maize Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 My grandfathers mother died in childbirth. I am certain he was not adopted. Was she in a hospital? Switched at birth would be a possibility in that case! Not the most likely explanation, but not impossible. Who do you know of on your grandfather's side of the family who has tested and ought to be showing up as a match but is not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 How upsetting! The important thing for her to remember is that her father was still her father, and this test doesn’t change that even if she had a different biological father. I’m curious and want to do the testing, but I’m also kind of nervous to try it because of privacy concerns. An older relative who died years ago did extensive genealogy research on my maternal grandfather’s side of the family as well as a lot of work for the historical society. She hit a dead end in one of our family lines and suspected it had been intentionally kept a secret. I bet she would have been fascinated by this tool. I'm using DNA genealogy to try to break through a few brick walls. No Eureka! moments yet but some tantalizing clues (like a whole gaggle of relatives in Sweden...) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 Was she in a hospital? Switched at birth would be a possibility in that case! Not the most likely explanation, but not impossible. Who do you know of on your grandfather's side of the family who has tested and ought to be showing up as a match but is not? We know a lot about them. My mom was very close to them growing up. And now too. My grandfather was born in 1898. I am certain he was not adopted. My mom has been doing genealogy work for 30 years. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 My mom is not upset. She is curious and feels she can identify him. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 My mom did the dna test and uploaded it to ancestery.com Turns out the man she thought was her father isn't. Apparently it is happening a lot. :ohmy: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I don't think this is unusual at all. I know someone very close to me who is probably not related to her "dad." I think all the people involved know it, but none of them has ever mentioned it around me. I won't be encouraging that person to do the DNA tests. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 We know a lot about them. My mom was very close to them growing up. And now too. My grandfather was born in 1898. I am certain he was not adopted. My mom has been doing genealogy work for 30 years. But have your grandfather's relatives tested with ancestry? In any case, if your mom hasn't yet uploaded to GEDMATCH and other sites that will let her compare her results with those from other services she ought to. Widening the net will give her more pieces to the puzzle. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Was she in a hospital? Switched at birth would be a possibility in that case! Not the most likely explanation, but not impossible. Who do you know of on your grandfather's side of the family who has tested and ought to be showing up as a match but is not? But if she was switched at birth in the hospital the DNA tests wouldn't show that her maternal relatives as matches, and I thought she said they did. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 But if she was switched at birth in the hospital the DNA tests wouldn't show that her maternal relatives as matches, and I thought she said they did. I think she was suggesting that my grand father might be switched at birth. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I think she was suggesting that my grand father might be switched at birth. Do you know of any 1st cousins who are matches? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 Do you know of any 1st cousins who are matches? Yes. She has many matches of first cousins on her moms side. No matches to assumed fathers side.....there is at least one first cousin showing up---a stranger. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoVanGogh Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 DH and his siblings found out when they were in their 40's that the oldest sibling had a different father. We all had known for years MIL was pregnant when they got married but we had no idea she was pregnant by a different man. Talk about a skeleton falling out of the closet. But - in an era where unmarried pregnant women were shunned - it isn't surprising that many hid who the father was. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Yes. She has many matches of first cousins on her moms side. No matches to assumed fathers side.....there is at least one first cousin showing up---a stranger. It is unusual to have many first cousin matches--her mom's side must be very into genealogy! Many people don't have any matches closer than 4th or 5th cousin unless they specifically ask family members to test. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 It is unusual to have many first cousin matches--her mom's side must be very into genealogy! Many people don't have any matches closer than 4th or 5th cousin unless they specifically ask family members to test. My grandmother was one of 12. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 :ohmy: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 It is certainly a possibility--requesting the original marriage licence might shed some light on things. My grandma had an aunt who always listed her step father as her dad--her real father was divorced from her mom when she was just a baby and as far as most people knew she belonged to the step dad. You can find the real story through court documents though (and, in her case, the newspaper as well). It doesn't sound like the possibility of dad being an adoptee (therefor not showing up as biologically related to others in his family) has been ruled out yet though either. it's amazing the things that will show up in original documents...... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Overall, these things can get quite dicey. Dh had a test done but has not had any surprises. I imagine it can get a little complicated when you have come up on something mysterious and the only way to sort it out is having another person get tested...but that person does not care to know the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Question: Dh did his test through Family Search. Can he link it with ancestry or any other database? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Exactly, maize--hence my airquote on "off". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 She does have some of her dads family who tested. I don't know the details of how many or whatever. But they are not connected to her by DNA at all. Whereas the people on her moms side that she knows ar relatives connect her to a bunch of people who also show up in the genealogy research as related to her. She has always been told she was 6 months old when her parents got married. Her dad came back to where her mom lived to marry her. Turns out he had gone back to where he was from to get a divorce from a wife he had been seperated from for 10 years. Mom has verified this through documents. She has been doing genealogy for a long long time. Like 30 years. Mom is on that private board called DNA detective. She said they have a saying.....people lie....DNA doesn't. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 Question: Dh did his test through Family Search. Can he link it with ancestry or any other database? Yes I think he can link it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 She does have some of her dads family who tested. I don't know the details of how many or whatever. But they are not connected to her by DNA at all. Whereas the people on her moms side that she knows ar relatives connect her to a bunch of people who also show up in the genealogy research as related to her. She has always been told she was 6 months old when her parents got married. Her dad came back to where her mom lived to marry her. Turns out he had gone back to where he was from to get a divorce from a wife he had been seperated from for 10 years. Mom has verified this through documents. She has been doing genealogy for a long long time. Like 30 years. Mom is on that private board called DNA detective. She said they have a saying.....people lie....DNA doesn't. With these circumstances, I bet her dad always knew she wasn't his biologically, and didn't care. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 With these circumstances, I bet her dad always knew she wasn't his biologically, and didn't care. Maybe. I hope he knew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Maybe. I hope he knew. Really? Why would it matter? They were happy, right? But geneology is totally not my thing. I see so many issues with this. What about closed adoptions?? If I gave a child for adoption and wanted to be done with it, don't I have that right? And, if two people want to keep secret the fact that a child might not be Dad's, what does that hurt? But, again, geneology is totally not my cuppa. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wabi Sabi Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 On what she thought was her deathbed (it wasn't- she ended up living for another 15 years) my MIL confessed to dh that "your dad wasn't really your father." Turns out that he is the result of an affair- she was married and his biological father was married to someone else as well. We know the name of his biological father now, and he's an evangelical minister with quite a few other children with his wife of 50+ years (my dh would be the youngest of his children.) To the best of our knowledge, dh is a secret to his bio-father's side of the family and on one else knows he exists. I got an ancestry.com DNA test for Christmas last year and the kids want to get dh one this year so that they can combine our two profiles to get a better picture of their heritage. When I did my test it was fascinating to see the various distant cousins that it found for me, but the first thing I thought of with regard to my dh is the drama it could cause (his bio-father, ironically enough, is really into genealogy.) If dh does an DNA test we'll have to make sure to not include his results in the registry lest his bio-siblings and other biological relatives get quite a shock! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) On what she thought was her deathbed (it wasn't- she ended up living for another 15 years) my MIL confessed to dh that "your dad wasn't really your father." Turns out that he is the result of an affair- she was married and his biological father was married to someone else as well. We know the name of his biological father now, and he's an evangelical minister with quite a few other children with his wife of 50+ years (my dh would be the youngest of his children.) To the best of our knowledge, dh is a secret to his bio-father's side of the family and on one else knows he exists. I got an ancestry.com DNA test for Christmas last year and the kids want to get dh one this year so that they can combine our two profiles to get a better picture of their heritage. When I did my test it was fascinating to see the various distant cousins that it found for me, but the first thing I thought of with regard to my dh is the drama it could cause (his bio-father, ironically enough, is really into genealogy.) If dh does an DNA test we'll have to make sure to not include his results in the registry lest his bio-siblings and other biological relatives get quite a shock! Exactly!! And what is the point of dropping that kind of bomb on a person after years of happy family life? What good can come of it? Unless there are medical issues, I say let sleeping dogs lie. Edited September 28, 2017 by Moxie 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancingmama Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Wabi Sabi, if the Bio-father is into genealogy, it may be he's trying to find him. It's important to know your bio family's medical history and it's important to know who you are not biologically related to so you don't confuse your medical issues with someone else's line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wabi Sabi Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Wabi Sabi, if the Bio-father is into genealogy, it may be he's trying to find him. It's important to know your bio family's medical history and it's important to know who you are not biologically related to so you don't