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s/o condo daydream... Balancing the cozy little empty nest and the great big welcome mat


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What's with the ads?

#1 Janie Grace

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 07:44 AM

In another thread, someone mentioned dreaming of a cozy little place for just her and her dh and dogs. However, she said her dh is planning for grandchildren not yet conceived.

 

I totally get this dilemma and want to know what you all think! On one hand, it seems silly to have a big house for the rare entire extended family visit. It sounds lovely to downsize and embrace the simplicity of an empty nest. However, it also makes me really sad to think of not having space in my home for my five kids (and their spouses and their children). My mom and her second husband live in a retirement community and we can't stay with them. We have to rent an airbnb. This is fine but it's not the same as waking up together and sleeping under the same roof. And to be completely honest, it does feel a bit unwelcoming. (I'm sure this sounds really immature and is probably more related to issues with my stepfather but still... no room for you feels like no room for you.)

 

How are you thinking about this as you age?


Edited by Janie Grace, 12 September 2017 - 07:50 AM.

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#2 Janeway

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 07:48 AM

Definitely big enough house for the grandkids.

#3 marbel

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 07:51 AM

I think about this.

 

We downsized when we moved 10 years ago.  We had a house that was too big, but also too cramped because some of the rooms needed work and we didn't use them. We didn't get the work done till we moved, natch.

 

But, in any case, we had a large master bedroom suite that was nice.  And we were able to offer that as a guest room (my husband and I would stay in one of the rattier bedrooms).  It was so nice to be able to do that.  A few times when missionaries and others were visiting our church, we were able to have them stay in our home and it was so nice to be able to offer a comfortable and private place for them. 

 

But, I can also imagine a nice cottage or townhouse with zero maintenance and not a lot of space.   It is a dilemma! 


Edited by marbel, 12 September 2017 - 07:51 AM.


#4 Tania

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 07:51 AM

I am totally with you.  My parents have plenty of room for us to visit and stay at their home and so did my MIL but my MIL replaced her car with a car that seated no more than 5 and when we visited there was a total of 6 or 7.  The plan was that they would rent a car when we visited but everyone always backed out due to the expense and so we couldn't even go out to dinner all together.  It was awful and felt unwelcoming.

 

Family is of the greatest importance to me and so we will stay in a house that will allow at least one set of visitors at a time.  I would love a house with large living spaces, and just 2 bedrooms and then guest cottages on the periphery but it would be more expensive to move than stay put. 



#5 Ravin

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 07:52 AM

When I'm older I want a travel trailer. I'll just park in my kids' driveways to spend time with them, or at a campground where they can pitch tents beside me.


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#6 WoolySocks

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 07:56 AM

Undecided.  If my kids settle locally, I'd be happy to downsize to a condo.  I would still like a 2 bedroom for a little padding.  It also depends on spouse choice.   Like my brother has done very little traveling to my parents (now just my moms place) since he married and my parents had hoped they would be a regular fixture.  His wife has anxiety, they have marital issues (they're actually divorced and living together at this moment), and they just aren't at all reliable.  The writing is on the wall and I think my mom should downsize. 



#7 heartlikealion

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 07:56 AM

I never thought about it much, really. Both sets of our parents have guest rooms we stay in when we visit. Because of dh's job (working at a school) we get vacation a few times a year and live within a few hours so it is not a rare family visit. Now one time this summer there was no room for my family because one of my sisters and my aunt were already there. I wanted to see them, but I couldn't stay at my in-laws' that particular visit because MIL had just had surgery and it would be too much to have company over (mainly because I have a toddler). I could have driven alone and slept on their futon, but it would take a lot out of me to travel alone. I just didn't go.

 

As the kids get older we may have to come up with new solutions as currently dd sleeps in our bed and ds sleeps in a second guest room that has a twin. The beds at our parents' home are smaller and very uncomfortable to share with dd.

