Following Jane's lead, Who will care for you when you are fragile/elderly?

[FaithManor]

My mom's situation has been a wreck for me emotionally and at times physically, truly awful. I am alone dealing with it, only forty nine, and it is taking a toll.

 

So I have made the decision that I will not place my children in this role. If we do not have enough money to pay for assisted living or our money runs out after moving into that level of care, or if we sense that things are getting stressful for our kids, I at least - not certain about Dh - will take matters into my own hands. I have no desire to live in a physically, fragile state, draining the resources of people around me. I want to enjoy my grandkids and then expire. My end of life decision making will revolve around that ideal. I do not need to live to be really old unless that is a very good, really old like my own grandma who was changing great grand kid diapers at 85 and traveling alone, working in her gardens, taking food to "old people"...that one was a funny one because she had no idea it seemed that she too was old! She was a great lady!

 

Once it starts going down hill, I am ready to let go.

[Pawz4me]

I hope to have enough funds and insurance to be able to afford quality long term care (if needed) so as not to be a burden on the boys other than administratively. I'd like to think if that didn't pan out that I'd have the courage to take matters into my own hands. But I don't know that I'd be able to. Nor do I automatically assume that path would be the kindest/easiest thing as far as the boys are concerned.

[Guest]

I will likely be terminal before elderly. I plan to move to a state that allows assisted suicide rather than drag out death with hospital or morphine/hospice. At that point I will be happy to help some researcher experiment with new drugs, but not to pay hundreds of thousands to be a data point in a study.

Edited October 17, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[Guest]

Well, I have six sons, sooo... I'm expecting my six daughters-in-law to do it. (Lol j/k... sorta)

Edited October 17, 2017 by Kinsa

[creekland]

I have no plans to get fragile.  As long as I'm content with my quality of life, I plan to keep on living.  When that ends, life ends.  It could be 51 (next year).  It could be 111.  Who knows?  (It will surprise me if it's later than mid 50s or possibly 60 though - too many progressive health things.)

 

We're already at the point where hubby and I help each other remember things.   :lol:   We'll help each other with other stuff too, as needed, but I've seen my MIL with Alzheimers and my grandmother with her body letting her down.  I don't plan to reach either stage.

[regentrude]

I am with you, FaithManor.

Judging from my female ancestors' genes, I have a good chance to live another forty years. I hope that by this time society has evolved and allows humans to die with dignity. If not, I would like to move to a state that would give me the right to decide about the end of my own life.

Under no circumstances do I wish to vegetate in a nursing home and be a burden on my family. I want quality of life, not quantity.

 

ETA: I would like to live near my children and see my grandchildren grow up, if there should be any. I would love to be part of their lives as an old person and would have no trouble accepting a little bit of help. But I do not wish to be dependent.

My grandmother lived with us, was healthy and alert until she was 93, got ill and died after three days illness in her own bed. I wish I could be blessed with an end like this. My other grandmother lived alone until she was 91, had some health trouble, but was still independent except for a little bit of help; she died at home, with my parents by her side. 

My MIL spent the last years of her life in a bed in a nursing home, with Alzheimers and MS so severe that she could not be cared for at home, even with help. That sounds hell on earth to me.

 

Edited October 17, 2017 by regentrude

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree Faith.  I don't want to make anyone have to suffer taking care of me.  I agree on the quality not quantity thing.  Wholeheartedly.  It was painful to lose my mother at 49, but she suffered for pretty much 49 years so it was enough.  They offered her more treatment, but she opted against it.  I completely understood. 

 

 

 

 

 

[SamanthaCarter]

My family history says I won't live much past 80 if I live to old age. I expect we'll be working in some way until about 70, so hopefully there's not a whole lot to figure out. I plan to raise my children in such a way that they are capable of handling that decade or so with compassion and grace.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rosie_0801]

My dd plans to have 10 kids and I plan to be nice to them, so there should be someone around willing to care for me to some extent. Dd will probably care for her favourite uncle too, to some degree. 

