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Helping older person, when she feels life is over


Janeway
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My oldest sister pretty much now seems to feel as if she is at the end of her life. This is the one that had no kids, isn't married, and has stood in judgement of me over every single thing in my life since I got married. I always felt like her judgements of me were more about jealousy than her really thinking I was a loser. Maybe to make herself feel better about how her life was turning out, she started having to put down my life. I used to always look up to her and pretty much, I was the little sister who copied everything she did. It never seemed to bother her. As far as I was concerned, the moon hung on her and she was just the best and I wanted to be just like her. Then one day, I got married and had children and she was working hard in her career. I stopped working and became a full time parent. When I was pregnant with my first, she told me what she wanted to name her baby when she had one. But then she never married and she never had a child. Now, she is 50 yrs old and alone and it seems as if her friends have gone by the wayside. She had worked her way up in the corporate world and was successful and then got laid off about three years ago and never found a new job. Now, her mom is dead, the only parent she really knew. I guess she just thought her mom would always be there. (we have the same mom, different dads, she never knew her dad. That is on my mom. She was born in the 60's and dads did not have rights then and my mom kept her dad away, but I know my sister does not want to hear about that). Now, she is as if life is just over. As far as she is concerned, she is now just in a holding pattern, waiting for death.

 

The point is, I feel awful for her!! I am meeting her for lunch. I don't know if I should just make general conversation or if I should make suggestions of things to do, or what. Not sure what to even suggest. I have not really spoken to her in three years. And in the last many years, she has just been judgemental and not spoken to me really. This will be the first time in 17.5 yrs where I will sit down with her and be alone with her. 

 

I guess I should just leave it alone. But I have been trying to think of encouraging things I could say without coming off like I am giving advice.

 

 

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The best thing you could probably do would be to listen if she wants to talk, try to reflect back to her (restate what she says to be sure you understood, "It sounds like you feel you have nothing to live for.") and leave it at that.  You do not yet have a relationship where you could make suggestions.  I'd work on rebuilding that first (if she can manage to not be judgmental of you).  Six months from now, if you are still happily meeting regularly, then you can edge in a few suggestions here and there.  

 

If you haven't had a sit-down conversation with her in 17 years, then you are probably hearing all about her second hand or through social media or something.  Don't make assumptions based on that, just listen and let her talk if she wants to.  

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The best thing you could probably do would be to listen if she wants to talk, try to reflect back to her (restate what she says to be sure you understood, "It sounds like you feel you have nothing to live for.") and leave it at that.  You do not yet have a relationship where you could make suggestions.  I'd work on rebuilding that first (if she can manage to not be judgmental of you).  Six months from now, if you are still happily meeting regularly, then you can edge in a few suggestions here and there.  

 

If you haven't had a sit-down conversation with her in 17 years, then you are probably hearing all about her second hand or through social media or something.  Don't make assumptions based on that, just listen and let her talk if she wants to.  

There will be no seeing her on a regular basis. She lives on the other side of the country, back where we grew up. And I am not assuming. I have not had one on one time for an extended period of time. But, in the last few weeks, I have been at Mom's house, helping her clean stuff out and we have talked then. And there were always other people around. She is not on social media and I do not discuss her with relatives at all.

 

I do agree, no advice. But, I did decide to invite her to go shopping this weekend. Maybe some good time, away from the depression, will bring a little happiness to her. A distraction. That might be what she needs.

Edited by Janeway
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Janeway, I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to say that I think it's so kind of you to be worried about your sister and to want to help her. Maybe you can start calling, emailing, or texting her on a regular basis and focus on her and what she's doing. Try to help her find value in the things she has, and try to distract her from feeling envious of what you have and that she feels she's missing.

 

I don't know if she's in good financial shape, but if she can afford it, maybe she could join a group that travels to interesting places together. If she has a lot of free time on her hands, perhaps she could take up a hobby that could also get her involved in some kind of club, like something art-related, photography, or even scrapbooking. It sounds like she needs to find new friends. How old is she?

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I don't think you are in a position to try to be her therapist. If you get a chance to recommend a medical check up and finding a therapist that would be great, otherwise--well, it sounds like you/she won't be in town for long so just spend some time, interact normally, and let her go back to her life.