confuse your medical issues with someone else's line. We've had a tiny bit (minimal) contact with him the last few years, so he knows where we are and how to get in touch. We let him know when my MIL was very sick and he visited her in the hospital and nursing home, and I called to let him know when she died a couple of months ago. He didn't come to the funeral but did send flowers. My dh is adamant that he really has no interest in pursuing any relationship with that side of the family, but I have to admit that the kids and I are very curious (yes, our kids know the entire story too.) His mom and dad (the man who raised him, not bio-father) were only children and are both deceased, and dh is an only child as well, so dh and our kids are the last living branches of the family tree on both sides: no aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no one else. Seeing as my kids have no grandparents or cousins, they're actually quite interested in learning more about this side of the family. Right now I suppose we need to abide by dh's wishes, but I see no reason why they can't initiate contact themselves once they are older. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 Really? Why would it matter? They were happy, right? But geneology is totally not my thing. I see so many issues with this. What about closed adoptions?? If I gave a child for adoption and wanted to be done with it, don't I have that right? And, if two people want to keep secret the fact that a child might not be Dad's, what does that hurt? But, again, geneology is totally not my cuppa. The Truth is important. If he didn't know his entire life with her was built on a lie. And no I don't believe anyone has a right to keep a child's parentage from them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) Regretting I posted, so I've deleted. It was too personal. My apologies. Edited September 28, 2017 by Halftime Hope Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Yeah, imagine finding out you have half-siblings that nobody told you about ... especially if those half-siblings are people you know. And what if a child was the result of a rape .... Very sticky stuff that technology can dredge up. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 That would shocking to find in your own family, but not in general. I read a meta-study that said that the Daddies that think they are the daddy of a particular kid, are wrong 12% of the time. That was consistent across race and income and included studies from several different countries. I read about a teacher in England that was demonstrating gene inheritance by having the kids bring in their and their parent's blood types. One third of the kids found out that their daddy couldn't be their daddy. Although some/many of the daddies likely knew that they weren't the daddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Yes. She was the oldest of 6. She thought he was her father. Was he there for her emotionally? Was he a decent Dad? Did he do the dad things in raising her? Have any of the other siblings been tested and shown to be his biological child, and only related to her as half-siblings? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 The Truth is important. If he didn't know his entire life with her was built on a lie. And no I don't believe anyone has a right to keep a child's parentage from them. Gosh, I strongly disagree. If my mother told me today that Neighbor Joe was my real father, I can only see heartache coming from that and not much good. It is just shared DNA. Not important to me in the slightest. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 Well I agree it would be heart ache if you found that out today. But what would the heart ache be from? To me it would be from knowing I have been lied to my entire life. It would not be from my DNA being different than what I always thought it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 28, 2017 Author Share Posted September 28, 2017 Was he there for her emotionally? Was he a decent Dad? Did he do the dad things in raising her? Have any of the other siblings been tested and shown to be his biological child, and only related to her as half-siblings? He was there for her. He was a good dad. Not perfect. But good. He was 47 years old when my mom was born and then five more came after that. So he was tired I think but he love them. And no the other siblings have not yet been tested. There are only three of the six left. My mom's younger sister said she would test 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeaganS Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I have a friend who works for the customer service at ancestry.com in this area. She has some crazy stories. It is very common that these tests end up shaking people up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Are there really adults naive enough to be shocked when a family story doesn't turn out to be completely true? Are there people genuinely not aware that social norms of the past caused many people to lie about out of wedlock conceptions from fornication, adultery and rape, adoption-legal and under the table, and sperm donations both medical and private ? Are there people who really believe that every legal document is an accurate reflection of every situation? I guess I just don't understand how it is that people are shocked to find out that back in the day someone lied to cover up these kinds of issues, and that if it can happen in someone else's family, it can happen in theirs. Maybe I'm just too aware of my own family's poorly hidden skeletons and incredibly complex structure in divorces and remarriages to relate to others being surprised by theirs.Maybe there needs to be a disclaimer at these DNA sites and services like, "Assume nothing; prepare for everything." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Are there really adults naive enough to be shocked when a family story doesn't turn out to be completely true? Are there people genuinely not aware that social norms of the past caused many people to lie about out of wedlock conceptions from fornication, adultery and rape, adoption-legal and under the table, and sperm donations both medical and private ? Are there people who really believe that every legal document is an accurate reflection of every situation? I guess I just don't understand how it is that people are shocked to find out that back in the day someone lied to cover up these kinds of issues, and that if it can happen in someone else's family, it can happen in theirs. Maybe I'm just too aware of my own family's poorly hidden skeletons and incredibly complex structure in divorces and remarriages to relate to others being surprised by theirs. Maybe there needs to be a disclaimer at these DNA sites and services like, "Assume nothing; prepare for everything." Perhaps not necessarily naivete but more of a "I thought I knew these people and now I found out they have told me lies" can be a bit rocky. After all our parents - the people who raised us - are in many ways our foundation and being lied to is always a breach of trust. However, in Regentrude's SO thread regarding "Would you want to know?" I replied perhaps not because at this stage in life I am not looking to add more potential complications. If I found out I had siblings I would likely not reach out, however, if they reached out I may reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 Are there really adults naive enough to be shocked when a family story doesn't turn out to be completely true? Are there people genuinely not aware that social norms of the past caused many people to lie about out of wedlock conceptions from fornication, adultery and rape, adoption-legal and under the table, and sperm donations both medical and private ? Are there people who really believe that every legal document is an accurate reflection of every situation? I guess I just don't understand how it is that people are shocked to find out that back in the day someone lied to cover up these kinds of issues, and that if it can happen in someone else's family, it can happen in theirs. Maybe I'm just too aware of my own family's poorly hidden skeletons and incredibly complex structure in divorces and remarriages to relate to others being surprised by theirs. Maybe there needs to be a disclaimer at these DNA sites and services like, "Assume nothing; prepare for everything." There are warnings at 23andme. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I had to stop my geneology work for a while because I was uncovering what must have been family secrets, and it was a bit depressing. I had very few, "Oh, cool!" discoveries and a lot of, "Oh, wow" ones. yeah, even documents can uncover. oh. my. goodness. :ohmy: skeletons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I have been finding some skeletons in my family tree, but I knew some of them existed before I started looking. I think that makes a difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 I don't understand your question. The person (unknown to her until she saw his profile) shows to match her dna to the degree that show them to be first cousins. He has no connections at all to her maternal side of the family. And my mom has many. it could be that that person is adopted. Are there any relatives at all from your mom's dad-who-raised her on there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 29, 2017 Author Share Posted September 29, 2017 it could be that that person is adopted. Are there any relatives at all from your mom's dad-who-raised her on there? I don't know. All I know is she has a ton of hits but none of them have any connection at all to her dads side of the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 29, 2017 Author Share Posted September 29, 2017 it could be that that person is adopted. Are there any relatives at all from your mom's dad-who-raised her on there? What do you mean he could be adopted? she is still related to him in a first cousin level.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 What do you mean he could be adopted? she is still related to him in a first cousin level.... If he were adopted his family tree might not be accurate (i.e. he could in fact be related to your mom's dad (unknown child of dad's aunt or uncle who was adopted out) without that being apparent from the tree) Based on the other information you have given (relatives of dad have tested but are not showing up as matches) that seems an unlikely explanation though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callie Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 I don't think this is unusual at all. I know someone very close to me who is probably not related to her "dad." I think all the people involved know it, but none of them has ever mentioned it around me. I won't be encouraging that person to do the DNA tests. :P I also don't think it is unusual. Both my mil & fil found out as older adults that who they thought were their fathers were not. My dh did not know his stepfather wasn't his bio father until he was 13. It has to be more common than we think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 29, 2017 Author Share Posted September 29, 2017 If he were adopted his family tree might not be accurate (i.e. he could in fact be related to your mom's dad (unknown child of dad's aunt or uncle who was adopted out) without that being apparent from the tree) Based on the other information you have given (relatives of dad have tested but are not showing up as matches) that seems an unlikely explanation though. Right. He is not the only one showing up as related, just the closest. And no 'known' relatives on paternal side are showing At this point it is statistically impossible that her dad is her bio dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 21, 2017 Author Share Posted October 21, 2017 (edited) My mom called me today. She said she was so glad I was her daughter. And she was glad we have our faith and that she had been truthful to me. Lomg story short, she connected with a half sister through the DNA Match. The half sister who is in her 80s is sure my mom is her half sister. My mom has 14 half siblings. Unreal. Please. Don't lie to your children. Edited October 21, 2017 by A Red Color 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 (edited) wow, that would be a shocking discovery for sure! So she has a name for her bio dad now? Edited October 21, 2017 by maize Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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