3rd child loves preschool, but hates going....

[4KookieKids]

I don't know where to ask this question, because I feel like my non-homeschooling friends would just shrug it off as a "kids have to learn to be away from you" issue, but it's not really a homeschooling question because it involves sending my child to school... So please be kind to me here!

 

Dc3 is 4 yo and started preschool at our church last month. My older two kids both attended there, we know the preschool intimately since we're a small church and dh is the associate pastor at our church, so we know for a fact that the school is excellent, a TON of fun, and that her teacher is great. According to her teacher, she gets along well with other kids, pays attention, and has a great time. She comes home with fun crafts and talking about her friends and everything they did. But she hates going. Not the actual parting from me at the door issue, but she tells me all the time how she doesn't want to go because she hates being away from me. How it's the worst thing ever to have to be apart from me and how she just hates it, despite how fun preschool is. She's resisted going for the last three straight weeks (she goes 3 hrs a day, 3X / week).

 

Any thoughts? Would you just insist she keep going? I really would like that time as "down time" and to work with my older kids, but my heart breaks for her every time she says that being away from me is the worst thing ever. :(

FWIW, up until this situation, I would've said she was outgoing, adventurous, feisty, and fearless. I'm not sure what's going on with her at this point though. She's been acting out a ton at home the last few months, but that was even before preschool started.

Edited September 15, 2017 by 4kookiekids

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sometimes kids just need to be with mom. I know that's probably not what you want to hear but it sounds like that's the argument that your four year old is making .

 

 

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[CadenceSophia]

One of the many reasons I home school is because I don't think kids should be separated from the family so young. PreK can be the right amount of outside activity for some children, but definitely not all children.

Sounds like she gave it a fair try, and she expressed herself clearly. I don't see how you can ask for more from such a little person. Of course if you keep forcing her, she'll adjust. But is that what you really want from her?

I'd personally being her home. Maybe she can watch an educational-ish movie in the mornings while you do school?

[OneStepAtATime]

You say she was already acting out before she started pre-school...

 

Could she be feeling left out while you are working with older siblings?  And going to pre-K maybe feels like she is getting dumped there to get her out of the way?  Even though you almost certainly have never said that or implied that, kids can get impressions like that (even if they are not consciously aware that they are perceiving things that way) and reacting to those confusing and hurtful feelings.

 

Or could she be having some health issues that you are not aware of?  Has she had a check up with your GP?  Could she be dealing with food Allergies?  Erratic Blood sugar levels due to hypoglycemia?  There are a host of things that might not be readily apparent but might be affecting her.

 

Or maybe she really, really, really just is not ready to be separated from you for extended periods of time, especially if her siblings are not going but get to stay home with you.  She is very little.  Not every little one does well being separated at that age.  DD did not.  I regret making her.  DS?  He thrived.  But they were two vastly different children.

 

You can make her stay.  She will probably eventually adjust, especially if you don't waffle at all, even in vocal tone, and make it clear (in a kind, loving, but firm way) she will remain there for the rest of the year.  But she may not ever feel truly happy going.  Hard to know ahead of time.

[lavender's green]

I put two of my kids in preschool last year. My 5 year old did great, and I have no doubt that it was the right place for him to be, in so many different ways, but I also have no doubt that doing preschool a year or two earlier would have been a disaster for him. My 3 year old always resisted it. I think it wasn't until the last month or two that he didn't cry at drop-off. The other kids in his class got over it within the first weeks - and he was the oldest in his class, with a birthday just days after the cut-off date. His need for Mommy was developing at a different rate. It was rough on him, and looking back, I have a certain amount of regret for it, but I also know that we had very good reasons for making the decisions we did that year. I'm glad to have that tender-hearted little man at home this year. :wub:  

 

So, carefully weigh everyone's needs, including your own. Plenty of parents send resistant children to daycare and/or preschool and they turn out just fine. Plenty of resistant kids grow to love preschool. I wouldn't say my kiddo ever loved it, but it was an opportunity for him to make friends, do crafts, play on a playground regularly, and just learn how to navigate situations outside the home.

