s/o Were you young when you decided you wanted to be a SAHM (if you're a SAHM)

[Night Elf]

In high school, around age 17, I knew all I wanted to do was graduate, get a clerical job, get married and have kids. I dreamed I wouldn't have to work but with the lifestyle in which I was raised, that didn't seem like a possibility. I followed my plans although I didn't have my first child until I'd been married to my first husband for 4 years. I was very unhappy during those years because I wanted a baby NOW and he kept saying he wasn't ready. When we did have her, I had to work because we couldn't live on one income.

 

Then I got remarried and had my second child. I still had to work because my DH moved from another state to marry me and had to take a big pay cut. We got pregnant the first month we were married. When our son was 8 months old, he got a huge raise and I was able to quit work and be a SAHM. Although I never needed to work, I did have periods where I would work for a while, never more than a year at a time. I just missed the type of work I did. But I didn't want to make a career out of it. I wanted to be home with my kids when they were school age. 

 

And that happened. And I ended up homeschooling for 15 years. So I feel like I am living the life I envisioned when I was a teenager, when all I really wanted to be was a housewife and mother.

 

Anyone else feel that way? I know many of you work for whatever reasons but is there anyone like me who knew from a young age she wanted to be a SAHM? Am I old fashioned?

[scholastica]

How young? I always wanted a career, until my nieces and nephews came along. I watched their mothers struggle to deal with childcare and mommy guilt and all that stuff. My dh and I were newly married, both out of school and working. We took a look at that and decided I would stay home when we had kids. That was my mid-late twenties. I have been home for just shy of 20 years. I don't regret it at all. It's a privilege and I am grateful that my dh's income provides for us. It's not the case for most people.

[Laura Corin]

I never planned on it.  I had childcare set up and was planning to continue working three days a week, then Husband got a job in Hong Kong after  a year of unemployment.  So we had to go.  The work culture there was so high pressure, that I knew that even if I worked as a professional woman part time, it would still be full time hours and the boys would barely see us.  So I didn't work.

 

As soon as I stopped home educating (after a family decision that school was the right place for the boys at this point) I found a job straight away, then built up to full-time hours.  I expect to work full time until I'm at least 67 or 68.

[lmrich]

I knew I wanted to stay home with our kids once we had them. We were lucky in our plans. We got married right out of college and lived on my teacher income while he went to grad school. Then once he got a job we lived on his salary while we saved mine so we could live comfortably once I was home with baby. I took a job as a nanny after my son was born (he came with me) and that extra money made the transition even easier. I tutored on and off as well. 

 

When my oldest was ready for school, we decided on private school, so I went to work at the private school four mornings a week. 

Then when the youngest was in four-year-old preschool, I worked full time for a year. 

Then I started working for myself as a teacher, either in my home or at area hybrids, or as a tutor. 

 

Now that my youngest is 16, I wonder what is next.

[Night Elf]

How young? I always wanted a career, until my nieces and nephews came along. I watched their mothers struggle to deal with childcare and mommy guilt and all that stuff. My dh and I were newly married, both out of school and working. We took a look at that and decided I would stay home when we had kids. That was my mid-late twenties. I have been home for just shy of 20 years. I don't regret it at all. It's a privilege and I am grateful that my dh's income provides for us. It's not the case for most people.

 

I didn't have a specific age in mind. I was just thinking about it because of the thread of what did you want to be when you were a preteen. My friend and I talked about being truck drivers because we wanted to stay together. But other than that, I had no thoughts on a career. In high school, I liked my computer science class and thought about going to college and majoring in that but my mom told me people like us don't go to college so she had me take business classes in high school so I could graduate and get a clerical job. I didn't know any better and my school counselor didn't even try to talk me into college. My sister had her first baby when I was 17 and I knew then that's what I really wanted. Marriage and kids.

[mom2att]

I got my degree in education not because I wanted a teaching career, but because I thought it would be a job I liked until I could do what I really wanted to do, which was stay home with my kids. What I didn't imagine was that I would end up using that training by teaching my own kids through homeschooling.

