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Financial Responsibility: Help me be strong!


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#1 goldberry

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 12:54 PM

So when DD graduated HS, we made an agreement with her about what we would be paying for versus her.  She got a partial scholarship, but we are still paying about $10,000 a year, which is huge for us.  This includes a meal plan, so she is not going to starve.

 

DD has always not been responsible with money.  Part of it is just frivolousness, part of it she is exceedingly generous with friends, always paying for things, buying gifts.  It's a sweet quality, but biting her.

 

She got a lot of money for graduation, and I told her she needed to save most of it for during the school year.  She spent all of it.  She worked in the summer, and spent most of it, saving a small, small amount.  When all this was happening, I was reminding her that we would not be paying for extra spending money at college.  We are paying the college bill, and when she visits we take her to the store to buy necessities.  We are paying her phone, etc.  We are also paying gas if she wants to come home to visit, but not gas for driving around town, etc.  So, this is not going to hurt her, but still hard.

 

She texted this morning asking if we could talk about a monthly allowance.  I told her no.  I reminded her of our discussions.

 

Help me be strong!   She has to learn this.  It's hard.  She is going to have a hard year all year because she did not save anything.  But I really don't know how else she is going to learn this lesson.  

 

Editing to add... she's not being obnoxious about this.  She says she knows she was really stupid and is embarrassed about it.  But of course that make me feel more like I want to help, but have to be strong!


Edited by goldberry, 11 September 2017 - 01:26 PM.

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#2 Sneezyone

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 12:56 PM

You can do it!
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#3 prairiewindmomma

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 12:56 PM

Be strong, mama! She has her essentials taken care of. I think you'd be harming her by not letting her feel natural consequences. She needs to learn this before she doesn't have your safety buffer around her.


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#4 klmama

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 12:59 PM

She can get a part-time job to earn some spending money.  Suggest she check the campus job boards and the local restaurants.


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#5 Kinsa

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:04 PM

Be strong now. This is a lesson she needs to learn, and the sooner the better.
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#6 goldberry

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:05 PM

She can get a part-time job to earn some spending money.  Suggest she check the campus job boards and the local restaurants.

 

That's exactly what I did.  

 

I know she needs to learn this.  I have to be tough! 


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#7 goldberry

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:07 PM

It's hard because it would almost be easier if we just didn't have the money to give, ya know?  But I know I could spare a little bit here and there.  It would just be a bad thing.  She has to learn that when you don't save or plan ahead there are consequences.


Edited by goldberry, 11 September 2017 - 01:08 PM.

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#8 klmama

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:22 PM

Be strong now.  If she doesn't learn it while she's in college, she will have to learn it afterward when the consequences are interest, late fees, and evictions.


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#9 goldberry

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:23 PM

See, this is where I have made mistakes before when it comes to money.  She always says all the right things, and then thinking she has learned her lesson, I have helped her out.  But then she does the same (not saving) again.  She is obviously not learning the lesson because I have not made her actually live with the consequences as much as I should have. But she's 18 now... 

 

(She is not a bad or ungrateful kid at all, I don't want to make it sound like that.  She is always very grateful, etc.  I just didn't parent as well as I should have in this area....that plus room cleaning. :glare:)


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#10 Gr8lander

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:36 PM

It sounds like this is a situation where it's appropriate and valuable to let her figure this out, and it sounds like she is equipped to step up and do it (no health issues, etc.) I bet she will find a job quickly!


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#11 OnMyOwn

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:39 PM

Yes, this is such an important lesson for her to learn. You are doing the right and best thing for her! Let that knowledge help you to be strong.
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#12 happysmileylady

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:39 PM

You might want to try to sit down with her, either in person when she comes home for a weekend, or even maybe over face time, and make sure she has a budget plan in place for the money she has.  This could help show her that she doesn't have enough to do the things she wants and NEEDS to get that part time job.  Or it might show her that she has enough but only if she rations it out properly. 


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#13 goldberry

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:47 PM

You might want to try to sit down with her, either in person when she comes home for a weekend, or even maybe over face time, and make sure she has a budget plan in place for the money she has.  This could help show her that she doesn't have enough to do the things she wants and NEEDS to get that part time job.  Or it might show her that she has enough but only if she rations it out properly. 

