Birthday party/gifts for twins....question

[TheReader]

Is it always best policy to give a gift to both twins? Even if/when the child invited to the party only knows one twin and didn't even know the other twin existed? And does it make a difference if it's boy/girl twins, where presumably the boy invited his (male) friends and the girl invited her (female) friends?

 

I will absolutely buy a gift for the girl twin if that's what The Hive says, I promise. But I honestly didn't even know that this friend of my son's *had* a twin sister, until ds brought home the invite to "Boy & Girl's 12th Birthday," although it is probable that the other invited children most likely do actually know both kids. 

 

On a related note, for a 12th birthday pool party, do parents drop off their kid? (the party is at the host's home, not a public pool). Stay and help supervise the kids in the pool? Offer to stay and then do whatever the host mom wants? Insist on staying, since it's a pool party, but do so in a politely "I'm probably neurotic about this, but I'd really feel so much better if you let me stay and keep an eye on him in the pool..." kind of way?? 

 

My son's a competent swimmer, but I'm still that kind of mom that doesn't take eyes off him in the pool when we go, unless DH is also in the water with him. 

 

This is all new territory for us....this is the 1st bday party this son has ever been invited to that isn't for a family member, and honestly only the 2nd "friend" party any of the boys have gone to since Brazil. Help, please?

[school17777]

As a mother of boy/girl twins, usually the boys just brought gifts for ds and the girls for dd, unless the kids were friends of both of the twins.

 

For a 12 year old party, I am guessing that it will be a drop-off, unless you ask to stay. If you feel more comfortable doing so because of the pool, don't hesitate to ask - what you wrote is fine to say.

 

Hope your ds enjoys the party!

[SKL]

Hmm, at 12yo it's a tough one.  I would probably bring a gift for the inviting twin and bring a birthday card containing a small gift card for the other twin.

[SKL]

As for staying to watch the swimming, I think it is always best to ask the hosts if they need additional adults and offer to stay if they do.  I would not stay if my kid was a competent swimmer, unless asked by the host.  If you can't live with that, perhaps ask if it is OK if you hang around at poolside since you don't have anything else to do while waiting for pickup time.  I would not say you were paranoid about the water - the kids might hear that second-hand and I don't think it would improve your son's social status.  :)

[Paige]

That's a strange situation. I have twins and can't imagine a friend of theirs not knowing the other existed. It would probably be ok to just bring a present for the one you know, but I would bring 2. I would consider it kind of like a Christmas party where I knew someone I didn't know was coming- maybe someone's MIL- I'd buy a gift for that person. 

[heartlikealion]

Are you sure it's a twin and not a sibling that isn't a twin? Not that it should change the answer lol.

 

I would not know what to do, either.

[TheReader]

That's a strange situation. I have twins and can't imagine a friend of theirs not knowing the other existed. It would probably be ok to just bring a present for the one you know, but I would bring 2. I would consider it kind of like a Christmas party where I knew someone I didn't know was coming- maybe someone's MIL- I'd buy a gift for that person. 

 

Well....my ds has some developmental delays, and even though he attends a once/week homeschool enrichment classes thing with the boy twin (and I am assuming the girl twin, also), and has attended there for 3 years now, he literally only knows the names of maybe 4 kids, total. He doesn't know the names of the kids who sit with him in class, unless they volunteer it. He spent last year thinking he was talking to one particular friend who actually wasn't even attending there anymore.....had no idea, until I mentioned it to his teacher and she informed me, that the kid he was talking to (who he was sure was Kid A) was actually someone else. 

 

I mean, he's an intelligent kid, but he was in therapy for a year learning to talk to other people (just this past year), and has relatively poor facial recognition/social skills. So.....he remembers the kid who invited him (they were friends my son's first year at this place), they're friendly on the playground & at lunch time, but they aren't best buddies, we don't see them outside of class time, he's never been to the boy's house, etc. 

 

Probably the sister is even in class with him, but no one has pointed out "that is Boy's sister", and usually the boys and girls still sit separate from each other, so he just had no idea. I guess "acquaintance" is a better word than friend, or even classmate, maybe. And actually, maybe if I ask him, he might know who the girl is, even if he didn't realize before now that the 2 of them were brother & sister. Probably the girl knows who my son is (surprisingly, a lot of kids know him, and are friendly towards him, even though he doesn't talk to very many of them). 

 

But anyway, that's how it happened that I knew of the boy's existence but not the girl's existence. 

[SKL]

Are you sure it's a twin and not a sibling that isn't a twin? Not that it should change the answer lol.

 

I would not know what to do, either.

