s/o GoFundMe for elderly parent's funeral

[SKL]

What do you think of this?  I just received a GoFundMe notice by someone who lost his/her elderly mother.  "None of us [children of the deceased] have funds to pay for a funeral."

[wapiti]

I would be skeptical.  It should ultimately come out of the estate though I'm not sure whether a credit card is typically required in the interim.  There are various possible cost levels for this sort of thing.

[catz]

Meh, if the mother didn't plan for the funeral maybe she didn't really care. A funeral is not really a necessity and can be kept simple. Especially if the mom or offspring are members of a church. That said there could be good reasons for this. It's not nearly as icky as financing your kids college or travel via Go Fund Me.

Edited September 21, 2017 by WoolySocks

[Arcadia]

It depends on how well I know the family. A neighbor died in the elevator of my childhood home residential block. The elevator has stopped and the fans had stopped too. By the time the elevator repair crew came, he has died from lack of air. After that incident, they gave the general maintenance people the key to open the elevator doors so air can circulate in a stalled elevator.

 

The widow and children had very little savings so the neighborhood donated to the funeral expenses and helped with the legal paperwork.

 

In a genuine hardship case, the tacky part is that the request came from the children. If it has come from a close family friend or an old neighbor it might have felt like the pooled donations of my childhood days, just that gofundme is the collector instead of knocking at a volunteer’s door to pass the cash/check for the family of the deceased.

Edited September 21, 2017 by Arcadia

[Elizabeth86]

I would be skeptical. It should ultimately come out of the estate though I'm not sure whether a credit card is typically required in the interim. There are various possible cost levels for this sort of thing.

Some people in the words of my mamaw "dont have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out." some people dont have an estate. Some peoe are poor. Doesnt make them bad, doesnt mean they didnt care.

[Prairie~Phlox]

We know a family that had nothing, they barely could afford to live in a rental & the dad had cancer & was sick for several years before dying. The daughters didn't have money, they were trying to get through school to better themselves. Someone set up a gofundme when he passed, they actually got enough to cover the expenses & their dad was cremated, so not extravagant. Their mother is in poor health as well & I'm guessing won't have the money to bury her either. Life just stinks for some people. I've known too many that can't afford it.

[solascriptura]

Honestly, in the case of a sudden death I wouldn't judge. If I wanted to donate, I would. If I didn't want to donate, I wouldn't and leave it at that. There are Go Fund Me things for all sorts of crazy stuff.

Edited September 21, 2017 by solascriptura

[SKL]

This isn't somebody I know and I won't be donating, but I was wondering what the Hive thought of the idea and how it would contrast with a GoFundMe for a wedding-related expense.

 

I think we should expect to have funeral expenses at some point for an elderly parent.  In my experience the parent has insurance and some money in the bank, and also I thought there was a SS payout or something.  Beyond that there is a wide range of choices when it comes to funeral expenses.  My granny and grandma died around the same time; one funeral cost $10K and the other cost $1.5K.  Partly because the latter was largely planned in advance by the deceased.

 

Probate law provides that the cost of the funeral comes first out of the estate.  My grandma's came out of her bank account. 

 

I get that some people die broke and without insurance.  But even then - all the sibs together couldn't come up with enough to cremate her ... I dunno.

[Tanaqui]

The funeral should come out of the estate? That's some wishful thinking! My grandma's "estate" went to pay for her medical bills. Her house was under a reverse mortgage. My uncle wasn't in paid employment - he cared for her. What "estate"? (And her funeral wasn't that pricey, either, because nobody in the family was going to hop a plane to see her once she was dead, and she would not have expected us too.)

[JFSinIL]

Dad passed this summer, and we still have not had a funeral or memorial service. It is not mandatory. Dad's remains were donated, and in return after a few weeks my sister got the ashes. Eventually, since he liked to fish, he will probably end up in Big Bear Lake or the ocean. Dad hated hospitals and funerals and would probably approve this plan (he passed from alzheimer's so not able to make his wishes known, had he had any).

[wapiti]

The funeral should come out of the estate? That's some wishful thinking! My grandma's "estate" went to pay for her medical bills. 

 

FWIW, in most states, funeral/burial expenses have priority first, before medical expenses (notwithstanding that there may be no money in the estate even for that).

