WWYD? Nephew

[SunshineMom]

My nephew is 15.5yrs old, 5'6ft and only weighs 94lbs.  I am worried about him, he is just skin and bones.  My SIL doesn't seem worried. I have mentioned my concerns over the years here and there to my MIL but everyone just keeps saying, "oh, he'll grow, don't worry."  I am worried he has an underlining medical issue.  WWYD?

[heartlikealion]

Does he get annual check ups? Maybe the dr said not to worry so she's dismissive. Or maybe they are working on it but don't want to discuss it.

[catz]

Does he have regular well child visits?  Does he seem otherwise fine?  I have a kid who is 5'9" about 110 lbs.  Some teens boys are just very skinny and lean.  He just saw his ped for vax and well teen visit.  She had no issue. 

 

You've expressed some concerns to no avail.  I really don't think you should do anything it all.  I have to admit it annoys the heck out of me when my MIL drones on and on about how skinny my kid is and how he needs to eat more.  Meh - he's fine.  I have obesity on my side of the family.  I don't think it really helps his body image to hear that garbage.  Everyone's body is unique.  Unless you think there is actual neglect going on and you have hard evidence, I think you should stay out of it.

[athomeontheprairie]

I'm also wondering about check ups?

I have four kids. Three are in the 80%, the fourth? Barely 20%, and we struggle to keep him there. For nearly two years we ran a long battery of tests and saw doctors monthly (at the time he was in the 3rd percentile). Now the doctors aren't worried, but he's really thin. We don't worry... But we watch. And I don't discuss his health issues outside of dh. (Except here, for the world to read :) ).

If he's seeing a doctor and they have no concerns, I'd leave it alone.

[Janeway]

I would stop worrying. It is probably starting to really bother your SIL that you keep bringing it up. Some kids are just skinny. And even if something were wrong, alienating SIL by bringing this up and bringing it up with other people like that will not put you in a position to help. It will just keep her on the defensive and give her the feeling that you are gossiping, trying to tell her she is a bad parent, and just generally undermining her.

[VaKim]

I'd leave it alone. Unless he is otherwise ill in some way, he is probably just growing up instead of out right now. I have known many males, including my DH and a nephew, who looked like walking skeletons until they reached their mid 20s. He is only 15. Boys are not physically mature until their 20s.

[Janeway]

In fact, my older sister, who is not married and has no children, thinks home schooling is a horrible thing and amounts to abuse and should be made illegal and parents should have their children away if they do it and the parents should be placed in jail. She also thinks kids who had been home schooled should not be allowed to go to college. 

 

So when she came to town for the funeral, my children actually came to me and specifically requested that we tell her that they still home school. 

 

The point is, if you keep giving your sister a hard time and talking to others about her behind her back like that in an attempt to get support for your opinion, you will more likely get her to not like you much and to limit nephew's exposure to you and she will make sure you do not find out if there is anything wrong. And frankly, for all you know, he might be under a doctor's care for this weight thing. But she is not telling you because she no longer feels she can trust you.

[DawnM]

My husband was 6' and 125-130 most of his teens and 20s.  In his 20s he hired a personal trainer and got up to 145-150, gaining weight ON PURPOSE (the idea is such a foreign concept to me!)

 

People were always making comments and it really upset him.   He ate a lot, and tried to gain, he just couldn't.  Doctor said he was fine, but people commented all the time and he still talks about it (he is 50), so honestly, I would let it be and think it is none of my business.

[Meriwether]

My son is about 5'4" and weights about 80 pounds. He is 13. At his last well child check his BMI was 13.  13. He wasn't even on the BMI chart. When the nurse told me, I was tripping all over myself trying to assure her that he eats and that his daddy was skinny, too. She interrupted me to tell me that the law changed and she is required to tell me but that he has been in this range for years (no surprise to me). The doctor isn't worried about it.

[bethben]

I have a 12 year old-5'7" and I think he's 108 lbs. his brother was also tall and very thin at that age. The older ds is 17 and he filled out.

 

 

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[gardenmom5]

I'd leave it alone. Unless he is otherwise ill in some way, he is probably just growing up instead of out right now. I have known many males, including my DH and a nephew, who looked like walking skeletons until they reached their mid 20s. He is only 15. Boys are not physically mature until their 20s.

