What are the downsides of flunking out of college vs. not going at all?

[Daria]

Thanks everyone!

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[TechWife]

Eh, if he flunks out he can just not report the transcript or omit documentation of it. It can be a potential issue if he decides to try again some day and wants to transfer any credits as opposed to just do a new enrollment and start from scratch.

 

Money is a bigger issue. Self esteem too - feeling like you’re too dumb to succeed even if the truth is that it’s all the other things going on and no intelligence at all.

 

This is not an ethical option.  College applications ask that you list all previous colleges attended. You also have to have all transcripts sent to the admissions office. If you fail to do this, then your application could be disqualified, or, if you are admitted, the admission could later be rescinded and any earned credits invalidated. Leaving off this information is not recommended by any reputable college admissions counselor or high school counselors. 

[nixpix5]

If he wants to go and is insisting...meaning this is his wish and not what he thinks people want for him, then I would let him give it a try. Some kids will surprise you when they want to show their independence.

 

If you can see he doesn't really want this right now, then I might try to have a conversation about taking a gap year or two. Working, building confidence and responsibility, getting perspective, and giving the executive functioning more time to form as needed for AD/HD and boys in general sometimes. Plus it saves the money for when he might be more prepared.

 

If he fails a quarter or two of college it isn't going to be the end of the world. I know so many people in science who literally floundered and then found their footing. Two of them ended up transferring to Harvard even with their less than stellar freshman year grades. Not that that is your aim, I just want you to remember that people pave their own way. Colleges look at growth and change. Many colleges respect people who may have struggled and then once they knew what they wanted to do got it together. I would follow his lead and let him make the decision with gentle pros and cons discussions.

Edited November 14, 2017 by nixpix5

[Suzanne in ABQ]

What does he want to do with his life?  That's the first question.  If he doesn't wish to pursue a career that requires a college degree, then he might be wasting his time and his relative's money.  There are many options that don't require a traditional college degree.  Does he like music?  Media arts?  Working with his hands?  

 

My son absolutely hates academics, but he is doing exceedingly well studying Recording Arts at Full Sail University, in Florida.  My nephew didn't do well in high school, but got an associates degree in welding from the community college, and is doing well for himself.  My plumber became an apprentice when he was 17, and now runs his own business at age 30, and is doing VERY well.  

 

Going to college just for the experience and to make friends, without a goal in mind, seems like a recipe for all sorts of bad things to happen.  

 

Full Sail is a unique place that places the minimum focus on academic subjects, and digs deep into technical/creative understanding.  They offer numerous degree programs in Film/TV, Music, Audio production, Show production, Game development, Computer programming, Graphic arts, and Sportscasting.  The courses are one month long, and are taken one or two at a time, back to back, all year long.  The bachelors degree for Recording Arts takes only 20 months!  It's intense, but for the kid who can't sit still in a classroom, but can focus for hours on a creative project, it's ideal.  I'd be happy to share more about it, if you're interested.

[hornblower]

For employers, it doesn't really matter and I think you could leave off failed semesters or incomplete education. 

But if you apply to attend school in the future, you must declare ALL post sec attended. You can't just leave schools off applications because you did badly. 

 

That said, returning to school after failed semesters is not uncommon at all. I think I've mentioned before that I know someone who was on academic probation, then got booted right out because he didn't turn things around. Few  years later he went back and ended up with a PhD and now works for the UN.  So failing and coming back is not an obstacle per se. 

The self esteem hit can be big though. 

Fwiw, I'd probably either hold the kid back another year at home and do an academic boot camp gap year, or do a travel / volunteer / work gap year.  I think some kids really benefit from having a year to mature academically and in terms of  organization and motivation. 

[lmrich]

Please look into gap programs for your child instead of sending him off to college. I have seen kids with anxiety and depression tend to try to self-medicate and can end up with a drug or alcohol problem.  A well-supervised gap program may provide him the indepence and the peer group he craves while giving him another year or semester to mature. 

