Jump to content

Menu

Tacky or not -- settle a difference of opinion


AimeeM
 Share

Recommended Posts

To start, this isn't a serious disagreement by any means, and DH was more than willing to defer to me on it -- he just didn't (still doesn't) see it as tacky.

 

 

DH found a great deal on a very nice car for DD16 (who will test for her permit next week). This isn't really a conversation asking if you ever would or wouldn't buy your kid a car -- I know, from other forums, that particular subject can get heated for a number of reasons.

 

DD has a friend staying with us until Saturday, so that they can attend a homeschool event tomorrow together (friend lives a fair distance from us and most events, so often stays with us for several days, when her and DD do get together). Friend may not be getting a car any time in the near future (or she might; I'm just not sure). To be fair to DH, I can say that I definitely feel this is more tacky because this is DD's very best friend, and I'm more cautious regarding feelings because of that.

 

DH was, initially, going to bring the car home late this weekend, but the person he is purchasing it from has done what needs to be done on his end, and wants DH to take it tonight. 

 

I told DH to take it, but park it at his co-worker's house, or his office, until later Saturday, after DD's friend leaves. 

 

I personally think it's tacky, period, to give a very large gift (outside of a birthday or similar) in front of a friend -- DH just doesn't see any problem with it at all. Like I said, he shrugged and was fine with deferring to me on it, at the end of the day, but I thought it did pose an interesting question, and one that hasn't come up in our home before, because typically large gifts are reserved for holidays and birthdays.

 

Do you think it's tacky to give large gifts (doesn't need to be a car... any large gift) -- outside of birthdays or holidays -- in front of guests / friends of the recipient?

Edited by AimeeM
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know that it's tacky. But with a friend there it might not be as exciting for you, dh, and your dd. When you give the car, you probably want to go through it, go out for ice cream in it, or take pics of dd and her first car. If a friend is there you risk dd just saying oh, cool...and going back to hang with her friend. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it would be fun to include the friend.

 

Younger kids I wouldn't do it, but as a 16yo I would have been thrilled to see my BFF get a car and it would have been fun to be there for it, go along for the first drive, etc.

 

Why would it make a 16yo best friend feel bad?

Edited by EmseB
  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's not like it's going to remain a huge secret from the friend.  I say it's fine to give the gift in front of the friend.  If I were the friend, I would be thrilled for your dd and be caught up in the excitement of it too.  *shrug*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it would be fun to include the friend.

 

Younger kids I wouldn't do it, but as a 16yo I would have been thrilled to see my BFF get a car and it would have been fun to be there for it.

 

Why would it make a 16yo best friend feel bad?

 

 

 

deleted

Edited by AimeeM
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I think that it depends on if this is actually a gift?  I mean, if you always planned to give her a car and she knows he's buying this one and she was maybe part of the buying process even (like if she test drove it or something,) then I don't think it's tacky.  She may have even already talked to her friend about it.

 

BUT...if this really is a great big surprise gift, she has no idea you guys were going to buy a car, there's going to be this "reveal" and/or "big red bow" type of thing going on...then it's tacky. 

 

She knows we've had an eye out for a car, but had nothing to do with the buying practice. She may know about it, because we don't always hear her come into the room when we're talking.

 

It is a gift and a surprise. Well, it's supposed to be a surprise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aimee, with the new information at the bottom I think it's probably nicer to wait on the car when friend isn't around, just so it doesn't draw attention to the differences between situations. That makes more sense as to why your response was to wait and I think that's kindest.

 

I wouldn't normally have an issue with it but it does feel a little ouch when contrasted. I was thinking they were essentially from the same SES and situation, so it wouldn't be a big deal. But I could see how friend might be hypersensitive to that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

 

I'm going to be blunt - and possibly not a popular answer - to me, going out of your way to NOT give the gift in front of your dd's friend would make me - as the friend - feel more awkward when I learned about it.  kids talk - she'll hear about it.

I would wonder if you were looking down at me and didn't consider me the equal/good enough for your dd to be friends with.  I would always wonder what else you were 'excluding' me from in your family.

 

and She will find out you bought your dd a car, and that your dd got it right after she left.

 

eta: i was the kid with the single mom (my father died when I was 12) low wage worker, in a solid middle and upper middle class area.  so consider that is where my comments are coming from.