 

 

 

 

 

 



#8 slr1765

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 08:00 AM

I want to downsize and visit the kids instead. It'd be nice for them to host me now that they are all grown up.  :lol:


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#9 J-rap

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 08:51 AM

My parents have a big house, and it has been wonderful to have as "home central" for the extended family over the years. But, that's not the way it will be for my dh and myself. We've made the decision (partly due to disability) to move into a townhouse/condo next, probably within a couple years. I can't wait. We have five children too, and assuming that at least some of them will be married with children, our gatherings will easily be 20. I'm actually visiting a relative right now in Boston, and I'd say she has the perfect condo. It's a two bedroom, one long living room/dining room plus a kitchen. The living room/dining room can easily hold a long table that would hold a myriad of people. The living room could also easily hold several sleeping bags for grandchildren. (Thinking ahead! ;)) The extra guest bedroom is large and comfortable (parents + a couple small children could easily sleep there). It's in a fun neighborhood with lots to do and a big park a block away. It would be a perfectly adequate place to have an overnight guest or even a whole family for a short-term visit, or a couple as long-term houseguests, or a big gathering (probably up to 25) for a dinner party. We still have kids in the college-age bracket, and I assume one or two will end up living with us for awhile. This easily could accommodate that. For an even larger event, we would just rent a room somewhere. We'll figure it out.
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#10 Hilltopmom

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:00 AM

I never thought about it much, really. Both sets of our parents have guest rooms we stay in when we visit. Because of dh's job (working at a school) we get vacation a few times a year and live within a few hours so it is not a rare family visit. Now one time this summer there was no room for my family because one of my sisters and my aunt were already there. I wanted to see them, but I couldn't stay at my in-laws' that particular visit because MIL had just had surgery and it would be too much to have company over (mainly because I have a toddler). I could have driven alone and slept on their futon, but it would take a lot out of me to travel alone. I just didn't go.

As the kids get older we may have to come up with new solutions as currently dd sleeps in our bed and ds sleeps in a second guest room that has a twin. The beds at our parents' home are smaller and very uncomfortable to share with dd.

Kids can sleep on the living room floor in sleeping bags, grandparents really don't need a whole extra bedroom & beds reserved for visiting grandchildren, really.

Edited by Hilltopmom, 12 September 2017 - 09:01 AM.

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#11 Hilltopmom

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:04 AM

We recently moved to a bigger house in part because of the age spread of our kids.

I fully expect to have adult kids visiting with their families or living at home after college for awhile at the same time I still have my younger children living at home.
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#12 TABmom

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:08 AM

Kids can sleep on the living room floor in sleeping bags, grandparents really don't need a whole extra bedroom & beds reserved for visiting grandchildren, really.


This has kind of been an issue at my parents house. If the kids were going to sleep in the living room, it makes it difficult for the adults to stay up late talking/playing cards. Fortunately, they have 2 extra bedrooms. One for the kids and one for me/dh- but when my brother is also there with his wife- that throws a wrench in things. Something to think about.
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#13 Hilltopmom

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:09 AM

Gotcha, maybe put the kids on the floor in your room then instead of the living room.
As kids, we slept on the floor in grandmas kitchen, the teens got the living room & the oldest ones got the basement floor.
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#14 heartlikealion

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:10 AM

Kids can sleep on the living room floor in sleeping bags, grandparents really don't need a whole extra bedroom & beds reserved for visiting grandchildren, really.

 

Normally, yes. But at my parents' home the bedrooms are carpeted and the rest of the house is not. At my in-laws' they have a very soft giant rug (laden with years of cig. smoke residue I'm sure) and don't seem to like the kids sleeping in the living room. FIL wakes up super early. But at my parents' home we could use their futon couch or put a sleeping bag on the floor near one of the guest beds.

 

I personally hate sleeping in open rooms like living rooms. I am a light sleeper and then people wake up to make coffee, etc. No privacy or quiet lol



#15 heartlikealion

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:12 AM

Gotcha, maybe put the kids on the floor in your room then instead of the living room.
As kids, we slept on the floor in grandmas kitchen, the teens got the living room & the oldest ones got the basement floor.

 

ouch I hope they brought extra rugs/blankets. I am the princess and the pea. I would not be able to sleep on such a hard surface. Maybe you mean finished basement. But kitchen floor? Sounds painful.
 



#16 Hilltopmom

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:13 AM

Kids are pretty tough :) We tent camp without cots.

You can always use a camping pad, air mattress, or portable folding camp cot too.

But no, my grabdparents were working class, no finished basement, tiny house. It was great for all the cousins &'everyone to get together for a week at Xmas each year. Our parents wouldn't have had room to bring cots, etc in the car for all of us on road trips.
I have great memories of those times. We did move up to the pullout couch by the time I was a teen!

We survived sleeping on the floor :) people do all around the world every night

Edited by Hilltopmom, 12 September 2017 - 09:17 AM.

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#17 MysteryJen

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:14 AM

This was part of the argument dh and I had about moving/downsizing. He really wanted to have that big house, full of kids and, hopefully, grandkids, etc. But we did that. You never have any guarantee that your kids will marry AND want to visit with their families. Maybe they will live in the same area or maybe they will live overseas. We know lots of people who married people from other countries and live far away from their parents. Maybe your sil or dil will hate your family and dinner at a restaurant a few times a year will be the best that anyone can do.