[solascriptura]

This isn't somebody I know and I won't be donating, but I was wondering what the Hive thought of the idea and how it would contrast with a GoFundMe for a wedding-related expense.

 

I think we should expect to have funeral expenses at some point for an elderly parent. In my experience the parent has insurance and some money in the bank, and also I thought there was a SS payout or something. Beyond that there is a wide range of choices when it comes to funeral expenses. My granny and grandma died around the same time; one funeral cost $10K and the other cost $1.5K. Partly because the latter was largely planned in advance by the deceased.

 

Probate law provides that the cost of the funeral comes first out of the estate. My grandma's came out of her bank account.

 

I get that some people die broke and without insurance. But even then - all the sibs together couldn't come up with enough to cremate her ... I dunno.

There are all sorts of Go Fund Me accounts. I would never make one for a wedding though. If you don't have money to pay for a wedding, go to the courthouse.

[Selkie]

Dad passed this summer, and we still have not had a funeral or memorial service. It is not mandatory. Dad's remains were donated, and in return after a few weeks my sister got the ashes. Eventually, since he liked to fish, he will probably end up in Big Bear Lake or the ocean. Dad hated hospitals and funerals and would probably approve this plan (he passed from alzheimer's so not able to make his wishes known, had he had any).

 

In our area, it's become very common to have a small family service or none at all. Many of the obituaries in our local papers now say something like, "Due to the wishes of the deceased, there will be no service".

[Catwoman]

Dad passed this summer, and we still have not had a funeral or memorial service. It is not mandatory. Dad's remains were donated, and in return after a few weeks my sister got the ashes. Eventually, since he liked to fish, he will probably end up in Big Bear Lake or the ocean. Dad hated hospitals and funerals and would probably approve this plan (he passed from alzheimer's so not able to make his wishes known, had he had any).

I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. :(

[Annie G]

In our area, it's become very common to have a small family service or none at all. Many of the obituaries in our local papers now say something like, "Due to the wishes of the deceased, there will be no service".

 

Mom passed away suddenly five years ago and we have her remains in a jar, waiting for when Dad passes. When he does, we may or may not have a service. (most likely not)  It was a year after my brother in law passed before my sister had a service. 

 

Two years after Mom passed I was talking to one of her best friends and was sharply scolded for not having a service for Mom when she passed. Dear friend told me that other people were mourning and it was selfish of the family to deny them a service.  Yikes. 

 

It's somehow comforting to know that we're not the only ones who don't have funerals.

 

The cremation/death certificates/transport to funeral home cost about $700. 

[gardenmom5]

was the elderly parent destitute and had no estate?  nothing in the bank?  no income of any kind?

 

I'd be skeptical - and consider it tacky.  you don't need a fancy funeral.  (just like you don't need a fancy wedding - but some people can't comprehend that.)

[Julie Smith]

When my grandmother died her body was donated to science. When they were um, done with it they had a ceremony to go to for the family of the deceased people and ashes were given to my Dad. It cost nothing. 

 

 

[TechWife]

This isn't somebody I know and I won't be donating, but I was wondering what the Hive thought of the idea and how it would contrast with a GoFundMe for a wedding-related expense.

 

I think we should expect to have funeral expenses at some point for an elderly parent. In my experience the parent has insurance and some money in the bank, and also I thought there was a SS payout or something. Beyond that there is a wide range of choices when it comes to funeral expenses. My granny and grandma died around the same time; one funeral cost $10K and the other cost $1.5K. Partly because the latter was largely planned in advance by the deceased.

 

Probate law provides that the cost of the funeral comes first out of the estate. My grandma's came out of her bank account.

 

I get that some people die broke and without insurance. But even then - all the sibs together couldn't come up with enough to cremate her ... I dunno.

Sigh. Not everyone has resources. If a family wants to honor their loved ones with a funeral, it is a perfectly acceptable custom. If a family cannot afford one, it's fine to take up a collection, that, too, is a long standing custom. When my father died, a couple of my mom's friends sent me money towards the funeral unsolicited. It was their way of honoring him.

 

Not everyone who dies had an estate. Not everyone who dies has family that is able to pitch in. Not everyone has life insurance. Not everyone is like you.

 

That payout from social security - yeah, well, if there is a surviving spouse or a dependent child that is also getting social security, the survivor gets a whopping $255. That's it.

[TechWife]

was the elderly parent destitute and had no estate? nothing in the bank? no income of any kind?