 

not just boys.  2dd was super skinny (or as dh would say, extra-long, super-scrawny) all through her childhood and into her teens. I could easily count her ribs.    her dh complains she can eat him under the table and is still slim, whereas he needs to pay attention for his weight.

I was there when her employer was doing a health fair so she had to do a fasting glucose test.. . she cannot fast, it makes her ill, so she ate a granola bar beforehand... her glucose levels were STILL as low as they would have expected for a healthy level of someone who was fasting.

 

My son who has the same body type as her, was also super slim as a teen.

 

my niece had almost no body fat growing up - it was actually hard for her to swim because of it.

[Mommyof1]

Barring any health issue, he's just skinny. He may fill out with age or not.

 

My DH family keeps commenting on our DD4 being skinny. The kids on his side were/are always chunky. My family the kids are/were always skinny.

 

I had one family member told she would gain weight after she had babies. Nope, she had several and has remind the same size her entire adult life.

[Okra]

This is not your problem. I would keep my mouth shut.

Just because a child is thin doesn't mean there is anything wrong.

 

I looked back at records and my 14 year old was 5'3" and 87 pounds at the time. He is perfectly fine. At 19 he is still thin, but filled in some.

 

There are skinny people in our family. Your meddling would make me Highly irritated.

 

So, please stop speaking up about someone that is not your child. If you have expressed concern once than that is enough.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Okra

[Word Nerd]

I was annoyed when my aunt tried to convince my mom I was anorexic when I was younger. I know she meant well, but she was also clueless about my eating habits and health.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Word Nerd

[catz]

Barring any health issue, he's just skinny. He may fill out with age or not.

 

My DH family keeps commenting on our DD4 being skinny. The kids on his side were/are always chunky. My family the kids are/were always skinny.

 

 

I've noticed that families with bigger builds will be more likely to say something about the skinny kid.  My son has 2 friends in his age range that are built exactly like him.  It's not that unusual.

 

I lost weight when I went to college and I had people insinuate I was anorexic blah blah blah.  No - I took up running and decided not to buy junk food to have around which my mom always bought and had around the house.  I was leaner.  No one would say that now - lol.

 

I think there are a very small and finite number of situations when you should comment on someone else's body ever. 

[Elizabeth86]

If his dr. isnt worried, I am sure he is fine.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My son is 12, 5'6ish", and barely holding onto 100lbs. He was 107 right before summer, but he swam that off in a week.

 

What else concerns you? Is he lethargic?

[Guest]

What is your worry? Just the fact of being very thin? Drugs? Tape worm?

 

I just ask because I think you need to be more specific.

[displace]

Unfortunately, there is little or nothing you can do. Even if there is a medical problem, you can't take care of it.

 

Short of helping underlying problems (no access to doctors, no transportation, executive function problems), there's nothing you can do. If you've already brought up your concerns and they were dismissed, that's all that can be done.

[Arcadia]

My husband is skinny. His paternal grandparents and dad and some paternal aunts are skinny. The rest of the paternal aunts are stocky. His siblings and his mom are stocky too. He has been nag about being skinny even now. He had tried most of the weight gaining milk in his teens and college days and nothing worked.

 

My relatives are either skinny or stocky. My dad and his brothers helped in my paternal grandfather’s blacksmith shop after school and they are all stocky. My paternal aunts are a mixed. My cousins and I grew up in the automation era and most of us are skinny. Same for my nephews and nieces.

 

So genetic wise, probability of my nephews and nieces children being skinny is high, stocky is lower, neither skinny nor stocky is very low.

 

My kids are skinny. The pediatricians just look at me and didn’t bother saying anything. When they see my husband, they just joke that the chance of our kids being stocky is low. My husband and I only started gaining some weight after we turned 44.

 

A few of my middle school (all girls school) classmates have late puberty. They started growing taller when they were in college. It runs in their family. They don’t need growth hormones or any special diet. They just start late.

[TechWife]

. If you believe that his parents are withholding food from him for abusive purposes, then you need to call social services. Otherwise, what your nephew weighs is none of your business. I'm at a loss to figure out why you think it is, but I don't understand our national obsession with weight, either.

