the respect they have for what she is doing.  they all know who she is.  she had a meeting with one of the co-ceo's yesterday, and "closed the door".  he thought she was resigning.  (paranoid much D? just 'cause the cfo and payroll clerk resigned last week  . . . .    she was just venting, loudly, about their parent company.)

 

 

 

 

don't worry about what other people think, they really aren't thinking about you.   so just be your best self.

[gardenmom5]

Fair isn’t always equal.

 

my friend's mother used to say "life isn't fair.  and you don't' want it to be."  (re: you got it good kid.)

[Element]

Pee after s*x and baths. Unless you like UTIs. 

[Lorien]

Don’t assume a kid knows what you’re talking about and end the conversation with, “Well, you know,†when the topic gets difficult or embarrassing. Kids don’t have the life experience to be able to fill in the blanks so it’s better to tell them the truth, even if the truth makes you uncomfortable.

 

(Thanks, parent who did this to me all.the.time! 😄)

[Night Elf]

I learned as an adult after I was married that it's never a good idea to go into a marriage with the idea that you can change your spouse in any way. You can encourage and discourage but true change can only come within. Forced change can lead to negative feelings. 

[nixpix5]

That you really can't be anything you want when you grow up regardless of what you are told. We all tend to play to our strengths instead.

 

 

You have no control over others. You cannot change your spouse, your parents, your kids, your friends. You can only control yourself and your own boundaries.

Edited November 18, 2017 by nixpix5

[plansrme]

That you really can't be anything you want when you grow up regardless of what you are told. 

 

This is one of my pet peeves--we are not doing our kids a service by telling them that they can be anything they want if they just put their mind to it.  Ugh.  There is a limit to where your body or your talent or your brain will take you. 

[LMD]

You have more agency and less control than you think.

 

Choose D - none of the above! ie, you really don't have to follow 'the life script'

 

Finish things well.

 

Need less, rather than want more.

 

A good reputation is valuable.

[Heidi]

Serving others and doing good is the secret to happiness.

 

My husband just started another year-long deployment less than a week ago.  I've been an emotional basket-case this week, feeling lonely and overwhelmed and missing him terribly; the first week is always the hardest.  But those moments when I decided to pull out of myself, notice someone around me, and offer a compliment or a hand, my depression and sadness go away immediately.  The world is again a happy place to be, even without my best friend by my side.  I think this applies to many situations.  Serve others!  Eating ice-cream and watching The Office helps too, but just a little.

[creekland]

No matter how hard you try, or how much you want to, some problems just can't be fixed. 

 

You can't make someone learn life lessons.  You can explain, but that's all you can do.

 

There is no single right way to parent.  

 

We all have the same feelings, but not every "same" event produces those feelings.

 

Then there's an often written, but very true rule.  It's just a difficult rule to learn:

 

Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's almost all small stuff.

[nevergiveup]

Life is not fair.

[Tanaqui]

What are the secrets nobody talks about? What do we need to know but aren't told directly? What are the things you have learned as you get older or found out when you were young? What are the unwritten rules?

 

1. Everybody is faking it. Nobody knows what they're doing. And they're so focused on hiding this fact that they won't notice that you're playing the same game, so why stress?

 

2. Bacon always takes longer to cook than the package states.

 

3. Most people are kinda dumb, and very ignorant, and the only reason nobody spells this out to you as a kid is because you're not allowed to say that even though it's true.

 

4. If you get up in the middle of the night to deal with your menstrual issues, you probably won't have stained sheets in the morning. I won't tell you how long it took me to figure THAT one out.

[abba12]

The ONLY persons actions you can control are yours. It's all well and good to say 'he should do this' or 'she should be doing that' or 'they can't do that' but all the lamenting in the world of how it 'should' be wont change that it ISNT. Stop whinging that people aren't doing what they're supposed to do, and put that energy into deciding what you will choose to do. Those are the actions you get to control, no one elses. 

 

Not quite an unwritten rule but, also, you can do what you like. Seriously. Go to the beach at 2am, buy ice cream from the 24 hour store, and sit on the shore watching the waves just because you want to. Look at the trashed house and say 'I don't give a damn' and go to the park with your kids. You're allowed to. It's not what we're 'supposed' to do, but, doing something we're not 'supposed' to but are perfectly able and entitled to do every now and then is good for you. It reminds you that you have more control over your own life than you realise, you don't have to follow the expected path. 

