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s/o Who do you expect to take care of your elderly relatives?


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#1 Homeschool Mom in AZ

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 11:51 AM

This is a s/o of the current reinventing yourself thread for veteran homeschoolers. 

I hear lots of talk from women about what they think they'll be doing as empty nesters, but it rarely includes talk of caring for elderly parents. Do they expect other relatives to do it? Do they not think about it?  Do they talk to other relatives in their generation about dividing things up? Or are most people ignoring it until they get that phone call and them scramble when it all goes down?

I'm right on the verge of this and already helped care for elderly grandparents so I think about this all the time, but I'm not sure that's typical. 

Anyone else facing more parents than reliable, available adult children to handle it? Siblings living away from parents is a factor in other people's situations too. How is that working out for the BTDT crowd?  Anyone having to use facilities elderly parents said they don't want to fill the gap? 

Any thoughts or advice on this constellation of issues?


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#2 Carol in Cal.

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 11:59 AM

It's a tough one.

No one wants to be 'taken care of'.

But eventually many need care.

I always figured that I would do it, and I'm still feeling like it's on me to make sure that it happens, but I don't know what that will look like or when it will happen so I try to plan margin into my life and also keep an eye out for lines on good caregivers but don't go beyond that.


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#3 Jean in Newcastle

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:00 PM

My parents went into a retirement community in their 70's.  It was the best decision ever.  My dad died at 92 but he had 22 very happy active years. He taught Bible until he was 90.  He sang in a singing group.  He was the bocce ball champion.  My mom, who had previously suffered from a lot of depression has had much fewer struggles as she is more active and engaged.  She's 92 now and is still active and living independently.  She just traveled all the way across the US this summer with the help of my sister.  My sister does help with some things like banking but Mom does most things herself.  The rest of us help by paying for bi-monthly housekeeping on her apartment.

 

My ILs waited too long to go into assisted living, but they are there now.  My MIL was ready to die and my SIL was ready to let her die a couple of years ago until I put my foot down.  I wasn't too popular as an in law but they were essentially letting MIL die a pretty painful death through unmanaged diabetes and dementia.  She's still got both diabetes and dementia but she's happy and safe.  FIL has been changed by Alzheimers into a pretty angry person but he was angry and unsafe before and now he's angry and safe so I take that as a win.  They have the money for care. 


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#4 Sarah CB

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:01 PM

We live on the other side of the country from our parents. Dh is the only child left. His dad is 81, works out at the gym every day, plays basket-ball with his friends once a week, and golfs regularly. He also still works as a realtor. His mom is late 70's and volunteers at her church and loves to travel. They are divorced. Neither of them want to live where we do, so I think that if something were to happen that left one of them unable to care for him or herself, we'd have to fly back and find an assisted living home for them.

 

My mom is only 64. She's a nurse and she's pretty active. I'm hoping I've got a lot of years left before I have to think about her. My sister lives in the same city, but I'd be totally fine having my mom come and move in with me here if needed. 

 

 


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#5 Laura Corin

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:02 PM

My brother in law looked after my in laws; one of my brothers is not able to help much; my other brother may have to take in his MIL and in the meantime cleared my mum's house and carries out respite for us. So Mum falls to me. She's the last grandparent left. She moved from the other end of the country and lives with us for now

Edited by Laura Corin, 17 October 2017 - 12:03 PM.


#6 KarenC

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:02 PM

Good question.  My grandmother has a home health aid stay with her 24 hours a day so she can live at home.  She pays for it partly with Medicare and partly her own savings.  She lives about 15 minutes from me and I can be there quickly if she needs me.

 

My mom moved to Florida which is about 12 hours away.  So far, she is able to live on her own, but she doesn't want to move back here and I sure don't want to move there.  I'm her only close living relative and I have no idea what to do when she is no longer able to live on her own.  She has nowhere near the savings my grandmother does.

 

My FIL and MIL live about 30 minutes away and are in the best health of all of our elderly relatives.   So far, MIL still drives but dh or I could be there pretty quickly if they needed us.  

 

 



#7 Penguin

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:08 PM

Between the two of us, DH and I only have one living parent. My mom is 80 and the healthiest 80 yr old that I have ever known. Nevertheless, I am fully aware that that status can change in a day.

I am an only child so any and all elder care will fall on me. I see my mom often, but we do not live in the same state. If something happens, the logistics will possibly send me over the edge. I love my mom dearly and will not let her down. But I would have to move her, which is easier said than done.

Truthfully, I try not to think about the what-ifs too much, today’s troubles being PLENTY for today. But it weighs on me.

Edited by Penguin, 17 October 2017 - 12:09 PM.


#8 Where's Toto?

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:11 PM

My only sibling is my brother who lives in Florida.  Me, my mother, and my father all live in NJ.   I'm not close to my dad so I don't expect to be taking care of him on any kind of daily basis.  He has a younger wife who is also not in good health, but I expect she will make these decisions when the time comes.

 

My mother is 72 and in okay health.  She occasionally talks about selling her house and moving into a senior apartment complex.  I've already been "taking care of" her in a lot of ways because I'm the only one around to do it.  Especially in the past year since my stepfather passed away.   Dd23 currently lives with her and helps with some day-to-day stuff (taking out garbage, etc.) but I wouldn't expect her to help past fairly simple things.