 

[stephanier.1765]

What does he want to do with his life?  That's the first question.  If he doesn't wish to pursue a career that requires a college degree, then he might be wasting his time and his relative's money.  There are many options that don't require a traditional college degree.  Does he like music?  Media arts?  Working with his hands?  

 

My son absolutely hates academics, but he is doing exceedingly well studying Recording Arts at Full Sail University, in Florida.  My nephew didn't do well in high school, but got an associates degree in welding from the community college, and is doing well for himself.  My plumber became an apprentice when he was 17, and now runs his own business at age 30, and is doing VERY well.  

 

Going to college just for the experience and to make friends, without a goal in mind, seems like a recipe for all sorts of bad things to happen.  

 

Full Sail is a unique place that places the minimum focus on academic subjects, and digs deep into technical/creative understanding.  They offer numerous degree programs in Film/TV, Music, Audio production, Show production, Game development, Computer programming, Graphic arts, and Sportscasting.  The courses are one month long, and are taken one or two at a time, back to back, all year long.  The bachelors degree for Recording Arts takes only 20 months!  It's intense, but for the kid who can't sit still in a classroom, but can focus for hours on a creative project, it's ideal.  I'd be happy to share more about it, if you're interested.

 

My middle son just started at Full Sail. Do you know how well their graduates fare? Until he started there, I had never heard of it.

[EKS]

Any other suggestions for programs that would get him out of the house, and into a group setting?

 

Take a look at Dynamy.

[AmandaVT]

What about a year at a place like Landmark College? "Landmark College is exclusively for students who learn differently, including students with a learning disability (such as dyslexia), ADHD, or autism spectrum disorder (ASD). We champion a strengths-based model and give students the skills and strategies they need to achieve their goals."

[Hilltopmom]

Take a look at Dynamy.

This looks awesome! For my almost 15 yr old when she’s ready. Pricey, but awesome

[EKS]

This looks awesome! For my almost 15 yr old when she’s ready. Pricey, but awesome

 

I think there are scholarships available.

[Catwoman]

I hate to say this, but given what you have posted, I don't think your son is ready to go away to college. Can you send him to a local college for a year or two and stipulate that if he does well there, you will consider letting him go away to school at that point?

 

If he has a history of anxiety and depression, and has both LDs and ADHD, and he hasn't done well in his studies even while living at home with you there to help him, going away to college might initially feel like one big party to him, but could end in disaster if he neglects his schoolwork in favor of his social life and ends up failing his classes.

[Daria]

This is not an ethical option.  College applications ask that you list all previous colleges attended. You also have to have all transcripts sent to the admissions office. If you fail to do this, then your application could be disqualified, or, if you are admitted, the admission could later be rescinded and any earned credits invalidated. Leaving off this information is not recommended by any reputable college admissions counselor or high school counselors. 

 

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[madteaparty]

Eh, if he flunks out he can just not report the transcript or omit documentation of it. It can be a potential issue if he decides to try again some day and wants to transfer any credits as opposed to just do a new enrollment and start from scratch..

Nope. Those Fs will follow him. College grades are forever.

Op, please limit the Fs if you can, turn them into pass (vs a grade) or even withdrawal if you can. I have experience with a family member that stopped going to school outright, (thereby failing everything), awaking a few years later and even the least selective public needed much explaining to let him in.

[Bluegoat]

I think there really should be a sense of what he wants to do there, academically speaking, which you haven't mentioned.  

 

Aside from the things other mentioned, one disadvantage of going is that he might not spend much time thinking about what else he might really like to be doing.  

[Daria]

If he wants to go and is insisting...meaning this is his wish and not what he thinks people want for him, then I would let him give it a try. Some kids will surprise you when they want to show their independence.

 

If you can see he doesn't really want this right now, then I might try to have a conversation about taking a gap year or two. Working, building confidence and responsibility, getting perspective, and giving the executive functioning more time to form as needed for AD/HD and boys in general sometimes. Plus it saves the money for when he might be more prepared.

