Jump to content


What's with the ads?

Photo
- - - - -

Am I overreacting?


123 replies to this topic

What's with the ads?

#1 loowit

loowit

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1655 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 11:47 AM

DD has a cold.  She has been sick since Wednesday.  I have been keeping her quarantined to her bedroom so that she doesn't spread the germs to the rest of us, but especially DH.  DH is going in for surgery tomorrow morning to removed the lower lobe of his right lung.  He was diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer (carcinoid).  He thinks I am being overly cautious.  I really don't want him to have a cold on top of major surgery, especially lung surgery.

 

I am not sure what to do at this point.  We are supposed to go pick up DH's parents from the airport this afternoon.  We are taking them to dinner and then to the hotel.  DD was planning to go along with the rest of us, but I am not sure if it is a good idea.  I know DH will be frustrated if I ask to leave her home.  Then there is tomorrow.  We were planning to take the kids to the hospital, and I know DH will be upset if I want to leave her home.  The hospital is over an hour away and the kids and I were planning to stay in a hotel for the night he is in the hospital.  My parents would be happy to stay with DD or have her to their house for the night, but I am not sure DD or DH would go for that.  Right now she says she is feeling better.  Her sore throat is gone but she has a cough and a stuffy nose still.



#2 Kinsa

Kinsa

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 9241 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 11:59 AM

No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. Not one bit. You are proceeding cautiously, which is totally warranted in this circumstance.
  • Angie in VA, Harriet Vane, transientChris and 20 others like this

#3 Monica_in_Switzerland

Monica_in_Switzerland

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 4136 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:02 PM

I would bring her to dinner and have her sit same side of the table as DH, but separated by a person.  I would also bring her to the hospital and even consider having her wear a mask if you are this nervous.  I think it would be very difficult for a child to have no contact with her dad right before he has a major, stressful surgery.  Have DH and DD practice good hygiene... but ultimately, he is as likely to pick up a germ from kitchen or wait staff who go in to work sick, form the hospital germs, from who-knows-where, so he may as well get in some quality time with his DD!  


  • Scarlett, Anne, Catwoman and 12 others like this

#4 ILiveInFlipFlops

ILiveInFlipFlops

    Hoarder of Blood Orange Mike's

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 5691 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:03 PM

I don't think you're overreacting, but I also wouldn't push it if DH wasn't on board. I'd ask her to be very, very careful about who and what she touches, to wash her hands a lot etc. And then I'd do my best to let it go. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  to all of you!


Edited by ILiveInFlipFlops, 13 August 2017 - 12:03 PM.

  • Catwoman likes this

#5 regentrude

regentrude

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 24738 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:03 PM

Under normal circumstances I think it would be overkill, BUT your DH's scheduled surgery is NOT a normal situation. It is very prudent to avoid any contagion, and a person with a cold should not accompany you to the hospital.

ETA: I see no reason why a 16 y/o needs to travel with you to the hospital town in the first place. Leave her home. I don't see why any kids need to come at all.


Edited by regentrude, 13 August 2017 - 12:05 PM.

  • dirty ethel rackham, EKS, Jean in Newcastle and 12 others like this

#6 Ethel Mertz

Ethel Mertz

    Amateur Bee Keeper

  • Moderators
  • PipPipPip
  • 4456 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:07 PM

Agree with Regentrude. Lung surgery ... Cancer ... Catching a cold would be ever so much worse for your DH.



#7 Reluctant Homeschooler

Reluctant Homeschooler

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1380 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:09 PM

You are NOT overreacting. Your DH has enough difficulty ahead of him without risking additional illness. He and your DD are old enough to understand the necessity of staying away from him temporarily. Not to mention, taking a sick person who is NOT the patient along to the hospital risks spreading infection to others--many of whom can't afford that risk.

 

You have enough on your plate without family members being uncooperative on this point. I'm sorry you're going through this situation and hope everything goes well. But DH and DD need to look at the bigger picture here.

 

Best wishes to all of you (extra hug for you).


  • JFSinIL, Anne and Spryte like this

#8 prairiewindmomma

prairiewindmomma

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 9649 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:15 PM

If he catches a cold, he won't past the pre-anesthesia check.  If you catch a cold, you could pass it to him during a critical recovery time.

