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Rant! My fertility is NOT a disease!!!!!!


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#151 AFwife Claire

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 03:22 PM

I just have to add--when we're out with just 4 of our kids, my kids all say things like, "Look, now we're a small family!"  Perspective . . .  :lol:


Edited by AFwife Claire, 17 August 2017 - 03:23 PM.

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#152 Murphy101

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 03:30 PM

I actually am an autistic individual. I am telling you that this sort of comment is offensive. It's right up there with "what, are you a r*****?"

You can just say "That's a personal question" and leave it at that. You don't need to know "why" somebody said what they said, or snark at them.


I have children on the spectrum who have asked crazy questions like this and I agree. And I would never say something like that especially if they were with me bc it would make them feel stupid and as though I didn't like them.

In private, we have our own little code system so I can let them know when they are crossing a line without humiliating them. And one thing we discuss is that I have to tell them these things specifically bc it's impolite for other people to do so - other people will just ignore it or thing they are rude. It's actually been a source of trust building for us wrt to their social issues.

Laugh more people. Life is hard enough without adding more strife.
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#153 athomeontheprairie

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 03:36 PM

I have children on the spectrum who have asked crazy questions like this and I agree. And I would never say something like that especially if they were with me bc it would make them feel stupid and as though I didn't like them.

In private, we have our own little code system so I can let them know when they are crossing a line without humiliating them. And one thing we discuss is that I have to tell them these things specifically bc it's impolite for other people to do so - other people will just ignore it or thing they are rude. It's actually been a source of trust building for us wrt to their social issues.

Laugh more people. Life is hard enough without adding more strife.

 

I just wanted to say how much I loved the bolded.
 



#154 gardenmom5

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 03:57 PM

My large family meter doesn't even register until there are AT LEAST six kids. I can't believe people get comments on four. I was one of four and it just doesn't seem that big. You can easily get by with a small three bedroom house with four! WTH?

 

I started getting comments when I was pg with #3.

 

Murphy, you are my hero, and your husband is fantastic. 

 

And yeah, people are idiots. I just remembered why I fired my first Ob, with the oldest. I'd gotten pregnant while still engaged (to my now ex...never should have married him, was totally stressed out at the time) and so there I am, 21 years old, legs spread and the doctor asks if we were "trying". I said no, and he said, condescendingly, 'Oh, so you got knocked up."

 

I asked for my records on the way out and never went back. Still angers me. I was there for medical care, not moral judgment. 

I think some misogynists go into maternal/fetal medicine to feed their desire to feel superior to women.  my first ob was sexist. 

 

and since my parents were't "trying" - my mother would have been knocked up with me.  (according to him.)  never mind they were married and already had two kids.  that attitude does so much damage to the kids.  'cause I heard it from people  . . . . when i was the "third".

 

oh, and when pregnant with the 4th, EVERYONE I met assumed it was an accident. Um, no. Used fertility monitor stick things and everything. We were definitely trying...enjoyed trying in fact, lol. But every radiology tech that did an ultrasound, lab draw person, and random stranger was sure it was an accident. No one could actually want a 4th kid. Sigh. 

 

you wouldn't believe the number of "lookilou" DOCTORS I had when I was in the hospital with pneumonia while pg with dudeling.  they were shocked it was happy about being pg with #5.

 

I actually am an autistic individual. I am telling you that this sort of comment is offensive. It's right up there with "what, are you a r*****?"

 

You can just say "That's a personal question" and leave it at that. You don't need to know "why" somebody said what they said, or snark at them.

 

I agree.  I have a formallly diagnosed aspie, and I am likely also.

 

stick with "that's personal", or  if you feel a need to be more aggressive - "why would you ask such a personal question?"   