 

If he fails a quarter or two of college it isn't going to be the end of the world. I know so many people in science who literally floundered and then found their footing. Two of them ended up transferring to Harvard even with their less than stellar freshman year grades. Not that that is your aim, I just want you to remember that people pave their own way. Colleges look at growth and change. Many colleges respect people who may have struggled and then once they knew what they wanted to do got it together. I would follow his lead and let him make the decision with gentle pros and cons discussions.

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[Amber in SJ]

$$, for realsies :)  My dd with the health issues went away to school because she wanted to go and spent our $$ & took out some financial aid only to crash & burn due to her health issues not allowing her to attend class.  Her 5 semesters away went like this academically:  Good, Bad, Not so good, but not bad, Good, Complete & utter fail.  So she is back at home with approx $6K in student loans and a not-so-great GPA.

 

She has a new plan and we are supporting her in moving forward.

 

Some would say going away to college was a waste of time & money for her, and  I see that side of the argument.  However, there were lessons learned that couldn't have been learned any other way.  I can't imagine saying to her when she left 2 years ago, "I know you.  You are not ready.  Let's wait."  Nope, she wanted to go so we supported her in going.  Some poor choices and some even worse circumstances  happened and here we are.  But I think it would be worse if she felt like we don't believe in her.  

 

If he wants to go & the money is available, I vote for letting him go.  Possibly encourage him to go slowly and help him choose classes so that all the difficult classes don't happen at once.  Be available for as much support as possible and be ready to catch if it doesn't go as expected & he needs to pause college.

 

The real question is, is this what he wants or does he think this is just what happens next?

 

Amber in SJ

[Daria]

What does he want to do with his life?  That's the first question.  If he doesn't wish to pursue a career that requires a college degree, then he might be wasting his time and his relative's money.  There are many options that don't require a traditional college degree.  Does he like music?  Media arts?  Working with his hands?  

 

My son absolutely hates academics, but he is doing exceedingly well studying Recording Arts at Full Sail University, in Florida.  My nephew didn't do well in high school, but got an associates degree in welding from the community college, and is doing well for himself.  My plumber became an apprentice when he was 17, and now runs his own business at age 30, and is doing VERY well.  

 

Going to college just for the experience and to make friends, without a goal in mind, seems like a recipe for all sorts of bad things to happen.  

 

Full Sail is a unique place that places the minimum focus on academic subjects, and digs deep into technical/creative understanding.  They offer numerous degree programs in Film/TV, Music, Audio production, Show production, Game development, Computer programming, Graphic arts, and Sportscasting.  The courses are one month long, and are taken one or two at a time, back to back, all year long.  The bachelors degree for Recording Arts takes only 20 months!  It's intense, but for the kid who can't sit still in a classroom, but can focus for hours on a creative project, it's ideal.  I'd be happy to share more about it, if you're interested.

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[ktgrok]

My middle son just started at Full Sail. Do you know how well their graduates fare? Until he started there, I had never heard of it.

 

They do very well. My husband is an adjunct professor there...he works in Cyber Security by day and at night, every other month, teaches a course there. He's been VERY impressed with how well the graduates do...they have a week where alumni return and the number who are working actively in film/music/etc is amazing. 

 

It's expensive as all get out, but well looked at in the art/film/music world. 

[Daria]

For employers, it doesn't really matter and I think you could leave off failed semesters or incomplete education. 

 

But if you apply to attend school in the future, you must declare ALL post sec attended. You can't just leave schools off applications because you did badly. 

 

That said, returning to school after failed semesters is not uncommon at all. I think I've mentioned before that I know someone who was on academic probation, then got booted right out because he didn't turn things around. Few  years later he went back and ended up with a PhD and now works for the UN.  So failing and coming back is not an obstacle per se. 

 

The self esteem hit can be big though. 

 

Fwiw, I'd probably either hold the kid back another year at home and do an academic boot camp gap year, or do a travel / volunteer / work gap year.  I think some kids really benefit from having a year to mature academically and in terms of  organization and motivation. 