[Laura Corin]

I knew someone who tried to choose the time to die in old age.  It ended in hospitalisation and compulsory psych admittance.  Not nice at all.

 

We are doing as much planning as we can to be as little burden to our children as possible.  I've also seen old people do a 180 turn from 'Don't look after me, just shove me in a nursing home' to 'Please look after me'.  I can understand it and I don't see any reason that I will be different.  I hope not, but I don't know.

[FaithManor]

I agree Faith.  I don't want to make anyone have to suffer taking care of me.  I agree on the quality not quantity thing.  Wholeheartedly.  It was painful to lose my mother at 49, but she suffered for pretty much 49 years so it was enough.  They offered her more treatment, but she opted against it.  I completely understood. 

I am so sorry Sparkly. 49 years of suffering. Staggers.the.imagination.

 

I have seen my father in law do the "die by inches thing" followed by my father figure and an aunt. It does something to you when you see that. My parents never dealt with that with their own so they have had a "hold onto every last second" kind of mentality, and think it is immoral to consider anything else. Sigh...

 

Not that I am looking for my mom to die soon. Really. What I am hoping is that the next two surgeries will improve her situation so much that she can get some quality of life back. I hope I survive having to care for her, and still get ds graduated on time and off to college without stealing from the last of his childhood. Lots of hoping things go well. And if she does come around, then she will be able to be fairly independent with financial help of course, but that means she can handle my getting into the work force full time. It also means I can put her on a plane, and there are grown grandkids all around the country clamoring to have dear grandma for a visit. So being able to go do that before her health tanks again would be a huge blessing. Being able to do that might also make her more ready to make some end of life plans for when things get bad which is something she is right now very unwilling to do. She will also go to France and spend two months with my sister. This is a bucket list kind of thing for her....lots riding on these surgeries!

 

But when you've been through it on the other side, you start to really think long and hard about quantity, and it isn't pretty.

[Rosie_0801]

I have seen my father in law do the "die by inches thing" followed by my father figure and an aunt. It does something to you when you see that. My parents never dealt with that with their own so they have had a "hold onto every last second" kind of mentality, and think it is immoral to consider anything else. Sigh...

 

My grandma took 15 years to die from boredom. That's a long time.

[J-rap]

We have long-livers in my family, on both sides.  I really don't want to live until I'm old and frail and a nuisance though.  I know my girls would take care of me, but my dh and I have already decided we just might hold hands and jump off a cliff before it comes to that.  

[Annie G]

I think that's a tough question. Mother in law had dementia and cancer and we spent the past 15 months caring for her. We knew time was limited and we were willing to give up the time to do it. But if the cancer had not come along she might have lived for several years with late stage dementia. I don't think I could have provided that intensive care for years.  It was mentally, physically,emotionally,  financially exhausting. 

 

Oldest dd is willing to care for us but I wouldn't want her to do so for a long time. And it depends on exactly what kind of care we'd need.  Right now my father in law is at our house for a visit and he's almost 86 and mostly self sufficient. His daily needs add about an hour to my workload. That's manageable long term. DD would be fine helping us at that level. 

 

Also, the problem is that old people don't always recognize when they become a burden. I would hope I'd have that awareness. 

[FaithManor]

Rosie nailed another thing. Boredom and especially for new widows and widowers. My uncle is going through this right now, and his pastor has him convinced that he should make NO decisions beyond what to eat and mundane things like that until he has grieved a year. Sigh....I'd like to biff the pastor. Bad advice. He is alone in his house three hours from his nearest child, and he'd like to move, and his nearest son wants him to move closer. Uncle is still in decent health and could putter around cousin's automotive repair shop doing odd jobs, working on older models, and just being helpful. He would LOVE that. But he sits at home all day in his rural house in the middle of no where with no one to talk to and not much going in the surrounding little towns. He should move. Nothing wrong with that. Yet every time he decides to put his house on the market, the pastor talks him out of it...oh you are grieving, this is a rash decision, you will regret it,....blah blah blah.