 

I truly love teaching and look forward to going back to it in the near future, as I'm approaching the end of my homeschooling tenure. In the meantime, my degree has served me well not just in homeschooling my kids, but in the many and varied classes I've taught to other homeschoolers through the years.

 

Short answer--yes, I've always wanted to be a SAHM. I am grateful to have been able to do so. I am also grateful to have earned a degree that has been and will hopefully continue to be in a field I love.

 

ETA: I was in 5th grade when I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I always wanted to be a mom and hoped I could be home with my kids at least when they were little--my mom went back to work when I was in 1st grade, so something like that.

Edited October 28, 2017 by mom2att

[MotherGoose]

No, I didn't even know I wanted to be a mom till I was late 20s.

[DawnM]

Not at all.  I went straight to college and then straight to grad school and full time employment while in grad school.  I never, ever planned to stay at home.  I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for my special needs son.  When he was 5 and got kicked out of his 2nd private school, we knew it was time for me to go to part time.  When that didn't work well, I finally opted to stay home when he was 8.  I had been working for over 16 years at that time.  I was 40 when I quit my job.

 

I went back to work at age 50 last year.  I plan to work full time until age 65 at least.  That will give me a somewhat decent retirement.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

I had planned a career. I had a special needs child and chose to stay home because of that.

[73349]

As a tween/teen, I didn't think I'd even marry until my 30s, and had no plans to have kids. (I was doing a great deal of caring for younger siblings, and not enjoying it.)

 

Once engaged (~21) and thinking about kids, I did see myself staying home for a few years. Homeschooling wasn't even a thought--we didn't know of anybody who did that.

[Carrie12345]

I never intended to be a sahm.

I have been since I was 24.

[regentrude]

No, I never planned on it. I did not even know whether or when I would want to have children. I didn't have kids until I had completed my graduate education and done a postdoc abroad. I then planned to take one year off work after the birth of each child, then return to my job. In my field, a longer break would make it impossible to return to my career.

As it turned out, I was a SAHM for a total of four years, with a few months of work in between. During the last years I developed depression and only got well when I returned to work part time, in a different capacity. 

Edited October 28, 2017 by regentrude

[SparklyUnicorn]

Nope.. I said for a long time I was never going to stay home.  I decided to stay home when I was 28 after my first was born.  And in fact I went back to work 3 weeks after he was born and worked for awhile.  Then I lost my daycare person (my mother) and had to find something else.  I was ready to put him in a local center and then changed my mind the day before.  Oddly the head person who ran the place seemed like she was trying to talk me out of it. 

 

 

 

 

[marbel]

When I was a kid, I assumed I would be a stay-home mom if/when I got married because that's what I knew.  My mom, my aunts on her side, and all the neighborhood ladies stayed home. My dad's 3 sisters worked but that was looked at as an unfortunate thing they had to do because their husbands didn't make enough money.  BTW I was born in 1956; that was the attitude I grew up with at that time.

 

I got married at 22, when I had about  half a bachelor's degree, but that ended before we had any kids. I was single for a long time after that.  I worked, finished my degree, and built good relationships with my nieces and nephews. I expected I would never marry and have kids.  At 37 I met my husband; we married when I was 39, and our kids were born when I was 41 and 42. At that point we decided I would stay home, and then I started homeschooling.  So I worked for over 20 years, before kids.  

 

So, to answer the question, I was not young when I decided I wanted to be a SAHM.  I was happy to quit work, but I do regret having quit so completely that I am virtually unemployable at this point except for jobs I don't want (preschool teacher assistant, mainly).  I'd be happy if my daughter wants and is able to be a SAHM if and when she gets married, but I already caution her not to focus on that so completely that she can't get a job again later if she wants/needs it. 

 

ETA: I also would not encourage my daughter to become a mother so late in life as I did.  It wasn't my plan but just the way it worked out.  No regrets (though I am really ready for the empty nest!).

Edited October 28, 2017 by marbel

[Crimson Wife]

No, I had planned on staying employed PT but I was naive about how difficult it would be to find a decent PT or job share position.