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[Daria]

Please look into gap programs for your child instead of sending him off to college. I have seen kids with anxiety and depression tend to try to self-medicate and can end up with a drug or alcohol problem.  A well-supervised gap program may provide him the indepence and the peer group he craves while giving him another year or semester to mature. 

 

Do you know of any 

 

A program like Dynamy is going to be financially out of reach for us.  As I said, there's money for college, but there's not an option to spend it on something else.  I'm a single mom, currently working 60+ hours a week to cover his medical expenses.  I couldn't come up with Dynamy tuition on top of it, and I haven't seen other gap year programs that cost less.

 

This also isn't a maturity thing.  ADHD works that way, but as far as I can tell, mental illness doesn't.  A year away from academics is likely to increase his anxiety about them.  That's not something he'll grow out of.

[Katy]

I second some sort of gap year program, I would worry about addictions & self-medication too if he went to college.

 

Is he outdoorsy?  Outward Bound or NOLS might be good options. The first is more therapy, inward, self-examination focused.  The later is more technical outdoors skills focused.

 

Even if he's not outdoorsy, they might be good options. Exercise, sunshine, small tasks to accomplish are all good ways to fight depression.

[Daria]

Take a look at Dynamy.

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[Daria]

What about a year at a place like Landmark College? "Landmark College is exclusively for students who learn differently, including students with a learning disability (such as dyslexia), ADHD, or autism spectrum disorder (ASD). We champion a strengths-based model and give students the skills and strategies they need to achieve their goals."

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[Lori D.]

All college courses/grades are part of the student's permanent college transcript and can NOT be omitted, as previous poster suggested -- failure to submit ALL high school and college transcripts can lead to loss of financial aid (and a likelihood of having to re-pay monies received), expulsion, and even being stripped of a degree earned, if discovered later on. NOT WORTH THE RISK!

 

While a low GPA now will mean it may be tough to be admitted to a university, and will likely mean no merit aid, it does not necessarily mean the student will never be able to go to college. But as previous posters said, it sounds like your DS would do MUCH better with more time for maturing and developing the life skills and academic skills he will need for success in attending a university.

 

He wants to go away -- that is awesome! A lot of growing up and maturing happens when you are on your own. I agree with previous posters that with your DS's extra issues, that a gap year of volunteering,  or working on an AmeriCorps project, or some other structured living away from home situation would be a super idea for him. Let him get some real-life under his belt first, and THEN come back to the idea of college.

 

Gap Year Programs - USA, gap year fairs

US Gap Year Programs - AGA certified

Gap Year in the US

AmeriCorps Vista -- focus areas/project areas in the US

 

Just to encourage you: waiting and doing a gap year or working can be the very BEST choice for students who are on a delayed development timetable or have extenuating issues that make full time college right out of high school unrealistic.

 

 

ETA -- Medical/Nursing related programs and options:

59 Great Medical Programs for High School Students

HOSA -- internships in medical areas for high school students or high school grads

Gap Medics -- gap year programs for high school students or high school grads considering medical careers

Edited November 15, 2017 by Lori D.

[Catwoman]

A year away from academics is likely to increase his anxiety about them. That's not something he'll grow out of.

But does it have to be all or nothing? Couldn't he attend a local college for a year or two until he demonstrates his readiness to go away to school instead of going away to college?

 

I realize that's not his preference, but it sounds like he would be the best option for him in the long run.

 

 

(Edited because I remembered you asked us not to quote. Sorry about that! I left a tiny snippet so you'd know what I was responding to, but I'll remove it if you'd prefer that no quotes at all remain here. :) )

Edited November 14, 2017 by Catwoman

[Anne]

I wonder what it would take for him to get his CNA that would allow him to work in the health care field before committing to a nursing program??

 

Maybe visiting a couple of apprentice programs would allow him to see that these are "real" programs - not makework things that indicate you don't believe in him.  You could visit them in the context of also visiting a college or two.  