 

I've offered to help her with a budget or a plan, but she has never taken me up on it. When she got graduation money I recommended a plan, which she did not pursue. ;)  Now she's pretty much out of money altogether, so there is nothing to budget until she gets a job!  (Necessities and food are covered as I mentioned.  Well, dorm food anyway!)

 

She is ridiculously outgoing and well-spoken, so I think she will be able to find something for work if she puts her mind to it.  She is worried about her grades, etc, but it seems like there are quite a few college jobs that are not too many hours?


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#14 happysmileylady

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:51 PM

I've offered to help her with a budget or a plan, but she has never taken me up on it. When she got graduation money I recommended a plan, which she did not pursue. ;)  Now she's pretty much out of money altogether, so there is nothing to budget until she gets a job!  (Necessities and food are covered as I mentioned.  Well, dorm food anyway!)

 

She is ridiculously outgoing and well-spoken, so I think she will be able to find something for work if she puts her mind to it.  She is worried about her grades, etc, but it seems like there are quite a few college jobs that are not too many hours?

 

AH, ok, I thought she had some savings, just not very much.

 

Yeah, she needs to get a job then if she wants any spending money.  But I would totally sit down and create a budget with her once she has one.  I think in this case.....that's part of being strong for her.  Showing her how to do it even though she resists.  Once you have shown her, if she still doesn't do it, that's on her.  But then you at least know that she has the knowledge and it refusing to use it. 

 

Lots of adults don't know how to do a budget, it's a good thing for you to show her. 


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#15 goldberry

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:57 PM

 

 

Lots of adults don't know how to do a budget, it's a good thing for you to show her. 

 

That's hard for me to get I guess.  I'm a bookkeeper and a natural budgeter.  How does anyone NOT know how to budget??  You have X amount of money.  You have Y amount of expenses.  You have Z number of weeks.  It baffles me why that's hard. I know why it's hard to STICK to a budget! :)

 

But I know it's true for some people, that just doesn't come naturally...

 

(adding, yes, she did have some small savings but that is now spent.  Buying pizza for her dorm-mates, fast food, extra dorm decorations, etc, etc. It always goes faster than you think!)


Edited by goldberry, 11 September 2017 - 02:01 PM.

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#16 jdahlquist

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 05:30 PM

I have a friend (who is now in her early 60s); she is very well off financially because of some good decisions she has made.  But, she says one of the best lessons she ever got was her first year when she went off to college and her father gave her an allowance for the semester and told her that was all there was.  She called home collect from the dorm phone (yes, this was many years ago) and he would not accept the charges.  She said at that point she knew he was serious and that she better learn to budget; she said it was a hard lesson at the time but that she learned so much from it.  And yes, she reminded herself of that each time her kids asked from more money in college to help have the strength not to cave in and give them more. 


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#17 maize

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 05:41 PM

YNAB (You Need A Budget) is free for college students. Might be a good time for her to get used to budgeting.
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#18 goldberry

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 05:44 PM

I have a friend (who is now in her early 60s); she is very well off financially because of some good decisions she has made.  But, she says one of the best lessons she ever got was her first year when she went off to college and her father gave her an allowance for the semester and told her that was all there was.  She called home collect from the dorm phone (yes, this was many years ago) and he would not accept the charges.  She said at that point she knew he was serious and that she better learn to budget; she said it was a hard lesson at the time but that she learned so much from it.  And yes, she reminded herself of that each time her kids asked from more money in college to help have the strength not to cave in and give them more. 

 

Thank you for sharing this.



#19 creekland

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 06:40 PM

Add me to those whose kids got jobs in college to pay for their wants (even some needs).  It's not only been good for them with budgeting + work ethic, they appreciated feeling more like adults by being able to "earn" their way.  They learned to budget time and money without mom & dad around as overseers - both terrific lessons.

 

If needs are met (and it sounds like they are), they're fine.  There are jobs if they want more.  They soon learn what is affordable and what isn't.


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#20 Kareni

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 07:57 PM

Sending good thoughts that you can stay strong, goldberry.

 

If you have the opportunity, I'd also try to brainstorm jobs that your daughter can do to earn money.

 

My daughter earned some money in college by signing up for psychology and linguistics studies that were being held on campus.  She also tutored Latin.  When she was doing a study abroad, she did gardening work for one of her professors. 

 

Regards,

Kareni


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#21 Sebastian (a lady)

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 10:25 PM

I would draw a distinction between needs (room and board, textbooks) and wants (Friday pizza, dorm decorations, and other entertainment).