[Selkie]

I have one son who has always been very slim. That's just how he is built. In fact, at one of his first checkups as a baby, the doctor said, "This kid is going to grow up to be long and lean!" He was right - he's 6'2" and weighs around 130 at age 17.

 

That same doctor once told me that he is frustrated by how many people try to fatten up kids who are naturally slim. He said that heavier kids have come to be seen by many as the new normal, and skinnier kids get told that they need to gain weight when in fact they are perfectly healthy.  

[Beaniemom]

My son is only 9 but has always been thin. He had his own growth curve beneth the chart. He does have underlying medical issues but we are on top of it. It is annoying when people harp on ds's weight. Even if there is a medical issue OP, it is your nephew and his parent's business. I don't go around telling people outside those who live in my house about our medical decisions because it's not their business. OP, unless you suspect abuse, you ought to stay out of it.

[SporkUK]

As someone who was a similar size at that age (5'5" and maybe 90 pounds sopping wet), if I felt I had a good enough relationship, I would ask the child in question how they feel about it and take it from there. A 15-year-old likely knows how they feel and what they want you to think about it.  Even if it's nothing, knowing someone is willing to listen about it can be wonderfully freeing. 

 

All 15 year old me wanted was an adult who would listen, take me seriously, and help. I would have loved if any of my family members had cared to ask and support me with it. What I got was a bunch of adults gossiping that I must have an eating disorder, compliment me on staying so slim and ~healthy~ and warn me to keep it that way, or looking the other way because I wasn't their business. It sucked, I couldn't figure out why I rarely felt hungry and why it was so difficult to eat sometimes, my access to food fluctuated a lot, and my physical skills, particularly my stamina, was shot before I left high school after having previously been able to walk for several hours at my leisure. Everyone noticed it, my classmates made snide remarks all the time as did more than a few staff members. I started hiding both my boniness and the few secondary sex characters I had in baggy clothes because I felt so weak and vulnerable, attempting and failing at the school gym and sports to be stronger, and my joints starting hurting and clicking which I was told was likely the result of being overtrained when younger. I learned very fast not to talk about it at all or I would be ridiculed. 

 

I would be 28, having gone through 4 pregnancies where my low weight put me in a high-risk category before anyone noticed my weight was a medical problem...after I suddenly gained over 6 kilos in 6 months and hadn't noticed because of everything else. It took my endocrine imploding with failing ovaries sending the rest of my body into a tailspin for anyone to see anything other than a skinny person who should be grateful they can eat anything and stay so trim. I still sometimes wish for the strong body I wanted in high school, but I'm having to deal with a lot of the damage not knowing has caused first. I really wish anyone would have cared enough to make me their business when I was in middle school or high school to ask me how I felt about my weight. 

[Tanaqui]

Let me get this straight.

 

You've spoken to the parents. Once was probably within the bounds of good manners, given that you're related and you were worried about his health. However, it sounds like you've done it more than once. Then, since you didn't get the answer you wanted, you tattled on them to all the relatives. You still didn't get the answer you wanted, and now you're here.

 

Do you believe the parents are starving him?  If so, please stop talking to random people and call child services.

 

Otherwise, seriously, drop it. The parents know their son's height and weight. The doctor knows it too. Very likely they already are working on it - they just aren't disclosing their child's private medical information to other people, certainly not the sort of people who already talk behind their backs.

 

Edit: Googled it, this boy's BMI is very low. However, the BMI is an imperfect measurement of health. I'm also assuming that the OP doesn't have the sort of specialized medical knowledge necessary to justify meddling. OP, if you're actually a doctor or nurse and have a good reason to suspect a specific medical condition, then you should by all means take whatever steps you feel are necessary.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Tanaqui

[Tanaqui]

As someone who was a similar size at that age (5'5" and maybe 90 pounds sopping wet), if I felt I had a good enough relationship, I would ask the child in question how they feel about it and take it from there. A 15-year-old likely knows how they feel and what they want you to think about it.  Even if it's nothing, knowing someone is willing to listen about it can be wonderfully freeing.

 

Speaking to the nephew may not be a bad idea... for somebody else. Unfortunately, at this point, it sounds like the OP has spoken to so many other people that speaking to the nephew may not help. He may feel defensive at yet another insinuation that his parents don't care (which is certainly how this all would sound to me at that age!) or that the OP is only trying to cause trouble.

