s/o family relationships not meeting your hopes and expectations (adult children)

[Halftime Hope]

I have two young adults who are "newly minted" in one way or another.  DD is newly married and DS is 5 months into his first fulltime career job and just out of college.

 

Neither one has much time for dear old dad or dear old mom. 

 

I'm feeling sad, because my life revolved around these kids for years, and we had really great times, so much so that DS did not want to go to school his senior year of homeschooling, he wanted to continue school with me--his words.  (I'm not kidding myself, he also liked his "get 'er done" schedule--he did not want to go to school from morning to mid-afternoon--but he chose to stay home for several courses, and not do one of several other part-time options, so he and I could continue studying together.)

 

What is your experience with young adult kids?  Is this a phase?  I have zero reason to believe there is anything seriously wrong with our relationship long-term, but I really miss them both.  I need to give them space so that they'll (hopefully) come back to me to one degree or another, but gosh...this is hard.

 

Is this a pendulum swing thing?  What is your experience?

 

 

 

[Scarlett]

I have two young adults who are "newly minted" in one way or another.  DD is newly married and DS is 5 months into his first fulltime career job and just out of college.

 

Neither one has much time for dear old dad or dear old mom. 

 

I'm feeling sad, because my life revolved around these kids for years, and we had really great times, so much so that DS did not want to go to school his senior year of homeschooling, he wanted to continue school with me--his words.  (I'm not kidding myself, he also liked his "get 'er done" schedule--he did not want to go to school from morning to mid-afternoon--but he chose to stay home for several courses, and not do one of several other part-time options, so he and I could continue studying together.)

 

What is your experience with young adult kids?  Is this a phase?  I have zero reason to believe there is anything seriously wrong with our relationship long-term, but I really miss them both.  I need to give them space so that they'll (hopefully) come back to me to one degree or another, but gosh...this is hard.

 

Is this a pendulum swing thing?  What is your experience?

 

 

My son is a senior....and I dread to hit the stage you are in.  But my friends with older kids tell me it is a phase and they come back around.  (((hugs))))

[Kassia]

I have three adult sons and they live anywhere from three to six hours away.  They all keep in touch regularly, but for one it seems like more of an obligation most of the time and he is more distant, while the other two are much friendlier/chattier.  When he's home with us, he's much friendlier and easier to communicate with.  It's definitely hard and I miss them a lot.  I was just talking with DH last night about accepting the changes in our lives with our sons grown and moved out.  

[MotherGoose]

Speaking from the pov of the child...I was this way for a while but I got over it eventually.

[Halftime Hope]

Speaking from the pov of the child...I was this way for a while but I got over it eventually.

 

Wondering what I can do to speed up the process?  sigh.

 

[Wheres Toto]

What do you mean by they don't have time for you?  If you invite them over for dinner or make plans, do they blow you off?  Are they not willing to make plans?  Do you just not hear from them?

 

My oldest and I are very close but we don't see each other too often.  She's busy with work, friends, school, etc.  We text a few times a week, and I definitely hear from her if she's upset about something - everything from boyfriend drama, friend drama, worried she broke her hand, she's not sure what to do about needing a day off work, how should she answer this question on her grad school application, can I review her essay, etc.   But, we only get together about once a month, if that.  Usually if it's someone's birthday or a holiday.  We just went shopping last week so she could buy her siblings their birthday presents (clothes so they had to be along) and their birthday party was in August.

 

My mom and I are probably the same way.  We talk when one or the other needs something, or has something to discuss but otherwise it could be weeks.  We do try and have dinner a couple times a month, and may go to lunch once a month.

 

ETA:  Dd and my mother live together, about 15 minutes from my house.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Where's Toto?

[bettyandbob]

Hmmm...

It's hard. This is really about redefining your life. It sounds you've done your job launching independent adults. Be proud of this accomplishment. And start thinking of things that interest you. Maybe things you long suppressed.

