How much does a future spouse need to know about his/her fiancée's past?

[extendedforecast]

Should the following be mandatory to disclose:

 

Past relationships

Number of sexual partners

Details about sexual experiences (how many times total, positions, places, protection used, one night stands, etc.)

Sexual abuse in the past

 

What is okay to keep to oneself?

 

Thanks in advance for answering. I will explain my questions later.

[Guest]

This probably varies by person, but personally I wouldn't disclose any of that. I don't think any of it is "mandatory" to disclose. The only thing I'd disclose is if I had a sexually transmitted disease.

[creekland]

I kinda feel that sort of info is for each couple to decide for themselves.  If they want to know more about each other, they should talk about it.  If they're ok with "the past is the past," they can agree to that.  I don't see at all why there has to be a "one size fits all" answer.

[Guest]

I kinda feel that sort of info is for each couple to decide for themselves. If they want to know more about each other, they should talk about it. If they're ok with "the past is the past," they can agree to that. I don't see at all why there has to be a "one size fits all" answer.

Agree

[Alte Veste Academy]

I never would have married anyone who couldn't be frank and trust me with all of that information (ETA minus positions/places).

 

Mandatory? I don't know about that. But marriage should be an open book, in my opinion. I wouldn't be comfortable with anything less than total honesty if asked.

Edited October 17, 2017 by Alte Veste Academy

[Crimson Wife]

Anything that could come back to haunt the couple after marriage. I know somebody who got married without disclosing to his wife that he'd had a child out-of-wedlock with a past fling. The woman declined child support in exchange for him never contacting her or the child. But what if she ever changed her mind and went after him for back support?

 

The weird thing was is that friends of his knew about the situation and encouraged the guy to be honest with his wife, but they agreed to keep his past a secret. His BFF (a relative of mine) disclosed it to me in confidence as he was conflicted over being asked to keep the secret. I hardly knew the clueless wife at all and didn't know the secret-keeping husband well enough to get involved.

 

I don't think spouses need to disclose information that doesn't really change anything, but a big secret like a child should absolutely be disclosed.

[ErinE]

Along with current STD status, I might add abuse, but I wouldn't want to say it's mandatory. Like creekside said, there's no one size fits all answer.

[FaithManor]

I don't think there is necessarily a "should" except for STD.

 

But, I think there is wise, and it is wise too disclose things from the past that have a very real possibility of intruding on the future. Convictions, probation, parole, situations that have caused serious PTSD that requires treatment which may extend into the marriage, bankruptcies.

 

These things can turn a marriage inside out when they are bomb shell revealed after the wagons are hitched. I just consider it the respectful thing to do for the significant other. However, the reality is that every couple has to determined their level of comfort for themselves. STD though is not negotiable because no one should play fast and loose with another person's health and even life itself.

[Rosie_0801]

Past sexual abuse seems necessary too. Can't work around triggers if you don't know what they are.

[SparklyUnicorn]

None of that.  A heads up about abuse might be good because that might complicate things. 

 

 

[ErinE]

 

I don't think spouses need to disclose information that doesn't really change anything, but a big secret like a child should absolutely be disclosed.

 

I forgot about a child. Yes, that should be disclosed. Someone close to me had a SO with a child (which was disclosed when the relationship grew serious). Same situation: declined child support, not part of child's life, but the child discovered old photos and realized the other biological parent existed. The child came back into the SO's life. Things were hard enough for everyone without the added hurt of hidden secrets.

[HomeAgain]

When the word "mandatory" is thrown around, I retreat into the freedoms and rights I currently possess and fight against the idea.

[SparklyUnicorn]

To add...this is with the assumption I've already had an intimate relationship with the person prior to marriage.  So that renders a lot of that pointless doesn't it?  Maybe it's different if the couple has not been intimate prior to marriage.

 

 

[Annie G]

Agreeing with the other posters that it's for each couple to decide, and that some of that is unnecessary to know in order to have a healthy marriage.   But some people have hangups and it might be a deal breaker, for instance, if the person thinks the fiancee is a virgin but she is not. Other people might find it a deal breaker if there has been any homosexual activity.  If that's the case, the girl might be better off being honest because if that's a deal breaker better to know now. 