 

He should do some job shadowing - I had both my kids do that to help them think about their options.   Maybe you can find some trades that you think he might excel in to shadow *in addition* to whatever else.

 

Anne

[Kim in Appalachia]

His dream would be to be a nurse.  I don't see how he could possibly make it through the science prerequisites, but that's what he talks about.  In many ways he'd be a fantastic nurse.  He's gentle, and polite, and caring, and patient.  All the elderly people who know him love him, and he wouldn't blink an eye at the caregiving parts of nursing (e.g. changing adult diapers wouldn't phase him).  

 

He loves theater tech, and I thought he was interested in studying that, but he says, and he's right, that the constant need to sell yourself for the next project, and the constant uncertainty about where you'll be working next would be really hard on his anxiety.  He really wants a job from the 50's where you go to work at the same place for 40 years, and then retire. 

 

 

If he ever wants to be a nurse, do not let him go and fail classes.  You need a high GPA for nursing programs, and they will look at how many times to retake a class. 

 

I can get why you are thinking of letting him try this, and in a perfect and kind world it would all work out. Even if he failed, it would be ok and he would learn something.  But college is not like that.  Sending someone to college who has depression and anxiety knowing he will most likely fail classes is a bad idea.  

 

I didn't look at those gap programs or other things linked above, but please try anything else.

 

If he is determined to feel more independent and wants to head towards nursing, you could try a CNA program.  But from what you are writing here I don't know if he could handle the pressure. 

 

I have kiddos with issues too.  I know it's hard.  I hope you find something that works and he's agreeable to.  

[KungFuPanda]

I would not pay for a University “experience†for a kid flunking out of CC. Maybe after an associates. How about a different group living experience like peace Corp or Ameri/Job Corp, or the military, or a remote manual labor situation with group living?

[Daria]

I second some sort of gap year program, I would worry about addictions & self-medication too if he went to college.

 

Is he outdoorsy?  Outward Bound or NOLS might be good options. The first is more therapy, inward, self-examination focused.  The later is more technical outdoors skills focused.

 

Even if he's not outdoorsy, they might be good options. Exercise, sunshine, small tasks to accomplish are all good ways to fight depression.

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[SparklyUnicorn]

Man I don't know.  That's a tough one.  I would hesitate to waste the money.  I guess the biggest question is what is the actual problem?  Is he not quite mature enough yet and won't put in the effort/work?  Or is it that he just needs a lot of support and could do it because he has the enthusiasm to try.  If the second situation, I'd do all I could to make sure he has support.  Including possibly staying on top of him.  It's not ideal, but ya know...I'd want my kid to succeed and would be fine with doing that IF (big big IF) he truly will put in the effort.  If not...nope.  I'd insist he take a little more time to mature and get to that point. 

 

There are things like fresh start policies at some schools so it's rarely a situation where you close a door forever.  But, again, who wants to flush that kind of money down the drain? 

 

 

[Daria]

I would not pay for a University “experience†for a kid flunking out of CC. Maybe after an associates. How about a different group living experience like peace Corp or Ameri/Job Corp, or the military, or a remote manual labor situation with group living?

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[SparklyUnicorn]

Nursing is no joke.  That's a tough program.  There are other less grueling somewhat related fields.  Like medical assisting. 

 

 

[Bluegoat]

If he likes the idea of nursing, he might actually be just as interested in some kind of nursing assistant program, or something else along those lines.

 

A lot of nursing now is management as much as it is real hands on work.

 

ETA - but there are all kinds of health related things that could be a good fi - especially if he is athletic like you mention.

Edited November 14, 2017 by Bluegoat

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't know.  Nursing assistant might be a place to start, but it's nothing like nursing.  Really it's like the difference between being an equestrian and being the guy who shovels the shi* in the barn.  Which is a valuable and needed task, but it would not leave one feeling all that satisfied if their real goal is something so much different.