 

 

Edited by gardenmom5
  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would wait. It's only until late Saturday or Sunday... so I would err on the side of caution for her friend's feelings.

deleted the rest of my post. I know it's not the same situation, lol - just our personal experience that reminded me of the situation. :)

:) Bless you for thinking about dd's friend's feelings. That's incredibly sweet (and you're not a bad person by any means if you decide to give it to her now! Just... even if friend seems okay she might feel bad on the inside...)

Edited by hopskipjump
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, given the additional details I think you should go with how you think the friend would take it. Would it be more or less awkward for your DD to just have a car the next time she is there?

 

But I wouldn't equate this with giving your DD a car on the other girl's bday...to me THAT would be horribly tacky.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why is that tacky? You cannot control whether or not another teen's parents are going to get them a car and you definitely cannot control, nor predict, their reactions.

I don't see a problem with dd being able to celebrate the gift with her friend but I also think this is your decision to make and it sounds like you've alreay made up your mind.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know that I would call it tacky. How it would make that girl feel probably depends entirely on her situation and personality. I think some girls would be thrilled for their friend, and some would feel bad. It is probably hard to predict. Coming from the poor kid, of course she will find out. That's not the point. It is a different situation to see it right there in living color. I was there when my friend's mom bought her a car. Not a big dramatic reveal, but definitely one more demonstration of what her life was like vs. mine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not majorly tacky, but I wouldn't do it.  My best friend growing up came from a very poor single-parent family.  She never said a word, but I tried not to be "in your face" about things I was lucky enough to get.  Of course she would be happy for me.  But you can be both happy for someone and still feel a little sad for yourself, especially as a teen. I think it's kind to avoid it.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not tacky. But I wouldn't do it.

 

In our house that would be a big deal and I tend to keep those big things more private. Obviously everyone will know and find out - but that's not the issue. It's presenting it to your DD with someone else present that's a little eh and potentially awkward.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not tacky.

 

I was a poor-ish kid with wealthy-ish friends (some of them) and they did get things like cars.  If they'd cut me out of that part of their lives - "sorry, only my other wealthy friends can see me get a great gift and be happy with me and excited about it," I would have been offended.  It would have emphasized the difference between us - not just that we had different amounts of money, but that for some reason that meant we couldn't share each other's successes and gifts and fun times.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not tacky, but I'd still give the car privately. Partly because of the friend's situation, but partly because operating a 2-ton piece of metal than can injure or kill people is a very serious responsibility. Even though it serves a social function (driving places, and driving people to places), it's not like a new computer or a smartphone. Maybe I'm a party pooper, but I'd want to treat the milestone with a heavier respect than a squeal-fest like that State Farm commercial.

 

ETA: I was always happy for friends who got cars, even though I didn't buy one until I was 18, and then loaned it to my mom for 2 years. I don't remember ever feeling jealous, but I was a little numb to that kind of stuff by that point.

Edited by BarbecueMom
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would wait. It's only until late Saturday or Sunday... so I would err on the side of caution for her friend's feelings.

 

My personal experience: dd turned 16 and signed up for a driver's ed class with a close friend of hers. The class was starting the day after dds birthday. Friend didn't turn 16 for 6 MORE MONTHS.

 

We showed up at their house ON dd's 16th birthday to pick her friend up to go out that evening and celebrate dd's birthday. They texted me earlier and said that they would be abut 30 minutes late.

 

Great. Okaaaaaaayyyy. So we picked up everyone else first and arrived at their house.

 

Where they had a brand-new car parked in their driveway they'd spent the afternoon purchasing for friend.

 

It was so incredibly awkward for us and for dd's other friends who were with us (AND for the others who were already waiting for us at our destination...)

 

I felt awful. I was like, really? You couldn't have waited a few freaking days to give your kid a brand-new car?

 

In your situation, I'd feel the same way. Giving the car to your dd right on the Few days she has a friend staying over... can go over badly.

 

Dd WAS happy for her friend. Thrilled, actually. But it absolutely threw a shadow over her day and your dd's friend is there to spend time with your dd and to be excited about the homeschooling event they are going to on Saturday. For it to suddenly morph into "friend got a new car!" could feel hurtful even if she doesn't let on.