 

Likely that will begin checking up on you after some time. Give them space. And develop a new you. Your adult children may be astounded at your new exciting adult pursuits.

[momacacia]

My oldest is 12, my baby is 2, and this is exactly why I'm seeking certifications in areas that interest me that I can start working in soon. Of course, chances are good that by the time baby graduates high school I'll have grandkids already and I'll be needed for babysitting and sending food, but I want to have my own life over the next 15 years, too, not just be all wrapped up in them and then, poof, all of a sudden when I'm 62 and baby graduates high school, I have nothing.

Edited October 19, 2017 by momacacia

[katilac]

It's a common phase. Sometimes you have to pull away to find your grown-up self without the expectations and "scripts" that come along with a close family! This isn't always a conscious decision, and it's not a negative thing, just something many young people go through. 

 

Give them space, but also be the person who takes the initiative to get in touch. If they sound happy to hear from you, don't get hung up on it being their turn to call, text, email. 

 

  

[Garga]

Speaking from the pov of the child...I was this way for a while but I got over it eventually.

 

 

Wondering what I can do to speed up the process?  sigh.

 

 

I was that way as a child, too.  Long story short, when I got married at 19 I thought it was normal/expected to ignore everyone else and focus only on my new husband.  I loved my mom and if she contacted me or set up times together I was happy to go.  But it never crossed my mind to be the one to initiate contact.  I didn't even realize I was supposed to.

 

To speed up the process, be the one who initiates contact and don't expect them to do so for a while.  Invite them out to places, invite them home to dinner, call just to chat, send a lot of text messages, etc.  Don't worry if they don't initiate it for a while. 

[Halftime Hope]

Responding to questions from upthread:  I'm three years into a full-time job and have plenty going on in my own life, it's just that I miss them. 

 

Re. what do I mean they don't have time for me:  They live pretty far away: one can only come home (or us go to her) by plane; ds lives closer (3 hours) and finances make it difficult for him to make the trip often. (It'll be three months between times I've seen him.)  Phone calls are further apart than I would like, at a minimum several weeks apart, and I've noticed that DH is trying to make his texts entertaining and tell good stories when we do talk with them; I think on the premise that it will be more fun for them to engage if we are "interesting."  (Ick.)

 

I don't think I'm going to aim for entertaining; I'm more of a listen well and express love and support person.  But I don't think they need that from me anymore. 

 

Rethinking...

 

[Barb_]

It may sound silly, but we all stay connected through grouptext chat.  The teens and 20s and my husband and I share newsblurbs, memes, videos, photos, news, complaints, celebrations--sort of like our own private social media.  I don't talk to any of them nearly enough but it helps us to stay more connected even as we live hundreds of miles apart.

[Melissa in Australia]

It is perfectly normal. Part of the leaving the nest process

 

How much contact did/ do you have with your parents?

[bettyandbob]

Very normal.

 

Going home takes time and money. Coming home every three months seems like a lot to me for a young person early in his career. My brother or SIL will fly to see my niece and keep the visit short. I remember years ago my MIL would fly east to west early in the morning, take SIL to lunch and a movie then get on the red eye back east. She was very much against staying more than a day. She did not want her DD to ever think "now I have to entertain mom." MIL did that trip once or twice a year not more. Now all these years later I think those really short very infrequent trips were really good for their relationship.

 

My kids do not talk on the phone, unless there's a crisis (thankfully haven't had one in a while). I grew up talking on the phone so iiss that kind of communication. We text. I send them short texts of anything. Usually I send a text everyday. Sometimes it's just "how are you", but that doesn't spark much conversation. I'll send links to articles that I think would interest them. If something happens that reminds me of one of them I text a short message. I do not expect a response back. Sometimes I'll get similar random thoughts later. Sometimes we will get in a multi-text exchange.

 

Even if you are working, it sounds like you might need to fill your own interests again, get involved with other people or hobby.