 

I argued that you have to buy the house for your daily life. I hope to travel to see my kids; I don't want them using up their precious vacation days to come and see us. 


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#18 Annie G

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:15 AM

Kids can sleep on the living room floor in sleeping bags, grandparents really don't need a whole extra bedroom & beds reserved for visiting grandchildren, really.

:iagree:

 

 

Due to the hurricane, my dad currently has six family members staying at his house and each has bed space. That's crazy. He's 85 years old...he doesn't need that much for once in a lifetime events. They would all be fine sleeping on the floor with quilts. 

 

We haven't downsized since we raised our four kids and when our dd and her four kids come visit we have enough beds for everyone. And every single time the kids all sleep on the floor in the room where their parents are.  So I'm definitely not feeling compelled to have more than one guest room/bed and that's for our friends who visit. Don't want my 65 year old best friend sleeping on the floor. 

 

I don't begrudge anyone who feels differently, it's just not for me. Along with the beds I'd feel compelled to have a big dining room table for them all, enough bathrooms, etc. Nope. We can all share bathrooms and eat at the couch and I'll wash towels every day instead of the once a week I wash them now. 


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#19 prairiewindmomma

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:22 AM

We used to live in a large house. When my in-laws came to visit, they got a  hotel room because they wanted their own space.

My parents visit 1-2x a year.

I suspect that my children will be able to visit about as much.

 

We downsized two years ago. Our layout still allows me to host large groups of people for daytime events. We're just short on sleeping space.  I suspect if we downsize again to an apartment, I'll still choose a layout that allows me to host 20-30 easily for lunch (between table, couches, chairs, etc.).



#20 MEmama

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:30 AM

I'd want a second bedroom so DS could always stay with us. ❤️ But as adults, I wish it wasn't expected that family stay with us or us with them. Our schedules and needs are so different that it just adds so much stress. As petty as it might sound, I resent that we have to keep our otherwise awesome exercise room set up as a guest room for those once a year visits (nowhere else to keep the required furniture and mattress if we break down the bed).

We have a totally different relationship with DS than our families do with us, though. I don't see that changing. And of course finding room for one adult kid and potential partner is different than for a huge family. I'd go the hotel route for the kids in that case and be very happy. ;)
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#21 Sassenach

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:33 AM

My mom has 1 spare room and a screened patio that doubles as a room with 2 twins. It's perfect for my family of 6. We all feel welcome, but it's also not so big that she's living in a big empty space.

We live in a 3 bed, 1375 sq ft place and I think it will be just the right size later in life, too.
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#22 Laura Corin

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:39 AM

We have sometimes thought of a two-bedroom place for us with a two-bedroom holiday rental very nearby.  That way we can just block out weeks when family are coming to stay: they will have space but in a familiar setting.


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#23 Pawz4me

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:54 AM

I'm all over the place on this issue.

 

I plan on always having at least one spare bedroom. That's always been a non-negotiable priority for me, even long before DS18 was diagnosed as 2e. How he'll be able to handle full time, self supporting employment remains to be seen. And of course the way the economy has gone the past ten years or so who's to say any young person will be able to fully support themselves w/o any glitches? I didn't bring them into the world planning to ever say "You're own your own, buster. Don't bother me any more!" Far from it.

 

DH recently received a diagnosis that makes it more likely than not that I'll be facing most of what should be our golden years w/o him. We downsized a bit last year, but this house is still 2200+ square feet. It's too big for the two of us w/o the boys here, and it seems kind of silly to think of myself rambling around here alone. But I do love it here, and the thought of sharing walls makes me feel claustrophobic and like I'm smothering. Not to mention the thought of being in a condo or townhouse where the board could randomly decide to place $$$$ assessments on everyone bothers my control issues. And it would cost more to rent a nice apartment around here than our mortgage, insurance and property taxes combined cost. So . . . who knows?


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#24 KungFuPanda

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:54 AM

It seems a huge expense to maintain a house large enough for 6 families to spend the weekend! I have three siblings. I think we've all landed at moms with our children exactly once and we had a LOT fewer kids back then. Now when I visit, I rent a cabin nearby so we have our own space at night. We're up much later than the rest of my family.

I can't personally see the value of maintaining a BnB for an imagined family reunion that may never occur. It's cheaper to rent a vacation home together than own and maintain that much real estate all the time. A friend does a cabin vacation each summer with her family. Each family has a different cabin and they share dinners.