[MinivanMom]

As a teen I knew I wanted to stay home with my children when they were small. I was watching my mother struggle to juggle life and daycare with working full-time after she had my baby brother.

 

I imagined I would go to college and establish a career before taking a "break" to stay home with little ones. I never imagined that I would be on "break" this long, but I've had more children over a much wider spread than I ever expected. And that's before you throw in homeschooling.

[MEmama]

Yup.

 

Which is kind of funny, because then in my twenties I didn't want kids, and as 30 approached I only wanted one--at most.

We were lucky that we got to wait 8 years of being married before having DS; we got to play and have fun together in those younger years, and still have time to get get "settled" with the corporate job and salary that allowed me to stay home before deciding to stop trying not to have one.

 

I still have a poster a high school classmate made of me (the assignment was to interview a friend) that states being a SAHM was my career goal. I think it's a shame it's so looked down upon and made so difficult.

[happypamama]

I think I probably wanted to be, assumed I would be, a SAH since I was about three, when I discovered that I love babies and that being a big sister and babysitting was not quite as satisfying as I’d have liked because I had to give the babies back. My mom stayed home with us, and that made sense to me. Once I had babies of my own, I was really, really glad I wasn’t going back to work because I couldn’t imagine leaving them. It took until our oldest was fifteen and our (living) youngest four for me to be okay with leaving them with my parents overnight for fun!

 

But seriously, I wasn’t told that I HAD to be a SAHM or that I shouldn’t have a career or anything. I got a lot of encouragement in high school to go into a STEM field because I’m good at math. But I never wanted to. Science doesn’t interest me. My parents were pro-college but pro whatever I wanted. I picked history as a major because I love history, and I loved my time there, and I also spent a lot of time studying child development. I’m really grateful that my parents encouraged me to do whatever God called me to do and didn’t ever tell me I was sacrificing my brain or sacrificing my children. I’m doing exactly what I thought I’d be doing with my life.

[Pawz4me]

I was close to 30 before I decided I wanted to have a kid. Even when I went out on maternity leave, just a few days before DS was born, I was planning on returning to work. But here it is almost 22 years later and I’m still a SAHM.

[carriede]

When I was in middle school, I decided my ideal life would to be a SAHM and maybe substitute teach.

 

In high school I was really into music (band) and throught I might do something with that. I ended up getting a BS in Psychology. Of course I was already engaged to an engineering student by that time. I'm certain DH would have supported me (emotionally) if I had decided to go to grad school, but I didn't really want to.

 

We both wanted children in our early 20s, and both our moms were SAHMs, so that's what our goal was. Well, DS8 was born when I was 24 and I've been home ever since.

 

But seriously, I wasn’t told that I HAD to be a SAHM or that I shouldn’t have a career or anything. ... My parents were pro-college but pro whatever I wanted. I picked history as a major because I love history, and I loved my time there, and I also spent a lot of time studying child development. I’m really grateful that my parents encouraged me to do whatever God called me to do and didn’t ever tell me I was sacrificing my brain or sacrificing my children. I’m doing exactly what I thought I’d be doing with my life.

This was the sentiment from my parents and family was well.

[Lady Florida.]

As I said in another thread, I knew from a very young age that I wanted to be a teacher. However, I also knew probably around high school or college age, that I wanted to stay home when/if I had kids. Right up to when ds was a baby I planned to stay home until he started school then go back to teaching, which would give me a schedule similar to his. So, full time sahm until the kids are grown? No, that was never a plan. But I did plan to stay home when my children (I didn't know then I'd only have one) were young, before they went to school. 

 

Of course our decision to homeschool changed everything. We made the decision when he was around 6 months old. I'm not sorry that I never went back to work. I loved the homeschool lifestyle and I loved being a full time sahm as much as I loved being a classroom teacher.

[Carrie12345]

Yup.

 

Which is kind of funny, because then in my twenties I didn't want kids, and as 30 approached I only wanted one--at most.

We were lucky that we got to wait 8 years of being married before having DS; we got to play and have fun together in those younger years, and still have time to get get "settled" with the corporate job and salary that allowed me to stay home before deciding to stop trying not to have one.