 

If you have covered her needs for the semester and discussed earlier that her savings and summer earnings needed to cover her entertainment expenses, then I would not feel compelled to fund more entertainment.  Having said that, at this point, she might learn from having a small allowance to budget from.  (I'm thinking that she might learn more budgeting from a small amount than from the nothing she has left.)  You might consider enough to participate in 1-2 low key entertainment events per month.  I'm thinking $30-50 per month to fund dinner or a movie a couple times.  You could condition the allowance on her sitting down with you to draw up a budget for the semester/year.  If this is in part a training process, there might be a benefit to having an amount for the month, doing well or poorly with it and then trying to do better the following month.  She might learn more from that than from spending the year with no spending money, resolving to do better, then being tempted again the following year when she feels that she is flush with money from summer work.

 

FWIW, there was a book published a couple of years ago called Paying for the Party about young women at a midwestern university (anonymous in the book, but identifiable as Indiana University) where there was a social divide between students who were financially very well off and others from middle income or low income families.  Some of the students profiled in the book are trying to keep up with a luxury lifestyle and may not even realize that is what they are trying to keep pace with.    It was interesting reading.  https://www.insidehi...search-suggests

 

 


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#22 Hoggirl

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 11:46 PM

I hope this doesn't come across as being too harsh:

I think you need to stop trying to help her. You've said you've offered to help her with budgeting, but she hasn't taken you up on it. You suggested checking campus job boards and local restaurants. I think you are overly invested in this out of guilt that her inability to manage her money is somehow your fault - it isn't.

It's not that people don't get how to *prepare* a budget; they don't have the self-discipline to *keep* a budget. You've acknowledged that. :)

You do need to be strong. You've "rescued" her before after you thought she had, as you put it, "learned her lesson." The pattern between you two needs to change. My advice is to be pretty dispassionate about it. If she laments about her circumstances, just say, "Gosh, I bet that's tough/difficult/challenging/frustrating. But, I know you'll figure something out." Then change the subject.

I've heard of YNAB but have not personally used it. So you could mention that you've heard that's supposed to be helpful, but I wouldn't offer to look it up with her, work through it with her or anything. But, I'd mostly stick with a brief statement of understanding followed by your confidence in her that she can figure it out. Lather, rinse, repeat. When she starts to learn on her own, take notice of her being responsible and compliment the growth you are seeing. But don't reward her by giving her money or you'll be right back where you started.

I know tough love is tough, but that's what she needs.

Edited by Hoggirl, 11 September 2017 - 11:47 PM.


#23 DawnM

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 05:36 AM

:grouphug:

 

Being a parent and watching our kids struggle is hard.  


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#24 WoolySocks

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 06:14 AM

Many campuses have jobs available perfect for students like this.  One year I was in college I worked in a coffee shop 12 hours a week.  Just enough to cover spending money and incidentals.  She'll learn to budget so much faster if she has to earn it.  You're doing a good thing momma!  I didn't work my first year on campus but I had a full time job the summer prior so I had savings to make that work.  If she's coming home next summer, unless she has an amazing unpaid internship lined up I'd be warning her that she needs to work as many hours as possible over the summer. 


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#25 Hilltopmom

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 06:22 AM

I'll just add that in addition to finding a job for spending money, she would be wise to learn to take advantage of the free/ cheap entertainment on campus already provided by the college (movie nights on campus vs at the mall movie theater, cookouts on campus sponsored by clubs, open mic night, theater, etc). Most schools do offer a lot.

Good skill to have once she graduates too (finding cheap entertainment & enjoying it)
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#26 creekland

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 07:30 AM

FWIW, there was a book published a couple of years ago called Paying for the Party about young women at a midwestern university (anonymous in the book, but identifiable as Indiana University) where there was a social divide between students who were financially very well off and others from middle income or low income families.  Some of the students profiled in the book are trying to keep up with a luxury lifestyle and may not even realize that is what they are trying to keep pace with.    It was interesting reading.  https://www.insidehi...search-suggests

 

I never read the book, but my kids have had to get used to the financial inequality of fellow students.  It's one thing to "know" others are wealthier and quite another to see it in action.  (And of course, mine aren't at the bottom of the economic ladder either.)  We discussed this - discussion, not lecture, not scoldiing.  Dh and I were able to share our own experiences and I included mine with my one year of high school in the super wealthy private school too.  It's life.  It's not going to change.  We aren't going to be able to keep up with the top - ever.  It doesn't mean we're awful or any less worthy as a person.  It just means we need to budget our money.

