Bedtime woes with an 8 year old

[tdbates78]

Y'all, I could really use some advice! I have just-turned-8 twin girls and one of them has gotten exceedingly clingy for me at bedtime over the past few months. I don't recall when it actually started, but it may have coincided with the passing of my grandmother in August. This was the first time that they understood that someone that was previously in their lives isn't anymore. I purchased a few books to better explain the death and heaven process and we talked a lot about it. She doesn't bring it up anymore so now I'm not so sure. 

 

So basically when it's bedtime all the sudden she is a sobbing mess. Full tears running down her face and she just moans and cries out for me. We've been using melatonin to try to get her to fall asleep quicker but even that doesn't do the trick. She cries that she loves me and misses me and "I want my mommy". I'm literally right downstairs. I thought it was just a phase but it's been going on for awhile now. Last night she awoke sobbing and screaming for me at 2:30 am; this happens about once a week. I had to go up there and give her a hug and kiss and then she promptly goes back to bed but due to the adrenaline I'm up for an hour before falling back asleep. And then her sister is woken up and she gets super grumpy if she doesn't get enough sleep. 

 

I see her all day since I home school so I don't get it? It's very sweet but also exhausting. After long days I'm ready to relax on the couch and watch some TV or use my tablet. She was never like this before. She wasn't a super clingy child and her twin sister was the one that had more sleep and separation issues in the past. I'm just very surprised by this. It's gotten to the point where I've had to turn down invitations from friends for girls' nights out or change the classes I take at the gym so that I'm home when she goes to bed or it's a nightmare for DH. 

 

She shares a room with her sister so she isn't alone. They have a nightlight in their room and in the hallway and bathroom, although I don't think her behavior has anything to do with being scared. Our master is on the first floor and their room is upstairs, which doesn't help the situation. One of us has to sit outside their bedroom door until she falls asleep or give in and let them sleep on the floor in our room. 

 

I'm at a loss. I assumed that we were well past sleep issues. We've been fortunate in that they have always been pretty good sleepers. Up until this point it had been years, with the rare exception of maybe sickness overnight, that I've been woken up from my sleep. Any thoughts, ideas, advice??

 

Thanks!

 

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by tdbates78

[poppy]

My daughter has been like this, off and on, for years.  Every dark thought and fear comes at night "likes wolves who want to attack me'.   It's almost a ... habit? That's the wrong word, but, it's definitely a pattern for her to be unable to keep the 'wolves' away, and she has a strong physical and emotional response.  It is part of her anxiety disorder.

 

Her anxiety is pretty severe, not just at night, and we do medicate her for it.  We give her melatonin, we let the dog sleep in her room.  The biggest change was letting her listen to  audiobooks at night with sleep headphones .  She listens to stories she already knows well and is able to fall asleep listening (new stories are too exciting, of course).   Good luck.

[HomeAgain]

I wonder if it's an 8yo thing.  My almost-8yo started doing this about a month ago.  It's slowly getting better, but we had to be firm about what comforts he has at bedtime and what we're not willing to do.

[PeterPan]

When my MIL passed, we had to take my ds to the cemetery and let him grieve. Maybe she has more emotions to process? I'd definitely do that, like bring out pictures, go to the cemetery, talk about how you miss her, etc.

 

Have you tried going to bed with her and then leaving once she's down? I'm pretty liberal on where people fall asleep, so I don't care if it's in a sleeping bag in my room or in the chair being rocked and then I carry you in or what. I always felt like a need that's met is a need that goes away.

 

It may be she needs a few months to work through this. If she's your more socially typical one, it might be she's processing it on a really high level and just needs that support to deal with the intensity. I'd just meet the need and not assume it will be forever. Also, you could try Calm Child or warm baths with lavender bubble bath. Walmart sells a lavender bubble bath that I use with my ds. With that and backrubs it can be good. 

 

Does she have a preferred item of your grandmother's that she could have in her room? Or if she's worried about losing you, how about an item of yours? Like your sleep shirt or your bear or your whatever... My ds got a big huge Vermont teddy bear type thing someone had given my MIL and that comforted him.

 

I'm also not above using, ahem, all the stretch possible in your religious faith. Like when my ds got anxiety about drowning because he had gone under at the pool at swim lessons, I did the normal things (talking about pool depths, etc.) but I also told him the angels were there watching him and helping the teachers keep him safe. Invoke the angels and go all the way... Grandma is now in heaven like the angels and she sees us... I'll always see you because someday I'll be in heaven... Anything in that vein. Seemed to help my ds a bit.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I would consider making up a pallet in your room, not particularly comfortable, but certainly warm and adequate.  Tell her (and sis) that it's ok to come in quietly and sleep there under the following conditions:

 

- Child has gone to bed peacefully

- mom and dad are asleep (not downstairs, watching tv, reading, etc.)

- she doesn't wake you up when she comes in

 

Let her know she is welcome and the pallet is there for her, but that sleep disturbances are making everyone tired and cranky so she needs to get from point A to B without waking the house.  

 

And then, really stick to it.  No criticisms or suggestions for change when you find her in the pallet for AT LEAST A YEAR.  And if she breaks the rules, lead her gently back to her bed and tell her she can calm down, then count quietly to 100 and get up and try to enter your room quietly.  I would really encourage her to use the pallet as often as she needs to, even every night.  

 

The first goal is a calm bedtime/calm waking.  The second goal will be to get her to go back to sleep in her own bed alone, but I would really separate those two goals in time.  

 

We have always had this policy, and kids come and go as they enter and exit vulnerable times in their development.  We all get the most sleep when we don't fight these phases and instead find a way to get everyone sleeping as much as possible.  