[J-rap]

It's hard, but I think it's pretty normal!  We text and Snapchat throughout our days as a simple and quick way to keep in touch.  My girls are pretty good at keeping in touch;  my ds not as much.  But, I've learned that he appreciates when I reach out to him, so I do.  I try and set up a Skype chat maybe every 3 weeks or so, or at least once/month.  I don't know why he doesn't ever initiate anything himself, but he seems to like that I do, so I do.  :)  I also plan family events every few months.  Of course you probably couldn't do that with your dd since she lives so far away, but maybe with your ds, could you plan to meet half-way now and then, even stay overnight somewhere, plan a camping weekend together, etc?  These are things I try and do.  I'm always the planner though.  I've learned to not take it personally that I'm the main initiator.  They're busy and in a stage where they're figuring out life and being independent.

 

For my dd who lives across the country, I pay for her to come home now and then.  I can usually do it with airline points I collect on credit cards, etc.  I do everything I can to make it easy for my children to come home or come together as a family.  That usually requires me to initiate and pay, which I'll do whenever I can.  But yeah -- I do need to give them their space too, and I do.  And admittedly, sometimes I go through periods where I'm not as good in keeping in touch myself.

 

My dad has always worked hard to push himself into our adult lives -- not all the time, but enough so that we're always connected.  He always initiated it and even though I've rolled my eyes about it every now and then over the years, I'm so, so glad he always did that.  He has done that with everyone -- his kids, his grandkids.  He has left quite an impact on everyone's lives because of his dedication to stay in touch and stay involved.  It taught me a lesson!

 

[Carrie12345]

Mine's only 19 and very busy.  I keep trying to remind myself about how things were when I was 19.  We didn't have all the communication tech that we have now. I touched base with my mom pretty infrequently. (I lived 4 hours away.)  Today, I live more than 12 hours away, and we probably connect with the same (in)frequency, but we have a good relationship.

 

I DO miss my son, but I'm mostly comfortable with it.

[Elizabeth86]

No experience as my kids are young. I will say it is my biggest fear. My kids gone in 20 years, most likely my parents gone. Who will I have left? What on earth will dh and I do? I have always maintained a close relationship with my mom, always. There hasn't been a day to pass thatbwe haven't spoken on the phone. I pray at least one of my kids will be that for me, but the way the world is moving at such a fast pace, I am not counting on it. Sigh.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[marbel]

I'm pretty old, but I remember pulling back from my parents when I was a young adult.  When I moved into my first apartment, I probably went weeks without seeing them. Doubt I called a whole lot, either.  I was enjoying the first flush of independence, living like an adult.  It's kind of like those first weeks/months of being in love, in a way.  I was wrapped up in my new life.

 

And then, life got normal and I started hanging out with Mom and Dad again. There were a couple of periods of time when we didn't live in the same city and/or state and of course then it was different.  If we'd had more than just landline phones and snailmail then, we'd have been in closer touch, most likely.  I sometimes wonder if my mom would have had a facebook account...  :-)  

 

 

[kewb]

What is that saying.....

A mother can take care of 10 children but 10 children can't take care of 1 mother.

 

Our job is to make ourselves obsolete. Unfortunately, the success of this job can sometimes be a bitter pill. I do remember in my newly minted adulthood that I was not the best child. Self centered about my life and how busy and self important I was. I eventually came around. Yours will too.

[Annie G]

We went through that stage...when the kids moved out they were so involved with their own new adventures that we just didn't talk as often. Now things have evened out. I hear from oldest dd daily- snapchats of the grands, texts, etc.  I hear from the middle daughter sporadically but she is closer to dh than to me and he hears from her often.  I think it's just part of growing up. They need to separate and establish their own lives and when they are comfortable, they'll be more in touch. 

 

I hate that our oldest two live so far away and we do make an effort to go see them. Sometimes we have paid their expenses to come see us, but it's easier for me and dh to go see dd than for her to drag four kids 1300 miles to our house. 