 

It meant a lot to my kids to be able to talk about it openly and discover life wasn't over (or horrid) just because they couldn't jet to Europe for a weekend or go out and buy a new computer if they wanted an upgrade.  We had fun with things we did as they grew up by prioritizing our money as we could.  I worked in college.  They work(ed) in college.  They love being able to prioritize their money as they wish.  It was a very worthy life lesson.  They all also discovered they weren't alone.  Many students don't have help from home or any other sort of unlimited budget.

 

The life lesson from this is unmeasureable IME.

 

I'll just add that in addition to finding a job for spending money, she would be wise to learn to take advantage of the free/ cheap entertainment on campus already provided by the college (movie nights on campus vs at the mall movie theater, cookouts on campus sponsored by clubs, open mic night, theater, etc). Most schools do offer a lot.

Good skill to have once she graduates too (finding cheap entertainment & enjoying it)

 

:iagree:  Mine all discovered things that were available on their campuses and were better off for it, not just financially, but simply because there are some really cool things offered from clubs, etc.  As an RA, middle son always introduced his freshmen to these things - often coordinating hall events to attend in the early months so no one had to feel like they were stepping out alone discovering what was out there.


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#27 J-rap

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:14 AM

Be strong, but she might need help (not financially). She sounds a little like one of my dd's, actually, very kind and generous. But she is learning now, kind of the hard way. I do think it's even harder at college, because of how you see other students doing it. My dd who is in college right now (not the above dd) works in the summer and understands that we are paying for most things but she needs to be frugal because she is paying for all of her "extras" plus a few essentials. Generally she can make it work with $1,000/semester. We've talked about what that is monthly, etc. But she sees some of her friends going out to eat all the time, spending money on clothes, and being quite frivolous. Ironically, these are not students from wealthy families; they have very good financial aid, and charge most things to their parents who are low-income and I don't know how they pay for it. This has been a little confusing for my dd, but we talk about it and discuss how in the end, someone has to pay. When she needed extra money for a trip, I did step in to help advise her on finding a part-time job. She's in a metro area so it's fairly easy to find a job there, especially over the holidays (November - December), which worked out perfectly for my dd. She was a Macy's Christmas elf. :) Anyway, I think you can still step in and offer clear steps and advice without handing out more money, and she'll be all the smarter for it. Good luck!!
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#28 goldberry

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:32 AM

I hope this doesn't come across as being too harsh:

I think you need to stop trying to help her. 

 

DH and I agreed what our limits are, and we will stick to them.  No extra money.  I think it's good for her to know we are ALWAYS available for advice or planning assistance though, if she wants it.  If she doesn't want it, that's her choice of course.

 

Many campuses have jobs available perfect for students like this.  One year I was in college I worked in a coffee shop 12 hours a week.  Just enough to cover spending money and incidentals.  She'll learn to budget so much faster if she has to earn it.  You're doing a good thing momma!  I didn't work my first year on campus but I had a full time job the summer prior so I had savings to make that work.  If she's coming home next summer, unless she has an amazing unpaid internship lined up I'd be warning her that she needs to work as many hours as possible over the summer. 

 

I know, I hope she finds something.  She didn't qualify for work study, and a lot of the jobs go to work study students.  We live in a rural area so summer jobs are hard.  It took her a while to find one last summer.

 

I'll just add that in addition to finding a job for spending money, she would be wise to learn to take advantage of the free/ cheap entertainment on campus already provided by the college (movie nights on campus vs at the mall movie theater, cookouts on campus sponsored by clubs, open mic night, theater, etc). Most schools do offer a lot.

Good skill to have once she graduates too (finding cheap entertainment & enjoying it)

 

She's doing a lot of that.  Her friends have taught her to stalk signs advertising free food, etc!  ;)


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#29 Lecka

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:38 AM

I think don't completely blame yourself.  It is harder for some people and easier for some people.

 

One of my sisters was this way, and she made poor choices for a few years with nobody bailing her out.  She just had the real-life consequences some people have mentioned.  I think she is old enough that her trouble was mostly that she would end up floating checks and then have to pay bank fees.  It would kill my mom when my sister would have to pay these check fees.  My sister would pay the fees and then a month later float a check for something like a pizza. 

