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Telling a kid they shouldn't date someone?


Ann.without.an.e
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DS has a friend and I can tell that it is quickly escalating to more.  I don't know this girl or her family at all.  He met her at a DE class.  They have only been friends for a few months and she seems super needy/attached.  She has high anxiety and a lot of other emotional issues and she "needs" him.  He likes the idea of being the hero and being needed.  There are times when she "needs" him to call her to talk through things.  He is tutoring her some on campus but they have never been to her house or mine.  I found out later that she kept him up, panicked about something and he "had" to keep texting her and he didn't go to bed until 3am and it was the night of the PSAT.  ugh.  He doesn't see a problem with this.  They are not even in a named relationship (yet).  I feel like this is a very bad thing that will not go well.  But, if I say that to him I know I will distance him.  He is enamored with this girl.  So, what can I say/do to help him see that there are issues without outright forbidding this?  

We are having some other issues with this DS right now.  The reason I know about the PSAT night is because we recently had to take his phone away and I read his texts to her because of another concern.  

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I would start asking your ds a lot of question like- "What do you like about _____ (favorite qualities)?, What makes you guys such good friends? Is there anything you don't care for about her? Are there any potential problems you see in your relationship?" Basically, I would try and get my child to think, and I would try to do it in the least threatening way possible. Ask just a few question and do a lot of listening. If he feels safe to talk, he could very easily talk himself out of anything deeper.

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Ugh. This is a tough one.

 

When oldest ds had a needy girlfriend we kind of just rode it out. Emotions are always high in those situations and in our case telling him he shouldn't date her would have driven him further away. We did talk a lot. We never criticized the girl and we were always kind and welcoming to her. However, we did have direct conversations with ds using phrases like "We like Jane. She is a nice girl and is welcome here. But my life experience is sending up some red flags." , "you have to focus on yourself first, the teen and college years are for setting your own path", "no one that really cares about you would want to distract you from your goals", " you are 16. You are fantastic. But you cannot fix or save another person", etc, etc, etc

 

I wish I could say we found an answer but we spent three years having these discussions without alienating our ds. When he eventually broke it off he never looked back and has taken what he learned and is applying it to making better choices in companions and having healthier relationships.

 

The teen dating stuff is really hard. For dh and I the goal is to get them through it and to the other side without lifelong consequences. I feel like we are doing ok with that so far (we have two old enough to have had a couple significant relationships). I will tell you I find the whole experience pretty stressful and painful.

 

I know plenty of parents will come along this thread and say just to forbid it, no dating under 18, etc. That just didn't work here even with nice and compliant kids. Wish it would have!

 

I realize I haven't given any real advice here. I think if your ds really likes this girl I would try to get to know her and keep the lines of communication open.

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DS and I spent a lot of time talking about relationships and what a person (mainly himself) should bring to one: he should have hobbies/interests and be secure in himself, able to communicate well and set boundaries/respect other people's boundaries.  We talked about how relationships are like yin and yang - each person is different but works in harmony with the other person.  And we talked about warning signs - an immediate need for the other person to become your EVERYTHING instead of moving at a steady pace, about insecurity and dropping things because the other person doesn't like them.  We pointed out a lot of adult relationships and how they function differently than a teen one.  Not that teen ones are bad, and he's going to have relationships to learn and grow, but not to think that right now is going to be age 70, either.

 

By applying these ideas to himself, he was better able to gauge how to apply them to a significant other.  And he has made mistakes.  The first time he told me about a girl like the one you mentioned I raised my eyebrows.  I pointed out that it wasn't healthy, but I didn't ban anything.  He came to the same conclusion not much later and extricated himself from the situation.

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I know plenty of parents will come along this thread and say just to forbid it, no dating under 18, etc. That just didn't work here even with nice and compliant kids. Wish it would have!

 

I realize I haven't given any real advice here. I think if your ds really likes this girl I would try to get to know her and keep the lines of communication open.