 

What's rash about going to be near your relatives, and having something meaningful to do, downsizing your house so you do't have so much to care for?

 

Don't get it!

 

Anyway, yah....boredom. UGH!

[Guest]

I have no plans to get fragile. As long as I'm content with my quality of life, I plan to keep on living. When that ends, life ends. It could be 51 (next year). It could be 111. Who knows? (It will surprise me if it's later than mid 50s or possibly 60 though - too many progressive health things.)

 

We're already at the point where hubby and I help each other remember things. :lol: We'll help each other with other stuff too, as needed, but I've seen my MIL with Alzheimers and my grandmother with her body letting her down. I don't plan to reach either stage.

Please don't die next year. I like you. ðŸ˜

[Jane in NC]

I have mixed feelings about my own end of life care. On the one hand, I feel that my husband and I should be responsible for it, funding assisted living and whatever beyond that.

 

On the other hand, I know people who are involved with an aging in place/aging in dignity movement.  One woman that I know invited her son and daughter in law (their own children are now adults) to move in rent and utility free to help her until the end  The couple are at a point in life where doing this made sense. One, who works in a medical field, found a job working 30 hours a week that covers the couple's health benefits.  They are all very happy.

 

Of course, something like this assumes that one has a decent relationship with one's kids.  We all hope for it, don't we?  Yet I see so many people who don't get along with their own parents so who is to say if they will have a different sort of relationship with their own kids down the road.

 

My new neighbors moved 1000 miles in order to be near their grandchildren. I could envision doing something similar--once I have grandchildren.  I am not wedded to the idea of a "forever house".

[creekland]

Please don't die next year. I like you. ðŸ˜

 

Well, I still have more places I want to see before I die, so I'm hoping for more than another year.  ;)  (There's also another college graduation, med school graduation, and potential grandkids...)

 

(But I'm also well aware of how much things are progressing, so... who knows?)

[Rosie_0801]

Rosie nailed another thing. Boredom and especially for new widows and widowers. My uncle is going through this right now, and his pastor has him convinced that he should make NO decisions beyond what to eat and mundane things like that until he has grieved a year. Sigh....I'd like to biff the pastor. Bad advice. He is alone in his house three hours from his nearest child, and he'd like to move, and his nearest son wants him to move closer. Uncle is still in decent health and could putter around cousin's automotive repair shop doing odd jobs, working on older models, and just being helpful. He would LOVE that. But he sits at home all day in his rural house in the middle of no where with no one to talk to and not much going in the surrounding little towns. He should move. Nothing wrong with that. Yet every time he decides to put his house on the market, the pastor talks him out of it...oh you are grieving, this is a rash decision, you will regret it,....blah blah blah.

 

What's rash about going to be near your relatives, and having something meaningful to do, downsizing your house so you do't have so much to care for?

 

Don't get it!

 

Anyway, yah....boredom. UGH!

 

That pastor isn't fleecing him, is he? 

[Amber in SJ]

Before my mom got sick with a rare & aggressive form of cancer that took her in 7 weeks from diagnosis to death (although she had probably been undiagnosed for about a year, she just had a moron for a primary care physician,) we fully expected her to outlive my dad with his heart condition.  The plan was for her to come live with us.  Dh & I decided that when my dad was gone we'd build her a "tiny house" in our backyard.  

 

We are currently trying to figure out how to build that tiny house in the backyard for our adult dd who has a health condition that means she can't live on her own right now.  As we make the plans I keep reminding my Dh that it needs to be "elderly friendly," and work for someone who is "mobility-challenged."  Those 7 weeks taking care of my mom's personal needs in a bathroom that was not walker/ wheelchair friendly was difficult.  I keep telling Dh that when dd doesn't need the tiny house then it can be for visiting family and eventually when he is gone it can be mine & whichever one of the kids who wants to take care of me can live in the "big house."

 

We make "jokes" at our house that if things are looking really bad we might take up extreme sky-diving.