 

I think it was before college students were given credit cards, I'm not completely sure. 

 

Anyway she just took a little longer to figure it out for herself, that she shouldn't float checks and pay late fees. 

 

But I think by the time she was 25 or so she was tracking her budget and all her bills on a spreadsheet!  She really turned it around while she was still a young adult.

 

But it wasn't as easy as "one time she has to pay a fee."  She always thought she would have time before the check went through, even if she knew she wouldn't have money in her account for a couple of days.  She always thought it would work out okay.  Until she quit doing it. 

 

My mom would feel really bad b/c my sister was just babysitting for most of this time.  But her attitude was that people always wanted her to babysit, she would just babysit more and pay the fees. 

 

When she paid for an apartment too I think that was when she got a lot better.  But I don't really, really know -- she is 11 years older than I am, so I was a little kid for most of this time, and then nobody would want to re-hash it after she was a responsible adult and chatting about refinancing to a 15-year mortgage. 


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#30 Hoggirl

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 02:27 PM

DH and I agreed what our limits are, and we will stick to them. No extra money. I think it's good for her to know we are ALWAYS available for advice or planning assistance though, if she wants it. If she doesn't want it, that's her choice of course.


I agree completely. I wasn't very clear at all. My apologies. I didn't mean to say you should refuse to help her if she asked - I just meant I would stop offering her help if she's not asking for it. My ds quickly wearies of my unsolicited advice. :D But YMMV with your daughter! You know her best! :)
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#31 daijobu

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Posted 12 September 2017 - 09:36 PM

 

 

FWIW, there was a book published a couple of years ago called Paying for the Party about young women at a midwestern university (anonymous in the book, but identifiable as Indiana University) where there was a social divide between students who were financially very well off and others from middle income or low income families.  Some of the students profiled in the book are trying to keep up with a luxury lifestyle and may not even realize that is what they are trying to keep pace with.    

 

I was wondering about this, too.  Perhaps your daughter is hanging out with a free spending crowd and she feels like she needs to keep up.  It can be really hard to not contribute when your roommate wants to buy nice room decorations or eat out.  


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#32 JanetC

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 02:23 PM

They're always hiring in food services. At DDs school weekend mornings pay time and a half, too. She can earn a little spending money on campus.
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#33 Diana P.

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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:02 PM

I had a friend who made a ton babysitting. This is going to depend on the town where the college is. 

 

 


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#34 Heigh Ho

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Posted 14 September 2017 - 07:30 AM

I think you need to discuss monthly budget.  We did have our child work after freshman year, and that taught him he was better off donating his time than his dollars when he wanted to help others.  But, the U job didn't direct deposit; often there would be delays in state funding and paperwork processing so first check of the semester was not 2 weeks after semester started. also, the meal plan didn't include enough food - lunch was not all you can eat, and there were only two meals on Sunday. and there wasn't much free entertainment - often I would look at the calendar, and an outstanding speaker or performance event would have a charge equal to an hour of his pay or more..quite a bit when you only work 10 hours a week. And if there were free student tickets for a fraction of the student body, he'd have to stand in line for them, which meant skipping class or work. So we helped budget so the kid had sufficient protein, could get a haircut, and buy personals and he upped his hours once he mastered the job.  Occasionally I would buy tickets to events.  His friends also helped him learn to be frugal.  So...I think you might consider what she needs for her personal needs, then decide if that comes from financial aid, job, or parents. When she goes to interview for those summer jobs, she needs to present a professional appearance, and that does take some funding.


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#35 Pegasus

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 07:38 PM

I'm going to suggest a different approach than most of the previous posters. I would not be encouraging a job to earn spending money. I believe that gaining some experience in NOT SPENDING is what is actually needed. She has already proven that she can earn money.  She has no experience in not spending it.   Experienced adults will sometimes challenge themselves to a "no spend" period of time to really push the boundaries of how long they can go without spending money.  This young woman's needs are covered.  She needs her own "no spend" experience.


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#36 katilac

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Posted 15 September 2017 - 11:28 PM

 Generally she can make it work with $1,000/semester.  

 

 

In spending money?  


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#37 J-rap

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 09:01 AM

In spending money?  