 

Maybe her spouse, if that's the blood relative of this nephew, would be a better choice to have a conversation. And even then, if the nephew says he physically feels fine and isn't worried, there just isn't much they can do about it.

[MistyMountain]

I was underweight up until I started getting pregnant and having children of my own. I actually ate a lot and tried gaining weight and my doctors, my parents and I were aware. I did not have health issues. Honestly it really annoyed me when relatives brought it up all the time especially once I was a teenager and also being bullied at school because of my weight in a cruel way. Relatives commenting all the time made thing worse for my already low self esteem. I doubt he is unaware about it. If you know he is eating fine then just drop it. I have kids following in my footsteps and I really hope I do not get lots of comments later on about them being skinny.

Edited September 24, 2017 by MistyMountain

[Kassia]

My husband was 6' and 125-130 most of his teens and 20s.  In his 20s he hired a personal trainer and got up to 145-150, gaining weight ON PURPOSE (the idea is such a foreign concept to me!)

 

People were always making comments and it really upset him.   He ate a lot, and tried to gain, he just couldn't.  Doctor said he was fine, but people commented all the time and he still talks about it (he is 50), so honestly, I would let it be and think it is none of my business.

 

My husband and sons are like this.  They have to really make an effort to gain weight - my one son forces himself to eat peanut butter all day.  My DH has filled out but, when he was younger, it made him feel bad when family members would tell him how skinny he was.  

[itsheresomewhere]

Back off and let it go. My DS is like that but is very healthy. His doctors are happy with his health. Yet we do have that relative who won't back off.

[katilac]

Speaking to the nephew may not be a bad idea... for somebody else.  

 

 

Yep, I think the parents would be pretty annoyed if she did that at this point. 

 

Plus, I absolutely don't see how you directly ask any person how they feel about their weight, much less a teen-ager who may not be self-conscious about it . . . yet. Would you ask a chubby teen how they feel about their weight? What would you do about it, anyway? You can't take them to the doctor. You shouldn't randomly recommend diets to lose or gain weight. 

 

I think it's great to be supportive in general, and to let a teen know they can come to you with issues in general. Hopefully, if something is bothering them, they will go to one of the supportive adults in their life, but I cannot imagine randomly asking a person how they feel about their weight.

 

A few people have mentioned calling CPS if the OP "thinks" they are starving him. To clarify, you ought to have solid reasons for thinking that, not just that he is too skinny and you don't know why. 

[SunshineMom]

Wow, there were a ton of false assumptions made in response to my question. I'm concerned about my nephew's health however as many people reported, boys tend to fill out later. Btw there is no family gossiping or discussions with my SIL...

[SKL]

I would not expect a boy that age to be having annual check-ups, but I agree it is possible the family is looking into / working on the issue but keeping the matter private.

 

Does your nephew have any special needs that would make him especially vulnerable to neglect?  I.e. is he unable to communicate, advocate for himself, does he get out and see other people?

 

I don't know that there is anything you can do unless you believe he is a victim and can't advocate for himself.

[Prairie~Phlox]

Not your problem!

[SKL]

Aside:  We have a very thin employee at work.  It really annoys me how people always describe her as skinny.  I think it's just as offensive as calling somebody fat.  FTR she is healthy and happy and in control of her life.  Being tall and slim happens to run in her family.  Unless you're a tall/slim clothes model, it isn't relevant to anything.

 

And if it were a problem, e.g. anorexia, the worst thing would be to harp on it - especially if you are not on the person's medical caring team.

 

Not saying the OP is doing this, but some people do have filter problems when it comes to slimness.

[SporkUK]

Well, assumptions are likely with little information and asking us what we would do. What each us would do is coloured by our experiences, what is available to us, and the assumptions we would make at seeing that scenario. I don't think someone who is thin is necessarily ill, but neither do I think just because a parent say everything is fine, it is so. A 15 year old typically can say how they feel and what they think they need for themselves so I would prioritize what they think of their body if that topic came up. 