 

It is such a difficult call to make because in our family we have had everything from the grandparent who made the slow slide through dementia and hung on for years without knowing anyone or really what was going on around her to the grandparent who lived happily in her own house until at 86 she had a massive heart attack while making her morning coffee and never woke up.  Of course that is the one I would choose, but you don't get to choose.

 

Amber in SJ 

[Amber in SJ]

Apparently, my dad's plan is to marry someone 17 years younger so there will be someone to take care of him that is not one of us :)

 

Amber in SJ

[Guest]

Rosie nailed another thing. Boredom and especially for new widows and widowers. My uncle is going through this right now, and his pastor has him convinced that he should make NO decisions beyond what to eat and mundane things like that until he has grieved a year. Sigh....I'd like to biff the pastor. Bad advice. He is alone in his house three hours from his nearest child, and he'd like to move, and his nearest son wants him to move closer. Uncle is still in decent health and could putter around cousin's automotive repair shop doing odd jobs, working on older models, and just being helpful. He would LOVE that. But he sits at home all day in his rural house in the middle of no where with no one to talk to and not much going in the surrounding little towns. He should move. Nothing wrong with that. Yet every time he decides to put his house on the market, the pastor talks him out of it...oh you are grieving, this is a rash decision, you will regret it,....blah blah blah.

 

What's rash about going to be near your relatives, and having something meaningful to do, downsizing your house so you do't have so much to care for?

 

Don't get it!

 

Anyway, yah....boredom. UGH!

I understand your frustration, but the general rule of advice is exactly what your uncle's pastor is telling him. I have heard the "don't make any major decisions for one year" advice from many people before, including psychologists, grief counselors, and just regular ol' folks.

[Seasider]

That pastor isn't fleecing him, is he?

I wondered the same thing. Of course it would be more like the pastor doesn't want one of the church's regular tithers to no longer be contributing to the budget.

 

I have heard that "don't do anything major for a year" advice before. Hardly seems feasible in the situation described.

Edited October 17, 2017 by Seasider

[Laurel-in-CA]

Well, since I have bad genes (diabetes and associated cascade of issues), I'll just keep doing my best and depend on dh to hold me up as long as we both can manage. Having a clear will and a family trust were the very best things my parents could have done, not to mention my dad's pension that covered both of their end of life care needs. They set us a really good example. Now we need to do the same....and move near one of the kids when they finally settle down. I think that will be awhile yet, since they range from 25 to 14. Not a grandkid in sight.

[lavender's green]

That's so many years away, for me. We're working hard to save for retirement. Who knows how the years will go, but I hope to be able to afford some level of care if it's needed. My great grandma had a long slow decline with one of her daughters doing all the care in exchange for the house. My great aunt was an old, frail, unhealthy woman herself, and was carrying, bathing, and toileting her mother. Of course it started out easier than that, just assisting her down the hall and out of bed and some cooking and cleaning. But it got very real and lasted a very long time. I hope I can spare my children from that.

 

I just made my will and my husband knows my wishes. Basically, if I become fragile anytime soon, go ahead and resuscitate, take care of me, etc. I'm a young mother and my people need me. Go to heroic lengths, but if it's a truly hopeless situation, then let me die as comfortably as possible.

 

However, as I age, I'm going to change that. If I were to have a heart attack right now, yeah, pull out all the stops and get me treated. Heart attack at 80? When my ribs would probably break from chest compressions? No, just let me go.

[Guest]

Well, I still have more places I want to see before I die, so I'm hoping for more than another year. ;) (There's also another college graduation, med school graduation, and potential grandkids...)

 

(But I'm also well aware of how much things are progressing, so... who knows?)

I was thinking of suggesting you not pick up any travel brochures for the Pearly Gates while you plan your next excursions...

[Carol in Cal.]

We have long term care insurance, hopefully that will take care of things more or less.