 

My kids are the only grandchildren.

 

My in-laws are about 2 1/2 hours from us.  They have one son who lives close but doesn't help with anything, one who just moved to Florida, and Dh is the oldest.  They have 9 or 10 grandchildren, all of which except mine are adults and 20+ great-grandchildren (and a few great-great-grands).  I think a couple of them may come visit or call occasionally.  They are both in their early 80's and still live in their home, in a senior neighborhood of detached houses.   FIL isn't expected to make it much longer, MIL has health issues but is doing okay.

 

We have a VERY small house.  Having any parent move in with us is not really an option.  


Edited by Where's Toto?, 17 October 2017 - 12:12 PM.


#9 Joker

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:12 PM

We'll be empty nesters in three years and aren't really thinking about it. 

 

Dh's parents live across the country and don't want to move here due to the winters. We've asked them several times as they are in their late 70s/early 80s so their care will be on dh's two siblings who live near them. They actually are starting to look at retirement homes for themselves so their kids don't have to do much. They planned their retirement very well and should be good.

 

I live just a few minutes from my mom but she's only 64 and still working and traveling and has no health issues. I would be fine with taking care of her (we even bought our current home with that in mind) but I feel that when she nears that time she will move back to where she's from and where my other two siblings still live. So, again those siblings will probably do the caring. 

 

 


Edited by Joker, 17 October 2017 - 12:12 PM.


#10 Lecka

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:12 PM

We send $100/month to my husband's grandmother right now. 

 

For my parents, my sister who lives in our hometown will do most things -- definitely she will handle documents.  She already does.  I expect to go 1-2 weekends a month (turning into 2-3 weekends a month at some point) to clean and do errands and make some food, that kind of thing.... that is what my mom did for her parents, so it is normal to me.  Edit:  between my mom and aunt someone went every weekend, at a certain point, so if I needed to go almost every weekend I would.  Edit:  it is a consideration for where we move when my husband retires from the military -- we will be close enough that I can drive to my hometown on the weekend. 

 

I have no idea with my ILs.  No idea at all!  They are around 15 years younger than my parents so it is too soon to think about, and also we aren't on the same kind of terms as with my parents.  Off the top of my head -- I think we would send money every month but rarely go in-person. 


Edited by Lecka, 17 October 2017 - 12:17 PM.


#11 teachermom2834

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:15 PM

My MIL lives 13 hours from us and 6 from her only other child. She really has no family or friends and no money at all. She is a hoarder and her home is in terrible repair.

I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen to her. She has resisted any offers to help her get cleaned up, move near a child, etc. She is determined to stay just where she is.

Seriously no idea how we will help her when she needs help or how we will deal with all that if she dies. No idea.

#12 SKL

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:24 PM

This is one good thing about having a bunch of siblings.  I have 5 of them.  3 live very close to my parents and the other two have in-laws living very close, so they would have reason to visit fairly often.  My brother who is a nurse practitioner has said he wants to move in and take care of my parents if they get to the point of needing that.  Of course things change and he may not feel that way when the time comes.  But there are enough of us to spread it around.

 

Nowadays my role is most likely to be financial.  I live farthest away and have school-aged kids and no spouse.  So I will be very thankful if my siblings step up and provide the day-to-day help.  But I believe I will be able to offer financial assistance for things like maid service or other goods/services that are not covered by their health insurance.  If they need to move into some sort of care setting, I could help with the cost of that.  Not that I have unlimited funds (2 kids to put through college), but it is more than any of my sibs can do financially at this point.

 

I would love to go out there on some weekends and help my folks clean the place up.  I have told my mom this various times, but reality is that I don't have a lot of free time.  Sounds lame, I know.  I really should go do it.

 

I should add that I've already helped a lot with finances, so their house is paid off and I got them a new furnace / air conditioner among other smaller things.  I do their taxes and whatever else they need me for (which isn't really much yet).  I've gone to doctors with them when they needed another set of ears, though my siblings also do that at other times.


Edited by SKL, 17 October 2017 - 12:27 PM.

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#13 Lady Florida.

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:26 PM

My father died when I was 14 (congenital heart disease caught up with him). My mother died in 2008. MIL died in 2014. FIL is 92. SIL spends more time at his house than at her own and will likely be the one to take care of him if/when he needs a caregiver. 

 

ETA: Neither of us have living grandparents.

 

Dh and I are going to be the elderly relatives not too many years from now. I don't know what we'll decide to do - go into a retirement home or try to get home care. I guess it will depend on our mental and physical health. I also don't know if dss or ds would be in a position to take care of us, so we're making plans for long term care if it should come to that. 


Edited by Lady Florida., 17 October 2017 - 01:10 PM.


#14 3 ladybugs

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:26 PM

I have already aired this on this board. 

 

My in-laws decided to move to New Mexico and be taken care of by my husband's only cousin. We told them they could move here to NJ but they liked the cost of living better in NM. They just closed on their new house last week. MIL thinks it is the land of milk and honey down there. To me it would be hell... too far from people for my liking but to each their own. DH is pretty sure he is out of the will but it is what it is. I am waiting for them to complain that we don't want to move down there. Did I mention I like seasons and people?

 

My family is a bit more complicated. I have 3 dads and 2 moms that I have the potential of worrying about. 