 

Sexual abuse - well, that might be tricky. If the person who was abused is traumatized and cannot have a healthy relationship, I guess the prospective spouse might need to know now. But I would hope therapy could help the person who had been abused. 

 

I would be wary of a fiancé who is demanding answers to these questions without any basis to think former relationships will impact the marriage.  Nobody should feel pressured to reveal info that makes them uncomfortable. 

 

Having said all that, dh and I did not talk through all of these questions prior to marriage but over the years (decades!) we have. 

[extendedforecast]

So what if one person wants to know all the gory details, but the other wants to keep it to him/herself. Is the person obligated to divulge? This is assuming no STDs or anything that would put the other partner's health in jeopardy.

Edited October 17, 2017 by extendedforecast

[SparklyUnicorn]

So what if one person wants to know all the gory details, but the other wants to keep it to his/herself. Is the person obligated to divulge?

 

Nobody is obligated to divulge.

 

I would find it quite odd for anyone to insist.  If that is a deal breaker then so be it.  Better to find out the person is a controlling twit prior to marrying them. 

 

Harsh, but yes I do find this to be controlling.

[J-rap]

Of course a child or STD needs to be brought up, and anything else that would really impinge on the relationship (such as sexual abuse), but other than that, I guess it depends on the couple.  For my dh and me, our past didn't matter.  I never expected my dh to "confess" his past nor did he expect me to do so.  On the other hand, if any of us ever wanted to know anything, the other would have given an honest answer.  It wasn't important to either of us.  

 

 

[displace]

I think a couple should disclose what they feel is important and what they want to know about. Partner A wants to disclose X, partner B wants to know Y. If your partner wants to know something you do not want to disclose... idk. I think anything can be a potential landmine if it's not disclosed if a person directly asked about it.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I'm intrigued by the discussion, mostly because I don't see these things personally as issues for interrogation or something people should have to insist on knowing. It is just stuff that is mutually discussed throughout the relationship.

[creekland]

So what if one person wants to know all the gory details, but the other wants to keep it to him/herself. Is the person obligated to divulge? This is assuming no STDs or anything that would put the other partner's health in jeopardy.

 

They would still have to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

 

I don't think lying ever helps a relationship (esp long term), but one person can be free to say "my past is mine" if they want to and the other can decide if they're ok with that or not.  If not, it's better to know early rather than later.

 

Marriage partners have to learn to set their lives for themselves.  We all have things we want to share and things we don't, but the things my hubby and I share don't have to be what someone else's partnership shares.

[chocolatechip]

I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying someone that I couldn't discuss and be honest with about #1, 2, and 4. 

 

The only aspect of #3 I'd feel relevant would be whether past partners were serious relationships vs. flings, etc. All that other detail? No thank you x1000. 

[Lady Florida.]

It's up to the couple. I don't think anything should be mandatory but STD disclosure is a good idea especially if there's a chance it could return/flare up. Sexual abuse is also a good idea because it can help the non-abused spouse understand any problems the abused one might have in the bedroom. 

 

Previous marriage(s) should be disclosed in case any legal issue comes up but past relationships are in the past.

 

I agree with Sparkly that much of that sounds controlling, especially when you get into number of times, positions, etc. Why would someone need to know that stuff?

 

All of the above is *should* or *good idea* but not mandatory. A couple needs to decide if these things are important. If one insists on disclosure and the other doesn't want to for whatever reason (maybe even just on principle) it's time for both to move on and find someone with the same belief about those things.

 

Edited October 17, 2017 by Lady Florida.

[hjffkj]

So what if one person wants to know all the gory details, but the other wants to keep it to him/herself. Is the person obligated to divulge? This is assuming no STDs or anything that would put the other partner's health in jeopardy.

 

 

Of course they aren't obligated to tell.  But for me personally, if my dh had not been comfortable discussing some of those things with me when we were dating I would not have married him.  Needing to know positions is creepy and not important.  Knowing how many previous partners one had is important to me.  Because honestly, if he had said hundreds or even dozens I would have likely walked away. Not because I would think any less of him but because it would show that him and I have way different views on sex and relationships.