 

Maybe I just live in a particularly open house, probably due to wanting to be open about our disabilities and how closed my childhood one was, but we talk about our bodies and health and how we feel about them quite a bit. During a recent time when my 13 year old had a lot of people comment on his weight (shoulder injury so his shirt was off a lot with professionals remarking multiple times on how his weight affected how the injury appeared), I asked him what I wished I had been asked, "People have been commenting on your weight, what do you think about it?". We talked about it for a while - how he felt about the comments and his understanding of them, what he wanted to do once he was cleared by the specialist, whether he'd heard those kinds of comments before and so on. I made no weight recommendations or diet plans, food never came up, closest we got was him asking me to help him put into practice the specialist's suggestions because he didn't want that to happen again and he wants to be stronger and he made the joke his father usually makes about needing more vegetables to be strong. It was a great conversation. 

 

An aunt or uncle, not typically a random person, could have that conversation as could many adults involved in his life. As annoying and upsetting as it sometimes is, I'd far rather have the people in my life feel they can express their concerns to us and discuss it openly with my kid than be silent and turn away from my kids and assume I know everything about them and what they're thinking on something. I wish more adults had risked upsetting my parents rather than prioritize their feelings and reputations, the few who did really helped me in so many ways. 

 

Thankfully I now live where most teens can take themselves to the doctor or health clinics, if asked I would help them get the appropriate details they wanted to talk to a professional. I'm all about helping young people access care and good guidance. So yeah, as I said, I would ask - preferably when relevant - and take it from whatever answer I got. And yes, when adults and young people I'm close to comment on their weight - which is far more often than I like and typically about feeling like they weigh/eat too much - my go to line is something like "how do you feel about that?". I've had a lot of good conversations about social pressure and habits and all sorts that people have wrapped up into how they think of their bodies and weight. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

If family wants to discuss possible health issues affecting weight and growth then they would have brought them up when the issue was first raised by the OP. The fact is that the weight could be for a couple of different reasons: the boy could simply be thin but healthy. Or he could have a health issue that the family knows about and is addressing but doesn't care to discuss with the OP. Or he could have a health issue that has been missed or dismissed by the family.

 

I'm sensitive to the fact that my 15 year old hasn't grown in 3 years due to celiac disease that we have only now discovered. It took us awhile to figure it out so there is a chance that the OP is noticing something that is falling through the cracks. But the hard truth is as others have pointed out, the OP isn't the boy's parent and she has already mentioned her concern. So I don't think that anything else can be done (if there is even a problem).

 

 

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[Catwoman]

My nephew is 15.5yrs old, 5'6ft and only weighs 94lbs. I am worried about him, he is just skin and bones. My SIL doesn't seem worried. I have mentioned my concerns over the years here and there to my MIL but everyone just keeps saying, "oh, he'll grow, don't worry." I am worried he has an underlining medical issue. WWYD?

If your SIL and MIL aren't worried, I think you need to trust them on this and let it go. Plenty of healthy teen boys are super-slim.

 

Why are you concerned? Have you noticed that he doesn't eat? Does he seem lethargic? Do you suspect he's using drugs? If not, I'm not sure why this is bothering you.

[foxbridgeacademy]

DH was like that although he had a growth spurt around 15.  He was still really thin when we started living together, 5'9/5'10 125# wore a size 28 waist, lol. He didn't start filling out until he was 25. 

[ktgrok]

My ex husband was like that, his father was like that, and my son is like that. At 6' my son is maybe 125 pounds, maybe. He's VERY thin and underweight, but he's not unhealthy. In fact, he has a lot of strength and is muscular. He just has very little body fat. 

[skimomma]

If there is no concern about neglect or illness, I would let it go.  It is within the realm of normal for a teen boy.  My dd has several male friends of similar build and I think it is pretty normal.  And frankly, having been a kid that got commented about constantly, right in front of me, I would tread cautiously.  Healthy bodies comes in lots of shapes and sizes.   

[flopsymopsy]

My 17 year old son is tall and lean. Always has been. I have been asked if I ever feed him? You can see every rib. He is super slim. How does he know that he is not "normal"? Because others feel the need to constantly point it out. He is incredibly self conscious of his body.

If your nephew has always been thin and he has not suddenly lost weight, then I do not believe you need to do or say anything else.

 

 

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