In some ways, a medium sized house is easier for this. If you have three bedrooms, and two kids, you can offer them their childhood rooms as a guest space when they visit, but you're not maintaining a huge house and giant yard year-round. There's a limit to the amount of money and work I'll dedicate to nostalgia.
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#25 regentrude

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:58 AM

I want a big enough house to have space for guests, but don't mind if they are cramped, don't have private bathrooms, etc.

We stay with my parents each summer. The kids have to share a room and are put in my brother's room; and when he comes home on weekends, he has to sleep in my parent's bedroom or on an air mattress in the living room. So it's tight, but fine.

When we are visiting, my niece can;'t stay over as well. That's ok, too.


Edited by regentrude, 12 September 2017 - 09:58 AM.

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#26 skimomma

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:11 AM

We plan to stay in our current smallish house for a bit after dd moves out.  It is big enough that she could live here during and/or after college, even with a spouse and/or child, if necessary.  Once that ship has sailed, we hope to downsize to something even smaller.  We would like the house that works for our lifestyle and have decided that planning to accommodate a future extended family is probably not wise in our case.

 

We have seen this backfire.  MIL lives in a nice large family home that her children grew up in.  It is a great place to visit and she loves having the whole family there.  The house is large enough to accommodate all three of her children and their families.  However, it is a very large house (for one person) and a great deal of yard to maintain.  I cannot even imagine how much taxes, heating costs, and other routine expenses must be.  Her three children live all over the country and it is very rare that we can all gather there at one time.  And even when we do, despite the space, all three families are at such different stages of life that it can be difficult to be under one roof.  Really, I feel bad for MIL because living in that big house is just a  constant reminder that her children cannot be there as much as she would like.

 

My own mother lives in a retirement community but chose and is paying for a condo that is much larger than needed with the thought that her kids (and families) would stay with her when we visit.  Again, this has not panned out.  We are also all over the country and can visit far less often than she was envisioning.  On top of that she is a hoarder (thankfully, on a minor level) so she just filled that space with stuff.  She complains often that she has all of this space and doesn't understand why we insist on staying in a hotel.  Somehow she does not seem to see that the space is physically filled and that there is no actual space for anyone to stay.....

 

So, I plan to swing the other way.  We will purchase or design the house that works best for our lifestyle and future plans.  This will likely include a spare bedroom or at least a versatile space that could be temporarily converted into a semi-private sleeping space for guests.  But if our dd has multiple children, the "home" will just have to be "where the heart is," whether that means gathering elsewhere or setting up a tent/camper in the yard or whatever it looks like based on what actually ends up happening.  I think it is mentally healthier for everyone to not try to project your ideas of what "family" will look like so far in advance that it puts undue pressure or stress (not to mention financial burden) on everyone involved.


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#27 Arcadia

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:14 AM

My parents stay in a 3 bedroom condo and my in-laws stay in 3 bedroom apartment. My in-laws house is bigger but the uncluttered space is very little. We slept in the spare bedroom that has lots of "junk" that two mattresses barely fit on the floor. Their living room has space for one mattress only. They do hoard stuff. There is a communal space at the ground floor of their apartment block which can be used for meals gathering but his relatives prefer meeting at a restaurant anyway for the convenience.
My parents place was easier on our kids. My dad is a hoarder but my mum makes him declutter. They have a dedicated spare bedroom/playroom using mattresses. So my young niece could nap there when she visit or my brother can flip up the mattress and his daughter has a big play area. It is also easier to keep the spare bedroom babyproof. Since it is a condo, there is a big function room for weddings, gatherings, meetings and there is also two pools (wading/splash zone and Olympic size) so my kids would go to the pool if they get cabin fever.

One of my cousin has a six bedroom townhome. My aunt (his mom) stays with them permanently and he has a live-in domestic helper. He has two boys (one commuting to college and one working) sharing a bedroom and one bedroom is a home office so he still has a guest bedroom. Cleaning seven toilets is a lot of work and my cousin and his wife are very neat people as well as non-hoarders. For them, they are unlikely to downsize as a single aunt and a single cousin is likely to move in when they become empty nesters. So it would become two elderly and three middle age adults in a townhome with a life in helper occupying four bedrooms.

One of my paternal aunts have a big townhome but she is such a hoarder that I might as well pitch a tent and sleep in her spacious backyard. Her grandkids would aim for the couch when they sleepover. We call her home a fire hazard. Her adult kids are quite selfish in this respect and do not that their stuff, using their mom's home as free storage space. Her husband has passed.

