Difficulties with family

[leeannpal]

. I have a 15 year old daughter with ADHD, ODD, and SPD. We are homeschooling because the classroom is definitely not the environment for her. I guess I am needing a little support because my ex-husband and most of my immediate family do not understand her issues or even really believe there is a problem. My ex-husband knows the problem is real, but he would rather pop in for fun times than deal with problems. Does anyone else get angry or bitter when family refuses to acknowledge your child's issues? I especially struggle with one of my sisters (a doctor no less) who is constantly bragging about all the things her neurotypical kids are doing. She implies that my kid could too if I were a better mother. She has even somewhat convinced my parents that I am making some of her problems up. How do I deal with this when I am her only real advocate, and I feel guilty enough all the time that my daughter struggles with these issues?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Stop talking to them about her issues. Talk to sympathetic people like those on the Learning Challenges board who are in the trenches with you.

 

 

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[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I agree with Jean.  Sadly that is probably your best option for now.  Don't share ANYTHING of her issues with your family right now.  It will undermine your confidence and harm you emotionally.  Seek support from those who are in the trenches, too.  Come here or join the private chat group for parents of teens and tweens that struggle with academics in some way.  If you want to become a member just post in this thread and I will send you an invite.

 

Although it is painful and lonely to do so, you need to try and find a way to accept that your family members are not in a place to understand or maybe even in a place where they are willing to try.  It is human nature to want to find reasons that are controllable for when something goes wrong.  Believing that your child has issues that were NOT caused by bad parenting means they were caused by problems that are possibly not something controllable.  That's scary.  People don't want to deal with that.  Much easier to point fingers and take a holier than thou attitude.  

 

As for your ex, he probably has no idea how to cope with the actual issues.  So he sticks his head in the sand until he can just do the fun stuff, then runs away again before he is asked to deal with the hard stuff.  It is common.  Unfortunate, but common.  You are his option out.  You are the primary care giver I assume so he doesn't have to cope in a deeper way.  And may not be capable of coping.  

 

FWIW, support in my family was non-existent at first but eventually my mother was on board.  DH?  Its been a rocky road.  Our relationship is not what it once was.  We try but he struggles with this.  I cannot share ANY struggles the kids are having.  NONE.  That was a hard place to end up.  DH and I used to be best friends.  We shared everything.  We still care.  We still love each other.  But this is one area that we cannot seem to fix.  So I had to walk away from the idea that I could ever see him as my partner in this.

 

Even when things are going well, he resents us homeschooling and he resents the kids having any academic struggles so he sees even positives as negatives.  He finds something negative in everything we do.  For example, DD woke up Saturday morning, came down stairs and asked if we could work on math together.  She is profoundly dyscalculic (among other things) and math has been a HUGE struggle for her for all of her academic life.  It was a long, hard haul but we now have a very positive relationship, even when doing math, a subject that is tremendously difficult for her.  Her coming to me and asking if we could work on some math together was a really nice moment.

 

What that moment said to me:  My daughter is mature enough that she recognizes when something is challenging that there may be ways to make it less so if she is willing to brainstorm and work through some of the tougher stuff.  2.  She can trust me not to overload her but I am here to help when she needs it.  3.  She cares about her future and wants to work to gain important life skills that will hopefully help her down the road.  4.  She and I have a much better relationship now than we did when we first started this journey.  She no longer immediately goes into fight or flight mode when things get stressful.  Her coming to me put things on her terms and at 17 she needs that for her emotional stability.

 

And we really did have a good morning working through math.  I never thought, when we started this journey, that such a thing would be possible.  So many tears.  So much stress/anxiety/anger/fear/sorrow/bitterness.  By the time DD hit 4th grade she was heading into clinical depression.  By 5th grade she felt life was pointless.  When I pulled her out to homeschool for 6th we had some really rocky years.  But we prevailed.  Things aren't easy but they are a heck of a lot easier.  And our time together is filled far more with smiles and laughter now, even when tackling hard things.  I find that remarkable and I am eternally grateful.  I made the mistake of sharing with DH about our really pleasant (and even fun at times) morning working on math yesterday.  I know better.  I just slipped up.  I wanted to share a happy moment with him about one of our kids.  

 

What did DH take from our working on math on a Saturday?  1.  I'm a horrible parent for making DD do math on Saturday (irrelevant that she asked me, not the other way around).  2.  DD must be so bored and lonely because I keep her from being in school that she is desperate for something to do, even math on a Saturday (even though SHE chose to continue to homeschool since we couldn't get her into the specialized school for kids with learning challenges).  3.  Our relationship is unhealthy because she and I are now very close while lots of his coworkers have terrible relationships with their teenagers.  And so on. 

 

Our conversation devolved into the blame game again.  I withdrew. I simply ceased to speak.  Nothing I said was making a positive impact.  

 

Is it logical?  No.  But it is our reality.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to you OP.  Try to find support mechanisms through people who actually are dealing with similar circumstances.  Others just aren't going to understand.

 

[Heathermomster]

I don't discuss my children with extended family and rarely send pictures. I also don't actively engage with anyone that undermines DH or me, especially extended family members. I am not plagued with guilt nor am I above telling my sibling to bugger off.

Edited October 2, 2017 by Heathermomster

[summerreading]

You have to set boundaries like "Since you are not supportive of me or even refuse to acknowledge what DD is dealing with, this topic is now off limits."

 

Your sister sounds toxic. She knows your child is struggling but brags, undermines you and triangulates. I would give her very limited info or none at all.

Edited October 2, 2017 by summerreading

[PeterPan]

I suppose the easiest way to solve things with your parents would be for you to take a cruise and leave fun bunches 15 with them. ;)  I joke that if someone kidnapped my ds, they'd get down the road a bit and bring him back. ;)  I know that's not really true, that nasty people are out there, but some kids it takes a while with and people are like OH MY. 

 

It's very hard to look deep in your soul and put on some confidence armor. Like the others, I'm gonna say you need to be really careful who you talk to. I talk to a lady whose 82, because by 82 she's seen enough to have a lot of perspective. About men, well let's just say she would hear what you wrote here and say that's how men are. Let's just say I've had other people tell me that too. It's way easier to run and hide and want to be the low demand, easy, fun parent than it is to do HARD THINGS and make demands and teach and get them to a better place. Therapists, teaching parents, these are people doing hard work, making demands, and sometimes it gets ugly and is fatiguing. 

 

ODD is not an easy thing to deal with. I would make sure you're getting all the help you can. Maybe she would qualify for services or funding through your county board of developmental disabilities to get you some respite care? Even if it was just enough to get you one hour of social thinking instruction a week, it would be an hour of break for you.

 

When she was in school before, was it ps or private? Did she go through the IEP process? At our ps here, ED students mainstream back in for high school, but they still receive services. So I talk with the SLP servicing them, and she's working with high schoolers on Interroception, etc. Fwiw, I think the new Mighteor software system by Neuromotion is better than doing the book version of Interroception. It might be something to look into. We've made progress with Mighteor that I never expected to see, and it was very simple to implement. If you can find the $229 (using coupon code Zones20), it might be worth a try. 

[City Mouse]

I would find a different support system, and not share struggles with the family members. That is what I have had to do. My mother doesn't understand or want to understand the "difficult" stuff. So now when she's asks how the kids are doing, I gave a generic, bland reply "same as always"

 

Also, most people who are bragging about their own kids are just bragging. They are self-adsorbed at that moment and are not thinking about your (my) kid at all.

 

I have a friend who I can go to when I need sympathy and support. Her kids are similar to mine and we face similar problems. We can bounce things off each other or just vent. I can't do that with my extended family.