 

Dad #1 (tied to mom #2) - They have 2 teenage daughters (my sisters) I am expecting them to help take care of their parents (our father) if need be I will step up to the plate. Dad is an easy person to get along with and that makes it MUCH easier. Step mom is easy going as well.

 

Dad #2 - He is the oldest of ALL of our parents. He just moved (in the last month) to a place that is a bit far from everyone. He likes it there and I am hoping he can relax a bit. He has worked hard for all that he has and I want him to have a bit of fun. I keep an eye on him but he is still over a thousand miles away. He doesn't want to move up here so it is what it is. 

 

Mom #1 (tied to dad #3) - I expect that she will move in with us eventually. She has a while before that happens but with her torn retnea a few years ago from caterac surgery she is likely to be both hard of hearing and not able to see well. That should be interesting. I have already told her the basement will be hers. She is trying to get things set up so she will not need to come up here but we will have to see. Her mom is still alive and busier then a fart on a hot skillet. So mom has good genes in her so she might live another 30-40 more years. Dad #3 is in the worst shape of everyone (though doesn't act like it), 2 strokes, a heart attack and a VERY slow progressing case of lymphoma (he is likely to die of other causes before that gets him) he is a mess on paper. However he lives life to the fullest and lets the chips fall where they may. I don't think he will outlive my mom and I don't think I will be in charge of him if he does. He has twin grown sons as well. 


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#15 Pawz4me

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:27 PM

My parents have both passed away. I spent a good deal of time taking care of them in their last years and especially the last few months for each of them. DH's father died of a sudden heart attack. His mother is in her early 80's and quite healthy, but we are cognizant of the fact that she's going to need more and more of our time and attention and we're okay with that. Our motto has always bee that they took care of us; we're sure going to do all we can to take care of them. 


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#16 happysmileylady

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:29 PM


I hear lots of talk from women about what they think they'll be doing as empty nesters, but it rarely includes talk of caring for elderly parents. Do they expect other relatives to do it? Do they not think about it?  Do they talk to other relatives in their generation about dividing things up? Or are most people ignoring it until they get that phone call and them scramble when it all goes down?

Genuinely, I don't expect much are to be necessary.  My dad isn't even retired yet, and my parents are young for their 60s.  Neither have chronic health problems, and they are VERY active.  Just on Sunday, my sister and mom and girls and I all did a 5k through an apple orchard.  My mom's parents are 85 and 90 and are still incredibly healthy for elderly people.  They live on their own and still drive.  My aunt lives nearby and DOES help them, but they don't require so much that she doesn't have her own active life.  She sometimes does a 5k or two with us.  She works full time, travels when she wants, gardens, etc etc.

 

DH's parents have already passed, and he only has one sister who is just 2 yrs older than him.  She has no kids, but she's married so unless her DH passes first or she gets divorced, it won't fall much on DH.

 

I am well aware that anything could happen.  A major illness or injury could strike or whatever, but generally, that type of thing would be somewhat random.  And I just can't plan for every random thing that could happen. 

 

If something DID happen, I am the oldest of 4 kids, and we would all do what we needed to do depending on whatever the situation was. 



#17 eternalsummer

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:31 PM

I expect to take care of my mother, or for my sister to take care of her.  I expect my husband's sisters (one or more of them) to take care of his mother.  I expect his mother (my MIL) and her sisters and brothers to take care of their parents (DH's grandparents).  

 

 

Alas, MIL and siblings stuck the grandparents in a nursing home and didn't look back.  

 

 

My grandmother was cared for by my aunt and for the last year or so my mom.


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#18 Rach

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:32 PM

Well, we figure we will physically help my in laws if they are willing to move off their farm and closer to us. They are still in their 60's and their parents are all mid-80's and healthy. They met with a financial advisor recently and were told they will have enough money to live until 91. I hope that is true! We joke that since my SIL lives across the country that if they need financial assistance, she is going to have to cover it.

My parents live over 1000 miles away. My siblings that live closer will most likely take care of them physically. Their parents are also in their 80's and in good health. I don't have financial concerns for them.

If health issues change, we will worry about it then but if past family health is an indication we won't have to worry about caring for parents for another 20+ years.

#19 tess in the burbs

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:33 PM

I live 3000+ miles from our parents.  I asked them many years ago about elderly stuff like where do you want to be if x or y happens.  My dad said he wants to be home and has the money to pay someone to come in to care for him at home.  Ok then.  Dad will be home with whoever he hires.  My mom is remarried and my stepdad is 10 years older than her.  They have been helping care for some super elderly people but all passed away this year.  I think they are starting to realize they are the elderly people in their community and maybe should ask for help time to time.  We have offered them to live with us but they hate our climate.  Even if my stepdad passes I suspect my mom will not move here with us.  If she's like her mother at all I will eventually need to fly back and get her put somewhere against her will in late stage of life due to memory issues.  Dh has no relationship with his parents anymore.  I make him call them a few times a year.  We never hear from them.  His sister lives nearby and we suspect she will deal with them.  I heard his dad is having some memory issues but that's b/c he no longer works and sits home alone all day with no interaction.  Not my problem since they don't want to interact with us.  We do speak regularly with dh's grandma.  She needs to be in a facility but does not want to be there.  The family is letting her stay home alone for now.  I have no authority to help her, but we would if we could.  