ETA:
Our condo complex is very popular with retirees and young families. Facilities are adequate and it's a walkable community with decent public transportation so elderly (and everyone else) can opt not to drive at all.

Edited by Arcadia, 12 September 2017 - 11:19 AM.


#28 Janie Grace

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:15 AM

I think it is mentally healthier for everyone to not try to project your ideas of what "family" will look like so far in advance that it puts undue pressure or stress (not to mention financial burden) on everyone involved.

 

Wow, this is really wise. Thanks.


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#29 Anne

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:36 AM

Another idea: My parents rent a motor home on the rare occasions that more of us visit than can be accommodated easily in the house, and park it in their driveway. Poof! Additional sleeping spaces AND another bathroom!!

Anne
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#30 Bluegoat

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:36 AM

I'm not there yet, but I have great memories of relatives with bigger homes having them open.

 

My sense is that my generation may not have that so much, for various reasons.  But, one thing that helps for us is that there is a fair bit of family all living in this city - so we can manage to find some bedside necessary, with family.

 

I'd be ok with the idea of family staying in a hotel or b&b, the problem comes in with the added cost it entails - it could make the difference between travelling and not.



#31 Twolittleboys

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:40 AM

I am struggling with that question myself now. We don't have too much room as it is (apartment), but once the kids are done with high school and are off to college I really would like to move. Where we live right now is great for kids/families but once they have moved out I would much rather move back to a larger city. I really miss where I used to live prior to kids. BUT rents are much higher there and I would probably have to just get a small studio which is fine for me but doesn't lend itself much to visitor. It definitely wouldn't work for grandkids etc. but realistically it would be difficult even for my kids to come for more than a couple of days (at least not both at the same time). Not sure yet what to do about this...



#32 Elizabeth86

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:47 AM

I see it both ways. All my parents kids live local so no one would ever stay the night. Inlaws kids all live away and still never stay and they have a huge house and really dont need it. I know if all my kids were grown and lived close I would want to downsize, but if they all lived away I d want to have at least an extra room. My mamaws house was tiny and we were packed in like sardines and it was great memories, no big deal.

My kids are little and we really need a bigger house, but I am actually sad about moving from my home where my babies grew. That will be the issue for me, the sentimental side of it.

Edited by Elizabeth86, 12 September 2017 - 11:47 AM.


#33 Scarlett

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:52 AM

My parents have a big house, and it has been wonderful to have as "home central" for the extended family over the years. But, that's not the way it will be for my dh and myself. We've made the decision (partly due to disability) to move into a townhouse/condo next, probably within a couple years. I can't wait. We have five children too, and assuming that at least some of them will be married with children, our gatherings will easily be 20. I'm actually visiting a relative right now in Boston, and I'd say she has the perfect condo. It's a two bedroom, one long living room/dining room plus a kitchen. The living room/dining room can easily hold a long table that would hold a myriad of people. The living room could also easily hold several sleeping bags for grandchildren. (Thinking ahead! ;)) The extra guest bedroom is large and comfortable (parents + a couple small children could easily sleep there). It's in a fun neighborhood with lots to do and a big park a block away. It would be a perfectly adequate place to have an overnight guest or even a whole family for a short-term visit, or a couple as long-term houseguests, or a big gathering (probably up to 25) for a dinner party. We still have kids in the college-age bracket, and I assume one or two will end up living with us for awhile. This easily could accommodate that. For an even larger event, we would just rent a room somewhere. We'll figure it out.

 

 

This sounds nice.  I don't think a tiny house would work, but a decent size condo that at least has a guest bedroom and plenty of room for dinner guests would be fine. 


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#34 marbel

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 11:54 AM

I'd want a second bedroom so DS could always stay with us. ❤️ But as adults, I wish it wasn't expected that family stay with us or us with them. Our schedules and needs are so different that it just adds so much stress. As petty as it might sound, I resent that we have to keep our otherwise awesome exercise room set up as a guest room for those once a year visits (nowhere else to keep the required furniture and mattress if we break down the bed).

We have a totally different relationship with DS than our families do with us, though. I don't see that changing. And of course finding room for one adult kid and potential partner is different than for a huge family. I'd go the hotel route for the kids in that case and be very happy. ;)

 

I understand this. 

 

We hurt my in-laws' feelings when we stopped staying with them while visiting.  Space is not the issue, but the mildew and woodsmoke smell in their house is unbearable for those of us with allergies.  So now we stay in a motel.