[Laurie4b]

Rosie nailed another thing. Boredom and especially for new widows and widowers. My uncle is going through this right now, and his pastor has him convinced that he should make NO decisions beyond what to eat and mundane things like that until he has grieved a year. Sigh....I'd like to biff the pastor. Bad advice. He is alone in his house three hours from his nearest child, and he'd like to move, and his nearest son wants him to move closer. Uncle is still in decent health and could putter around cousin's automotive repair shop doing odd jobs, working on older models, and just being helpful. He would LOVE that. But he sits at home all day in his rural house in the middle of no where with no one to talk to and not much going in the surrounding little towns. He should move. Nothing wrong with that. Yet every time he decides to put his house on the market, the pastor talks him out of it...oh you are grieving, this is a rash decision, you will regret it,....blah blah blah.

 

What's rash about going to be near your relatives, and having something meaningful to do, downsizing your house so you do't have so much to care for?

 

Don't get it!

 

Anyway, yah....boredom. UGH!

 

That is generally good advice and is given by mental health professionals as well. But anything that is generally good advice is not the same as specifically good advice. There seems to be no positives to staying in place and a lot to be gained by moving. 

 

Much more typical, especially for widowers, is for them to rush into a new relationships in a matter of months. I've seen this cause all kinds of turmoil for everyone. Sometimes decisions to sell a house can be made too soon as well. For instance, it is not uncommon for someone to sell too soon and then grieve losing the spouse and one's sense of place/belonging. I've known empty nesters (who have not lost anyone to death, just lost the role of parent of live-in kids) who regretted downsizing too soon. 

 

To be clear, I agree with you about your uncle. I just wanted you to know the reasons behind this kind of recommendation and that it is pretty mainstream advice. It sounds like the pastor is taking it as more of a rule than a rule of thumb (is the pastor on the young side?) , but understanding why he might be saying this might help family members communicate better with your uncle. For instance, a conversation that says, "The pastor is wrong; you should move now" (more or less) is apt to meet with more resistance from someone who trusts the pastor than would a conversation that went, "I totally understand where your pastor is coming from. In most cases, that is very wise advice and I understand he is trying to help you not make a crisis decision that you'll regret. But it's not a one-size fits all solution. In your particular case... blah blah blah."   I think affirming the wisdom of the pastor's advice for the typical person but helping him see the reasoning doesn't apply to him enables him to continue to trust the pastor and to make the decision that makes sense. 

Edited October 17, 2017 by Laurie4b

[Starr]

The difficulty is if ones mind goes first and one does not get to make their own decisions. We have a family member who would have never agreed to medical decisions they are being talked into now. :(

[Wheres Toto]

I worked in a nursing home as a CNA for about 6 months before I married dh.  I don't ever want to wind up in a place like that, or in that condition.  I took care of some people with severe contractures and I do not want to live like that.

 

Dh is 13 years older than I am so I assume I'll outlive him.  Although in many ways he's healthier than I am.  Both of us have parents and/or grandparents that lived into their 80's.  I'm trying to take steps now so that I'll be mobile as long as possible.

[Laurie4b]

My sister and I are caring for our parents who are still living independently but not for much longer. My husband and his siblings are caring for their parents. We believe it's the right thing to do. We would be willing to have a parent live with us but also not averse to assisted living as long as it was near one of their kids. I think it's critically important to have regular visitors once someone loses independence, especially if it is due to cognitive issues. Otherwise, abuse, neglect, chemical restraints---all are  too common and easy to get away with. 

 

I believe our children have the same values. One of our future daughters in law has already declared that we will never live in a nursing home (she is a nurse and is from a culture where that would never be done) and they have discussed us living with them. 

 

However, we are taking steps to make it easier on our kids than it has been on us: 

 

1, Really good self-care now. There are choices one can make in middle age that make it more likely that one will live a functional life as long as possible.

