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Does your partner expect homeschooling to be done at a certain time?


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#151 Dust

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 03:45 PM

OK, I'll be the one to say it. I think there are some psychological issues going on in the individuals and relationship dynamics in this situation that require professional help by a licensed professional. I'm guessing things that are something like learned helplessness, pessimistic thinking, control issues, background of normalized chaos,  and such.  I'm not professional so I'm not qualified to label or diagnose anything, but the chronic paralysis for doing routine things like childproofing; sending a child to bed when it's late even though he's giving dad a back rub; insisting on not being able to do anything about a child seeing adult content; controlling issues related to sharing the car, buying a stool, threatening to tear down curtain rods; and other things listed aren't going to be solved by sharing ideas from others who have homeschooled through similar situations.  

Lion, I hope you find someone who can help you and your family through this difficult time.

 

 

Yes. 

 

I read quickly through this thread. What stood out to me most was the thought, "something's wrong, and I don't think it's the OP's ability to homeschool or the time she finishes school each day" 

 

Right now things are tough. You've got a kid who is old enough that he really should be doing schoolwork. You've also got a toddler who is making that very difficult for you. But worst of all, the stress is causing you and your DH to butt heads with each other.

 

Gently, because I know you're stressed, and this thread has been pretty harsh, I think you should try to focus on your relationship with your DH. I think you said your DH isn't interested in marital counselling, but that doesn't mean there's nothing the two of you can do. Can you put the kids to bed early, or get a babysitter, and go to a coffee shop (or somewhere without kids) and talk?

 

I'm no marriage expert, but if I were in your situation (and I have been in a similar one where I realized we needed to work on our relationship, and DH didn't really notice that it was in a not so good place) I would read articles/watch youtube videos about how to fix the relationship, stuff like "how men's minds work" or "how to communicate with your spouse" etc. Someone else probably could give you better suggestions.

 

Remind yourself why you married your DH. Think about your goals. Then go to him. Bring up those happy memories from the beginning of your relationship. Get him to talk about his goals. Goals for his career, goals for the house/location, goals for the kids. Tell him, without venting at him, what you've been wanting. That you want to communicate with him. That you want to live in a home that works for you, not against you. That you need functional shelves, for example. Tell him that sometimes you just want to be able to do home improvement projects too, and that you need the right tools for your new "hobby". Make analogies to his office, if needed. 

 

I've said to my DH "you wouldn't like it if I came to your workplace and left a bunch of plates all over the desk and printer, poured out your garbage can, and emptied your drawers." I used that to explain that homeschooling is a job for me, and that I don't have time to clean up the mess that 3 other people are leaving all over the place each evening, and homeschool, and keep the kids fed and cared for. He started helping me with the dishes and cooking. 


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#152 Dust

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 04:09 PM

I'm also trying to do school with a toddler at home (she's younger that I suspect yours is though). It's really hard. Especially if I try to do school with her every day. I'm grateful that I have relatives that I can send her to, at least some of the days. 

 

Before I started sending her away for DS's school, I remember thinking about possibly paying for have her cared for 2 days/wk in a preschool type program, and remember thinking "ok, but that only solves 2 of the days, and we need to do at least 4." But now that DD is at someone's house most mornings, I've found it is easier for DS to get school done when she is around than it was before when she was home every day. 

 

I expect school to be done by a certain time. If we aren't done by 2, well too bad. I lack the energy after that time, and DS won't pay attention as well either. There are days where I could tell we would have to start quickly and try to get English and math done, and then just kinda hope the rest might get at least partially done. (That was every day back when DD was home every day)

 

My DH understands that school is important, and is always worried that DS is falling behind. He doesn't quite get that we aren't a regular school, and that if he's "behind" in one thing, we can work a bit longer, or more days on it, and it will be fine. Your DH sounds like he also doesn't quite get that you aren't a regular school, but in the opposite way. He thinks you just do school all day, and then your poor DS has to keep doing school all evening. He doesn't realize that there are long stretches of time where your DS gets his free-time in the day time. And he doesn't realize that you don't have a janitor, school bus driver, recess monitor, cafeteria, and preschool at your DS's school. You have your preschooler IN THE CLASSROOM with you all day! Schoolteachers don't have to bring their toddlers to work. If things are going to get done, you will need to save some things for when someone else (DH) can watch the toddler. 