 

I don't have any extra bedrooms and with my (much-hated) split-level floor plan, if anyone is sleeping on a couch, the living room and kitchen are inaccessible to others for socializing (because of the light and noise).  We haven't had too many overnight guests, but when we have, it's been inconvenient for all.

 

My sister is not daunted by this.  She loves a big ol' slumber party and thinks nothing of cramming too many people into her house (and thinks everyone else should be the same way). So if she ever wants to come visit me, I'll have to be creative with sleeping spaces because she will feel completely rejected if I tell her she has to stay in a hotel. 

 

Peoples' needs for privacy differ too.  I've found that people like my sister, who have no particular need for privacy and like having a lot of people around, don't understand this and somehow seem to feel they have the morally superior attitude.

 

I hate staying with people.  I never know when to take a shower.   :-)


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#35 [email protected]

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 12:07 PM

Currently, we have three spare bedrooms and five children still living at home.  We have had overnight guests in those bedrooms at least half of the time between our adult kids moving in temporarily and guests coming to stay.  I imagine we'll stay in our very large house for the next 20 years or so.  Even though we don't use all of it all the time, we are glad to be in the position to offer hospitality.  We have a place for missionaries who are on furlough, international students who are on school breaks, small children whose parents could use a night away, not to mention our own kids and grandkids.   I'm glad that our house is as big as it is. 

 

It all depends on how you see yourself using your extra spaces.  If we were only using it for the rare entire family visit, it probably wouldn't be worthwhile. 



#36 JenneinAZ

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 12:09 PM

I grew up in an apartment and a condo. The first time I lived in a house was after I was married and had two children. The idea of having extra unused space in a house is beyond my comprehension. This guest bedroom thing that you speak of... I have never lived in a house with one. All bedrooms are inhabited by the people who live there.

I don't think I could mentally deal with having more space than people for a 'sometime' event. My parents visit once a year and get a blow up mattress in the living room. I can't afford the cost of having an extra room in the house for the other 360 days of the year just so they are happier for 5. The cost would be tens of thousands of dollars.

I think the idea is nice if you are in a low cost of housing place. But for anyone in a high cost of housing place... yikes!
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#37 MercyA

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 12:43 PM

DH recently received a diagnosis that makes it more likely than not that I'll be facing most of what should be our golden years w/o him. 

 

I am so sorry, Pawz4me. If there is anything we can do for you, don't hesitate to let us know.  :grouphug:


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#38 diplomum

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 01:02 PM

We bought a three bedroom house, but it has a bonus bedroom (no closet) and we put extra beds in some of the guest rooms - a queen and a bunk for a bunch of teenagers or a family. There are also some built in sleeping lofts, and there's a sofa bed in the family room. We can sleep 17 in beds. We're thinking of making a little guest house and adding rv hook ups for big family gatherings (we have plenty of land). Also important to us was having areas to separate and hang out - porch, sun room, kitchen island, family room, living room. It sounds bigger than it is but it means people aren't on top of each other, but it's not overwhelming when it's just the two of us.

#39 Jaybee

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 01:03 PM

I know what you mean. Our parents both have houses that are large and could always squeeze us in, with occasional visits requiring kids on the floors. But we will not be able to do that. Our family is too large and our income not as large. I also don't want that large of a house; I don't want a tiny one, but I sure don't want a huge one. I love the way my in-laws' house is built--it is an old home with two bedrooms downstairs, and two large ones and one small one upstairs. The upstairs can be closed off most of the time. Another issue is that for my in-laws, most of their kids live nearby and only go visit for the day; the only overnighters were our family. Our kids are already beginning to be spread out, and if they are able to come at the same time, then there isn't room to stay. We are now about to move further from the central city. None of us can afford to go the hotel route for a full visit at this point. It makes me so sad to think they might not want to come because they will be too cramped or can't afford it. The house we are in the process of renting has great space for daytime entertaining. But there are three bedrooms, and that means when our two kids at home double up for guests, we will still only have one free bedroom. I can't figure out how to still have family times together that are affordable. :(



#40 Julie Smith

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 01:42 PM

I do know of a condo that had this feature,.... they had a few just bedrooms set up that could only be rented by residences of the condo. That way if you had extra guests coming over you could rent the bedroom that was just down the hall. You had to provide the sheets and pillows. The room was basically a hotel style room.