#155 happypamama

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 08:05 PM

I always thought it was hilarious when medical personnel who didn't have access to my medical file would ask if Nate was my first. Hahaha, no. It always made dh and me choke trying not to laugh. Nobody was ever rude, just kind of surprised. I figured it was a compliment. I was 39, so maybe they thought I looked too young to have six children. Or maybe they thought moms of six should look more frazzled. Well, you'll notice, folks, that I did not bring the entire crew with me.
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#156 Tammi K

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 08:29 PM

Nothing can make up for the rudeness but here's something to look forward to......I'm 55 and there have been quite a few times I've told people I have six kids and they say I can't possibly be old enough to have that many.     .... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:.... That's all six of my kids laughing at that idea.

 


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#157 LauraBeth475

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 09:53 PM

People can be the worst. It doesn't look like we'll be able to have any more babies, which I am openly sad about, and I just get so incredibly ticked off at the family members who have expressed their happiness and relief about that.

#158 gardenmom5

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:48 PM

I always thought it was hilarious when medical personnel who didn't have access to my medical file would ask if Nate was my first. Hahaha, no. It always made dh and me choke trying not to laugh. Nobody was ever rude, just kind of surprised. I figured it was a compliment. I was 39, so maybe they thought I looked too young to have six children. Or maybe they thought moms of six should look more frazzled. Well, you'll notice, folks, that I did not bring the entire crew with me.

 

:grouphug:

 

Nothing can make up for the rudeness but here's something to look forward to......I'm 55 and there have been quite a few times I've told people I have six kids and they say I can't possibly be old enough to have that many.     .... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:.... That's all six of my kids laughing at that idea.

 

yeah.  I get that too.  I recall taking my girls for swimming lessons.  not teens . . .and their teacher came running over when he found out I was their mother . . . . sigh.

It does get tiresome after awhile.  and the number of times people think 1dd is dudeling's mom and I'm the grandma - when I'm with them both.  it's easier for them to see a single mother than an older mom, or a mom of a large family.  (and I do NOT think five is "large".)

 

dh thinks it's hysterical to be mistaken for grandpa.  he loves correcting people.

 

 

People can be the worst. It doesn't look like we'll be able to have any more babies, which I am openly sad about, and I just get so incredibly ticked off at the family members who have expressed their happiness and relief about that.

 

:grouphug:


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#159 Moonhawk

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:51 PM

Oh! Oh! I finally had a chance to respond to the "you know how that happens, right?" question last week. Someone from my old work saw me in the grocery store. They were a few people ahead of me in the line over. They came over, complimented the baby, then went back to their line, but continued talking to me. So we had witnesses to the convo (everyone in both our lines could hear). General questions of "how are you doing?" etc. The followed by the "So, #4, you know how that happens, right?" And I answered completely deadpan nicely, "Yes! Figured it out with the first one. Why, do you want me to explain?" They laughed and said "No, no, I'm good." 2 other people laughed awkwardly. DH was with me and turned red, lol. 

 

It helped it was someone I knew (hadn't seen them for 4 years though, #3 and #4 were new to them, and I wouldn't call them friends). But, I have been saving that answer since I was ambushed by rudeness while pregnant with #3. 

 

Also, one time when I had 3, I was talking to a dad at a Halloween party (we had a mutual friend as the host). He was shocked we had 3. He had 1 and said that was more than enough. I joked that Oh, we were going to have more, I wanted to have 1 birthday a month, so I was aiming for 10 total. I've never seen bigger eyes. He got out of conversation with me FAST, lol. I saw him at the mutual friend's kid's birthday party in May, with newborn in tow. His eyes were just huge, he must think I'm crazy! His wife was super nice both times though, and cooed over the baby, lol, so maybe his future isn't as safe as he thinks ;)


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#160 DesertBlossom

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 01:07 AM

Every so often we get the "you guys should get a TV" line and DH says something like "We haven't found anything on TV nearly as fun." I giggle and blush but it actually shuts people up.
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#161 ktgrok

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 09:51 AM

So, even weirder! Yesterday I was at the grocery store with all 4, and the check out lady was cooing over the baby while DS1 (the 18 yr old) was unloading the cart onto the conveyer belt thing, and then putting the bagged groceries back in the cart. Finally she said something about, "so,two girls and a boy?" I was confused, and said, "two boys, two girls". She then said, "Oh, so where is the other boy?"  I pointed to the oldest and she said, "oh...."