 

There's a season for everything. We don't need to do everything NOW. The period of my life which is parenthood is actually relatively small, being a parent isn't your entire life forever. Once the kids I have now are adults DH will still have 30+ years of his working life ahead of him and that's only if he retires. Life doesn't end when my kids grow up, you don't go from being a parent to being an old person in a nursing home overnight, there's actually a huge space in between there, in our case that space will be longer than our children's childhoods. Getting DH to see this when he was despairing that he would never make anything of his life when he was 25 and supporting 3 children was a battle, but he finally sees it now, and is enjoying parenthood much more with the knowledge that when he turns 40 or 45 he will be free to take risks he can't afford now, have time to do the things he needs to put off now, and will still have decades of life ahead of him.

 

A large portion of the population are actually not that smart. Not just academically, but ignorant, ill informed and willing to follow whatever they're told. Average intelligence is the middle ground, 50% of people ARE below the line and most of them are not due to learning disability. It will be hard as an adult realising you're dealing with stupid people. You're not actually allowed to say that's the case or acknowledge it in any way, even writing this down is taboo. But it will be infuriating to see people parrot ideas they don't understand (whether they're on your side or not!) and choose to remain ignorant and ill informed when information is right in front of them, or not help themselves or miss seeing things you see naturally. Many people don't think about life all that seriously, they follow everyone else. Many people never consider possibilities outside the norm, like not sending your kids to school, or not working a full time job by choice. Many people don't examine their opinions and actions with serious scrutiny, but rather by popular opinion poll, and it's funny to watch their opinions change along with said opinion polls. Spend your time chuckling at the contradictions of people who have done a 180 on an opinion based on popular ideas, rather than being on edge and annoyed that people are choosing not to read information or think for themselves.

 

You'll never actually feel like a grown up. Even my 75 year old grandma, when I told her this revelation, informed me she still feels like a clueless teenager inside. Feeling grown up is a myth children perpetuate and parents never dissuade because it would undermine their authority. We're all pretending to know what we're doing. And when we do something big and grown up like buying a car or having a baby we ALL feel like we're kids playing house and someone will surely notice soon that we're faking it and not grown up enough to do this. 

 

Ideals are wonderful, principles are great, but life isn't fair and doesn't care about your principles. Seriously. Life. Is. Not. Fair. And if you've been leeching off your much-too-kind sister and her single income, multiple disability family for a year, with the only viable alternative being a cardboard box on the street, you do NOT get to quit the job you finally landed after 4 days just because the boss is sexist (but has not actually done anything or shown any sign of doing anything wrong, there's no danger, just the sense that this person obviously looks down upon the waitress he just hired on the basis of her age and gender, in part because of the culture of his country of origin. Oh and he patted her on the head to say good job yesterday.). Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and deal with it, because, yes, that boss is a jerk, and yes, patting you on the head was a little bit demeaning, and yes, in principle there should be no sexism in the workplace, but, nothing stops you from continuing to look for a new job while working here, and it beats living in a cardboard box or continuing to expect your sister to pick up the tab for your life. Sometimes you just have to put on your big girl pants, stand up for yourself, and deal with crap in order to get through life. Some people are fortunate enough to have the luxury of quitting their only job offer in 12 months because it wasn't perfect. You're not one of those people. Sucks to be you. But, frankly, my husband has put up with FAR worse in order to keep food on the table for YOUR privileged little ass this year. Nope, not bitter at all... they're moving out in February, just gotta get to February... 

[Carol in Cal.]

If someone tells you he is selfish, believe him.  Don't get all melty about him having low self-esteem and not really seeing the shining jewel that you do.  Nope, he is selfish.  

 

Don't just do something.  Think first.

 

Done is good.

 

Most people are really nice, and all are nicer if you approach them with that attitude.

[hornblower]

Patriarchy is real. 

[Guest]

Whenever a female friend tells you you would look so cute with short hair and should cut your long hair, she is lying. If she is beautiful and has long hair herself, she is just trying to keep her Queen Bee status. If she is average looking, she’s just trying to bring you down to her strata.

 

If you like your hair as it is, just stick with what you know.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Blood ties do not make a family. 

Edited November 19, 2017 by PinkyandtheBrains.

[livetoread]

People who show large amounts of confidence are often thought of as smarter or more deserving. Usuallly they aren’t, but they will get away with it anyway.

Edited November 19, 2017 by livetoread

[Hannah]

Take accountability and be responsible.  There is power and freedom in responsibility.  Apologize when required.  Take accountability for the situation that you are in, rather than blaming others or circumstance.

