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What would you do? ds's friend might be swiping stuff CC


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#1 solascriptura

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:40 PM

My ds made a friend last year and we see him a lot.  Since he's in the neighborhood, he comes over a lot and I've agreed (his mom asked) if I would watch him for about an hour in the morning and then drive all of them to school.  This wasn't a big deal to me since I already drive my kids and we have the space in the car.  Well, this kid has made himself very comfortable in my home.  My kids have caught him taking gum and candy from their stashes.  Of course he denied it, but I believe my kids.  They've caught him in the act and he's a pretty bad liar.  haha.  We really stress respect for one another's property and my kids have always shown me that I can trust all of them in this aspect.  Well, I confronted his mom very nicely through text since our boys are friends but we really aren't.  She apologized and we didn't see him much for a bit. 

 

Well, once school started up again, I agreed to watch him and now I'm getting suspicious again.  My dd claims that she had a few dollars of change on her desk (it's in a common living space) and now it's missing.  Ds also says that he found his friend looking through my other daughter's bag looking for candy or something.  I'm totally perplexed about this.  I agreed to give the kid a ride to school and I have no desire to "parent" him.  Do I just tell his mom that I don't want to give him a ride anymore?  This is my initial reaction since I have enough on my plate and don't want to deal with this.  While I don't love the idea of confronting the friend and mother, is that the best thing to do?  It might be the simplest, but is it the best thing to do?    

 

I'm asking for advice from a Christian perspective.  I'm just so annoyed to have to deal with this.  



#2 Starr

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:47 PM

You bring back memories. And then you see your kids stuff at said friends house, awkward. That family friendship didn't work out so well. We are cordial but had to back off.  :grouphug:



#3 solascriptura

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:51 PM

You bring back memories. And then you see your kids stuff at said friends house, awkward. That family friendship didn't work out so well. We are cordial but had to back off.  :grouphug:

Yeah,  it's little stuff right now.  candy, gum, change.  But I hate feeling suspicious of people and on guard in my own home.  I don't even leave my purse in the usual spot anymore.  So annoyed.  



#4 MercyA

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:53 PM

He was caught in the act, again, going through someone else's things. I think the best thing to do is be upfront and honest. Cutting them off without explanation would be unkind. "I am so sorry to have to say this, and I know it's awkward, but we've found that your son doesn't respect other people's personal property when he's in our home. He has been going through other people's things. We won't be able to give him a ride in the morning any more." The end.

 

I hate confrontation, but I don't think there's any way around it in this case. Likely the sooner you get it over with, the better.  :grouphug:


Edited by MercyA, 12 September 2017 - 10:55 PM.

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#5 Tap

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:53 PM

Either just say it isn't working out so you can bow out without conflict or set him up and video it.  If you can't video it (a cell phone camera is easy to hide)  then mark some coins and leave them out.  Check on them each day and if they go missing, you can ask him to check his pockets.  That is harder to do if he refuses and can create some drama.  The video is the easiest way that you can prove what happened, avoid the lying, and show it to mom.   She needs to get this under control now, or it will only get worse with time. 


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#6 MommyLiberty5013

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:57 PM

You deserve respect and privacy in your own home. But it sounds like kid has free range of your home. Maybe bedrooms/private areas need to be off limits now?

You should trust your gut. Also, I had a BFF in HS that was stealing from retail stores. It was tough but I actually ended my friendship with her. I was worried I'd get "blamed" if I was with her "guilty by association."

Chances are if this kid is stealing at your home, he's doing it elsewhere. Or will do it elsewhere in the future. Are you prepared to have your child "guilty by association?"

Change the rules at your home. Like he stays in the foyer. Or don't drive him.
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#7 solascriptura

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:58 PM

Either just say it isn't working out so you can bow out without conflict or set him up and video it.  If you can't video it (a cell phone camera is easy to hide)  then mark some coins and leave them out.  Check on them each day and if they go missing, you can ask him to check his pockets.  That is harder to do if he refuses and can create some drama.  The video is the easiest way that you can prove what happened, avoid the lying, and show it to mom.   She needs to get this under control now, or it will only get worse with time. 

I can't do this.  He isn't consistent enough.  I knew my ds had a forgotten dollar on his desk and it's still there.  Yeah, I'm kind of knowing what I need to do.  

