DH and errands (mini vent)

[medawyn]

DH just texted me with four "short" errands he'd like it if I could get done today, before we head out of town this weekend.

 

Um... it's nap time.  And after nap time, I'll have to drag three small kids out and about with me for these "short" errands.  Not to mention, finish packing for the three kids and myself.  Nope, not going to happen.  

 

He has an ADHD sense of time to begin with, and I'm not sure he's ever wrangled all three kiddos for even one errand, let alone several ins and outs of the car, so he's baffled about why I can't just hop in the car and get them done.  Because, you know, I'm "home all day".

 

Bless his heart.

 

(Not husband bashing - I love the man dearly.  But his sense of time could use a lot of work!)

[Garga]

I had the same sort of thing happen last night, but at least my kids aren't littles!  

 

We were deciding whether or not to cancel our trip to see the eclipse.  As part of the decision making, I started listing all the tasks that would need to be done before we left.  I was growing increasingly alarmed at all the jobs that needed to be done and DH said, "Oh, it's not that many.  That's not really a concern." 

 

Um...it's not that many?  It's not really a concern??  Maybe because I'd have had to do 90% of them and he'd have done maaaaybe 10%.  

 

In the end, we cancelled our hotel reservations because my dh's back issues wouldn't allow him to be stuck in the car in traffic for hours.  So I slept in this morning. :)

[HS Mom in NC]

This is how I would respond to that:

Those aren't short errands.  It takes about _____ minutes to get the kids ready to leave, ____ minutes drive time, ____ minutes to get the kids out of the vehicle and into the first location, then there will be at least ____ minutes of picking up/dropping off those items/completing that task, about ____ minutes of dealing with kids wanting to wander off, __ minutes of them trying talk me into buying things we don't need and me telling them no and why, __ minutes of settling disputes between siblings, ___ minutes standing in line and checking out, ___ minutes getting the kids back into the vehicle, and ___ driving to the location for the next task.  That's at least ____ minutes for the first errand.  How is that short? Your use of the word shot seems significantly different than mine. Now how long do you think each of the other tasks will take?

Yes, I would absolutely respond to that exactly that way in text or matter of factly in person or on the phone.  My pie in the sky, theory over practicum husband learned early on that kind of thing doesn't fly with me. I grew up with 3 older brothers and a no-nonsense mother. My mother chalks up this trait (and others) in men as, "The defective Y chromosome." She had no problem setting a misguided male or female straight and neither do I. None of my brothers or my husband has ADD.
 

[catz]

I would respond like that is hysterically funny!  I have a 2 errand limit with teenagers.  No flipping way.  There was a time when I had to spell out crystal clear why stuff like this couldn't happen.  Now he asks if I want him to run errands on the way home from work.  It's way easier to do them with one adult.  I started phrasing stuff like "I can't do that during nap time and it will take 3 times as long with the kids.  Either you can do it on the way home from work.  Or you can stay home with the kids and finish packing while I go run errands.  Take your pick". 

[marbel]

It seems reasonable to me that he wouldn't get how long things take if he's never done them.   When my kids were little, if my husband asked me to do too many errands, I'd ask him to pick which were most important and/or which he could do himself.  I think for a long time we were limited to two stops.  (I have two kids; I'd expect someone with more kids would have one or zero stops.)  As the kids got older I could do more, of course.  But for a few years he was running most of those sorts of errands. 

[ErinE]

I would say it wasn't possible and probably send a shortened version of Homeschool Mom in AZ reply.

 

DH offered to take the two littles wth him when he went to the gym. Thirty minutes later, they were finally in the car, one crying and the other begging for a movie. DH looked at his watch and said, "Does it really take this long for them to get ready?" Yes. Yes, it does.

[HomeAgain]

:lol:

 

Dh and I packed for a trip a few weeks ago.  He was like, "cool, got clothes, toiletries, swim stuff.  I'm good."  I showed him my list:

 

my clothes, toiletries, swim stuff (including towels for all, floaties, and sunscreen)

ds's clothes, toiletries, swim stuff

gifts for various people

cords for our phones, and a plug

snack and activity packs for ds

water bottles

new pack of baby wipes

backpack with stuff in it for our outing (specifics like a ziploc bag, mini first aid kit, glow light, water shoes..)

 

 

and on and on.  And my list of things to do before we left was just as long - necessary things like 'take out the trash' and 'close all the windows'.