You've given great advice and I agree with everything you've said.

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Yeah, once upon a time, I was forbidden from dating someone. I dated him for three years after the ultimatum. He was actually a good guy (we are fb today through a mutual group of people we were in at the time 30+ years ago). However, I probably went out with him longer than I would have had the relationship not been forbidden.

 

Such a pronouncement by a parent is likely to make the involved parties hold tighter.

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I agree with the advice to talk, talk, talk, and listen even more.  Ask him questions to get him to think.  Help him figure out what he wants out of a relationship and help him realize that he can be a friend but he cannot save her.  I'm assuming the class is only a semester, so maybe their schedules won't align next semester and it will fizzle out. 

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I think that hearing it from a male might be the most effective tactic. Does he have a good relationship with his dad, or is there another male that he looks up to and respects? Have that person sit down with your ds and explain that guys can get themselves into very bad situations by trying to be the knight in shining armor to a female who is playing the damsel in distress. Have him throw in some real life horror stories and that might open your ds's eyes.

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I would not forbid it, but I would put in structures to protect his personal time and academic record.  After some late-night support sessions between one of my sons and a distressed friend, we insisted that he recharge his phone in our room, so conversations stop at 10pm on school nights.  There have been one or two times when he asked for extra time and we allowed it, but in general his sleep is protected.  We also suggest that the phone is on the other side of the room when he is studying.

 

Forbidding it might well backfire.

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Dd's first boyfriend was not one we were happy with. She was 17 and he was 21 and he was already talking about marriage. They started dating just before she graduated high school and they knew she was going away to university that September. They ended up maintaining a long distance relationship after she left and *thankfully* dd realized how needy he was. He had started talking about moving across the country to be near her, but he had no real job aspirations or anything. Plus she was enjoying her first year away, making new friends at university and I think she probably couldn't imagine how he would fit in to that. They ended up in Spain together in October - they were both black belts and had both qualified to compete at worlds. That really brought things home to dd and she broke it off officially.

 

She's 21 now and has mentioned a few times how she feels we handed things right. We kind of rode it out. Along with some talks about how important it was for her to be on her own and figure things out as an adult before getting married. She is incredibly thankful that she didn't end up marrying the guy and she said if we had forbid the relationship or made a huge deal out of it she probably would have dug in and she wouldn't have had the room to realize it was wrong on her own. 

 

It was incredibly hard for us not to just tell her it wasn't going to happen. 

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You can also directly address any problem behavior that results.   For example, staying up texting until 3 am the night before the PSAT means that he is unwilling or unable to manage his phone time.  So, his phone needs to be in the living room or your bedroom from x time to y time.  

 

eta:  Some grown men are attracted to that needy stuff.  Maybe it might be good for your DS to realize the downside of the needy girlfriend while he is under your guidance.  

Edited by shawthorne44
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He is 16?

 

I would start with keeping his phone out of his room at night.

 

My dss16 had a friend like that. She is a cutter and has a lot of problems. Honestly I think he was glad to be able to escape her when he moved here and then we strongly encouraged him to not be her counselor. We talked repeatedly about how it is not his job to save a teen girl.

 

And we kept his phone out of his room until recently.

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No phone after bedtime.

 

I don’t know otherwise bc I have a base of talks to spring from that we’ve had for years by that point.

 

I do t really care about needy itself. Some people just are. But relationship destructive would concern me. I would focus on my son. On his needs right now. School for example. Did he tell her he had a huge exam the next morning? Did she or did she not respect that? What is a genuine ‘crisis’ and what is not. That at 16 he can’t be the sole support in any capacity for another person. Not emotionally, financially, or time.

 

I wouldn’t forbid them just yet bc I don’t read any major danger flags. Just having a needy relationship isn’t one in itself. If that’s he kind of girl that attracts him, then it’s important he learn how to do so healthily.