 

I'd be skeptical - and consider it tacky. you don't need a fancy funeral. (just like you don't need a fancy wedding - but some people can't comprehend that.)

Basic funerals cost money. You don't need a fancy funeral to have a large bill.

[gardenmom5]

Basic funerals cost money. You don't need a fancy funeral to have a large bill.

I've been in charge of a funeral, I'm aware of just how much unnessary can quickly be added on.

 

Ds' gf's mom had her body donated to science. It wasn't about money, though it is free.

[solascriptura]

Mom passed away suddenly five years ago and we have her remains in a jar, waiting for when Dad passes. When he does, we may or may not have a service. (most likely not) It was a year after my brother in law passed before my sister had a service.

 

Two years after Mom passed I was talking to one of her best friends and was sharply scolded for not having a service for Mom when she passed. Dear friend told me that other people were mourning and it was selfish of the family to deny them a service. Yikes.

 

It's somehow comforting to know that we're not the only ones who don't have funerals.

 

The cremation/death certificates/transport to funeral home cost about $700.

I've wondered about this before. I've already discussed my wish to be cremated when I pass. A memorial is kind of meh to me too. Do people really feel offended when there isn't a funeral service?

[Barb_]

In our area, it's become very common to have a small family service or none at all. Many of the obituaries in our local papers now say something like, "Due to the wishes of the deceased, there will be no service".

Yeah I didn't go to either of my grandparents services. They were creamated and my mom and aunt decided they and their spouses would have a quiet private ceremony since the rest of us live out of state.

[Seasider]

I think the trouble with using crowdsourcing for funeral costs is that it's not sustainable. I mean, everyone dies.

[Barb_]

I've wondered about this before. I've already discussed my wish to be cremated when I pass. A memorial is kind of meh to me too. Do people really feel offended when there isn't a funeral service?

Honestly? At first it felt a little odd not being invited since they were my grandparents. But in the long run it was a relief not to have to fly across country. Maybe I'd feel differently if it was a young person, but they had lived their natural lifespans and their passing wasn't tragic or traumatic--just sad.

 

There is this idea of comforting in and dumping out. The closer you are to the person (first spouse, then children, then parents, then each successive layer of friendship of family), the less emotional burden you should be taking on for others who are grieving. Annie mentioned upthread the scolding she received--perfect example of dumping in. Very poor form.

Edited September 21, 2017 by Barb_

[Seasider]

Dad passed this summer, and we still have not had a funeral or memorial service. It is not mandatory. Dad's remains were donated, and in return after a few weeks my sister got the ashes. Eventually, since he liked to fish, he will probably end up in Big Bear Lake or the ocean. Dad hated hospitals and funerals and would probably approve this plan (he passed from alzheimer's so not able to make his wishes known, had he had any).

This is a viable option for those who cannot afford a funeral. Also, there is a lobby for low cost cremation (just don't have a link handy). I bet if their car broke down they could each come up with a couple of hundred dollars.

[Annie G]

I've wondered about this before. I've already discussed my wish to be cremated when I pass. A memorial is kind of meh to me too. Do people really feel offended when there isn't a funeral service?

 

Everyone finds closure in their own way. For my sisters and me, it was making the quilt that wraps around the jar that holds mom's ashes. I think for Mom's friend a funeral is necessary for closure. So yeah, she was offended, but I can't help that. The family gets to decide. 

[Murphy101]

I have zero problem with it. Contribute or not as you feel inclined.

 

Personally, even our dogs have been buried and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didn't bury a family member. I don't care about extravagant, but a burial with respect and dignity for the dead and the life that has passed is not negotiable to me.

 

YMMV but I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted to bury a loved one.

[goldberry]

I feel sad for people who feel that having an expensive coffin with expensive other details is part of honoring the dead.  I do know people that feel that way, and would feel their loved one would not be honored "in a cheap coffin" or whatever.  I think that has been pushed by funeral companies and many people have bought into it.  Then people really do feel bad if they don't have the money.

 

 All of DH's family and mine are happy with cremation and perhaps a simple gathering of remembrance.  I'm grateful.  

[Tree Frog]

Everyone finds closure in their own way. For my sisters and me, it was making the quilt that wraps around the jar that holds mom's ashes. I think for Mom's friend a funeral is necessary for closure. So yeah, she was offended, but I can't help that. The family gets to decide. 