 

 

[TravelingChris]

One of my kids lives in town, one is right now living temporarily in our house, and one is is New Zealand.  We see each other, text including groups on our usual text , use Hangout for video chats and some texting with the one in New Zealand, use grouptext for texting and sharing photos with the one in New Zealand.  We communicate with each other pretty frequently.  Oh we are also all on Facebook and communicate through that too.

[nixpix5]

I think this is completely normal behavior as they now have their own lives. How much do you talk to your parents? How much did you talk to and see your parents at that age? The older I got the more I appreciated my family and their contributions in my life. This led to me emailing or calling more.

 

Both of my 20 something boys live about 20 min away but our schedules are very different. Much like Barb, we have group text or chat. I see them about once a week. It is routine for them to swing by and hang out for a bit. On days I don't see them we occasionally text but nothing over the top. I don't expect to see or hear from them all of the time.

 

Do they remember you on special days? Do you get calls on birthdays, holidays, Mother's Day etc? If you text or call do you get a response?

 

Having fun growing up isn't always indicitive of strong bonds later. Interesting enough, some parents spend all of their energy bending over backwards for their children, give them everything and these children are much more likely to distance later. Often times they come back around once they themselves have children. Try not to be too hurt by it. It is quite normal. If they are forgetting you during events or seem checked out when something big is happening, then I would be more concerned. Otherwise, hang in there ;)

[Cosmos]

It may sound silly, but we all stay connected through grouptext chat.  The teens and 20s and my husband and I share newsblurbs, memes, videos, photos, news, complaints, celebrations--sort of like our own private social media.  I don't talk to any of them nearly enough but it helps us to stay more connected even as we live hundreds of miles apart.

 

Not silly, that's an awesome idea!

 

My grandmother for many, many years sent out a weekly letter, typewritten and carbon-copied to her four far-flung children with little handwritten comments and smiley faces added for each recipient. It was a great way to keep in touch with them, when long-distance phone calls were expensive and of course social media was decades away. They treasured those letters. I always thought I would like to do something similar, but electronically is even better. I suspect in our family I would do most of the posting but one-way communication is better than none.

[Guest]

I think that in our society, staying connected to loved ones has to be intentional, and that means that it takes making an effort.

 

My oldest sibling moved out of state when he was 20. When my mom passed away 10 years later, I found out that my bro would call her every Wednesday. I never knew because he called while the rest of us were at school, and dad was at work.

 

My bil and sil always eat Sunday lunch with her parents and sister, and the sister's family. This has been going on for about 40 years. Grown kids, grandkids and great grandkids join in when they can.

 

Now, another sil calls and/ texts her grown daughter multiple times a day.

 

My boys know that I hope for regular contact as they build their lives, but that I won't expect constant contact. Hopefully, at least once a week.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Fifiruth

[Halftime Hope]

Thanks so much for all your input!

[teachermom2834]

I'm going to agree about the group chat. I was the last one in my family to switch to iPhone and when I did I realized I was missing out on the chatter between dh and big kids.

 

I find that there is less pressure in that format. If I text a kid directly (which I still do) they feel compelled to respond asap but not everyone or even anyone needs to respond to a silly picture or a news article in a group chat. To me it feels like a way of reaching out without pressuring anyone for a long conversation. The kids do it too. They will send something if interest and it lets us know they are thinking of us and feel connected even if they are not up for a long conversation.

 

Plus, dh and my kids are dang funny!! Big fan of the family group chat.

[FaithManor]

Dd is 26 with a husband and child and lives in New York State. She does day care for a medically fragile child so that she can be home with her own son, so she is a pretty busy beaver. We talk on the phone, and we try to see each other twice a year. The distance is simply something we have to accept and deal with.

 

2nd eldest is commuting this semester while he gets more PT for his leg. He has a very serious girlfriend, so as you can imagine between school, homework, campus job tutoring, TA work, and the girl, mom and dad don't get a lot out of him, LOL.

 

3rd son is away at college, in the dorms, 17 credit hours, in the rock climbing club, etc. He's a busy guy too, and loving his life. We text a couple of times per week, and talk once in a while. 