 

You can't fix someone else's problems, especially long distance.

Edited by maize
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. This will be the first time in 17.5 yrs where I will sit down with her and be alone with her.

 

If you have not really spoken with her in 17 years, you are not in any position to give encouragement or advice. The only thing you can do is listen.

If she is depressed, she needs professional help; distraction via going shopping does not fix depression.

 

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Also, your thread title is odd; I would not be calling a 50 year old woman an "older person" . That's just middle age, half way through adult life.

And it is a very common time for a midlife crisis. Women get those, too.

I completely missed the fact that she's only 50 when I read the OP! :svengo:

 

As someone older than this "older person," I have to say that I hope Janeway realizes that her sister may be too old to have children, but she's certainly not too old for much of anything else she wants to do in her life -- and people don't necessarily need to have children in order to be happy.

 

Until I read your post and went back and re-read the OP, I was imagining the sister to be much, much older.

 

She might simply be overwhelmed with grief about her mother's recent death. It could take her a while to bounce back from that. I think that's normal, particularly if she was close to her mom.

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Ok, I'm another one who laughed at 50 being "older"  :lol:

 

I think what she'd appreciate is genuine concern and knowing that ... while she's in this "holding pattern" ... there's at least one person who cares. Hopefully as time passes, grief becomes more controlled, and therapy/medical issues are addressed, she'll be able to find strength and hope in knowing that you were there in the thick of things when she couldn't see past her own depression or grief or crisis or whatever this is. 

 

How to show genuine concern? Follow the sage advice of those posters before me: be an ear. It sounds like you're able to see through her judgment of you over the years and see it more as a reflection of her situation - not yours. That's a great start and a very loving act, especially for a sister. 

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If you have not really spoken with her in 17 years, you are not in any position to give encouragement or advice. The only thing you can do is listen.

If she is depressed, she needs professional help; distraction via going shopping does not fix depression.

 

I have spoken with her, just not been one on one in all these years, but any extended time. For example, a few days ago, it was just the two of us in the living room working on some things, but there were still two of my children in the house and my brother and dad in the next room with no door between us. Or all the years where we do stuff together in a group. It is just once I had my now 16 yr old, there was a distance and a lack of desire for a close relationship, which we used to have.

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Also, your thread title is odd; I would not be calling a 50 year old woman an "older person" . That's just middle age, half way through adult life.

And it is a very common time for a midlife crisis. Women get those, too.

She is older than me. I did not use the term elderly. I used a comparative word. 

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Ok, I'm another one who laughed at 50 being "older"  :lol:

 

I think what she'd appreciate is genuine concern and knowing that ... while she's in this "holding pattern" ... there's at least one person who cares. Hopefully as time passes, grief becomes more controlled, and therapy/medical issues are addressed, she'll be able to find strength and hope in knowing that you were there in the thick of things when she couldn't see past her own depression or grief or crisis or whatever this is. 

 

How to show genuine concern? Follow the sage advice of those posters before me: be an ear. It sounds like you're able to see through her judgment of you over the years and see it more as a reflection of her situation - not yours. That's a great start and a very loving act, especially for a sister. 

By older, I meant older than me. She is my older sister. 

 

Different remarks I have heard in the last few days have included things to the effect of "I haven't had my period in six years so no family for me" and "no one wants me" and when I asked about certain friends she used to be close to, she said "I haven't seen them in years, they have families and I don't." She will not speak much some times and then go in to her room and come out after a while, with her eyes red and it is clear she has been crying. 

 

I want her to see she is younger than she thinks. "It" is not all over. Heck, grandma is still alive. And our uncle died at 103. She could live more than another 50 years. 

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I completely missed the fact that she's only 50 when I read the OP! :svengo:

 

As someone older than this "older person," I have to say that I hope Janeway realizes that her sister may be too old to have children, but she's certainly not too old for much of anything else she wants to do in her life -- and people don't necessarily need to have children in order to be happy.

 

Until I read your post and went back and re-read the OP, I was imagining the sister to be much, much older.

 

She might simply be overwhelmed with grief about her mother's recent death. It could take her a while to bounce back from that. I think that's normal, particularly if she was close to her mom.