 

But no, it's not on my list of things to do when the kids leave home.  My family doesn't want help.  So I'm respecting that.  I offered to take them in if they want it.  They refused.  



#20 Arcadia

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:33 PM

We are in a different country from our parents. My parents would be primarily taken care of by my brother (only sibling) who stays in the same town as them as in running errands. My brother’s wife parents are taken care of by her siblings. My maternal cousins would also help in legal, financial and health matters for my parents as my brother finds legal and finance beyond typical daily life stuff hard. Financially, my dad has pension and they have a good retirement savings even if my dad pass before my mom. My brother is currently in a stable dead end job which he doesn’t mind so that’s good. He has executive function issues and prefer monotonous/routine jobs.

My husband’s parents are going be a big headache financially. My husband’s grandma is nearly a hundred years old, has no retirement funds, and need a live in aide. FIL and his many siblings are contributing to pay for the aide and grandma is staying with her single daughter. My husband has a brother and a sister but only the sister is financially stable. His brother and wife are in sales and while they save, income is not stable and BIL has been unemployed a few times. His parents would likely stay with their son (that is in sales) because they have a live in domestic helper for more than a decade already. His sister would likely bear the bulk of the financial costs. His siblings marry early and we marry late so the worst financial years for in-laws might be when our kids are in college. My husband’s job isn’t financially secure so we will have to see how much we can afford to help when the time comes. Now we give his parents shopping money in the thousands every 2 to 3 years and pay for part of their vacations which is at least once a year. Last year in-laws went Europe and we pay 1/3 of the expenses. Our financial priority now is emergency savings followed by education expenses (now and future) and retirement savings. We have to float our own boat first.

#21 ScoutTN

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:36 PM

I am 51. My mom is 81 and lives here. I am the one who will take care of her/make sure she has good care. This is already a thing in my life.Thankfully, mom is mentally very sharp and very organized with regard to insurance, money etc.

I have a sibling who is definitely better at dealing with healthcare and social services bureaucracy, but who is also on the other side of the country. 

 

No other relatives to care for. 

Dh's sisters will be on the spot to help my MIL and FIL when they need it. 


Edited by ScoutTN, 17 October 2017 - 01:32 PM.


#22 BarbecueMom

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:37 PM

I don't know. I try not to think about it. The dads are okay for now. But I've been providing financial assistance and cleaning help (like, demonstrating how to actually clean a toilet... again) to one parent my entire life. She can't live here again - it was not good for anyone. Debt (both current and zombie), zero savings, never married, not a homeowner, currently working full time but can't afford to pay all the bills... I don't know what we'll do. I admit I'm resentful and bitter.

#23 momacacia

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:40 PM

My dad is late 70s, currently being treated for colon cancer. He'll probably survive this round, but likely what will get him in the end. My mom will do what care he needs and they'll hire out care otherwise. He has plenty of money.

We have considered my mom in our plans for our next house. I'm an only child, we are close and my husband is amenable to having her live with us or being involves in her care. She's almost 80, Type 1 diabetic, but in great shape.

My in laws are 10 years younger, live 9 hours away and have 9 kids, most of whom live in their city, to spread the wealth of care for them among. They only have 2 daughters, though. I suspect the oldest daughter will do a lot of care if it's needed and my husband will feel guilty for not living there and being there more as they age.

#24 mellifera33

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:43 PM

My dh and I talked about this recently. I expect that I would be the one to care for elderly relatives. My parents are set to age in place and would probably only need care if they were very ill. My fil might need care eventually. The family member I am most concerned about is my aunt who has no children and little savings. I haven't talked with her about it, but in the back of my mind I expect that she might live with us some day. 



#25 Hilltopmom

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 12:43 PM

My parents have long term care insurance and very good savings. They’ll stay home until they can’t and are open to assisted living or whatever. My grandma lived with us for awhile and my mom swears she won’t do that to us. We live about 2 min from a very nice retirement community with attached nursing home.
They are only in their 60s and just started providing childcare for me. My brother, me, and my parents all live on the same street.

I’ve done the full time medical caretaker thing with one of my children and tbh do not want to do it again.

My MIL has plenty of money but swears she will always live at home. She wouldn’t let us help anyways and isn’t very nice. Dh is an only child so it will all fall to him.

#26 Zinnia

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:05 PM

My inlaws are in their early 80s and live 6 hours from us. My dh has 3 sisters that live another 11 hours from us. My inlaws want to remain in their own home, independent, and they are fiercely refusing any other ideas so as not to burden us. I will tell you...knowing that we are the closest and still 6 hours away is fairly burdensome. But they don't see I like that at all.

My parents are 1.5 hours away. Divorced, both have spouses, and they are in their 60s. And yet...I think about it a lot. We are actually planning to move closer in the next 5 years because I Wil be the main person to care for them. I have a brother in the same town that won't.

#27 FaithManor

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:05 PM

My sister lives in France, and my brother is medically fragile. So our mom is all up to me. That isn't going to end well for mom because I HAVE to go back to the work force next year. She and my father figure never saved a dime, and made disastrous financial decisions all along their adult lives so now she is a pauper. Dh cannot support her and help three kids finish college without help. There isn't anyone besides me, so without any money for assisted living if she can't take care of herself, she will have to go to a nursing home because Medicare will pay for that.