[Tanaqui]

The biggest issue isn why you send your kid to preschool. If you need to send her to get homeschool done then you'll either need to figure out a new way to handle homeschool so that she's involved but not disruptive, or you'll need to maintain a cheerful demeanor as you tell her "Kiddo, you love preschool when you're there, and you'll just have to go for the rest of the year."

 

Personally, I'm on the side of keeping her home if she really is unhappy with leaving you, but if you cannot do that then it might be easier for her to adjust to preschool if she's going five days a week instead of three. That seems mean, but if, as you say, she's happy enough in preschool itself then it might work. She goes every day, it's consistent, she gets used to it - whereas this off-and-on schedule means she doesn't have to adjust and so she keeps thinking about Mom on the days when she's in school.

 

(And of course, if you have to send her, then you need to try to hit cheerful-but-firm. "I know you miss Mommy, but you also have lots of fun in preschool. I'll see you after lunch!" Sympathy is good, but it's easy to accidentally ratchet up a kid's anxiety by mirroring it a bit too well.)

[drjuliadc]

My middle son, who is almost 5 now, has always hated school because it means being away from me. I assumed it was because he was introverted. He doesn't even like little gym for an hour because I leave to go the grocery store next door while he's there. What kid doesn't like little gym? Introvert doesn't sound like your daughter's personality though.

 

Beyond him being introverted, he doesn't warm up to people for like an entire year. The only exception is my husband's best friend who brings him presents every time she comes. Ha ha.

 

My oldest six-year-old has always loved school but he is very extroverted. My six-year-old had to go to aftercare one day till 530. Afterwards I asked him if he liked it. He said yes. Then I asked him if he could choose, how many days would he go to aftercare and he said every day. I only asked him that question because I thought that would be his answer. I was just verifying.

 

I didn't feel like I had the option to keep my children home all the time with me. Meaning I couldn't have done it with all my various work and nonwork responsibilities. They only went two mornings a week until I had twins and then they went 3/4 days. Next year The twins will be three around the start of school and I think I will be able to keep my four-year-old home with me for kindergarten. He is so happy when we even speak of it.

 

It makes me feel bad too, but I know he'll be fine. I love his school and his teacher.

[4KookieKids]

You say she was already acting out before she started pre-school...

 

Could she be feeling left out while you are working with older siblings?  And going to pre-K maybe feels like she is getting dumped there to get her out of the way?  Even though you almost certainly have never said that or implied that, kids can get impressions like that (even if they are not consciously aware that they are perceiving things that way) and reacting to those confusing and hurtful feelings.

 

Or could she be having some health issues that you are not aware of?  Has she had a check up with your GP?  Could she be dealing with food Allergies?  Erratic Blood sugar levels due to hypoglycemia?  There are a host of things that might not be readily apparent but might be affecting her.

 

My husband and I were spending some time talking about it together, and we wondered both of these things: not enough attention and possible food issues. She has a check-up next week for her bday, and I'm going to talk with the doc about it. She doesn't have any obvious signs of food allergies (no hives, etc.), but she's been so volatile lately that I just don't know what's going on (one minute very happy, sweet, cuddly, etc. and the next she's screaming and clawing someone savagely bc they accidentally brushed against her). My bigger concern is the time thing, and it's awful to think she might feel like she's just getting dumped there to be out of the way (even if I feel it sometimes... :( ) So thank you for this, because these two things have been on my mind, even though I was having a hard time realizing or admitting it.

 

One of the many reasons I home school is because I don't think kids should be separated from the family so young. PreK can be the right amount of outside activity for some children, but definitely not all children.

Sounds like she gave it a fair try, and she expressed herself clearly. I don't see how you can ask for more from such a little person. Of course if you keep forcing her, she'll adjust. But is that what you really want from her?

I'd personally being her home. Maybe she can watch an educational-ish movie in the mornings while you do school?