 

(My dd did get a car of her own from us eventually. As did dd2. But we made sure they got it without friends directly involved and kept it low key)

 

:) Bless you for thinking about dd's friend's feelings. That's incredibly sweet (and you're not a bad person by any means if you decide to give it to her now! Just... even if friend seems okay she might feel bad on the inside...)

In the other parents' defense, I'm sure they never even thought about it being your dd's birthday when they were buying the new car for their own dd. Unless they had a history of being inconsiderate jerks, I would have just assumed that they had been planning to get their dd a car, and they just happened to have gotten it for her on your dd's birthday.

 

I'm not sure why the other parents should have waited a few days to give their own dd a gift just because it was your dd's birthday. I don't understand what your dd's birthday had to do with the friend getting a new car. :confused:

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would wait. Not only till the friend leaves, but also till dd passes her test.

 

At least where I am, kids seem to be frequently failing on first attempt to pass test for permit, and being given a car gift seems to me like it could add pressure. Including social pressure where gift was in front of a friend.

 

 

Edited by Pen
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know what the right word is, but it seems like it would be a little awkward at the very least. I mean, if that was me, I'd want to enjoy my kid's reaction and hopefully happiness and excitement in getting the car. I'd like the focus to be on the moment of giving the gift. Except, she has company and has to host her company. It feels like it's interrupting that dynamic.

 

It's also showy in front of the friend - or could be read that way. I mean, it could be fine, but it also could be inconsiderate. I know that people are saying that the friend will find out about the car, but having something and watching someone receive a giant gift is pretty different.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would wait. Not only till the friend leaves, but also till dd passes her test.

 

At least where I am, kids seem to be frequently failing on first attempt to pass test for permit, and being given a car gift seems to me like it could add pressure. Including social pressure where gift was in front of a friend.

 

We can't park the car at DH coworker's indefinitely, though -- or even just for a week. Our HOA has pretty strict rules regarding cars, garages, etc. We'd like to give it as a gift, so if it's here, we need to... gift it. KWIM?

 

We have impressed on DD that it is absolutely okay for her to wait any amount of time to take the test -- it can be taken next week, or in three weeks. She is dyslexic and ADHD and we know not to push her into this until she's ready (which is why she isn't even attempting it until well after her 16th birthday, even though most take it on their 15th birthday-day).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

BTW, how does it work with insurance and so forth if a dc who cannot yet drive is given ownership of a car?

 

I believe she will be listed as a driver on the insurance once she passes the test. She won't have legal ownership of the car until she has her unrestricted or turns 18 (or her and DH decide otherwise). 

 

Edited by AimeeM
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Absolutely right mom.  Wait to give it to her.  Completely obnoxious to do it in front of the friend.  She doesn't even have a permit so it's not like could use it. 

 

Honestly, if I was buying a car for a teen to use, I wouldn't "gift" it to them anyway.  I would present it as - This is a car we bought to make life easier on all of us when you get your license.  You can use it on our terms.  And I might even wait until she got a license.

Edited by WoolySocks
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Absolutely right mom.  Wait to give it to her.  Completely obnoxious to do it in front of the friend.  She doesn't even have a permit so it's not like could use it. 

 

Honestly, if I was buying a car for a teen to use, I wouldn't "gift" it to them anyway.  I would present it as - This is a car we bought to make life easier on all of us when you get your license.  You can use it on our terms.  And I might even wait until she got a license.

I understand that everyone has a different opinion RE buying teens cars (which is why I mentioned it specifically in my OP, lol).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand that everyone has a different opinion RE buying teens cars (which is why I mentioned it specifically in my OP, lol).

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to get off topic.  I have no problem buying teens cars and we may do that at some point.  I have a kid that has had a permit for a year and access to public transit so it's been a slow road over here.   :lol:   My thinking on it is more aligned with whoever above said giving a car wouldn't be a squeal fest at our house.  I would want that to be a moment with my kid alone to have a discussion about it.   It's less about gifting and more about setting a more adult tone.  Going from permit to license to provisional to full license is such a long process now, it's not like kid's can go cruising with groups of friends at newly 16 these days (For which I am grateful).

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unless your daughter plans to keep this a secret or the girl has said how terrible she thinks it is for parents to gift cars, I don't think it is a problem.

 

I think purposefully hiding it until she is gone could be MORE problematic ("we're excluding you because you're poor").

 

Emily

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...