You guys are so silly! LOL..she is older than ME..not elderly! I do not see her as too old for anything. But I am sure she sees me as too young to understand what she is going through.

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By older, I meant older than me. She is my older sister. 

 

Different remarks I have heard in the last few days have included things to the effect of "I haven't had my period in six years so no family for me" and "no one wants me" and when I asked about certain friends she used to be close to, she said "I haven't seen them in years, they have families and I don't." She will not speak much some times and then go in to her room and come out after a while, with her eyes red and it is clear she has been crying. 

 

I want her to see she is younger than she thinks. "It" is not all over. Heck, grandma is still alive. And our uncle died at 103. She could live more than another 50 years. 

 

I get it. I have a sister who's only 11 months older than me, but I always call her OLDER.  :tongue_smilie:

 

So it definitely sounds like depression or a mid-life crisis, maybe both. I'm sure the passing of your mother (I'm so sorry!) is bringing all of it more to the surface, and she must be drowning in the emotions of all of it. What a sad, lonely place for her to be! :(  

 

I think a good approach would be to consider the stages of grief - because it sounds like she's not only grieving the loss of your mother, but also perhaps the life she had envisioned for herself - and tailor your support accordingly. So maybe if you just hear her out right now, let her feel heard and work up to the part where you remind her that "it" isn't over and that she IS younger than she thinks. (I'm guessing that to hear that right now would be like salt in her wound. I can't imagine being so unhappy with my life and realizing that it could go on for another 50 years!)

 

:grouphug: It's hard to sit by and feel helpless when someone is experiencing this level of hurt. I hope she'll allow you to be there for her. 

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It definitely sounds like a grief issue - the loss of your mom (which definitely comes across as a major passing of time) - and for her, the loss of a family she always wanted to have.

 

There's not much you can do to fix either of those.  A grief counselor might help.  Just listening and being there for her might help (if she's not too jealous).  The passing of more time might help.

 

What does she do with her time since she's been laid off (three years ago)?  How does she earn $$ to pay bills?  Those areas can be places people find community - along with volunteering, joining clubs, churches, etc.  If/when she's up to suggestions, those are what come to mind, but when someone is grieving, suggestions can go in one ear and out the other.  The stress of the situation is difficult.  It's also easier to join things when one has someone to tag along rather than stepping out alone, but if you don't live nearby, that can be tough to do (or arrange).

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I get it. I have a sister who's only 11 months older than me, but I always call her OLDER.  :tongue_smilie:

 

So it definitely sounds like depression or a mid-life crisis, maybe both. I'm sure the passing of your mother (I'm so sorry!) is bringing all of it more to the surface, and she must be drowning in the emotions of all of it. What a sad, lonely place for her to be! :(  

 

I think a good approach would be to consider the stages of grief - because it sounds like she's not only grieving the loss of your mother, but also perhaps the life she had envisioned for herself - and tailor your support accordingly. So maybe if you just hear her out right now, let her feel heard and work up to the part where you remind her that "it" isn't over and that she IS younger than she thinks. (I'm guessing that to hear that right now would be like salt in her wound. I can't imagine being so unhappy with my life and realizing that it could go on for another 50 years!)

 

:grouphug: It's hard to sit by and feel helpless when someone is experiencing this level of hurt. I hope she'll allow you to be there for her. 

I think I will also, between now and lunch, try to think of things that might make her laugh, like memories of things I know she thinks are funny, and try to bring those up. That might cheer her.

 

I am not looking to solve all problems and turn her world around in one lunch. I just am hoping to help her to get thinking and maybe realize that life is not over for her and maybe give her something to laugh or smile about for just a short period of time. 

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I think I will also, between now and lunch, try to think of things that might make her laugh, like memories of things I know she thinks are funny, and try to bring those up. That might cheer her.

 

I am not looking to solve all problems and turn her world around in one lunch. I just am hoping to help her to get thinking and maybe realize that life is not over for her and maybe give her something to laugh or smile about for just a short period of time. 

 

Do the two of you have time to catch a movie together (comedy or something light) or some other activity you enjoyed in your youth?

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By older, I meant older than me. She is my older sister. 