 

Who did she think he was?  Yes, he could be the father of the baby I guess, but it's not like we look like we could be a couple!!! SOOOO weird!


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#162 AFwife Claire

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 11:38 AM

I always thought it was hilarious when medical personnel who didn't have access to my medical file would ask if Nate was my first. Hahaha, no. It always made dh and me choke trying not to laugh. Nobody was ever rude, just kind of surprised. I figured it was a compliment. I was 39, so maybe they thought I looked too young to have six children. Or maybe they thought moms of six should look more frazzled. Well, you'll notice, folks, that I did not bring the entire crew with me.

We're military, so kids under the same sponsor each have a number (01, 02, 03, etc.)  in the military healthcare system.  When we had our 10th baby, the young tech who was doing paperwork snickered to another tech, "Ha, someone switched around the numbers and put 10 instead of 01!"  He was a little embarrassed when I told him no, it wasn't entered wrong as 10, lol.


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#163 Kinsa

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 11:55 AM

We're military, so kids under the same sponsor each have a number (01, 02, 03, etc.) in the military healthcare system. When we had our 10th baby, the young tech who was doing paperwork snickered to another tech, "Ha, someone switched around the numbers and put 10 instead of 01!" He was a little embarrassed when I told him no, it wasn't entered wrong as 10, lol.


HA! That's a good one!

#164 gardenmom5

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 12:12 PM

We're military, so kids under the same sponsor each have a number (01, 02, 03, etc.)  in the military healthcare system.  When we had our 10th baby, the young tech who was doing paperwork snickered to another tech, "Ha, someone switched around the numbers and put 10 instead of 01!"  He was a little embarrassed when I told him no, it wasn't entered wrong as 10, lol.

 

he should have been embarrassed.  not only for his snickering - but doing it in front of the patients mother.


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#165 Rose M

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 12:26 PM

So, even weirder! Yesterday I was at the grocery store with all 4, and the check out lady was cooing over the baby while DS1 (the 18 yr old) was unloading the cart onto the conveyer belt thing, and then putting the bagged groceries back in the cart. Finally she said something about, "so,two girls and a boy?" I was confused, and said, "two boys, two girls". She then said, "Oh, so where is the other boy?"  I pointed to the oldest and she said, "oh...."

 

Who did she think he was?  Yes, he could be the father of the baby I guess, but it's not like we look like we could be a couple!!! SOOOO weird!

I imagine your oldest ds thought that was really special.  :D



#166 Hilltopmom

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 02:07 PM

I was at the beach last week with my 14 yr old, 4 & 2 year olds.
I was chasing the toddler & dd was watching the 4 year old.

A dad we didn't know was talking to them & when 4 yr old asked him something (like, can I borrow that Floatie or something), he was like "sure, um, just ask your.....um...." & he pointed in dd 14's direction. He clearly was not sure if she was a young mom, or babysitter, or I was grandma, or what.

#167 regentrude

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 02:10 PM

I love your DH's sense of humor. Priceless.

 

I've also had many people ask, "omg, you had ELEVEN babies pass through your you know what?!" And gesture "down there". And a few then comment that I must be all kinds of messed up down there.

 

The asked WHAT??? What possesses a person to make ANY remark about another woman's vagina???


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#168 fairfarmhand

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 02:14 PM

So, even weirder! Yesterday I was at the grocery store with all 4, and the check out lady was cooing over the baby while DS1 (the 18 yr old) was unloading the cart onto the conveyer belt thing, and then putting the bagged groceries back in the cart. Finally she said something about, "so,two girls and a boy?" I was confused, and said, "two boys, two girls". She then said, "Oh, so where is the other boy?"  I pointed to the oldest and she said, "oh...."

 

Who did she think he was?  Yes, he could be the father of the baby I guess, but it's not like we look like we could be a couple!!! SOOOO weird!

 

Maybe she was thinking he was your brother?
 

I've had people think that my oldest and I were sisters.