 

 

[Daria]

Man I don't know.  That's a tough one.  I would hesitate to waste the money.  I guess the biggest question is what is the actual problem?  Is he not quite mature enough yet and won't put in the effort/work?  Or is it that he just needs a lot of support and could do it because he has the enthusiasm to try.  If the second situation, I'd do all I could to make sure he has support.  Including possibly staying on top of him.  It's not ideal, but ya know...I'd want my kid to succeed and would be fine with doing that IF (big big IF) he truly will put in the effort.  If not...nope.  I'd insist he take a little more time to mature and get to that point. 

 

There are things like fresh start policies at some schools so it's rarely a situation where you close a door forever.  But, again, who wants to flush that kind of money down the drain? 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[Daria]

If he likes the idea of nursing, he might actually be just as interested in some kind of nursing assistant program, or something else along those lines.

 

A lot of nursing now is management as much as it is real hands on work.

 

ETA - but there are all kinds of health related things that could be a good fi - especially if he is athletic like you mention.

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[kiana]

Save the $$$ for later when he's better able to take advantage of it. Those transcripts will follow him even when he IS ready to go to college, and he's going to need to submit them. It's not just unethical, but students have had their admission rescinded and been required to repay financial aid on the grounds that it was fraudulently obtained when they neglected to submit a transcript, even one that showed all W. And if he is actually considering nursing, it would really tank his admission chances. 

 

Given what you've said about what a lovely young man he is and how caring, I wonder if he would be able to handle a CNA job in a nursing home, for now? That's a lot of physical contact, and if he decides he wants to go back to school, it certainly won't look bad on his nursing school application.

 

My personal experience -- I flunked out of college (immaturity/undiagnosed adhd), worked as a CNA for a few years, decided that there was no future here and I did not want to be looking at other people's butts for the rest of my life, and went back. It was amazing how some time, maturity, and motivation (having seen what life was like outside of school) did for my work habits. But I really wish I hadn't started in the first place -- it hindered me getting into some programs I really wanted to do, and my GPA was terrible even before I got started. 

 

I think that living on his own for a bit (but with support available nearby), a decent job, and finding some activities he's interested in -- if he were in a city with lots of clubs where young people go -- would be really good for him. For example, one of my friends has recently joined an astronomy club and a science fiction writer's club because he's science-minded, terrible at math (so science isn't a viable career choice), and wants to be involved/meet other people who are science-minded. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

This has nothing to do with maturity, and everything to do with mental illness.  

 

Is he enthusiastic about the idea of school?  Yes.  Every time I say to him "Here's a school, would you like to look at it", he says "Yes!" and if I ask him where he'd like to go he says "Anywhere that would take me.  I just want to go to college."  Would that enthusiasm translate to effort that's productive as opposed to an anxiety spiral?  Some of that will depend on the amount and type of support.  Some of that will depend on whether being surrounded by people who were also "doing school" turned out to be a better dynamic than being home alone.  We can try and control the first factor, by choosing the schools with the very most support, but the second factor is a wildcard.  I can't predict.  If I had to say, I'd say that the odds are 50/50 that he'd go, it would be an improvement, and he'd make it through, and 50/50 that even with all the supports, he wouldn't be able to meet deadlines and turn things in.  

 

He doesn't have the self direction and executive functioning skills to make it through our local community college, or any local school.  So the choices are between taking a break from formal education (whether that's in a gap year program, or staying home and working) and one of these little, highly supportive, schools.  

 

Ah mental illness.  That's a tough one.  My father couldn't get through school because of it and he is a very very smart guy.  If he could go to a special school with a ton of support, I bet he could, but I don't know what is out there for that.  It's a real shame because I do think he always had something to offer.  Just the pressures always made him sick. 

[kiana]

I think he'd be a fantastic nursing assistant, but we live in one of the highest cost of living areas of the country, and there's no way to make a living on a CNA salary.  

 

He currently has 2 jobs, about 10 hours each, at 2 different gyms, and I keep hoping that will translate into an interest in a career related to exercise, but so far, I haven't been able to sell him on that idea.  