 

Different remarks I have heard in the last few days have included things to the effect of "I haven't had my period in six years so no family for me" and "no one wants me" and when I asked about certain friends she used to be close to, she said "I haven't seen them in years, they have families and I don't." She will not speak much some times and then go in to her room and come out after a while, with her eyes red and it is clear she has been crying. 

 

She is cleaning out her deceased mother's house! Of course she is crying!

 

She is grieving, and the death of a parent makes us confront our own mortality. Sounds entirely normal to me.

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You should just leave it alone and try to have a pleasant lunch with her. If things go well, you can email later and tell her you're there for her.  You can do some reminiscing of your mom or something, but it's not really the time or place to jump in and offer her advice considering you aren't close.  

Maybe this can be the beginning of a new sister relationship...that would be great. 

 

I also think it's odd that you titled it as 'older person'.  Sure, I get she's your older sister, but it's as if you focus on 'older' over 'sister'.  

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I want her to see she is younger than she thinks. "It" is not all over. Heck, grandma is still alive. And our uncle died at 103. She could live more than another 50 years. 

 

She knows that. But 50 is a time when one looks back and reevaluates life choices and realizes that, no, you cannot have it all anymore. Some doors ARE closed. Your sister will never have biological children. Living for another 50 years is no consolation for this. And right now, being depressed, the thought of having to live another half century is a nightmare.

 

 

 But I am sure she sees me as too young to understand what she is going through.

 

You do seem to have a hard time understanding why your sister feels the way she does. It has nothing to do with your age - but, being a mom of several children, you may not be able to comprehend what it means for her to realize that she will never be a mother. It is no coincidence that she wrestles with this now, after having buried her own mother. It makes absolutely perfect sense to me.

Edited by regentrude
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Volunteer!

 

Help her get involved in an area of interest. There are many possibilities, from rocking babies to Master Gardening. That will give her a new focus. And there are many senior volunteers these days because folks want to stay active once they leave the workforce or become empty nesters.

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Volunteer!

 

Help her get involved in an area of interest. There are many possibilities, from rocking babies to Master Gardening. That will give her a new focus. And there are many senior volunteers these days because folks want to stay active once they leave the workforce or become empty nesters.

 

We're not talking about a senior- the lady is 50 years old. Since she is single, she may actually need a paying job more urgently than a volunteer gig. 

Edited by regentrude
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She is cleaning out her deceased mother's house! Of course she is crying!

 

She is grieving, and the death of a parent makes us confront our own mortality. Sounds entirely normal to me.

I agree with this.

 

I think that because you and your mother had split due to poor treatment and such, that you do not have as much mourning to do as she does. You need to give her some space, and not assume she has "nothing left to live for". Given that you've been distant and only recently reconnected, you don't really know the whole back story, or have a connection that allows you to "read between the lines". She will likely come through this just fine if allowed to mourn.

 

Just take her to lunch, make small talk, smile, and be pleasant. She doesn't need advice from someone she doesn't actually have much of a relationship with despite being related. Do not project your perspective on her life onto her.

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One possible pitfall that I see is that she is probably mourning really badly, and you're not mourning in the same way.  She probably knows that, but you should DEFINITELY avoid talking about it.  "Don't speak ill of the dead" is generally a good practice, and at no time is it more important than exactly now.

 

I would take the stance, I love you so much, I have always enjoyed your company, I'm so glad that we could get together, remember the time we....  That's IT.

No heavy discussions.  She's in heavy, heavy mourning, and this is not the time to add to that burden.

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The point is, I feel awful for her!! I am meeting her for lunch. I don't know if I should just make general conversation or if I should make suggestions of things to do, or what. Not sure what to even suggest. I have not really spoken to her in three years. And in the last many years, she has just been judgemental and not spoken to me really. This will be the first time in 17.5 yrs where I will sit down with her and be alone with her. 

 

 

 

It is never appropriate to make suggestions like that unless you are asked OR you are their parent, teacher or therapist.

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Well she needs to deal with her grief first, but when she does I would encourage her to do something to help others.  Maybe become a foster parent if she's open to that, they always need people who will take teens if she doesn't want to deal with infants. Maybe become a CASA, maybe do one of a million other things to make the world better.

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