 

Concerning the CC, I guess I was second guessing myself.  You know, forgiveness and giving the person another chance.  Of course I did give him another chance and he messed that up too.  


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#8 Ausmumof3

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:59 PM

Either just say it isn't working out so you can bow out without conflict or set him up and video it. If you can't video it (a cell phone camera is easy to hide) then mark some coins and leave them out. Check on them each day and if they go missing, you can ask him to check his pockets. That is harder to do if he refuses and can create some drama. The video is the easiest way that you can prove what happened, avoid the lying, and show it to mom. She needs to get this under control now, or it will only get worse with time.


Is it legal to video minors without consent?

#9 Gaillardia

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:05 PM

Yes, maybe you have to start leaving earlier for some reason and it is no longer convenient. 

Actually, you never owe anyone an explanation on why you can no longer continue to do a favor.

If you were going to continue to give this person a ride, he can either wait on the porch or sit at the kitchen table.

I have known all kinds of moms. Some would fight me on it, others are horrified their child would behave in such a manner and wished that I would have taken them aside instead of just stopping our kids from hanging out together. 

You sound like a fairly relaxed kind of person and hearing an accusation from you might be easier to take than from some other mom who may be very intolerant. Good luck.


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#10 Tap

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:09 PM

Is it legal to video minors without consent?

Yes, you are allowed to have security cameras in areas of you home that are not deemed private spaces.  So, not in the bathroom, but in a common living area. Yes, you can.  If someone is concerned about the legality, then posting a window sticker about security cameras in place, would likely cover it.

 

It isn't footage that is being broadcast on TV, or online, or shared with other people, just the parent. 

 

It is no different than a grocery store or mall store having security cameras


Edited by Tap, 12 September 2017 - 11:11 PM.

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#11 solascriptura

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:10 PM

Yes, maybe you have to start leaving earlier for some reason and it is no longer convenient. 

Actually, you never owe anyone an explanation on why you can no longer continue to do a favor.

If you were going to continue to give this person a ride, he can either wait on the porch or sit at the kitchen table.

I have known all kinds of moms. Some would fight me on it, others are horrified their child would behave in such a manner and wished that I would have taken them aside instead of just stopping our kids from hanging out together. 

You sound like a fairly relaxed kind of person and hearing an accusation from you might be easier to take than from some other mom who may be very intolerant. Good luck.

Thank you!  I am a relaxed person, but I'm not a doormat.  I already have 4 kids and have no desire to parent another one right now.  Also, I konw that some parents do not want others to correct their children.  I get it and I can respect that.  Well then, people need to respect my home and family life too!  no?  


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#12 Gaillardia

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:24 PM

Thank you!  I am a relaxed person, but I'm not a doormat.  I already have 4 kids and have no desire to parent another one right now.  Also, I konw that some parents do not want others to correct their children.  I get it and I can respect that.  Well then, people need to respect my home and family life too!  no?  

Absolutely! It is just not working out for you anymore.

Maybe they would like to start taking your kids instead. 

 

 

:lol:  I'm kidding.



#13 laundrycrisis

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:30 PM

Make bedrooms off limits to company.  This solves a lot of potential problems.  When friends visit, have the kids stay in a central area that does not have any personal stuff in it. 


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#14 solascriptura

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:41 PM

Make bedrooms off limits to company. This solves a lot of potential problems. When friends visit, have the kids stay in a central area that does not have any personal stuff in it.



I know what your saying, but it's my home. I will live in it like I want to. I'm not trying to argue with you. I've always stressed to my kids that we spend most of our time together and bedrooms are only for sleeping. I don't think that they should have to put their pocket money or candy into hiding to keep it safe. Privacy is only for changing or showering in my house. Since I've always stressed respect for one another's stuff the kids have really lived up to it. They don't take one another's stuff without asking. I don't eat their Halloween candy either. These are just small examples.

Thank you for the advice though. It's just not a fit for my family. I know what I have to do. I don't love confrontation, but I'll put my big girl panties on.
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#15 Ellie

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 12:41 AM

I can't do this.  He isn't consistent enough.  I knew my ds had a forgotten dollar on his desk and it's still there.  Yeah, I'm kind of knowing what I need to do.  