 

Do you have any relatives/old pals in a lower COL area where he could move into a small apartment/share with someone near his own age and have nearby support/people to keep an eye on him/call you if things are spiraling? Or is there anywhere with a lower COL within a couple of hour's drive, where if he really needs rescue you can swoop in? 

[Daria]

But does it have to be all or nothing? Couldn't he attend a local college for a year or two until he demonstrates his readiness to go away to school instead of going away to college?

 

I realize that's not his preference, but it sounds like he would be the best option for him in the long run.

 

 

(Edited because I remembered you asked us not to quote. Sorry about that! I left a tiny snippet so you'd know what I was responding to, but I'll remove it if you'd prefer that no quotes at all remain here. :) )

 

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[SparklyUnicorn]

None of the local colleges have the kind of support that the schools we're looking at have.  He clearly doesn't have the skills to be successful at our local CC.  It's not the academic skills that he's missing.  His academics aren't amazing, but they're solid enough.  It's the problem solving and self advocacy.  For example, he currently has an issue that he needs to meet with his disability counselor about at the CC, but the process for making an appointment with the disability counselor is so complicated that it took him a week to figure it out, and she books appointments a week in advance.  So, there will be 2 weeks between me figuring out there was a problem and asking him to make the appointment, and him getting help.  Meanwhile, because his anxiety about the unsolved problem is so high, he's having trouble making it to a class where attendance is a big part of the grade.  So, even if he solves the initial problem, now he's got a new problem.  

 

At the programs we'd be looking at, students meet every single day with a disability counselor/coach.  That's a huge difference. 

 

I think he's much more likely to be successful in college if he goes away, then if he stays home.  So the question is really go away, or don't go to college at all.

 

This drives me batty, but it is SO TRUE!  My kid has been taking courses at the CC and I take courses there.  There has not been even one semester where there wasn't some crazy issue involving me talking to various people and making appointments to get it solved.  And we are only taking a course here or there.  Neither of us are matriculated. I'm particularly good at navigating this BS, but it astounds me how complicated they make everything.  I don't get it. 

 

Maybe I should hire out my services.  :laugh:

[unsinkable]

Can the person who is paying for college also pay for a disability counselor locally to you? So that your son can stay local, and still get needed support but not from you?

 

He might not to need to meet every day in person. Maybe once or twice a week in person and a couple times by phone and email?

[Bootsie]

What are the stipulations that the relative is putting on the money for college?  Does the relative insist that it be used within a certain period of time?  Does the relative require certain grades to continue to support a college education?  What all is the relative willing to support relative to college--tuition, books, room & board, tutors, travel???

 

Another question I would be seriously considering is whether the student is ready academically for college-level work.  Yes, a certain level of maturity is a requirement.  But, academic preparation is also required.  I would be less concerned about his dual enrollment grades (and attribute them to maturity) if he had demonstrated that he is competent at high school work.  

[EKS]

I looked at Dynamy.  A good friend of his is thinking about going there.

 

The skills they target seem to be mostly employment, and that's his strength.  He's not a perfect employee, but he's a way better employee than a student.

 

I don't know how we'd afford it anyway, but I might look into it more. 

 

Actually, employment is only one of the things they work on.  

 

It's all about how to be a responsible adult.  So budgeting, living with a roommate, living with others in an apartment, time management, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and making mistakes and living with the consequences are all emphasized in addition to the employment stuff. 

 

The time my son spent there was well worth it (both in terms of money and the time off of the treadmill).  The skills he learned there and the maturity he developed have been helpful to him in all aspects of his life, including his academic life.

[Daria]

Can the person who is paying for college also pay for a disability counselor locally to you? So that your son can stay local, and still get needed support but not from you?

 

He might not to need to meet every day in person. Maybe once or twice a week in person and a couple times by phone and email?