 

• Exercise is probably the most important of the lifestyle choices one can make. Strength-training keeps you functional (not being able to get off and on the toilet by oneself is the #1 reason people end up needing assisted living. It's a basic squat movement) and a recent meta-study demonstrated that it impacts memory, working memory, and executive function. It also helps prevent falls.  Cardio type exercise helps all aspects of cognition and has the most research in terms of delaying the onset of cognitive decline or even slowing it down or reversing it to some degree. And obviously, it helps prevent the debilitation that can be caused by a stroke. Flexibility and balance exercises round it out. 
•  Health eating
•  Staying socially engaged
• Challenging the mind (taking a college course, having a challenging job, learning a new language) 
•  Good dental hygiene (it is known that the bacteria involved in gum inflammation travel into the blood stream and affect cardivascular disease; they also are thought to contribute to the risk of Alzheimer's. 
• Switching to a gerontologist as soon as you hit the appropriate age to avoid the problems with inappropriate prescription drugs 

 

2. We are planning to put one of our sons as co-POA for health and other things in the near future. This will allow that child to intervene early if he sees that we are both going downhill. We've learned that it is typical for couples to "cover for" one another and it's not uncommon for both to be losing judgment even if they are not cognitively impaired yet.  Financial judgment can be one of the first things to go. 

 

3. We are planning to be able to finance our elder years, but unless one is uber rich, that can disappear pretty quickly with changes in government policies, the economy, etc. 

[Jane in NC]

Given that women outlive their husbands statistically, two different groups of my women friends have entertained the notion of banding together in old age to care for each other. Sort of a co-housing concept.

[Murphy101]

I understand your frustration, but the general rule of advice is exactly what your uncle's pastor is telling him. I have heard the "don't make any major decisions for one year" advice from many people before, including psychologists, grief counselors, and just regular ol' folks.

Within an hour of my mom dying, his wife of 35 years, my dad sold his house for 1/10 the value and moved to another state 12 hours away from all his children to buy a cattle ranch.

 

So the wait to make decisions is not entirely a bad idea...

[Rosika]

I don't know who WILL care for me, but I sure as heck hope it's one of my children!

 

My sister and FIL are in the life insurance business, so we're all set up financially for any possibility. One thing we've done, that I don't pretend to fully understand because I'm not clever enough to understand their jargon, is set it up so that we can withdraw without penalty while we're living to pay for any associated expenses such as facility care or in-home care. When I was talking to my sister about setting up a policy, I let her know that what was most important to me was that a relative could be paid to help with our care if need be. Like, if my daughter has her own family and stays home but could draw some income for doing what (I hope) she'd be doing anyway in terms of caring for us. Currently, my cousin gets a stipend from Medicare (I think that's it?) to stay and help her mother out three days each week. It's not a lot, but it's enough that she could step up and do it without financially affecting her own little family. 

 

My plan - which I've already begun, so maybe I should more appropriately call it a CAMPAIGN? - is to plant seeds now. Guilt-tripping is kosher in our culture. LOL I let the kids know now that I had as many as I did so no one or two would be overburdened. :) But I didn't have so many so as to affect their childhoods by spreading us too thin financially or emotionally. And to show appreciation for my wonderful accounting skills and nailing that sweet spot, it's up to them to work out how to spread out caring for me in my golden years! 

 

I honestly feel like I'll never live on my own. It's just a hunch that I'll have one kid who stays single, or marries late in life and our home just goes from being "ours" (parents) to "theirs" (child/couple). That's pretty much how it goes in my family for many generations now. My ex-husband and my husband both come from families with long-lived women, but men who die before 80. The women in my family have all hit 90, with a few living upwards of 100. Stinks for my kids because my ex and my husband are likely to be nice in their old age. I'm probably going to get more cranky with age. And I'm pretty darn cranky to begin with!

 

ETA: we are Catholic, so euthanasia (assisted or otherwise) is not an option for us. But I loved reading Hornblower's post below mine about how she might like to spend her final moments. May we both be so fortunate to have that experience as our last memory, however we choose to go.  :001_wub:

Edited October 18, 2017 by Rosika

[solascriptura]

I struggle with this quite a bit. I’ve seen relatives succumb to Alzheimer’s and they are well cared for. However, it takes such a toll on everyone and I wonder if the individuals every thought about this when they were lucid. The thought of being a shell of my former self and my children changing my diapers and feeding me baby food is just too much.