 

The invite said their 12th birthday, but yeah, it's true that this could still be 2 siblings or even cousins or friends sharing a birthday.  I guess I'd ask to make sure.  :)  My kids' birthdays are 3 months apart, and if I threw parties for them, I'd probably do one for both - but I think everyone they'd invite is aware they both exist.  :)

 

Edited September 20, 2017 by SKL

[TheReader]

Are you sure it's a twin and not a sibling that isn't a twin? Not that it should change the answer lol.

 

I would not know what to do, either.

 

Well, the invitations says to come for "Boy and Girl's 12th Birthday" indicating they both are turning 12, so I can only assume twins. Although I thought the boy was already 12, but then wouldn't the invite say "Boy's 13th & Girl's 12th Bday" or similar instead? 

 

In either case, I didn't know he had a sister (see lengthy reply prior to this one as to why I had no clue). 

 

I just feel so clueless about this stuff. Our kids were still all in the "mom sets up playdates" age range when we moved down to Brazil, and then our teens were slower to make friends when they got back (and old enough that there was no question about whether mom comes along or drops off), and so even though this is our 3rd kid, I really am doing these things for the first time. 

[Wheres Toto]

My kids are two years apart but both have summer birthdays and we have one party each year.   Most of their friends are mutual and we do one invitation.  Last year they had more individual friends and I did some separate invitations.  Those who were invited because they were friends with one of the kids brought a gift just for that child.   I thought that was the normal thing to do.  I did the separate invitations specifically because I didn't want them to feel like they had to bring gifts for both.

[Rachel]

I think it is fine to just bring a present for the child your son knows.

[vonfirmath]

Is it always best policy to give a gift to both twins? Even if/when the child invited to the party only knows one twin and didn't even know the other twin existed? And does it make a difference if it's boy/girl twins, where presumably the boy invited his (male) friends and the girl invited her (female) friends?

 

I will absolutely buy a gift for the girl twin if that's what The Hive says, I promise. But I honestly didn't even know that this friend of my son's *had* a twin sister, until ds brought home the invite to "Boy & Girl's 12th Birthday," although it is probable that the other invited children most likely do actually know both kids. 

 

On a related note, for a 12th birthday pool party, do parents drop off their kid? (the party is at the host's home, not a public pool). Stay and help supervise the kids in the pool? Offer to stay and then do whatever the host mom wants? Insist on staying, since it's a pool party, but do so in a politely "I'm probably neurotic about this, but I'd really feel so much better if you let me stay and keep an eye on him in the pool..." kind of way?? 

 

My son's a competent swimmer, but I'm still that kind of mom that doesn't take eyes off him in the pool when we go, unless DH is also in the water with him. 

 

This is all new territory for us....this is the 1st bday party this son has ever been invited to that isn't for a family member, and honestly only the 2nd "friend" party any of the boys have gone to since Brazil. Help, please?

 

For a 12 year old swim party, where I didn't know the parents involved, I'd be asking to see if I could stay to be "another pair of eyes"

 

If I was comfortable with the parents and tehre would be enough supervision, I'd be comfortable with my 10 year old being there on his own. -- and 12 is even older.

[heartlikealion]

Well, the invitations says to come for "Boy and Girl's 12th Birthday" indicating they both are turning 12, so I can only assume twins. Although I thought the boy was already 12, but then wouldn't the invite say "Boy's 13th & Girl's 12th Bday" or similar instead? 

 

In either case, I didn't know he had a sister (see lengthy reply prior to this one as to why I had no clue). 

 

I just feel so clueless about this stuff. Our kids were still all in the "mom sets up playdates" age range when we moved down to Brazil, and then our teens were slower to make friends when they got back (and old enough that there was no question about whether mom comes along or drops off), and so even though this is our 3rd kid, I really am doing these things for the first time. 

 

Not if this is a Brady Bunch scenario and they are step siblings.

 

[Miss Tick]

My 12yo twins would not expect a gift from a guest they were not friends with. Of course no one should *expect* a gift at all.

 

Another option might be for you to ask if they mind if you stay a bit. That leaves you the option of stepping out if everything looks good, or not. Do you think everyone will already know what issues your ds has? If not, the parents might appreciate a heads up in case anything comes up (like an awkward conversation or why he doesn't know the girl when they are maybe in class together). You don't have to go into detail or anything.

 

I would not expect parents to stay but I wouldn't be bothered if they did, especially if they helped as needed - or watched the pool if that was what they were comfortable with.

 

Figure out what would make you happy and then politely but unapologetically try to make that happen.