 

I'd send dd out of the house to your parents.  I'm completely serious.

 

 


  • Jean in Newcastle, JFSinIL, Harriet Vane and 7 others like this

#9 Pawz4me

Pawz4me

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 9018 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:26 PM

I don't think you're over-reacting. I think you're using basic common sense.

 

Personally, I'd leave DD at home and in charge of the other kids. Hospitals in general are tough on kids, and especially hanging around surgical waiting rooms. At your kids' ages I wouldn't give a second thought to leaving them home. It will be so much easier on all of you.


  • Anne, Frances, mamaraby and 3 others like this

#10 Anne

Anne

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1908 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:28 PM

Does your insurance have one of those "call a nurse" services? If so, you could consult with them on speakerphone so that DH and DD could hear the recommendation from the nurse's mouth.

I am entirely familiar with the phenomenon of my dh being sure that no health precautions are ever necessary.......

Anne

#11 Daria

Daria

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2541 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:32 PM

I agree that keeping them separate is smart, but if we were talking just about your husband's health I might err on the side of respecting his wishes.

However, taking her to the hospital doesn't just risk his health. Introducing respiratory infections into a hospital environment can be deadly. She needs to stay away.

Can she Skype in?
  • JFSinIL, Catwoman and Seasider like this

#12 loowit

loowit

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1655 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:43 PM

I wish I could leave the kids home and just call with updates.  I can't leave them all home alone together for great lengths of time.  DD and youngest don't get along at all.  Youngest has behavior issues that his sister doesn't handle well, and I think it would be worse when she is not feeling well and worried about her dad.  DD I could leave overnight, but she has anxiety and I am afraid she might get freaked out in the middle of the night, so I would be best to have someone, plus she has asthma that could cause complications if the cold goes to her chest, so having another person around to keep an eye on her would make me feel better.

 

DH is the one who thinks the kids should be there at the hospital.  It was a surprise to me, usually he doesn't think that anyone needed to be with him at the hospital, not that he goes very often.  I don't think he has ever had an overnight stay before, just same day stuff like for buttons in his ears.  I think he is concerned that the kids will feel better being close by and getting to see he is okay for themselves once surgery is over.

 

My IL's have offered to take on keeping the kids occupied for me.  They can take them to the pool at the hotel to swim and do things around town.  My parents are planning to be there to keep my company. 

 

Skype is a great idea.  I will suggest that to DH and DD and see what they think.


  • Catwoman, Pawz4me, ILiveInFlipFlops and 1 other like this

#13 Selkie

Selkie

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1637 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:47 PM

No, you are not overreacting.

 

Huge hugs to you and your family.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I hope your dh's surgery goes well and he makes a quick recovery.



#14 transientChris

transientChris

    Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10289 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 02:17 PM

First of all, the surgery is going to put a big stress on his body and with stress, getting sick from somebody else is more likely.  Secondly,  is your dh going to then go on to chemotherapy-- I have no idea how timing in cancer works, but do know that chemotherapy makes you extremely suspectable to germs and viruses.  (I was taking a very small dose of what is a chemo drug that is also used at tiny doses for RA and I got two very serious infections- probably because I kept doing all the normal homeschool/mother type things and kids have more germs and viruses than adults).



#15 loowit

loowit

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1655 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 02:33 PM

First of all, the surgery is going to put a big stress on his body and with stress, getting sick from somebody else is more likely.  Secondly,  is your dh going to then go on to chemotherapy-- I have no idea how timing in cancer works, but do know that chemotherapy makes you extremely suspectable to germs and viruses.  (I was taking a very small dose of what is a chemo drug that is also used at tiny doses for RA and I got two very serious infections- probably because I kept doing all the normal homeschool/mother type things and kids have more germs and viruses than adults).

 

They are not expecting him to need chemo.  The doctor is pretty confident that the removal will be the only treatment he will need, other than follow up scans for a few years to make sure it doesn't grow back.  The tumor is, as far as they can tell, a very slow growing one, but they won't know for sure until it is biopsied.


  • Catwoman and WoolySocks like this

#16 Tanaqui

Tanaqui

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 7584 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 02:36 PM

I don't think you're overreacting.