 

I'd also walk away from a relationship from someone who was pushing me to divulge more info than I was comfortable sharing.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

No one owes anyone their sexual history.

A future partner can ask, and certainly can demand STD testing for their own safety.

 

It is common to share past experiences positive and negative, but no one should be obligated to share if they don't want to.

 

 

ETA

 

I'm not sure it's fair or respectful to past relationships to always divulge the gory details.

Edited October 17, 2017 by PinkyandtheBrains.

[Catwoman]

So what if one person wants to know all the gory details, but the other wants to keep it to him/herself. Is the person obligated to divulge? This is assuming no STDs or anything that would put the other partner's health in jeopardy.

No, but if the information is that important to them, the person who's asking might want to consider the idea that maybe this particular person isn't really the best match for them.

 

If one person needs total disclosure about every little thing and the other person needs to maintain some semblance of privacy, that could lead to serious problems in the future. Neither person would be wrong for feeling the way they do, but it could definitely mean they aren't all that compatible.

 

I'd love to know the story behind this question! :)

[katilac]

 how many times total 

 

We're supposed to be counting? 

[katilac]

I agree with creekland; barring kids and STDs, each couple needs to decide for themselves. 

 

Disclosing past sexual abuse can be a good idea, but past abuse does not always equal current triggers, and if a partner did not disclose, I would not resent it (assuming I found out later). 

[Guest]

I'm not sure it's fair or respectful to past relationships to always divulge the gory details.

This is a very good point.

[AimeeM]

Mandatory to divulge? Nothing, ever, obviously.

However, that doesn't mean that the person who wants to know is obligated to be okay with it and go through with a marriage.

 

I'm not sure that I would be comfortable with less than full disclosure regarding past sexual history, marriages, etc. I don't need the details, but I want to know the general.

[Renthead Mommy]

None of it should be MANDATORY, except for current/contagious STD's.  Not cured ones.  But I think it's all a  good idea.

 

Okay, yes, "I used to be a Dude" type statements probably does fall under the mandatory discloser. But the rest is just probably a good idea to discuss.  Excpet for that one. 

 

Past relationships - if you've never had one, it is probably a good idea to state, especially if the other person has had multiple, because then you are coming into this one with vastly different ideas.

 

Number of sexual partners -  again, good to discuss because you could be coming in with vastly differnt ideas.

Details about sexual experiences (how many times total, positions, places, protection used, one night stands, etc.) beyond STD's?  No. 

Sexual abuse in the past - I think it's probably in a victim's best interst to discuss, at least to some extent with a partner.

 

 

 

[Joker]

I have no idea how many partners my dh of the past 20 years had before me. It's just not something I care about. He's never asked me about mine either.

 

We both know the other has had past relationships but none of them were worth talking about in any great detail.

 

We both had been victims of sexual abuse as children and we shared that with each other when we became serious.

 

We met and married when I was 21 and he was 25 so maybe part of the reason neither of us cared for details of past relationships is that there just weren't that many.

[Murphy101]

I think some of those are unnecessarily detailed. Yikes.

 

But since I have children, I’d be a lot more wary when dating. Anyone I was starting to feel serious about? I’d totally want as extensive a background check and credit check as possible.

 

Just heard too many horror stories over the years. When it’s just me, that’s different, but with the kids I’m a lot less risk taking. And I would probably think there’s just know way I’m going to get as lucky the second time as I have been this time.

[Seasider]

I kinda feel that sort of info is for each couple to decide for themselves. If they want to know more about each other, they should talk about it. If they're ok with "the past is the past," they can agree to that. I don't see at all why there has to be a "one size fits all" answer.

This, with the exception that a transmittable STD should certainly be disclosed at an appropriate opportunity earlier on in the relationship.

[Bluegoat]

Well, people don't have to say anything except for stuff like current STDs that they might pass on - not mentioning that might actually be a legal issue.