 

At first, my DH didn't like when DS had school scheduled on a day he was home from work, but now he understands it. We have our own school schedule. We have our own days off, and it depends on what other activities I am doing. We take a lot more field trips. We take a lot more snow days and play outside 'cause it's gorgeous days. We still have to finish a whole level of math within 52 weeks, and if we take off all of the work holidays, plus all of the "DS isn't able to focus and do his work today" or "DD is not letting us do anything today" days, plus all of the co-op/field trip days, we will only finish half of the math book. And face it, DS probably won't actually learn and internalize the day's lesson when he is distracted by the toddler tearing things apart, so it really helps to do school at a time when someone (DH) can watch DD. 

 

 


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#153 heartlikealion

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 04:18 PM

Yeah, this is what we were dealing with when we tried to put things high enough to be out of reach to my climbers.  

 

http://dottiesuniver...g-together.html

 

I think the image I'm supposed to see is not showing up. I mean the image under "what do I do?" I'm guessing it was a solution picture? lol
 


Edited by heartlikealion, 15 September 2017 - 04:22 PM.


#154 heartlikealion

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 04:29 PM

OK, I'll be the one to say it. I think there are some psychological issues going on in the individuals and relationship dynamics in this situation that require professional help by a licensed professional. I'm guessing things that are something like learned helplessness, pessimistic thinking, control issues, background of normalized chaos,  and such.  I'm not professional so I'm not qualified to label or diagnose anything, but the chronic paralysis for doing routine things like childproofing; sending a child to bed when it's late even though he's giving dad a back rub; insisting on not being able to do anything about a child seeing adult content; controlling issues related to sharing the car, buying a stool, threatening to tear down curtain rods; and other things listed aren't going to be solved by sharing ideas from others who have homeschooled through similar situations.  

Lion, I hope you find someone who can help you and your family through this difficult time.

 

 

It's okay, it's not like it wasn't obvious to me already. I tried to set up counseling over the summer when he had shorter work days because I figured we'd at least have a shot at getting seen before their office hours end. But he didn't want to do it in the summer because we used up all the money in the flex spending plan and the plan started back over in Sept. I did find a sitter I like and trust to watch the kids. I took the kids over to her home for a potluck. We met one of her children. Ds and I met up with her recently to drop off birthday presents to her kids from the party we missed. But she lives quite far and just started working. She was a SAHM when we met. She could probably still babysit a late afternoon or evening I imagine. I was thinking of finding a counselor near her home so we could drop the kids off and they wouldn't have to stay long. If we found a sitter here it would require at a min. 3 hours and that wouldn't leave much room for dh and I to go out afterwards if we wanted to have some time to chat after the session (besides the car ride home). I haven't given up hope, though. I'm going to log into his ins. network (he told me to do it myself, so it's not like I'm doing this without consent) and see what counselors are in our network and possibly near her. Her home is better baby proofed, too. One of my biggest hang ups with sitters if there's an emergency they'd have to arrange a car seat for dd. But my friend is a car seat tech and even has spares.


Edited by heartlikealion, 15 September 2017 - 04:30 PM.


#155 Margaret in CO

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 05:07 PM

I want to encourage you all with climbers--they grow up to be incredible athletes! Athletes with a lot of trips to the ER--just had 2 trips in the last 2 weeks with dd (23). Hang in there. 



#156 Guinevere

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 05:12 PM

What does time out look like in this scenario? She's already being required to stay on one piece of furniture in a room by herself. That's how we do time out at my house.


I have actually taken a child out of bed and put them on a chair and told them they couldn't go back to bed until they would do it nicely. Sometimes reverse psychology works, and it did beautifully in this case.
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#157 Where's Toto?

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 06:34 PM

I think the image I'm supposed to see is not showing up. I mean the image under "what do I do?" I'm guessing it was a solution picture? lol
 

 

Unfortunately I didn't actually find a solution.  I was just sharing for the image of the two of them.  They basically had to outgrow that mischievous, what-else-can-I-get-into stage.

 

I don't even remember what that image was but I think it's likely it was one of those things that were (are?) popular in signatures on some boards that flash or move and say something about you.  I can't think of what they were called.