 

Concerning the CC, I guess I was second guessing myself.  You know, forgiveness and giving the person another chance.  Of course I did give him another chance and he messed that up too.  

 

Forgiving someone does not mean that you don't hold him responsible for his bad behavior. If anything, I would say that you'd be obligated to go to him directly and tell him that you believe he has been stealing from you and your children, and go from there.


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#16 Katy

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 02:22 AM

If it was your kid, wouldn't you want to know why he's no longer allowed at someone's home?  It's awkward, but chances are this isn't the only scenario he's stealing in.  His parents need to know.  Kindly but politely inform them.  Then just keep him away from your home and family.  There is no Christian requirement to be a doormat.  The turn the other cheek, walk an extra mile thing was not about submitting to abuse, it was about refusing to submit psychologically to political domination.  This isn't political, it's a kid who needs a course correction before he ends up in jail.


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#17 fralala

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 05:02 AM

It sounds like it may be the kindest thing for him if you say frankly that you are not up to the task right now of having another kid around. That's the truth. I have gone through periods of that in my life, too. Kids are hard. Finding grace and patience for kids who aren't our own, who may have different rules and different family cultures, is a big challenge. And stealing does feel like a violation. Ouch.

 

But it's also true that many kids do go through stages where they steal things, and where they lie about it, without being bad seeds or on the path to prison. I think the main thing in this situation is to try not to judge his behavior, but to approach it just as you've repeatedly said-- you don't have the resources to parent another kid right now, and really, whenever we invite another child into our home, it's necessary for us to have the resources at the least to be an adult who can guide and mentor them to some extent. As a former (somewhat) bad seed myself, I really appreciate my friends' parents who made space for me at the dinner table, in their car pools, after school, in their lives. They are part of the reason I try so hard to be a good seed today. And I appreciate your acknowledgment and truthfulness that it is extremely challenging to do so and that you don't have it in you right now. Unlike others, I don't necessarily think you need to pin this all on the stealing because it sounds to me like that opens you up to "Well, we've worked on this, he's reformed, he's promised not to steal, give him another chance," and you really seem to have figured out that you don't want this extra responsibility. You did already alert his mother once as to the behavior. Good luck. These neighbor childcare situations can be tricky and uncomfortable and awkward enough without these extra challenges.



#18 JudoMom

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:02 AM

I would tell the mom why you can no longer give him a ride. You've already been honest with her once, so do it again. I wouldn't lie. True love does what is best for the beloved. In this case, I think it's honesty with his mom and keeping your home as a safe space for your family.
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#19 Mommyof1

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:11 AM

How old is the kid?

#20 coralloyd

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:32 AM

I have not read the other responses.

 

I know you say you don't want to/can't parent him, but God put him in your home for a reason. If you pray and feel that you have already done everything God wants you to do in this situation, then by all means end it now. If, however, you do not have that peace consider what I have to say.

 

Have you confronted the boy? I mean outright, not asking if he did it, but telling him you know he did it and you would like to talk to him about why. I would be worried about him and what is going on inside his head. As a Christian I would view having the child in my home everyday as an opportunity to minister to him. I would pray and ask for God to give me the words, and help me to show His love to the boy. If he continued after these efforts I would then consider ending the arrangement, by letting his mom know why. 


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#21 solascriptura

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:32 AM

How old is the kid?


Just about 12. I actually like him and I realize that this might be a phase or a very relaxed family culture.

#22 prairiewindmomma

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:41 AM

I think MercyA is spot on.

 

12 is a little old for such shenanigans. I initially thought he was 6-7. I'd alert mom, end the commitment, and move on.

 

 


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#23 Mommyof1

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:58 AM

You spoke to the mother and it's still happening. Have you spoken to the child directly about this? With love explain to the child about boundaries and the rules of your house. If he can't respect your rules explain he won't be welcomed there.
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#24 Spryte

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:06 AM

He was caught in the act, again, going through someone else's things. I think the best thing to do is be upfront and honest. Cutting them off without explanation would be unkind. "I am so sorry to have to say this, and I know it's awkward, but we've found that your son doesn't respect other people's personal property when he's in our home. He has been going through other people's things. We won't be able to give him a ride in the morning any more." The end.