 

Good luck.



#17 Daria

Daria

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2541 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 02:37 PM

They are not expecting him to need chemo.  The doctor is pretty confident that the removal will be the only treatment he will need, other than follow up scans for a few years to make sure it doesn't grow back.  The tumor is, as far as they can tell, a very slow growing one, but they won't know for sure until it is biopsied.

 

That's great news.  Hopefully the biopsy will confirm that there's good reason to be confident!  

 

Just keep in mind that if she comes to the hospital, your daughter will be sharing space with people whose loved ones and patients do need chemo, or have other issues that make them very susceptible to respiratory viruses.  


  • JFSinIL and Pink and Green Mom like this

#18 mom2samlibby

mom2samlibby

    Hive Mind Royal Larvae

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1507 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 03:04 PM

I don't think you are overreacting.  I would keep them separate.

 

But, I would rethink the plan on taking them to the hospital.  My husband had a biopsy done on his lung when our kids were small and I was so glad that I had left them home with my parents.  Surgeries can often take longer than they plan.  My husband was in more pain than he thought he would be in and the morphine made him very loopy.  It also made him sick to his stomach.  Based on what you said about your children, I'd leave them home with the inlaws or with someone else and take them to the hospital after the surgery is over and anesthesia has worn off.  


  • Laura Corin, plagefille and Seasider like this

#19 GinaPagnato

GinaPagnato

    Hive Mind Level 5 Worker: Forager Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1052 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 03:20 PM

First of all, :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: .

 

You should keep DD separate from your DH. If she has a virus, it can morph, and it can cause a fever. When the anesthesiology department comes in to check him out, if he's running a fever, they may not allow the procedure to be done. It's not worth it. I know your DH may be upset with you, but you'll have to take the hit emotionally so he doesn't take the hit physically.

 

 



#20 Melissa in Australia

Melissa in Australia

    Amateur at everything

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11127 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 03:29 PM

Hugs

#21 Seasider

Seasider

    anchored

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8268 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 03:34 PM

Gah, that is so frustrating!

Is it possible to have your dh be the one to wear the mask? I mean, I know his emotions are likely all over the place, but it would offer him protection from others besides your dd - extended family, restaurant staff, etc. He wouldn't have to keep it in the entire time - he could eat of course. Just a thought.

Also, if dd had coughing, I would dose her up good to try to keep that under control. But with all of you in a hotel room, your chances of catching it certainly escalate.

Have you put in a call to the physician?
  • Catwoman likes this

#22 WendyAndMilo

WendyAndMilo

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 2428 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 03:37 PM

I would say have DD wear the mask, especially if she's going to be in the hospital. I mean, seriously, the last thing anyone in the hospital needs is a visitor wandering around who's obviously sick.


  • Catwoman, Pink and Green Mom and Seasider like this

#23 Seasider

Seasider

    anchored

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8268 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 03:39 PM

I believe I would also rethink taking the kids to the hospital. And here's the reason - YOU are going to need some quiet space. YOU are going to want to focus exclusively on your husband's needs for the moment. YOU may be stressed by entertaining young people during a long surgical procedure.

My dh had a very long procedure a while back. I love love love my children, but had they been with me on that day, I personally would have felt like I were trying to swim while weighted down. I realize every family is different, just think about it. That would also lessen the chance that dd's cold will spread.
  • jewellsmommy, WoolySocks, regentrude and 2 others like this

#24 Tbog

Tbog

    Empress Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 4302 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 03:56 PM

Can your parents stay with the kids? I know you said they will be there to keep you company, but I would think it more important for dh's parents to be there for their son.
  • regentrude and AmandaVT like this

#25 melmichigan

melmichigan

    sitting on "The Fence"

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 5411 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 04:57 PM

:grouphug: I don't know how to word this so I'll just be blunt and apologize for that but, I would not bring the kids to the hospital if your IL's have offered to keep them occupied.  Your husband is having major surgery, minimally invasive or not.  Your kids will not be allowed with him immediately post-op. Your daughter should not be at the hospital, she puts your husband and every other patient at unnecessary risk.  She would not be allowed in a post-op ward if she is ill.  Maybe this is regional, but our hospitals just don't allow such things. The kids would spend the entire day stuck in a waiting area, because they wouldn't be allowed into surgical waiting, or on the patient floor, and you would have to be with them, because they have to be accompanied at all times in the hospital, so you wouldn't be with your husband.  What do you all gain by that besides a heck of a lot of unnecessary stress?  Have you checked the hospital policy regarding surgical waiting, post-op visitors, and children in general?  