#41 MistyMountain

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 01:51 PM

Neither set of grandparents have a big place with extra bedrooms but my kids have slept over when we were visiting. We just use air mattresses in other rooms. It has been fine. It is more space then tent camping. ;) For a sibling we stay with we use the basement with cots and air mattresses. I do not plan on living in a big place when my kids are grown. I do not want extra space I do not use on a day to day basis.

Edited by MistyMountain, 12 September 2017 - 01:53 PM.


#42 lllllll

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 02:09 PM

nm


Edited by lllllll, Yesterday, 11:30 AM.


#43 Scarlett

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 02:23 PM

I'm all over the place on this issue.

 

I plan on always having at least one spare bedroom. That's always been a non-negotiable priority for me, even long before DS18 was diagnosed as 2e. How he'll be able to handle full time, self supporting employment remains to be seen. And of course the way the economy has gone the past ten years or so who's to say any young person will be able to fully support themselves w/o any glitches? I didn't bring them into the world planning to ever say "You're own your own, buster. Don't bother me any more!" Far from it.

 

DH recently received a diagnosis that makes it more likely than not that I'll be facing most of what should be our golden years w/o him. We downsized a bit last year, but this house is still 2200+ square feet. It's too big for the two of us w/o the boys here, and it seems kind of silly to think of myself rambling around here alone. But I do love it here, and the thought of sharing walls makes me feel claustrophobic and like I'm smothering. Not to mention the thought of being in a condo or townhouse where the board could randomly decide to place $$$$ assessments on everyone bothers my control issues. And it would cost more to rent a nice apartment around here than our mortgage, insurance and property taxes combined cost. So . . . who knows?

 

 

:grouphug: 

 

I am a bit like that too....I don't want to feel forced out of my bigger house is something were to happen to dh...then I thought,well, I could always rent a room...very selectively of course....but it might mean I could stay in my house.


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#44 lllllll

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 02:25 PM

I'm all over the place on this issue.

 

I plan on always having at least one spare bedroom. That's always been a non-negotiable priority for me, even long before DS18 was diagnosed as 2e. How he'll be able to handle full time, self supporting employment remains to be seen. And of course the way the economy has gone the past ten years or so who's to say any young person will be able to fully support themselves w/o any glitches? I didn't bring them into the world planning to ever say "You're own your own, buster. Don't bother me any more!" Far from it.

 

DH recently received a diagnosis that makes it more likely than not that I'll be facing most of what should be our golden years w/o him. We downsized a bit last year, but this house is still 2200+ square feet. It's too big for the two of us w/o the boys here, and it seems kind of silly to think of myself rambling around here alone. But I do love it here, and the thought of sharing walls makes me feel claustrophobic and like I'm smothering. Not to mention the thought of being in a condo or townhouse where the board could randomly decide to place $$$$ assessments on everyone bothers my control issues. And it would cost more to rent a nice apartment around here than our mortgage, insurance and property taxes combined cost. So . . . who knows?

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:


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#45 Annie G

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 02:44 PM

Pawz4me   :grouphug:

 

 


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#46 desertstrawberry5

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 02:57 PM

When I'm older I want a travel trailer. I'll just park in my kids' driveways to spend time with them, or at a campground where they can pitch tents beside me.


This is my plan, too.

We already have a small house. When the kids are gone, we'll use one bedroom as an office with a daybed, and have one spare room for guests/ crafts. I only need a small cabinet and folding table, and the room is more than ample. We'll likely add an rv soon that will work as extra guest space if needed.

Imo, you don't need a huge house to be welcoming.

#47 Quill

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 03:10 PM

I used to want what my MIL had - six grown kids, a crap ton of grandkids, big family dinners at the farm every Sunday. It was a big influence on my choice of DH to marry, actually. But also, as per my thread about dreaming of condo living, now that MIL is 91 and the huge farmhouse is sitting there, waiting for Someday, filled with stuff, I don't want to get to 91 and have that. I just DO NOT. She did those big dinners until she could not anymore and by then, there was no chance she was going to start downsizing and purging. She doesn't even completely grasp the reality that she's never going to live there again. It's sad.

It has made me realize I want to downsize as we go along. I don't want to carry a lot of stuff into my 50s that were only necessary in my 40s and so on; each decade of life should be reflecting the needs of that chapter of life, not bygone decades. Once I close up shop on homeschooling, all this homeschooling stuff is going. If a reason comes up to need a microscope again, well, we'll just have to trust that The Universe will provide a microscope the second time just as the first time.