 

I still have a poster a high school classmate made of me (the assignment was to interview a friend) that states being a SAHM was my career goal. I think it's a shame it's so looked down upon and made so difficult.

 

I've never felt looked down upon. If anything, some people are envious.

That said, it *IS* a risky choice!  I'll be perfectly fine if any of my kids (boys or girls) become a stay at home parent, but I definitely don't present it as a "career" option.  If my husband's career tanks (unlikely at this point, thank goodness, but anything is possible,) our family would be in big trouble.  After 16 years at home, I couldn't even get an interview for a retail job.  I don't want my kids considering staying home and/or homeschooling UNTIL they can measure the real pros and cons of their actual life/marriage/plans with a partner, not the hypothetical "I'll marry someone who can support us" pros and cons.

[Lady Florida.]

As a teen I knew I wanted to stay home with my children when they were small. I was watching my mother struggle to juggle life and daycare with working full-time after she had my baby brother.

 

 

 

My mother stayed home until I started kindergarten. Shortly after my brother was born, the same year I started school, she went to work. She always told me she wished she could have stayed home with us kids longer, and that if I had the chance to stay home (i.e. if it was financially viable) that I should do so. I took her advice.

[catz]

I had hoped I could stay home for the preschool years certainly.  Homeschooling felt like  a necessity for a time when my oldest was younger and it has just continued to work financially for us to do so, so here we are.

 

That said, I think being educated to the level of being able to have a livable income is pretty much a necessity in this day and age for both genders.  I think it's really hard to know ahead of time what will work for your family for many years.  The unexpected can happen. 

[Barb_]

No, I fell into it.. I had always planned to work.

[Guest]

No. I can barely believe I have had this gig for so long. My mother was a SAHM always, except for an odd job here and there. We were poor and I did not want to be poor. I equated being at home with a passel of kids with poverty. It’s not that I had wellxdefined professional goals; I didn’t really have that either. But when I got married, I was in no hurry to be home and did not at first think I would be. Then I lost my job at the law firm and by then, my mind was starting to shift about it being good for kids to grow up with paid caregivers. By the time I had my first kid, I had decided to be at home, although I started doing DH’s secretarial and bookkeeping work. Still thought homeschoolers were crazy, odd Bible-thumpers who wanted to shield their children from the world. ðŸ˜

 

I came to homeschooling when it snuck up on me while reading Mary Pride’s Big Book of Home Learning.

[Elizabeth86]

My whole entire life. There was a span when I went to college and considered a career. It was fine for a while, I started pharmacy school and then 2 months in it hit me I would always be working if I spent 100 grand on school.I would have kids and someone else would be raising them. I was miserable, I quit.

[GinaPagnato]

I never thought much about having kids until after I was married. I was very academically driven, and higher education and a professional career were instilled in me from my family growing up.

 

When I got married, I worked FT and loved it. BUT, as soon as we talked about getting pregnant, the context was always that I would stay home full time and raise the kids. Both DH and I had grown up with SAHMs, so that was what we knew and what we both felt would be best for our family.

 

I also never thought about homeschooling until it fell in my lap...but that's a whole other story.

[Guest]

Oh, I should mention a factor in staying home, other than not wanting to leave the kids in daycare - once I had more than one child (eldest two are 21 months apart, so I didn't have an only for long) putting them in childcare, and paying for that out of my income from my old job or similar, would have left me worse off financially than staying at home did. This was due to the taxation/family benefits scheme we have here.

 

I couldn't square away losing money and putting the kids in daycare at that time.

One of my co-workers (a legal secretary) told me once that her working and having her kids in daycare was a financial wash for her. It was more expensive for her to work than it would be for her lose the income and stay home. She said she worked only for the “mental break†from raising her kids. That did sound super-nutty to me.

[Petrichor]

Yes. 