Edited by melmichigan, 13 August 2017 - 05:02 PM.

  • JFSinIL, Harriet Vane, thessa516 and 7 others like this

#26 Jean in Newcastle

Jean in Newcastle

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 64396 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 05:05 PM

The hospitals I've been to around here will not allow anyone on the floor of an oncology unit if they are ill.  At the very least they will require anyone who is ill to wear a mask. 


  • Pink and Green Mom likes this

#27 barnwife

barnwife

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 794 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 05:06 PM

I'd keep her away from DH and the hospital.

That's my  perspective as the daughter of someone currently undergoing chemo. If any of us shows a hint of being ill, visiting my dad is off the table. Period. He spends enough time felling awful as it is.

Also, if someone is willing to keep the kids, I'd do that. You need to focus on yourself and your husband.

I will keep your family in my prayers. May the surgery go well and recovery be swift!


  • regentrude and Seasider like this

#28 Seasider

Seasider

    anchored

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8268 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 05:27 PM

If your dc don't get along at home, will they in a hospital setting or the close quarters of a hotel room?
  • jewellsmommy, CinV and winterbaby like this

#29 Catwoman

Catwoman

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 28598 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 05:28 PM

The logical thing is to continue to keep your dd away from your dh. It's the sensible thing to do.

But... your dh may or may not be saying this to anyone, but he might be worried that he could die during this surgery and he wants his whole family to be together and he doesn't want to spend this last fun evening without your dd there with him.

Go to the store and buy a box of masks. Have your dh wear one and have your dd wear one, and don't let them sit next to each other at dinner. Get some Purcell hand sanitizer and use it even more than you think you could possibly need to use it.

As far as the kids being at the hospital, I'd leave that up to your dh as well. In your situation, my main objective would be to keep him as happy, comfortable, and relaxed as possible. If you are going to have a local hotel room and your in-laws are going to be there with you, they can always take your kids back to the hotel if waiting at the hospital turns out to be too much -- but if your youngest is 11, I don't think there should be a problem with that.

Obviously, if your older dd is going to be anywhere in the hospital, she should wear a mask at all times, not only for the protection of the other patients and visitors (because if your dd spreads her germs in the hospital cafeteria or gift shop, those germs can be passed along to visitors who could expose fragile patients,) but also for her own safety because her resistance is low and she could pick up something nasty and end up with a new illness.)

Ultimately, though, I would defer to your dh on this as long as both he and your dd are willing to take precautions, like wearing a mask and using hand sanitizer. You are right to be concerned about him getting sick while recovering from major surgery, and this is also important for your dd because I'm sure the last thing she would want to do is to get her dad sick right now and she would feel horrible if he caught her cold and ended up very ill as a result.

I'll keep praying for your dh, loowit. :grouphug:



(Edited for typo)

Edited by Catwoman, 13 August 2017 - 05:30 PM.

  • katilac, QueenCat, jewellsmommy and 1 other like this

#30 PinkyandtheBrains.

PinkyandtheBrains.

    Hive Mind Worker Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6664 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 05:33 PM



Everyone already said the rest. <hugs>
  • Catwoman likes this

#31 Halftime Hope

Halftime Hope

    multislacker extraordinaire

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 4194 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 06:09 PM

As far as your dd seeing dad afterward to know that he is OK?  Yep, that is not going to happen.  He is going to be all doctored up with tubes and wires, he may be on a vent ( I don't know), and he will probably be swollen.  If she is looking for reassurance, especially if she has anxiety, she may need to wait to see him and content herself with your verbals assurances of what the docs are telling you.

 

Dd (23) was well into a hospital chaplaincy program (months of in-hospital service already under her belt), plus having had all kinds of teenage exposure to hospitalizations with grandparents, and for her, seeing her own dad post-op after a by-pass was pretty stressful, and that was a full 24 hours after the surgery, after his facial swelling had subsided quite a bit.  (Having her there was tremendously helpful to me, but it was tough on her.)