[hornblower]

We will hopefully have enough funds to pay for an assisted living situation but whether we actually go to one will depend on our quality of life.  If I'm just frail and needing a bit of help with activities of daily life, then fine. If I'm in lots of pain or have dementia  and I'm a prisoner in my body, trapped in a bed and not lucid or enjoying life..... well we have legal assisted suicide. 

When I get to be too much, take me to an ocean beach so I can breathe the ocean air one last time and hear the waves and taste the salt water, let wet and sandy dogs scramble all over me, and send me on my way. 

[solascriptura]

I’ve also watched my best friend care for her mother who had a massive stroke when my friend was a teen. She has care for her mother way too long. I’ve watched the burden on my friend and in many ways it has taken away her carefree youth. I can’t even.

[solascriptura]

We have long-livers in my family, on both sides. I really don't want to live until I'm old and frail and a nuisance though. I know my girls would take care of me, but my dh and I have already decided we just might hold hands and jump off a cliff before it comes to that.

My bff and I joke about the jumping off the cliff thing. But how would we get to the top of the cliff if we’re too old and frail to walk around or drive a car? I can see how devastating it would be to be forced to stop driving.

[J-rap]

My bff and I joke about the jumping off the cliff thing. But how would we get to the top of the cliff if we’re too old and frail to walk around or drive a car? I can see how devastating it would be to be forced to stop driving.

 

haha, I did think about that...  Maybe take an Uber?

[FaithManor]

That pastor isn't fleecing him, is he?

I don't know. But I would not be shocked if that were the case.

[FaithManor]

Given that women outlive their husbands statistically, two different groups of my women friends have entertained the notion of banding together in old age to care for each other. Sort of a co-housing concept.

A shared Bungalow on a beach in Costa Rica.....

 

Just saying the idea has merit!

[FaithManor]

I wondered the same thing. Of course it would be more like the pastor doesn't want one of the church's regular tithers to no longer be contributing to the budget.

 

I have heard that "don't do anything major for a year" advice before. Hardly seems feasible in the situation described.

I know! He is so lonely up there, and he just does not want the house or the big yard, especially the big yard.

 

There seems to be a control freak thing with the pastor. He visisted the other day and got mad at uncle for boxing up her clothing to take to the clothing pantry. It has been six months now, and just doesn't want to look at it anymore. Pastor thinks that is "rash" too.

[Rosie_0801]

Given that women outlive their husbands statistically, two different groups of my women friends have entertained the notion of banding together in old age to care for each other. Sort of a co-housing concept.

 

I think that's great. I've wondered whether this insistence on living alone in one's own house would change as those who have lived independently between moving out of home and moving in with a significant other grow into this age bracket.

 

My mother is too afraid to even rent out her spare room one night a week even though she is frightfully lonely. I, obviously, can't say what age will do to me, but I'm probably not going to forget the time my housemate's lady friend mistook my bedroom door for the loo at stupid o'clock one morning and *nothing bad happened.*

[Rosie_0801]

I know! He is so lonely up there, and he just does not want the house or the big yard, especially the big yard.

 

There seems to be a control freak thing with the pastor. He visisted the other day and got mad at uncle for boxing up her clothing to take to the clothing pantry. It has been six months now, and just doesn't want to look at it anymore. Pastor thinks that is "rash" too.

 

That guy is doing damage.  :thumbdown: Can you report him? 

[FaithManor]

That guy is doing damage. :thumbdown: Can you report him?

My mom is checking into that. My uncle is her brother in law, and she is also going to talk to my cousins because she is not certain his sons know about it.

[solascriptura]

I know! He is so lonely up there, and he just does not want the house or the big yard, especially the big yard.