#169 regentrude

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 02:17 PM

dh thinks it's hysterical to be mistaken for grandpa.  he loves correcting people.

 

oh, but it can be ever so embarrassing if the grandfather is mistaken for the father!

 

When my 18 y/o sister had to be rushed to the hospital with early labor, our dad (who was 54 at that time) stopped by later that evening with some things for her. He explained to the nurse "I'm the father". The nurse gave him a look of  utter disgust ,which puzzled him a bit.

It was only later that it dawned on him she must have thought he meant he's the baby's father.



#170 gardenmom5

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 02:20 PM

oh, but it can be ever so embarrassing if the grandfather is mistaken for the father!

 

When my 18 y/o sister had to be rushed to the hospital with early labor, our dad (who was 54 at that time) stopped by later that evening with some things for her. He explained to the nurse "I'm the father". The nurse gave him a look of  utter disgust ,which puzzled him a bit.

It was only later that it dawned on him she must have thought he meant he's the baby's father.

 

there was a time they wouldn't have let grandpa in - visiting hours and all that.  my sister was hospitalized with complications - and asked me to get stuff.  they still didnt' want to allow me in.  her dh was with me - and only when I told them he was her husband did they allow him inside. she wasn't in labor - it was complications and she was under observation.  



#171 Patty Joanna

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 03:01 PM

No manners at all.

 

I grew up in the generation that was scared to death by Ehrlich's book, The Population Bomb.  I can't remember the specifics, but I think we are all supposed to be starving to death by now.  That whole thing is part of what made me *very* skeptical about all the "this is gonna kill us" and "we're all gonna die" scenarios.  Ironically, now many of the countries that implemented the most stringent population control policies (voluntarily or involuntarily) are begging families to have children to support the societal infrastructures--especially those countries with the biggest economic safety nets that need to be funded.  

 

I'm always glad when I see a big family.  Someone's gotta fund my social security!  (haha I'm kidding about that being the reason...but it is not untrue that this is a real issue.)

 

KTGROK and others:  We live in about the only time in history where fertility is considered a curse.  It's an odd time and it brings odd comments.  I'm sorry you bear the brunt of them.  

 

And I'm sorry for those who bear the comments that expose the pain of loss or broken expectations.

 

I saw a great meme the other day--it's been on my mind a lot.  "A wise man once said nothing."  

 

Sounds pretty good to me.


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#172 ktgrok

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 03:05 PM

Maybe she was thinking he was your brother?
 

I've had people think that my oldest and I were sisters.

 

I think I like that explanation :) I'd like to think I look young enough at 41 to be my 18 year old son's sister!


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#173 Janeway

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 03:09 PM

It's a strange thing. I've had a few comments lately, mostly not offensive, just surprised. Four does seem to be the magic number.

I get some really shocked looks when I am out with six, including the two I babysit - they all look like they could be siblings. I've had people ask if they are all mine and say "good!" when I say no.

I do think there are valid reason to think about numbers of kids born - either to a particular family, or in a worldwide sense. However - I really do not like the way in popular thinking reproduction seems to have become more of a lifestyle choice than a biological fact.


Please please do me a favor...next time you get asked that, just say one of two things..."did you ask if these are all of mine? No, the rest are at home." ...alternatively, say "I don't have any kids, these are the neighbor kids. I like to collect them all up and take them with me when I go to the grocery store."

Please come back and tell me how it went when you try my answers. Lol
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#174 Scarlett

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 10:53 PM

oh, but it can be ever so embarrassing if the grandfather is mistaken for the father!

When my 18 y/o sister had to be rushed to the hospital with early labor, our dad (who was 54 at that time) stopped by later that evening with some things for her. He explained to the nurse "I'm the father". The nurse gave him a look of utter disgust ,which puzzled him a bit.
It was only later that it dawned on him she must have thought he meant he's the baby's father.


LOL....too funny
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#175 gardenmom5

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Posted 19 August 2017 - 12:09 AM

Maybe she was thinking he was your brother?
 

I've had people think that my oldest and I were sisters.

 

 

I've had that a lot.