 

I'd keep dd out of the hospital until she is completely well.  She can Skype with dad and send him jokes via text.

 

 


  • WendyAndMilo, Seasider and Daria like this

#32 Minniewannabe

Minniewannabe

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 2875 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 06:25 PM

Absolutely quarantine her.

#33 mom2samlibby

mom2samlibby

    Hive Mind Royal Larvae

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1507 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 06:46 PM

As far as your dd seeing dad afterward to know that he is OK?  Yep, that is not going to happen.  He is going to be all doctored up with tubes and wires, he may be on a vent ( I don't know), and he will probably be swollen.  If she is looking for reassurance, especially if she has anxiety, she may need to wait to see him and content herself with your verbals assurances of what the docs are telling you.

 

Dd (23) was well into a hospital chaplaincy program (months of in-hospital service already under her belt), plus having had all kinds of teenage exposure to hospitalizations with grandparents, and for her, seeing her own dad post-op after a by-pass was pretty stressful, and that was a full 24 hours after the surgery, after his facial swelling had subsided quite a bit.  (Having her there was tremendously helpful to me, but it was tough on her.)

 

I'd keep dd out of the hospital until she is completely well.  She can Skype with dad and send him jokes via text.

 

I didn't mention that earlier in my post, but yes, I greatly agree with this ^^^.  I remember finally getting to see my DH after surgery and he was hooked up to all kinds of machines.  It was scary.  I was not prepared for all that.  

 

My dad broke his hip while we were out of the country this summer.  We got back to see him a week after his surgery.  He had been moved to the care home at this point.  He looked nothing like my dad.  And that was week out of surgery.  

 

For children with anxiety, I would rethink this plan. 


Edited by mom2samlibby, 13 August 2017 - 06:47 PM.

  • WendyAndMilo likes this

#34 itsheresomewhere

itsheresomewhere

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 4080 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 07:08 PM

DH has had his lung removed. We didn't allow the kids to be at the hospital much as he was in a lot of pain and it would have bothered the kids to see him in so much pain. Perhaps, could you FaceTime the kids from the hospital when your DH feels up to it. Maybe your DD might enjoy the responsibility of organizing the other kids in making cards for dad.

I don't know if it was suggested to you but bring your DH a button down crap shirt for him to go home in. The pulling of putting on a tshirt was stressed by DH's nurses. He was happy he listened to them on the shirt for the first few days.

Edited by itsheresomewhere, 13 August 2017 - 07:13 PM.

  • trulycrabby likes this

#35 Scarlett

Scarlett

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 18815 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 07:12 PM

Under normal circumstances I think it would be overkill, BUT your DH's scheduled surgery is NOT a normal situation. It is very prudent to avoid any contagion, and a person with a cold should not accompany you to the hospital.
ETA: I see no reason why a 16 y/o needs to travel with you to the hospital town in the first place. Leave her home. I don't see why any kids need to come at all.


My teens would definitely come along. But we have always been happier to be together during crisis.

I would call the surgeon and get his opinion, I lean toward thinking there is no need to exclude her but she should be careful about touching, kissing, coughing ect.
  • Catwoman likes this

#36 Catwoman

Catwoman

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 28598 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 08:09 PM

Under normal circumstances I think it would be overkill, BUT your DH's scheduled surgery is NOT a normal situation. It is very prudent to avoid any contagion, and a person with a cold should not accompany you to the hospital.
ETA: I see no reason why a 16 y/o needs to travel with you to the hospital town in the first place. Leave her home. I don't see why any kids need to come at all.


Why wouldn't the kids want to be near their father when he's having such a serious procedure? My ds was 13 when his dad started having major health problems, and we traveled all over the country to different hospitals and went to every appointment together as a family. My dh wouldn't have wanted it any other way, and it sounds like loowit's dh wants the kids to be near him, as well.