I try not to think about it because there isn't a thing that can be done to fix this situation.

Many elders in our area are in the same boat. Didn't save, assumed relatives would care for them, etc. except the stay at home mom turned elder care giver is becoming extinct as most families must have two incomes. And the next generation has to work until 70-72 to draw SS, and it is likely that the Feds will raise the age of eligibility for Medicare to 70 as well. People will have to keep working.

Mother in law has some money for assisted living from the equity in her land/ home when she sells - banks here do not do reverse mortgages due to the real estate market never fully recovering - and a retired son in law who might be willing to have her in his home, so her situation is a bit better.

Edited by FaithManor, 17 October 2017 - 02:33 PM.


#28 whitehawk

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:06 PM

My parents are in their early 60s, still working, 10 and 16 hours away, and each in a long-term relationship with a younger partner. My dad would probably like to retire near me (only child, plus a couple of his siblings live in this general area), but his girlfriend just launched a new career where they are, so IDK.

For my mom, it might depend on where my youngest sibling ends up living. I'm sure she has little saved; she has spent most of adulthood in poverty.

 

DH's parents are a few years older. I suspect direct care will be done at least in part by SIL, but with DH's money.

 

We don't have an extra room. Ask me in ten years and I will have a clearer picture, I think.



#29 2_girls_mommy

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:08 PM

My grandparents are still independent, though very elderly. My mom and her brother's family live close to them and are around if needed. My mom is currently the caretaker of her husband who has Alzheimer's. So we all know what is involved in the caring for the elderly process. My grandmother cared for her older sister and helped her transition to a nursing home when it was time. Luckily they ( grandparents and her sister) are all in a place financially to cover most of that on their own. My mother will not be. And I have not worked so have little in retirement as well. We have talked about this, and our current plan, though not fleshed out, is that when she retires in a few years, and after her husband has passed and after her parents are gone is that she will move here with me. I have another sister with a bigger house that wants her there, but I could use the help with my late in life baby when I go back to work after my husband retires. No definitive plans. Like, we might need to consider a different house. Could we sell hers and mine and go together for a bigger one maybe? Would that financially be feasible? It would probably be necessary to avoid any going crazy on all of our parts, lol. Those kinds of things we will talk about when the time gets closer. But we have discussed it. 



#30 Seasider

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:10 PM

After caring for one set that had no plans for their own old-age needs besides Denial & Avoidance, I am having frank talks with the other set. I cannot again be a physical caregiver. I can, however, be a very attentive administrator to insure their needs are met, and a frequent visitor. It's up to them to have the right paperwork and all the financials in place. They have watched me live through a cautionary tale on the matter and I hope by so doing, they understand the serious nature of the looking ahead to their own end of life needs. I for sure am looking ahead to be responsible to make arrangements for myself when that time comes, so the burden won't be on my own kids.

Edited by Seasider, 17 October 2017 - 01:11 PM.

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#31 foxbridgeacademy

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:12 PM

Let's start with DH's parents, they are recently (3 years ago) divorced.  We haven't spoken to his mother in 14 years so no worries there.... also you couldn't pay me enough to live with her.  His dad we only recently started speaking to, after the divorce.  Dh would like to buy property and build his dad a little house on it near our house.  I think his dad will end of living with his daughter like he did after the divorce unless his ex-wife beats him to it.... but I really don't see DH's sister putting up with her mother either (woman is npd). So we might end up with him.  He's a nice man who hides the fact that he doesn't like me fairly well. 

 

My parents, well they're both married to other people.  My dad will probably work himself to death but if he does ever need care my middle sister has already agreed to be the one to take him in (assuming his wife were gone) if his wife were still alive it is unlikely that her daughter would let anyone else care for her mom so it would be a package deal, I would think.

 

My mom, who I love dearly, is the opposite of me in almost every way.  There is no way we could ever live under the same roof.  Luckily my youngest sister or even much younger brother live nearby and can help out.  If my mom got to the point where she couldn't care for herself she says she'll do what our old dog did, walk off into the woods to die.... yeah, taking care of her in her old age is going to be FUN!  She's married and they own a small farm so likely my sister will go live with them, she's probably the only one who can get along with them on a day to day basis. She lives about 1/2 mile from them now and her youngest is 7 so I wouldn't think it will be an issue.

 

We do not live near family, no jobs in the area, so unless they want to move to where we live I think we'll be parent free in our retirement.



#32 Χάρων

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:17 PM

MIL and FIL are in denial about their age they are in their mid 70's, one in good health the other in poor health with excuses against taking better care of themselves. I will not care for one, the other I will. They have other children but we are the only stable ones.

My parents are in their 60's and in poor health, also in denial. I am an only child and there is no one else to help them.

I try not to think about it. I already know I will not have post kid time to enjoy my life. If I am lucky I will make it until my child is out of high school.


I am not happy about it and I want to tell them all to F off. I am exhasted being a care taker. I am 35. I had a stroke at a young age and when I started to reenter the work force my son was given a dx that rattled me and I backed away and devoted my time to keeping him healthy and getting him everything he needs. I ran myself ragged. Here. There. Everywhere. Waiting lists. Cross state specialists. Daily appointments, sometimes twice a day. Every.single.day.for.months.