[Kassia]

I have twin sons and we would have a joint party for their friends, but they would each invite their own friends separately.  We never expected gifts for both of them and I don't remember them ever receiving gifts from guests they didn't invite themselves.  

[TheReader]

My 12yo twins would not expect a gift from a guest they were not friends with. Of course no one should *expect* a gift at all.

 

Another option might be for you to ask if they mind if you stay a bit. That leaves you the option of stepping out if everything looks good, or not. Do you think everyone will already know what issues your ds has? If not, the parents might appreciate a heads up in case anything comes up (like an awkward conversation or why he doesn't know the girl when they are maybe in class together). You don't have to go into detail or anything.

 

I would not expect parents to stay but I wouldn't be bothered if they did, especially if they helped as needed - or watched the pool if that was what they were comfortable with.

 

Figure out what would make you happy and then politely but unapologetically try to make that happen.

 

I will probably email the mom at the address given for sending RSVPs and see what she says. I've never met her, and while I'm sure her son realizes some of my son's delays, and mostly they aren't super obvious in a non-learning setting (other than as you mentioned, him not knowing all the kids' names even though he sees them weekly and has for 3 years...), but yes, I'd probably mention it as I explain why I'd feel better hanging out for a bit at least. 

 

It's a really long party, too, so maybe I would also offer to bring something to help out so she doesn't feel I'm inviting myself (even though I kind of am). 

 

As of this moment, my ds isn't 100% sure he wants to attend, so this may end up a moot point, but I just wanted to be prepared in case. I appreciate the feedback from everyone, especially moms of twins; I'm feeling a lot better about just sending one gift if ds decides to go (unless he mentions actually knowing the sister). Thanks!

[wapiti]

Like the others said, a 12 y.o. twin will not be expecting a gift from someone he or she isn't friends with.  (My twin boys have completely different friends...)

[SKL]

If the sister is a classmate of your son and the invitation said it was a party for both kids, I would lean toward giving some sort of gift to both.  In your son's mind, this is all about the boy friend, but you noted that his perspective may not be typical.  My kids have twin classmates, and if one of them invited my kids, both would receive a gift.

 

To me, it would be less to worry about if I had something for both kids.  Nobody is going to be offended by that.  :)

[TheReader]

If the sister is a classmate of your son and the invitation said it was a party for both kids, I would lean toward giving some sort of gift to both.  In your son's mind, this is all about the boy friend, but you noted that his perspective may not be typical.  My kids have twin classmates, and if one of them invited my kids, both would receive a gift.

 

To me, it would be less to worry about if I had something for both kids.  Nobody is going to be offended by that.  :)

 

Hmm. That's a good point. I am not certain if she's in his class(es) or not. I'm not 100% sure how to ask his teacher, who also has kids in the same age-range, without mentioning the party, which would be awkward if her kids weren't also invited. (the teacher is a good friend of mine). 

 

I love that he was invited, though, and in the interest in at least not messing this up and making it any *less* likely he gets invited places in the future, we'll definitely err on the side of least offensive, should he decide to go. 

 

(and, what is etiquette for RSVPing no? Do you still send a gift or card?? Or is that only for big things like weddings & babies?)

[wendyroo]

If the sister is a classmate of your son and the invitation said it was a party for both kids, I would lean toward giving some sort of gift to both.  In your son's mind, this is all about the boy friend, but you noted that his perspective may not be typical.  My kids have twin classmates, and if one of them invited my kids, both would receive a gift.

 

To me, it would be less to worry about if I had something for both kids.  Nobody is going to be offended by that.  :)

 

I agree.  Especially since you clarified that the boy is more an acquaintance/classmate to your son than a friend.  If the girl is also in the class, then she may well view herself as also an acquaintance/classmate to your son.

 

Since you said that the kids in the class have generally been friendly and accepting of your son, then I would probably treat the invitation like it is coming equally from two classmates, and I would get them each a gift.

 

Wendy

[Tanaqui]

I would just get both children a gift. Even if your son were very close to the boy and not the girl, she should still get a small token.

[wapiti]

I might think that way if this were a 4 y.o., but for 12, I don't think the girl twin's feelings will be hurt if the boy twin's friends don't bring her gifts.  Tweens aren't little kids.  Just sayin'....  I would ask the invited boy in what context he knows the birthday boy's twin sister.

 

(As a mom of twins, I would feel bad if one of my boys' friends felt an obligation to bring something for the other one, whom they don't know well.  At the middle school level, I dunno, it would feel odd.)

Edited September 20, 2017 by wapiti

[TheReader]

I might think that way if this were a 4 y.o., but for 12, I don't think the girl twin's feelings will be hurt if the boy twin's friends don't bring her gifts.  Tweens aren't little kids.  Just sayin'....  I would ask the invited boy in what context he knows the birthday boy's twin sister.