 

I agree that she's given it a fair try. She was so looking forward to going! Her excitement *before* going was off the charts! And the first week she went but seemed a bit subdued, and then starting the second week she just started saying how she didn't want to go. It wasn't in a tantrum, but clear and matter-of-fact sort of thing in the morning when I comment about finding her show-and-tell or something. Part of me feels like preschool is so much better for her than watching a movie, but I agree that I don't really want her to have to adjust when she clearly would just rather be home.

 

 

 

The biggest issue isn why you send your kid to preschool. If you need to send her to get homeschool done then you'll either need to figure out a new way to handle homeschool so that she's involved but not disruptive, or you'll need to maintain a cheerful demeanor as you tell her "Kiddo, you love preschool when you're there, and you'll just have to go for the rest of the year."

 

Personally, I'm on the side of keeping her home if she really is unhappy with leaving you, but if you cannot do that then it might be easier for her to adjust to preschool if she's going five days a week instead of three. That seems mean, but if, as you say, she's happy enough in preschool itself then it might work. She goes every day, it's consistent, she gets used to it - whereas this off-and-on schedule means she doesn't have to adjust and so she keeps thinking about Mom on the days when she's in school.

 

(And of course, if you have to send her, then you need to try to hit cheerful-but-firm. "I know you miss Mommy, but you also have lots of fun in preschool. I'll see you after lunch!" Sympathy is good, but it's easy to accidentally ratchet up a kid's anxiety by mirroring it a bit too well.)

Thanks for these thoughts. Until this week, it never even occurred to me that I could consider withdrawing her (odd, I know, but true). So we've been very matter-of-fact with regards to "This is what the plan is and you have a lot of fun, etc." What's perhaps most convincing to me as I think about withdrawing her is that she's not howling or screaming. She's not even complaining or saying how awful preschool is. She's honest about the fact that it's a lot of fun, but she's also honest that it's not worth being away from me. I'm just not sure what my own needs are right now.

[OneStepAtATime]

My husband and I were spending some time talking about it together, and we wondered both of these things: not enough attention and possible food issues. She has a check-up next week for her bday, and I'm going to talk with the doc about it. She doesn't have any obvious signs of food allergies (no hives, etc.), but she's been so volatile lately that I just don't know what's going on (one minute very happy, sweet, cuddly, etc. and the next she's screaming and clawing someone savagely bc they accidentally brushed against her). My bigger concern is the time thing, and it's awful to think she might feel like she's just getting dumped there to be out of the way (even if I feel it sometimes... :( ) So thank you for this, because these two things have been on my mind, even though I was having a hard time realizing or admitting it.

 

 

I agree that she's given it a fair try. She was so looking forward to going! Her excitement *before* going was off the charts! And the first week she went but seemed a bit subdued, and then starting the second week she just started saying how she didn't want to go. It wasn't in a tantrum, but clear and matter-of-fact sort of thing in the morning when I comment about finding her show-and-tell or something. Part of me feels like preschool is so much better for her than watching a movie, but I agree that I don't really want her to have to adjust when she clearly would just rather be home.

 

 

 

Thanks for these thoughts. Until this week, it never even occurred to me that I could consider withdrawing her (odd, I know, but true). So we've been very matter-of-fact with regards to "This is what the plan is and you have a lot of fun, etc." What's perhaps most convincing to me as I think about withdrawing her is that she's not howling or screaming. She's not even complaining or saying how awful preschool is. She's honest about the fact that it's a lot of fun, but she's also honest that it's not worth being away from me. I'm just not sure what my own needs are right now.

That's a tough place to be.  Your needs have to be part of the equation, too.   :grouphug:   If you decide to pull her out, is there a babysitter you could hire to take her to the park or do other things with her maybe twice a week?  Or maybe all the kids so you have a bit of down time?

 

On a side note:  I went through a period when I was young where I was WAY overreacting emotionally and it was rather random.  Turns out I had an undiagnosed, asymptomatic kidney infection AND was hypoglycemic.  Just mentioning this because there very well might be a physiological issue at play that is at least partly contributing since she was having some issues before she started pre-school.

[4KookieKids]

That's a tough place to be.  Your needs have to be part of the equation, too.   :grouphug:   If you decide to pull her out, is there a babysitter you could hire to take her to the park or do other things with her maybe twice a week?  Or maybe all the kids so you have a bit of down time?

This is a good thought, since we'll be saving money from preschool if we pull her. One afternoon a week with a babysitter (for all of them!) might be enough to help keep my sanity. Hmm.... We'll wait until we talk with her doc next week, and then probably make a decision at the end of the month (she'll have gone for 6 weeks by then).

 

I confess to feeling completely taken off guard by this one. Out of all my kids, she's the one I expected would most thrive in preschool. She's social and outgoing and eager to get out there and explore and get her hands dirty. This is my kid who climbs the chain link fence at softball fields when I turn around a moment and then happily shouts down "Hi Mom! Look at me!" from 10 ft in the air. This is the kid that jumps on a bike and pedals off way far ahead of me for a 5 mile bike ride and only occasionally looks back to make sure I'm still there. This is the kid who jumped into the deep end at the pool (and actually learned to swim) and climbed 15 ft rock walls at 3 years old. But there's a tiny voice in the back of my head reminding me that this is also the kid who screamed bloody murder when I left her in the childwatch at the Y between 6-15 months because she couldn't handle being away from me, so I ended up only working out for 15 minutes at a time during that phase of life, because there was only so much crying those poor workers could handle! I'd completely forgotten how she used to panic when she was away from me, because it hasn't been an issue in so long.

[4KookieKids]

On a side note:  I went through a period when I was young where I was WAY overreacting emotionally and it was rather random.  Turns out I had an undiagnosed, asymptomatic kidney infection AND was hypoglycemic.  Just mentioning this because there very well might be a physiological issue at play that is at least partly contributing since she was having some issues before she started pre-school.

PS. How did you or your parents identify the issue? She has been way crazy off the charts and I wouldn't be surprised if there is something more going on. I can look back now and see how out of control she's been the last 3-4 months, but the honest truth is that it built on itself rather slowly, so it'd gotten very extreme before I actually registered that something was majorly off.

[OneStepAtATime]

PS. How did you or your parents identify the issue? She has been way crazy off the charts and I wouldn't be surprised if there is something more going on. I can look back now and see how out of control she's been the last 3-4 months, but the honest truth is that it built on itself rather slowly, so it'd gotten very extreme before I actually registered that something was majorly off.

With the hypoglycemia, it took over a year of my mom taking me to doctors periodically, them telling her nothing was wrong, her feeling there was and pushing a bit harder the next time, then finally some tests being run, which led to other tests, which finally led to tests that gave real answers.  

 

With the kidney infection, I was asymptomatic (no burning sensation, smell wasn't bad, no fever) but I just wasn't myself and I was peeing a lot.  After a couple of doctor's visits, they decided to check my urine.  They had mom bring in a sample of urine from home.  It was so off they assumed she had contaminated the sample BUT NEVER TOLD HER IT SHOWED AN INFECTION OR ASKED HER TO BRING ME IN FOR ANOTHER SAMPLE DONE AT THE OFFICE.  She found out when we switched doctors and moved my records. By then the infection was bad and I was showing more symptoms.

 

These things were happening concurrently but the kidney infection was first.  The hypoglycemia wasn't caught sooner because they were dealing with the kidney infection.

[OneStepAtATime]

This is a good thought, since we'll be saving money from preschool if we pull her. One afternoon a week with a babysitter (for all of them!) might be enough to help keep my sanity. Hmm.... We'll wait until we talk with her doc next week, and then probably make a decision at the end of the month (she'll have gone for 6 weeks by then).

 

I confess to feeling completely taken off guard by this one. Out of all my kids, she's the one I expected would most thrive in preschool. She's social and outgoing and eager to get out there and explore and get her hands dirty. This is my kid who climbs the chain link fence at softball fields when I turn around a moment and then happily shouts down "Hi Mom! Look at me!" from 10 ft in the air. This is the kid that jumps on a bike and pedals off way far ahead of me for a 5 mile bike ride and only occasionally looks back to make sure I'm still there. This is the kid who jumped into the deep end at the pool (and actually learned to swim) and climbed 15 ft rock walls at 3 years old. But there's a tiny voice in the back of my head reminding me that this is also the kid who screamed bloody murder when I left her in the childwatch at the Y between 6-15 months because she couldn't handle being away from me, so I ended up only working out for 15 minutes at a time during that phase of life, because there was only so much crying those poor workers could handle! I'd completely forgotten how she used to panic when she was away from me, because it hasn't been an issue in so long.

My DD was similar.  Bold as brass.  Climbed everything.  Super athletic.  Perfectly comfortable walking up to total strangers and introducing herself.  Loved meeting new people.  But did not function well being separated from me.  And now, as a teenager, she is still willing to meet new people, has some great friends, goes places (frequently without me) and enjoys it, but really likes hanging out at home the most.  Its just who she is.  

[MerryAtHope]

My husband and I were spending some time talking about it together, and we wondered both of these things: not enough attention and possible food issues. She has a check-up next week for her bday, and I'm going to talk with the doc about it. She doesn't have any obvious signs of food allergies (no hives, etc.), but she's been so volatile lately that I just don't know what's going on (one minute very happy, sweet, cuddly, etc. and the next she's screaming and clawing someone savagely bc they accidentally brushed against her). My bigger concern is the time thing, and it's awful to think she might feel like she's just getting dumped there to be out of the way (even if I feel it sometimes... :( ) So thank you for this, because these two things have been on my mind, even though I was having a hard time realizing or admitting it.

 

 

I agree that she's given it a fair try. She was so looking forward to going! Her excitement *before* going was off the charts! And the first week she went but seemed a bit subdued, and then starting the second week she just started saying how she didn't want to go. It wasn't in a tantrum, but clear and matter-of-fact sort of thing in the morning when I comment about finding her show-and-tell or something. Part of me feels like preschool is so much better for her than watching a movie, but I agree that I don't really want her to have to adjust when she clearly would just rather be home.

 

 

 

Thanks for these thoughts. Until this week, it never even occurred to me that I could consider withdrawing her (odd, I know, but true). So we've been very matter-of-fact with regards to "This is what the plan is and you have a lot of fun, etc." What's perhaps most convincing to me as I think about withdrawing her is that she's not howling or screaming. She's not even complaining or saying how awful preschool is. She's honest about the fact that it's a lot of fun, but she's also honest that it's not worth being away from me. I'm just not sure what my own needs are right now.

 

That's what spoke loudest to me from your posts too--that she isn't tantrumming about wishing she was home but being very matter of fact and honest about it. 

 

LOVE the idea of a babysitter for all of them one afternoon a week so you can get out! 

 

For the other afternoons, are there more strategies you could use like rotating one of the older ones half an hour or so at a time with her, to help keep her occupied while you work with another student one on one?

 

(((Hugs))) to you. Preschool issues (at a great school with a creative teacher!) just like this one with my oldest are what convinced me to homeschool! 

[Tanaqui]

What's perhaps most convincing to me as I think about withdrawing her is that she's not howling or screaming. She's not even complaining or saying how awful preschool is. She's honest about the fact that it's a lot of fun, but she's also honest that it's not worth being away from me. I'm just not sure what my own needs are right now.

 

Oh, that's rough. That's worse than tantrums! You gotta take it seriously when she's clearly put in the effort.

 

[kiwik]

Since she seems able to express herself well could you just sit down and discuss it. Maybe 1 or 2 mornings would be fine but 3 is simply too much? I had to make my kids go when they didn't want to because I worked but ds8 although he enjoyed it mostly would have always chosen to stay home.

[prairiewindmomma]

She just started last month and this is a big shift. I would give it more time.

[bookbard]

My boy is the same - fine when he's there, but just would prefer to be at home. My mental health is important too though, so I continue to send him, and I also feel that the regular practice interacting and negotiating with other kids is important. Honestly? He is an introvert, like me. He gets 'over' human interaction fast. That's just who he is. But for introverts I feel that practice interacting with others is even more important. So he will continue to attend twice a week, so I can have some time studying, and he can learn how to deal with other kids. 

[CadenceSophia]

But for introverts I feel that practice interacting with others is even more important.

Ouch. Being a introvert isn't something wrong that needs to be practiced away.

[City Mouse]

Di you think it is just that she wants to be with you, or does she have trouble with any transition?

 

My DS was like that for many years. It did not matter where he was or what the next thing was, he did not want to do the next thing.

[bookbard]

 

Ouch. Being a introvert isn't something wrong that needs to be practiced away. 

 

 

 

That isn't what I meant - I'm an introvert too. It means I don't seek out as much interpersonal contact as an extrovert. People who have more hours interacting get better at it. I want my boy to practice interpersonal interaction, as I think that learning to interact with others is just as important as learning arithmetic. 

 

[Rachel]

It's ok to take her out of the program if it isn't working. I took my son out of a preschool program at our church. There wasn't any one big reason why, he enjoyed going but he was intolerable once at home later in the day. I decided I'd rather have him home all day than deal with the meltdown after preschool. It was a good decision for us.

 

The preschool teacher at our church took offense, even when I explained it had nothing to do with her. I imagine if your husband is in staff you will need to be aware of potential hurt feelings.

[prairiewindmomma]

I've noticed a lot of anti-preschool sentiment in this thread, which isn't surprising considering that this is a homeschooling board.  :001_smile: I just enrolled my first child (#5) in preschool this fall.

 

Personally, preschool is able to do a lot of things that I was struggling to do consistently with my child. They are doing a lot of crafts and fine motor work.  They are working on phonemic awareness for a total of an hour (over a three hour period) daily.  They are providing daily playtime in a covered playground area, with other little friends.  Preschool provides a structured, electronics free environment for my kid who needs structure.

 

Preschool also benefits my other children.  They get my undivided attention, a quiet morning to focus on their studies, and a lot more structure since we have a hard start time and a hard stop time.  My sophomore in high school *still* needs me occasionally (hello, inverse functions) and my jr. higher can finally focus without all of the interruptions that were breaking up my time with him.

 

Preschool isn't necessarily bad, even for homeschoolers. Honestly, I kind of wish I hadn't been so afraid of the system with kids #1-4.  Preschool would've given me some mental breathing space as my preschoolers are bright, creative, and handy with screwdrivers and sharpies.  Homeschooling is a marathon, and frankly, I think a lot of people quit at jr. high or high school because they are completely burned out.

[4KookieKids]

 

Preschool isn't necessarily bad, even for homeschoolers. Honestly, I kind of wish I hadn't been so afraid of the system with kids #1-4.  Preschool would've given me some mental breathing space as my preschoolers are bright, creative, and handy with screwdrivers and sharpies.  

 

This makes me laugh a bit, just because I'm coming at it from the other side in the sense of having embraced preschool with all my kids, even  though I intended to homeschool! With the first, it was just easier to do preschool when he needed more activity and fun and I had two littler ones underfoot (including a newborn). With #2, it was easier, because I *still* had two littler ones underfoot (including a newborn) *and* by then I was trying to homeschool an older. I've been really looking forward to preschool with #3 for all the same reasons, and that's part of why I'm a little uncertain as to how to respond to her reluctance to go. :)

[Mommyof1]

My 4yr old is very independent, outgoing, risk taker and will talk to anyone at anytime.

 

But...she doesn't understand why she has to sleep alone in her room and Mommy and Daddy get to sleep together.

 

When Daddy had a health crisis and she was 2 nights at her Aunts with other kids. She asked why we left her alone. She felt alone even though she was around people she knew and had other kids to play with. She had a great time and didn't want to leave. She wants to go back to her Aunts and sleep over but only if Mommy is there.

 

Even thought she is an extrovert she is young and feels the most secure and comfortable if Mommy is there.

 

Maybe your's feels the same.

 

My DD does fine in Sunday School and doesn't even notice I'm not there. She knows I'm just in the next room. Small church.

 

Is her Dad in the building where she goes to school? Does she know where his office is and that he is there if she needs him?