And I feel I am alone with all the work and no help. DS has a health issue? Make phne calls, possible doctor appointments or new meds. My mom has major health scare? Awesome, I can sit in the hospital with her OR I can take my son to a favorite activity that he is highly motivated to do. DH works. My dad could not because reasons. I spent an entire afternoon, alone, waiting to see if a life saving surgery worked for my mom, while making phone calls desperately trying to find a ride for DS to keep his life as normal as possible. No one could, because reasons.

DH and I debated moving out of state, but stayed because the step kids will not launch. Yes, major medical issues, but in remission and testing showed they could. Their behavior has shown they are manipulative and very able and willing to drive a wedge rather than even comply with simple house rules (to avoid roaches).

I am done. DONE. Did I mention I am done? I do not want to. I want a chance to actually live my life without having to be a caretaker. But I will not be able to. I am tempted to walk away and that temptation grows every days.

Edited by Χάρων, 17 October 2017 - 01:19 PM.


#33 Bluegoat

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:27 PM

My grandparents have all died.  My parents are in their 60s and healthy - they are also in a position to have pretty good care as they age, and I thin will probably do all that without prompting.  That said, they will need help as time goes on.  I may end up doing a lot of that - I have one other sister here who works FT.  The other lives 3000 miles away.  Mind you, all those things might change.

 

My ILs may need help sooner - they are about 10 years older than my parents and have more health problems.  They also have savings and such for end of life care.  It's possible they may wait longer than is ideal to make a move, especially if it comes down to my FILs decisions.  I suspect I may be very involved in helping them - dh will too, but if he is working I may end up doing more.  My BIL is a three hour drive away, now - that may change eventually - I could see him moving closer if his daughter moves when she is done school.  He's a nurse which could be very helpful - I'm actually not that way inclined.

 

My aunt who lives around the corner is disabled and has some serious health issues.  I may end up helping her out a lot, though my mom may end up doing  that too, though she is actually the eldest sister.  She is on a disability pension and I think has been left some money allocated for care, but I'm not sure how she is fixed financially when it comes down to it.

 

 



#34 Tibbie Dunbar

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:28 PM

For the poster two posts above this one - I don't want to quote - you may walk away from everyone but your son. You really can. You deserve some happiness, you are not on this earth to be a slave. No person is.

Edited by Tibbie Dunbar, 17 October 2017 - 01:52 PM.

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#35 CaliforniaDreaming

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:34 PM

Honestly one of the motivating factors around reinventing myself with a second career is because taking care of elderly parents costs money. I am not physically strong enough to be a nurses aid as I have a back injury. So whatever insurance doesn't cover we will have to help with for both sets of parents. We won't be much help on one income, especially not with trying to get two kids through college. Elder care is expensive. I want to be able to have choices. Not to mention trying not to be in the same boat when our time comes around for our children.

Edited by CaliforniaDreaming, 17 October 2017 - 01:40 PM.


#36 Tibbie Dunbar

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:36 PM

We were recently reminded that all pretense of real relationship with my family is just a pretense. I'm effectively disowned, again...I've lived my entire life one hairs breadth away from losing their very, very conditional love, at least in those eras during which I haven't entirely lost their affection.

They have other children who have voluntarily stayed with their cult, forgiven childhood abuse and neglect, and have means to provide for their old age. So these people, the children they actually like, may take care of them. Right now, I'm not even planning on attending funerals of some of them. When a grandparents' last (sane) words to you are that you are (again, still) going to hell, you don't have to go to the funeral, right?

DH and I are only looking at responsibilities to our children and ourselves. We are within five years of getting all our kids launched, and then we will knuckle down and live as frugally as possible, working hard to save for our old age. We plan to enjoy the process - we like working hard and living simply - and so much hope we will be granted at least another twenty healthy years together. We deserve to be happy, and to take care of ourselves.
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#37 Seasider

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:51 PM

For the poster two posts above this one - I don't want to quote - you may walk away from everyone but your son. You really can. You desedrve some happiness, you are not on this earth to be a slave. No person is.


Echo. Every time I see your board name at the top of a post, I hope it will be news that your circumstances have improved.

#38 Margaret in CO

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:53 PM

All of our parents and grandparents are gone. We're at the other end of things than most of you, with dh and I in our 60's. My family split the relatives up--my brother had his in-laws (and still has one, but his kids are now grown and gone and he's retired, so they have some time), my sis had her in-laws and a stray uncle, but they're both gone now. She dealt with my dad as she was much closer (my mom has been gone for 40 years) and my stepmom had her kids. We got my in-laws and much drama there. But they're both now gone. Some of the in-laws were in good financial shape, and some were not. We made the decision that our children were not going to suffer for the in-laws who frittered away all their money. We BOUGHT the ranch, and all the money was gone. So, now we're at the other end with dh, with his cancer bills. His care will fall on me mostly, with dd here as backup. The rest of the kids are scattered all over: CA, IN, CO (for now, but he Commissions in a few months) and VT. None of them will be able to be much help--three in the military and one a professional musician traveling all over. 



#39 DawnM

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 01:58 PM

 My parents live in a facility where they can be independent and then can "graduate" into an apartment of more assisted care, all the way up to a full nursing home.  They bought into the plan so that their monthly cost includes later care as needed.