 

But mandatory in the sense of - something you really ought to do?  I agree with the general sense of things that would concretely affect the marriage - a child, but also things that weren't mentioned like debt, a previous marriage, infertility, and so on.

 

As for the other stuff - I think it will depend.  Probably a lot of it isn't absolutely necessary, but it might be important or one person might feel strongly about it.  It's important to be able to discuss such things if it's going to be an issue.  You should feel able to let the person know what kind of person you are now, and have been.  It's also important to be respectful of your spouses privacy.

 

I'll differ with a few and say I don't see sexual abuse as particularly important unless it's going to have some concrete issue attached to it in the present.

[Wheres Toto]

This probably varies by person, but personally I wouldn't disclose any of that. I don't think any of it is "mandatory" to disclose. The only thing I'd disclose is if I had a sexually transmitted disease.

 

:iagree:  Yep.  Unless there's something that could be a health hazard to the other person, or maybe if we were talking marriage, something that affected my long-term or reproductive health.  But otherwise, nope.

[Wheres Toto]

I have no idea how many past relationships dh had and he doesn't know mine either.  I know he had two that were serious and were engagements or close to engagement.  He obviously knows I was married before.  I also know he didn't date for quite a long time before we got together.   But, he was single until we got married when he was 48 years old and spent his early 20's touring with rock bands.  I'm not sure we have time to go into all those details.   :001_rolleyes:

 

When I was single between ex and dh, I did make sure to disclose very early on that I had a child, was divorced, and had an ex that I shared custody with.  I thought that was important information to share before things went too far. 

[Heatherwith4]

Dh and I discussed most of that stuff just in natural conversations. Not sure it was mandatory, though.

 

We did not discuss positions or number of times, though. Not really sure why anyone would want to talk about that stuff. :lol:

[Laurie4b]

Should the following be mandatory to disclose:

 

Past relationships

Number of sexual partners

Details about sexual experiences (how many times total, positions, places, protection used, one night stands, etc.)

Sexual abuse in the past

 

What is okay to keep to oneself?

 

Thanks in advance for answering. I will explain my questions later.

 

I think it's important that the future spouse know the general past of the person they are marrying. (ie They should know if they are marrying a former wild child , a virgin, or someone with a few previous sexual partners. They should know of prior children. Prior addictions. ) Nothing that they hear in the future should come as a huge surprise to them. 

 

However, sharing details of sexual encounters is unwise to the extreme. The only purpose it can serve is to promote jealousy and insecurity in the partner and the only reason a partner would be asking is out of jealousy and/or insecurity. If jealousy, I would run the other way. If insecurity, I would refuse to answer and reiterate my love and commitment to that person. 

[solascriptura]

Number of partners and STD status. A friend of mine was livid when her husband gave her an STD. She had no clue and had never asked if he had one. She trusted him and her gave her an STD. Sigh.

[maize]

Anything that is likely to significantly impact the relationship.

 

One that I have seen be a major source of problems and a near divorce for a recently married couple is an ongoing pornography habit. The wife was unaware and it was causing major problems in the marriage.

 

Husband eventually got porn addiction treatment and counseling and things have improved significantly.

Edited October 17, 2017 by maize

[rocassie]

When DH and I were dating, I made it very clear that I would not even consider moving our relationship to physical intimacy until he had an STD panel (I had no previous experience as well as having annual physicals that already ran tests)and showed it to me.  It wasn't said as an ultimatum but rather in a coversation we discussing about my not wanting to move to fast into the physical realm.  A couple months later he showed me his tests results.  It was still quite a long time before our relationship moved into that realm, but I was not going to sacrifice my health or potential future fertility.  One can be a carrier and pass on an STD without ever being aware of it. 

 

Having past partners, not the specifics, was something that I felt was imperative to know because it does relate to potentional STD's and possible unknown children, but I expected that would be something discovered during the dating process.  I would not be compatible with a partner that was not open to discussing such matters. 

 

Sexual abuse was something I wanted to inform my partner.  I didn't know how it would affect my inimate relationships or even what, if any triggers, I had because I hadn't had any inimate partners before my DH.  I knew it may affect that aspect of a relationship.  This was something I didn't share right away, but more so when dating started to turn more serious.  Plus, my father was in prison for the abuse so it kind of comes up when asked about your dad.