 

I am okay with that. I went to college at sixteen - as in lived in dorms in another state - got married three weeks after college graduation, moved out of state with DH and that was before texting, skype, email, facebook, and cheap phone plans so I only talked to my parents once per month for five minutes to keep our phone bill within budget, and saw them once per year either the alternating Christmas or Easter  between my in laws and my parents. Then we lived on the west coast for a while and couldn't afford to come home even once per year, and they couldn't afford to travel to us. So that five minute phone call once a month was it. I college, I talked to my parents once per month because no cell phones and the one and only phone on the dorm floor would let you call out, as in off campus, but you had to call collect which was expensive. I didn't go home at midterms or Thanksgiving because neither break was long enough to be worth the very long drive, and so they saw me at Christmas and Spring Break. I worked the summers in the music department so usually they didn't see me then either. I think these experiences helped me adjust to the change in relationship with my own kids.

 

While I would love to have those super close, spend time with each other relationships with the kids, the reality is that life takes over, and they are adults and need to get on with their own lives. We do keep very private facebook pages - as in the only friends we have are each other, sibs, and their cousins - with settings private, so we do share photos and thoughts once in a while, especially photos of DD's little boy because my grandson is the sweetest, best ever grandbaby! LOL, until another one comes along and then there will be an obvious, unbreakable tie. That said, I do think it is important to their personal growth that I give them space, and not pressure them for frequent conversations and such.

 

 

[Barb_]

I'm going to agree about the group chat. I was the last one in my family to switch to iPhone and when I did I realized I was missing out on the chatter between dh and big kids.

 

I find that there is less pressure in that format. If I text a kid directly (which I still do) they feel compelled to respond asap but not everyone or even anyone needs to respond to a silly picture or a news article in a group chat. To me it feels like a way of reaching out without pressuring anyone for a long conversation. The kids do it too. They will send something if interest and it lets us know they are thinking of us and feel connected even if they are not up for a long conversation.

 

Plus, dh and my kids are dang funny!! Big fan of the family group chat.

Yeah I think it helps us to stay connected at the micro level and is the next best thing to living in the same neighborhood.

[2squared]

Group text isn't just for adult kids. I group txt my clan. The 7yo doesn't keep up yet, but It's been hr at fothe communicating with the older four. Life is busy, and group text helps keep us connected at all ages.

[Χά�ων]

I will not lie and say things are awesome with the step adultren but here is what we are doing to keep the door open.

 

Once a week we are hosting a brunch/lunch/meal family day. Homecooked meal with no expectations that they do anything. It will be mid day so they do not have to wake up before noon or miss out of evening activities. Significant others, casual or other, are invited. Food will be mostly breakfast but will vary to include more traditional evening dinner options.

 

Free homecooked food can be a huge draw for young people just stepping out on their own.

[wendy not in HI]

Group chat is working for us too.  Our two older girls are recently married, and their husbands are also in the group chat.  It's been a fun way to get to know the guys better.  The younger kids at home get to "hang out" with the big kids.  It's fun to see what everyone is up to.  Before the group chat, I would text the girls individually and my dh would feel left out (why doesn't anyone text me??)  now he feels more involved (though I still text the kids individually)(gotta send a text to get a text)

 

My sisters and my parents and I also have a group chat and it can really get going.  I feel like we are all keeping in touch better than we have in years.  Before the group chat we (sisters and parents) would send out emails, but that started to die off over the last few years. Just today we were discussing mice...  

 

 

 

[mom2scouts]

I have three adult children and they all live within an hour drive. They are all busy with work, school, friends, pets, hobbies, relationships and I don't expect them to be around too much. The oldest is married and his wife is the one who encourages him to visit and do stuff with us. I'm always happy when any of them show up unexpectedly and I try to drop what I'm doing to hang out with them for awhile. I still have kids at home, so maybe I'm not at the point of feeling so alone yet, but I love when the older ones visit. I think if I made more of an effort to invite them to do things with me I might see them more often. Maybe you can have a weekly meal with a standing invitation like an old-style Sunday dinner if you want them around more often.