 

We, um, have very different ideas about what it means to prepare for a weekend away.  :laugh:

 

[ktgrok]

My husband once asked me to just run to Sam's and pick up printer paper. At 8pm. Um.....that is the kids' bedtime almost and the baby was already crying. (we were on our way home from somewhere). I did it, but I was NOT happy and he may never ever live it down. In fact, I posted about it on this board at the time. Now, it's funny. Then...not funny. Not at all. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I'd just say, Gosh, I'm sorry, but I can't do that today.  Maybe you could pick up the XXX on the way home from work.  I'll plan on dinner being a bit late. 

[medawyn]

I would respond like that is hysterically funny!  I have a 2 errand limit with teenagers.  No flipping way.  There was a time when I had to spell out crystal clear why stuff like this couldn't happen.  Now he asks if I want him to run errands on the way home from work.  It's way easier to do them with one adult.  I started phrasing stuff like "I can't do that during nap time and it will take 3 times as long with the kids.  Either you can do it on the way home from work.  Or you can stay home with the kids and finish packing while I go run errands.  Take your pick". 

 

That's more or less how it went down.  Interestingly, he decided to run (most of) them himself, rather than deal with the three kids at bedtime by himself.  Can't imagine why!

 

It seems reasonable to me that he wouldn't get how long things take if he's never done them.   When my kids were little, if my husband asked me to do too many errands, I'd ask him to pick which were most important and/or which he could do himself.  I think for a long time we were limited to two stops.  (I have two kids; I'd expect someone with more kids would have one or zero stops.)  As the kids got older I could do more, of course.  But for a few years he was running most of those sorts of errands. 

 

I did call him and ask if there was one errand he couldn't live without.  I do appreciate that he has little understanding of how much extra work the kids can make out and about, and my kids' thin veneer of civility definitely starts cracking after about 4:00 pm.  I usually avoid all afternoon errands, but I'm making an exception today.  The trade off is that he gets to sit with the kid that barfs on planes tomorrow.  I win!  :lol:

 

:lol:

 

Dh and I packed for a trip a few weeks ago.  He was like, "cool, got clothes, toiletries, swim stuff.  I'm good."  I showed him my list:

 

my clothes, toiletries, swim stuff (including towels for all, floaties, and sunscreen)

ds's clothes, toiletries, swim stuff

gifts for various people

cords for our phones, and a plug

snack and activity packs for ds

water bottles

new pack of baby wipes

backpack with stuff in it for our outing (specifics like a ziploc bag, mini first aid kit, glow light, water shoes..)

 

 

and on and on.  And my list of things to do before we left was just as long - necessary things like 'take out the trash' and 'close all the windows'.

 

We, um, have very different ideas about what it means to prepare for a weekend away.  :laugh:

 

 

So much this!

 

I guarantee he will spend at least an hour tonight going meticulously through his fishing gear, deciding exactly what he should take, but there's a 50/50 chance he forgets to pack his underwear or toothbrush.  Which is why I'm responsible for the kids' things; I like to ensure that things actually make it out the door with us!

[HS Mom in NC]

My mother had a friend with 2 kids who solved the problem by responding, "OK, we'll divide up the kids and errands, which do you want to take with you and which errands do you want to run?"

[MotherGoose]

You have a lot of littles! Send him out with just two because I think all the littles would send him over the edge and he might get a new appreciation of you. After I spelled it out for my dh and he had some sample runs he gained a new appreciation!

[KungFuPanda]

That's a full errand day with kids! I'd need at least a day's notice to pull that off when mine were little. If it were my husband I'd tell him that I'll happily run them if he can get home a little early to watch the kids and make dinner while I'm out. I just did four short errands by myself. It took three hours and I haven't unloaded the car because a storm started.

[marbel]

One of my kids had no veneer of civility after even one errand, most of the time.  But then, there are times I barely have one.

 

We make a master packing list of everything we need.  I am in charge of much of it, being the SAHP.  But, take heart!  After a certain age the kids can be in charge of their own piece of it. My kids enthusiastically took charge of the car snacks too.   :lol:   (Along with their own clothing, personal care products, etc.)  

[Ausmumof3]

That's more or less how it went down. Interestingly, he decided to run (most of) them himself, rather than deal with the three kids at bedtime by himself. Can't imagine why!

 

 

I did call him and ask if there was one errand he couldn't live without. I do appreciate that he has little understanding of how much extra work the kids can make out and about, and my kids' thin veneer of civility definitely starts cracking after about 4:00 pm. I usually avoid all afternoon errands, but I'm making an exception today. The trade off is that he gets to sit with the kid that barfs on planes tomorrow. I win! :lol:

 

 

 

So much this!