[nixpix5]

My mom was a SAHM and back then I had a negative association with it so nope, I swore I never would but I also said I would never have kids too. I have a really busy brain and get bored easily. I have always had to be doing something, taking classes, learning, working etc. Being a SAHM sounded like the antithesis of anything I would ever want to do. Never say never though :) I have found that homeschooling has been deeply rewarding and satisfying. I can harness my busy brain towards creating fun projects, reading curriculum and figuring out the most effective way to explain hard concepts. I just love it! Now I am a crazy convert that sings the praises of being at home with your kids.

[Selkie]

I always knew that I would stay at home with my kids. My parents both worked and way too much of my childhood was spent either with a babysitter or on my own as a latchkey kid. That was not something I wanted for my kids.

 

Dh and I got married when I was 21 and waited eight years to have our first. We spent those years working and earning as much as possible so that we would be in a good financial position when it came time for me to become a sahm.

 

Staying home with my kids has been a dream come true for me. Having a career never mattered one bit to me - taking care of my family was a much more important goal. 

[regentrude]

One of my co-workers (a legal secretary) told me once that her working and having her kids in daycare was a financial wash for her. It was more expensive for her to work than it would be for her lose the income and stay home. She said she worked only for the “mental break†from raising her kids. That did sound super-nutty to me.

 

This does not sound nutty to me at all! Current salary is not the only financial consideration.

Staying in the workforce even when it is a financial wash will translate into higher salaries later on when she gains seniority, and better employment prospects if she changes jobs, compared to an extended at home break. And retirement benefits for all these years. In the long term, it can actually be a financially sound decision.

 

And the personal satisfaction of doing something out of the house can save a person's mental health. I suffered from depression as a SAHM ; I got well only when I returned to work.

Edited October 28, 2017 by regentrude

[Mommyof1]

I always wanted to be a SAHM even as a little kid.

 

I was in the working world for over 25 years and didn't have my DD until my 40's.

[Rosika]

I didn't want to be a SAHM when I was younger, and frankly I'm not all that thrilled to be one now. But it's best for my family, so that's my priority.

 

Where I'm from, grandparents raise the kids while parents work. So I always envisioned being a SAHgrandM, but never a SAHMother. When I was working outside of the home, my parents and my inlaws were our caregivers. I think that is part of my difficulty adjusting to being a SAHM, because I never had to pay for child care so that's not a benefit to me staying home. 

 

My reality now is being a SAHM with two sets of (retired) SAHgrandparents over here up in my craw every day while we figure out how to ignore generations of cultural conditioning. LOL  :willy_nilly:  

[MercyA]

Yes. I was voted "Most Likely to Have 12 Kids" in 6th grade. :) I did very well in school, but have never had any desire for a career.

 

When DH and I started to talk seriously about marriage, he told me he didn't want kids. At all. He was, however, happy for me to be a SAHW if that's what I wanted, when we could afford it. His lack of desire for children wasn't a deal breaker for me and we were married right after we graduated from college. I have a teaching degree but found that I really don't enjoy teaching other people's kids. I worked some part-time jobs for a few years and have been home ever since. DH had a change of heart and we had DD after being married over ten years.

 

No regrets. 

[Penguin]

No. My mom was a working mom, and that was what I was raised to be. When we had our first child, I was making more than my husband. I didn't become a SAHM until my oldest boys were 5 and 2. I had a very demanding job that included overseas travel. I was very burned out, and when we made our first big move I was able to try out being a SAHM  I never expected to stay a SAHM for 20 years, though! But here we are. No regrets. I might go back to work after the youngest finishes high school in 2019. We'll see.

Edited October 28, 2017 by Penguin

[Ausmumof3]

It would have been more odd for me to decide not to be a stay at home mum as its the common choice in our circles. More people are working part time or from home to make ends meet though.

[regentrude]

But if you don't have the luxury of being 'carried' - ie someone else is paying all rent, and food, and clothes, and medicine and everything else a family needs - choosing to lose money for the sake of higher pay later, isn't really an option.  

 

For many women, current salary IS what counts, because it's what keeps the family afloat now. 

 

Yes, of course. if it is not feasible for the family, it is a moot point.

But that did not seem to be the situation of the acquaintance of the poster to whom I replied. 