I hate confrontation, but I don't think there's any way around it in this case. Likely the sooner you get it over with, the better. :grouphug:


This.

#25 My4arrows

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:08 AM

My only suggestion would be to talk to the mom. I know you said you aren't friends, but she may just be having a difficult time dealing with her child and unsure of what to do. She may just need some grace, a friend to listen, someone to understand. She may be horrified by his behavior. She may be assuming it's stopped since you haven't brought it up again. I know that this is a tough situation for your family, but personally I feel like ignoring and not addressing the issue (by either just stopping the help or not saying anything) isn't a help to the boy or his mom or even your family.
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#26 J-rap

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:17 AM

I think you have two choices.

 

Either confront both him and his mother, (together or separately), telling them that you'd like to help them out but it can only continue if he respects your family's property.  Explain what you know, and put into place some existing rules for a trial period: he must stay in the living room only while he waits to leave for school, for example.  And that you'll see how this goes.

 

Or:

 

Talk with his mother and end it now.  Of course you can do it kindly, and explain that you really did want to help them out, but because of his behavior it is no longer possible for now.  This would be a perfectly fine option.  Most likely, he does this at home too and is getting away with it.  There might be other issues going on too -- who knows.  In any event, this is probably the one I'd go with, given the information you gave.



#27 solascriptura

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:27 AM

Thanks everyone!  I've given it a lot of thought and decided to end my commitment to watch and take the boy to school.  I was doing this as a favor to his family and it was in no way paid.  When I think about it, I was babysitting and driving the kid to school for about 10 hours a week.  I'm kind of surprised that his mom would even ask me to do this.  While I thought it was a bit much, I decided to do it anyway to hopefully be a Christian influence in his life.  There are other rules that he has broken that is compelling me to end my commitment.  I was very, very clear that I do not want him and my ds on their Chromebooks before school.  He has been sneaking his way around this rule (very badly might I add).  I don't want to be petty, but I  really don't like this.  Who knows at what point he'll begin looking at things online that he shouldn't be.  

 

I decided to text his mom about ending my favor and offering to speak about it in person if she wishes.  Our physical paths do not cross at all so I'm not going to make a point of going to their house to discuss it.  The kid will still be welcome in my home on an occasional afternoon.  

 

I just don't get it.  I teach my kids about natural consequences in order to teach them about life.  The friend likes our house and he has been here for probably 20 hours a week since he also comes to "play" in the afternoons.  If he likes it, why would he break my explicit rules?  The natural consequence is that he cannot come as often as he likes.  Isn't 12 old enough to understand this?  


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#28 FriedClams

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 09:27 AM

He was caught in the act, again, going through someone else's things. I think the best thing to do is be upfront and honest. Cutting them off without explanation would be unkind. "I am so sorry to have to say this, and I know it's awkward, but we've found that your son doesn't respect other people's personal property when he's in our home. He has been going through other people's things. We won't be able to give him a ride in the morning any more." The end.

I hate confrontation, but I don't think there's any way around it in this case. Likely the sooner you get it over with, the better. :grouphug:


This. 100%

#29 Katy

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 09:43 AM

Thanks everyone!  I've given it a lot of thought and decided to end my commitment to watch and take the boy to school.  I was doing this as a favor to his family and it was in no way paid.  When I think about it, I was babysitting and driving the kid to school for about 10 hours a week.  I'm kind of surprised that his mom would even ask me to do this.  While I thought it was a bit much, I decided to do it anyway to hopefully be a Christian influence in his life.  There are other rules that he has broken that is compelling me to end my commitment.  I was very, very clear that I do not want him and my ds on their Chromebooks before school.  He has been sneaking his way around this rule (very badly might I add).  I don't want to be petty, but I  really don't like this.  Who knows at what point he'll begin looking at things online that he shouldn't be.  

 

I decided to text his mom about ending my favor and offering to speak about it in person if she wishes.  Our physical paths do not cross at all so I'm not going to make a point of going to their house to discuss it.  The kid will still be welcome in my home on an occasional afternoon.  

 

I just don't get it.  I teach my kids about natural consequences in order to teach them about life.  The friend likes our house and he has been here for probably 20 hours a week since he also comes to "play" in the afternoons.  If he likes it, why would he break my explicit rules?  The natural consequence is that he cannot come as often as he likes.  Isn't 12 old enough to understand this?  