I could understand leaving the kids at home if they were very young, but loowit's signature says her kids are 11, 14, and 16, so I see no reason why they would be too young to be at the hospital. Additionally, I would assume that her kids want to be there for their father. (I do understand loowit's concern about her dd having a cold, and she would absolutely need to wear a mask at all times if she goes to the hospital.)
  • Scarlett, unsinkable and Selkie like this

#37 regentrude

regentrude

    Qualified Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 24738 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 08:29 PM

OT, but since you specifically quoted and asked me, I will answer even if it has no bearing on the OP's decision:

 

Why wouldn't the kids want to be near their father when he's having such a serious procedure? My ds was 13 when his dad started having major health problems, and we traveled all over the country to different hospitals and went to every appointment together as a family.

 

For what purpose? The patient is under anesthesia in the operating room; there is absolutely nothing family members can do for him. The mother will be worried and should not have to watch and entertain children for hours in a not very child friendly environment. 

And having children even present at doctor's appointments is distracting. I would not want my children at the doctor with me, because I would have enough to do with myself and not be in a state to be parenting or worrying how they cope with the information they received there. (It should be my decision how much of it I share with my children in which form and when). ETA: I also would think that the doctors would mince their words and might not speak frankly if a child is present. I'd rather have their candid opinion.

 

I guess this is a cultural difference; this is simply not customary where I am from. Families do not go together to doctor's appointments (unless by necessity when mothers cannot find child care) - you may, perhaps, bring a spouse if it is serious illness or the patient needs assistance. They do not all sit together in hospital waiting rooms while a family member has surgery; extended family members do not travel for this purpose. They also don't all hang out at the maternity ward when a baby is born. I just don't see any rational reason.


Edited by regentrude, 13 August 2017 - 08:38 PM.

  • EKS, Laura Corin, Halftime Hope and 2 others like this

#38 Junie

Junie

    Apprentice Bee Keeper

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6173 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 08:32 PM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 



#39 winterbaby

winterbaby

    Hive Mind Royal Larvae

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 639 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 08:40 PM

I recently had surgery and though it went well, I was still totally overcome for a good while afterwards. I think the idea of the whole family trooping in would have been unbearably stressful. Although I was objectively all right, I don't think a layperson, particularly a young one, would have been at all assured of that from looking at me. I would seriously reconsider this, even aside from the question of contagion.


  • regentrude likes this

#40 marbel

marbel

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8130 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 08:56 PM

The hospital may not allow your sick child in. 

 

A few years ago I was in the hospital for a few days.  It was flu season, and no one under the age of 18 was allowed to visit.  I know it's not flu season now.  But the reason was to protect patients from sick people coming in.   There are also signs all the time requesting people who are sick to go home if they don't need to be there, or at least wear a mask.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  I'm sure this is all very hard on everyone. 



#41 Catwoman

Catwoman

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 28598 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 08:58 PM

OT, but since you specifically quoted and asked me, I will answer even if it has no bearing on the OP's decision:


For what purpose? The patient is under anesthesia in the operating room; there is absolutely nothing family members can do for him. The mother will be worried and should not have to watch and entertain children for hours in a not very child friendly environment.
And having children even present at doctor's appointments is distracting. I would not want my children at the doctor with me, because I would have enough to do with myself and not be in a state to be parenting or worrying how they cope with the information they received there. (It should be my decision how much of it I share with my children in which form and when). ETA: I also would think that the doctors would mince their words and might not speak frankly if a child is present. I'd rather have their candid opinion.

I guess this is a cultural difference; this is simply not customary where I am from. Families do not go together to doctor's appointments (unless by necessity when mothers cannot find child care) - you may, perhaps, bring a spouse if it is serious illness or the patient needs assistance. They do not all sit together in hospital waiting rooms while a family member has surgery; extended family members do not travel for this purpose. They also don't all hang out at the maternity ward when a baby is born. I just don't see any rational reason.


Obviously our opinions and experiences are polar opposite on this topic, so I think it's best if we agree to disagree. :)
  • Scarlett and regentrude like this

#42 WoolySocks

WoolySocks

    Googleplex master of hivedom

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 8850 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 09:04 PM

I think the kids should decide if they are comfortable with being at the hospital waiting.  I think mom should have a secondary vote on that because she will be dealing with them all day.  I can see why having a kid on site with anxiety all day might not be helpful to anyone.  I actually think Dad's vote should count the least on their presence while he is under.  If he awakens that day and wants to see them, they can be brought over if everyone is comfortable with that.  It can be difficult to see someone right out of surgery and they usually aren't in great condition for visitors. 