Edited November 16, 2017 by Daria

[ktgrok]

If I hold him back, that's six years of high school.  Plus, I have to work full time to put bread on the table, and his anxiety about academics doesn't lead to success to independent work, and the isolation isn't helping the mental illness.  I don't know what he needs, but I do know that more academics from me isn't it. 

 

I think we have the same kid. Hugs. 

[GoodGrief]

 

 

My daughter's now-husband was in a similar situation coming out of high school. He did go to college for a year, out-of-state, which did not go well. The following year he went to training to earn his CDL. That allowed him to get a solid job and earn enough money to become independent while figuring out what he really wants to do. In fact, he has the job with benefits and is supporting my daughter who has a college degree while she does an Americorps position :-). He is now, at age 25, going back to school part time, and earning high "A"s so far!

 

There are risks to any path, honestly, when there's untreated mental illness/anxiety/depression in play. But poor grades in college will certainly follow him, and make the path to employment difficult. I would look at entering a trade, at least for the time being. We need smart kids in the trades. I suppose you could look at CNA, but you are correct, the pay is low. I worked as a CNA while I was in college.There are advantages to nursing (speaking as someone who worked as an RN for 9 years) but there are solid negatives as well, especially considering the pay rate as compared to some of the trades.

 

Edited to delete quote, sorry about that.

Edited November 14, 2017 by GoodGrief

[Lori D.]

...There are risks to any path, honestly, when there's untreated mental illness/anxiety/depression in play. But poor grades in college will certainly follow him, and make the path to employment difficult...

 

This is what I was thinking, too.

 

  :grouphug:  Daria   :grouphug:

 

 

 

None of the local colleges have the kind of support that the schools we're looking at have.  He clearly doesn't have the skills to be successful at our local CC.  It's not the academic skills that he's missing... It's the problem solving and self advocacy...

 

...At the programs we'd be looking at, students meet every single day with a disability counselor/coach.  That's a huge difference. 

 

...I think he's much more likely to be successful in college if he goes away, then if he stays home.  So the question is really go away, or don't go to college at all.

 

 

... My guess is that a disability counselor/coach who on staff at a college, has access to everything, and is working directly with professors would have a better chance of catching things early and being able to help him find a solution, then one from the outside.  

 

 

... [which would] give him what he wants, which is the experience of going away and a peer group...

 

If there is a program with that much daily individual support, and your student wants to go, then it sounds like your student would have the very best shot at success by going. Perhaps the thing to do then, is to use the remainder of this school year to work on the mental health issues with the student, to get the student stable, and with as many tools as possible for how to handle things/what to do, if/when things go sideways in the future...

 

BEST wishes! Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited November 14, 2017 by Lori D.

[Daria]

What are the stipulations that the relative is putting on the money for college?  Does the relative insist that it be used within a certain period of time?  Does the relative require certain grades to continue to support a college education?  What all is the relative willing to support relative to college--tuition, books, room & board, tutors, travel???

 

Another question I would be seriously considering is whether the student is ready academically for college-level work.  Yes, a certain level of maturity is a requirement.  But, academic preparation is also required.  I would be less concerned about his dual enrollment grades (and attribute them to maturity) if he had demonstrated that he is competent at high school work.  

 

The money can go to any school, but it needs to go to a school.  So room, board, tuition, supplemental programs for the ADHD.  That kind of thing.  There are no grade stipulations.  It's not changeable, because it's legally tied up, but there's no time limit.  If he didn't use it, then it would be there for his children to use, or theoretically another relative, but he's the only child of his generation.  He's my only kid, my siblings don't have kids, and I don't have first cousins on that side of the family. 

 

His academic skills are pretty average, with a relative strength in reading/writing and a relative weakness in math, which means at the schools we're looking at, that serve mostly kids with LD, he'd be near the top.  His ACT scores are about 7 points higher than the average at most of them.  I think that's a good place for him to be.  He'd need the academics to be easy so he could focus on the mental health piece.  

 

It's not maturity.  I feel like I keep saying that, and people keep missing it.  This has nothing to do with maturity.