 

I guarantee he will spend at least an hour tonight going meticulously through his fishing gear, deciding exactly what he should take, but there's a 50/50 chance he forgets to pack his underwear or toothbrush. Which is why I'm responsible for the kids' things; I like to ensure that things actually make it out the door with us!

 

 

Yes the fishing gear! Mine starts tying fishing rigs like a month before we go away! And then takes five minutes to pack clothes and forgets to put water in the caravan tank...

 

Admittedly it does make it less stressful when the kids tangle or bust off though.

[Murphy101]

Sounds like he needs some experience taking all the kids on errands.

[Seeking Squirrels]

So thankful my DH gets what errands with the kids looks like. He has done many. He often will offer to stop on the way home if we're chatting around lunch time and discussing something that needs done. 

 

However when it comes to packing...... He just doesn't get why trips are so mentally exhausting for me. He thinks I should be nothing but excited when we're going to Disneyland/Yellowstone/the cabin/wherever. 

 

He packs his own clothes, I do the planning, prepping, shopping and packing of everything else. When we get back, he helps haul all the stuff in from the car, I take them beyond that point and deal with the contents. 

 

I keep thinking one day I'll hand off some of my duties to him while claiming some ailment that prevents me from doing it all, but I doubt I would be able to trust nothing was skipped and I'd either be very anxious or would double check everything. So I'm not really so much wanting him to take over any of my list, just appreciate why I get so burnt out from it! 

 

[momacacia]

My husband is a pro with the kids and grocery shopping/errands; just so much more energy than I have and he usually finds the kids less draining. Maybe your dh would do great with the kids. Send them all out to do errands while you pack and/or take a load off your pregnant self. He may love it, won't know until he tries it!

[medawyn]

So update: DH got home last night and also decided it was too much work to run errands. Ha!

 

On the upside we were all packed with the car loaded by 9:00 pm, and we actually had everyone up and dressed and out the door by the 5:15 am target time. (I'm using "we" a little loosely)

 

Looks like DH might be getting some "errands with kids" practice this fall.

[Katy]

He decided it was too much work to run errands without kids?   :lol:

 

 

I have a one-errand per day limit with kids in car seats.  Maybe more if places have drive through or curbside pickup.

 

Forget that littles start screaming their heads off the 3rd time you buckle them in an hour...  the traffic jams from summer road construction alone are enough to make you want to NEVER leave the house with children again.

[Seeking Squirrels]

He decided it was too much work to run errands without kids?   :lol:

 

 

I have a one-errand per day limit with kids in car seats.  Maybe more if places have drive through or curbside pickup.

 

Forget that littles start screaming their heads off the 3rd time you buckle them in an hour...  the traffic jams from summer road construction alone are enough to make you want to NEVER leave the house with children again.

 

Since July 28th we've logged 3,200 road trip miles from 3 separate trips with the kids. That's just the to/from major destination, not counting all the regular driving in between and at destinations. SO MUCH road construction on all of our routes! We leave again tomorrow for another 250 each way trip and I am dreading it! I know there's a couple constructions spots and they always get more restless when traffic is heavy and slow. I'm hoping to make it at least an hour before I get asked "are we almost there yet?", but yesterday I got it after only FIVE MINUTES, so my hopes aren't high. 

[SKL]

[edit - already resolved]

My mom at some point gave my dad a choice between staying home with the kids or running the errands.  From that point on, he did all the grocery shopping, banking, etc.

Edited August 20, 2017 by SKL

[EMS83]

My DH doesn't do this, so there are some out there!  If it's something he really wanted or even needed that I didn't get, he just makes a sad faces and wanders off.  :D  Or he'll say, "if you're going to the store, can you grab thus and such."  Things like that.  He has never ever said anything about how long it takes.  And he will watch the kids if I ask, but I don't unless I really need him to.  Today I needed to divide and conquer by running errands while the two older DC cleaned, so DH stayed home with the two and I took youngest with me.

[happypamama]

I remember those days! So much effort and so much unbuckling and buckling for a five minute errand. I remember the first time I was able to send my oldest to grab our library holds -- it was just so nice that there was one less thing I had to get everyone out of the car to do. I am sure your dh just doesn't realize that with lots of small ones, there are no short errands. And while my babies were generally happy in the car, their tolerance for tons of in and out repeatedly in a short time wore thin quickly. Have a great trip!