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Am I overreacting?


Loowit
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I would leave the kids at home or with in-laws.  Hubby is going to be in pain and probably with various tubes (drainage at least from incision) and look scary to a sensitive kid.  Hubby brought our now adult son with autism to see me a couple weeks ago in hospital and son was freaked - I had an NG tube (that is the disgusting tube that comes out your nose, sucking tummy stuff out - looks as bad as it sounds) and son was freaked out.  Had I known hubby was coming with Joe I'd have told him NO!   Then next day neighbors stopped by with lovely flowers - and all three kids, ages six and under.  My beloved little "pretend" next-door "not grandkids" ;-) and poor middle girl was petrified by what I tried to jokingly call my "elephant nose".  Again, had I known they were coming, I would have advised not bringing kids.

 

And hubby really REALLY does not need to risk catching a cold. Not now, and not during recovery.  Make sure anesthesia doc knows hubby may have been exposed.  Set up Skype for hubby and dd.

 

And good luck to hubby!

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Thanks again everyone.  I am just sitting here waiting for DH to finish getting ready to head to the hospital.  DD is feeling worse this morning.  As I suspected her cold went to her chest.  We have people stopping by to look after her at home.  The boys will be in the waiting room or with ILs the whole time.  I am guessing they may not want to see DH until after his chest tube comes out, probably tomorrow.

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:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

It seems so cold to not want to be there when a loved one is having surgery, even though you know you can't actually do anything for him or her. If nothing else, family and close friends can support each other -- and it is a little easier to feel like you're worrying together, instead of worrying all alone. Also, having company can make the time seem to pass more quickly while you're waiting for the surgeon to come out and tell you how it went.

 

I don't know how I would have gotten through everything that has happened with my dh without my ds being there with me. The three of us are like our own little team and we stick together, especially during stressful times.

 

It is not necessarily coldness but may be personal preference of the patient.  I have not had many surgeries, but I didn't want anyone hanging around the hospital when I did.  

 

When my husband had surgery, several people offered to come and sit with me while I waited. Gah!  Leave me alone.  My kids stayed home.  

 

Just another perspective and nothing to do with the OP really.   

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Most likely your husband will be waking and sleeping at odd hours after surgery, so visiting/skyping late at night wouldn't work anyway. However, a photo or two and a handmade card from your daughter might be nice to place where he can see it. That way, whenever he wakes he would have a reminder that his kids love him.

 

I hope the surgery goes well and he has a quick recovery. Carcinoid responds very well to surgery but the surgery itself is a big deal, especially having part of a lung removed.

Edited by MBM
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It seems so cold to not want to be there when a loved one is having surgery, even though you know you can't actually do anything for him or her. If nothing else, family and close friends can support each other -- and it is a little easier to feel like you're worrying together, instead of worrying all alone. Also, having company can make the time seem to pass more quickly while you're waiting for the surgeon to come out and tell you how it went.

 

Just wanted to add that cultural differences might have to do with space. Many hospitals back home limit the visitors for post-surgical patients to two people (exceptions may be granted on a case by case basis). Intensive care typically does not permit visiting children under 14.

Edited by regentrude
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Under normal circumstances I think it would be overkill, BUT your DH's scheduled surgery is NOT a normal situation. It is very prudent to avoid any contagion, and a person with a cold should not accompany you to the hospital.

ETA: I see no reason why a 16 y/o needs to travel with you to the hospital town in the first place. Leave her home. I don't see why any kids need to come at all.

Just wanted to add that cultural differences might have to do with space. Many hospitals back home limit the visitors for post-surgical patients to two people (exceptions may be granted on a case by case basis). Intensive care typically does not permit visiting children under 14.

You said you didn't see why any kids needed to come at all.

 

It was bc the dad wanted them to. That's the reason.

 

Edited to add: Haven't you lived in the US for between 20 and 30 years? And aren't you a citizen? Wouldn't it make sense to make decisions based on hospitals HERE, not somewhere else?

Edited by unsinkable
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Having had a DH go through several serious hospital procedures (relating to his lymphoma dx), I can say that it was nice to only wear my "wife hat" during those times, and not my "mom hat." Even when kids are older, it can change how we approach the time/situation. I think it's a good call to have your time undivided. You guys have made good choices - best wishes for a smooth recovery and a clean bill of health.

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You said you didn't see why any kids needed to come at all.

 

It was bc the dad wanted them to. That's the reason.

 

Edited to add: Haven't you lived in the US for between 20 and 30 years? And aren't you a citizen? Wouldn't it make sense to make decisions based on hospitals HERE, not somewhere else?