Yes.  That includes any events or excursions apart from school, eating out (she doesn't do this much), transportation costs (she takes public transportation to and from work/volunteering and elsewhere off campus), any extra clothes she gets (she only shops at second hand stores), haircuts, grocery shopping (she's in an apartment on-campus but it has a kitchen so she is no longer on a meal plan), shopping for Christmas, extra little school supplies (notebooks, art supplies, etc.), personal supplies (shampoo, over-the-counter meds, household cleaners, laundry soap, etc.) and probably a few more things that I'm not thinking about.

 

She is very frugal in her spending though, and probably the bulk of it is spent on groceries and transportation. 

 

So, maybe that's more than what other people include as spending money, but I guess I've been calling spending money everything except tuition and dorm.

 

ETA:  added a few things

 

 


Edited by J-rap, 16 September 2017 - 09:08 AM.


#38 foxbridgeacademy

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 09:07 AM

I wouldn't give in, this is a really hard lesson that absolutely has to be learned.  I might mention that she could expect  some $$ for Christmas to help in 2nd semester.  Also important to note is that she is not the only student who will be broke this semester or next.  Many students who got $$ as gifts and from a job will have spent it on tuition.


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#39 JanetC

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 10:00 AM

I believe that gaining some experience in NOT SPENDING is what is actually needed. She has already proven that she can earn money. She has no experience in not spending it.



She is getting a natural lesson in not spending at the moment (assuming no one bails her out of her current situation). Are you thinking of something else besides that?

#40 katilac

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 10:02 AM

 

 

So, maybe that's more than what other people include as spending money, but I guess I've been calling spending money everything except tuition and dorm.

 

 

Oh, yeah, I should have made the distinction between spending money and fun money. An acquaintance had just last week talked about $1,000 per semester in fun money being a good amount, so that's where my mind went when I saw the same amount in your post, lol. 

 

I'm actually impressed that she manages on that amount when it includes transportation and groceries (while not on meal plan).


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#41 Pegasus

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 10:27 AM

She is getting a natural lesson in not spending at the moment (assuming no one bails her out of her current situation). Are you thinking of something else besides that?

 

Just that.  If she got a job or a handout, she would continue spending as she has been and she wouldn't learn how to not spend.  With no income or handouts, she'll be forced to find other things to do with her time besides shopping/spending. She can experience for herself that it can be done.


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#42 katilac

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 11:36 AM

  also, the meal plan didn't include enough food - lunch was not all you can eat, and there were only two meals on Sunday. and there wasn't much free entertainment - often I would look at the calendar, and an outstanding speaker or performance event would have a charge equal to an hour of his pay or more 

 

That stinks. My dd's school has free movies with free popcorn and drink for students every week, and lots of interesting speakers. 

 

They only charge for really high profile speakers, and it's usually $5. They have free and very low-cost plays and musical performances as well, that the respective departments put on. They had one play this semester that was $10, I think it was a partnership with local theater. 

 

Food is all you care to eat at the caf, and you can take one piece of fruit or one cookie when you leave. There's a bit nicer place that is not all you can eat, you get one meal with drink for a meal swipe. Lots of students still spend too much in this category, because they want Starbucks and fast food all the time.

 

It's the same as the local uni where youngest is DE, not quite as good but still lots to do. The movies aren't as recent as the one's at oldest's school (they get movies very fast), and there's no free popcorn/drink. Fewer speakers from far away but still excellent presentations and panels. 

 

Oh, both schools have some sporting events that are free for students to watch. 

 

Of course, actual pop concerts and whatnot cost a lot more even when at the school. 


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#43 katilac

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 11:38 AM

Just that.  If she got a job or a handout, she would continue spending as she has been and she wouldn't learn how to not spend.  With no income or handouts, she'll be forced to find other things to do with her time besides shopping/spending. She can experience for herself that it can be done.

 

:iagree:  Knowing how to have fun without spending money is one of the most valuable life skills you can have.


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#44 Garga

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Posted 16 September 2017 - 11:55 AM

You must stay strong!  

 

She sounds like a lovely daughter.  She likes to shower her friends with gifts.  What a sweetie!

 

However, money problems is one of the (if not *the*) number one reason people divorce and one of the top sources of stress in people's lives.  This year of doing without, because of her own mismanagement of her money may very well stem a lifetime of stress and turmoil.  