 

It's easy to be critical.  It's much harder and more enlightened to be appreciative.  Be appreciate of others, and be kind to yourself.  Don't compare yourself to others.  Celebrate your best efforts.  Be proud of yourself.

 

[Hannah]

Love is an act and a choice.

 

[BarbecueMom]

Thought of another on this morning:

 

Your dentist isn't lying about the electric toothbrush.

[hornblower]

Thought of another on this morning:

 

Your dentist isn't lying about the electric toothbrush.

 

sorry to divert - what about the electric toothbrush? What's the current consensus? Yay or not worth it? 

[creekland]

I thought of another one.

 

Almost everything is more expensive than you are expecting it to be.  Allow for that when you calculate expenses and prepare for it with your savings.

[creekland]

And if you want a bunch of them in a neat poster form, google "Murphy's Law Poster."

 

One of our Christmas gifts to our lads at college is this one - probably bought from a different source, but same poster:

 

http://www.imaginus.ca/Murphy_s_Law_Humor_Quotes_Funny_Jokes_Poster_p/kc248.htm

 

They and their peers love it.  So much on it is true!

[BarbecueMom]

sorry to divert - what about the electric toothbrush? What's the current consensus? Yay or not worth it?

I thought it was a gimmick for a long time. But it's really made a huge difference with my teeth (I have issues due to genetics + reflux). I assumed it was just being pushed as a useless money maker. Best ~$35 I've spent in a long time. Edited November 19, 2017 by BarbecueMom

[Murphy101]

No one gets what they deserve in this life and, frankly, nearly all of them should be a lot more grateful about it bc they don't deserve what they think they do.

 

Do good anyways. It's not about them. It's about choosing what kind of person we want to be.

 

Money does buy happiness. Or at least all the stuff that makes being happy a hell of a lot easier. Anyone who thinks different can give all their money away. There's a reason almost none of them do.

 

Most of getting by in life is pure dumb luck. Don't let ego convince otherwise.

 

When life sucks, take care of someone else. Make something. Fix something. Clean something. Do something to make the world better. Even if it's just cleaning the dishes. It's not about how grand the gesture is. It's about doing what you can.

 

The only things you get to keep forever, hopefully, are love and memories. Do your best to make sure where your time and money is spent reflects what you love and what you want your memories to be filled with. The house, the stuff, the jobs... those can be enjoyed, but they don't last and what will last is what's important.

[Carol in Cal.]

I thought of another one.

 

Almost everything is more expensive than you are expecting it to be.  Allow for that when you calculate expenses and prepare for it with your savings.

Yes, and more time consuming, too.

[AMJ]

A very good thread!

 

Don't wait to tell people you love them.  Planes crash.  Heart attacks happen.  Tell the people you care for how you feel about them regularly, including when you say good night or see you later.  Even if you are mad at them, tell them anyway.

 

It's nice to have something to remember someone by, but don't turn your home into a museum about other people.  You don't have to keep everything cherished by loved ones no longer around.  Be kind to your kids, too, and tell them they don't have to keep your stuff around after you are gone unless they truly want the stuff.  Persistent clutter weighs down the mind and soul, making it harder for us to remember the good stuff.  Keep only what is actually meaningful to you, and give others permission to do the same.

 

Listen to people who have been there and done that.  They know of what they speak.  This includes people much younger than you, who happen to have gotten around to something before you.  Older people aren't as out of touch as the young claim.  Younger people aren't as flighty and non-thinking as they seem to their elders.  Don't forget peoples' relative ages, but also don't discount them because of their ages.

 

 

Keep on asking questions like these.  Seek to be a wise old man or woman.  It's a lifelong process.

[Susan in TN]

That moms don't really have eyes in the back of their heads. They know what you are doing because they pulled the same crap when they were younger. :laugh:

You are my favorite person. And I didn't even know it until I was quite old! :D

[Susan in TN]

Remember that everyone's life has had some kind of mess in it, some more serious than others, and some that won't even realize it was a mess until they are much older. Have compassion and know that the messes are not the end of their story.

[Critterfixer]

Whenever you feel that something needs to be said, it's better to write it out, stick it in a drawer and forget about it for a week. Then, if you still need to say it, you will have revised your thoughts with the clarity that reflection provides. If you don't need to say anything, you haven't.

 

Freshly made chocolate chip cookies may not cure all ills, but they are worth a try.

 

Love is a clean toilet when you are puking. 

 

It doesn't hurt to put a fresh towel out for the next person to use the shower. (Ditto for trash bags and toilet paper.)

 

So one serious and three less serious ones. :D