 

Umm, the two most likely scenarios is that either his family doesn't enforce consequences or he's just in a phase of testing boundaries.

 

It's also possible he's been subjected to terrible parenting and as a result doesn't have much empathy, or he's actually been a victim of some sort of abuse that so violated his boundaries he doesn't respect other people's boundaries at all.



#30 Spryte

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 09:52 AM

Thanks everyone!  I've given it a lot of thought and decided to end my commitment to watch and take the boy to school.  I was doing this as a favor to his family and it was in no way paid.  When I think about it, I was babysitting and driving the kid to school for about 10 hours a week.  I'm kind of surprised that his mom would even ask me to do this.  While I thought it was a bit much, I decided to do it anyway to hopefully be a Christian influence in his life.  There are other rules that he has broken that is compelling me to end my commitment.  I was very, very clear that I do not want him and my ds on their Chromebooks before school.  He has been sneaking his way around this rule (very badly might I add).  I don't want to be petty, but I  really don't like this.  Who knows at what point he'll begin looking at things online that he shouldn't be.  

 

I decided to text his mom about ending my favor and offering to speak about it in person if she wishes.  Our physical paths do not cross at all so I'm not going to make a point of going to their house to discuss it.  The kid will still be welcome in my home on an occasional afternoon.  

 

I just don't get it.  I teach my kids about natural consequences in order to teach them about life.  The friend likes our house and he has been here for probably 20 hours a week since he also comes to "play" in the afternoons.  If he likes it, why would he break my explicit rules?  The natural consequence is that he cannot come as often as he likes.  Isn't 12 old enough to understand this?  

 

I'm glad you came to a decision, and feel good about it.

 

We were in a similar situation with a friend of DS's not too long ago, though there was no request from the mom for babysitting.  That would have complicated things.  Our situation escalated, and the child moved from stealing items (all kinds of things, anything interesting, really, that could fit in a pocket or his backpack) to other behaviors.  I gave him chance after chance because he seemed to need it, and DS really liked him.  There was always boundary pushing and inappropriate behavior that I tried to address each time, but finally it became too much for even my DS.  It ended in an extremely painful way, and honestly - I wish I'd nipped it in the bud earlier. The good news is that once that kid was out of our lives and we'd adjusted to that - our stress level went way down.  My only regret is that his mom would never discuss what happened.  I just don't understand her refusal to talk about it, or hear what I had to say.  It's like she just put her hands over her ears and sang lalalalala.  That kind of parenting is beyond comprehension to me.  

 

I think you are making the right choice.


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#31 Tap

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 03:13 PM

Thanks everyone!  I've given it a lot of thought and decided to end my commitment to watch and take the boy to school.  I was doing this as a favor to his family and it was in no way paid.  When I think about it, I was babysitting and driving the kid to school for about 10 hours a week.  I'm kind of surprised that his mom would even ask me to do this.  While I thought it was a bit much, I decided to do it anyway to hopefully be a Christian influence in his life.  There are other rules that he has broken that is compelling me to end my commitment.  I was very, very clear that I do not want him and my ds on their Chromebooks before school.  He has been sneaking his way around this rule (very badly might I add).  I don't want to be petty, but I  really don't like this.  Who knows at what point he'll begin looking at things online that he shouldn't be.  

 

I decided to text his mom about ending my favor and offering to speak about it in person if she wishes.  Our physical paths do not cross at all so I'm not going to make a point of going to their house to discuss it.  The kid will still be welcome in my home on an occasional afternoon.  

 

I just don't get it.  I teach my kids about natural consequences in order to teach them about life.  The friend likes our house and he has been here for probably 20 hours a week since he also comes to "play" in the afternoons.  If he likes it, why would he break my explicit rules?  The natural consequence is that he cannot come as often as he likes.  Isn't 12 old enough to understand this?  

I'm  glad you found peace about your decision.

 

As far as your last comment...not all people have great impulse control.  Just by their nature, some people are more inclined to try to sneak around and see what they can get away with.  Because, honestly there are very few true consequences to them.  Yep, he can't be at your house in the mornings now, so what will happen?  Mom will find someone else willing to do it and he will go there instead.  While he may enjoy your house, just having to go somewhere else isn't necessarily a negative to him. For some people, the grass is truly always greener somewhere else. 