 

That is why they can't move.  They have been there for 15 years almost (moved in around age 70 and are now mid 80s).  If they moved, they would lose it.  No one can afford that.  

 

The problem is that we live in NC and they live in AZ.  That is one reason I was hoping to move back West, so we could be closer to them.  But I won't have to care for them.

 

I hope that we will not be a burden on our kids.  Most people live rather busy and somewhat transient lives.  DH's job could move him.  Or, he may have the option to move to advance, etc....we just don't know.  We moved to NC for a promotion and an opportunity.  I hope we will buy into a retirement place as well if we need to or that we have the finances to care for ourselves.


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#40 Twolittleboys

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:00 PM

I am an only child but both my parents are already deceased (and died fairly quickly once their health deteriorated) so this is not something in my future.



#41 jdahlquist

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:04 PM

In my family, we have found that it is very difficult to plan on what will be done.  I am not sure that people are just ignoring it until they get the phone call; it is more that we can't plan on when we will get that phone call or what the phone call will be.  DH is an only child and thought he would be in a situation of providing long-term care for both parents.  MIL died unexpectedly, then FIL married a much younger woman who would "take care of him."  When FIL became ill the younger woman decided she needed to go on vacation to Jamaica--so DH got that call, but had not been able to plan because FIL thought he had it all taken care of.  In the case of my cousins, it was always thought that the child who remained in the hometown would help take care of elderly parents--but then a sudden job change meant that child moved, so there went those plans...  I had a friend who would not move more than an hour's drive from her parents because they were older and she thought she would eventually take care of them--she died of cancer in her 30's... 


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#42 Elizabeth86

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:04 PM

It's going to depend I suppose. My sister is a sahw no kids. She would be most available to do this, but I am just not sure if she would. It would be my pleasure to care for my parents, I just hope we get a bigger house so we have roon if they ever need to live with someone. If my kids are small it is going to be HARD, but I would try. I just don't think I could put them in a nursing home. I honestly hope they are always able to live alone. That's my ultimate hope for life, the thought of someone having to care for me seems depressing. As for my inlaws, whatever dh decides. He is the only local kid, so it will be him or a home.

My parents are 69 and 73. Dh's are 77 and 79. So far so good. I hope they all live a good rest of their life. I dread seeing serious memory loss and the lack of independence with any of them. I hope it never comes to that. I felt so sorry for my Mamaw when she got like that. She was miserable.

#43 Scarlett

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:05 PM

My parents have 4 children between them.  My step sister and step brother are 2500 miles away and my stepbrother is disabled and lives in a nursing home.  He has very little time left to live. My brother lives a few hours from me (30 minutes from my parents) but he is not mentally stable and they would ask nothing of him.  He hasn't been to their home in probably 5 years.  So it will mostly fall to me.  They just bought a house in our  town so THANK GOD for that.  

 

My inlaws moved to be near their youngest dd several years ago.  

 

And we have no living grandparents.  



#44 skimomma

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:12 PM

This keeps me up at night.

 

Dh and I only have two living parents.  MIL is young and in good health.  She has her books and plans in order.  Dh is also one of three kids so I don't see an immediate need as being likely.  We'll cross that bridge much later, hopefully.

 

My mom is much older, in poor health, and is having rapidly progressing memory problems that are undiagnosed at this time.  Thankfully, she moved out of her large home and into a retirement community several years ago.  But the community does not have any sort of assistance so while we have less worry about stairs, maintenance, some meals, and housekeeping, there is no assistance for transportation, nursing, mobility, etc.....  In other words, she cannot live there once her physical or mental capacities falter significantly.  

 

I have one sibling who lives on the other side of the country and will not be able to help in any way.  I live ten hours away.  My mom is 100% unwilling to move to where I live.  We have never been close.  She says she has long term care insurance but I suspect the loopholes are big enough to drive a truck through.  She is not financially savvy and would have easily been talked into a policy that is not in her best interest.  There is a good chance that the policy does not actually exist.  We have discovered, far too late, that she was very much taken advantage of by the retirement community when she "purchased" her condo.  She is intensely private about her financial and health issues so my sister and I don't know much.  We know that she is almost out of money and has managed it poorly for years...partially due to her faltering memory.  She should not be driving anymore but cannot be talked into giving it up.  I don't blame her since her community provides no transportation service and she lives in an area that is not served by buses or reasonably-priced taxis.

 

She will not discuss what plans she may (or may not) have in place.  We do not know if she has a will or who the executor might be.  We don't know what assets she may have or how to access them should we need to.  She is a hoarder so physically finding anything will be a nightmare.  It is possible that she has lost control over or lost track of all of these things and will not discuss because she is embarrassed.  We know this to be true of her health problems, many of which may be due to lifestyle choices.  We don't know if she has plans for someone to have power of attorney should she need it.

 

All that said, she fully expects that we (my sister and I) will "take care of her" when needed.  She thinks one of us will move to her location to do this.  We have told her that this is not financially possible for either of us.  We both have jobs and need to work to keep our families above water.  Even if it were, neither one of us would last more than a week trying to live with her.  Neither of us have enough money to help significantly with care either.  We would do whatever we could but it likely will not be enough.  Sadly, I suspect that who will "take care of her" will be a county-run nursing home unless I am (hopefully) wrong about this long term care policy she says she has but won't let us see.