I do want to live somewhere big enough for all my kids and theoretical grandkids in the future to eat a dinner together here, but that also does not mean we have to always have table space for 17 people (just an imaginary number if my three kids all married and had three kids each). There's always putting up a card table and sitting on the piano bench, just the way it was for Thanksgiving at my grandmother's (by today's standards very small) house.

Also, I have found, for myself, it is important not to get too wrapped up in a fantasy about how life will be in grandmotherhood. It is very common now for grown children to take career opportunities far from home; I already see an inkling of this with DD's boyfriend who is looking at several opportunities in CA, MI, etc. I know the reality could be far different from the fantasy and I may or may not have grandkids nearby. I still hope for family dinners with everyone around, but I don't want to peg my dreams on those things as they are outside of my control.
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#48 Rosika

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 03:13 PM

I think there is a season for each.

 

My parents held on to their big house until most of us were in our 30s and setting up our own homes. Not our starter homes, but our "raise a family here" homes that had a guest room (for my parents). By that point, our generation had gradually starting assuming the family holiday celebrations. It was just the icing on the cake, the final push to move ALL family events away from our parents' and to one of their children's homes. Now they get to just "show up" to one of our homes for whatever holiday we're celebrating. They still have an extra bedroom, so kids and grandkids can still visit ... but their home is no longer the family hub. Mine is :) 

 

I suspect we'll hold on to this home until my older kids settle into their "raise a family here" homes.  Although we had a surprise baby in our early 40s, so I don't know how that will change those plans. I feel "wrong" to move before he gets married or settled himself. I might feel less "wrong" when I'm hitting 60 and not wanting the upkeep of the bigger house and family celebrations! He's not even a year old yet, so no sense making these plans now. LOL 

 

Long story short, I foresee us moving towards the condo/townhouse stage in our 60s once our older children are more firmly rooted and able to serve as the family hub. 



#49 Laura Corin

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 03:34 PM

I think there is a season for each.

 

My parents held on to their big house until most of us were in our 30s and setting up our own homes. Not our starter homes, but our "raise a family here" homes that had a guest room (for my parents). By that point, our generation had gradually starting assuming the family holiday celebrations. It was just the icing on the cake, the final push to move ALL family events away from our parents' and to one of their children's homes. Now they get to just "show up" to one of our homes for whatever holiday we're celebrating. They still have an extra bedroom, so kids and grandkids can still visit ... but their home is no longer the family hub. Mine is :)

 

 

It really depends on the ages of all concerned.  I had my children at 33 and 37 and Husband is 7 years older than I.  By the time my children are in their mid thirties, Husband will be in his late seventies.  The upkeep needed for our current large home will be really, really wearing by then.

 

On the other side, home ownership in the UK is becoming increasingly unaffordable for young people, so I have no idea if and when my children will have family homes of their own.


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#50 Patty Joanna

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 03:36 PM

We have only one son, and so the large family-reunion-at-our-house scenario is not likely.  However, this is how we have handled the larger family gatherings in the past.  We rented a large B&B so we all DID wake up under one roof.  Well, except the three teens we had sleep in an RV we also had to rent because of space.  It was not cheap, but it happens so rarely that everyone has to be in the same place at the same time that ultimately it is cheaper to do this.  Eg. to have a house big enough to do this, we would have to have a house worth in excess of $1.5M, probably closer to $2M at this point (yes, I want to live in a nice neighborhood and yes, prices are horrible here).  But I can live in a place that I own and pay $5K for a reunion?  Much better deal.   The money working for me makes the money back.  

 

We used to have a beach house, and it wasn't big enough for everyone, so we rented the beach house next door and while it was not "waking up under the same roof" it was close enough.  And it gave us extra showers and bathrooms and kitchen.  We split the rental evenly per person, including my dh and me, who already had the beach house, as it gave us all something we wanted.  

 

Another time, we rented a beach house for everyone for a Christmas gathering.  

 

The thing that is *really* nice about these set-ups is that no-one is the actual hostess so everyone chips in to groceries and housekeeping, and the stress about being "a good guest" goes way down. 

 

At this point, we do have a guest room, and I'm glad, but sometimes I wish I could put a Murphy bed in it so I could use the space for sewing.  

 

Last point, and then it is back to the decluttering!  At this point, about half the people who would like to come and visit us can't do the stairs anymore, so we rent a room in a nearby hotel when they come out.  And when we visit them in their new downsized digs, we rent a hotel room.  That's a loss as re: waking up under the same roof, but it has its own benefits...  When my son was small, he would stay on the couch at their house, which is really what they wanted anyway, and we2 would go back to the hotel.

 

 


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