[Storygirl]

I always wanted to be a SAHM. I didn't have children until I was in my thirties and wasn't married until age 29, so I had quite a few years of working before I had babies to take care of.

[StaceyinLA]

It’s all I ever really wanted to do as long as I can remember. I went to college and I worked, but once I had my oldest, I was done. I’m enjoying seeing them stay home and raise their little ones (and home school too).

[alisoncooks]

I knew that once I had kids, I wanted to stay home with them. It just made sense to me, especially financially. I had my first child at age 26, and stopped working 1 week before she was born. Never returned.

[SparklyUnicorn]

But if you don't have the luxury of being 'carried' - ie someone else is paying all rent, and food, and clothes, and medicine and everything else a family needs - choosing to lose money for the sake of higher pay later, isn't really an option.  

 

For many women, current salary IS what counts, because it's what keeps the family afloat now. 

 

There is another detail involved.  While long term you'd likely make more money, while this is all going on and you are working for no money, someone has to deal with taking care of the needs of the kids (they get sick, etc.).  You end up taking time off because it is often seen that the fact you aren't bringing in the salary you all are living on, that your job is more expendable than your spouses.  This could have all sorts of negative effects on advancement opportunities or at worst keeping your job if you should have to take off too much time.  That's pretty much what the situation was for me.  I had to take off an extended amount of time off while pregnant due to being put on bed rest.  So by the time I got back to work I had used up all vacation time, sick time, personal time, and disability time.  I had ZERO time left.  So any time I had to take off I would not be paid fo it.  Not to mention I wondered if I'd be able to keep my job if I had to take time off.  Which is a big reason I went back three weeks after my kid was born. 

[lynn]

Sahm's weren't part of my world. Everyone I knew came from 2 income homes. The thought never crossed my mind until I was married and dh and I made the decision together.

[foxbridgeacademy]

No I was sure I didn't want kids.  Then I was sure even though I had them I was not going to be a SAHM, in fact DH stayed home for about 4-5 months when we couldn't afford daycare and both of us work.  then he found better paying work and just kept making more and more. We paid almost all of my paycheck to daycare so it just made sense for me to stay home plus I didn't like the educational system we were in.  Now I love it and couldn't imagine having spent the majority of my waking hours away from my kids.

[elegantlion]

No, I wasn't sure I wanted children at all. However, we both had mothers that stayed at home full-time at least for a while, mine until I was in high school. We wanted that for ds, besides day care would have taken the entire salary and I was not that invested in a career. 

[regentrude]

I had to take off an extended amount of time off while pregnant due to being put on bed rest.  So by the time I got back to work I had used up all vacation time, sick time, personal time, and disability time.  I had ZERO time left.  So any time I had to take off I would not be paid fo it.  Not to mention I wondered if I'd be able to keep my job if I had to take time off.  Which is a big reason I went back three weeks after my kid was born. 

 

which gets me on my soap box to rant about how pregnant women and young mothers are treated in the US.

Aside from Papua New Guinea, the US is the only country in the world without paid maternity leave! And we call this civilized. 

No expecting mother should be penalized for being on bed rest, and no young mother should be forced to return to work three weeks after the birth. That is barbaric. 

Edited October 28, 2017 by regentrude

[SparklyUnicorn]

which gets me on my soap box to rant about how pregnant women and young mothers are treated in the US.

Aside from Papua New Guinea, the US is the only country in the world without paid maternity leave! And we call this civilized. 

No expecting mother should be penalized for being on bed rest, and no young mother should be forced to return to work three weeks after the birth. That is barbaric. 

 

It is barbaric.

 

And I knew putting my kid into a daycare center would have been highly problematic because he had bad colic.  Who is going to put up with that? 

 

If it had been easier to stay working, I probably would have.  It just seemed impossible at the time.

[fraidycat]

I knew that IF I had kids, I wanted one of us to stay home with the kids until school age. I never dreamed I’d be a homeschool mom or stay at home as long as I did.

 

SAHM was never a goal or dream of mine, and it did not do me any favors mentally/emotionally.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah I have no clue how the homeschooling thing happened. 

 

:lol: