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#1 ksr5377

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:06 PM

I will do my best to keep this concise.  

 

For a variety of reasons, MIL is not able to come to our home on Friday night for cake/ice cream for DD's birthday.  MIL asked if she could make a cake for DD for Thursday night, when MIL is helping to take/pick up some kids from soccer practice.  I told MIL I didn't think that was a good idea as  DD would only be at MIL's house for about 20 minutes that night, as she has an AHG meeting from 6-8 after soccer practice.   I emphasized this point because I didn't want to seem rude while rushing out of MIL's home on Thursday and I didn't want MIL to be disappointed that night if the evening didn't turn out how she thought it would if she went to all the trouble of making a cake.  So, today MIL calls to tell me that she called DD's AHG leader (who happens to be her good friend's daughter) and got the OK for DD to take a birthday cake to the meeting.   The leader told MIL that the cake could be part of the snack.  

 

So here are all my thoughts/concerns with this situation.

  

     1). I kind of feel like MIL went behind my back after I told her the cake idea wouldn't work out.  That she's talking to me like she "fixed" the situation, when in reality the only problem was she wasn't getting her way.

     2). I could see that the AHG leader would agree to this (even though I have never seen/heard of any other birthday celebrated there this way) because my MIL is good friend's with her mom.  What else could she say?  I don't want to be those people!

     3). Snacks are assigned each week.  This is not our week.  Plus, MIL's cake will not be enough for all 37 girls.  I feel badly that some girls won't get cake.  

     4) We have only lived close to MIL for about a year.  I'm having a hard time figuring out when I need to make a stand to enforce boundaries and when it's just not worth the fight.  I don't want to have a difficult relationship with her, but I don't want to let her walk all over me either.

     5).  And finally, I don't believe this was done with any thoughts of ME but instead with thoughts of MIL doing something special for DD.  I don't think she's coming from a bad place.  She's not a nightmare of a MIL, we're just not best friends.  

 

I guess my question is, would you take the cake?  Would you call her back and tell her no again?  Should I have DH call her and say no?  Wold you check in with the AHG leader to ensure that she's really OK with it?



#2 happi duck

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:15 PM

From your description it doesn't sound like you said "no" period. It seems like it was "no because..." which invites "fix it" mode.

If your DD doesn't care I'd probably work to undo it because it sounds like birthday treats are not part of the troops culture.
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#3 Carol in Cal.

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:17 PM

I think that I would put a good 'construction' on this.

I would say to myself, she doesn't want to ask me to change my plans, but she still wants to participate, but she doesn't want to put me out, so she is offering to make an extra cake herself.  This is nice.

 

Then with that idea firmly in mind, to help me be more thankful and friendly on the phone, I would call her up and say very cheerfully, "Wow that is SO nice of you.  I just wanted to call and let you know that if this is going to be part of the 'snack', it needs to be big enough to serve 37 kids, and we will need little plates for that--I have some of those that I can bring, but I wasn't sure that you knew how big to make the cake." 

 

 


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#4 QueenCat

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:18 PM


     3). Snacks are assigned each week.  This is not our week.  Plus, MIL's cake will not be enough for all 37 girls.  I feel badly that some girls won't get cake.  

   

 

Here is the just "no" part. Tell her that she absolutely must bring enough for all 37 girls, including all of the paper supplies. If she can't bring enough, than you cannot allow her to bring it at all. Call leader & let her know the deal. And apologize for mil putting her in that situation, just to be nice, not because you need to.


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#5 MedicMom

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:19 PM

I'd think she was being sweet, to be honest. She's trying to do something special for your DD, and it's likely that in her generation birthdays were celebrated at those sort of club meetings. In her mind, she might even be helping you out.

I would gently let her know there are 37 girls present. That might be enough to deter her. If not, I'd just say thank you and let it go. Especially if she's helping you drive kids around. It is likely to be a special memory for your daughter; the birthday Grandma made a cake for her and her friends.
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#6 QueenCat

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:23 PM

I'd think she was being sweet, to be honest. She's trying to do something special for your DD, and it's likely that in her generation birthdays were celebrated at those sort of club meetings. In her mind, she might even be helping you out.

I would gently let her know there are 37 girls present. That might be enough to deter her. If not, I'd just say thank you and let it go. Especially if she's helping you drive kids around. It is likely to be a special memory for your daughter; the birthday Grandma made a cake for her and her friends.

 

That's good, but it would not be okay to not bring enough for everyone.


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#7 prairiewindmomma

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:26 PM

I would follow Carol's advice, but to be honest, I would be irritated the whole dang time about it because I'd feel obligated to make sure that it all went well for dd's sake.  It'd be one more complication to my day (when I'm already very short on time). 


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#8 Annie G

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:32 PM

If she's using a cake mix it usually makes 36 cupcakes. She could make them slightly less filled and make 37. (I'm assuming a scratch mix has about the same amount of batter) So you can call and tell her that you fixed the problem of her having to make so much cake and eliminate the need to bring paper goods. 

 

There. You fixed the problem she fixed. (Which wasn't a problem to begin with!) Wonder how she'll like it that you butted in. 

 

 

I'm just feeling snarky. 


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#9 Danae

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:32 PM

I don't understand why 20 minutes at Grandma's house would not be enough time to eat a piece of cake.
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#10 OhElizabeth

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:36 PM

I would skip AHG and spend the evening with grandma. AHG will be there later, and grandmas pass very unexpectedly. I'd also have a chat with the AHG, because that's really odd. Either MIL is lying or the AHG needs to think through things better.

 

You don't have to like your MIL to bend over backwards to give your kid time with her. That's the part that it sounds like you're not doing. She's showing she wants a relationship with your dc, and your dc will be glad for that relationship.

 

I've had family (steps, bitter situation) that I personally didn't want a relationship with. Like it was totally in the no interest, not at all. But I BENT OVER BACKWARD to give my kid a relationship with those people. That kid is now very glad for those relationships. So no matter how you fixing it, that's what I would fix.


Edited by OhElizabeth, 13 September 2017 - 04:41 PM.

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#11 MedicMom

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:50 PM

That's good, but it would not be okay to not bring enough for everyone.


I suspect Grandma would either change her mind about providing a cake for that many people or make enough for everyone.

My mom is probably of the same age group. When she was young and in Girl Scouts and 4-H, birthdays were celebrated with a cake at the club meeting. It's a different world now with so many allergies and food restrictions, but it's likely the OP's MIL doesn't realize that it's not done as often now.
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#12 Renthead Mommy

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:51 PM

Call her back tell her if she is doing this to make sure she has enough cake for 40 people, plus the supplies.   If not, then sorry you just can not do it.  It is already something out of the ordinary and you don't want to the be the ones to start a new 'thing' with the group. 

 


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#13 J-rap

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 05:06 PM

Not really knowing the situation, I'd probably give her the benefit of the doubt and assume the best intentions.  I'd take the cake, assuming that since it's not really your turn to bring the snack, there will also be another snack (the main snack) and the cake is just extra.  Then, I'd cut the cake into 40 tiny pieces so every girl can have a taste.  I'd maybe give the AHG leader a head's up that this is not meant to be the main snack.

 

After that, I probably wouldn't overthink it.

 

 


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#14 Tibbie Dunbar

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 05:09 PM

I would say no. Don't let mil start hosting your kids parties without asking you, and don't let mil use a scout meeting (or any of your child's activities) as the venue without your speaking to the leader directly.

I agree with a pp who wondered why twenty minutes wasn't long enough for dd to share some cake with grandma? Or why the party couldn't be moved to another time in the wknd when she could be there? This sounds like a very involved grandma who should be included, without your losing a boundary as simple as being the one to arrange whether your child takes birthday cake to scouts.
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#15 onelittlemonkey

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 05:11 PM

Here is the just "no" part. Tell her that she absolutely must bring enough for all 37 girls, including all of the paper supplies. If she can't bring enough, than you cannot allow her to bring it at all. Call leader & let her know the deal. And apologize for mil putting her in that situation, just to be nice, not because you need to.


^^^this^^^ exactly.
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#16 Pink and Green Mom

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 05:11 PM

Haven't read the other replies, but I would call up MIL and say "just a friendly call to let you know you have to have enough cake for 37 girls plus the leaders.  Ok, bye!"

 

Bonus points if you can point out a number of allergies, like wheat, eggs, milk, etc.


Edited by Pink and Green Mom, 13 September 2017 - 05:13 PM.

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#17 Tap

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 06:23 PM

I would call the leader, apologize profusely,  and ask her assessment of the situation.  If it is really no big deal, then talk to the gma and make sure there is enough.  

 

I have a few concerns about bringing the cake:

 

1. It sets up every other girl to bring birthday cake/treats/etc to the gathering.  That is potentially 36 girls and will pretty much guarantee a dessert at every meeting. Maybe this is already the standard and is no big deal but potentially could start something that is annoying for everyone else. 

 

2. Where is this hosted?  Cake + kids = mess.  Plan to stay behind and clean up, including sweeping/vacuuming crumbs.  

 

3. Allergies are obvious.  Certain religions don't celebrate birthdays, so it can add in unnecessary awkwardness. 

 

4.  A personal pet peeve.  I don't like it when youth group events, get turned into celebrations about individuals.  Birthdays, or special celebrations don't belong at group activities to me.  It makes me feel bad for the kids who don't get celebrated.  Whose parents don't mention it or bring a cake. If there is going to be a birthday celebration at this event, then it should be done at every meeting (or at least once a month) and someone needs to be in charge of making sure every child's birthday is included and celebrated. 


Edited by Tap, 13 September 2017 - 07:14 PM.

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#18 Janeway

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 06:46 PM

I will do my best to keep this concise.  

 

For a variety of reasons, MIL is not able to come to our home on Friday night for cake/ice cream for DD's birthday.  MIL asked if she could make a cake for DD for Thursday night, when MIL is helping to take/pick up some kids from soccer practice.  I told MIL I didn't think that was a good idea as  DD would only be at MIL's house for about 20 minutes that night, as she has an AHG meeting from 6-8 after soccer practice.   I emphasized this point because I didn't want to seem rude while rushing out of MIL's home on Thursday and I didn't want MIL to be disappointed that night if the evening didn't turn out how she thought it would if she went to all the trouble of making a cake.  So, today MIL calls to tell me that she called DD's AHG leader (who happens to be her good friend's daughter) and got the OK for DD to take a birthday cake to the meeting.   The leader told MIL that the cake could be part of the snack.  

 

So here are all my thoughts/concerns with this situation.

  

     1). I kind of feel like MIL went behind my back after I told her the cake idea wouldn't work out.  That she's talking to me like she "fixed" the situation, when in reality the only problem was she wasn't getting her way.

     2). I could see that the AHG leader would agree to this (even though I have never seen/heard of any other birthday celebrated there this way) because my MIL is good friend's with her mom.  What else could she say?  I don't want to be those people!

     3). Snacks are assigned each week.  This is not our week.  Plus, MIL's cake will not be enough for all 37 girls.  I feel badly that some girls won't get cake.  

     4) We have only lived close to MIL for about a year.  I'm having a hard time figuring out when I need to make a stand to enforce boundaries and when it's just not worth the fight.  I don't want to have a difficult relationship with her, but I don't want to let her walk all over me either.

     5).  And finally, I don't believe this was done with any thoughts of ME but instead with thoughts of MIL doing something special for DD.  I don't think she's coming from a bad place.  She's not a nightmare of a MIL, we're just not best friends.  

 

I guess my question is, would you take the cake?  Would you call her back and tell her no again?  Should I have DH call her and say no?  Wold you check in with the AHG leader to ensure that she's really OK with it?

Talk to the AHG leader and tell her your MIL overstepped normal boundaries and tell the AHG leader to next time, tell MIL she needs to go through you for things, and that this is not the week for you all to bring snack. Plus, the group does not allow sugar snacks like that. 


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#19 Alice

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 06:57 PM

If it was me at this point I would probably call the AHG leader and see what she thinks about the cake. Realizing that you are probably reading the situation right and she felt pressured to say yes since it's a friend of her Mom, I would tell her not to worry about it and that you won't bring the cake. 

 

Then I'd call MIL and tell her that it was so sweet of her to think about dd but that it's against the rules..I'd phrase it something like "I know Susie said it was ok and she's just so nice but I know it's against their official rules and I don't want to get Susie into trouble. " And then I'd say that we could stay and have cake with Grandma and maybe be a little late to AHG if it came to that. It sounds to me like she just wants to celebrate a little bit and I would try and accommodate that.  

 

I live close to a lot of dh's family and it took me a long time to get used to things like this. Especially since I'm an only child and from a different kind of family culture. I've learned to be a lot more open to people stopping by or doing things for the kids that might not fit my plans. Almost always it ends up being good. For example, right now dd is playing cards with her uncle. Dh invited him to dinner tonight for her birthday. I wouldn't have invited him and probably 10 years ago would have felt like our family dinner was being encroached on. Now, it's nice to hear them having fun. I don't always feel that way because sometimes it's more intrusive that tonight's example but I've learned to appreciate the good. I've also figured out what things to hold firm on. For example, ds's aunt wanted to come to our co-op to watch him audition for a musical. He would have been mortified (he's 13). I very quickly made it immediately clear that was a no. 


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#20 CaliforniaDreaming

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:39 PM

NM double post

Edited by CaliforniaDreaming, 13 September 2017 - 07:44 PM.


#21 CaliforniaDreaming

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:43 PM

I agree it would be simpler to just skip the AHG meeting and have time with Grandma that night instead if it means that much to her. This is coming from someone who never had a grandmother in my life though... If it is truly not a problem with the troop I would just let her do it and tell her the numbers, or even supplement her cake with a few cupcakes myself to ensure there was enough.

For the future, perhaps if she can't come to your parties you can just work out a time where they can have a quality visit together on a day with no activities. Maybe she could take her to the movies or out shopping or something. Since she has a take charge 'fix it' personality, I would be careful of giving any details in the future when you are unable to do something she wants. Sentences like, "That day just won't work for our family- how about next Monday instead?" Without any reasons why the day doesn't work, or as few details as you can get away with.
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#22 Rebel Yell

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:49 PM

I don't know I how old OPs DD is... but we are not always able to arrange everybody's schedule to suit everyone, even if we intentionally celebrate a birthday on another day (3/5 of my house have birthdays that often fall on those variable-date holidays) We have work, school, and performance schedule, plus Grannies have work schedules too. If someone misses, they miss- Birthday person's schedule and desires have to take priority

Anyway, I would NOT be OK with anyone directly contacting a group leader to arrange anything. Nope nope nope.

And I also don't have the kids miss scheduled activities, as suggested above. If Granny can't miss whatever is preventing her from attending the child's actual birthday party, why should the child miss her activities to have cake with Granny? Unless this Granny lived far far away and was only in town for two days every five years- then we'd cancel everything to spend time.
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#23 maize

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:55 PM

I would skip AHG and spend the evening with grandma. AHG will be there later, and grandmas pass very unexpectedly. I'd also have a chat with the AHG, because that's really odd. Either MIL is lying or the AHG needs to think through things better.

You don't have to like your MIL to bend over backwards to give your kid time with her. That's the part that it sounds like you're not doing. She's showing she wants a relationship with your dc, and your dc will be glad for that relationship.

I've had family (steps, bitter situation) that I personally didn't want a relationship with. Like it was totally in the no interest, not at all. But I BENT OVER BACKWARD to give my kid a relationship with those people. That kid is now very glad for those relationships. So no matter how you fixing it, that's what I would fix.


I'm with OhElizabeth on this one, grandmas aren't around forever.

My children lost theirs unexpectedly last week, I can only wish now that they could have had more time with her.
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#24 CES2005

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:56 PM

I'm with OhElizabeth on this one, grandmas aren't around forever.

My children lost theirs unexpectedly last week, I can only wish now that they could have had more time with her.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

And also sorry if I missed another post about it.  :(


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#25 Rosika

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:09 PM

I'd be irritated but it'd be offset by realizing how much this grandma loved my sweet girl. I agree that her intentions were probably good, and that the "no, but" invited her to fix it by going directly to the AHG leader. Again ... annoying, well-meaning, and coming from a place of love. I had that MIL :) my husband does also LOL. 

 

1. I understand why you feel that way, and I probably would also. I do think in her mind she did fix it, though. She's meaning well. 

 

2. I agree that the AHG leader probably felt pressure from her own mom to allow this. I like the advice above to tell MIL "thanks, but no thanks, I don't want AHG leader to get in trouble for going outside the rules!"

 

3. Follow that with "we don't want to encroach on Little Sally's snack week." I didn't grow up in a culture that did the snack thing, but I'm learning from my kids' sports that it's, like, an exciting thing when it's your week to bring snacks. Maybe that's just my imagination, though. Either way, I'd hate to overshadow Sally's snack week, especially with the likelihood that it'll be "second choice" after cake since there won't be enough cake ... have MIL imagine her granddaughter as Sally ...

 

Is there any way to move MIL's cake to the weekend, maybe after soccer game? I think it's considerate of you to want to make sure the experience is good for her, too. I know that 20 minutes is technically enough cake, but I sense that you (and she? I would) expect more of a visit ... not just hi/cake/bye. Or perhaps move it to lunch during the week? 

 
I'd insist on it not happening at AHG for the above reasons (making it about others, not you and not MIL), but would otherwise be open to re-scheduling it at anytime that worked for MIL. I think this is an act of good faith - setting some boundaries (reasonable ones) while remaining open to her involvement in the kids' lives. 

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#26 Rosika

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:12 PM

For the future, perhaps if she can't come to your parties you can just work out a time where they can have a quality visit together on a day with no activities. Maybe she could take her to the movies or out shopping or something. Since she has a take charge 'fix it' personality, I would be careful of giving any details in the future when you are unable to do something she wants. Sentences like, "That day just won't work for our family- how about next Monday instead?" Without any reasons why the day doesn't work, or as few details as you can get away with.

 

Moving forward, perhaps it's a great time to start a new tradition?

 

My parents take each grandchild out for a special lunch the week of the kids' birthdays. The kids get to skip school (even the ones in public school) and pick a place to lunch. My kids are homeschooled so they and the little grandkids get a field trip also (zoo, ballgame). 

 

This is in addition to our family celebrations, which my parents are almost always at also. 


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#27 Jean in Newcastle

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:27 PM

I personally would tell MIL that she had overstepped her bounds when she called the AHG leader. In my mind, the arrangements made with AHG should be made by the parents only. I would call the AHG leader, apologize and ask that snack time go as it was originally planned with whoever's turn was next.

The matter of MIL celebrating the birthday would be totally separate and figured out within the family.


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#28 Seasider

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:36 PM

I personally would tell MIL that she had overstepped her bounds when she called the AHG leader. In my mind, the arrangements made with AHG should be made by the parents only. I would call the AHG leader, apologize and ask that snack time go as it was originally planned with whoever's turn was next.

The matter of MIL celebrating the birthday would be totally separate and figured out within the family.


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Exactly. I would speak to the AHG leader with the tone of apology, I'm imagining that your MIL's call was awkward. Enough cake for all, or cake for none, I say. Don't forget to ask MIL what she plans to do to accommodate the GF girls (not to mention any other food allergies).

And beneath it all, no matter how sweet the intention, if I were in your shoes I'd be hot and bothered about MIL making an end run around my parental decisions/nuclear family management. I'd use this as an opportunity to let her know - in whatever nice terms you put it - that she's not to plan to interfere like this again.
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#29 Seasider

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:46 PM

For thise saying skip the AHG meeting - no - those are only twice a month and often include activities towards a group goal. It's not like gramma lives out of town. Maybe it's just my personal issue, but grandparents are often retired with flexible schedules, seems more logical for them to be the ones to flex.
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#30 OhElizabeth

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 09:32 PM

Like some of the others here, we recently lost multiple grandparents for my kids. I agree there's flexibility on the grandparents' parent, but it seems like the focus of the op was how to establish turf, not how to build a relationship with the grandma. I think when she figures out that she wants her dc to have that relationship, she'll figure out what to do to make it happen. I LOVE the suggestion of a day off with grandma! That would be very creative. They can figure out something.


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#31 mathnerd

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 02:59 AM

 

 

Bonus points if you can point out a number of allergies, like wheat, eggs, milk, etc.

 

 

I would call her and point out the allergies and then I think that she will drop the idea. What about suggesting that grandma bring the cake to your house the day after the birthday. You guys can have a belated celebration together.


Edited by mathnerd, 14 September 2017 - 03:01 AM.


#32 ksr5377

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 04:41 AM

I would say no. Don't let mil start hosting your kids parties without asking you, and don't let mil use a scout meeting (or any of your child's activities) as the venue without your speaking to the leader directly.

I agree with a pp who wondered why twenty minutes wasn't long enough for dd to share some cake with grandma? Or why the party couldn't be moved to another time in the wknd when she could be there? This sounds like a very involved grandma who should be included, without your losing a boundary as simple as being the one to arrange whether your child takes birthday cake to scouts.

 

I think the bolded is my problem.  That's what I'm feeling like has happened.  I'm feeling like I made a decision as the mom, but it wasn't what my MIL wanted, so she "fixed" it - but the only real problem was that she wasn't happy.  I'm beginning to see a bit of a pattern with this.  

 

This year it was decided that we would NOT have birthday parties, and instead have low-key cake and ice cream after dinner on actual birthdays.  DD's birthday is the 15th, so that's the day for cake and ice cream.  I decided there wasn't any harm in inviting DH's parents, as we live close to them, but we were not inviting friends/cousins/out of town family etc.  Low-key.  MIL chose to go out of town this weekend to go camping with her boyfriend.  They do this often.  It's not a once in a lifetime event, just that it may be the last good weekend of the summer.  No big deal.  There's a chance FIL won't make it either.  Again, no big deal, the goal was low-key.

 

MIL knew that Thursday was going to be a crazy day for us and about a week ago offered to make dinner for us.  We see her on average three times a week.  So today we'll have co-op from 9-3:15, soccer practice from 3:30-5, MIL's for dinner from 5:10-5:30, then I will take the older two girls to AHG from 6-8 and the two younger children will stay at MIL's until DH gets there and decides to leave. Thankfully this is a fluke with the scheduling and every Thursday doesn't look like this. The other day when MIL casually mentioned making a cake for DD and having  DD blow out the candle and open her gift after dinner, I just couldn't fathom fitting another thing in those 20 minutes without making us late.  

 

As for missing the AHG meeting so MIL can celebrate with DD - I don't feel that's an option.  MIL could have given DD her gift this past weekend when she was here for most of Saturday, or on Monday when she was here for lunch, or Tuesday evening when she was at the park with us.  We see her often and she has hours and hours with my children every week.  She told me she purchased the gift more than 2 months ago. I'm not sure why she was suddenly so adamant about making DD a cake herself.  

 

I did call the AHG leader last night to verify that the cake was OK.  There was a bit of a mix-up though as apparently my MIL made it sound like there would be enough cake for all the girls when in fact there won't be.  So I called MIL to see if she could make two, and she agreed.  Obviously the whole cake thing isn't really a huge problem, I'm just having a lot of road bumps transitioning to having MIL involved in so much of our day to day life.  For 16 years we were 1.5 hours away from family.  There are so many blessings to being close to family, but there are definitely some challenges as well. 


Edited by ksr5377, 14 September 2017 - 04:42 AM.

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#33 Elizabeth86

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 05:21 AM

I would have dh call her and tell her to choose another day. My dh doesnt have any problems setting mil straight when she is out of line.

#34 marbel

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 06:49 AM

I personally would tell MIL that she had overstepped her bounds when she called the AHG leader. In my mind, the arrangements made with AHG should be made by the parents only. I would call the AHG leader, apologize and ask that snack time go as it was originally planned with whoever's turn was next.

The matter of MIL celebrating the birthday would be totally separate and figured out within the family.


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Yes, this. It seems simplest and most effective way to deal with the problem.   Start with the leader and get that out of the way.  

 

I don't see any point in asking MIL to ask her how she's going to provide cake for all the kids, or how she's going to deal with allergies and other food issues (which may or may not exist in the troop - I didn't get that from the OP but maybe I missed it).  Just be direct, or, since it's MIL, have husband speak to his mother, letting her know her idea is impractical and the troop is not expecting her cake. Obviously MIL didn't think this thing through.  It could be that she's oblivious and only focused on herself and her own wishes, or it could be that she is acting out of love and just trying to think of a way to get her beloved granddaughter a cake. I can almost see my mom doing something like this, without thinking through all the implications or details.  (I wouldn't let her go through with it if she had.)


Edited by marbel, 14 September 2017 - 06:50 AM.


#35 JFSinIL

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 07:37 AM

Maybe talk her into bringing birthday cupcakes - enough for each girl and no plates needed, just napkins - instead.  Tell her three DOZEN.  She can get that many out of two boxes of mix.  Or make a cake but also bring a couple dozen cupcakes.

 

Grandma is just trying to be nice for dd.  Doesn't sound too Emily Gilmore to me (so far).


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#36 mytwomonkeys

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 08:11 AM

Agreeing with others. Sounds like she's just being sweet and not overstepping any boundaries intentionally. Tell her to make 3 dozen cupcakes. Everyone will enjoy them & your daughter will be very appreciative I'm sure. This just doesn't sound like a big deal to me personally, so I woudnt make it one.

Edited by mytwomonkeys, 14 September 2017 - 08:11 AM.

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#37 momacacia

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 08:23 AM

You have a lot of great suggestions above for setting boundaries. My only suggestion is to actually start setting boundaries. It's a lot easier at the beginning to establish firm boundaries, you can always lower them, than it is to set up new ones once she's used to always getting her way. Ask me how I know. 😒 And, if she's anything like my "nice" MIL, give an inch she will take a mile. And going around you like that is not nice. It's intrusive and poor boundaries. She'd get her way a lot more if she dealt directly with you and established a relationship of trust with you.
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#38 QueenCat

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 08:58 AM

People keep saying to make 3 dozen cupcakes. What if all of the girls show up? Which one doesn't get a cupcake? Honestly, I'd bring them for the leaders to, as that is a kind gesture.


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#39 MedicMom

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 09:07 AM

I frankly think she's trying to help you out, without realizing that the culture of the club isn't to celebrate birthdays.
She's driving your kids to soccer. She offered to make you dinner on a super busy day and babysit your younger two while you took the orders to AHG. I'm betting she thinks she's helping you out on a busy day by making the cake for you.

I get that it's an adjustment moving closer. We've always lived within minutes of both sets of grandparents, who are very involved in my kid's lives. I like it that way, because they are good, loving grandmothers and they truly help me out a lot. They would totally do a cake without thinking, but that's because they are from a time and a culture where food allergies barely existed and food was present at everything, especially a birthday.

If you want to draw boundaries, that's fine; but I think when she's driving your kids to activities and offering to make dinner for your whole family when she knows you don't have time, you need to decide whether you really want that level of involvement or not.

Edited by MedicMom, 14 September 2017 - 09:09 AM.

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#40 SKL

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 10:59 AM

This would not bother me.  I think it will delight your DD and the girls at the scout meeting.  Maybe they will cut the cake in slivers or only share it within her level.

 

To me, this is your MIL wanting to celebrate your DD's birthday without encroaching on the plans you already made for DD.

 

So wonderful to have a MIL who helps with the kids, wants to celebrate with them, listens to your concerns, and is a fixer rather than a complainer.  :)


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#41 Reluctant Homeschooler

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 11:13 AM

She probably just wants to be involved in her grandkids' lives, which is a sweet, lovely thing. I would, however, not be happy about her contacting the troop leader directly. I'm betting she felt comfortable doing it in this situation because she is friends with the leader's mom and so knows the leader herself. But I would be very quick to quash things if that kind of "helping" happened again. I don't need well-meaning relatives "fixing" things with my kids' teachers or group leaders or whatever. That's my job.


Edited by Reluctant Homeschooler, 14 September 2017 - 11:13 AM.

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#42 Little Nyssa

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 10:50 PM

It would not bother me at all, and I wouldn't interfere. MIL made a plan independently with the AHG leader. That would be fine with me- it wouldn't take away anything from her real birthday the next day, it is just a nice treat. If AHG leader felt it was not appropriate, that would have been her business to say so, and her business also to tell MIL how many girls to plan for.
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