I'm American and have a dh who has been in and out of the hospital- it's better for everyone when the kids stay home. It's better for them because it keeps their minds off of it and gives them some normalcy. It's better for me, because it allows me to focus 100% on dh rather than have to balance the kids' needs. We've had family come in town to specifically stay at home with the kids when dh is in the hospital.

 

So, yeah, I don't think it's just cultural. And I also don't think it's helpful to assign an emotional/moral value to having a bunch of people stay in the waiting room. It's a personal preference and either choice is fine.

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I'm American and have a dh who has been in and out of the hospital- it's better for everyone when the kids stay home. It's better for them because it keeps their minds off of it and gives them some normalcy. It's better for me, because it allows me to focus 100% on dh rather than have to balance the kids' needs. We've had family come in town to specifically stay at home with the kids when dh is in the hospital.

 

So, yeah, I don't think it's just cultural. And I also don't think it's helpful to assign an emotional/moral value to having a bunch of people stay in the waiting room. It's a personal preference and either choice is fine.

I dont think I assigned a moral value...I pointed out the reason for the kids coming is bc the dad wanted them to.

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I guess it is cultural differences. When my mom had breast cancer 14years ago there were 21 people in the waiting room when she had surgery. My then 3 year old was with friends, but had he been 16 he would have been with me. She remembers almost nothing of that day but she is glad her friends were there. And glad my dad and I had support in case something went wrong.

 

This would be unusual here too.  How big do hospitals have to be to accommodate so many people?

 

I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's not what I would expect.

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Most of the hospitals I've been connected to have similar ICU rules: no children under 14, no more than two visitors at a time, no ill people allowed.  I can think of only 1-2 exceptions to that rule.   For general hospital stays, the rules are more flexible unless you're on an oncology floor. I had to get a waiver from the board to allow my tiny nursing infant to stay with me when I was parenting my terminally ill child.  She was allowed only because she wasn't going home (and thereby picking up germs). My other children did not get to see their sister for weeks and weeks at a time. We had to rely on technology to stay connected.

 

This isn't a cultural divide thing. Or rather, I found these policies to exist both at elite East Coast hospitals as well as regional Midwest ones.

 

Best wishes to OP and her family.

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Most of the hospitals I've been connected to have similar ICU rules: no children under 14, no more than two visitors at a time, no ill people allowed. I can think of only 1-2 exceptions to that rule. For general hospital stays, the rules are more flexible unless you're on an oncology floor. I had to get a waiver from the board to allow my tiny nursing infant to stay with me when I was parenting my terminally ill child. She was allowed only because she wasn't going home (and thereby picking up germs). My other children did not get to see their sister for weeks and weeks at a time. We had to rely on technology to stay connected.

 

This isn't a cultural divide thing. Or rather, I found these policies to exist both at elite East Coast hospitals as well as regional Midwest ones.

 

Best wishes to OP and her family.

ICU rules are more strict, but even if a patient is in ICU and visitors are limited, there are waiting rooms where family and friends can offer support to the family who is waiting.

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ICU rules are more strict, but even if a patient is in ICU and visitors are limited, there are waiting rooms where family and friends can offer support to the family who is waiting.

 

Not necessarily.  At a recent visit to cardiac ICU, the visitor limit was 2 and the "waiting room" was 6 chairs next to a for-profit snack kiosk and the elevators along a wall in an open hallway just outside the unit.  Given that the cardiac ICU held 12 beds, and that there was no privacy for conversations, it was a miserable freaking experience.  

  

IME, day surgery has a decent waiting room, but the other waiting rooms in hospitals have been cannibalized for floorspace for beds. I can give several specific examples--but none of the on-floor wait rooms had more than 1-2 couches and 3-4 chairs.  

 

The only real waiting space is in the cafeteria these days.

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I'm American and have a dh who has been in and out of the hospital- it's better for everyone when the kids stay home. It's better for them because it keeps their minds off of it and gives them some normalcy. It's better for me, because it allows me to focus 100% on dh rather than have to balance the kids' needs. We've had family come in town to specifically stay at home with the kids when dh is in the hospital.

 

So, yeah, I don't think it's just cultural. And I also don't think it's helpful to assign an emotional/moral value to having a bunch of people stay in the waiting room. It's a personal preference and either choice is fine.

Your kids are 13, 15, and 20. I'm very curious as to how long do you plan to shelter them from things like this. At some point, I'm not sure it's a great idea to focus on keeping their minds off of what's going on and to worry about them having a sense of normalcy when a parent is in the hospital with a serious and/or potentially life-threatening condition. I can understand it for little kids, but not for teens and young adults. I also think it's important for kids to see that families stick together in a crisis and that they are there for each other.