 

Assuming the OP's parents are healthy (or the in-laws, I'd want one set doing kid duty), I would send the kid with a cold and any other kids who didn't want to be at he hospital over there or be at your home.  I am usually really laid back with colds without fevers.  I have sinus issues, so I often have upper respiratory stuff brewing.  But not with someone going into surgery and not for visiting a hospital.

 

If you could keep DD at a distance, I would consider taking her to dinner.  I'd have your DH wear the mask because who knows what other kind of plague could be lurking at a public place.  You're more likely to catch something from someone you don't know is spreading stuff.  


Edited by WoolySocks, 13 August 2017 - 09:10 PM.


#43 unsinkable

unsinkable

    AD QUEM IBIMUS

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 17134 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 09:39 PM

Why wouldn't the kids want to be near their father when he's having such a serious procedure? My ds was 13 when his dad started having major health problems, and we traveled all over the country to different hospitals and went to every appointment together as a family. My dh wouldn't have wanted it any other way, and it sounds like loowit's dh wants the kids to be near him, as well.

I could understand leaving the kids at home if they were very young, but loowit's signature says her kids are 11, 14, and 16, so I see no reason why they would be too young to be at the hospital. Additionally, I would assume that her kids want to be there for their father. (I do understand loowit's concern about her dd having a cold, and she would absolutely need to wear a mask at all times if she goes to the hospital.)


I tried to like this but I got an error message. Odd.

But I'm thinking g similarly to you. If the dad wants it and the DD was not sick, I don't see why a 16 yo should not go.I

Now given THIS situation, with DD being sick, it isn't a good idea for her to be around your DH or at the hospital.

I hope Your DH has A way To Touch Base with Your DD since it seems Important To Him, And I Would Do My Best not To Minimize this Desire To Have his Family Nearby.

Ok...somehthing Is Wrong With my Keyboard Randomly Capit!aizing Words.

My Aoplogies.
  • DawnM likes this

#44 melmichigan

melmichigan

    sitting on "The Fence"

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 5411 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 10:10 PM

Why wouldn't the kids want to be near their father when he's having such a serious procedure? My ds was 13 when his dad started having major health problems, and we traveled all over the country to different hospitals and went to every appointment together as a family. My dh wouldn't have wanted it any other way, and it sounds like loowit's dh wants the kids to be near him, as well.

I could understand leaving the kids at home if they were very young, but loowit's signature says her kids are 11, 14, and 16, so I see no reason why they would be too young to be at the hospital. Additionally, I would assume that her kids want to be there for their father. (I do understand loowit's concern about her dd having a cold, and she would absolutely need to wear a mask at all times if she goes to the hospital.)

How many children would this be?  Just your DS?  Some of my concerns aren't just for the illness, but for the numbers.  There are four family members outside of the father who plan to be at the hospital.  Our hospitals have limits, two family members allowed into surgical waiting (you sign in), no more than two family members present post-op at bedside, with no person under 18 during any procedures or care of any kind for the patient or roommate.  Anyone under 18 must be accompanied by an adult at all times.  That is why I mentioned specific policies for the hospital they are attending. Maybe this is regional as well?  We don't have four people at the bedside unless a baby was born or someone is dying, hospital rooms are small. Regarding appointments, some of our specialists even have reminders that children aren't allowed in exam rooms.

 

OP, best wishes for tomorrow, whatever you decide to do.  :grouphug:

 


Edited by melmichigan, 13 August 2017 - 10:37 PM.


#45 Scarlett

Scarlett

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 18815 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 10:28 PM

I guess it is cultural differences. When my mom had breast cancer 14years ago there were 21 people in the waiting room when she had surgery. My then 3 year old was with friends, but had he been 16 he would have been with me. She remembers almost nothing of that day but she is glad her friends were there. And glad my dad and I had support in case something went wrong.
  • Catwoman likes this

#46 Catwoman

Catwoman

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 28598 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 10:43 PM

How many children would this be? Just your DS? Some of my concerns aren't just for the illness, but for the numbers. There are four family members outside of the father who plan to be at the hospital. Our hospitals have limits, two family members allowed into surgical waiting (you sign in), no more than two family members present post-op at bedside, with no person under 18 during any procedures or care of any kind for the patient or roommate. Anyone under 18 must be accompanied by an adult at all times. That is why I mentioned specific policies for the hospital they are attending. Maybe this is regional as well? We don't have four people at the bedside unless a baby was born or someone is dying, hospital rooms are small.

