Janie Grace Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I have always thought that spouses should not keep things from one another. But now that my dd is 18, I can imagine their might be things she shares with me that she doesn't want me to share with dh (perhaps certain relationship details for example). Would you feel comfortable having some things that are just between a mom and daughter or do you have a hard-and-fast "don't ever ask me to keep anything from my dh" rule? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 There are a lot of things that I don't volunteer to my dh. I'm not keeping anything from him but he really doesn't care about things like my period or things like my daughter's. As far as information from other adult kids, I would just ask "do you want me to keep this just between us or do you care if I say something to Dad if it comes up"? There are things that my ds20 tells me that I don't tell my dh but while they are important to Ds, they aren't the types of things that Dh could relate to so I don't share them. My kids do know that if something is life threatening or life changing that I will discuss those things with my dh because as a parent he has a right to know, in my opinion. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 There are a lot of things that I don't volunteer to my dh. I'm not keeping anything from him but he really doesn't care about things like my period or things like my daughter's. As far as information from other adult kids, I would just ask "do you want me to keep this just between us or do you care if I say something to Dad if it comes up"? There are things that my ds20 tells me that I don't tell my dh but while they are important to Ds, they aren't the types of things that Dh could relate to so I don't share them. My kids do know that if something is life threatening or life changing that I will discuss those things with my dh because as a parent he has a right to know, in my opinion. Yup. If dh asks I don't lie about it. Should I be uncomfortable in discussing something, I may say "This is xyz's story to tell. Ask her / him directly." It has never come up in our home. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 DH grew up in a family where there weren't very good boundaries about this sort of stuff and it has caused issues when he gets nosy about things that are not any of his business. Sorry, but female health issues are private and I am not going to discuss them with DH nor will I allow him to question our daughters about them. Ditto for DS' male health issues. That's a dad/son thing not something mom should be involved with. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Yes I would be fine with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 There are a lot of things that I don't volunteer to my dh. I'm not keeping anything from him but he really doesn't care about things like my period or things like my daughter's. As far as information from other adult kids, I would just ask "do you want me to keep this just between us or do you care if I say something to Dad if it comes up"? There are things that my ds20 tells me that I don't tell my dh but while they are important to Ds, they aren't the types of things that Dh could relate to so I don't share them. My kids do know that if something is life threatening or life changing that I will discuss those things with my dh because as a parent he has a right to know, in my opinion. This is pretty much my balance as well with my older kids (now 18 and 22). At some point, I expect the disclosure with my daughter in particular will evolve toward the model I have with my female friends, which is their stories are *theirs,* not mine, to tell anyone else including my husband... at this point though we're still in a hybrid zone somewhere a little beyond the child-(co)parent model but not yet the adult-other adult model. Like Jean I absolutely would confer with my husband about any life- or welfare-threatening concern. Most of what my older kids share with me comes nowhere near that zone though... just stuff that is either private or just not my husband's cuppa. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 My situation may be a little different since dh is not my oldest daughters father. Things like doctor's appointments or medical expenses did get discussed because she was on dh's insurance and we would be paying co-pays, etc. If she needed me to take her to an appointment, dh might stay home from work to watch the younger kids. But, things she might share about her friends, boyfriends, etc. I didn't usually bother sharing. Dh didn't really care to know. I definitely don't share anything she tells me about what's up with her dad. Dh definitely doesn't care to know those details. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 This is one of the bigger areas of conflict that dh and I have had over parenting a young adult. IMO, it’s her job to communicate with each of us and I pretty much refuse to triangulate myself between the 2 of them. It goes bad whenever I do. So now when she shares something I ask, “Will you be telling your dad about this?†5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 (edited) I'm in disagreement with the basic sentiment that, "Spouses should not keep things from one another." I think it's perfectly normal to keep plenty of information about myself and my friends private. I have my own business because I'm a person, not just a member of a couple. Most of this is information simply private because it's irrelevant to my spouse, but some of it is relevant to his life... and it's still private because it's personal. I wouldn't keep anything from him that felt like a secret, or if I think that it would be unfair for him to carry on with his life not knowing... I share the things that matter and the things that make sense; I'm just trying to say I don't believe I have an obligation to never keep anything from him. Therefore, to me, it's not even an issue with two sides. It would never occur to me to share an adult child's personal issues with her dad: unless she told me that she wanted me to do so. I just routinely keep that sort of thing from him. (I would share with him if it was something 'heavy' that I needed his support through, or if it was something 'any parent has a right to know'. By that I mean that if I learned it from a young acquaintance I would be calling his/her parents.) Edited October 18, 2017 by bolt. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 (edited) nm Edited October 23, 2017 by Catheryn 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Our kids are all grown. I ask them, or they just tell me, if what they're telling me is something I can share with dh. This is all kind of new for us, so we're still working out the kinks. And I have brought up stuff when a dc was on speaker with me and dh, only to have dh say 'As your father, I definitely didn't need to hear THAT.' lol .... still working out the kinks. :lol: Oh my goodness. When my 22 yo calls me and I'm on speaker -- which generally means I'm driving -- the FIRST THING I SAY, really fast, after "hello" is "I'm-on-speaker-sweetie-and-Daddy-is-with-me" before she blurts out as is her wont some boyfriend drama he does not want to know. Really he doesn't, we all know it. One time she paused, then said: OK, I'll call you back after you get home... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixpix5 Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 I have a different relationship with our older boys then my DH does by virtue of me being a very relational person. Our boys have always come to me to talk about relationship issues, friendship issues and so forth. As kids I would it was known that I would share with their dad if I felt it was relevant and a need to know. As adults I often have conversations I don't necessarily share. If it is something big I just ask "hey do you mind if I share this with dad or do you prefer to wait/share yourself/etc" I cannot think of an instance where they asked me not to reveal something but I do respect that boundary a great deal. They are entitled to divulge their personal life and experiences with who they choose. I worked years at cultivating a strong bond and good communication skills with my children so I could reap the benefits of strong adult relationships. That is a personal and purposeful choice. It is an earned relationship and I don't necessarily think just because one is a parent they are entitled to information once our children become adults. My DD isn't an adult yet but I imagine some things are also more comfortable for girls to discuss with a same gender parent on average so there is that piece of it too. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Once my children are adults their information is their information. It is not my place to share their information unless they are OK with it. If there were something that I thought was important for their safety or welfare and I thought that DH having that information could help the situation, then I would share the information. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopskipjump Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 (edited) nm Edited October 19, 2017 by hopskipjump Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 If someone asked me to keep my mouth shut, then I keep my mouth shut. It doesn't matter who asks me, for for what reason, or who wants me to share. If someone asks you to keep a confidence and you cannot, then you should tell them up front so that they have the option to not disclose. I have always thought that spouses should not keep things from one another. But now that my dd is 18, I can imagine their might be things she shares with me that she doesn't want me to share with dh (perhaps certain relationship details for example). Would you feel comfortable having some things that are just between a mom and daughter or do you have a hard-and-fast "don't ever ask me to keep anything from my dh" rule? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 (edited) I don't see not telling someone else's business to dh as keeping things from him. That counts even if the someone else is his own adult child. Said child is an adult and has a right to ask for confidentiality. The quickest way to get your child to stop confiding in you is to not keep those confidences. I would also expect dh to keep such a confidence should ds confide in him. Edited October 19, 2017 by Lady Florida. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 :lol: Oh my goodness. When my 22 yo calls me and I'm on speaker -- which generally means I'm driving -- the FIRST THING I SAY, really fast, after "hello" is "I'm-on-speaker-sweetie-and-Daddy-is-with-me" before she blurts out as is her wont some boyfriend drama he does not want to know. Really he doesn't, we all know it. One time she paused, then said: OK, I'll call you back after you get home... Reminds me of a movie that had one great scene. Burt Reynolds was the dad and the teen daughter was crying to the mom because she'd offered sex to the captain of the hockey team and he'd said no. Dad comes in and wants to know, mom says you don't want to know, dad says he does (repeat a few times), mom says, "If you don't leave this second, I swear, I will tell you!" Dad's eyes get big and he leaves the room. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 My policy is if they say it's between us it's between us. If I felt for some reason I couldn't do that I would tell the adult child. Adult is the key word. Treat them as an adult. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 FIrst of all, dh and I have little enough time to talk that I can't see doing it for practical reasons anyway. But for the more important philosophical reasons, if they wanted me to not tell Dad for some reason, I would not and if I felt I had to- as in a serious health concern- I would tell them I was going to do that. But like others said before, my kids talk about other kinds of things with me than with their father and mostly it isn't anything secret at all- it just isn't stuff either he is interested in, has time to discuss, or are just things they know I would like to talk about or have greater knowledge about. My dh certainly does not want to discuss private female matters. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 I would keep confidence over most things. If it bothered me, I would tell the child so and encourage them to tell DH or ask to be allowed to tell him. That's with an adult. DD I have a standing policy that if she tells me something, I may discuss it with DH. She usually says it's fine as long as DH doesn't try to talk to her about it (whatever it is). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 My husband and I don’t share everything people confide in us. It doesn’t have anything to do with our marriage and it’s not my information to share. However, with our children, it really is based on what the information is, does my husband feel excluded, is my child being fair in keeping the information from that parent. But in general we both have conversations with our kids that both parents don’t need to be in the loop. Some things my son may feel comfortable just discussing with his dad (or maybe just me), and that’s totally fine with me. Or if my daughter just needed to talk with me privately, my husband wouldn’t think twice about it. If there was a real problem, of course, we would spill the beans... but just general conversations, it’s great that our kids can choose who to go too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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