 

Granted I always took a long time to "get to know" someone which is why my DH is my one and only.  I generally learned past boyfriends were not for me (as an inimate partner as I am still friends with one or two of them) before we were physically intimate.

 

It's a good idea to share items in your relationship which may directly affect the other person.  Demanding to share the nitty, gritty would have made me run the other way and it is something I don't wish to know.  Although I would be willing to listen to as much as my partner wanted to share.

[matrips]

Diseases, children and previous marriages should be disclosed imo. The rest, no.

[Elizabeth86]

I don't know. As a young woman I wanted to know EVERYTHING about dh. Mainly it was a jealousy thing. As a 30 something I feel if I were starting over on a relationship I wouldn't ask as many questions, but I would hope my partner would be open about anything I did want to know.

[Lawyer&Mom]

There is nothing I wouldn't tell Dh if he asked. But thank goodness there are certain things he doesn't want to know!

[extendedforecast]

Thank you. As I suspected, I agree with your answers. My friend's daughter confided in me and her mom about her fiancée and his excessive questioning. I felt like anything beyond number of partners, any STDs, and general information is good enough to share. Her mom didn't see anything wrong with the types of questions. I wanted to see if you all agreed with me or my friend. The girl is now rethinking being engaged to this guy.

[Scarlett]

Thank you. As I suspected, I agree with your answers. My friend's daughter confided in me and her mom about her fiancée and his excessive questioning. I felt like anything beyond number of partners, any STDs, and general information is good enough to share. Her mom didn't see anything wrong with the types of questions. I wanted to see if you all agreed with me or my friend. The girl is now rethinking being engaged to this guy.

 

 

Yes I think it is a huge red flag.  

[scholastica]

Thank you. As I suspected, I agree with your answers. My friend's daughter confided in me and her mom about her fiancée and his excessive questioning. I felt like anything beyond number of partners, any STDs, and general information is good enough to share. Her mom didn't see anything wrong with the types of questions. I wanted to see if you all agreed with me or my friend. The girl is now rethinking being engaged to this guy.

She should seriously rethink this engagement. Huge red flag.

[Crimson Wife]

Thank you. As I suspected, I agree with your answers. My friend's daughter confided in me and her mom about her fiancée and his excessive questioning. I felt like anything beyond number of partners, any STDs, and general information is good enough to share. Her mom didn't see anything wrong with the types of questions. I wanted to see if you all agreed with me or my friend. The girl is now rethinking being engaged to this guy.

 

I can see where someone might view certain types of behavior as "dealbreakers" and ask about them before deciding whether he/she wants to marry the individual. But if the other person were not comfortable answering the questions, then the couple probably isn't a good match in the first place.

 

DH would not have become involved with me had I ever been promiscuous. He asked me the night we met whether I was a virgin and I refused to answer even though I was because I thought it was too personal a question for a virtual stranger to ask. He assumed that my refusal meant the answer was "no" and he still took me out on a date. I'm not sure how many previous partners would've been "too many" since it was a moot point for me, but I know there definitely would've been some line to cross from "everyone makes mistakes" to "she's got bad judgment".

[Ottakee]

Porn use

[BlsdMama]

I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying someone that I couldn't discuss and be honest with about #1, 2, and 4. 

 

The only aspect of #3 I'd feel relevant would be whether past partners were serious relationships vs. flings, etc. All that other detail? No thank you x1000. 

 

 

I fail to see why that would be a relevant detail.

 

Um, no on the necessity to divulge but yes on staying honest.  But honest doesn't mean sharing things you are uncomfortable with sharing.  That isn't lying, that's having done something you aren't proud of.

 

And as far as abuse as a child?

 

No.  Just no.  

 

You figure  you might have been dating what?  1 year?  2 years?   4 years maybe?  

 

As someone who experienced two separate "episodes" by two different people as a young child, it took me about 8-10 years to even mention the barest HINTS of what had happened.  Someone who insists that should be divulged doesn't understand the shame of abuse.