 

I'm not saying your family doesn't support each other; I'm sure you do, and that you're doing what works best for you, but I have also known many adults who were not at all emotionally equipped to handle this kind of situation because they were always completely sheltered from them when they were young, so it does concern me a little when I hear about teens being left at home when a parent is having a serious procedure because my experience has been that teens are old enough to entertain themselves in hospital waiting rooms and are also old enough to be very helpful when they are visiting the patient.

 

Obviously, you should do whatever works best for your own family. I'm sorry to hear that your husband has spent so much time in the hospital -- we certainly have that in common and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. :grouphug:

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I can't imagine bringing a group of 20 people into the hospital. They're not designed to accommodate twenty visitors per patient so what is the effect on other patients' families?

It happens all the time. People take turns visiting. If a waiting room is crowded, the immediate family stays there and the other family and friends go elsewhere, like the cafeteria, and they take turns checking for updates and doing nice things for the immediate family, like bringing them drinks and snacks.

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Not necessarily. At a recent visit to cardiac ICU, the visitor limit was 2 and the "waiting room" was 6 chairs next to a for-profit snack kiosk and the elevators along a wall in an open hallway just outside the unit. Given that the cardiac ICU held 12 beds, and that there was no privacy for conversations, it was a miserable freaking experience.

 

IME, day surgery has a decent waiting room, but the other waiting rooms in hospitals have been cannibalized for floorspace for beds. I can give several specific examples--but none of the on-floor wait rooms had more than 1-2 couches and 3-4 chairs.

 

The only real waiting space is in the cafeteria these days.

But there are other waiting rooms.

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Every hospital I have ever been to is well equipped for lots of surgery waiting rooms. I have sat with many large groups many times.

 

I used to see this in China a lot.  There, however, it's because the medical staff - in my experience - provide technical medical care, but not hygiene or food/drink, so the family camps out at the hospital in order to keep the patient fed and bathed.

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Just wanted to add that cultural differences might have to do with space. Many hospitals back home limit the visitors for post-surgical patients to two people (exceptions may be granted on a case by case basis). Intensive care typically does not permit visiting children under 14.

Many hospitals here have limitations on the number of visitors, too, but even if the limit is two people, it's two people at a time, not two people in total, so visitors take turns going in to see the patient. Other visitors wait in a waiting room, the hospital lobby, or the cafeteria -- wherever there is room for them to wait.

 

Also, when a bunch of family members show up in the surgical waiting room, they often know they won't be seeing the patient because most people realize that it's not a great idea to have a crowd of people tiring out a person who has just gone through major surgery. They go to the waiting room to support the immediate family and to be with them when they get the news from the surgeon, because that can be a very scary and stressful time.

 

Personally, I have only had my ds with me when my dh has been in the hospital, but if my parents, my brother, or my MIL had still been alive, they would have wanted to be there with me.

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The idea of having an audience of twenty people, including children, for a discussion with a doctor would make me very uncomfortable. To me this kind of thing is immediate family business.

I've been in many hospitals where there are small private rooms connected to the waiting room where people can consult privately with their doctor or staff.

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The idea of having an audience of twenty people, including children, for a discussion with a doctor would make me very uncomfortable. To me this kind of thing is immediate family business.

That's perfectly understandable -- I wouldn't want that, either. You wouldn't have to have everyone there when the surgeon came in. They always give you the option of going into a private conference room or a quiet area of the waiting room.

Edited by Catwoman
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I don't know what your hospital's policy is.  Cancer wards typically don't even allow nurses with the sniffles to be on duty.  They are shifted off to other med surg floors and staff from those floors are sent over. They also frequently limit visitors. My concerns would be that  1) if the tumor doesn't turn out to be as expected and chemo is required, and/or 2) your DD's cold isn't a minor virus at all, but a flu virus that is mild to her but could be deadly to someone who has just had lung surgery - or even someone else in a nearby hospital room who is on chemo.

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Does anyone know what time loowit's dh was having his surgery? I keep praying for him and hoping it's over already and that it was completely successful.

 

I'm also praying that no one else in the family catches the dd's cold, especially loowit because she needs to be at the hospital with her dh and to take care of him when he gets home, and she will have a difficult time doing that if she's constantly worrying about passing germs to him.

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I think that it's funny that people are arguing about this since the OP has already resolved the issue.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You mean, let me understand this, 'cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little messed up maybe, but I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

 

/end Goodfellas quote :D

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I think that it's funny that people are arguing about this since the OP has already resolved the issue.

 

Yeah, it's moved from the specific to the general now.

 

There are different points of view on the topic but sometimes people find that hard to understand. Applies to most topics, I guess. :-)

Edited by marbel
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Does anyone know what time loowit's dh was having his surgery? I keep praying for him and hoping it's over already and that it was completely successful.