 

(As a mom of twins, I would feel bad if one of my boys' friends felt an obligation to bring something for the other one, whom they don't know well.  At the middle school level, I dunno, it would feel odd.)

 

re: the bolded.....my son honestly likely won't have a clue if he knows her or not. I mean, I'll ask him. I truly will. But even when he handed me the invite, and I read the names, and said, "Oh, your friend E?" (the name on the invite) my son replied, "I guess so." 

 

When I asked him if that was who had given him the invitation, he said, "I think so." 

 

He spent half of last year thinking he was hanging out with his friend R at recess. Until I told his teacher, who said R no longer attended class there, and there was literally no way possible the boy my son was spending recess with was actually R. My son was absolutely flabergasted at the information, and spent another few weeks certain his teacher was wrong (and never did, I don't think, ask the name of the kid he was actually hanging out with). 

 

Sooo.....if I say to him, "Hey, this says that H is E's sister, do you know her, too?" he is pretty unlikely to say yes. Even if, in fact, he sits at the same table as her, she is his lab partner, plays tag with him every day on the playground, etc. He just honestly won't (most likely) know the name of whatever people he hangs out with (he knows the names of his 2 teachers' children, because they also go to our church, have come to our house, and he sees them multiple times a week; he knows, at school, 2 other kids' names...R, who no longer goes there, and E, who is the boy having the party). 

 

I think I will talk to his 2 teachers and find out if the girl is also the twin, if she is also in my son's classes, if he does, in fact, interact with her on any kind of level, and go from there. They both also have kids who may or may not have been invited, but I think I'm going to have to cross that faux pax (sp??) and ask them about this anyway, as really and truly, my son likely won't know if he knows the girl twin or not. Even though, if he does, he'd have also known her the whole 3 years he's been there. 

 

The teachers understand my son's issues and can shed some light on this, and so long as I ask them not in front of their maybe invited (or not) children, that should be okay, I think. 

 

:sigh: Sometimes I forget how delayed my son is. :sigh: 

[TheReader]

I might think that way if this were a 4 y.o., but for 12, I don't think the girl twin's feelings will be hurt if the boy twin's friends don't bring her gifts.  Tweens aren't little kids.  Just sayin'....  I would ask the invited boy in what context he knows the birthday boy's twin sister.

 

(As a mom of twins, I would feel bad if one of my boys' friends felt an obligation to bring something for the other one, whom they don't know well.  At the middle school level, I dunno, it would feel odd.)

 

So, I asked him. He says he's "never even heard of" a girl called that, and insists no way, no how, he definitely does not know her, at all. 

 

He also admits, yes, probably she is also in his class, since her name is on the invitation. (at least he can use logic...?)

 

He is also still debating if he wants to attend or not, as he "only kinda knows" the kid who invited him. Which is more or less true, they are definitely acquaintances/classmates, not out & out friends. Which is odd, & kinda cool, for him to have close enough friends that he can now actually make that distinction. 

 

Sooo....if he does decide to go, I'll clarify with his teachers if he's interacted any with the sister, beyond the fact she exists in the same class, and we'll go from there and at least give her a card if he attends, with probably a small gift card at the very least, just in case. 

 

Thanks for all the help, everyone :) 

[mermo]

Another mom of b/g twins, totally fine to only bring gift for the boy.

[KungFuPanda]

My kids collect B/G twin friends. I don't know how this even happened, but there are 4 sets between my two kids At joint parties we buy for each birthday child, but even so there is a general feeling that this is in no way expected or required.

[mom@shiloh]

They might not be twins -- one child could be biological and the other adopted.  Their birth dates may be close enough that the parents do one party, both for their convenience and the convenience of guests who would come to both parties.  Just a thought.

 

 

[happypamama]

Well....my ds has some developmental delays, and even though he attends a once/week homeschool enrichment classes thing with the boy twin (and I am assuming the girl twin, also), and has attended there for 3 years now, he literally only knows the names of maybe 4 kids, total. He doesn't know the names of the kids who sit with him in class, unless they volunteer it. He spent last year thinking he was talking to one particular friend who actually wasn't even attending there anymore.....had no idea, until I mentioned it to his teacher and she informed me, that the kid he was talking to (who he was sure was Kid A) was actually someone else.

 

I mean, he's an intelligent kid, but he was in therapy for a year learning to talk to other people (just this past year), and has relatively poor facial recognition/social skills. So.....he remembers the kid who invited him (they were friends my son's first year at this place), they're friendly on the playground & at lunch time, but they aren't best buddies, we don't see them outside of class time, he's never been to the boy's house, etc.

 

Probably the sister is even in class with him, but no one has pointed out "that is Boy's sister", and usually the boys and girls still sit separate from each other, so he just had no idea. I guess "acquaintance" is a better word than friend, or even classmate, maybe. And actually, maybe if I ask him, he might know who the girl is, even if he didn't realize before now that the 2 of them were brother & sister. Probably the girl knows who my son is (surprisingly, a lot of kids know him, and are friendly towards him, even though he doesn't talk to very many of them).

 

But anyway, that's how it happened that I knew of the boy's existence but not the girl's existence.

I can totally see how that could happen, and I think it's probably not terribly unusual.

 

I would bring a gift for the boy if your son knows him well enough to pick out a gift and a card with a gift card for the girl. Alternately, cash or gift cards for both of them. It gets hard to pick out gifts for tweens you don't know well.

 

And after reading your update, it might not be entirely due to his delays that he didn't know about the girl. My own non-delayed 12yo might do similar. "I had no idea Sally is Jim's sister!" And he might well know that Jim is in his class but not Sally. My mil says that when DH would forget his homework assignment, she'd suggest he call one of the girls in his class. "Girls? There aren't any girls in my class." I think it might partly be a 12yo boy thing. ;)

Edited September 21, 2017 by happypamama

[TheReader]

I can totally see how that could happen, and I think it's probably not terribly unusual.

 

I would bring a gift for the boy if your son knows him well enough to pick out a gift and a card with a gift card for the girl. Alternately, cash or gift cards for both of them. It gets hard to pick out gifts for tweens you don't know well.

 

And after reading your update, it might not be entirely due to his delays that he didn't know about the girl. My own non-delayed 12yo might do similar. "I had no idea Sally is Jim's sister!" And he might well know that Jim is in his class but not Sally. My mil says that when DH would forget his homework assignment, she'd suggest he call one of the girls in his class. "Girls? There aren't any girls in my class." I think it might partly be a 12yo boy thing. ;)

 

Thank you so very very very much for saying that. I appreciate it more than you can imagine. 

 

I did ask him. He insists he has "never even heard of a girl called H" (did I already post this part?), but admits she very well could be in his class, "since her name is on the invitation." Ha! 

 

But, yes, the boys and girls still very much sit at separate tables, so maybe it just is a random 12 yr old boy thing. Thank you. If I could, I'd reach through the computer and hug you. 

[Rachel]

Seconding that boys can just be clueless about names. My 9 year old doesn't know the names of the kids on his robotics team that he worked with weekly for a year or anyone in his library class. We've been going to the library twice a month for 4 years and he knows the names of 2 boys.

[Carol in Cal.]

I cannot imagine going to a birthday party without provision for a gift.  So I'm afraid that would apply to both twins.

Re. the pool, I'd just casually stay.  I wouldn't make a big deal about it.

[TXBeth]

I think I would buy a board game like Settlers or Ticket to Ride and put both names on it.

[heartlikealion]

They might not be twins -- one child could be biological and the other adopted.  Their birth dates may be close enough that the parents do one party, both for their convenience and the convenience of guests who would come to both parties.  Just a thought.

 

yes, that is what I meant as well. Scenarios like that. I know a family where the mom and dad married recently and so now they are a family with 4 kids but 2 are biologically from the mom and 2 from the dad.

[Farrar]

I think it's fine to give a gift just for the twin you know, but I agree with sidestepping the whole thing by just giving a board or card game.

 

My twins are turning 13... they definitely have separate friends now but they generally want to have their together friends at parties.

[Catwoman]

Hmm. That's a good point. I am not certain if she's in his class(es) or not. I'm not 100% sure how to ask his teacher, who also has kids in the same age-range, without mentioning the party, which would be awkward if her kids weren't also invited. (the teacher is a good friend of mine).

 

I love that he was invited, though, and in the interest in at least not messing this up and making it any *less* likely he gets invited places in the future, we'll definitely err on the side of least offensive, should he decide to go.

In that case, I would definitely buy a gift for each kid. I'd rather be safe than potentially embarrassed if everyone else showed up with two gifts and my child had only brought one.

[mom2samlibby]

If he goes, just take a gift for the boy.

 

My daughter was invited to a b-day party for triplets once.  She was sent the invite by one of the girls.  There were two girls and a boy.  I asked the mom about gifts for all 3 and she said no.  They each invited 5 friends and they were only to get gifts from their invited friends.  She said she'd be overrun with gifts if everyone brought for all.