 

It is no good.



#45 Spryte

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:12 PM

I'm in the beginnings of this. Both ILs are in need of pretty heavy duty care. We did the first half of the year from 90 minutes away. MIL had five heart attacks in that time, plus pneumonia. And dementia, and kidney and heart disease. Both are uncontrolled diabetics. She had five lengthy hospital stays between Feb and June. DH used up all vacation time and then some. In that same time, FIL fell multiple times, and required a lot of assistance with doc appts. He is wheelchair bound and not independent. His brother retired early to help with his high care needs. He probably has dementia as well.

In July, we moved them closer to us. That assisted living facility would have met all their needs, and we were only six minutes away - and still we were working with their needs 3-4 times per week. They hated the environment though. So we've just moved them again. Thirty minutes away, and this facility is not as comprehensive, so we will need to do more for them - but they are happier.

I fully expect their care needs to be our family focus for years. 2 long distance sisters come to visit as they can.

My mother is being cared for by her SO, who is ten years her junior. They are doing ok for now. It's possible she will land with us at some point, too, though she'd have to live in with us. She's a trooper, and doing well.

So, yeh, I'm factoring elder care into all future plans.

#46 KungFuPanda

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:30 PM

I expect to care for my mother.  She cared for her father until he died is currently caring for her mother.  My mother is a wonderful lady.  As soon as she's ready to ditch the stepdad she can move in any time.  Seriously, we would all happily live with her.  She's 70, but in my family that's not old for women.  Mamaw just stopped living alone a few years ago in her late 80s.  Mom is sweet, funny, helpful, and not negative or annoying.  She's really the perfect roommate.  My brothers don't click with her like I do, but they did all of the heavy lifting with Dad, so I've got Mom.  I don't know what MIL is going to do.  She has four sons and nobody can stand to be around her for more than a day or so.  She's a bit nutty and negative and getting worse. She recently moved.  We tried to convince her to move a bit closer to us an her youngest son so we could assist her more when the time came, but she moved farther away as she's committed to living in only the whitest parts of NJ.  If she's not local or semi-local there's very little I can do. Between caring for my disabled son and calling dibs on my Mom, I sure hope nobody thinks it'll be me who steps up for MIL.  I know DH would never expect it, but who knows what is brothers are thinking IF they think about it at all.  



#47 Jane in NC

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:32 PM

My parents have passed away but, since I lived at a distance from them, the burden of their care was on my sister.  I am grateful for all she did. My in-laws passed away when my son was quite young.  My husband was involved with his mother's care and her estate and I supported him as I could.  But with a young son, I was not always able to drop everything and drive to another part of the state.

 

That said, I now have a great deal of flexibility in my life.  When friends have had surgeries, I am the one they can count on to fly in for at home assistance with cooking and cleaning during their recovery. 

 

This past summer I had a long conversation with a friend who is an only child about her parent's situation.  They should be in assisted living but are at the point where no facility would accept them.  They needed to be admitted several years ago before their current deterioration.  My friend is at wit's end. She wanted to tell me that as a parent of an only child, I should not expect my son to do what she is expected to do. 

 

Which I suppose raised another question:  Who is going to care for you when you are elderly?  Do we need a spin off thread?



#48 Sadie

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:33 PM

I would like to be able to care for either or both of my parents if they need care. They are pretty sprightly though. 

 

It's definitely in the back of my mind as something to take into account. It's part of the reason I'm not moving out of this crazy $$ city. 


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#49 kewb

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:36 PM

I already know I will be mother's caretaker if the time comes. Right now she is okay on her own.  Still has a marbles and for the most part her health is well for a woman about to be 80.

My in-laws have other children to take care of them.



#50 StephanieZ

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 02:36 PM

My parents are both deceased. I was their caregiver when they needed it. My (only) brother and I shared financial responsibilities as needed, but I was the one who did the hands on work. That was the practical way, as I lived near them and didn't work (for pay) while he lived across the country and works FT. I wanted it that way, and it was the right thing to do. I don't regret a minute.

 

 

I don't have any additional aging relatives that don't have their own kids and money to take care of themselves as they age.

 

Dh has two parents, both still alive. Dh has 4 siblings, 2 of whom live close to the parents (we don't) and are very involved with their parents. We aren't close to his parents, by his parents' choice and design, as they've always been move involved in their own lives (golfing, etc) than with us and our kids, so we have a distant but cordial relationship. There is no way I'd be involved in day to day care taking of them . . . But, we'd pitch in financially and/or with respite care if they ultimately needed assistance in those ways. They are good people and they raised dh, so we'd do our duty by them if needed, but no way would it be living with or even close to them. There are 5 kids, 3 of whom (us included) are financially solvent/comfortable, and 1 more who is not well off but is stable and responsible and lives in the same neighborhood as the parents do (and #5 is just an ass in addition to not being financially solvent nor responsible) . . . So, anyway, I could imagine the 4 responsible siblings needing to cooperate financially/practically to support one or both of them at some point . . . They have high SS income and some savings/assets, but not a huge amount, so someday, it might run dry, but hopefully there'll be enough to make it fairly easy -- with the good SS income -- for the "solvent" siblings to supplement financially if necessary, especially if the 4th (responsible but pretty limited financial means) sibling was doing a lot of the practical day to day care taking . . .