 

[meganrussell]

I would definitely lay down with her until she fell asleep. My five year old still needs me to do this, and my seven year old doesn't NEED me to, but loves when I do. I look at it like this - they're only little once. If they need their mommy at night, then Mommy needs to be there. The more you comfort her now the quicker this will go away. I wouldn't expect an 8 year old to fall asleep without me if she was experiencing anxiety.

[tdbates78]

Thank you all so much. 

 

My grandmother lived halfway across the country from us so going to the cemetery isn't really an option. She wasn't particularly close to my grandmother due to the distance. We only saw her once or twice a year. I imagine it's more the mortality issue than her losing her actual great grandmother, even though she was very sad about it. 

 

I'm going to try your suggestions. I'm going to sleep with her until she falls asleep but let her know that after she falls asleep I'm going back to my own room. I will also set up a pallett for her/them and tell them they can come down quietly if she gets upset overnight. I would much rather her do this than scream for me overnight!!

Edited November 16, 2017 by tdbates78

[mytwomonkeys]

FWIW, melatonin has very adverse affects on me (and I’m 46), so I would not continue with that, especially since it isn’t working. Also, I would focus on a strong night time routine if you don’t already have one. I’d lay in their room, do bedtime stories (books or making them up together), talk about the day day tomorrow and the fun things planned. Have her pick something out that belongs to you & see if she wants to sleep with it. My daughter did this when she was younger. She liked having the faint smell of my perfume and my scent close to her for snuggling. My son liked to sleep with a family picture inside his pillow case when he was little. It made him feel like we were in bed with him. Lastly, talk to her pediatrician to get a perspective you may not have considered.

[Rachel]

Sometimes these things become a habit and that’s what seemed to happen with my son. I gave him a notebook and told him to write down anything he may want to discuss in the morning. It helped refocus his mind so he didn’t have to lay in bed and wallow in whatever was bothering him. It also helped him not have to have me for consolation ever single night. It’s rare he actually wants to discuss anything once morning comes.

[Guinevere]

Might be way off, but when mine are waking often, especially distraugt, sometimes it's low blood sugar. I wonder if a protein snack before bed would help?

 

There's obviously more going on, but maybe that will help part of it.

[displace]

You might try meditation too, or guided imagery. There are some for kids (but she's probably at and age an adult one would do). I don't have time to link, but the idea is maybe you could be with her, doing guided imagery (basically saying out loud a scene she can imagine in her mind, like laying at the beach or walking through the forest), and helping her learn to calm her mind and relax her body. Eventually, the goal is for her to be able to think of the scene herself and it be relaxing enough to help her fall asleep on her own. But it will take a few weeks.

 

Plus positive rewards: give her coupons and she can use one per night to get you to come in, but every time she keeps three or five, she trades them in for a treat/outing.

 

It should pass with time. (Hugs).

Edited November 16, 2017 by displace

[MercyA]

I would consider making up a pallet in your room, not particularly comfortable, but certainly warm and adequate.  Tell her (and sis) that it's ok to come in quietly and sleep there under the following conditions:

 

Yes. I knew I was always allowed to drag the sofa cushions into my parents' room and sleep beside their bed if I needed to. My dad never even woke up, judging by his snoring.  :)

 

I didn't do this very often, but it was nice knowing I could.

[tdbates78]

Thank you all so much. I'm going to be taking a lot of the advice.

 

The melatonin works when she lets it work. But when she gets distraught it sees to make her even more emotional. I take 5 mg every night and have for about three years as I have a difficult time shutting my mind off to fall asleep. I will probably discontinue it if I'm going to be in her room until she falls asleep. 

 

I love the idea of audio books with headphones, a small protein-packed snack, meditation and trying a rewards system. Going to discuss it all with DH tonight and figure out how to tackle this. I'm exhausted right now from being up overnight but of course my girls are in great moods and don't understand what the problem is ;)

Edited November 16, 2017 by tdbates78

[happi duck]

I had a couple night time panic attacks and after that my body associated laying in that bed with panic.

 

A therapist suggested that throughout the day I go lay down on the bed and as soon as I felt bad at all to get up. The goal was to have time of being in bed without panicking. Eventually it got to the point where my body associated that spot with rest and not panic.

 

With a kid I might say something like "oh-no feelings" instead of panic.

[Tanaqui]

Just checking: Her behavior hasn't changed and isn't worrisome during the day? No anxiety or depression, no odd behaviors or... anything? I assume that's the case, but sometimes serious problems in one area can mask related, but more minor problems in other areas.

[tdbates78]

Just checking: Her behavior hasn't changed and isn't worrisome during the day? No anxiety or depression, no odd behaviors or... anything? I assume that's the case, but sometimes serious problems in one area can mask related, but more minor problems in other areas.

 

No, no change at all. She is a bit more clingy and loving during the day, although she still goes to her activities away from me without a fight.  She is a happy, playful little girl. We do have their well-check visits scheduled for next month. If this is still happening I will probably bring it up with the pediatrician just to get her opinion. 

[Tap]

DD19 had a pallet on the floor of our room from when she was a toddler until she was about 9 or so.  She was prone to nightmares and migraines. She used it when she needed it. when she was really little it was more of a pad, but as she got older I made it less thick. It was just an old king sized blanket folded in quarters and a small blanket on top.  Nothing super thick or cozy, but since it was a familiar blanket, it was comforting to her. 

 

She would usually just come in, touch my back to wake me up, get a hug (ask for migraine meds if she needed it) and lay down.  Wayyyy better than having a kid in bed with me (she is a mover when she sleeps) and much better than me having to get up and go to her. 

 

 

One piece of advice is to block off the underside of your bed so they can't roll under there.  We took old comforters and rolled them up and packed the underneath of the bed on that side, so she couldn't get under there accidentally and freak out if she woke up.