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#32 solascriptura

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 06:53 PM

What the freak! That didn't go as well as I had hoped. Well, I'm actually glad that we went through this. A lot of lessons learned and I'm glad that my kids witnessed this.
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#33 Rebel Yell

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 07:39 PM

What the freak! That didn't go as well as I had hoped. Well, I'm actually glad that we went through this. A lot of lessons learned and I'm glad that my kids witnessed this.


Whoa! What happened? So sorry.
You mentioned earlier that this child might still come to your house to play? Maybe not a concern if things ended badly, but if he stole in the morning, what would stop him from stealing after school as well?
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#34 Pen

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:21 PM

Glad you are through it, but what happened?



#35 solascriptura

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 09:36 PM

His mom was initially apologetic and said she would discuss it with her son. Well she did and texted me about meeting up. I said that we were really busy and had to head out the door for swim practice in under 30 minutes. I suggested meet up tomorrow, but she insisted that it be today. I agreed and we talked. I told the boy everything I said in the previous posts and that is why I couldn't take care of him in the mornings. He kept insisting that he didn't take the money and doesn't remember looking through my daughter's bag. I told him that I heard his interaction when he was digging through my son's (his friend) desk. I asked him why he would do that. He said he was just bored waiting for my son. Um no. I heard it. His mom then asked how her son could have done any of that stuff since we're dashing off in the mornings to do the middle school drop off for dd. She assumed it was 4 minutes? I said yes, then I bring him back with my younger kids and they hang out for an hour before the elementary drop off. (Does she even realize that I watch her son for an hour and a half total every school day?). I did mention that he was sneaking time on his chromebook even though I repeatedly said no.

She was very mild about her language and I'm all about cutting through bs. So I clarified that she was basically saying that I was presumptuous in calling her son a thief and liar (I never used those mean words) and that she was saying my dd was a liar. She basically said that yes, that is what she was saying. I kept my cool and merely stated that since we were at an impass, let's leave it there. I REPEATEDLY told the boy that I still like him and that he could come over occasionally to earn back my trust.

After she thanked me for my time 😳 , they left. We're late now and I'm trying to get my kids ready to swim. She comes back and tells me that N is hysterically crying in the car. He says that we all hate him, can never play again, etc. Frustrated, I repeatedly tell her that isn't true and that she can recall me saying repeatedly that I liked him and could still come over some afternoons. She's upset now because her son is upset, I ask her what she wants me to do. She says she doesn't know so I say I'll text in a few days to invite him over.

Ugh.

#36 solascriptura

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 09:49 PM

CC here.

 

This is the most serious conflict my kids have ever witnessed with a friend.  In the car and for the rest of the evening, I kept going on and on about the situation.  As a christian, I told them about how sin has broken this relationship and to see the domino effect of sin.  The thing is, I still like the kid.  We all forgave him yesterday.  This morning my kids treated him like always and played with him.  I will even work to restoring the trust between all of us by having him over on more closely supervised visits. 

 

On a more practical note, I reminded my kids the importance of always telling the truth, and of  being respectful of other people and their property.  Also, I taught them about the importance of good character in order to keep out the poison of mistrust in relationships.  

 

So that was my CC soapbox.  

 

My frustration comes because I feel like if his mom had talked to him about it more at home and he could have more time to think about it, the hurt and the emotions could have been better.  Why did she insist on coming over just 1 hour after school let out?!    

 

 



#37 Jean in Newcastle

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 10:08 PM

I had a situation like that with a mom who parented very differently than I do. She would say no but did not follow through. That's fine if that's how she wants to do it at her home but it didn't work that way at my home. And when my "no" was "no" she accused me of being mean. (Which I wasn't. I was simply matter of fact. ). So I think part of what is going on here is a very big parenting difference.


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#38 prairiewindmomma

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 10:16 PM

I have had similar experiences where Mom believed her child was always "innocent" and would go "Mama Bear" on anyone who pointed out issues in interactions with her child. My advice? Run far, far away.

