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S/O Dating disclosure thread


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That thread has got me thinking about my daughters. I found out I was BRCA positive when my youngest was 3 years old. They all have a 50/50 chance of being positive for the gene.

 

BRCA definitely can affect TEA time since the only real way to lower the risk of breast cancer is a double mastectomy. It also can cause ovarian cancer so removal of ovaries are recommended about age 35-40 (I could be wrong about the age; it's been a while since I researched it). Also, any future kids may be affected. Also, with the elevated risk of cancer, a partner may end up a caregiver or obviously my child may die from cancer.  

 

This is all opinion - I realize there are no real rules here, just musing about my kids' future dating life. What would be the correct time to disclose this? Also, would they disclose the 50/50 chance if they don't get tested? Would they need to disclose if they've chosen not to have a mastectomy? Obviously, you can't hide a mastectomy...  Would they discuss the possibility of a hysterectomy at a young age? The genetic link to the next generation?

 

I am trying to wrap my head around my teenager going on her first date and talking about this, but that was brought up in the other thread, that anything that would affect fertility would need to be disclosed prior to any date. Which is how I ended up here asking this question.

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I'm sorry that is a difficult thing to have to negotiate, especially when it may affect your children. I don't necessarily agree that anything affecting fertility would need to be disclosed prior to any date. How can someone make a true judgment on what is more important to them, the person they are getting to know, or the ability to have children, when they don't even know the person? I think it is something that should be discussed when you are starting to get to know the person well and realize that there may be a definite future in your relationship. I think the same would be true of your daughter's situation.

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What tcb said. When she's first dating someone, no, I don't think this needs to be a topic of discussion, but if the relationship depends and discussions on a future begin to come up, then yeah. This would be something before engagement, say. But no, I don't think Prom Date guy needs to know, for instance.

 

If your daughters got to their 30's, say, with no serious prospects for marriage, then that would probably be something that would have to be discussed sooner, but by then, a lot of potential mates will have something that needs to be mentioned; i.e, they have a kid, they had a vasectomy, they have a criminal record, they were married and divorced three times, whatever.

 

((Hugs))) because that is hard. When my SIL was dxed with breast cancer at 39, one of the first things that hurt her about it was, "Now my daughter has a 'history'!"

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I think it's something that would presumably come up in a serious relationship. I don't think it's something that people need to discuss before they have a dinner date.

 

I have a friend who had a hysterectomy at a young age. Obviously, she will not be having any biological children. She doesn't tell people who don't need to know. Dates do not need to know. In the circle she travels in, people aren't talking marriage in the early stages of dating. She did tell someone she lived with briefly.

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What tcb said. When she's first dating someone, no, I don't think this needs to be a topic of discussion, but if the relationship depends and discussions on a future begin to come up, then yeah. This would be something before engagement, say. But no, I don't think Prom Date guy needs to know, for instance.

 

If your daughters got to their 30's, say, with no serious prospects for marriage, then that would probably be something that would have to be discussed sooner, but by then, a lot of potential mates will have something that needs to be mentioned; i.e, they have a kid, they had a vasectomy, they have a criminal record, they were married and divorced three times, whatever

I'd say the same. Sometime before engagement/moving in but definitely no need for casual dates, especially as a teen.

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BRCA doesn't preclude someone from having biological children the normal way. It's not like sterilization or other known infertility. I just read a news article about how ovarian tissue can be frozen and then successfully reimplanted when the woman is ready to have children.

 

I don't see family health history as a "must disclose" early on thing the way not being able to conceive/father a child is.

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