 

I wonder if having a service for your mom's friend is/was an important tradition in their generation. I don't find it necessary, but we had 2 when MIL passed. One locally and one where she lived for 20 years before moving here. That was Mom's wish, so we honored it. I think, though, too, that it's good to have traditions. Sometimes they're what bind us together.

[Catwoman]

I've wondered about this before. I've already discussed my wish to be cremated when I pass. A memorial is kind of meh to me too. Do people really feel offended when there isn't a funeral service?

I think it depends on the family culture.

[bookbard]

I just looked up the rules in Australia. If people can't afford a funeral, the local Health Service will organise and pay for it.

 

If a person died at home, and has no next of kin or friends to arrange or pay for the funeral, had no money or other assets, and the coroner is not involved, when a doctor has issued a medical certificate of cause of death, the police will complete a burial/cremation of a ‘Deceased Destitute Person’ form P372, which is sent to the Director of Public Health Unit (PHU) of the relevant Health Service. The government contractor will be contacted by the PHU to organise a funeral. If a medical certificate of cause of death was not issued, the body is taken to the coroner’s morgue.

The coroner issues an ‘Order for Disposal of a Destitute Person’ and forwards it to the Director of the relevant Health Service’s Public Health Unit (PHU). The PHU, in turn, contacts the government contractor who forwards the invoice to the PHU for payment by the Area Health Service. See the section on destitute funerals. If a Coroner’s case involves a destitute person, and there are next of kin, the counsellors at the Department of Forensic Medicine can be approached by the family to assist with funeral arrangements.

If the deceased has no next of kin, but did have money or assets, the case is referred to the NS W Trustee and Guardian who arranges and pays for a funeral from the estate.

 

 

[slackermom]

I cannot imagine doing a public request for funds for that particular expense. If help is needed, I would talk to relatives, but not post a fundraiser.

 

Dh's father died broke, and had been homeless for a while. I remember going to the funeral home during the planning process, and seeing that dh's mother (divorced for more than a decade) had requested a $17,000 package. I think dh and his brother cut it back a bit, and their extended family (aunts and uncles) volunteered to pick up various expenses. Like, one took care of the burial plot, another bought the headstone, etc.

[Farrar]

Even the plainest funerals, with the deceased being cremated, can be more expensive than perhaps people realize. And what if the deceased specifically wanted to be buried? What then? Even the simplest headstone, the least expensive plot, and the cheapest coffin will run into the thousands. If a family really is poor and the deceased really had no money or insurance, then that's a difficult expense.

 

I'm not saying that it's not possible that people are asking for something that they can actually afford or asking to pay for a large ceremony and expensive options, but I'd judge by the individuals involved, who are presumably known by the people they send the GoFundMe to.

[Tanaqui]

FWIW, in most states, funeral/burial expenses have priority first, before medical expenses (notwithstanding that there may be no money in the estate even for that).

 

So, I didn't mean that she had a literal estate after she died that went towards medical bills after her death. I meant that the money that would have comprised her estate was used up during her life paying for her medical bills while she was still living. I don't think you intended to suggest that elderly and sick people should just, like, not pay their bills because they'll be dead soon anyway.

[Bluegoat]

I feel very differently about funerals than weddings.  Expenses around a death aren't something you can put off, and they can be enough to be a problem even if you go for a cheaper option.  I also would be willing to fund a modest memorial or service as part of that - I don't think that is something people should need to forgo because they are poor, and I don't think it's a particularly good thing to delay them until you have the money in hand.

 

That being said, with the way people are using things like GoFundMe now, I am more likely to be a little suspicious of the situation.

[Scarlett]

I've wondered about this before. I've already discussed my wish to be cremated when I pass. A memorial is kind of meh to me too. Do people really feel offended when there isn't a funeral service?

Yes.

 

Funerals are for the living.

 

I think a well meaning person says it before they die and the surviving people don't want to do it anyway for whatever reason. So they don't. Personally it breaks my heart when there is no service.

 

I have been to many many memorial services for people with no means. It doesn't have to cost anything beyond the cost of cremation. I know one elderly friend of ours who was cremated for $700.

[Bluegoat]

I've wondered about this before. I've already discussed my wish to be cremated when I pass. A memorial is kind of meh to me too. Do people really feel offended when there isn't a funeral service?