 

I'm also praying that no one else in the family catches the dd's cold, especially loowit because she needs to be at the hospital with her dh and to take care of him when he gets home, and she will have a difficult time doing that if she's constantly worrying about passing germs to him.

She said that it was this morning. I live in same area and it is early afternoon now. I'm hoping that he's in recovery now.

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Your kids are 13, 15, and 20. I'm very curious as to how long do you plan to shelter them from things like this. At some point, I'm not sure it's a great idea to focus on keeping their minds off of what's going on and to worry about them having a sense of normalcy when a parent is in the hospital with a serious and/or potentially life-threatening condition. I can understand it for little kids, but not for teens and young adults. I also think it's important for kids to see that families stick together in a crisis and that they are there for each other.

 

I'm not saying your family doesn't support each other; I'm sure you do, and that you're doing what works best for you, but I have also known many adults who were not at all emotionally equipped to handle this kind of situation because they were always completely sheltered from them when they were young, so it does concern me a little when I hear about teens being left at home when a parent is having a serious procedure because my experience has been that teens are old enough to entertain themselves in hospital waiting rooms and are also old enough to be very helpful when they are visiting the patient.

 

Obviously, you should do whatever works best for your own family. I'm sorry to hear that your husband has spent so much time in the hospital -- we certainly have that in common and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. :grouphug:

 

Not that it's any of your business, but we don't shelter them. AT ALL. It wouldn't be possible. I kept my kids home when they were younger. They've spent MANY hours of their lives at hospitals between their dad and brother. 

 

I think you're absolutely out of line for applying your moral standards to the choices other families make. We all make the best decisions for our particular kids and circumstances. Nobody needs to deal with it being seen as "cold" just because they make a different decision than you would.

 

 

 

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I think many people here would be surprised at the "culture" of the trauma waiting area in a Level 1 Trauma Center.

We weren't discussing a trauma waiting area, we were discussing a surgical waiting area for a scheduled procedure, in our hospitals they are very different things.  I also think things are compounded when we are getting off the topic of minor children waiting with one parent.  Adults can be in the hospital, go to the cafeteria, etc. while minor children must be accompanied by adult (in all my experience), which would have left the OP in a bind if that were the policy in the hospital where her DH is receiving care.  

 

I hope that surgery is over and that things go smoothly for the family from here forward with recovery. :)

Edited by melmichigan
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We weren't discussing a trauma waiting area, we were discussing a surgical waiting area for a scheduled procedure, in our hospitals they are very different things. I also think things are compounded when we are getting off the topic of minor children waiting with one parent. Adults can be in the hospital, go to the cafeteria, etc. while minor children must be accompanied by adult (in all my experience), which would have left the OP in a bind if that were the policy in the hospital where her DH is receiving care.

The discussion seemed to move away from loowit's particular situation. I think I made my point about her situation last night.

 

Edited to add: I quoted you before you added your last sentence. I didn't delete it.

Edited by unsinkable
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Not that it's any of your business, but we don't shelter them. AT ALL. It wouldn't be possible. I kept my kids home when they were younger. They've spent MANY hours of their lives at hospitals between their dad and brother. 

 

I think you're absolutely out of line for applying your moral standards to the choices other families make. We all make the best decisions for our particular kids and circumstances. Nobody needs to deal with it being seen as "cold" just because they make a different decision than you would.

 

 

 

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Wow. Harsh. :glare:

 

I specifically posted that you should do whatever works best for your family. I also said I'm very sorry that your family has had to deal with your dh being repeatedly hospitalized.

 

We have different perspectives; that's all. You can feel free to take offense at my posts, but I assure you that none was intended. If you're happy with your choices, why would you care at all that I do things differently?

 

Your way works best for you and my way works best for me. We don't have to be the same way, and we don't have to approve of each other's methods. It doesn't mean we don't like each other or that we don't agree on a lot of other things. People disagree on this forum all the time. It's not a big deal. We are both free to post our opinions.

 

I'm sorry if I offended you, but I think you're really overreacting here.

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You mean, let me understand this, 'cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little messed up maybe, but I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

 

/end Goodfellas quote :D

Somebody help me get Joe Pesci out of my head. :eek:

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DH is out of surgery and in recovery. I haven't gotten to see him yet. It was a carciniod tumor and now they are doing a biopsy his lymph nodes to check if it is the rare aggressive form or typical.

 

The waiting room is nice a big. Boys have done great. DD is home resting.

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DH is out of surgery and in recovery. I haven't gotten to see him yet. It was a carciniod tumor and now they are doing a biopsy his lymph nodes to check if it is the rare aggressive form or typical.

 

The waiting room is nice a big. Boys have done great. DD is home resting.

Praying the biopsy results show that it's typical and they got it all out!

 

Thank you for the update.

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