 

I think she knows in her head that she has to budget, but it's been hard for her to do it in reality.  I have a feeling this year will be very, very good for her and help to her grow into a new area of responsibility.  

 

Even though it feels mean, I think that not giving her money is probably one of the most loving and caring things you can do for her right now.


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#45 Artichoke

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Posted 17 September 2017 - 12:41 AM

This may sound dumb, but I'm going to share it anyway.  

 

How about going to the Boy Scout Shop and buy your daughter a copy of the Personal Finance Merit Badge book?   It'll cost about $5.  You could read it first, and then decide on the best way to help your daughter work through the book, and then pay her for completing the guidelines you set out.  Maybe you could do a small amount like $40 a month which would be roughy $10 a week -- just enough that she'd have to think about how she'd most want to spend it.   Technically it would be a monthly allowance, but she would have to work for it.  Our Scoutmaster always taught the Personal Finance badge himself, and he was passionate about it.  He's the kind of person described in the Millionaire Next Door, although I have no idea of his net worth except that he's quite "comfortable". He's passed those traits to a couple of generations, including three of my kiddos.   Best wishes as you guide your daughter through this. 


Edited by Artichoke, 17 September 2017 - 12:43 AM.

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#46 goldberry

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 11:49 AM

You must stay strong!  

 

She sounds like a lovely daughter.  She likes to shower her friends with gifts.  What a sweetie!

 

However, money problems is one of the (if not *the*) number one reason people divorce and one of the top sources of stress in people's lives.  This year of doing without, because of her own mismanagement of her money may very well stem a lifetime of stress and turmoil.  

 

I think she knows in her head that she has to budget, but it's been hard for her to do it in reality.  I have a feeling this year will be very, very good for her and help to her grow into a new area of responsibility.  

 

Even though it feels mean, I think that not giving her money is probably one of the most loving and caring things you can do for her right now.

 

Yes, this especially!  We have modeled good habits for her.   She has seen us discuss finances openly and make choices, etc.  

 

She has a good meal plan, and there is quite a bit to do free at her college.  All sports are free, drama shows, etc.  The dorm has movie nights, activity nights, etc. which include snacks.

 

Our agreement with personal items, etc, is that we are buying them when we visit (we take her shopping) or she comes home to visit.  She needs to plan and make lists.  We won't transfer money if she suddenly runs out of something and needs to run to the store.  On these trips we also buy snacks for the dorm if she wants, cereal, granola bars, a few microwave items.  She has clothes.  I love to thrift shop, and told her I would still pick up special items for her that I find on occasion.  She loves to clothes shop but she does not need for anything in that area.  She loves makeup and skincare, but also has a ton and does not need anything. I found out she used up her printing allowance and was having to pay, so we transferred some money into that account for her, that's covered now.  

 

Her BF is in basic training and will be home a few days in November.  I know she is in a panic about not being able to do anything with him while he's home, so I mentioned that I'm sure a grandparent will come through with something to help out with that, so not to worry too much.

 

So yeah, we're not being heartless at all!  Basically everything is covered except for "fun money".   There have been plenty of times in my life I have not had fun money, and I certainly survived!  I agree it is just a habit to be able to get things, go out to eat, when she wants, and she needs to learn that sometimes you just can't.  Telling someone, "I can't do that, I just don't have the money" is a hard lesson but it gets easier the more you do it.

 

Adding, actually, there's been a lot of times I've been without more than just fun money!  Just wait until one day she has to decide which bill needs to be paid when you can't pay them all...  :glare:


Edited by goldberry, 18 September 2017 - 11:54 AM.

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#47 eternalsummer

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Posted 18 September 2017 - 09:44 PM

she'll be fine; she's got free food and I bet she eats a ton better than I did in college as I lived off campus and bought my own rice and beans :)

 

They had a free lunch on Thursdays at a religious center on campus; you got basically rice and beans, plus a vegetable, homemade bread, and honey.  It was glorious when you'd been hungryish all week.  We also learned which coke machine would give you two cokes for one set of change if you banged on it at just the right time.  (not wholly ethical, but alas).  The student union, which had a sort of cafeteria area, had a condiments aisle that had free ketchup, mustard, bbq sauce, and, wonderfully, little peanut butter packets.  I filled right up on peanut butter.  Your student id got you a free newspaper at the newspaper machine.

 

These are super important skills to have - how to scavenge for food and freebies when super broke.


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