 

Ultimately I don't think offended is the right word.  They feel like something is missing, or their attachment and love for the person who has passed is being treated as meaningless.  Maybe some think the family is seeing the loss as meaningless and find that offensive, but I think most know that isn't true.

 

As a society we don't seem to deal with death well - we don't have a clear idea what to make about it.  It is significant when people die - it's the removal of a living person from our community, someone loved and with many kinds of relationships.  It is a time when many - perhaps especially those of an age with the person - think about or their mortality, the course of our lives.  Some people feel grief, sometimes for many months afterward - and not only family members either.  People can feel very fragile, as if something in the fabric of their lives is missing. People are drawn to reflecting on the meaning of life and death more generally.

 

Of course the reaction of individuals differ.  But almost every society has ways of helping people think about and cope with these kinds of questions and loss.  Public acknowledgement of a period of mourning for those who are close.  Some kind of community acknowledgement of the person who has died, that people can join in.  Ways to express their grief, perhaps some capacity to address mortality through ritual.

 

Even cave men had these kinds of rituals.

 

The ubiquity of these kinds of ritual or observance probably reflects something about human nature - they help people cope, they help the community deal with the loss of a member.  This idea that the body isn't important - well, do we really think that?  It makes a pretty big difference when you don't happen to have one, and not just to the person whose body it is.

 

I think for many, the missing out of some kind of venue for explicit reflection or celebration of life, or time to express grief, with others, is something that feels like a real loss.

Edited September 22, 2017 by Bluegoat

[SKL]

I've always said I feel funerals are for the living and my family can do what they like when I die.  But having experienced a few things recently, I feel there is value in making a plan.  I think that in general, as long as it isn't really outlandish, the family will get comfort from knowing they did what the deceased wanted.

 

As far as a memorial gathering, I wonder why it can't just be done at someone's house, with people bringing light eats and chatting.

 

I recently attended the calling hours of a friend who sort of fell of the grid a couple years ago, when she and her husband both went into residential care for different health problems.  Hardly anyone sent flowers.  When I arrived (which was admittedly on the late side), nobody was there except for the immediate family.  Last week I ran across one of her friends, and she said she had no idea the person had even been sick, let alone died.  I think the survivors had no idea whom to contact (outside of a few surviving family members) to let people know she died.  I wonder if I should keep a list of people to inform if I die ... sounds morbid but ....  And also, someone should know what all my assets are and how to access them.  I hear of people who died and their survivors later found out they had thousands in a bank account that nobody else knew about.  Again, sounds morbid, but it would be helpful to the survivors to know these things.

 

And now that I think about it, I wonder if my sibs and I know enough about my parents to do the right things after they die.

[poppy]

It's not like a wedding.   Wedding, you can downsize to save for the future.  Funeral, you are SO emotional and you want to do right by your mom.  A cheap funeral and casket is, what, $7000?  My dad's was closer to $11,000 and it was a "normal" funeral, not anything super fancy. 

 

I haven't ever donated but I'd not be bothered by the request.

[creekland]

It's interesting to me to read this thread - not for the Go Fund Me part - but because my mom has requested no funeral or memorial service.  I will have to decide whether to honor her wishes and deny some folks the closure or disregard her wishes and allow them to have it.  She was a teacher in her town and still has plenty of friends and relatives alive.

 

It seems rather like a no win situation for me (sigh).

[catz]

 

I think for many, the missing out of some kind of venue for explicit reflection or celebration of life, or time to express grief, with others, is something that feels like a real loss.

 

I do think rituals can be important to many.  But we live in a society where rituals vary widely.  So I do think it is pretty obnoxious when someone literally complains to the family about not having a memorial or a funeral.  My dad had a friend host a service for him near his winter home because he funeral was near his summer home.  It is possible for a friend to do something meaningful for them without complaining to a grieving family. 

Edited September 22, 2017 by WoolySocks

[SKL]

It's interesting to me to read this thread - not for the Go Fund Me part - but because my mom has requested no funeral or memorial service.  I will have to decide whether to honor her wishes and deny some folks the closure or disregard her wishes and allow them to have it.  She was a teacher in her town and still has plenty of friends and relatives alive.

 

It seems rather like a no win situation for me (sigh).

 

You could say, "mom has requested no service, but for those who would like to gather in her memory, you are welcome to join us at ___."  Or something like that.