 

ETA: I just saw that they live farther away. In that case, maybe a regular phone call time or, as others have said, chat.

Edited October 19, 2017 by mom2scouts

[MotherGoose]

Wondering what I can do to speed up the process? sigh.

 

Take them to dinner or bring them food. 😂😂

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 23, 2017 by Catheryn

[Starr]

At our house the fastest responses come with texting dc a picture of their cats.

[Hoggirl]

My ds has not launched yet, but he will in June. We have been used to his being far away, since his school is 1,800 miles from home. He will still live that far away after he graduates. In some ways, I think longer distances makes the separation more tolerable. I have friends whose adult children are local, and I think their feelings get hurt more than mine because they *could* come home/stop by/meet for lunch or whatever, but don't. On the other hand, not being local means that you see them less no matter what.

 

We established a weekly phone call/FaceTime when ds started college. Sometimes it feels a bit forced/obligatory, but most of the time, I think he likes it. We do intermittent texting throughout the week. Not a lot. Certainly not every day.

 

Sometimes I think these feelings can fester a bit if parents don't make their wishes known. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying, "I know you are super busy, but I so love being in contact with you and hearing what's going on in your life. Is there any way we could have a regular, weekly phone visit/FaceTime (whatever)? I would really enjoy that! Can you think of a time in your schedule that would work for you?" A set time is nice (ours is Sunday afternoons), but that may not always work. Nevertheless it sets up the expectation of a weekly touching base. If ds has lots going on on a particular Sunday, he will text and ask if Saturday will work. But, he has the knowledge that we want to talk once a week. It's become a habit. As far as actually seeing him once he is out of school, I imagine he will only come to us once a year. I don't expect for him to always use his vacation time to hang out with his parents. We will likely go to him once or twice a year.

 

I think oftentimes people (in general - not directed at OP) would be a lot happier if they would just say what they want.

[goldberry]

I'm going to agree about the group chat. I was the last one in my family to switch to iPhone and when I did I realized I was missing out on the chatter between dh and big kids.

 

Are you just using regular texting or something else?

[Garga]

My ds has not launched yet, but he will in June. We have been used to his being far away, since his school is 1,800 miles from home. He will still live that far away after he graduates. In some ways, I think longer distances makes the separation more tolerable. I have friends whose adult children are local, and I think their feelings get hurt more than mine because they *could* come home/stop by/meet for lunch or whatever, but don't. On the other hand, not being local means that you see them less no matter what.

We established a weekly phone call/FaceTime when ds started college. Sometimes it feels a bit forced/obligatory, but most of the time, I think he likes it. We do intermittent texting throughout the week. Not a lot. Certainly not every day.

Sometimes I think these feelings can fester a bit if parents don't make their wishes known. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying, "I know you are super busy, but I so love being in contact with you and hearing what's going on in your life. Is there any way we could have a regular, weekly phone visit/FaceTime (whatever)? I would really enjoy that! Can you think of a time in your schedule that would work for you?" A set time is nice (ours is Sunday afternoons), but that may not always work. Nevertheless it sets up the expectation of a weekly touching base. If ds has lots going on on a particular Sunday, he will text and ask if Saturday will work. But, he has the knowledge that we want to talk once a week. It's become a habit. As far as actually seeing him once he is out of school, I imagine he will only come to us once a year. I don't expect for him to always use his vacation time to hang out with his parents. We will likely go to him once or twice a year.

I think oftentimes people (in general - not directed at OP) would be a lot happier if they would just say what they want.

 

This is a good point. My ds15 has a job and he's always nice about it when I ask how work was, but he just says, "Fine." Finally I got a little frustrated and said, "But where are the stories?! I'm sure that something funny/frustrating/SOMEthing happens at work. Talk to me about what happens at work!" He looked thoughtful and now every few times he comes home from work, he will tell me what happens there--the things that frustrate him about the job, the funny thing a co-worker did, etc.