OP, best wishes for tomorrow, whatever you decide to do. :grouphug:


Unfortunately, we have had a lot of experience with several different hospitals in several different states, and the rules for visitors aren't all the same. We have never experienced the "over-18 only" rule, which is a good thing because my ds is only 17 now, and we have been in and out of hospitals with dh since my ds was 13, and we both almost always stayed in the room with dh 24/7.

In retrospect, I guess we were very fortunate that the hospitals either didn't have an over-18 rule (or chose not to enforce it.). I never even thought about it at the time.
  • melmichigan likes this

#47 Catwoman

Catwoman

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 28598 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 10:49 PM

I guess it is cultural differences. When my mom had breast cancer 14years ago there were 21 people in the waiting room when she had surgery. My then 3 year old was with friends, but had he been 16 he would have been with me. She remembers almost nothing of that day but she is glad her friends were there. And glad my dad and I had support in case something went wrong.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

It seems so cold to not want to be there when a loved one is having surgery, even though you know you can't actually do anything for him or her. If nothing else, family and close friends can support each other -- and it is a little easier to feel like you're worrying together, instead of worrying all alone. Also, having company can make the time seem to pass more quickly while you're waiting for the surgeon to come out and tell you how it went.

I don't know how I would have gotten through everything that has happened with my dh without my ds being there with me. The three of us are like our own little team and we stick together, especially during stressful times.
  • Scarlett and DawnM like this

#48 Scarlett

Scarlett

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 18815 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 10:54 PM

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

It seems so cold to not want to be there when a loved one is having surgery, even though you know you can't actually do anything for him or her. If nothing else, family and close friends can support each other -- and it is a little easier to feel like you're worrying together, instead of worrying all alone. Also, having company can make the time seem to pass more quickly while you're waiting for the surgeon to come out and tell you how it went.

I don't know how I would have gotten through everything that has happened with my dh without my ds being there with me. The three of us are like our own little team and we stick together, especially during stressful times.


What a blessing our kids can be. Even with my dhs knee surgery I had 3 friends with me and dozens on standby. And when my Dh had a pulmonary embolism last week my ds17 drove me to the city and stayed with me until I could take Dh home.

My mom always taught me to be there at the hospital when a loved one was in surgery.
  • Catwoman likes this

#49 Catwoman

Catwoman

    Beekeeping Professor

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 28598 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 11:07 PM

What a blessing our kids can be. Even with my dhs knee surgery I had 3 friends with me and dozens on standby. And when my Dh had a pulmonary embolism last week my ds17 drove me to the city and stayed with me until I could take Dh home.

My mom always taught me to be there at the hospital when a loved one was in surgery.


I agree completely about our kids being such a blessing -- and my parents taught me the same thing yours taught you about being there at the hospital. My dh's family is the same way, too. One of his cousins is in the hospital, so we recently traveled back to the east coast from the Midwest so we could visit her. He had already spoken with her on the phone, but we knew her condition was very serious and we knew that phone calls weren't enough. We haven't seen her on a regular basis for several years, but she's very ill and she's family, so although everyone in the family was so nice and kept telling us that dh has his own health problems and we should stay where we were, we wouldn't have felt right about not being there.

#50 loowit

loowit

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1655 posts

Posted 13 August 2017 - 11:12 PM

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.  It was helpful to read through them.  I talked to DH and DD, separately.  She will be staying home tomorrow and we have a friend who will be around to help her out if needed.  ILs are excited to spend time with the boys doing whatever.  They haven't gotten to see them much lately since they have been traveling.  And my ILs are very active and would rather be doing something than sitting around with me.  DD cried a bit and is sad, but she is understanding and we will be able to use skype to keep in touch .


  • Jackie in AR, Jean in Newcastle, Harriet Vane and 10 others like this