 

[Scarlett]

It's interesting to me to read this thread - not for the Go Fund Me part - but because my mom has requested no funeral or memorial service. I will have to decide whether to honor her wishes and deny some folks the closure or disregard her wishes and allow them to have it. She was a teacher in her town and still has plenty of friends and relatives alive.

 

It seems rather like a no win situation for me (sigh).

Have you asked her why? I am really interested in the thinking. I imagine it has to do with not wanting to burden survivors financially or emotionally.......

[Scarlett]

I do think rituals can be important to many. But we live in a society where rituals vary widely. So I do think it is pretty obnoxious when someone literally complains to the family about not having a memorial or a funeral. My dad had a friend host a service for him near his winter home because he funeral was near his summer home. It is possible for a friend to do something meaningful for them without complaining to a grieving family.

I agree we shouldn't complain to whoever has decided against a service of any kind.

 

My first experience with 'no service' was a co worker of mine who had been a rep in another state. We had been fairly close for years....I kept up with him when he left the company and went to work for a furniture company in his city. He lived with his mother and was estranged from his only child who was about 20. Then his mother died. One day he didn't show up to work and his co workers went to check on him. He was sitting in his running car in his driveway. He had had a heart attack. We were all so devastated.....his son did no service. Which we understood because he was a kid and I guess there was bad blood with the xwife....ugh. It was just so bad. The VP of our company flew down and some other reps drove in and along with the co workers at the furniture store they had a service.

 

If a loved one of mine requested ' no service' I would not promise that. I would say 'you won't know because you will be dead and services are for the living. '.

[Murphy101]

Oddly enough, the reason I feel strongly about funerals of some kind is because I do not think funerals are just for the living. Yes, that's part of it, but not necessarily the most important part to me.

 

I would never say a word to close family that didn't do anything, but internally, yeah, I'd be thinking that was rather awful and sad.

[Bluegoat]

I do think rituals can be important to many.  But we live in a society where rituals vary widely.  So I do think it is pretty obnoxious when someone literally complains to the family about not having a memorial or a funeral.  My dad had a friend host a service for him near his winter home because he funeral was near his summer home.  It is possible for a friend to do something meaningful for them without complaining to a grieving family. 

 

I likely wouldn't complain, especially to someone I didn't know well.

 

I don't think though that people generally expect everyone to do the same thing in terms of a memorial or service.  I think they just want something, be it a small religious service, a tiny reception, or a full out all night wake.  A chance to acknowledge an important passage.

 

As far as friends doing something  - I think a lot probably feel like they are not really supposed to go ahead with anything even a little formal without the blessing of the family - I can see that really ruffling feathers if the family didn't like the format, or even if they just though it was stepping on toes to go ahead with it.

Edited September 22, 2017 by Bluegoat

[Murphy101]

Some info:

 

http://www.us-funerals.com/funeral-articles/indigent-burials-and-cremations.html#.WcUp5kFOmEc

 

http://www.us-funerals.com/funeral-articles/social-assistance-funeral-programs.html#.WcUqUUFOmEc

[creekland]

Have you asked her why? I am really interested in the thinking. I imagine it has to do with not wanting to burden survivors financially or emotionally.......

 

I have asked.  She doesn't want everyone gathering around and thinking/talking about her, esp since her death is going to be relatively young (for her family) and cancer related.  She feels people are going to be pitying her and doesn't want that.  She has gone to other funerals and memorials for friends and really doesn't want to be at the center of one.

 

She might change her mind between now and then, but if not, it seems really wrong to go against her stated wishes.

 

Money is not a factor.

[Annie G]

 

If a loved one of mine requested ' no service' I would not promise that. I would say 'you won't know because you will be dead and services are for the living. '.

 

My kids know that I don't want a visitation with an open casket. I'm an introvert and I really don't want to be on display in life OR in death. If my family wants to look at me to say goodbye, do it privately.  I hope if my family knows they are going to disregard my wishes that they don't tell me while I am alive. That would bother me. 

[Scarlett]

My kids know that I don't want a visitation with an open casket. I'm an introvert and I really don't want to be on display in life OR in death. If my family wants to look at me to say goodbye, do it privately. I hope if my family knows they are going to disregard my wishes that they don't tell me while I am alive. That would bother me.

Well there is a big difference between please no open casket and please no service at all.