Ds is manipulating his mom into trying to "fix" this for him. If he was repentant, he would confess, try to make things right, and try to earn trust again. None of those things are happening and mom has shown that she is not willing to hear truth.
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#39 Seasider

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 03:22 AM

Mom probably also panicked when she realized her free morning child care and taxi service just ended.
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#40 Heigh Ho

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 09:00 AM

Unfortunately you are going to have to reduce the hours you provide daycare to this child, as he will need to be closely supervised since he isn't respecting your dc or your house rules.  One suggestion is to send him home each and every time he disrespects your dc's requests to obey house rules or refuses to abide by your rules.  Be consistent and firm, tell him the family enjoyed his company as you walk him out, but don't let him get away with the behavior.  When he visits again, ask him to repeat the house rules, and decide if he is going to go by them.  If he can't agree in word or action, usher him out and tell him you'll be glad to have his company again when he decides he can agree to house rules. At that time, have him talk to your husband before he comes in again.  It will take time to train him and in that time he will decide just exactly why he wants to visit.

 

One of our visitors decided not to come back.  The attraction was the dc's stuff.  We ended that without awkwardness by telling the young lady that we just don't accept visitors who shun members of our family, and her mother saw it for herself and held strong on the character formation.  She was quite thankful she was able to nip that.



#41 Katy

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 12:39 PM

Mom probably also panicked when she realized her free morning child care and taxi service just ended.

 

This. 



#42 DawnM

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 01:17 PM

UGH.  I hate dealing with this kind of thing.  I am so sorry.

 

I hate to say it, but I feel like I no longer will even offer this kind of thing because I don't want to have to end it at some point or deal with other families over stuff like this.

We had a Bible study at a person's house.  She has had things broken, and things stolen.  The kids are told NOT to go into certain parts of the house (it is a huge house) but one boy kept sneaking in and finally stole $400 worth of stuff.  It was eventually caught, but before that, all the kids said it was Nick (not his real name) but the parents were livid that people blamed their kid and actually told several of the parent that their children were LYING and that they should discipline their kids, etc....it was a HUGE mess.

 

Until the parents found the stuff in their son's backpack a couple of weeks later.  They were so embarrassed they haven't  been back since.  They did come over and drop off $400 for the family and said they were sorry.  

 

I would not have blamed her if she had stopped hosting completely.  

 

 


Edited by DawnM, 14 September 2017 - 01:18 PM.


#43 solascriptura

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 01:28 PM

UGH. I hate dealing with this kind of thing. I am so sorry.

I hate to say it, but I feel like I no longer will even offer this kind of thing because I don't want to have to end it at some point or deal with other families over stuff like this.
We had a Bible study at a person's house. She has had things broken, and things stolen. The kids are told NOT to go into certain parts of the house (it is a huge house) but one boy kept sneaking in and finally stole $400 worth of stuff. It was eventually caught, but before that, all the kids said it was Nick (not his real name) but the parents were livid that people blamed their kid and actually told several of the parent that their children were LYING and that they should discipline their kids, etc....it was a HUGE mess.

Until the parents found the stuff in their son's backpack a couple of weeks later. They were so embarrassed they haven't been back since. They did come over and drop off $400 for the family and said they were sorry.

I would not have blamed her if she had stopped hosting completely.


Wow! That's extreme and very unfortunate. I guess that was a fear of mine; that it would escalate. Seriously, it was first swiping candy and gum? Then change? If he would of just asked me, I would buy him his own candy and gum or give him a snack. Why would I begrudge that? I'm not mommy dearest or anything! I just cannot stand sneakiness or deceit.

I have to admit I was pretty upset and annoyed about the whole thing. It could of been handled better on both sides. I fully admit that. However, I have no desire to parent another child right now. From some other things she said basically she was telling me to parent him and "guide" him. Nope. Not doing it. I expect good behavior and following of rules by all kid guests. If rules are broken, I'll send them home. I'm not going to discipline or teach. Sheesh.

#44 Forget-me-not

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 03:54 PM

Honestly, it's probably good for the kid to have some consequences his mom can't get him out of and for it to sting a little bit.

If you want to have him over again to smooth things over, I'd meet him at the front door and have him recite a list of house rules to you before he comes in. Make it very clear that breaking those rules will result in you immediately sending him home and waiting a looong time before reinviting him.

Edited by Forget-me-not, 14 September 2017 - 03:55 PM.

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