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Also talk about how it really doesn't help the other person, to "help" them so much. That they should rely on a professional for that, not another teenager. That no matter how much he wants to help, he's not the appropriate person. That when someone is drowning you do NOT jump in and give them your hand...because it won't save them and you will both drown. You throw them a lifeline, but don't offer up yourself. 

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No phone after bedtime.

 

I don’t know otherwise bc I have a base of talks to spring from that we’ve had for years by that point.

 

I do t really care about needy itself. Some people just are. But relationship destructive would concern me. I would focus on my son. On his needs right now. School for example. Did he tell her he had a huge exam the next morning? Did she or did she not respect that? What is a genuine ‘crisis’ and what is not. That at 16 he can’t be the sole support in any capacity for another person. Not emotionally, financially, or time.

 

I wouldn’t forbid them just yet bc I don’t read any major danger flags. Just having a needy relationship isn’t one in itself. If that’s he kind of girl that attracts him, then it’s important he learn how to do so healthily.

I like the idea of asking him if she knew he was taking the PSAT in the morning, and if she did, I would point out that she should have been concerned about him getting enough rest so he would be able to do his best on the exam. If she didn't bother to do that and made everything all about herself, that wasn't a nice thing to do, and it shows that she is selfish. If she truly cared about him, she would have been considerate of his needs and not only worried about herself and what she wants.

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Talk about boundaries in general, rather than this girl in particular. Make it a project to learn about healthy relationships, boundaries, enabling behavior, etc. 

 

Yes.  Even though he is already in a relationship you can speak generally.  It would be helpful for Dad, an uncle, older cousin, young adult close friend, etc to chime in.  

 

We started doing this when our kids were young teens.  I  had seen some nieces and nephews get into bad relationships when young so that motivated me to talk about this stuff with my own kids before it happened.  (If I had not had those examples, I'd never have given it a thought beforehand.)   We also point out unhealthy relationships on tv shows and movies we see.   Now my daughter is in a dating relationship and I am able to remind her of things we've talked about, so it's not new. But if we hadn't done the talking before, I'd start now anyway.  

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My ds had a pretty similar situation with a needy girl who also had diagnosed/medicated anxiety. She also had a boyfriend who treated her horribly. My ds really liked this girl and wanted to save her. I kept trying to talk to him about emotional connections and he’d listen but still constantly text this girl. Ds was a wreck. Eventually, it took a youth leader at our church to tell him exactly what I was telling him to get him to “break up†the friendship. I pray and pray that my knight in shinning armor doesn’t find a damsel

in distress and marry her.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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I like the idea of asking him if she knew he was taking the PSAT in the morning, and if she did, I would point out that she should have been concerned about him getting enough rest so he would be able to do his best on the exam. If she didn't bother to do that and made everything all about herself, that wasn't a nice thing to do, and it shows that she is selfish. If she truly cared about him, she would have been considerate of his needs and not only worried about herself and what she wants.

Oh crickey. No. I'd ask if he has told her about the PSAT during the texting and what she had responded. Then I would have walked him through how he could have asserted his need more. I'd have gone out of my way to reference her as little as possible and only positively when I had to.

 

"So did you mention in the texting that you needed sleep for the PSAT in the morning?"

 

Yes, but she really needed to talk...

 

Okay, what was the talk about? Could it have waited until after your exam? Could you have stopped taking after maybe an hour? If you didn't keep talking to her, what do you think would have happened?

 

By golly at some point in our conversation, my boy would be comprehending that it's okay to say you can't stay up any longer and go to sleep for an exam the next morning.

 

I probably would bring up how me and his dad have to do that. Dad really wants to talk or I really want to talk to him, but he is at work, or he calls when I'm trying to get dinner on the table, and we understand that saying "I need to do __" or "I'm sorry, I want to talk more, but I'm just too tired/busy/stressed, I'll call you back ___." Does not in any way mean we don't care about each other or that we are selfish.

 

This is not about the girl. This is about helping my son navigate a socially sticky situation bc he is young and uncertain.

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