 

There seems to be a control freak thing with the pastor. He visisted the other day and got mad at uncle for boxing up her clothing to take to the clothing pantry. It has been six months now, and just doesn't want to look at it anymore. Pastor thinks that is "rash" too.

Look I’m a Christian, but the pastor is being too overbearing. You can sweetly request to the pastors face that he come and do all yard work that uncle does not want to do. Heck, I’m only on my 40s and I don’t want to do yard work either. My home, my property. I’ll do what I want.

[FaithManor]

Look I’m a Christian, but the pastor is being too overbearing. You can sweetly request to the pastors face that he come and do all yard work that uncle does not want to do. Heck, I’m only on my 40s and I don’t want to do yard work either. My home, my property. I’ll do what I want.

Wish that I could. I live four hours away so can't do a lot. Hoping one of my cousin's makes a visit and tells the man to lay off.

[Murphy101]

I'll be middle dd's problem, as she'll be the only one here. If she's hasn't killed me off in the next 6 months with all her hairy animals! One of these days I'm going to sneeze my head clear off!

 

I'm already older now than my mother was when she passed away. That's a sobering thought!

It’s really freaked me out and changed my attitude about so many things when it hit me that my mother died when she was just 10 years older than me at the time. It’s like a flip switched and suddenly there’s so much clarity for me about what I want in life and what matters. It’s really changed my parenting too. My older kids have noticed a marked difference the last 3 years since I had that thought hit me. If I die at her age, how will I feel about my life? Suddenly not taking advanatage of every day to spend it with the people I love and doing the things I love seems like a stupid waste. Edited October 18, 2017 by Murphy101

[Lecka]

I knew someone who chose to commit suicide as he was facing health threats. He cared for his wife while she had early-onset Alzheimer's and then was scared of ending up like her and burdening his kids.

 

Believe it or not I knew him from church and we were in the same supper/fellowship group! I really liked him and he was one of the kindest people to me with some issues with my son.

 

I am still not sure what I think about it; but I have gotten advice to respect his decision, and I have heard more about people having really agonizing deaths, too. I don't know though. It is really a sad choice to me.

 

I still miss him :(

 

Edit: oh, another man at church died suddenly. Someone we used to sit by, we always sat in certain pews for a while.

 

A lot of people at the funeral were expressing they were glad he didn't suffer long, said he had a peaceful death, etc etc etc.

 

I ended up talking to someone about it; because it really struck me the wrong way, as he died so suddenly!

 

I have not been close to someone who has suffered at the end of their life but a lot of people at church have, so that is why they were saying things like that, and why they were understanding of the man who chose to commit suicide.

 

I have personally only had experience where there was enough time to say good-bye, but things either weren't very bad or else I was sheltered as a child.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Lecka

[swimmermom3]

I have mixed feelings about my own end of life care. On the one hand, I feel that my husband and I should be responsible for it, funding assisted living and whatever beyond that.

 

On the other hand, I know people who are involved with an aging in place/aging in dignity movement.  One woman that I know invited her son and daughter in law (their own children are now adults) to move in rent and utility free to help her until the end  The couple are at a point in life where doing this made sense. One, who works in a medical field, found a job working 30 hours a week that covers the couple's health benefits.  They are all very happy.

 

Of course, something like this assumes that one has a decent relationship with one's kids.  We all hope for it, don't we?  Yet I see so many people who don't get along with their own parents so who is to say if they will have a different sort of relationship with their own kids down the road.

 

My new neighbors moved 1000 miles in order to be near their grandchildren. I could envision doing something similar--once I have grandchildren.  I am not wedded to the idea of a "forever house".

 

Jane, I am very late to the party because I am in fact in the middle of all of this. My mom is very frail and terminally ill. We are working on the part of aging with dignity in place. I am one of only 2 children and although my sister is younger, her health is not good. I am anxious about how little consideration they really gave to elder care and now dh and I know we need to get busy with our own plans. Anyway, could you please direct me to thread everyone is talking about? Thanks! I hope all is well with you and yours.