 

He's a quiet kid and doesn't talk much, so he just needed some direction as to how to have a conversation about work.

 

I fully expect that when he's out of my house he'll totally forget to contact me. I anticipate having to say, "Text me every couple of days and call me once a month," or whatever. And I'm pretty sure he'll be happy to do so, but it won't be something he thinks of on his own.

Edited October 20, 2017 by Garga

[teachermom2834]

Are you just using regular texting or something else?

We are all on iPhones so I guess it is iMessaging. My dh kept telling me to switch from my Android so I could have it and I never really understood what the difference was between that and a group text but it is smoother than a group text. Also one of my kids' phones doesn't handle group texts from Androids well for some reason.

[Laurie4b]

I am close to the same phase. One ds lives overseas and because that is where his wife is from, that is permanent. I continue to grieve that deeply because finances prevent many overseas flights and when the grandchildren come.... :(   3 are in college within an easy drive and we see them often... for now. One looks like he'll get a job offer about 7-8 hour drive away. Since we already drive 8 hours one way to care for aging parents, that will be difficult to do often. 

 

From my own experience: I deliberately chose a college pretty far from home (about 7-8 hours) because our family situation was stressful. Parents are divorced. Father lives near where I grew up. Mother lives 6 hours in the opposite direction starting at our home. In -laws live 1 1/2 hours from my father. My father was the only parent who made a regular effort to visit us. They would drive down 2-3 times per year. We drove up 3 times per year. So we saw them every 2-3 months. The others we saw 3 times a year. Their choice as they didn't extend themselves to visit. It made a difference. My dad, however, was the one who made me feel guilty that I didn't live nearby. That made a difference, too, in another direction, though I now totally understand it. 

 

So from my own experience, what we are doing: 

 

I am working hard to learn the language of my ds's new residence. I want to be able to understand my grandkids when they are little and even though they will be brought up bilingual, children in that situation tend to understand both languages, but speak the one of the culture they are in. There are some medical reasons why flying is not a great idea for me plus it is horribly expensive. We Skype pretty often. We will contribute to their travel fund. They do make an effort to visit. 

 

With our other kids, we will do as my dad did and inasmuch as we are able, we will travel on a regular basis and for any important events. We will initiate phone calls, but will try really hard to avoid anything that induces guilt. It makes people withdraw. 

 

When our kids all settle somewhere, if no one is around here, or if the ones around here aren't particularly solicitous of our well-being, we will move to be near the kid or kids who want to be there for us when we age. One son and his fiance have already told us they have plans for us to live with them. (Don't know that it will be that option, but they would be leading contender for who we'd move to be near!)  It is really hard being a long-distance care-giver.  So we'll be the ones to move. Nothing will really hold us to this area if our kids aren't here anyway. 

 

 

 

[katilac]

They live pretty far away: one can only come home (or us go to her) by plane; ds lives closer (3 hours) and finances make it difficult for him to make the trip often. 

 

His finances, I assume? If yours are in better shape, there are a few things you can do to make it easier. 

 

Make sure you go to him sometimes - finances aside, I still find it annoying when dh & I are the ones who are always expected to make the trip, lol. If you can stay in a hotel, all the better. It can be a fun long weekend for you and your dh, with the bonus of seeing ds. 

 

Wherever you stay, it will work out better in the long run if you make it clear that he doesn't have to cancel all plans and spend all his time with you. A bunch of it, sure, but not all of it. I'm much, MUCH older than he is, and it stresses me out when we have company that wants to be with us every. single. minute. 

 

When he comes to you, can you fill his tank with gas for the trip home? Or just hand him a pre-loaded gas card. Send him home with a few household supplies, that sort of thing. It comes across as more of a "mom/dad" thing than just handing over cash, lol. 

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited October 23, 2017 by Catheryn